The Past Life

Our embrace was short lived. It was my Master who broke it, pulling back with a slightly surprised look on his face. Had he not meant to do that? Perhaps he hadn't expected my reaction.

I had been hoping for some explanation, but I would not be getting it tonight. Master refused to make eye contact and even turned to face away from me. “I'm sorry, Zoisite. Would you mind...”

He was asking me to leave. “Of course not, Master,” I replied hurriedly. I slipped my boots back on quickly and opened the door. A look over my shoulder showed me that Master had already retreated to the inner rooms of his chambers.

I closed the door behind me and immediately slipped deep into thought. So many things that had happened in the last few minutes didn't make sense, and I couldn't seem to work any of them out in my mind.

“Is something wrong?”

I had completely forgotten that Kunzite would be waiting on the other side of the door. “No,” I lied, albeit poorly. I sat in the wooden chair on the other side of Master's door, and once again lost touch with reality.

“You're a terrible liar.”

I hesitantly looked over at Kunzite. There was obvious concern on his face. “Really, it's nothing.”

He shook his head, “Zoisite, what did Master want to talk about?” He had decided to ask more direct questions.

“He was having difficultly with what will be happening tomorrow. He wanted to talk to someone.” This was the truth, and Kunzite knew this.

“Then our Master is fine?”

I nodded, “he has gone to bed.”

“Then there is something wrong with you. You look flushed.”

I raised a gloved hand to my cheek, surprised at his comment. “I'm sure it's nothing.”

“Go get some rest,” he suggested, “we need you to be with us tomorrow.”

I knew his suggestion would become an order if I refused, and returning to my own room to try and sort through everything did sound rather inviting. I nodded and stood. “Good night,” I said. Kunzite returned the phrase and I left for my own chambers.

I knew full well that I wasn't going to sleep, so I hadn't bothered removing the majority of my uniform. Several hours had past with me lying on my bed, attempting to figure out what had happened. I was no longer concerned with why he had kissed me. I was more troubled by my own actions. Why had I kissed him back?

I wasn't going to get my answers here, so I got out of bed and grabbed my cape and sash. After attaching them to the rest of my uniform, I retrieved my boots and headed for the music room.

Most of the time I wished that the music room was closer to my own chambers, but this time it would be better for it to be away from where anyone might be sleeping. The room was not sound proof, and I didn't want to wake anyone. It was well into the night.

I didn't see anyone in the halls during my journey, for that I was thankful. I slipped into the music room and closed the door behind me. Immediately, I made my way over to the baby grand.

It was a fine instrument, I was fortunate. Endymion's father had noticed that I had a talent for playing when I was very young, and he had ordered the best. I remember being quite shocked when it was presented to me. What does one say when given such a gift?

I sat at the bench and poised my hands over the keys. I choose a slow, calm piece. One I had composed myself, though I had yet to name it.

The events from earlier that night began to replay themselves in my head as I played. Master had stepped up close to me, close enough that our bodies were almost touching. He placed on hand on my arm, and the other on my back, then he had kissed me.

His lips were soft, and the moved over mine with such grace. It wasn't long before I was returning the kiss, a few seconds perhaps. It was expected of me, perhaps that's why I did it. When you kiss someone, you hope that they will return the gesture.

I remember the kiss deepening ever so slightly, and then his tongue...

My eyes snapped open and my playing stopped in mid-cadence. That hadn't happened. My breath was coming out in pants, and my heart rate had increased as well. Our kiss had been simple and short, why was I suddenly remembering differently? Why was this false memory causing this reaction in me?

I wanted it. The answer was so blindingly obvious, I just didn't want to accept it. When Master kissed me, I wanted to kiss him back.

“Damnit,” I said under my breath, though I resisted the urge to slam my fists down on the keys. I hated myself at that moment. Hated the fact that I had wanted something for myself. Something, that in the end, could be harmful for my Master's future. I wanted something that could hurt my Master.

I stood up, walked away from the piano, and started pacing back and forth. Surely I could push these feelings aside, ignore them.

I stopped pacing and concentrated on this new resolution. I would ignore this desire, I would forget about those feelings and continue to do my job. I glanced out the window at the night, half of it had passed by this point, I was sure. I needed to attempt to get some sleep.

I left the music room and returned to my chambers.

The little sleep that I did manage to get was plagued by dreams. Dreams that I desperately needed to forget. It was not long before I remembered what day it was, and soon my mind cleared of any dishonourable thoughts.

I would meet with Master's father in the early afternoon. He wished to speak with each of us before sunset. He was a good man, and understood the strain this situation was putting on many of us, though he was a man of tradition, and wouldn't change laws that were generations old. He also cared greatly for his only son.

I started getting changed into my regular uniform. I planned to spend most of the day in the music room, where I could be found easily. I suspected Jadeite might want to speak with me, and I would normally expect to see my Master as well, though now, I wasn't so sure.

With my uniform now in place, I ran a brush through my hair quickly and tied it back. A look out the window told me that it was late morning, perhaps an hour before noon. I had some time before I needed to meet with the King.

I gathered some sheets of music from my desk, a new piece I was working on, and left for the music room. It was a path through the palace that some joked had actually been worn into the floor. I turned a corner, nearing my destination, when I saw another heading towards me. We both halted our steps at about the same time and it took a moment before I could acknowledge him.

“Master,” I said with some caution in my voice, my head dipped slightly. I guessed that he must have been walking in this area of the palace for a reason.

“Zoisite... I...” his voice trailed off. I looked up tentatively at him and saw that he was looking in the direction of the music room. “I'd like to talk to you, if that's alright.”

“Of course,” I replied, walking towards the door and opening it. I held it open while Master entered then closed it behind me. I considered locking it. People did tend to walk in without any announcement, and I suspected Master would rather keep this conversation private.

Master appeared to notice my indecision by the door. “This won't be long.”

I silently agreed to leave the door unlocked and started walking towards the piano. Master was resting a hand on the side of it, appearing interested in the steel strings. I allowed him the time he needed to collect his thoughts and waited patiently.

It was several minutes before he spoke. “I never apologized properly,” he started. “I shouldn't have done that. I put you in a very awkward position.”

“The past few days have been very stressful for you, Master. I'm sure you're just...”

He started shaking his head, almost sadly. There was a strange look on his face, but he said nothing to elaborate on the negative. “Please, accept my apology.”

“Yes, of course.”

He smiled and thanked me before turning to leave the room. Something stopped him though and I could see that he was looking over his shoulder slightly at me. He wanted to ask something.

“Master?”

“It's nothing. Good luck tonight... I guess.” What does one say to another in this situation? I suppose neither of us really knew.