Hell and Healing

SPOILERS: All manga, all anime, L's true name, Another Note, Law and Right, Truth and Justice, Motive and Mayhem.

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Hell and Healing

Chapter 10: Giving

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Christmas at the orphanage was as bright and cheerful as ever. The tree was fresh and fragrant, covered in glitter and tinsel, popcorn garlands and plastic ornaments were scattered amongst the winking lights. There was a small mountain of shredded wrapping paper at the base of the tree and it left Mello with a soft smile as he wandered the house.

When he glanced in a mirror, he had to admit he cleaned up pretty well. Near had put him in a suit, all black save for the red shirt and green silk tie. He almost looked like a respectable businessman or a cheesy used car salesman, he wasn't quite sure which as he smiled softly at his own reflection.

"It's nice to see you smiling at yourself," Light said as he approached, placing a hand on Mello's shoulder as he stopped beside him. He looked in the mirror and gave a soft chuckle. "Look at you, you look great. What happened?"

"Near," Mello replied and couldn't quite keep the blush off his cheeks as he loosened his tie, opening the top of his shirt enough for Light to get a look at his collar. "It's not like things were with Matt, though. Nothing like that." He closed his shirt, tightened his tie.

"No, I don't think Near would be much like Matt, especially if you're looking this healthy. You looked far too frail for my liking when you were in the hospital last, I'm glad to see someone's teaching you to take better care of yourself," he smiled, giving Mello's shoulder a gentle squeeze and continuing on down the hallway.

"Hey, Light!" Against his better judgment, Mello waited for Light to turn to face him, then sighed. "How... how is he?"

The smile on Light's lips then was softer, a little sad. "He's doing all right. He misses you, but he's surviving."

"If it's okay with Near... can I talk to him?" Mello asked.

"I'm sure he'd like that. If Near approves, I'll set it up," Light promised with a soft smile. "I'll be around."

"Thanks," Mello replied softly, then turned back to the mirror. Had Near really changed him so much, in so short a time? He didn't know how long he stood there, looking at himself, but when he finally pulled away from the mirror to find Near, the youngest children had already been put down for naps.

He found Near in the infant room, rubbing a child's belly as it fussed. He glanced up, then back at the child. "She's got a cold, I'm trying to help her sleep."

"She looks pretty young," Mello said softly, looking at her.

"I brought her here, six months ago. She's nearly a year old, but her parents were arms dealers who wound up blowing themselves up," Near replied quietly, tilting his head as he looked at the little girl. "I named her Coco."

"She's pretty. For a baby," Mello replied, not terribly comfortable around the tiny children. "And she's in good hands now. That's what this place is for," he smiled softly, reaching out to take Near's other hand, squeezed it softly. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Hmm?" Near pulled his hand away, turning to look at Mello.

"I know you've always sad that I can decide who I do and don't talk to, but I want you to help me decide if I'm ready," he took a breath, preparing himself to say the next part.

"If you're ready to speak to Matt again?" Near considered it as Mello let out an explosive sigh. "I think that's something you have to decide for yourself, but if you choose to speak with him, and you want me to come with you, then I will do so."

Mello dragged his free hand through his hair. "I'm afraid," he admitted softly. "I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I'm supposed to want in this situation."

With a small smile, Near reached his hand out, threading it through Mello's hair and bringing him in for a soft, sweet kiss. "My kiss is pale, compared to Matt's, isn't it? It could be the same kiss, but you prefer it from his lips."

"Y-yeah," Mello agreed softly, but his eyes were wide from that soft kiss, confusion rumbling through him like a semi down a dirt road, sending smoke up to envelop his thoughts. "I..."

Near put his fingers to Mello's lips, shaking his head. "Our relationship is not sexual. I used the kiss as a demonstration. I understand that there is a place in your heart that will never belong to anyone but Matt, and that part of you is just as important, just as beautiful, as all other parts. Mello, I will protect you as much as I can, but I will not stop you from expressing your feelings, from being who you are and loving who you wish to. Nothing you say that separates me from Matt will hurt me. I promise you."

Swallowing heavily, Mello gave a small nod. "I'd like you to come with me... when I talk to him. I want to tell him that I belong to you now, but that I still love him."

The soft smile on Near's face didn't change. "Then I will be there with you. Go arrange it and come get me when it's time."

"Yes, master," he whispered the word, then brought Near's hand up to his lips for a kiss. He stepped away, turned and walked from the room with a soft blush and whole lot of uncertainty. There was only one thing he was certain of, and that was the support he had from Near.

It was enough to get him back to Light, to ask for contact with Matt. When it was ready, he returned to the nursery, and Near went with him into the small room where the video conference was set up. Once the connection was established and he'd checked the hardware, Light left the three of them alone.

Mello's hand clutching Near's wasn't lost on Matt as the connection solidified, as the hardware was checked and they were finally left alone. He was silent for a long minute before he let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. "Some Christmas present. So you're with him now?"

"No," Mello replied softly. "He's my master, but he's not my lover."

"Oh? Are the two things separable?" Matt's voice was heavy with sarcasm.

"In a healthy relationship they are," Near replied quietly, twirling his hair. "I am here to support Mello, not to antagonize you."

"And you're really the best definition of healthy," Matt drawled, shaking his head softly.

"Matt, stop. Please," Mello sighed, pushed his hand through his hair with a soft frown. "He's my master and that's all. Besides, I can't be in a relationship with anyone else when I'm still in love with you."

The silence lasted for nearly five minutes before Matt managed to choke a few words out. "You what?"

"I still love you," Mello replied softly, but he'd dropped his gaze. "After everything, I still can't forget you, can't just throw away my emotions or deny them or block them out," he sighed weakly.

"Mello, look at me," Matt said thickly, wiping an arm across his face. "Look at me."

Slowly, Mello raised his gaze, smiled weakly when he saw the tears tracking down Matt's face.

"I love you, too. I've never stopped. I love you, Mello, and I want to try again. I'll do whatever it takes, I know I fucked up really badly and there's no real way to make up for it, but I want to try again," Matt insisted, smiling through the tears that were shaking him.

"I don't know if I can try again yet, not... in terms of a relationship," Mello replied softly. "But I'm ready to be closer, to start building trust. Even for that, you'll have to ask my master's permission. We're not living in Japan right now, but if my master allows it, I'd like to be near you. I've never stopped thinking of you."

"It's a start," Matt replied warmly. "I'll take anything, at this point. Near, will you allow it?" Matt asked, wiping at his eyes.

"I'll have to think about it, but since Mello will be able to handle dealing with you, we'll be in Japan over New Years and we can see how things go then," Near replied softly. "I was worried that he might be more upset than comforted by being near you again, but after this, I think it's a good idea."

"Thank you, master," Mello said with a soft smile, wiping his eyes with his free hand. "I'll see you in a few days, Matt. Get some sleep and for god's sake, go eat something," he smiled sadly, looking up at the screen where Matt's cheeks were flushing pink.

"You know me too well," Matt muttered affectionately, but he smiled. "I'll do both, I promise. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas," Mello replied softly.

"Happy Christmas," Near smiled as the connection cut out and he rose from the seat, heading out into the hallway where L and Light were both waiting.

Without a word, Mello released Near's hand and went to Light, embracing him in a hug. "Thank you," he whispered, holding on as he slowly got his emotions back under control.

After a glance at L, then at Near, Light reluctantly curled his arms around Mello. "Are you all right?" he asked softly.

Mello nodded. "Just give me a minute."

So Light held him there, thoroughly confused as the minute turned into five before Mello pulled away and wiped at his eyes, sniffling a bit.

"That was a really good present," Mello muttered with a weak smile.

"It wasn't even the one I intended to give you," Light laughed softly, "but I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I'm afraid the other present will have to wait," Near said softly, "Mello has somewhere to be, soon. It's nearly three."

"Already?" Mello glanced at his watch, shook his head a little. "I'll be back in an hour or two," he said, giving them each a smile and a wave, heading back to the main entrance and bundling up to go outside. He took Near's car and drove into town.

He arrived at the church just in time for the afternoon Christmas Mass.

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A/N: Okay, this took a really long time to get out. Mostly because of school and illness. Things are doing better now, but I'm still quite sick so it might take me a while to post the next chapter.

Black Fox: Thank you! As for the questions you have, you'll just have to wait for the next update to find out the details of what really happens!

Ominee: I wouldn't know, but I'm glad you like it so much! Enjoy the new chapter, and with any luck, I'll have another new one out soon.

Coby: I'm happy you like it so much, and sorry to leave you hanging for the next chapter. With any luck, I'll be able to pick up the pace once I'm well again.

Kaze: I'm glad you enjoyed. Hopefully this chapter kept with the theme you liked so well. I do hope my plans for the rest of this story will keep you happy.