schedule
October 19, 2013 at 12:00 AM
This was short, yeah.. but hot! Looking back after reading your note, I can see where you kind of worked around the characters' deeper natures - but it's not like I know these characters particularly well either Berserker especially does not have a lot of depth to start with.
I liked the detail of Berserker snapping his gum. Oh, and this line:
>> "Ryu…," Berserker closed his eyes, "Ryuto."
*instant boner XD*
I also love how possessive Berserker says Ryu can't wash him away... it really seems very in-character - it's the sort of crude possessiveness I would expect from him (marking his territory etc).
In terms of ConCrit, the main thing I have is more semantic, and possibly pedantic. In my stories I am always on the lookout for seeing a long row of paragraphs beginning with the same character's name, and I try to get rid of that when it happens either by referring to the character some other way, or by starting the sentence a different way. If it were my story, I'd do that with "Odin" in the first 5 paragraphs. Honestly, I'm probably the only one who would even notice or care though :P
I liked the detail of Berserker snapping his gum. Oh, and this line:
>> "Ryu…," Berserker closed his eyes, "Ryuto."
*instant boner XD*
I also love how possessive Berserker says Ryu can't wash him away... it really seems very in-character - it's the sort of crude possessiveness I would expect from him (marking his territory etc).
In terms of ConCrit, the main thing I have is more semantic, and possibly pedantic. In my stories I am always on the lookout for seeing a long row of paragraphs beginning with the same character's name, and I try to get rid of that when it happens either by referring to the character some other way, or by starting the sentence a different way. If it were my story, I'd do that with "Odin" in the first 5 paragraphs. Honestly, I'm probably the only one who would even notice or care though :P