Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Chapter Ten

Well, if I was in your position

I'd put down all my ammunition

I'd wonder why'd it taken me so long

But Lord knows that I'm not you

And if I was, I wouldn't be so cruel

Cause waitin' on love aint so easy to do

-Sitting, Waiting, Wishing By: Jack Johnson

Shizuki stood out on the curb of the airport turnaround waiting for the familiar Volkswagen to appear that Akiha was so fond of driving. He wished he didn't have to call Akiha for help, but he wasn't to trust worthy of the taxi cab drivers around Osaka. The last one he could have sworn had been trying to kill him. However, he dreaded seeing that blond almost as much as he dreaded the confrontation he would have with Umeda. He knew how much the photographer loved Umeda. Akiha certainly would not go easy on Shizuki if he found out what had happened between the two doctors. He really hoped that Akiha hadn't been astute enough to figure it out. He knew it was futile wishing. Akiha was to sharp, under that cheerful facade, if he didn't know what had happened, then he could probably make a pretty good guess at it. He would definitely be disappointed in Shizuki for having run. So he stood there, duffel bag in hand, feeling like a complete idiot while his stomach turned with anxiety.

Why had he come back here?

He knew why though. He couldn't run away from this. Being thousands of miles away had not changed his feelings. In fact, they had grown stronger and he'd felt more like an ass with every passing day. He couldn't pretend that this was gonna die off or go away if he believed it enough. His traitorous heart would not let him forget. He had never been one to run away from anything either. His pride had been wounded by turning tail and running like a frightened animal. It didn't matter that his pride had cringed at the things Umeda had done and said to him. His ego was more bruised by his cowardice.

He wanted to believe what Mizuki said; that love was love no matter what or who with. But doubt, fear, and his damned pride still dragged at him, making him feel sicker by the moment. He wondered if he was going to throw up for a moment. God, he was such a wimp. He'd never acted this way before in his life. Yet, the prospect of just going to see Umeda had him wanting to go running back into the airport to grab the first plane back to California.

Before he could follow through with that thought, though, he saw Akiha's Bug pull into the turnaround. A moment later, the photographer's bright blond hair and smiling face was visible through the windshield. Shizuki took a deep breath as the car stopped in front of him. He could do this. He would think of it as the first test of his resolve and courage to face Akiha. He opened the back passenger door to sling his bag in before climbing into the front seat beside Akiha.

"Hello, Shizuki-kun. It's been a while," Akiha chirped brightly, but Shizuki could see the hard edge behind this eyes. So much for hoping he wouldn't have figured out what had happened.

Shizuki nodded and tried to return the smile, but it felt more like a grimace. "Good to see you again, Akiha-san."

Akiha pulled his car out of the turnaround. "Where am I driving you to?"

The blond doctor hesitated for a long moment. Maybe he should just go to a hotel first. He knew it would just be delaying the issue or giving himself time to back out of the promise he'd made to himself not to run away. He sighed, "Please, take me to Umeda's apartment."

The photographer looked over at him with a hard, almost angry look. "And why should I do that?"

"I...," Shizuki was caught off guard by the vindictive tone in that voice. "I need to apologize to him."

"And that's all?" Akiha asked with the sharp bite of reprimand in his question.

The American hunched his shoulders. He didn't know what to say. He could barely admit his feelings to himself. He didn't know if he'd have the guts to admit them to Umeda, much less Akiha. The words caught in his throat as he tried to think of some way to explain why he was here.

"You know, Umeda-sempai has been a wreck for the last week. He locked himself in his apartment for days. When he finally came out he looked like he hadn't slept in days or even bothered to take care of himself. He only came out, because he had to go to work, but he's so depressed he can barely do his job. I've never seen him like this. If I didn't know better I would have blamed this all on Ryoichi, but it's not his fault, is it? It's because of you," Akiha accused him angrily.

Shizuki slid down further in his seat, wishing he could hide in a dark hole somewhere. He swallowed hard and made himself answer. "Yes."

"I told you I'd be disappointed in you if you were running. I don't know if I can forgive you for breaking his heart. And if you came back merely to apologize, you'll only make the situation worse. You could have apologized over the phone or with a letter," Akiha remarked, anger still evident in the way he spoke.

"I couldn't–I don't...," Shizuki stammered, unable to find an answer.

Akiha scowled. "Do you love him?"

Shizuki closed his eyes, trying to find the strength to do what was necessary. He grasped for his resolve desperately, but it seemed to be slipping.

"You're a coward. Just say it!" Akiha snapped at him.

The blond looked over at him in surprise. "Alright," he finally managed to say.

"Alright, what?"

"I love him, alright!" Shizuki half shouted at Akiha.

The blond finally smiled. "There, see that wasn't so hard."

Shizuki blinked at the photographer like an owl. Oddly, he realized that Akiha was right. Once it was out of his mouth he wondered why it had been so hard to say that. "Yeah," he muttered.

"For your sake, I hope you can say what you need to when the time comes. No more running away, Shizuki." Akiha said seriously.

"Right," was all he could say. No more running.

Akiha drove him the rest of the way in silence. Shizuki was very grateful for that. He didn't really want to talk about it anymore. It would only make him more nervous. In what felt like no time at all, Akiha was parking his Bug in front of Umeda's apartment building. All Shizuki could do for a long moment was stare up at the building. He wondered how in the hell his life had gotten so out of control. He jumped a little when Akiha pushed him lightly on the shoulder.

"Go on," Akiha encouraged him. "Go man up."

"Hey Akiha, I'm sorry-." The younger man looked over at the photographer.

"Hey, if it was meant to be me he fell in love with I think it would have happened a while ago. Fate's been telling me that Umeda isn't the one for me," Akiha said regretfully. "It's time for me to move on too. I just want to make sure he's happy first."

"Ok," Shizuki nodded.

Akiha smiled. "By the way, I'll be sitting right here. If you try to run I will kick your ass back up there."

The blond doctor swallowed and smiled back wanly. "Ok then. I'll be going."

"And don't try to sneak out the back way either. I will find you," the photographer gave him the evil eye. "If I don't see you in 15 minutes though, I'll go."

"Gotcha," Shizuki opened the car door and climbed out. "See yah later, Akiha."

"Good luck, Shizu-kun," Akiha grinned up at him brightly.

The blond nodded. "Thanks." He turned and walked away. He paused in front of the building before pushing the door open. He glanced back to see Akiha wave at him cheerfully, and then walked inside. He made his way up to Umeda's apartment. The whole way he was trying to force himself not to think. He just kept moving forward one step at a time. Then suddenly he was standing in front of Umeda's door. He didn't really recall how he'd gotten there. Did he take the elevator or the stairs? Did it really matter? This was it.

He raised his hand to knock…

And couldn't seem to make himself do it.

He was frozen in place.

Shizuki jumped back in surprise when the door suddenly swung open. Umeda stopped shifting through the keys in his hand and looked up. The two stared at each other for a long moment in stunned silence. Umeda looked like he was dressed to go to a semi-formal party. He was wearing a black suit with a white under shirt and tie that matched the color of his eyes. He had an over coat slung over his arm. His hair was expertly tousled so that Shizuki could just imagine running his fingers through it and mussing it up. The doctor's keys sat in his palm as thoroughly forgotten as whatever plans he'd had for the night. Shizuki thought Umeda looked beautiful.

"Why're you here?" Umeda finally asked in disbelief.

His question snapped Shizuki out of his own startled silence. For the first time in forever he knew exactly what he wanted to say. He hadn't planned it, but the words just came. "You told me when I was trying to make Mizuki leave Osaka that if I didn't stop being so stubborn I was going to lose something important. Well, you were right back then and you're right now," Shizuki replied quietly.

Umeda's mouth opened as if to speak then seemed to forget what he wanted to say. The look of startled hope in his eyes made Shizuki smile slightly. Umeda cleared his throat and glanced down at the keys in his hand. When he looked up the look in his eyes had changed to fearful doubt. Shizuki felt his own doubts beginning to creep in. Maybe he'd been wrong about coming back here. Maybe this was an incredibly stupid idea.

"You look like you have somewhere important to go. I'll just leave…," Shizuki started to turn. He jerked to a halt when Umeda's hand snagged his sleeve.

"Please, don't go. Don't say anything. Just-," Umeda's voiced hitched. When had he had he fallen so hard for Shizuki? When had his heart decided that it had to be this man and no one else? If he let Shizuki go now he might lose his only chance to have the blond. He might be afraid that Shizuki had only come to apologize just so they could try to only be friends again. That didn't mean he was going to let himself ruin the chance that Shizuki had made to possibly come and confess. "Before you say anything else, can I kiss you?" He blurted impulsively.

Shizuki stood poised in the hallway in indecision. His head was saying run and his heart was saying stay. His body had already betrayed him-again. He turned so that he faced Umeda fully. For once, he wanted to make the first move.

"No," he said sternly.

Umeda's eyebrows shot up at the severe tone. He couldn't say he was all that surprised

Shizuki grabbed his tie and pulled him forward. "This time I'm kissing you."

The older man stood, stunned, as Shizuki pulled him down into a kiss. It was butterfly soft and tentative, but the hopeful little whimper Umeda gave bolstered the blond's courage. Shizuki opened his mouth and the doctor followed suit without hesitation. Suddenly, they were kissing fervently. All the space disappeared between their bodies in an instant as they pressed into each other. The blond reached up to cup the doctor's face in his hands. Umeda almost seemed frantic with the overwhelming swell of need that had roared to life in him. His hands were in Shizuki's hair, then sliding down the blond's body like he was desperate to feel as much of Shizuki as he could in that moment. Shizuki jerked in surprise as his shirt was yanked from his pants. Warm hands found his bare hips a moment later, leaving him gasping. Tingles of awareness shivered up his spin as Umeda caressed his skin. Finally they broke apart gasping for air. Neither one of them stepped away.

"I'm sorry," Shizuki whispered in between breaths.

Umeda blinked at him stupidly. He felt like his brain had been turned to putty. Damn, Shizuki could kiss. "What?"

"I'm sorry I left like that. I'm sorry I said those hateful things to you. I was just so scared. I didn't want to ," he trailed off, the words dying in his mouth. His mind screamed for him not to admit the truth. Even after everything, he was struggling to find the courage to say what he had come so far to admit.

"Didn't want to what?" Umeda's hands were still on Shizuki's hips, drawing patterns on his sensitive skin. Shizuki had to struggle to think. How was it that Umeda seemed to find the areas on his body that were instant turn ons? The doctor smirked knowingly at him.

"I didn't want to admit that I'm in love with you," he confessed, voice breaking at the end. It had been harder to say that then anything else he'd ever had to do before. It was like leaping over a 30 foot hurdle, and knowing it was futile to try. Yet, somehow he'd made it to the top of that hurdle. He felt relieved and a thrill that he had succeeded. Now there was the fall on the other side though. Would he fall and shatter or be caught and saved?

Umeda's heart felt like it had tried to leap out of his chest. He never thought Shizuki would say that. He'd been waiting for a rejection. He'd suffered so many of them already, but he was sure one more would have broken him completely. He looked into Shizuki's frightened, hopeful eyes and smiled. He saw his own insecurities mirrored back at him.

"I've been in love with you," Umeda replied softly. "Still am, even after a broken heart."

Shizuki smiled back shakily. He felt like he was soaring as Umeda pulled him tighter into his embrace and kissed him once more. After a long moment, they pulled apart again. Umeda grinned at the blond before tugging him inside his apartment.

"Come in before my nosy neighbors start peering out of their doors," the doctor said before swinging the door shut.

Shizuki chuckled then stopped. "Wait, what about the party or whatever it was you were going to?" He asked worriedly.

"Oh, that? Don't worry about it. It's my sister's annual New Year's party. I usually skip it, but I didn't feel like being alone tonight. I'm sure she'll forgive me when she finds out why I skipped," Umeda replied casually as he hung his coat back in the closet and took his shoes off.

"So now what?" Shizuki inquired somewhat nervously. He slipped out of his own shoes as the doctor began to tug him towards the living room.

Umeda laughed. "Well, usually after a love declaration the happy couple makes love." He looked back to see Shizuki visibly pale in response. He turned back around to grab the blond by the shoulders. "Hey, I'm playing. I know you're not ready. That's ok. I can wait," the doctor shook Shizuki gently.

"I'm sorry, I-." Shizuki stammered, horrified at his own actions.

"Don't apologize," Umeda said sharply. He softened his tone when the blond flinched. "I understand, Shizuki. It's to new for you. You need time for it to sink in. I'm fine with that."

"Really?" Shizuki blinked in surprise.

"Yeah," the doctor replied sincerely. "Look, how about we just take it slow for now. We both need time to get used to this. This is the first time I've ever had my love returned. It's a little overwhelming."

Shizuki smiled. "Yeah, it is."

"Why don't we try being a couple for a little while before we try anything serious, ok?" Umeda suggested.

"I can deal with that." The blond answered.

"Good, now come sit down. We can throw on some movies, drink some booze, and celebrate the New Year together," the doctor said as flopped on to the couch and pulled Shizuki down with him.

Shizuki grinned. "I like that idea."

"You stay here. I'm gonna grab some wine and put on a movie. Don't move," Umeda got up and pushed the blond back down when Shizuki made to follow him. The doctor leaned over to kiss the blond hard on the mouth. He sighed happily when Shizuki reached up and gripped the back of his neck lightly.

"Aren't you gonna take your suit jacket off?" the blond whispered against his mouth.

Umeda sighed as the blond nipped at his lips. "I was…"

"Let me help," Shizuki grabbed his jacket labels and helped the doctor shrug it off. "Much better, huh?"

"Yeah," Umeda murmured, as the blond gently loosened his tie next. A moment later, the fabric slipped free of his neck and was tossed on the coffee table. The doctor went willingly as Shizuki tugged him down. He straddled the blond's lap then settled back to sit on his thighs. Umeda wrapped his arms around Shizuki's neck and buried his face in the side of the blond's neck. Shizuki slipped his arms about Umeda so he could hold him tight. For the doctor it felt perfect. He never thought he'd be held like this with someone he loved who loved him back. It was like a fantasy come true. It was something he'd longed for so much that it seemed to good to be real.

"The booze and the movies can wait," Shizuki whispered against the doctor's neck. "For now, I just wanna hold you."

Umeda closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. He had to fight down the urge to cry. "That's all I want too."

Time drifted by slowly. They stayed in each other's arms until their bodies were practically numb from sitting that way. Only then did Shizuki let the doctor get up to finally grab food and drinks. Umeda threw on his favorite movie and settled down on the couch next to the blond.

"Blade Runner?" Shizuki asked with amusement.

"Shut up, it's my favorite movie," Umeda growled defensively.

Shizuki laughed. "Ok, ok."

It was probably the best New Year's eve both had ever had. It was so amazingly perfect to be able to sit next to someone they loved while they watched movies, drank expensive wine, and traded kisses. Strange how Shizuki didn't realize what he'd been missing until now. He looked down at the doctor, whose head was lying on his shoulder, and enjoyed how right it all felt. His whole life he'd been running away from the truth about himself. He had always felt like there was some part of him that was missing. He didn't feel that way anymore. Umeda had helped him realize the truth. For the first time, Shizuki had finally fallen in love with his whole heart.

"Hey, it's midnight," Umeda spoke up suddenly.

Shizuki glanced up at the wall as the clock struck midnight exactly. "Happy New Year," he said with a soft smile.

"Same to you," Umeda grinned before pulling the blond down into a long, deep kiss.

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Yeah, it got sappy at the end. I couldn't find a good place to stop. So I was just like f- it. Here you go. :P Hahahaha!