Towers of Silence

Pairing: 35

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: crossdressing aka 'kinky drag'; and a gag (no, not the funny one, just the one you put in other's mouthes)

Length: 17.456

Summary: Gojyo gets overwhelmed by his bad conscience, suffering from wounds which look like they will never heal.
But, what would love be, if there was no cure in it?















Towers of Silence
-Vacant Love

_______________













It felt like treason. Dishonest, false and still unbelievable. In that hell of fear, anger and desperation we were captured, one sitting on the bed, staring at the one who was standing in front of it, the third standing besides those two and the fourth still hanging around in front of the door. We shared silence, confusion and astonishment.



We hadn’t known that we had been able to act and think like that. Sanzo had let himself being shot, the one who wouldn’t even have let you touch him some time ago. Gojyo had shot the one whom he loved so deeply, he had known that he could have died because of that. And Hakkai had tried to separate them, he who had always tolerated everything they had done, who had at least tried to understand them and let them live their lives how they had decided to live them.



“…coffee…? …anyone…?”



None of the three moved nor looked up.



“Me.”



“…me too.”



“Yes.”



He turned around and left the room. And the silence fell down on them again.

One of them sighed and bent his head to look at the floor. The other two also shifted for a more comfortable posture. The silence was only interrupted by muffled coughing and the sound of the wind, rushing through the reeds and whispering through the room, telling stories of its loneliness and solitude.



Although they were so far away from each other at that moment they were still chained together, getting conscious of the bitter taste left from their actions and thoughts. Minutes passed while the familiar noises of the coffee making were heard. No one looked up when the door was opened and he came back again, carrying a tray with the four cups on it. Of course he didn’t know anything.

He put it down on the table on the left of the room, took two cups and went to the group to bring them their coffee.



The first whom he gave the cup to looked up when he saw it appearing above the floor at which he still had been staring. Confusion but also gratefulness was playing in his eyes. Obviously he was thankful for his help and for his courage to do something and change the currently awfully terrible situation.

He passed him and went to the second one, standing in front of the bed and staring into the direction of the window.



With a shy smile he held the cup in front of his head to draw the attention of the man on it. He blinked and stared at the cup. And as if this picture had caused something to pop up in his mind, maybe a pleasant picture or an unpleasant one, his eyes widened and he took it.



He went back again to the table to take the third cup and he went to the last one sitting on the bed. At least to the one who was on the bed, he had given up sitting.

He carefully sat down and offered him the steaming coffee. But he didn’t take it, he kept looking at his thighs.

His smile faded but he waited there for him to take it.



“Your…coffee…”



After another minute he put it down on the bedside table and got up to fetch his own cup. When he had passed the one who had been staring out of the window he sighed and turned around and walked towards the bed. And so did the other who had been staring at the floor, he followed and joined him. They sat down on the same side of the bed, looking at their coffee and now the third also took his cup.

They were still chained together.



As he sipped his coffee he caught a glimpse of his fingers.

He was still claiming him, possessing him, owning him. He took the cup into the other hand and held the other up in the air, just in front of his face. The lines were still floating around it, shining in that pale but so well matching violet, tearing the blackness apart. It reminded him of his speech, how weepy he had sounded and it reminded him of what had happened after that scene.



And it was still such a pleasure to think about that so that he had to smile.



“I loved it how you scared me with that speech…and how you wept it away with your cries and moans…”



Sanzo lifted his head to look at what I was looking at. It was good that I wouldn’t get the ring off anymore because I would have killed myself if I had lost it somewhere or if it had slipped off after washing my hands or if it slipped off when my fingers would have been cold and therefore smaller… There were so many ways of losing a love. Sanzo had simply prevented me from losing it by deciding over my head. I was so truly happy to be his servant.



“Have I really scared you…?”



I was so glad that he answered me, I had been afraid that he wouldn’t respond because…of that strange situation of which no one knew how it had been able to rise and why.



“Mh…”



The coffee tasted very good, Royo knew how to make it. Hakkai and Royo knew how to make it. And I had to admit that mine still tasted good as well but not that good as the coffee of Royo and Hakkai. I thought about enslaving them, forcing them to make me coffee for the rest of my life.



“And where shall I sit then?”



Royo was standing in front of us, complaining about things about which you could just laugh at the moment. I stood up to move closer towards the headboard and a confused to hell Sanzo and Hakkai also moved to the side to let him sit between us. He hadn’t said a word until now.



I was quite amused when Royo lay down on Hakkai’s thighs. But this showed me nothing about who was the queen in this relationship. I tried to imagine me doing that with Sanzo and Sanzo lying down on my thighs and it worked either way. Hakkai started petting his head and from time to time Royo twisted it to be able to drink his coffee then.



“He keeps me together.”



I turned my head to look at my honey. His eyes were fixed on the cup and his pale fingers were sliding over the porcelain. I would have taken and kissed them if he hadn’t been that talkative now.



“He doesn’t hurt me, you asshole, he couldn’t…”



Right, I couldn’t do that. And if he would start a serious fight against me - I couldn’t raise a hand to hit him.

Maybe he didn’t want to be killed by me, and that was good, but I only would like him to kill me. Best, die while fucking him. Preferably get torn apart by the scripture while he’d tease my cock with it. I turned around to look at him. And I raised my hand and intended to grab his fingers to have some marble flesh in my hand. I loved the contrast of his white and my dark skin.



With a quick move he had grabbed mine and held it up in the air in front of him. The blond mane parted and eyes which immediately reminded me of the floating violet peered at me from down there. I was surprised because I thought his moves would be slow in his current state of health and mood. And he left me speechless because I didn’t know whether he had taken it in order to stop me from touching him now or whether he already wanted to play the smart ass bottom again.



I tried to figure out the purpose. But I failed. His eyes were fixed on me and they didn’t show me anything, not the slightest hint or sign of his mood. Only my honey was able to stare at me with eyes screaming with meaning and expression but at the same time hiding every emotion and therefore freaking me out that much. My fat honey bee, I’d keep calling him this and I already could imagine his scowling gaze which would go with that special name.



I took my lip between my teeth and held my breath. I couldn’t stand that uncertainty any longer and tried to pull back. But he didn’t let me. His gaze didn’t change. Somehow I had the impression he didn’t know himself what he wanted, how he should feel and what he should do about it. I should have taken advantage of the situation. That thought encouraged me to start another try so I pulled on my hand again, now ruder and with more force so that he nearly fell forward.



The next second I felt my mouth pressed against his chest and two heavy bodies on my own. Sanzo had gasped and cried out in pain when I had fallen on him and Royo and Hakkai had screamed as well. Although they were lying on me they continued to fight their stupid little teasing fight.



“Royo!” Hakkai shouted half in amusement and half in non-serious reprehension.



“Hey, get off me, you sick fuckers!”



While I tried to shove them off my body Sanzo kept twisting under me. I sensed that I was lying on his sore side but I couldn’t get off because they ignored me. I think Royo was groping him in a sudden attack of lust. Damn him.



“NOW GET OFF!!”



I shoved them aside so that they fell on the floor.



“Sanzo’s hurt! You have to watch out!”



They stared at me from down there. Hakkai cleared his throat and looked down in awkwardness. It seemed like they had forgotten that Sanzo was hurt and what the atmosphere was supposed to be like after this weird scene. But…I couldn’t really be angry with them, Sanzo and I were just the same. But the atmosphere was a bit more relaxed now though. I knelt down to be at the same level as Hakkai.



“Hakkai…”

He looked up. Now I didn’t know anymore what I had wanted to tell him. His disconcerted face let me forget the anger.

He closed his eyes and looked down again.



“I know that this was wrong. This is none of my business. But…I was so scared that something was wrong…that…I mean…”



He didn’t know either how to talk about it.



“I was just worried about him and it’s just…you know I’m not really used to that kind of…thing you practice. And Royo wanted to try it out with me and…”



“When I came into your room and you were tied to the bed?”



“…yeah. It…I thought…it was so unfamiliar and I can’t understand how this should turn me on and how…how I should know that he other loves me because he’s hurting me…”



He looked at me, he had asked me that. How do I know that Sanzo loves me when he hurts me? I don’t know. It’s that invisible magic which captures you, you know that you are loved by looking into his eyes and even when he was whipping me he…somehow did it so passionately that there was more to find behind the pain he caused me. You could tell from his acting that I wasn’t a stranger to him, that I meant something to him. That gleam in his eyes, those little smiles which escaped him which you wouldn’t notice if you didn’t watch him that attentively and his hands, so softly and gently touching the spots which they had wounded just seconds before… I fucking knew that he loved me.



“You can’t describe the feeling. You have to experience it, I’m sorry.”



Hakkai slightly shook his head in disbelief.



“No, you don’t understand, I-”



“Of course we do. If you aren’t made for this game you will never be able to enjoy it.”

I heard Sanzo talking from above. I couldn’t see him but I could tell from the way he spoke to us that he was straining himself too much.



“He couldn’t hurt me, you idiot. I want, sometimes I even have to force him to hurt me, I’m not one of those stupid idiots who hurt themselves to distract themselves from the pain-”



He stopped abruptly. Well, I had to think about what I had told him after he had given me the ring. It was true that he sometimes asked me to hurt him so that he would be able to forget the mental pain. He was one of them. But, to stick to the truth, that was the case once in two months, 95 percent of our sessions were held to satisfy our perverted minds, only a handful of our sessions took place to ease his psychical pain. Maybe he had realized that now as well.



“At least it’s not a habit. We do that because we enjoy it. We can come from the pain from the whip, we get hard because of the agonized cries of the other, we enjoy seeing the other bleeding and squirming… Hakkai, we are sick.”



Somehow it was funny. I clearly remembered a scene which, if I told him about it now, would surely destroy his concept.



“Hakkai…” I sung, “You can’t deny that you got hard while watching Sanzo with the ginger in his ass.”



I waited for the effect of my statement. His eyes widened. His cheeks were shining in a sweet rose colour and he was perplexed. Maybe he was just a top. Or someone who just enjoyed watching others getting hurt. Hakkai didn’t know that he had been carrying that inclination with him all the time. How should he have known about that, he had never had the chance to find out about it. But that night it had struck him.



I had to smile and laugh about that and reached out to pet his shoulder.



“That’s okay, Hakkai. I mean, I can understand you…oh well you are even more twisted than we are. Once you enjoy torturing Sanzo and the next moment you nearly kill me because we have fun…”



Apparently Sanzo didn’t like the way I talked to Hakkai; he had gripped my hair and now harshly pulled on it. I lifted my head to ease the pain but he lifted his hand as well. He was nearer to me now and I could hear him panting. Ah, I wanted to tease him. I had missed his growls and snarls. So I kept on talking.



“You got hard while watching him how he was twisting there, how he squirmed because of that intense pain in his ass and how truly desperate he looked.” I smiled at Hakkai while talking to show him that I didn’t want to reproach him but tease my honey.



“His desperate cries turned you on, right? He tried to get away from there but he couldn’t, that mighty monk…”



He had let go of my hair, I didn’t hear him anymore at my side. I stopped describing that scene and stretched my back and neck to get a look at him.

He was lying there, his head turned to the side and his hair covering his features so that I couldn’t tell what he felt now. I got up and bent over him to get his face into view. His eyes moved steadily, I realized his unease when he pressed his head into the pillow again. I hadn’t succeeded in teasing him, I had only succeeded in forcing him to recall that scene so detailed… again I had put my foot in his mouth.

I did that rather often the last time…much too often.



I gently touched his cheek and he threw his head around to stare at me in shock. But as he kept staring into my eyes his unease faded a bit.



“You haven’t overcome it yet?”



“I will never.”



This struck me hard. I was guilty of that bad memory and guilty of the existence itself. I turned my head to look at the sheets and sat down on the bed again.

I’d never forget about it either.

But to my surprise I felt my hand being squeezed and I didn’t have to look to the side to tell that it was Sanzo’s.



“But…maybe you can help me…forget it though.”



Not even this scene had separated us…he had suffered through hell and now he was lying there next to me again, tired, weak and exhausted. Because I had shot him. Because I had wanted to please him.



I got up and left the room. Sanzo called my name once but I didn’t turn around.

I had to be locked away so not to cause him more pain…shooting him, reminding him of that night…I sighed and felt my mood falling. It had been quite a while now that I had felt like that…but I knew that this mood wouldn’t let go of me so quickly now.



I headed for Sanzo’s room. The room where he had fallen ill, where he had fled to after I had raped his soul, the room in which he had nearly found his death.

When I opened the door and took a look at the bed I noticed that the sheets weren’t the same anymore. Hakkai must have changed them in the meantime. I closed the door behind me and looked around. Everything was covered with dust, we didn’t use that room anymore.

This was the room where insanity was locked up. Death, depression and lunacy.



The day we had taken Sanzo with us we had let him occupy this room. Now when I took a look at the bathroom of which the door was opened I could still see the blood although Hakkai had cleaned the room after that incident. Everything was white…pure innocent white of which you wouldn’t believe that it once had taken the colour of the blood.

The piece of metal had been lying on the floor, still wet and also dipped in that awful colour…

I bit down on my lower lip and quickly turned around to get rid of this picture.



Sanzo’s room…which secrets were hidden in these drawers. How many sighs were lying on these sheets and accompanying you when falling asleep. How many footprints must have been spread over the floor in his endless restlessness. How many tears were shed in the light of the lamp on the bedside table. How many seconds of gentle touch were keeping those sheets…this blanket…those walls…



I opened one of the drawers and took one of his cigarettes. It was just lying there; the packet was missing. No matter how many sighs this room had been filled with, it was one more now. While I lit my smoke I glanced at the drawer and something caught my attention. I bent down and carefully took it out. It was something wrapped up in kitchen foil. I unfolded the piece of foil and when I had put the last edge aside I made big eyes.



Short red strands of my hair, about 4 centimetres long had been wrapped up in the foil…still left from the time when I had used to cut my hair and constantly wore it at a certain length. I had promised to let it grow now so those strands must have been collected one year ago…



Maybe I had expected them to turn blond or brown after being cut off my head…weird but I didn’t believe that they’d stay as red as the hair on my head.

I put the foil with the strands on the table and sat down on the bed. While exhaling the smoke I smiled…he was so fucked up that he had even collected my hair…

The hair of one who wasn’t worth him. And collecting that person’s hair didn’t make it more precious either.

I started rummaging through the stuff in the drawer then to distract myself from those self-destructive thoughts.



And I found a little piece of paper.

On the paper there was him and me. Sketchy and far from looking beautiful: I was holding him in my arms and he was hitting me with the fan…I could remember drawing this picture like it had happened yesterday. It had been during our journey, in my drunkenness I had tried to show him how our relationship was looking like. The relationship I had believed in and that which Sanzo hadn’t dreamed of at these times. But he secretly must have dreamed of it, otherwise he wouldn’t have kept that stupid drawing.



Then I found another piece of paper, it was lying under some books about Buddhism. It was of the size of a normal sheet of paper and I unfolded it as well. But hell I was nosy this time…



I gulped when I saw that.

This was something I had absolutely not expected to see. And I had been of the opinion that Sanzo couldn’t draw…at least not like that.

I was staring at my own red eyes, tiny but still identifiable as mine. I was sitting on the bed, tall, thin and like a majesty and Sanzo was kneeling behind me and embracing me from behind, he was consoling me. But the fact which surprised me most was that he had drawn himself fatter than he actually was, so this picture must have been finished not long ago…



The colours seemed rather dark, many things which surrounded us were lying in the shadows so that they weren’t really nameable. His light hair and his beautiful violet eyes, lavender drops of water were brightly shining in different colours, just like my hair and eyes used to. While the surrounding and our bodies were coloured with watercolours our hair and eyes seemed to be coloured with something else. I wasn’t such an artist as to know with what.



In the right corner it said ‘Whatever you do, wherever you go, whenever you fall’ which let me sigh again. It wasn’t overstated to say that he loved me to distraction…that he was only living for and because of me. I swallowed audibly and carefully put the sheet of paper on the table. My hair seemed to shimmer in the light now while his was covered with a dark shadow because of a candle which was also standing on that table.

Not that it was so important as to mention that but it was red.



Where had Hakkai put that razorblade…

My gaze trailed off to the side and the big window. That windowsill where Sanzo had used to sit after his nightmare…in which I had been involved and told him that he wasn’t worth me. While it was just the contrary in reality.



Where did he keep those fucking razorblades now…

I let myself fall down on the bed. I wasn’t good for him. How much I tried to console him, serve him, please him and live for him I just managed to hurt him every time I tried to extraordinarily please him.

What. The fuck. Had I been thinking while shooting him…



I can tell you.

See the blood trickling from his shoulder, watch his face contorted with pain, enjoy his moans and cries, make him spill his cum, see him twisting in pain and please him with the bliss he‘d feel because of it.

I ought to be killed. Choked. And I felt panic rising in me when I realized how familiar those feelings and wishes were compared to these which had been running through my head during the ginger game.

For another time I had failed to control this sick side of mine…that primitive drive to kill and destroy. My thanatos should have been whipped once too.



Maybe I was the one who was insane. Sanzo compared to me seemed saner this moment than me, at least he was able to control his feelings when they should go into that direction. I was too weak, too blind and blinded as to realize these sick feelings because whenever I began to feel like this I didn’t even take notice of it, I just let myself fall into this awful pool of lust.



I was guilty of his pain.

Although I knew very well that Sanzo didn’t want me to think in this way, just like I didn’t want him to do this, I couldn’t stop myself from shoving myself deeper into this darkness.



Maybe we should stay like that for some time, he in my room and I in his until I’d finally succeed in controlling myself in such dangerous situations. This shouldn’t happen a third time…this should never happen again.

After my gaze had trailed off again my mind now gave in as well. I had left Sanzo there, disturbed and frightened because he had remembered that night again. If Hakkai could only console him, he surely would do this better than I would. And even if Sanzo could only be consoled with a loving kiss, Hakkai should give him this gift. He surely knew how to kiss him now.

I’d only hurt him more.



I kept lying there until four o’clock, my brain had gone numb and I let the pictures which seemed to come straight from my subconscious pass in front of my eyes.

At these four o’clock, Hakkai entered the room and I just saw him putting down the cup on the table.



“He’s crying.”



That dry and with guilt filled voice sounded unfamiliar, Hakkai always used to talk with a rather lively voice.

I turned my head to look at the headboard. I was guilty of his tears, who else. This had to end, otherwise he’d choke on these bad feelings caused by me. This was condemned to end. Minutes before I had thought I could smile at him again and take him into my arms and console him, but this had only been in my blind happiness. Hakkai was still standing in front of me and maybe examining my face.



“He…doesn’t feel well...”



Of course, why else should he cry if he didn’t feel bad. My honey…whom I dared to hurt every time I just looked at him…I had often decided to change, to think before opening my mouth and to think before acting, I had talked a lot and said many grave words about how to do it better but in the end I failed as well.



Now Hakkai silently turned and left me.

I let the coffee get cold. I didn’t feel like drinking this.

Until now I had been used to enjoying it together with Sanzo, now he wasn’t there. He had been right about not giving me this picture.



I watched the day giving in to the darkness, how its hand softly gripped the light and made it fade…forced it to die and flee to the exile of its spring.

This was going to stay like that. Sanzo wouldn’t get his ass up to head for the door of this room. Firstly, he was too weak and secondly, he wouldn’t. Just. Because.

He had Hakkai and Royo now who could take care of him and who surely cared for him in a better way than I had.

My precious honey…falling, dying because of a shitty half-breed like me…I should free him from this disgrace.



Where had he kept those goddamn razorblades.

When I turned my head I saw light shimmering through the slit of the door. If I just concentrated hard enough I could even hear the voices and the noise which must have come from the TV. I heard Hakkai talking…dully and muffled, of course, but the sound of his voice was easy to recognize, Royo now saying a word…



…and my honey…crying out. Not too loudly but I got the meaning of it. What had I done…why had I taken him with me…why had he let this be done to him…why hadn’t he shoved me away…for his own good…

I wasn’t worth the air I was breathing…my existence was an offence to this world, Sanzo surely wouldn’t regard it as that, he’d think that he was guilty of this whole thing which kept going wrong, but this wasn’t true. I was the sick psychopath.



Tears now were trickling down my cheeks, passing my earlobes and getting absorbed by my hair.

This was something close to the end.

I had finally realized that it was me who destroyed that relationship, who made him vulnerable, who weakened him and made it easier for him to give this up because it was so screwed. It wasn’t Sanzo who was guilty of this, he could show me very well that he loved me, he showed his feelings so open-heartedly although he tried to hide them so desperately, he…took the blame and took over the responsibility for everything.



What did I give him back? Love, affection, honest love but also pain. Deepest and also honest, primitive pain which satisfied me…I didn’t dare to keep thinking…deep pain which turned me on and satisfied me even more than the gentle touch I gave him.



He was the sky, the earth, the goddesses and the gods, everything which kept me alive. If I kept hurting this I’d die as well. And this point had come now, I was so silly that I had destroyed the trust…the love, the affection which had been built up under hard work…I had screwed this all up.

And when I remembered his face now, how pitiful he had looked when I had wanted to tease him by recalling that night…I couldn’t stand it any longer.

The world had won, this fate, this wrong fate had gripped me tightly and made me do these things.

I got up to drag myself to a darker corner of this room where I sat down, buried my head between my legs and chest and let go.



Heaven knows which words of despair I sent towards the dark sky these hours, hell knows which thoughts I dared to think.

How many sighs had those walls heard? Which desperate words stuck in this air…how much pain was painted on that ceiling.

Sanzo had nearly died there. I’d fulfil his wish and die for him. For his better life. For his happier life.





____________







The morning came much too quickly, I despised this sick and false light. Maybe because it allowed others to discover things more quickly…

Hakkai entered the room again…how could he befoul this holy ground on which Sanzo used to walk in his despair…

He just bent down and I heard the noise of ceramic hitting the floor.

Since that incident he didn’t dare to tell me to cheer up anymore, go to Sanzo and take him into his arms. Because he had come to realize that I did that only if I really wanted to do it and not just because he wanted me to do it or because he thought it was right to do that. He knew that this was none of his business.



He took the cup with the cold coffee with him and left without a word. I couldn’t even stand up to fetch his gun or something else lethal because I didn’t want to make his things dirty with my blood…some time ago I had laughed about his saying that I’d excuse for bleeding on his shirt while dying but now I understood the meaning behind this. Sanzo always talked with more words than necessary, he was used to covering his intentions and not talking about them as directly as I used to.



I thought hard about something to kill me, something apart from Sanzo’s things…I had wished so much for him to kill me but I wasn’t worthy of this any longer. In a second I was up and stumbling towards the bed. There I opened the drawer again and smiled when I found the packet of sleeping pills I had assumed to be there. At least it would be something of him which would make me turn cold and lifeless. My soul was aching for this empty feeling, it was filled with too many bad things than to miss this life.

I remembered his drawing while opening this packet…wherever I went, whatever I did, whenever I fall. This would be my final fall. I’d redeem him with that, he was bound to stay with me. As long as I was alive he’d suffer from this being alive as well because he would have killed himself already if I hadn’t lived anymore now.



We’d meet in hell.



I took out the piece of paper once again and looked at it. He had drawn himself with his eyes closed, such a consoling and loving look on his face that it hurt twice as much to think of him now…he had to console me because he was said to love me, he was obliged to console me because lovers just did that. I wanted to cut these bonds, to free him once again. I was his prison, the chain which held him at one single and same place for his whole life.



When my gaze fell down to look at everything he had put into this picture my right hand caught my eyes.

The shimmering violet seemed like a river, floating to attract my attention and scream at me, begging me to be freed. I’d have to take it off. This precious gift shouldn’t be taken with me into death.

My head was bent in the picture, I couldn’t see neither my eyes nor my mouth, I didn’t know what I looked like. This hadn’t seemed to matter for Sanzo, he had wanted to show me that he’d be there, if I smiled or looked sad didn’t really matter.



I put the paper down and searched for another white sheet of paper to drop him a line before finally falling asleep.

And I had really found one under his books. So I took the pen which had been lying on the table and determined to write what I thought I didn’t think much and just began writing.

Not much, only some lines.

I smiled and wiped over my eyes to wipe away the tears but one escaped my fingers and fell down.



I put the paper on his bed, stood up and took seven pills out of the packet. They’d hopefully turn me cold. Hopefully enough to exhale for the last time.

Then I gently shook my head and smiled again while feeling the tears running down my face. Descending, touching the holy ground. In my left hand I held the pills while trying to pull the ring over the knuckle.

He had said that I wouldn’t get it off so easily.



After some time of violent pulling and shoving my finger was so swollen that I could get it over the knuckle even less easily but I kept trying. This had to work, I couldn’t swallow those pills, not before I had put down his gift.



The door burst open, it hit the wall with an awful sound.

Sanzo was standing in the entrance, a totally blank expression on his face, his shoulder wrapped up in bloody bandages and his feet, bare, no pants, touching that ground again.

The sanctuary.

With that look he went towards me, slowly, tired, and his arm lifelessly hanging down while he kept holding his shoulder with his other hand.



He shut his eyes tightly for a second and opened them then again to see clearly.

I was afraid of him. Honestly.

When he had arrived there in front of me he lifted his hand to let it slide over my left one and make my fingers unclench the fist in which I kept holding the pills.

They fell down on the floor with some clattering.



Then he looked up.

The worst look I have ever seen.

Not comparable with the one when he was seriously depressed, not comparable with the one when he was furious because of me, not comparable with the one when he didn’t know anymore what to do.

Blank, so dead, so grey and lifeless.

Like he had died instead of me.



“You…fucking idiot,” he whispered in such a high voice that it cracked.



Then I saw his throat moving as he swallowed. His mouth twitched as he pressed his lips together but the next moment it changed and he smiled so beautifully and completely desperately like he rarely did, only once I had seen him doing this, and while grimacing he slowly lifted his hands until he looked like he was waiting for me to put handcuffs round those thin, scarred wrists.



Vulnerability, openness, willingness and readiness, mercy and so deep devotion were expressed by this posture and his desperate smile, such strong feelings and opinions that I felt tears trickling down my cheeks again.



“Take me…” he whispered and kept smiling while tears also started wetting his marble cheeks.



“Use me…”



He clenched his fingers, tightly, until his arms were trembling.



“Touch me, stroke me…kiss me, call my name…”



Little sighs escaped him when he paused. And the most I was able to do was standing there and watching him. Spellbound. Crushed, depressed because of so much love.



“…feel me…hurt me…”



I swallowed by reflex when he said that and looked down at the floor.



“Make me necessary…make me meaningful…give it back to me…”



I looked up again at these words.



“Give me back my meaning, my sense, my goddamn sense, my FUCKING MEANING IN LIFE!!”

He was shouting…so beautifully…



“Give it back, love me, hurt me and use me, abuse me, put me together, keep me going…just help me…”



I was straight staring into his eyes. The heavens which let me live through everything, the skies which let me live and die for them, the seas which washed over me filled me and took me back home…

I hadn’t been able to get that ring off. I was forced to stay. He forced me to do it and while it was him who did it I wasn’t forced anymore…I did it deliberately with a smile.



All his self-confidence had gathered in this gaze, his firm will, his stubbornness, his determination and all his fear to lose me were sent towards me and I couldn’t but give in again. He was so much stronger than the world, than that world’s decay…

As I stepped forward I felt the pills digging into the skin of the ball of my foot but they cracked when I let my weight fall down on them.

When I was standing in front of him, my chest centimetres away from his, he suddenly reached out, gripped my wrist and held it up besides him.



“These…are enough…these goddamn scars are enough and unnecessary…”, he whispered and kept his eyes fixed on mine, “don’t add more unnecessary ones to these…”



I was staring at him in relief, overwhelmed by his love which he had shown me so openly. He had talked with more words than necessary this time. That was a clear message.

He threw his head back and let it circle from his right shoulder to his left and I heard a cracking sound. Then he inhaled deeply and while doing this he was forced to sigh. After that he let go of my hand, leaned against my chest and buried his nails in my back so as to keep him up. I quickly spread my arms and embraced him and he let go.



“How dare you leave me behind in this world all alone, you sick fuck…”



I just kept my arms wound round his body and now laid my head on his.



“I’ve never given you this picture because I thought you wouldn’t need it. I thought you were stronger than I am. Please take it now and do with it what you like.”



He shifted and I got the hint and let go of him. With another deep breath he turned around and walked towards the bed. And I remembered my note too late than to hide it from him.

Sanzo saw the sheet and took it before I had even arrived at the bed. With those sad and tired eyes he read what I had written. In the meantime I had also reached the bed and now sat down but turned my back on him so that he couldn’t look up and meet my eyes with his disappointed and reproaching violet moons.



“I should hit you to death for that.” he said in a low but so serious voice that I began to feel scared again.

By turning my back on him I could avoid looking into his probably murderous eyes more easily, from the way he spoke to me I could just guess what they must have looked like.

I had been serious about what I had written and now he wanted to hit me because of this… I licked my lips and carefully moved backwards towards the headboard where I finally leaned back with closed eyes.

Sanzo had been sitting there all the time and he must have watched me.



Somehow it felt good to still be alive…what would I have done in hell…it would have been boring and worse than on earth where I still had my honey. The one who leaned back now as well so that he was lying on my chest. When I felt his soft hair rubbing against my skin I cursed myself. On the one hand I absolutely didn’t want to leave him alone there, to give him up but on the other hand I wanted to get away from him because I seemed to destroy him. Not he did that with me like he had said in that town, I was the one.



He was still the prick sometimes and still enjoyed his brutal and cruel side but what happened afterwards never let me doubt that he didn’t do that out of some strange love for me.

Now I also remembered one of his sentences some months ago when he had tried to console me. If I was a bit less selfless and he a bit less egoistic we’d be a very good matches…he had tried to change me, to get me to understand that I couldn’t keep on living with this attitude. But I hadn’t changed, as much as I had wanted to but it had been impossible. How could I care less about him? How could I not worry about him? He asked impossible things of me.



I liked him as he was, I didn’t mind his egoistic side so much, which actually rarely appeared on the surface of his behaviour. Maybe I really should watch out a bit more, minutes ago I had wanted to kill myself for him because I had thought that I’d only harm him instead of giving him love. But I would have left him alone then, this wasn’t fair. I should take care of my own problems and not escape by just killing myself, this was not the right solution. Maybe a solution but not the solution.



He was begging for my touch.

Wordlessly and silently.

And I gave him what he was longing for, I petted his head and put my hand on his chest, careful not to touch his left shoulder.



“How dare you leave me…”



I couldn’t suppress the feeling which suddenly spread and blocked my thinking processes…he was reprimanding me like his pet which had tried to escape and leave. If I had escaped he’d have hunted me down, hurt me, dragged me back home and put me on his bed again to look at me with desperate and sad eyes which I should never forget again. He must have felt hurt that I didn’t like living with him anymore.



He had turned his head so that his mouth was lying on my chest but he was still able to breathe through his nose. From time to time his tongue darted out to lick over my skin, and I could feel his nails digging into my flanks.

Like he wanted to prevent me from getting up, escaping and taking those pills from the floor. We both really urgently needed someone who’d help us, he had tried to kill himself and now I as well, this wasn’t normal. This love brought so many happy moments with it but it brought along nearly as many grave problems as those happy moments.



“I have tried to do that and now you as well. We’re even.”



He had lifted his head a bit to talk but now he had lain back down and he kissed my chest.

‘Even‘, this meant that something had ended and something new started. Like this before had never happened. It told to give way for new things, to leave that form of behaviour which had lead to that ‘even’ behind and try to discover a new way of it.



“Haven’t I told you that you’d never get it off again?”



“I…hadn’t believed you.”



“I said it would prevent you from leaving me.”



Talking with more words than necessary had started again but I loved him so much for this. Sometimes these words even seemed lovelier than direct ones from him.

I was so glad now that I had not taken those pills, that I was still able to hold him and console him. Actually, I had been the one who should have been supposed to be consoled but I drew so much pleasure and satisfaction from holding him that this was the way he could console and help me.



Away, my fucking mood had changed and I suddenly leaned forward to wind my arms round his shoulders, tightly squeezed and pressed my cheek against his face.

First, he made a muffled cry of surprise, then an angry growl followed because I squeezed him so heartedly.



He tried to spread his arms and shove me away but I only gripped him more tightly until he couldn’t move anymore at all. I had pressed my legs together to capture his between them and his hands were fixed by my arms and feet. My honey, that beautiful panther which had been hopelessly caught by the trap, growled again, more threatening and serious, but I didn’t let him intimidate me with that. Of course I had been careful with his shoulder, I was really concerned, I was doing my best not to squeeze it that tightly as the rest of him but he wasn’t able to move this arm anyway.



Gods…that sweet chubby mass of pleasurable flesh…I let go of his left side with the hurt shoulder to reach down and pinch his belly flesh. He jerked and gasped like one only would make such a sound when he was forced to stand and feel things he didn’t really like or did enjoy being done to him.



But I knew…I knew him so well…and I pinched him for a second time. He squirmed and launched into a new attempt of getting away from me. All of this sly and tricky attitude of mine broke through and I wanted to molest him, tease him and see his face when he desperately tried to prevent me from doing these things…



I didn’t feel uncomfortable about it this time. From now on I’d be able to distinguish between this need and that other need which urged me to hurt and see blood to feel satisfied. Not the need to hurt and see blood to also satisfy him but the one which became too dangerous for both of us. I’d never let this totally wrong feeling take control of me again, never think about it again. I hoped that my subconscious had got the hint.



Another desperate ‘NNNH!’ escaped his lips when I had gripped a hand full of his belly and kneaded it. This was what I wanted, this was perfect.

I sent a lusty moan towards his ear and then whispered while squeezing him tightly again: “This is…what I have been longing for…what I love, what I adore…”

My bad mood had been painted over with lust. Dark and black like our souls, the force which had let me despair now turned me on and gave me the courage and ruthlessness to tease him like that.



When I had squeezed him so tightly again he had straightened his back and thrown his head back to stand that pain more easily. The look on his face destroyed the last bit of self-control and I pushed my head forward and bit his neck.

A gurgling cry left him and I felt the thrills, caused by this, chasing up and down my spine. He wanted this so much, he fucking enjoyed it behind the facade of unwillingness. That special way of non-con had always been appealing, begged me to finally be tried out. And there was no real problem because I knew exactly what he liked and disliked. If there were such things at all…things he completely disgusted.



Anyway he was perfect for this game, he could look so fragile and innocent and shy that you felt doubly turned on by his look. Yeah, he could appear as shy if he wanted to. And this was such a fucking teaser, just inviting you to grope and molest him…



“Give me the shy victim, Sanzo…” I breathed into his ear and let him go. He waited for another second, then he leaned down on his right hand, presented me his ass in the naughtiest way possible and then, to top this marvellous view, turned his head to peer at me with big, shy eyes.

Just this sight made my cock twitch in a delicate way and a sudden sting of lust made me sit up and bite into his ass cheek.

While I held his flank with one hand I reached forward to cup his balls and when I touched his ass and then his cock he jerked and gasped desperately.



I bit down harder and he squirmed to get rid of this uncomfortable pain in the ass, namely me. I let him go and he twisted in my grip and finally freed himself from it. In a second he had got up and now stood in front of the bed, holding his left shoulder while keeping them both bent, his feet pressed together like he wanted to keep himself up by not spreading them.

The face he made in addition to that let me swallow by reflex: his mouth was half-open, his head was bent so that he had to stare at me from down there but the look which had claimed his eyes was one of the sexiest I have ever seen on him.

Fearful, submissive and so shy eyes were fixed on me, trying to follow every little move I made to be able to flee if it became necessary.



Submissive eyes were more than rare in Sanzo’s case. I always used to look at him like that when I couldn’t hide that honest devotion anymore but Sanzo had himself under very tight control, his gaze barely slipped when he didn’t want it to.

Then he closed his eyes and turned his head to the side while also turning his body a bit. He opened them again and stared at the floor with a scared expression.

I clenched the sheets while feeling another wave of pleasure making my cock twitch.



Now he lifted his head, let go of his shoulder and while still keeping his eyes closed he rubbed his palm against his nipple. But he never let go of this shy innocent look on his face…

I could see his ribcage moving up and down, he was panting now but trying to not make any sound.

His hand slid down his chest, slowly, so awfully teasingly, I couldn’t have done it in a better fashion. While doing this he moved his body like a snake, his skin slid over his bones and his all so loved additional skin and fat caused wrinkles while he had bent his shoulder down and formed a slight C for a moment.



I swallowed again and felt my breathing rhythm speeding up. His hand had reached his pubic hair now, he ran his fingers through it and pulled on the short, light hair. His left hand had been wound round his belly which added perfectly to that whole look and attitude and now he gripped his flesh more tightly and moaned.



I bet I’d have come just from looking at him. Watching his look on his face, imagining his hands doing this with me, watching him moaning and squirming under his own touch…I just had to think in this dirty language and I felt horny.



He stroked the hair and wound it round his fingers to let go of it then again. With a moan he gripped his balls and pulled them up a bit so that I could see what he was doing with them. With his thumb he rubbed his nuts, then he squeezed so tightly that he had to bend down and groan loudly and desperately.

This was some real mind fuck, he knew so well how to push the buttons to get me desperate and hard.



When his hand left his sore balls and closed over his hard length he sunk down on his knees with tightly shut eyes and an open mouth to release a silent moan.

I shifted and rubbed my foot against the sheets to ease that pressure which had built up in me. He slowly lifted his head and while doing this he slightly opened his eyes to send another luscious look towards me.



Then he started.

Furiously rubbing his cock, quickly moving his hand up and down and bending his back so much that his hair nearly touched the floor. A series of moans and gasps left his mouth and only now I realized that I was making the same sounds; my hand had slid down on its own and now was also pumping my dick. I squeezed unwillingly tightly and bent forward as well.



His head came into sight again and that shy look had disappeared, it had been replaced with an aroused and longing one which seemed to pierce me now. Our cries mixed and it was one constant stream of groans which shook these walls of desperation and sealed those bad feelings forever.

I quickly felt my release close. He had turned me on so much hat I hadn’t even needed a minute to feel ready for the orgasm but Sanzo seemed to needed some more time to get to his sweet moment.



While holding my dick I quickly got up, fell off the bed somehow and staggered towards him.

He had watched me with the same longing eyes as before and when I arrived at him I pressed my erection against his and we both moaned and clenched the others back. I rocked forward and hit the tip of his hard member and one moment later I felt it pouring from and over my cock…



While jerking and coming hard we shared a kiss, adapted to the way in which we had chosen to come, hard, rough and demanding.

I tasted blood, his lip had burst under a painful moan of him and now he was embracing me tightly. His shoulder didn’t seem to hurt anymore or he had just forgotten it in the heat of this battle.

When I felt close to collapsing I groaned and let my head fall on his shoulder while still moving my pelvis back and forth; every time touching his well to imitate that pleasurable action which seemed to let me feel even more bliss during my orgasm in this way.



So when I had spilt my last drop I let myself fall on his body and he caught me.

He always caught me.

I was still panting and I felt so spent that I couldn’t have got up now if he had ordered me to. I also felt his breath on my back, he was panting too.



I’d never think thoughts like these again. From now on I’d please myself with the thought that only one would have the right to decide about my death. From now on it should be Sanzo who’d once lift the gun, speak the words to wake the scriptures and maybe choke me with his own hands. I’d never start thinking about dying on my own again.

He had replaced my reason and chained my mind up; I really didn’t need to think for myself anymore.



“Sanzo…”



A mumbled ‘mh’ affirmed me of his attention.



“You know that…I’m yours…that I’m just living, maybe still living because of you so…you’ve given me this new life and you should know that you…can feel free to take it from me whenever you think it’s necessary; you don’t have to talk about the reason for this, I will accept it, whatever reason this should be…so…you should know that you can always-”



I tensed up, he had gripped my back so tightly that it hurt too much than to continue talking about the things he obviously wanted to stay unsaid.



“Sanzo, that you can always come to me an-aaah”



I had to swallow and bend forward to ease that pain, by now he had dug his nails into my flesh and still tried to stop me from talking so honestly about my decision. But as much as he’d try to keep me from talking like that I was thinking in this way. My life was his, the ring was a chain of which he held the other end in his hand, he just had to pull on it to choke me with it. And I meant it. I’d smile when he’d press the gun at my temple.



“You can just come to me and kill me if you wish that”, I gasped and felt him pushing his fingers between my ribs. Although he refused those words and although he’d never come to me and do that I had to tell him, I had to give up my own personality once again and let him dominate over me to keep myself from deeper pain.



He suddenly jerked and his chest was pressed against mine while he bent his head. Just then he let go of my back and his left hand sunk down while his right clutched at the other shoulder.



“Don’t you…want to be healed by Hakkai, wouldn’t it be better to-”



“NO!!” he screamed and clenched his teeth.



Now whenever I’d catch a glimpse of that scar I’d be reminded of this scene then. If he wanted me to remember then I’d bear it, it was my fault anyway.

He shifted and moved back a bit to bend down.

And he had got up though. When I had expected him to be dead for some more days he had got up just to prevent me from more nonsense. He had left the bed for me, he had left it for my sake because he must have known what I had intended to do.



“I said I want it to scar...” he whined, tortured by the pangs.



“You…never said…”



“Then I’ve just thought of that.” he hissed while trying to hide the pain in his voice.



“I’m sure Hakkai knows a method how to heal it and still…still let that scar be visible.”



When the hissing stopped he looked up at me again. Now he was panting and wet from the sweat again but this let him appear even stronger.

That weak body, hurt and wounded, acting up with the force of deepest sympathy suddenly seemed indestructible, whatever you did, it never would give in if the mind, living in that rock, didn’t want it to give in.

And I was a pathetic nothing, compared to him. It seemed like we had switched our roles and I was the one with the vulnerable body…



“No,“ he said firmly, once again, “I said ’No’.”



“O-okay…” I stuttered and peered down at the floor.



And just when I had gathered enough courage as to look up again I jerked and felt my heart stop beating at that sound: the door had opened and something had fallen on the floor. When I felt ready to move again I turned around and found Hakkai lying on Royo, both staring at us with wide eyes. But Royo’s expression immediately changed and he smiled at us.



“Ah…sorry…”



“GODS YOU ARE SUCH A SICK BUNCH OF IDIOTS, YOU TWO!!” I shouted in sudden rage which had built up during that nasty smile of Royo.

They both blinked and then Hakkai finally moved to get up and pull Royo up as well. And just when I turned my head to look at Sanzo I caught his shins, walking towards me and then passing me. So I turned around again to follow him with my eyes while he walked towards Hakkai and Royo.

He stopped in front of Hakkai, bent his head and just touched Hakkai‘s shoulder with his front.



And I couldn’t help but stare at them wide-eyed.

Had I pissed him off with my honesty again? Why…what for? Why did he move so close to Hakkai? NOW, in THIS situation?!

Shock, caused by a sudden involuntary thought about him leaving me, let me swallow hard.



“Could you…fuck…give me some painkillers…”



Hakkai stared down at him, wondering about him doing this as well.



“…yeah, sure…but you know I can also heal you and at the same time let the scar still be visible…as Gojyo had said.”



He quickly glanced at me like he was now even more afraid of me than of Sanzo.



“I can’t stand it anymore,” Sanzo hissed, “I wish I could but I’m dying…”



Now he turned around and plodded back towards me and when he had arrived there he knelt down and took my face into his hand. He stared into my eyes, softly and so full of love.



“Are you also fine with that…if I do that…?”



Had he asked me? Had he asked me whether he was allowed to let this be done to him?



“Of course…” I said, confused, “Do whatever you think is right, honey”



I tried to smile at him and only succeeded when he supported me with his own beautiful smile. Then he leaned closer and kissed my upper lip.

And he woke me again. Just such little gestures with so much meaning let me know what I was living for. Why.

Why I was still there, what my sense and function was, and what I’d always remain. His eyes narrowed while he still smiled and this made him look like a god. Knowing everything, sensing the slightest change of your feelings and just reading your heart.



He got up and I as well. I’d accompany him back into our room, I wouldn’t leave him alone with just Hakkai and Royo again. Because he had just shortened the length of the chain, I was forced to follow him. And slowly I began to realize that he was so much more experienced than I was. Although I had fucked hundreds of women and he had just always jerked off on his own he knew so much more about the delicate situation of love. He knew how to manipulate me and how to make me do just the things he wanted me to.



I took his hand and lead him out of that room. What worried me a bit was that he couldn’t even walk properly, he plodded across the aisle with that bent back and stumbled from time to time but I always caught him.

Back in our room I immediately felt the difference: the smell of smoke, the whispering of the wind was audible there and the atmosphere which greeted me seemed a so much more agreeable one than in his room which kept that hostile aura.



I helped him lying down and then covered him with the blanket. And before Hakkai and Royo could come and join us as well I bent down to whisper into his ear.



“Honey…I got a better idea…”



“What?”



“You keep lying there and I’ll serve you. You don’t have to get up anymore, you don’t even need to move anymore, I’ll do everything you tell me to.”



He seemed to think about it for a moment, then he lifted his head and gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek.



“Alright.”



I smiled at him and then left him there to look for Hakkai. He was waiting outside with Royo, talking about something but when I had reached them they were already waiting for me to say something.



“Could you just bandage his wound? I promise, he won’t get up and unnecessarily strain himself anymore.”



He shyly smiled and nodded. So this was a really fucking good compromise: with that we had reached everything we wanted, Sanzo got his bed rest, I had got me a new ‘I’m-living-for-this’ and Hakkai could take care of his wound.



Royo smiled and pushed Hakkai forward.



“Fine, then let’s go”



“Oooh no, you’ll wait outside.” I told him and kept blocking his way with my body so that only Hakkai could enter.



“But, what…”



In the meantime Hakkai had gone to fetch the first aid box once again.



“And this is what I get for bringing you together again? That’s hell way unfair…” he muttered.



“Oh you little rabbit, you just want to see my honey bee naked, don’t you, that’s why you insist on watching Hakkai doing this.” I sneered.

I tried to tease him as much as possible with this and it worked, his face changed and he looked reluctant. When he was about to open his mouth again I leaned closer and kissed him on his lips. A bit longer and a bit too passionate for a hasty kiss.

I drew back and petted his cheek then.



“This is what you get for bringing us together again.”



Royo was stunned. He surely hadn’t expected something like this but that was just the right thing, I couldn’t thank him enough for relieving the tension between us once again.

If Sanzo found out about that he’d drown me. He’d manage to drown that water sprite, I was sure that he was capable of this.

Hakkai came back now with some bandages and an ointment in his hands and when he found Royo staring at me, out of his mind, almost disturbed, he looked at me. And I just smirked at him and joined Sanzo.



After some moments Hakkai also joined us and sat down next to Sanzo. He tugged on the bandages, carefully, but Sanzo squirmed while trying to suppress a moan.

I swallowed and looked down, this didn’t turn me on. When he gasped again I looked up though; Hakkai had just pulled the red-coloured pieces of textile away and now I could see his wound, the skin around it was red like fire. We should have asked Hakkai to help us a long time ago, he knew how to prevent the worst and still give us what we wanted.



He sighed and stood up to go to the bathroom.

While he was away I looked at Sanzo. He had bent his head and I heard him panting when his right hand wandered up to his shoulder again but I grabbed it and prevented him from touching his wound like that. He looked up now as well and stared at me with an expression which told me of his exhaustion.

Actually I had never experienced anything like this. Whenever I had been hurt in a battle Hakkai had come to straight heal me so I’ve never felt any pain like this.



“You little sissy…” I whispered, took his face into my hands and kissed him. And he kissed back, harshly and intensely, longing for more of me than just my lips and hands which gently stroked his cheeks.

I drew back from him and rubbed my forehead against his.



“Sanzo, if this hurts too much then please let him heal you…you don’t have to stand that just because of an idiot like me.”



His breath hit my face and when he shifted a bit he was nearly talking into my mouth.



“Every time I move I can feel you.”



I was baffled because of this and didn’t have anything to reply with. Another wave of pain must have hit him because he shuddered and jerked forward with his head so that I practically kissed him again.

When I heard the door of the bathroom being opened I let go of him and he leaned back. Hakkai had got him a little bowl with water in it and a piece of cloth. He wetted it and then carefully wiped over the wound to clean him from the blood which had already dried up on his skin.

Sanzo whined when he came closer to the hole in his flesh and Hakkai stopped immediately.



“As much as it hurts, Sanzo, but it’s necessary, I’m sorry.”



I was slightly perplexed again, hours before he had been so aggressive and hostile towards me and even Sanzo and now he was just…Hakkai again. On the other side I shouldn’t have wondered about it that much, Hakkai would have been a real exception if he didn’t have two sides living in him as well. Everyone of us just had them, some were controlled by a special one for their life long and others were suffering from the change of these personalities once a week.

And Sanzo maybe once a day.



Hakkai put the cloth in the water to clean it from the blood, then he continued wiping over his chest and shoulder.

It took him nearly 10 minutes to finish, because he did it so carefully and slowly and then because Sanzo cried out so often and he had to stop.

Now Sanzo was lying there slackly, his head bent back and his hand in mine. I had grabbed it when he had started whining again.



“Well,” he sighed, “I think it’s over now. I’ll just put that ointment on it….”



So he did that and when he just put a safety pin through the fabric to prevent it from slipping and dissolving Sanzo seized my hand. After Hakkai had poured the red water down the drain in the bathroom he sat down on the bed again. And he immediately got up again when he felt the uncomfortable silence which told him that we wanted to be alone now.

He smiled.

The first time since yesterday that he really smiled just like he had always done it when he had looked at us.



“I think I’ll make coffee then.”



And everything was back to normal. The old everyday life had caught us up again, everything seemed like before again.

Sometimes I began to hate that way of life, always the same, but now I knew that it couldn’t have been better. I just had to get to know the other side of this to honestly miss my old rut.



“Sanzo…what do you think about mayonnaise?”



He opened his eyes and lifted his head.



“What?”



I smirked and he needed some seconds to come behind it, though. But then he sighed, pushed the blanket down with his right hand and grabbed his belly.



“Isn’t his enough already?” he asked, totally annoyed.



I leaned forward, put my hand on his arm and sneaked down his forearm until I held his flesh in my hand as well. And I pinched it until he jerked away from me.



“Slightlyyy…not,” I commented on this.



“You’d have also said that if I looked like a-”



“Honey bee,” I sung and smirked, “Yeah, like a fat honey bee…”



“Gods I hate it when you’re so limitlessly stupid!” he shouted in annoyance and tried to sit up to hit me but I gripped his hand and made him lie down again.



“Don’t move around like that, honey…it won’t do you any good.”



I moved closer until our noses touched.



“If you want me to get hurt then tell me, I’ll take care of it.”



He looked at me like he tried to work on what I had said, like he tried to get the meaning out of my words but they were obvious, he just had to look at them like I had said them. Because I wasn’t a man of such high standards like he was that I could have covered the meaning in them by talking the way Sanzo did.



And Sanzo let my thoughts crawl back into the dark corner of my brain again.



“Put on the high heels together with my latex stockings and my garter belt...”



He was holding my head in place by firmly gripping my hair and he was just whispering, nearly hissing…commanding and demanding.



“Then take the wet look skirt with the buckles; keep in mind that I’ll kill you if you dare put on a slip. Then take the long gloves, the collar, and tie your hair back, I only want to see some strands framing your face. Next, put on the black top, you know, the same I got as well, then take my cosmetics and paint your eyes black, a deep black, as much as possible and as good as you can do it, try hard. And take the gag.”



I swallowed and tried hard to keep all these instructions in mind. He let go of me, lay down and closed his eyes.

So I got up and went to the cupboard where we kept those things, took the top, the skirt, the tights and boots, but when I wanted to take the gloves I was unsure about it. I dropped the things on a chair, took his long leather gloves and the other long latex gloves which belonged to both of us and with that started walking towards him.

He didn’t open his eyes when I knelt down.



“Sanzo…I’m sorry…but….which gloves did you mean, there are two of them and I…”



He had opened his eyes, turned his head and now stared at me like he wanted to kill me.



“I didn’t know…which to take…”



I was stunned at how intimidated and shy I sounded although I had thought I’d ask him that so self-confidently that he’d smile at me. He reached down, took his and put them on the bedside table under a sharp hiss. Then he silently told me to get up and fucking dressed and I boggled at his harsh words and quickly left him.

So I took the other long gloves, the rest of the clothes and his cosmetics and left the room.



And to my bad luck Hakkai and Royo were claiming the couch for them so I’d have company while getting dressed. But the moment I saw them my self-confidence broke through the floor and I turned on my heels to head for their room and get the things Sanzo had ordered me to do done.



“Hey, Gojyo! Where are you fleeing to?”



I stopped immediately and froze. They had noticed. So I just turned my head to smile at them and tell them the truth.



“To your room, you’re massively occupying the living room.”



“But there’s no need, there’s plenty of place here,” I saw Royo smirking and invitingly hitting the cushion next to him.



I sighed and put the things down on the armchair.



“Are you going out?” Hakkai asked me. But just out of interest, there was no malice in it.



“Yeah, going out to my honey,” I replied while already taking off my pants.



I dropped them on the chair and pulled down my boxers. At these times I wore them because, I had to admit, from time to time I was a little sissy, liking it cosy and comfy also down there. And we had autumn and normally it was rather cold in there because we still didn’t have any central heating or something like that.

Maybe we should install a fireplace somewhere, some romantic shit and convenience at the same time.



“Turn the music louder…” Royo said teasingly and nudged Hakkai who looked away with an embarrassed smile.



“You sick little rat,” I grumbled while taking the tights.



“Oh come on, other people have to pay for something like that…” he said teasingly.



But I ignored him and brushed over the weird fabric.

I had never worn anything like that and it felt surprisingly good when I rolled them up to my thighs. After fixing them there with the garter belt I took the skirt and didn’t miss the sheepish laugh which escaped Royo.



“Shut up…just wait.”



After 5 minutes I had finished with dressing up and just intended to sit down and start painting my face. When I took the eyeliner and wanted to make the first line I felt Hakkai’s hand on mine and I looked up.



“Wait a second…”



He took the powder and first powdered my whole face, then he took the eye shadow.



“Hakkai, where…”



“You know,” he smiled, “Kanaan loved to use these things as well…”



While Hakkai drew on my face I noticed Royo kneeling down beside me and watching him attentively.

And after closing my eyes, opening them, closing and opening for several times he was done and took the mirror to hold it up in front of my face.



“It’s perfect.”



Hakkai smiled at me and…somehow didn’t show any intention to disappear from there.



“Thank you…now, uh… would you let me get up?”



Royo was sitting on my thighs, smirking and staring at me and Hakkai had put the mirror down and now also leaned on my thighs and looked up from there. I jerked when I felt his hand on my skin just between the tights and the garter belt, and with awe I felt it wandering up there.



“You haven’t put on any underwear, have you…” Royo said with his so rotten smirk.



I grabbed his hand and tried to defend myself from four hands now.



“He said he’d kill me if I dared to put on something under the skirt,” I gasped, “Fucking let go of me!!”



I shoved them aside, Royo fell back and hit the floor and Hakkai slipped from my thighs and I quickly got up so that they couldn’t launch another attack.

Shit but I had forgotten about the gag…I carefully opened the door and tiptoed to the cupboard to fetch that thing. Sanzo pretended not taking any notice of me. Or, to put it simply, he openly ignored me.

Now a sudden thought struck me, I just took it and went to he bed with it. There I sat down so that my head was lying on the sheets just in front of his hips.



He opened his eyes and turned his head but I kept staring at the humps the blanket formed; I wasn’t so courageous as to look into his eyes when he behaved like this. Under another suppressed gasp he sat up, took the gag I had put down and lifted my face with his hands. Without the slightest hint of any emotion he stared at me while fastening the ends of the strings with a knot.

Then he leaned back, closed his eyes for a moment and finally told me to get up. I did it and he eyed me, let his gaze ascend from my feet which stuck in the high heels up my covered legs and further up over my chest and finally my face.



“On your knees”



I swallowed at that because it felt so good…so weird but so good…

So I knelt down and put my hands on the floor in front of me and from down there I stared up at him.

A slave, deprived of his reason, his thoughts and his feelings but in return being filled with his thoughts, his likes and dislikes, his ideas and hopes and his love.



And a master, firmly glaring at his property, knowing exactly what he wants and what to do and being in total control of his pet, giving it shelter and taking care of it. I liked it so much to be his pet, to be forced to shut up and do what he told me…



“Come closer”



I cast my eyes down, slowly crawled closer and sat down in front of the bed like before, still keeping my head bent. Now I felt him doing something with my hair and shortly after that it fell over my shoulders. From the very beginning on I had thought that I would look better with my hair spread like that but I didn’t want to suggest anything when he had his own picture of me in his mind.



His hands disappeared from there and he took some strands. I heard him sighing, then I closed my eyes when I felt his loving touch on my head.

He moved closer now until he was nearly lying on the edge of the bed.



“Lie down”



I shifted, stretched my back and lay my head down on his thighs while leaving my hands down there. He continued stroking my head and I let my gaze slide over his naked skin; he had pushed down the blanket while I had been dressing up.

His pubic hair caught my eyes and I lifted my eyelids as much as possible to look at it. While glancing at this I noticed his cock, it was just limply hanging down. And I was surprised at that.



Normally when he played such games he was hard because he could dominate over me and tell me what to do, command me and order me around, be my queen with me as her slave, but now…he hadn’t got aroused by this.

Was I guilty of this? He surely had wanted to get hard when he had told me to put on these things…had I failed so miserably to turn him on? A sting in my heart let me bend my head again. Wasn’t I enough anymore to arouse him…had I done something wrong?



I lifted my head all of a sudden and his hand fell down. He was staring at me with narrow eyes so as to tell me to lie down again because he had said nothing about that. But when he saw my eyes, realized what lay behind my reluctance his features softened.

I stared at him to keep his attention on me, then, as much as I tried not to do it, my eyes moved and I glanced, without ever wanting it, at his pelvis for a second, then they returned and I looked at him with desperate eyes again.



Sanzo pushed himself up a bit to look at what I had looked at but he didn’t know what I had meant. So I lifted my hand, and stared at him with big and begging eyes so as to beg for the permission to do that, and when he didn’t say anything I brought them up to the bed and lightly brushed over his pubic hair and over his cock while keeping my eyes fixed on his. Then I quickly put them down again.



Once again he glanced at that spot, then sat back and pushed my head down again. I was confused, had he understood now or had he mistaken me? Again he curled my hair round his fingers and petted my head.



“Idiot,” he said softly but almost monotonously and now stroked my head a bit less slowly but in an even lovelier way.



“Don’t you get it.”



Get what…what?

His thumb stroked my cheek and I snuggled up to his thighs. Then I heard someone coming into the room and after some more moments a clinking sound but I knew what that was, Hakkai had put the cups with the coffee down.



“Thanks,” Sanzo said calmly, “Thank you very much but Gojyo doesn’t want to drink coffee now.”



I couldn’t see any of them, I was lying there in a way which only let me see Sanzo’s pelvis and his belly. And I didn’t want to turn around because Sanzo didn’t want me to.

Now that I could feel Hakkai’s look on my back I tried to press my head even more firmly against Sanzo’s thigh to stay there because I somehow got the feeling that he’d touch me and drag me away from him. At least his presence was not welcomed, it had been so wonderful just seconds ago and now he was standing there and stepping between Sanzo and me.



“I said he doesn’t want it,” Sanzo said again, red venom in his voice.



“I’m sorry,” I heard Hakkai saying and then turning and leaving the room.



And his hand was back on my head again, slowly stroking me again. And I still hadn’t got it.

I tried to find out what he meant by that, what he meant by saying only this and having chosen these words to explain it to me but as I had already said, I was a dumb man, not able to cover anything and therefore not able to understand all of these hidden messages either.



“My, you don’t understand, do you…”



No, I didn’t. Sorry.

If I had been able to talk I’d have apologized but instead of that I rubbed my head against his skin to show him that I was sorry for this.

My eyes went wide when I felt his lips on my forehead, he had bent down and kissed me. I tried to frown again to catch his eyes but I only got to see his mouth…

…half open…pale lips framing deep black with some touch of white between it…letting me moan and remember how they felt on my skin…

Then he closed his mouth and tilted his head a bit before he leaned back again to take his coffee.



Hakkai had taken mine with him, Royo would drink it now. What a pity. I really would have enjoyed my coffee now because I hadn’t had any for days again and now I had to do without while imagining Sanzo drinking it.

Because I hadn’t wanted to drink it. This gave me a warm feeling inside though, I think it was even more pleasing than fucking coffee now.



Sanzo’s left hand was lying at his side, he hadn’t moved it at all but now I saw him moving it, he lifted it carefully and it disappeared above my eyes. Again he petted my head but with his left hand and just a bit but still giving me his touch.



Maybe there was something like happiness. I clearly remembered asking him about it after that night. And he had only been able to tell me about his. But how should you know what makes others happy. Maybe he had known it and just been unable to explain it to me because now I couldn’t have explained either what made Sanzo happy. I just knew what I had to do in order to see him pleased.



Now he had finished his coffee and put the cup on the wooden plate. His left hand disappeared and was replaced by his right one.



“What do you feel…,” he asked me monotonously like he was thinking of different things while saying this.



It was easy to tell him what I felt; there was not much, just one thing filling me and being enough as to let me think of it for days. It wasn’t that beauty which depressed me like I had told him, it was only beauty without any compromises.

People were beautiful, smiles could be beautiful and landscapes could look beautiful but this situation was also beautiful. It contained my own description of beauty and only Sanzo was responsible for this. He was the center, radiating it with his calmness, personified.



This was one of the moments when I felt that I was still only living because of him, where I became conscious of how much he meant to me and when I became aware of how much he was giving me without reaching out, holding his hand in front of me and looking at me. He gave me so much by just being there and accepting me, by consoling me in my eternal silent despair and by showing so much care for me when just lying there and stroking my head.



It was even more marvellous than a kiss, whether you had your eyes closed or watched the other kissing as well, this was also a moment of closeness and intimacy, maybe not visible for the others but the more obvious for us.

I couldn’t talk with and to him and though I was talking all the time, affirming him of how good that felt, how satisfying it was and how much I’d miss it if he left me.

That afternoon could have lasted forever, I wouldn’t have complained about it. His hand had wandered down and now stroked my neck.



And all of a sudden I felt so happy that I started crying.

I was stunned at this, that I had just started crying because of nothing.

Or because of so much. I buried my head between his thighs. His hand followed my moves in silence and then continued brushing over my skin so pleasingly when I had calmed. He didn’t say anything about my tears.

Bliss like I had rarely felt it filled my brain; not even the bliss during our sex was so intense…nothing was comparable with that.



I cried in silence, once in a while sniffing in that blissful misery. His affectionate touch became even more loving and caring, he brushed over my skin so slowly and carefully that I was tempted to lift my hand and close it tightly around his to stop him from penetrating my mind so mercilessly and therefore making me feel so weak.



When I couldn’t resist that temptation anymore I lifted my left hand and gripped his thigh, I couldn’t lie there like that any longer, I just craved for touching and feeling him. Although I wore those gloves I could feel him very well, it was like a second skin.

Now I felt his hand on my front, lightly brushing over it until he had reached my eyes which he also shortly covered and then kept descending further down until he touched my lips. There, he stopped and rubbed his thumb against my lip. I was still crying and when he had moved his fingers over my eyes I had wetted them, now I felt that wet little trail across my face, from my eyes down to my lips.



I wholly buried my face in his flesh and gripped his hand. And he still didn’t say anything. While giving vent to my feelings which had pressed me down I seized his fingers. Cold.

If I had been able to talk now I would have told him how much I loved him, how precious he had always been to me and still was and how happy I felt when being allowed to be with him like that.

But I was gagged. I could only talk with my eyes, because I was not even allowed to raise my head and look at him.



“Get up”



I swallowed. I wasn’t able to get up, I wasn’t ready yet to leave his warmth and go back to the coldness which lay outside that bed.

But I had to comply. So I lifted my head, let my hair cover my eyes and got up.

I took a step back then and tilted my head to try to hide my contorted face from him. Hit by that denial I closed my eyes in defeat and still felt tears trickling down my cheeks.



“Lie down”



I opened them again and found him staring at me. He had moved to the side so that there was some space between him and the edge of the bed. What did he mean, that I should lie down near him? I was afraid that I’d do something wrong so I just kept standing there until he’d tell me what to do. When he saw that I hadn’t quite understood he rubbed his eyes and sighed.



“There…”



With that he skimmed over the sheets at his right side and I immediately moved to lie down before he could think of something else.

I lay down slowly and carefully, my ass and belly on the sheets and my chest and head almost on Sanzo’s ribcage. When I felt him touching my cheek again I felt courageous enough as to bend my legs and snuggle up to him and he allowed it without any complaint or other demand.



I was even so brave as to stretch my neck then and rub my nose against his ribs…he let go of my cheek and put his arm round my body from behind so that I was lying on his arm but in a way that he still could move his wrist and stroke my chest.



I bet Hakkai and Royo would never come so close. Although Royo seemed to have potential he’d never be able to hold Hakkai like this.

Because all he knew about was either sex or love. And it surely wasn’t sex we were doing but neither love. And this was what he’d never understand if he didn’t try hard to.

This wasn’t love I was feeling and Sanzo must have felt the same. This was more than love, those were such pure and simple actions and feelings, more innocent and unspoiled than love.



Because love always implied something, it demanded that you were kissing, holding hands, looking into someone’s eyes, whatever, just showing the other with actions what you felt for him.

And this thing we were doing was far beyond that step. It needed silence and nothingness to reveal the real matters and reasons which would always be covered when you were fixated on pleasing the other. While we were doing nothing it seeped through our bodies and filled the air and he got it and knew what I was feeling and thinking and also the other way round.

He just had been absolutely right about gagging me.



I stopped moving my head and hid my face in the depths of his curves. His skin smelled so good, at some other time I would have opened my mouth and licked it to also get a taste of it.



“Is this…what we have been searching for…?” he asked me calmly.



His hand still moved over my shoulder, now he added a bit more pressure to it so as to convince me of his feelings which also seemed to grip him more tightly just like the nature of his touch changed.



“Is this…what we’re lacking?”



Although he was talking the silence remained.

But gods…he was so perfect…while I would have stupidly babbled away, torn that silence apart with my rude words and explanations, he knew how to keep it and talk at the same time. It didn’t fade although he had said something. It was just like his words were part of this special silence, like they belonged to it and therefore didn’t harm it.



“How do you feel…”



His voice sounded weak, uncertain and almost weepy.



“What are you feeling…?”



I heard him swallowing and felt his hand lightly squeezing my shoulder.

I had to help him, encourage him to keep that silence, even if it was so painful for him and tore at him just like it tore at my soul.



So I lifted my hands and embraced him, wound one arm round his belly and shoved the other under his body.

Now I was closer than ever…feeling everything of him, breathing his air, feeling his anguish and looking through his eyes. When I moved my head so that I felt his skin on my face and eyelids and it got dark I felt so cosy and comfortable that I nearly dug my nails into his skin.



It felt like…a hole…a cave…so warm and welcoming…like I was back in my mother’s belly. Whatever this must have felt like but I surely could imagine this feeling now being about the same as the one when I had been there. His hand promised me shelter and security, his body in front of me warmth and constancy and his deep and slow breath satisfaction and contentment.



This was the first time we were doing something like this. We had often been lying there silently and stroking each other but this was something else entirely. Compared to the moments we spent on the bed with petting our heads and kissing they were loud, noisy and filled with too much. And these moments now were deep, reaching limitless depths, growing more intense and even deeper with every second.



Was this the feeling others wanted to feel by taking drugs? Was this the salvation meditating people were craving for? Was it that perfection everyone was secretly dreaming of? Was it that popular ’more’?



For me, it was. This was everything, beginning with such vulgar feelings as joy and happiness and ending with real contentment and true satisfaction.

And I was blinded by happiness, gone mad with pleasure that it was my honey who could give me these feelings, who could really make me stay in this world and enjoy it, maybe even make me feel something most people in this world would never experience in their lives.



I would have asked him what he was feeling now.



He was silent again, breathing calmly. My head moved up and down, a hypnotizing rhythm as he in- and exhaled. His hand rested on my flank, warm and possessive.

I hoped…I fucking hoped I could make him feel the way I felt, I wished him to feel those same indescribable, deeply satisfying feelings and enjoy being able to feel them. I had adapted my breathing rhythm to his; I was inhaling when he was and exhaling when he was doing that but I was still going with him every time his ribcage rose. Slow and deep, like there was nothing to keep alive than his heart and tortured soul, no brain, no guts and no legs and hands to move…just thoughts, pure and untainted when the brain was shut off.



It was so fascinating…two bodies sharing that air, that space and those natural resources and though, being one and the same in thoughts, feeling the same and thinking the same thoughts.

This was so marvellous…indescribable…more than perfect…



And it would last forever. Because we had succeeded in keeping a part of that warming silence in our hearts. We would always be able to remember it, to recall it and indulge in it when we were longing for that. And we just would have to deeply stare into the others capturing eyes to find that silent beauty and perfection, that thing we shared from now on and that special way of communication we had discovered that day.

We shared it and kept it…to console and smile at the other without smiling and consoling.







______________________________







When I woke up in the morning I found myself lying in front of him, just like I had fallen asleep.

But there was a little hole in front of me…this wasn’t his flank. And just when I wanted to open my mouth to lick it and explore that place my tongue touched the plastic of the gag.

I made a sound of deep contentment and comfort and rubbed my nose against his skin again. No matter where I was lying, which part of his body I was touching, it was his.



Now I felt his hand, or I rather got aware of it again when he brushed over my lower back. So he was also awake.

I tried to figure out where my hands were lying then and as I moved one I felt it touching his back just where he was touching me and my other…somewhere between his shoulder blades and spine.

We spent another minute in silence like that before I finally pushed myself up because in the end I had realized where I had been lying.

When I lay down on the pillow as well I kept my eyes open. And looked into his.



Moons. During the daytime. Pervasively, sending out their shimmer, trying to reach the sun to be hit by her rays and be able to shine in a brighter light…opaque, deep and calm.

I didn’t need to ask him to tell how he had slept. His hand appeared in front of my face, he was lying on his right side so he moved it in a rather clumsy way but he made it to my neck where he gently moved it up and down again to let me feel the warmth of it.



And then he smiled. Not much, just so much as to let me see that he was smiling. For the first moment I was slightly confused, we had never done something like this and now he was smiling at me, forcing his thoughts to cross the air and be thought by me again…but the only problem was that I didn’t really know what he was feeling, although he was obviously happy or content I couldn’t look behind that first impression. Because that certainly went deeper, that smile was just the tip of the famous Sanzo iceberg where you got a mountain below the surface where you could bump into and hurt yourself if you failed to evaluate the situation.



So I lay there and let him touch me, I couldn’t do anything else anyway. And this was enough to please him, he moved closer with his head and softly kissed my upper lip and cheek. Now I had to smile as well, despite the gag in my mouth I somehow managed to show him that I was smiling because he stroked my cheek and lay own again, deep happiness radiating from his face.



“Turn around, please…”



I opened my eyes at that. He had kept his closed and the smile had disappeared. Carefully, not to hurt him, not to hurt his other hand as well, I turned around and just the moment I touched the sheets again with my head he had wound his hands round my chest and belly. One was coming from under my body and the other, even his left hand was firmly lying on my chest, pressing my body against his.

Then I felt his breath on my neck, he had searched his way through my hair and now even touched my skin with his lips.



And I liked these moments so much….these moments of the early morning when one woke up to find himself in some comfortable pose with the other and then things turned and one got into an even more comfortable pose and staying like that one fell asleep again for some more hours to share his dreams with the other.

I pulled the blanket up to our necks and then put my hands on his. He made a sound of contentment, shifted a bit and then took my legs between his by scissoring his and just closing over mine.

Like my lurking panther with his unlucky bait.



This time the bait which couldn’t move anymore, talk anymore and not even think anymore. He didn’t need to tie me up to make me unable to move and show me that I was helpless and chained to him and he didn’t need to shout at me and playfully reprimand me to humiliate me.

He just needed nothing to make me realize my real hidden thoughts which were always lying around in some dark corner because I had too much things to do than let these talk. I hope he had felt the same…but of course in some different way. I hoped he had finally understood and accepted his responsibility and obligation.

Because if he gave it up he’d let me fall as well, he was responsible for me and responsible for my future.

And I didn’t demand much of him…just a bit of love and affection and his share of responsibility was fulfilled.



Not much, just a bit…enough to make me live and not want to die.







__________