Starvation

Starvation

JulieDoc

Summary: Some demons under the influence of the Minus Wave crave human flesh. Hakkai is not as unaffected as we might think. What does he crave? Yaoi, 8x5, 5x8, 3x8, Close to but not quite 8x9, 8x5x3x9.
Warnings: Explicit lemon. Violence, also explicit. If you can’t stand the sight of blood, back away now. Spoilers for the Chin Yisou arc, and for Hakkai’s youkai appearance from *Reload*, and my own liberties taken with the same. You see, the one time I heard Hakkai’s youkai appearance described, I thought the writer was making it up, so I decided to embellish mine a little (I gave him wings) while paying tribute to said description. Only later did I learn that what she wrote about was canon. The image the words conjured was a lot different from the way Ms. Minekura drew it, though!
Disclaimer: I don’t own Saiyuki, Kazuya Minekura does, and I suppose, so does TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, Dentsu, etc. I only wish ADV owned all three series, though. I think the Geneon dubs suck (I apologize to anyone who likes them)! Yes, I would watch the whole series subtitled, which I know is more respected, but my buddies don’t particularly like reading their movies.
Timeframe: To be safe, this takes place some time after the *Saiyuki* anime, but before *Reload*.
Author\'s notes: I know all this warning is getting tedious, but bear with me, please. This is my first *Saiyuki* story. It has been described by one archive as confusing and OOC, and therefore rejected by them, so plese tell me if you find this to be true, or if I am justfied in believing it is not. Review for any other reason, too. I love reviews, but I am very sensitive (criticism is welcome, but please don\'t be rude.) The smut doesn\'t show up right away, so I apologize in advance to those who want instant gratification. Dialogue without capitols is deliberate. I don\'t speak Japanese, so you will not find a lot of that terminology here. Anything that would normally be in italics wil be between stars *yadda, yadda*, and the evil voice in Hakkai\'s head will be between number signs #evil, evil, evil#. Thank you, and (hopefully) Happy reading!


***

*God, he was so tired.* He still hadn’t fully recovered all the *chi* he’d lost fighting with Shien and Zenon. Still, that wasn’t Hakkai’s main concern; as long as he drove, kept himself quiet and relatively still, he could regain his personal energies in time. What he had forced himself to do to Homura’s little “army” was eating at him.

*It was beautiful, finally being able to unsheath his claws, to rend demon flesh with them again. He could have wept his joy as blasts of unfettered *chi* blasted the divine youkai to atoms. He’d even opened his shirt, let it fall about his waist, and allowed the wings to burst forth from his shoulderblades. They had only done that once before, to carry him away from Hyakugen Maoh’s castle before he’d fallen from the sky and collapsed, somehow clothed and appearing human again, silver limiters binding him. It filled him with giddy pleasure to stretch them once more, even if the space he could fly in was limited. It was dizzying to be able to strafe the dark souls below him, to watch them as they burst apart.*

*Best of all, he was able to once again sink his fangs deep into youkai skin, tearing it aside to feel the blood splash onto his lips. Splatters and gushes of crimson awoke dark wells of memory. The warmth also awoke thirst, hunger, need.*

#This is your true nature, Cho Gonou,# the voice of Chin Yisou said, from the shadows of that memory. #Those are the eyes I remember.#

#Show us your true face. This is not simple need . . . it’s what you desire. It feels good, doesn’t it?#

“no,” the road in front of the steering wheel grew sharper to Hakkai, and he blinked to make sure his clarity of vision continued. Being nearly half-blind was bad enough; being unobservant could be disastrous. He couldn’t always count on Hakuryu to stop when there was danger.

He hoped the others hadn’t heard him.

No, it was all right. Sanzo had either nodded off or was meditating; Hakkai was not sure, and refused to use his youkai senses to check. Gojyo and Goku were atypically quiet. Hakkai slowed the jeep for a moment to cast a second glance back at them.

The monkey was curled up, very tightly, against Gojyo’s side, one arm flung around the half-breed’s waist. Goku wasn’t mumbling or snoring, but instead making sounds of quiet misery, sniffling softly. Gojyo had leaned himself back and was enduring the youth’s weeping, one hand hovering over Goku’s hair as if ready to stroke it. The other hand was clenched at Gojyo’s side, as if desperately fighting the need to hug the boy.

“Gojyo?”

“What is it, ‘Kai?” the redhead brought his fingers gently down on Goku\'s bright chestnut tangles, smoothed the mad tufts.

“Thank you,” Hakkai said. Homura’s death had awoken in Goku something he had never felt before: guilt. The War Prince had given Goku a reason to regret, a regret that lingered. The monkey had never before felt responsible for the death of someone he’d admired. In that, Hakkai supposed that Goku was just like the rest of them now.

He despised that fact, and he knew Gojyo felt the same, now. Goku should have always remained untainted by regret; it was his endless enthusiasm and joy that kept them from falling apart, especially Sanzo. Hakkai wasn’t entirely sure that Sanzo understood the gravity of what Homura had done to Goku, but he hoped so. The monkey would need the priest’s help, would need all of them, but Sanzo especially. If Sanzo failed to at least show some concern, Goku would likely try for Hakkai.

Hakkai wasn’t sure how much he could help. Yes, he could lend a sympathetic ear; yes, he could try to explain things. He could hold Goku through the tears as Gojyo was doing, and could even try to protect him from the priest’s wrath if tempers blazed too high. All his efforts would pale in comparison to one kind word or gentle gesture from Sanzo, though, and Goku needed that most.

How could Hakkai honestly give sweet words of encouragement to anyone when he knew how empty they would sound given to him? He was sure that Goku wasn’t the only one who needed them. Gojyo had to be hurting over the vision of his stepmother that the Curse of Kaizai had made him face. Though Gojyo had bested his past, being beaten again by that woman had to have opened up many old wounds. Hakkai was the only one of them the kappa had openly wept in front of, and he would need such a release soon. Almost immediately, if the tension in Gojyo’s body was any indication. Hakkai would go, of course; Gojyo needed someone to tell him it was over.

Hakkai couldn’t possibly tell his friend it was over with any candor. He was positive it was not. Worse, the next disturbance might likely stem from him.

How could the healer tell the others that he also need to be cared for? How could he say that Cho Hakkai, diligent as always in keeping everyone else in check, was fighting his own guilt and his own weariness?

#And hunger. Never forget that, Cho Gonou.#

He was fighting the pleasure that he’d found in the killing, in the blood. He hated being that monster, even as he’d felt such joy in assuming its form. He didn’t want to resort to violence, especially not violence that would put blood on his hands again. It was one of the reasons he practiced *qigong*; *chi* blasts killed demons cleanly. The temptation of that vital fluid was never there with those types of deaths.

Demon blood had made him what he was, and the pull was always so strong when he sensed it being shed . . . Hakkai, and a small part of him the was still Gonou, wanted to return to it. Blood demanded more blood, demanded he feast on it. Control, his pleas to himself for decency, and the limiters kept him at bay.

No one ever saw it, or so Hakkai hoped. He suspected that Gojyo knew when the pull was strong, but was fairly cartain the kappa hadn’t figured out what it was from. Perhaps Sanzo knew, and even had suspicions of the origins of some of his darker moods. Goku didn’t know, but Hakkai he was sure that the monkey would understand better than either of the others. Goku knew all too well what it meant to fear the darkness that drew on one from within.

The green-eyed youkai’s craving was drawn from within and without. It was not as if Hakkai had never acknowledged the wave of negative energy that coated everything around him. It drove other demons to hunger for human flesh, to turn savage, and he’d felt its pull, as well. Unlike other demons, he’d been born of blood, and it was blood he thirsted for.

The demon blood had always tickled at the back of his consciousness, but this desire for human blood was new. It had begun to beat at him when he had faced Chin Yisou, when he had felt Sanzo’s pulse under his quaking hands, so warm, so close and fragile. He’d been able to let the blond’s throat go, then. He’d been able to master his feelings and destroy the twisted shikigami, but the seed had been planted.

The voice of Chin Yisou became the voice of his hunger.

It was worse now, the voice of his darkness so much clearer since he had taken his limiters off. His body had been allowed to feel the negative energy creeping from the West without anything but his own will to block it. More disturbing still, he had been sending out his own *chi* full force, leaving him vulnerable to the aura seeping in. It was still there, no matter how hard he tried to gather his *chi* to push it back out.

Perhaps he had trapped the negative aura inside him by putting the limiters back on. He shivered.

Hakkai tried to give it less thought as he drove. “Thank you for taking care of Goku, Gojyo. I- I don’t think I could right now.”

A swath of hair caught the corner of Hakkai’s good eye. Silky and crimson. Warm. His hands tightened on the steering wheel.

“No problem, man. Just don’t tell the monkey I was this soft on him when he wakes up. He won’t be soft on me, believe it. It’ll be all shouting and noogies, and ‘pervert kappa’ again. At least I hope so.”

“Well, I just hope you won’t be unpleasantly surprised,” Hakkai didn’t risk a glance
back.

“Yeah, poor kid. He really caught the hell of that situation. You okay, Hakkai? You sound a little out of it.”

#The hanyou would be perfect, wouldn’t he, Gonou? It’s fitting that such an abomination would suit your needs exactly. Even his hair and eyes beckon. Haven’t they always? Take him, Gonou.#

“i’ll be fine.”

Hakkai’s stomach gave a low growl, as if to refute his claim. Gojyo chuckled. “Damn, that sounds rough. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear the monkey was still awake.”

Hakuryu hit a sudden bump, causing Sanzo to slump back where he sat. A quiet breath escaped the priest’s lips. So, he was sleeping, after all. Hakkai didn’t blame him. Even days after the incident at Konran Tower, they were all wrecked. Sanzo deserved a rest almost as much as Goku.

Hakkai turned his gaze back to the road. Even with the high collar of Sanzo’s leather shirt he could still see just a hint of . . .

#The monk’s pale throat, Gonou. So beautiful, so unsullied and perfect. Remove just one of those little silver cuffs, and you can call your fangs and claws without turning entirely. Run the edge of just one nail along that white flesh and it would part. I’m sure it’s soft as a baby’s. Take a sip. The foolish thing trusts you, perhaps more so than he does that stupid monkey. It would be so easy.#

“I don’t really need anything to eat. When we get to the next town, we’ll stop. It should only be about thirty miles away. It won’t take us long.”

A soft yawn resonated from the back seat. “Did you say something about stopping, Hakkai? I’m starving,” Goku’s voice was muzzy with sleep.

“Of course we can stop, Goku,” Hakkai said. He gave Gojyo and Goku another glance. The monkey still hadn’t relinquished Gojyo’s waist, and his half-breed friend’s hand was resting on Goku’s shoulder now. So much for the boy acting normal again by beating up on Gojyo. Hakkai had suspected that Goku’s recovery wouldn’t be as easy as crying himself out and the offer of a meal, though he’d hoped otherwise.

Still, he had enough money in his pockets from a night of gambling with Gojyo to raise Goku’s spirits a little. “If there’s a place for it, Goku, we’ll get steak in the next town. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“It sounds great.” Goku’s voice raised in interest, but it was without his usual wild enthusiasm.

“I’ll treat so Sanzo can’t . . .”

“So Sanzo can’t what?” the monk lifted his head from where it lay back against the seat.

Hakkai put on his best diplomatic smile. “Easy there, Sanzo. I’m just saying that occasionally you complain about Goku eating up all of our money, so I thought I’d shoulder the responsibility this time.”

*And perhaps I can appease this damn hunger a little,* he thought. *At least enough so I can go on for a few more days without hearing that voice.*

“It’s about time somebody did. Still, you indulge him too much, Hakkai.”

The youkai waved a dismissive hand at Sanzo. “Oh, it’s no big deal, don’t worry about it. Cheer up. The beer is on me as well.”

“Sweet . . .” Gojyo purred from the back seat. “Your wallet’s gonna regret this, Hakkai.”

The blond just cleared his throat a bit. “Thanks.”

The barest hint of a smirk played over the thin lips. Hakkai recongized it as the expression the monk put on when he thought someone was being foolish and hopeless. The youkai could easily tell what Sanzo was probably thinking: *There Hakkai goes again, trying in vain to patch things up by being nice. Doesn’t he know it isn’t that easy? Doesn’t he know some things can’t be fixed? I bet he’s doing it because he feels guilty. Well, that’s Hakkai for you . . . Go ahead, Hakkai, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.*

*I know all this, Sanzo, but I have to try, and I know you’re also smiling because you’re resigned to the fact that you can’t stop me.*

Hakkai locked his eyes with Sanzo for a bare moment, then gave him a smirk of his own. The priest merely shook his head.

***

End part 1.

Questions? Comments? Desires to beat Chin Yisou with a tire iron? Please review.