The Bad Adult Anime Fanfic

The Bad Adult Anime Fanfic:
Ch. 11: Fully Mental Alchemist

Disclaimer: Ed, Roy and Al have sex. (1)
Summary: They have sex. (2)

A/N: I was challenged to explore the crappy side of yaoi... As if the crappy InuYasha/Sesshimaru pairing back in Ch. 1 wasn't enough. Ed and Roy fics are a dime a dozen out there... In addition, the cliches for a Mary Sue are a bit different from a Marty Stu. Special thanks to Splintered Star for the help on this one. It's a bit longer than the rest because I was trying to sound like an obnoxious teenage girl that flapped her mouth all the time, which is what most Mary Sues are.

Marty Stu decided to hand the reins of this chapter over to his sister, Mary Sue. Physically, she was perfect in every way - she was the right height and weight, and her figure had no imperfections in it. Every man wanted her and every woman wanted to be her. Her hair was the right length, and her smile so infectious that it demanded you return that smile. Her frame was athletic, and her body perfectly proportioned. (3) Her only problem was finding that *perfect* man for her.

"There aren't enough really hot good babes in FMA to suit my needs." Marty Stu wangsted. "Oh, why can't I find a babe that will please me?" Marty Stu continued to wangst. Mary Sue was of like mind.

"I just want one cute guy to love... *Sigh*..." Mary Sue said. "I know he's out there! I want him! We'll have a nice house in the suburbs and live happily ever after! I know he's in the next fandom! He will be mine!" (4)

Well, the world Mary Sue bamfed into was that of Fullmetal Alchemist. She looked around the place, and found herself on the street of what looked like some god-forsaken town. The person who first met her was Al Elric.

"Wow. You teleported here. You must be a powerful alchemist." Al said.

"Nah, that's my superhuman ability. The name's Mary Sue. So where am I?" She asked.

"You're in the city of Sandrios." Al replied. "My name is Alphonse Elric."

"Great. Say, what do you look like under that armor?" Mary Sue wondered aloud with a smile.

"Uh... There's nothing under this armor. I was trapped in it due to an alchemy accident." Al replied. "Mind you, I wouldn't tell this to anyone immediately except an obvious Mary Sue."

"Damn. So where can I pick up a few hot hunks around here?" Mary Sue asked.

"Uh... I don't really know. My brother and I just got here. We're looking for the Merichi stone." Al replied.

"Oh, you have a brother? Is he cute?" Mary Sue said, perking up.

"He went to find us a hotel to stay in tonight. He should be back any minute now." Al said.

"Mmm... I'm hoping he's blonde with blue eyes and ultra-sexy." Mary Sue said. About 30 seconds later, Ed Elric entered.

"Sorry bro (5). Couldn't bag us a pad." Ed said. Mary Sue came up to him and smiled.

"Well, you little cutie-pie, you're always welcome to stay with me." Mary Sue said.

"Little!? Who are you calling little!?" Ed replied, getting very angry and brandishing a metal fist. Al was more pragmatic about the height issue.

"Brother, this is a badfic. You're supposed to be so madly in lust with her that you'll let her get away with that." Al said. Ed calmed down.

"I just want to know if my Roy loves me!" Ed said.

"Whoa, that's really out of character for you, brother." Al noted. "Plus it's cliche."

"Hey, why have him when you could have me instead." Mary Sue said. (6)

"Well... I really don't like girls." Ed replied. "Even obvious Mary Sues."

"Damn! Why the hell did I have to bamf into a world where every guy is fucking gay!? This is worse than that world I was in with that Sephiroth fag!" Mary Sue wangsted.

"Oh, calm down, Mary Sue. I'm sure there's someone here for you." Al said. "After all, Mary Sues are supposed to get the guy they want the most."

"Yea, but in that Sephiroth world, I wanted him and didn't get him!" Mary Sue wangsted.

"Well, just be patient." Ed said. "I have to go report to my superior." With that, Ed headed off to find a phone with Al and Mary Sue in tow.

"Why are you following us?" Ed asked.

"Because you're cute, and I won't rest until we kiss." Mary Sue said.

"Oh." Ed said disinterestedly. Mary Sue was not happy about that.

"Hey, I AM MARY SUE HERE!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME!" Mary Sue retorted, her brattiness coming through loud and clear.

"Oh, sorry." Ed said insincerely. "I love you then, I guess."

"You are gonna be damn sorry for treating me bad." Mary Sue replied.
However, they found a pay phone and Ed contacted Roy about things. He picked up the phone and dialed the number with a smile. He eagerly anticipated hearing the ultra-melodic voice of his beloved commander, Colonel Roy Mustang. It had been so long since he had heard that sweet, smooth-sounding voice, it was just almost too much to bear. The phone rang once, and then the Colonel answered it.

"Yesssssssssss, Colonel Roy Mustang here." (7)

"Colonel, we're in that city like you asked." Ed said. (8)

"Good, Fullmetal. I'll be joining you there shortly. It's rumored that the recipe for a Merichi stone is there somewhere. Find it and guard it with your life!" Roy said.

"Will do, Colonel!" Ed said with excitement. He relished the idea of seeing *his* beloved Roy again. He could barely wait for the train that would be carrying *his* beloved Roy.

"Excellent. I'll be eagerly anticipating our meeting." Roy said. "Goodbye, full metal." Ed had stars in his eyes as Roy hung up the phone.

At the base, Mustang was smiling.

"Mmm... Soon, I'll get to see my Eddie-pie." Roy thought aloud. "I can hardly wait!"

"Uh, begging the Colonel's pardon, but that seems to be very OOC for you." One of Roy's nameless aides said.

"True, but this is a badfic. I really can't stay in character here." Roy replied.

"Oh, okay." The aide replied.

Back with Ed, Al and Mary Sue, she was inside a hotel smiling at the hotel's clerk.

"Surely you could spare at least one room for me." Mary Sue said. She leaned forward and gave the smitten clerk a peek into her top. (9)

"Uh... Well... All right. I can get you a two-bed room." He said.

"Oh, thank you so much!" Mary Sue said. The clerk then gave her the key. She then went up to the room to check it out. Naturally, it was a very lavish, posh affair, and the beds were top-rate.

"Hmm... Well, this looks passable." Mary Sue said arrogantly. Just after that, Ed and Al entered the room.

"Wow, this looks wonderful!" Ed said. Mary Sue spun around and stared deeply into Ed's eyes. Ed panicked at this.

"Well, this is an... adequate improvement here." Mary Sue said.

"Hey, wait a minute. There are only two beds here! I don't think that bed's big enough for Al and me." Ed said. (10)

"Oh no, Eddie-kins, you're sharing the bed with *me.*" Mary Sue said.

"I only want to sleep next to *MY* Roy!" Ed replied.

"Look pal, I'm Mary Sue and I get what I want!" Mary Sue said with great arrogance. Ed backed down a bit.

"Okay! Okay! I'll sleep next to you!" Ed said.

"Humph. It's about time you came to your senses." Mary Sue said.

"But I won't like it." Ed said, finishing his thought.

"This is a badfic. You're supposed to like it." Mary Sue said. "I *am* Mary Sue, remember? Everyone *MUST* like Mary Sue."

"But how can I be gay *and* like sleeping next to a girl!?" Ed asked. (11)

"I wouldn't get my hopes up for an explanation." Al said.

"Hey, I AM MARY SUE HERE!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME!!" Mary Sue snapped at Ed. "Quit throwing logic into this!"

"I just want to be with *MY* Roy!" Ed whined.

"Hey, wangst is *MY* department." Mary Sue said with anger in her voice. "I just want one man who's going to love me!"

"I want to get back in my real body, but that doesn't mean that I can." Al said. Not amused, Mary Sue stormed out of the room.

"What's with her?" Al asked.

"Oh, she's just letting the bratty side out again." Ed said. "Mind you, in real life, everyone would call her a real bitch."

"But she's Mary Sue! We *have* to love her. Well, since she's the "star" of this, maybe we should follow her." Al said.

Mary Sue walked down the street, and towards the train station.

"I'm sure to find some hot hunks here." Mary Sue said aloud. She walked around until she saw a train coming in. Arriving on that train was Colonel Mustang. Ed and Al entered, and then the train stopped. Out walked Colonel Mustang and his entourage.

"Fullmetal! It's good to see you again." Roy said.

"Colonel! I'm glad that you're here!" Ed replied. The two of them shook hands and then parted.

"Well, what do we have here?" Mary Sue asked, perking up. "Looks like another hot hunk for me." Roy looked over at Mary Sue.

"Who's this?" He asked.

"Her? I don't know, Colonel. She just latched onto me because she thinks I'm TEH HAWT." Ed said.

"Hey! I told you my name was Mary Sue!" Mary Sue snapped at Ed.

You aren't about to get *my* Eddie-kins, Roy thought. (12) He merely gave Mary Sue a dirty look.

"Well, I've made arrangements at a hotel. We've got reliable information that there's a nearby hermit that has the recipe for the Merichi stone." Roy said.

"Uh... what does that do?" Al asked.

"It amplifies an alchemist's power 10,000 times." Roy said. (13)

"Really? We can make it!?" Ed asked.

"Yes, Fullmetal. We'll make it." Roy replied.

"That's great! Al, you're going to get your body back!" Ed said.

"I can hardly wait!" Al replied.

Well, thanks to Mary Sue's impeccable guidance, they managed to find the hermit's home. It was in a cave in a nearby mountain. When they arrived there, they were met by an old man in a wheelchair. He had an eye missing and he was very scruffy-looking. His long white beard went to about his heart. (14)

"I am Colonel Roy Mustang. We are here for the recipe to the philos– erm, I mean the Merichi stone." Roy said.

"Go away. We have no such thing here." The old man said.

"Sir, we've traveled from far away to find this recipe. Can't you at least let us see it?" Mary Sue begged.

"I will tell you this much: you will need the souls of 1000 powerful alchemists, and you must surrender the thing you love the most." The old man said. "Once it is made, the stone is good for one use only, and then it engulfs its user and dies. There is no way around this. Mind you, I would say this only to an obvious Mary Sue."

"I really want to see it..." Mary Sue said, leaning forward and giving the old man a peek inside her cleavage.

"You are persistent, obvious Mary Sue - well, you're going to die the tragic, lingering death if you pursue this." The old man said. Mary Sue wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Damnit old man, I AM MARY SUE AND I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT!!" Mary Sue shouted at him.

"Not here, woman. Go away." The old man said. Mary Sue then pulled her top off and her bra down, exposing her luscious tits. Any straight man would have killed to get his hands on them. (15) The old man had a heart attack and died as Mary Sue put her top back on.

"That was probably a bad idea, Mary Sue, but it gives us access to his cave." Roy said. The four of them headed inside. Naturally, Mary Sue instantly found the book containing the recipe.

"I don't recognize this writing." Al said.

"It's an ancient script that is hard to translate." Roy said.

"Let's see here... This isn't too different from that Oran High Host Club script I saw a few worlds ago. Let's see here... We need an interociter, the souls of 1000 powerful alchemists, the head of a Dornbeast, (16) a 5-pound diamond and a raven's feather. The initiator must be powerful enough to cast without a circle, and give up the thing he wants the most." Mary Sue said.

"Amazing that you were able to read that so easily." Ed said.

"Well, I *am* Mary Sue." Mary Sue said haughtily.

"Well Fullmetal, we've just got to gather the ingredients." Roy said.

"I won't do it! I can't kill 1000 people and give up what I want the most to get that stone!" Ed said.

"The army wants you to do it, Fullmetal. Damn what it takes!!" Roy said.

"Hey, that's really callous of you. You're willing to kill 1000 people just to satisfy your need for power?" Ed asked Roy.

"We're under orders from the furher himself. Bring a Merichi stone back at any costs." Roy said.

"Let' see if it really works." Mary Sue said.

"What are you saying? You want to commit mass murder!?" Ed asked.

"Let's get everything but the souls together." Mary Sue said. "I'll try to see if there's a way around it."

"But that old man said there was no way around it." Al pointed out.

"This is a badfic. Don't worry about continuity here." Roy said.

"Oh, right. Now, where are we going to get a 5-lb. diamond?" Ed asked.

"Leave that to me, fullmetal. There's a cavern of Dornbeasts nearby, you go get me about 5 heads or so." Roy said.

"That's easier said than done. They can envelop a person in a toxic, sticky string that can't be broken!" Ed said.

"You'll find a way, fullmetal." Roy said.

Well, Ed and Al were sent to the cave of Dornbeasts.

"I'd feel better if Mary Sue were here. She'd get those nasty Dornbeasts in no time." Al said.

"Well, she's trying to figure out a way to get around that impasse thing." Ed said. They were at the mouth of the cave when they heard the distinctive "Harumph!" of the Dornbeast.

"Brother, I'm scared!" Al whined.

"Don't be. The strings shouldn't be fatal to you." Ed said.

"That's easy for you to say." Ed replied. (17)

They were soon face-to-face with the dreaded Dornbeast. Al panicked and ran, only to have the Dornbeast fire its string at Al. Ed then drew a circle on the ground and told Al to lead the Dornbeast there. Al did so as Ed cast his spell. The spell was a bolt that struck the Dornbeast in its chest, killing it instantly. Al, fortunately, managed to keep free of the strings shot at him.

"Whew! One down, four to go." Ed said. The next four Dornbeast heads were acquired in the same manner.

Back with Roy, he was using his alchemy skills to fuse a group of diamonds into a 5-lb. diamond. He successfully did this five times, using up all of the army's treasure trove of artificially created diamonds. He was back at the hotel room with Mary Sue. When he finished, Roy fell back into a chair, exhausted.

"Ooh... That really wore me out." Roy said. Mary Sue stopped what she was doing and stood up.

"I guess alchemy can take a lot out of a person." Mary Sue said. She then went over to Roy and started massaging his shoulders.

"Feeling better yet?" Mary Sue asked.

"I wish it were my Eddie-kins giving me a massage." Roy said. This was like dumping a bucket of icy cold water on Mary Sue. She then spun him around and gave him a bitch slap.

"You goddamn asshole!! I have been offered vast treasuries for my massages!!" Mary Sue said, ego coming through loud and clear.

"I just want my Eddie-kins to love me!" Roy wangsted.

"Hey, wangst is *MY* department! You're supposed to LOVE me! One more person wangsts besides me around here and I'm outta here!" Mary Sue continued her rant. She was not happy, and woe be onto those who make her unhappy.

"It's hard to love a girl who's as much of a brat as you are." Roy noted. Mary Sue ignored him.

"You're supposed to love me! I am Mary Sue!" Mary Sue shouted. Roy wasn't moved by this.

"Why the hell did the two hottest guys here have to be gay!? Us women want the right man too, you know!" Mary Sue wangsted. "I am sick of you and Ed constantly wangsting about each other!!"

Roy was a bit taken aback by this.

"My Eddie-kins... Loves me?" Roy asked.

"Yes damnit!! I don't now how you could be so fucking blind to it!" Mary Sue snapped back. "This sucks. I was better off in that Gundam world."

"Oh... I'm so happy!! Oh, thank you... Uh... What was you name again?" Roy asked. He was met with another bitchslap. This one knocked Roy to the ground.

"I'm Mary Sue, *THE* star of this fic, you fucking moron!!" Mary Sue shouted. "You should be thankful that I don't unleash my full superhuman powers on you, asshole!!"

"Oh..." Roy said, uneasily standing up and nursing his jaw. Mary Sue threw Roy out of the room.

Well, after Ed and Al returned, Roy informed them what had happened.

"So I have to fix things?" Ed asked.

"She thinks you're TEH HAWT, fullmetal. She'll listen to you." Roy said.

"Wonderful. Fine, I'll go." Ed said.

Inside, he came up to the fuming Mary Sue.

"Mary Sue... Will you still help us?" Ed asked...

"Why should I?" Mary Sue replied.

"We need your help... We're lost without you..." Ed said.

"On your knees, slave." Mary Sue demanded. Ed had no choice but to do so.

"Please, Mary Sue, you must help us..." Ed pleaded.

"You will refer to me as your most exalted Mistress Mary Sue."
Mary Sue said with a sadistic smile on her face.

"Yes, Most exalted Mistress Mary Sue." Ed replied.

"Well, when the time is right, you're going to have to do me." Mary Sue said. Ed gulped and looked nervous.

"Uh... O.k." Ed replied. He and Mary Sue went to tell Roy the news.

"Colonel, Mistress Mary Sue has agreed to help us again." Roy shot a very dirty look at Mary Sue, as she was eyeing Ed's hot ass.

"How DARE she try to claim *MY* Edward. That bitch better not try anything." Roy thought quietly yet aloud.

"Colonel, this is a badfic. We're all supposed to love Mary Sue." Al noted.

"Damn crapfics." Mustang said.

"Well, that's good news, Fullmetal." Roy replied.

"Oh, C'mon, you two! Be real men and admit you love each other!" Mary Sue said with anger.

Ed and Roy looked at each other and sweatdropped.

"You... Love me, sir?" Ed asked.

"Jeez you are clueless. If you weren't so cute, I'd bamf out of here now. The audience is getting sick of this and they want TEH SECKS now!" Mary Sue said.

"Who's crappy idea was this anyway?" Roy asked.

"I'm sorry, sir! I can't help it if a bunch of fangirls think we are TEH HAWT!" Ed said.

"Well then, come to my arms, my beloved Eddie." Roy said. Roy and Ed embraced each other. Mary Sue merely rolled her eyes.

"About damn time we had some guy-to-guy action here." Mary Sue said. She then drew an alchemists' circle on the ground around them. The circle itself was in the usual pattern of an alchemist's circle, and it measured 4 feet in diameter. It was drawn with white chalk on a concrete surface. (18)

"What's this for?" Roy asked.

"While you were out here I figured out how to get the Merichi stone without having to kill a bunch of alchemists. The alchemist needs to be having sex with the person s/he loves the most." Mary Sue said.

"Wow. You sure know your stuff, Mary Sue." Ed said.

"Well, just keep enough in reserve for me, Eddie-kins." Mary Sue said.

"Wait a minute. I thought we had to give up the thing we wanted the most for this." Ed said.

"Don't throw continuity into this! This is a badfic! Now shut up and get Roy's cock in your mouth!!" Mary Sue snapped at Ed. (19)

"Being in a badfic really sucks, you know." Ed said. Mary Sue left and then Ed and Roy undressed.

"Wow Fullmetal... You're huge!" Roy said. Ed merely put his arms around Roy and firmly planted his lips in Roy.

They enjoyed the intense passion that flowed between them. Neither of them could get enough of this. They also ran their strong, secure hands over each other's backs. When they finally came up for air, they lay down next to each other and started feeling each other's hard, athletic chests. Then Ed started going down on Roy. Eagerly devouring Roy's cock, Ed sucked it with an intense fury, getting the already semi-hard Colonel harder.
Just as Ed and Roy started, Al entered the place.

"Oh... Sorry." Al said as he turned to go.

"Hey, Al! This is a badfic! You're supposed to want to join in!" Roy said.

"But I don't have the right equipment for that! I only got a codpiece down there." Al said as he pointed to the sheet that covered his lower abdomen.

"This is a badfic. You're supposed to get one without explanation." Roy said. Sure enough, without explanation, Alphonse found himself with a large metal cock.

"Damn that was fast." Al said. (20)

"Don't sweat the lack of continuity; just join in now, Al." Roy said.
Al eagerly got on his knees and began stroking Roy's balls while Ed continued to suck Roy. Roy then took Al's cock into his mouth and started sucking it.

"Mmm... Yea... This tastes good..." Roy said. (21) He continued to suck Al intensely as Ed sucked on Roy's boner. Roy couldn't get enough of Ed's cocksucking. However, Ed stopped it for a moment.

"Hey, when am I going to get my cock sucked?" Ed asked.

"But I can't get your dick in my mouth! It's too big to fit into the slot." Al said. "Besides, I'm your brother!"

"We've already done the incest thing back in chapter 1." Roy said, stopping his blowjob momentarily. "Let's try this instead." He then reached down and started masturbating Ed. They were like this for a while, and then switched around. Now Roy was sucking Ed's cock while getting blown by Al. (22) While all this was happening, the magic circle activated and started turning the piles of ingredients into Merichi stones. Well, they turned around once more.

"We should lube up first, right?" Ed asked.

"Well, if you insist. You get the same choices InuYasha had in Chapter 1." Roy said.

"Shit." Ed said.

"Well, that wasn't one of the choices, but that's what you're getting as a lube." Roy said. Ed was wide-eyed with terror.

"No - you're kidding - ah!" Ed stammered as Roy and Al lubed up with shit.

Ed got on his knees and spread his butt cheeks wide for Roy's eager boner. Roy then stuffed his throbbing rod into Ed's tight hole. Once inside, Al slid his metallic monster into Roy's eager ass.

"YEOW!!!!!!! BY THE GODS, THIS HURTS!!!!!!" Ed shouted.

"This is a badfic, Fullmetal! Ow! It's supposed to feel good!" Roy replied. (23)
"Oh... Well, in that case... OOOH YESSSSSS!!!!" Ed replied. He then started moaning as Roy reamed his ass. Meanwhile, Al was ramming Roy hard in the ass as well. They did this for a while, and then Roy pulled out.

"I'm cooooooooooming!!!!!" Roy shouted as he shot his foamy load of love all over Ed's backside. Shortly after that, Al pulled out and fired all over Roy with his sticky cum. Then Ed came, firing all over everything.

The three of them collapsed among 5 Merichi stones.

"Ooh... I felt the earth move." Roy said.

"I did too, Sir." Ed replied. (24)

"So that's what sex is like... I've always wondered." Al said.

"It was paradise." Roy said among the faint glow of the Merichi stones.

"We did it! The stones are Merichi stones!" Al said. "That means I can get my real body back now, doesn't it?"

"Well, not quite." Mary Sue said as she entered.

"What do you mean?" Al asked.

"Your body is toast. However, you'll always be able to inhabit that armor. You know, you might be able to transfer over into a robot that someone makes." Mary Sue said.

"You mean we did all that for nothing!?" Ed said.

"Not really, Eddie-kins. You did it for *me.*" Mary Sue said.

"That's no consolation." Ed replied. Mary Sue responded with a bitchslap to Ed's face.

"Men have killed for a shot at me, you fucking ingrate!!" Mary Sue snapped at Ed. "You *MUST* worship the ground I walk on!!"

"Ow!! Damn, woman! First you make me gay, then you want to jump my ass, freakin' make up your mind!" Ed replied as he nursed his jaw.

"I AM MARY SUE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! I ALWAYS GET WHAT *I* WANT!!" Mary Sue bellowed. "NOW STOP YOUR WHINING AND GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, SLAVE!!!"

"Goddamn crapfics." Ed said as he approached Mary Sue. She forced him to get on his knees.

"Beg, slave! Beg to eat my pussy." Mary Sue demanded.

"Do I really have to do this?" Ed asked. "I just want my Roy!"

"BEG!!!!" Mary Sue demanded, getting angry.

"Oh, please Mary Sue, you must forgive me." Mary Sue gave Ed a bitchslap.

"What did you call me!?" Mary Sue said icily.

"I'm sorry! Uh... Erm... What was I supposed to call you again?" Ed asked.

"Damn you are a fucking moron!!" Mary Sue snapped at Ed.

"I can't help it! There's always one character turned into an idiot in most badfics!" Ed replied. Mary Sue seethed silently and then pulled Ed up.

"Fuck. Well, you'd better satisfy me." Mary Sue said just before planting her lips on his.

When they parted, Ed was stunned.

"Well... that was... tolerable. Now let's get to the good stuff." Mary Sue said.

And thus did Mary Sue change Ed into a woman-desiring man. (25) They made love and held each other close.

"Hey, could you be more descriptive here!?" Mary Sue said with anger. Well then, they made mad, passionate love and held each other close.

"That's better." Mary Sue said. (26
She then stared at Ed, who had passed out on the ground.

"Wake up, you moron! I wanna hear how much you liked it!" Mary Sue said as she gave Ed a swift kick in the side. Ed woke up and looked at Mary Sue.

"What do you want?" Ed asked.

"You are a fucking ingrate." Mary Sue replied.

"Hey, you were the one who made me gay in the first place." Ed retorted.

"Fine! Just for that, I'm ending this story now, and you'll NEVER know if the Merichi stones work or not!" Mary Sue snapped back. With that, Mary Sue bamfed out of the place. (27) (28)

A/N: All right, I want 75 1/2 good reviews or I turn this story into an Ed Elric torturefic!! GIVE ME MORE GOOD REVIEWS, DAMNIT!!! (29)

(1) O.k., what kind of a disclaimer is this!? Where's the part about not owning the fandom? Where's the part about Hiromu Arakawa creating Fullmetal Alchemist? Where's the part about not being for profit? Yes, this was modeled on an actual disclaimer. Someone this unclear about what a disclaimer should be should not write fanfiction.
(2) Well, it's on AFF.net. DUH! Be a bit more descriptive with your summaries!
(3) Pretty vague description, isn't it? What's Mary Sue's hair and eye color? How tall is she? What are her sizes? Be a bit more descriptive here, people.
(4) Generic Mary Sue dialogue, right? It only drags the story down.
(5) It really isn't like Ed to use these slang terms, now is it?
(6) Of course, this being a badfic, Mary Sue *always* gets what she wants, right? However, this is a yaoi chapter...
(7) Watch out for keys that stick. This one really makes it look like he's trying to be seductive, doesn't it?
(8) Forgotten where they are, did we? Can't be bothered to scroll up and look? That sure shouts "I don't care about what I write."
(9) Using sexual prowess really doesn't work very well in real life. It seems to work mostly in bad porn films... And of course, bad fan fiction.
(10) It's Al and I! If you're reading this, you have access to the internet. You should go to a spell/grammar checking site and use it!
(11) Logic and bad fanfiction are often mutually exclusive terms. Your audience will appreciate it more if you make sense. The exception is when it's very funny, nonsensical fandoms like in Excel Saga or Pani Poni Dash!
(12) Eddie-kins? What kind of a nickname is that? Vapid of you ask me (and my beta.)
(13) Don't make tiny name changes to cannon and then call it your own! That CLEARLY shows that you are not creative. It's worse than ripping off someone else's fic!
(14) To quote Splintered Star: "That’s a horribly odd mental image. It makes me think his beard has stabbed him in the chest."
(15) This is a yaoi story, and the first mention of anything naughty is the exposure of tits!? I'm sure lots of hetro women will be turned on by that. [/sarcasm] Ed and Roy sure seem pretty blase about that, don't they?
(16) Dornbeasts come from the ancient videogame Beyond Zork. This was released in the early 1980's. The interociter is from the 1950's sci-fi movie This Island Earth. If you make an obscure reference, don't expect your audience to understand it.
(17) Forgotten who was talking already? That sure screams "I don't care."
(18) We don't really need this much description to something that's not that relative to the plot.
(19) Oh, Jeez. Can't you keep things straight around here!? It said that one had to have the souls of 1000 powerful alchemists to do this! Then again, Mary Sue *always* finds a way around the problem... Also, only in badfics does it *have* to involve sex. (I've heard this occurs frequently in the HP fandom.) Once something is set in stone, don't go changing it.
(20) This is a bit too convenient, don't you think? A nice little wtf moment.
(21) He sure is talking clearly for someone with a big metal penis in his mouth, isn't he? Don't get so wrapped up in the sex that you make silly mistakes like this. Besides, would a metal penis really taste great?
(22) There is something called continuity, people. If Al couldn't suck Ed's cock, why is it he can suck Roy's cock?
(23) O.k., I know most of you are too young to remember rectal thermometers, but I had one used on me. IT HURT. The anus was designed to be an exit point for waste products, not an entry point!
(24) Al is made of metal, so how can he have semen? There sure was a lot of semen there, wasn't there? Also, why is Ed calling Roy 'Sir' at this point? Finally, don't you think it's a bit cliche to have "the earth move" for everyone?
(25) Now, this is usually the reverse here. Gay people don't suddenly go straight that often. The explanation as to why is pretty lame at best. Not only that, cannon Ed would not take this much abuse.
(26) People are reading this for arousal and enjoyment. Skimping on the sex only cheats your audience out of what they want.
(27) All that plot buildup for this!? People, don't leave your audience hanging at the end of a story!
(28) A good rule of thumb is that the longer a chapter is, the worse it is.
(29) Nobody likes review whoring, but threatening your audience with something stupid like this is even worse. In addition, don't you think that many good reviews is a bit excessive? I don't even have 50 reviews for the 75+ stories I've published. Finally, a half a review? Are you wanting a review that half applauds you, and then the other half is honest?