Too Much
folder
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
4,409
Reviews:
22
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
4,409
Reviews:
22
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Gravitation, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
I was trying too much to care
Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine, unfortunately. if it was, eiri would be writing stuff for me. wouldn't y'all enjoy that? ^_~
A/N: hi all! this is not my first fanfic, but it is my first post here. it was actually inspired by an author on here, i just can't remember who. sorry ^_^;; i wrote it cause i gave myself a challenge-to make myself cry. and lo, i succeeded. now, i have two chapters of it, and i'm not sure if i should tag on a happy-ending third or leave it as is. so y'all let me know what you think, and if you like it, tell me what i should do. now, go read!
Chapter 1: Shu-chan POV
~*~
Chapter 1: I was trying too much to care
~*~
There’s an old American country singer that says that he loves losers when they try. I think he’d most definitely love me. I’ve tried so hard for so long, only to lose in the end. Some would say I gave up, but others would know better. Shindou Shuichi has never given up in his life. He’s just failed too many times to continue. I’ve lost too many times to try again. I admit defeat.
I can see it all now. As I live the last few minutes of my life, the picture is starting to come into focus. All the people I’ve hurt, annoyed, pissed off, encountered even, are lined up in my mind’s eye, their faces smiling evilly, gleefully, as the knife gets ever closer to my wrist. They want me gone. And at this point, realizing all the pain and annoyance my mere existence has caused, I want me gone too. For you the most, though. If I’m gone, you can be happy, and that’s all I can ask for, really.
I remember when we first met. In the park, on my way home. You were so cold and mean to a complete stranger, sometimes I can’t even imagine why I fell in love with you. But I did, and hard. I couldn’t see anyone but you. And that might be when it all started to go wrong.
God, it was so easy to get swept away by you, the romance novelist. Yet you can do nothing that doesn’t show how cold and inhuman you are on the inside. Except when you want something. A little sweet talk here and there, a lustful look, and you’d have anybody eating out of the palm of your hand. Even me. Especially me. If only it were only me. I’d take the abuse that doubles as intimacies if only it were just me you abused. But it was just me, wasn’t it? I was the only one you could say such hurtful and cold things to.
If your sister annoyed you, you’d simply ignore her. No matter how much Seguchi annoyed you, you’d ignore your annoyance and be with him anyway. You’d give your editor such dirty looks, but you never said anything ugly to her. It was just me who fell victim to your piercing tongue, your physical abuse. So I guess I wanted something more than just your presence. But I stayed with you anyway.
I whined to Hiro and the rest of them at NG like there was no tomorrow. I threatened to quit the band, I refused to work, I was unable to work, I vowed to stop loving you, I vowed to make you mine, I vowed to love you forever even if you got rid of me. I put those men through so much pain, torment, exasperation never to notice it. Everything was always about me. And you. Never them.
Hiro quit the band. Twice. But he always came back because I wanted him to. Because I didn’t want to give up on my dream. He had feelings for your once-fiancee, and I completely ignored him to concentrate on a relationship that, surprise, ended up nowhere. I think they got together. But see? There again, I know nothing because I’m too wrapped up in my own world. I guess I should wish him happiness too.
Ryuichi, my idol, my God, hates me. I’ll never have the talent he has, and I bet it pisses him off with his whole being that he is constantly compared to some little shit like me. Just like you said.
And my family. Ever since I fell for you and signed Bad Luck to NG, I haven’t really paid attention to my family. Before I graduated, my sister was going out with a third year. I don’t even know if she broke up with him, found someone new. I can’t tell you how my dad’s doing at work or if my mom has tried any new recipes lately. I can’t even tell you their hair colors. Is dad’s all shot through with gray? Is mom’s? Has my sister colored her hair some wild shade of blue that drives the boys crazy at school?
And while I’ve been thinking about you this whole time, I can honestly say that you don’t know where I am. For once in my life I haven’t told you where I’d be or when I’d be home. Of course, I don’t see how I could when I know that the answer is never. I pilfered one of your knives early this morning, intending to never come back. I didn’t leave a note for you to find by the coffee pot. I didn’t stick my head into your study to let you know I was leaving. And the question comes to mind: did you even notice?
Did it register that the loud, obnoxious, overzealous punk didn’t disturb you as you tried to finish another sure-to-be-a-best-selling novel? Did it register, and you just thanked God that I left without making so much as a distracting noise?
I notice now that if I have some subconscious thought to slit my wrist, hoping someone will stop me or find me before I bleed out, it’s not going to happen. I’m in my old apartment, the one I moved to shortly before I moved in with you. The place I kept just for storage. I’ll be long dead before anyone even remembers that this place exists. Am I satisfied with that?
I remind myself that I’m not doing this for me. I won’t be happy killing myself. But so many other people will be. I won’t even try to pretend that someone will cry for me. I’m too useless for such things as others’ tears.
You know, I did leave you a goodbye note, somewhere there’s a good chance you’ll find it, but also an equally good chance that you won’t. Not that it would matter either way. You don’t care for me, I should’ve realized that before it came to this. But there’s no turning back.
I’ve spent so much time trying to win your love, your heart, a whispered word of endearment. I lost in that. Sometimes I wonder to whom I lost. Is it Seguchi, even though he’s married to your sister? Or is it a ghost? Did I lose to a dead man? Is his memory so painful and real, after all this time, that you just couldn’t love anyone else?
I tried so many different things. I tried to win you over. I tried to force your love. I even tried to forget you, give you up, be the bigger person. And no matter what I tried, I ended up hurting those around me. But...
I was trying too much to care.
A/N: hi all! this is not my first fanfic, but it is my first post here. it was actually inspired by an author on here, i just can't remember who. sorry ^_^;; i wrote it cause i gave myself a challenge-to make myself cry. and lo, i succeeded. now, i have two chapters of it, and i'm not sure if i should tag on a happy-ending third or leave it as is. so y'all let me know what you think, and if you like it, tell me what i should do. now, go read!
Chapter 1: Shu-chan POV
~*~
Chapter 1: I was trying too much to care
~*~
There’s an old American country singer that says that he loves losers when they try. I think he’d most definitely love me. I’ve tried so hard for so long, only to lose in the end. Some would say I gave up, but others would know better. Shindou Shuichi has never given up in his life. He’s just failed too many times to continue. I’ve lost too many times to try again. I admit defeat.
I can see it all now. As I live the last few minutes of my life, the picture is starting to come into focus. All the people I’ve hurt, annoyed, pissed off, encountered even, are lined up in my mind’s eye, their faces smiling evilly, gleefully, as the knife gets ever closer to my wrist. They want me gone. And at this point, realizing all the pain and annoyance my mere existence has caused, I want me gone too. For you the most, though. If I’m gone, you can be happy, and that’s all I can ask for, really.
I remember when we first met. In the park, on my way home. You were so cold and mean to a complete stranger, sometimes I can’t even imagine why I fell in love with you. But I did, and hard. I couldn’t see anyone but you. And that might be when it all started to go wrong.
God, it was so easy to get swept away by you, the romance novelist. Yet you can do nothing that doesn’t show how cold and inhuman you are on the inside. Except when you want something. A little sweet talk here and there, a lustful look, and you’d have anybody eating out of the palm of your hand. Even me. Especially me. If only it were only me. I’d take the abuse that doubles as intimacies if only it were just me you abused. But it was just me, wasn’t it? I was the only one you could say such hurtful and cold things to.
If your sister annoyed you, you’d simply ignore her. No matter how much Seguchi annoyed you, you’d ignore your annoyance and be with him anyway. You’d give your editor such dirty looks, but you never said anything ugly to her. It was just me who fell victim to your piercing tongue, your physical abuse. So I guess I wanted something more than just your presence. But I stayed with you anyway.
I whined to Hiro and the rest of them at NG like there was no tomorrow. I threatened to quit the band, I refused to work, I was unable to work, I vowed to stop loving you, I vowed to make you mine, I vowed to love you forever even if you got rid of me. I put those men through so much pain, torment, exasperation never to notice it. Everything was always about me. And you. Never them.
Hiro quit the band. Twice. But he always came back because I wanted him to. Because I didn’t want to give up on my dream. He had feelings for your once-fiancee, and I completely ignored him to concentrate on a relationship that, surprise, ended up nowhere. I think they got together. But see? There again, I know nothing because I’m too wrapped up in my own world. I guess I should wish him happiness too.
Ryuichi, my idol, my God, hates me. I’ll never have the talent he has, and I bet it pisses him off with his whole being that he is constantly compared to some little shit like me. Just like you said.
And my family. Ever since I fell for you and signed Bad Luck to NG, I haven’t really paid attention to my family. Before I graduated, my sister was going out with a third year. I don’t even know if she broke up with him, found someone new. I can’t tell you how my dad’s doing at work or if my mom has tried any new recipes lately. I can’t even tell you their hair colors. Is dad’s all shot through with gray? Is mom’s? Has my sister colored her hair some wild shade of blue that drives the boys crazy at school?
And while I’ve been thinking about you this whole time, I can honestly say that you don’t know where I am. For once in my life I haven’t told you where I’d be or when I’d be home. Of course, I don’t see how I could when I know that the answer is never. I pilfered one of your knives early this morning, intending to never come back. I didn’t leave a note for you to find by the coffee pot. I didn’t stick my head into your study to let you know I was leaving. And the question comes to mind: did you even notice?
Did it register that the loud, obnoxious, overzealous punk didn’t disturb you as you tried to finish another sure-to-be-a-best-selling novel? Did it register, and you just thanked God that I left without making so much as a distracting noise?
I notice now that if I have some subconscious thought to slit my wrist, hoping someone will stop me or find me before I bleed out, it’s not going to happen. I’m in my old apartment, the one I moved to shortly before I moved in with you. The place I kept just for storage. I’ll be long dead before anyone even remembers that this place exists. Am I satisfied with that?
I remind myself that I’m not doing this for me. I won’t be happy killing myself. But so many other people will be. I won’t even try to pretend that someone will cry for me. I’m too useless for such things as others’ tears.
You know, I did leave you a goodbye note, somewhere there’s a good chance you’ll find it, but also an equally good chance that you won’t. Not that it would matter either way. You don’t care for me, I should’ve realized that before it came to this. But there’s no turning back.
I’ve spent so much time trying to win your love, your heart, a whispered word of endearment. I lost in that. Sometimes I wonder to whom I lost. Is it Seguchi, even though he’s married to your sister? Or is it a ghost? Did I lose to a dead man? Is his memory so painful and real, after all this time, that you just couldn’t love anyone else?
I tried so many different things. I tried to win you over. I tried to force your love. I even tried to forget you, give you up, be the bigger person. And no matter what I tried, I ended up hurting those around me. But...
I was trying too much to care.