Silent Acceptance

And the Bride Will Wear White

mid-September


Kuroda silenced his love with a finger. “Do you ever shut up? The entire complex can hear you.”

Asakura grinned back before claiming that single digit with his mouth, proving that even without words, he could say quite a lot. The two then quickly stole away to “their” bedroom. The day was done, and tomorrow held much promise.


Sawa took his hands off the keyboard and stared at the screen. It was 3:15 in the morning, Yukihito was dead to the world, and he was fighting exhaustion.

But, it was finished. One hundred twenty five thousand and eighty-six words, and he was done. Go Jou was complete.

He heard a loud cry of joy moments before he realized that it was coming from his own mouth. Rising from the chair, Sawa threw both hands in the air and yelled into the empty living room, “It's done! It's finished!”

Yukihito trudged into the room, his hair still tousled from sleep, but his eyes darting about, tracking his uncle's victory dance into the kitchen. “Nagisa, did you say that you were done?”

Sawa spun around, running to the boy and embracing him tightly. His lips were moving even as he planted kisses on Yukihito's lips. “Yes...and...I...can...sleep...now...”

He then let go and headed for the bedroom, dragging Yukihito with him. His words finally resonated in Yukihito's mind as they fell upon the bed in a heap.

“That's great! Can I read it now?”

“Tomorrow, stay here and snuggle with me now.”

“Did you remember to save it?”


********


“Sawa-san, it's been brought to my attention that your performance hasn't been up to par lately.”

Sawa stood still as his boss sat behind this desk, leaning on steepled hands. He wasn't too nervous about being called in. In fact, he knew it would have happened eventually. It was a shame that he couldn't respond to anything honestly.

“You've missed too many days, and have been seen leaving early when you do come in. And you were late today.”

Well, Sawa thought, I did have a novel to finish. I wanted to type the last chapter instead of writing it so I could deliver it all to Makoto this morning before work.

“I'm sure you've noticed the various minor violations to the dress code as well, Sawa-san...”

Ah yes, the makeup on the collar. Who knew that it was so difficult to remove in the wash?

“Is there anything going on that we need to talk about?”

Well, he thought, other than the fact that after hours I wear heels and makeup whenever I damn well please...

“No, sir,” Sawa responded out loud. “I will do better.”

“Why don't you just quit?” Makoto asked later that night over dinner. Yukihito cooked a delicious o-nabe to greet them both with after work, and Makoto brought a small bottle of sake to celebrate the completion of Go Jou. “You hate it there, it doesn't work for you at all, and as long as you keep churning out great works like this novel, you won't have to worry about money for a while.”

“I've thought about it,” Sawa replied, refilling her cup. “But I need a plan B just in case this doesn't work out.”

“Why not go work at Tomodachi?” Yukihito asked quietly.

Sawa mused over that idea. The pay would be significantly lower, but he could be himself. And the employee discount Ayame took advantage of would be nice.


********


“What?” Toisho asked. “You want to work here?”

“Yes, if there are any openings of course.” Sawa felt more and more ridiculous about the idea the longer Toisho looked at him. Is is right to ask a friend for a job?

“I run a very small business, and Ayame is enough help. Why do you want to give up a straight gig?”

“Because he's not,” Ayame replied form the dildo racks she was restocking. “I could spare some of my later shifts, and then I could pick up an extra acting gig or two. Hell, if I get off early enough, I could do a few out of town ones.”

Toisho sighed like a frustrated father dealing with a willful child. “You really should rethink those out of town jobs. Remember the pervert who picked you up two nights ago? The one who nearly raped you in his car?”

“Well, he didn't...” Ayame said sheepishly.

“And that was because he saw what you have under your skirt and nearly beat you to death.”

“I maced him before he could lay another hand on me, so quit worrying.” She turned back to the racks.

Toisho stalked over to her, turning her around by the arm. Her sleeve slipped down, revealing a set of dark bruises on her arm. “Remember these? Remember coming to my apartment in tears? Are you going to risk getting killed for this surgery? What is the rush?”

“The rush is that I just turned 25, Toisho. I only have a year to fly to Thailand, get the surgery, recover and then get married. I don't want to become Christmas cake before I'm a complete woman.”

“That's ridiculous, and you know it. Do you really think that the moment you get out of the hospital and far out of Tokyo some guy's going to drop on a knee and present you a ring, sight unseen? What are you going to tell him about your past?”

“What's there to tell him? Would you want some used up whore to spend the rest of your life with? Wouldn't you rather not know?”

Sawa knew that she always wanted out of the porn business once she had her sex change, but the fact that she would never mention her past hurt him a bit. Did their friendship mean nothing to her? Did Toisho's friendship mean nothing?

Toisho sighed, putting her arm down. “You assume entirely too much, Ayame. Come downstairs with me, Nagisa, and we'll work on a temporary schedule.”


******


At first, Sawa only worked at Tomodachi four nights a week. He felt that it would give him enough time to give a two week notice at My City, but he kept forgetting. He blamed it mostly on the stress of doing both jobs.

Ayame was no help either, insisting that he go out with her after his shift ended. He was arriving to My City later and later, more and more exhausted. Yukihito saw even less of him, and any planning for another novel was put on hold until he could summon the mental energy to write again.

One night, Ayame dragged him to a new show bar, despite his complaints that he was tired.

“We won't be in there for long, Na-chan,” she assured him. “I've heard some really awful things about it, to be honest.”

“So why are we going?”

“Well, rumors are one thing. I want to see for myself.”

“And why am I going?”

She rolled her eyes and pulled him into the line of people waiting to get in. “Because you're my bestest friend, that's why.”

Sawa couldn't shake the awful feeling that grabbed a hold of him as the moved in the line to the front door. Something was very off.

He and Ayame had their ID cards out and ready to give to the shaded bouncer. The man took a very long time looking at Sawa's card, and for a moment, Sawa thought the man was going to start trouble. Even with makeup on and a new haircut, he didn't look that different from his picture.

“Is there a problem, sir?” he asked.

“Sawa Tsuneo?” the man asked in a voice that sounded more like a squeak. The voice was scarily familiar to Sawa. The man removed his shades, revealing himself as Shisho Asato, one of Sawa's co-workers from MyCity.

“Shisho-san? What are you doing here?” Sawa asked, panic nearly stealing his breath.

“I'd ask you the same thing.”

Before Sawa knew it, he was backing away from the line. With the sound of Ayame calling his name barely a blur in his mind, he ran away from the club as fast as his heels could carry him.

The train ride back home was plagued with worries. Now someone from his day job knew about him. What would that mean tomorrow?

Perhaps Shisho wouldn't tell anyone.

It took only two days before he was called back into his boss' office. Sawa knew it was coming. He found his ID slipped into his locker the day after seeing Shisho, and the man had been avoiding his gaze. The other guys seemed far too distant as well.

“Yes, sir?” Sawa asked as he shut the door behind him.

“It is a shame that I must do this, Sawa-san. A rumor has been going around that you were seen in the ni-chome area in women's clothes. Is that true?”

He could have denied it all. No, the rumors were false. He would never set foot in such a place, or do such a disgusting thing. But that would deny who he was. That would deny Nagisa's entire existence. He would not do such a thing.

“Yes, it's true.” Part of him wanted to rat on Shisho as well for also working there, but that would just sound petty at this point. It was best to keep some dignity.

“As you may have noticed, other employees are uncomfortable with your particular lifestyle. I've had a few in my office threatening to leave if I did not let you go, and a few others threatening to inform their wives about the 'pervert' working security. That would not do for MyCity at all. I hope you understand that this is only for the good of the company.”

For the second time in less than a year, Sawa found himself removing his badge. “I understand, sir. And that is why I've decided to quit. I hope my lack of notice will not be a problem.”

He walked out of the office stiffly, avoiding the eyes of the collected guards in the break room, chanting the word “dignity” in his head until he got to the main door of the security office. Once he was out of the store, though, he began to panic. He just walked away from his most promising source of income. How would he and Yukihito eat? The lease on the apartment would be up next month, and his last paycheck would barely cover renewing it. What had he done? What if his parents found out?

Yukihito was home from school by the time Sawa came back from several hours on the train worrying. Upon hearing the news, the boy started cheerfully throwing all of Sawa's uniforms into the flammable trash bin.

“I'm glad you quit,” he said. “Now you have more time to write. And you should be getting paid for your novel soon, right? So, quit worrying about it.”

Before Sawa could argue against his sudden insufferable bought of optimism, Yukihito kissed him quiet.


*******

A week later

“I hope this check will help with any expenses, Sawa-san,” Makoto declared as she gave him a white envelope with part of his pay. The check was for 2.4 million yen, and the remaining 1.2 million would be given to him once the book was published. That wouldn't include royalties

“This will help out a lot,” Sawa replied. “Yukihito and I want to move to a large apartment next month.”

Tired of cramped spaces, the two talked about moving into a nice 2 bedroom apartment. The second bedroom would make an excellent office for writing and studying.

“Makoto-san, what happens next now that Nagisa is done writing?” Yukihito asked. Sawa was glad that he had the foresight to ask such a question. In all of his excitement about finishing Go Jou and quitting his job, he never thought to tell the boy about it.

“Well, first it goes through editors to get the extra kinks out. Then it goes to the printers, and then the stores. It's a simple sounding process that could take months to finish. In the meanwhile, Taboo wants to promote a great deal of press about it, so we'll be doing interviews before the book even comes out. That's why I'm glad you quit the MyCity job, so you can have the time to do them, Sawa-san. It's pretty much uphill from here.”

“Well, that's only if the book sells well, of course. I mean, it is my first effort and-ouch!”

Yukihito glared at him, pulling back his hand from where he pinched the older man's arms. Sawa doubting himself was a habit that he could do without.

“Thank you, Yukihito-kun,” Makoto replied. “I hope you do that every time he says something that silly. From what I've read over, it's going to do well, and if not I suppose you'll just have to try again with a new tale. Taboo wouldn't have taken it if they didn't think it would sell well.”

Before Sawa could object, the telephone rang. Glad to be out of pinching range, he went to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Nagisa? It's Toisho.” Toisho's voice sounded rough and thick, as if he'd been crying. Sawa felt his heart begin to pound in anticipation of whatever it was that was making the man so upset.

“It's Ayame. She's...she's...” The man on the other line began to break down. Sawa heard someone take the phone from him.

“Sawa, come to the store quickly,” Arashi's voice continued. “Ayame's been found dead.”


*******

The Tomodachi had two separate entrances, the main one for customers and a side door for deliveries and employees, accessible with a key code. For the first time since Sawa first laid eyes on the store, the dancing lights were off and the front door was chained shut. They waved to Makoto, who had dropped them off, and went to the side door.

“I've always wanted to show you this shop,” Sawa told Yukihito as he punched in the key code. “Just under different circumstances.” His voice wavered and his vision blurred as more tears threatened for spill over. Yukihito squeezed his hand, reaching up and wiping the stray tears away.

The door led to a flight of stairs going down to the storage area and Toisho's office. As they descended, Arashi's words echoed in Sawa's mind with every step.

“Ayame...dead...found dead...”

Part of him hoped that this was some cruel joke, that the colorful okama would be hiding among the boxes of sex toys and videos, ready to pop out and scare him. But as they came closer and heard the various sniffing and weeping, reality set in.

There were nearly two dozen people crammed into the small space. Sawa recognized them all as friends of hers, various other okama and jani-types, Jian, Ranka, DM. All were in various states of tearful mourning, some mascara stained and all red eyed, huddled in heaps, clinging to one another.

Toisho sat near the phone on his desk, head in his hands and with Arashi rubbing his back.

“There, there,” he told the grief stricken man. “That was the last person you had to tell.”

“No, I have to tell everyone,” was the muffled reply before Toisho raised his head. He looked as if he had aged twenty years and then went through a war, with the lines on his face deeper than Sawa had ever seen

“Toisho,” Sawa called to him, his own voice breaking at the sight of his friend and employer. Toisho stood and stumbled toward him, yanking him out of the hand hold he had with Yukihito and pulling him to his chest. Sawa returned the embrace, giving away to the sobs that he had tried his best to hold in since the phone call.

After a moment, Sawa reached back for Yukihito's hand and pulled him to his side. “I know that he's underage, but I wanted him to be here, too...”

Toisho looked at the boy for a moment and then bowed his head slightly at him. “It's okay. She-she spoke very well of you, you know.” He smiled wryly. “Something about how you were going to be a knockout when you grew up.”

“Thank you,” Yukihito replied softly, pressing himself against Sawa's side. He was trying his best to be supportive in this time of need, but he also felt Ayame's passing just as strongly, and tears stung his eyes as he watched everyone around him weep.

“What happened?” Sawa asked.

Taking a deep breath, Toisho relayed the story. Ayame's body was found on the side of the road miles out of Tokyo this morning. She had been struck by a car. The police found his number in her cell phone.

“I told her,” he continued, his body trembling in Sawa's arms. “I told her not to hitchhike to those shoots. I even offered her the remaining amount for her damned surgery, but she wouldn't take it. She wanted to earn it all. She's so pigheaded....that's what I loved the most about her...”

The guilt that Toisho was carrying had to be enormous. “Did you ever tell her that you loved her?” Sawa asked. There was no question about the man's feelings, especially now.

“Oh, she knew,” he replied. “She wouldn't have me, because I knew what she did for a living She was so determined to get that sex change, and she thought I wouldn't want her after that. Stupid girl.”

Someone else knocked on the door, and Sawa lead Toisho up the stairs to open it. Behind it was a short woman, a large pair of dark sunglasses swamping her face and her body concealed by a dark coat. For a split second, Sawa found her style to be suspiciously familiar to Ayame's. She promptly launched herself into Toisho's arms.

“Toisho! It's not fair! Why her?” she wailed.

“It's alright,” Toisho murmured. “I'm glad you were in town when I called. Did you get a chance to speak to her parents?”

As they headed back down the stairs, the woman pulled her shades up to dab at her eyes with a handkerchief, revealing herself as Ayame's idol, Hana-hime.

“I tried, but no one in my family still wouldn't have anything to do with me, so forget about contacting hers. They don't even want me to come around unless I'm 'properly' dressed. Like I can really hide these implants under a yukata. They'll be cremating her as 'Ryuuen'. She hated that name so much.” Her voice breaking, Hana bawled into her handkerchief. “It'll be like Ayame never existed.”

“What?” Sawa said before he could stop himself. How did the larger than life Hana know Ayame's parents?

Toisho quickly explained. Hana and Ayame were cousins, growing up together and sharing the same secret. When Hana got found out by her parents, she ran away to Tokyo, but continued to write Ayame until the other was ready to leave home.

“We even lived together before I got big,” Hana finished the explanation by the time they reached the bottom floor. The other mourners quickly flocked them, hugging Hana close.

Jian and Arashi volunteered to go out for food as Hana cajoled Toisho into letting them burn some white candles from his stock in a spontaneous wake for their lost friend. Soon, the scent of various white scented candles mixed and wafted about in an almost cloying mix with the smell of take out that no one felt like eating. Lacking proper envelopes, the gathered gave condolence money to Hana, since she was next of kin, a few yen here and there, whatever was in their pockets at the time. Toisho gave her a few sticks of incense to burn on a makeshift shrine they put together with the candles and a picture of Ayame that she herself placed on his desk. Sawa suggested that in lieu of a proper sutra, since they lacked a priest, they should all talk about good memories of Ayame.

Toisho began. “She was the most infuriating, stubborn little brat I've ever met. I met her on the streets of ni-chome nearly 5 years ago and offered her a job here after seeing her completely fail at selling herself. I got to see an awkward child grow up to be a confident, self aware woman. She changed me in so many ways. It was as if she made getting me to loosen up her life duty.”

“And it worked,” Jian replied. “Who here hasn't loosened up a bit because of her? She was all about everyone having a good time. A movie, a few drinks, show bars, even karaoke, it all was a group thing. You never saw her doing any of this stuff alone.”

A few people chuckled, and one mourner started to hum a tune that Ayame was infamous for belting out after a few drinks.

“She really did have a nice voice,” Hana added. “I wanted us to travel and tour together, a sister act, so to speak, so that we could watch out for each other, but she wanted to pave her own way into the world.”

“You know, she bowled me over the first time we met-literally,” Sawa quickly interjected as he saw Hana begin to cry again. She gave him a teary smile. “Since then, she always encouraged me to follow my own dreams and whims.” He curled his fingers around Yukihito's. “I have so much to thank her for.”

It was dawn when Sawa and Yukihito returned to the apartment and they slept until the alarm woke them a couple of hours later. Yukihito called in from school in order to rest and stay near his mournful lover. He also shed tears in the deepest privacy of Sawa's arms for the loss of his quirky English tutor.

Makoto called that evening to offer her condolences.

“I know she meant a lot to you.”

“Makoto, is it too late to add on to the dedication of the novel? I know I have one for Yukihito, but...” He had a good idea of what he should put down. It was what Ayame wanted to see since his Kokakuro debut.

“That's no problem at all, Sawa-san. Just let me find a pen.”

By the time Sawa hung up, he and Makoto hashed out an appropriate second dedication:

To the fabulous Ayame Mori, my all time biggest fan

Author's Notes: Yeah, I'll miss her, too. She was the OC that I was happy to create, to help Sawa grow into his identity. Sawa now has to learn what it mean to be true to himself without her, and it's my guess that he'll do just fine.

2.4 million yen is about 20,000 dollars. 1.2 million yes is about half that, for a total of 3.6 million yen, or 30,000 dollars. Yeah, he's getting crazy paid.

"jani-type" = Japanese equivalent of a "twink" or a "nancy boy"; a cute, young looking gay man.


To the fabulous Ayame Mori, my all time biggest fan...