Unlocking My Love

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: bad language
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creator of ‘Gravitation’.


Unlocking My Love: Chapter 11


Yuki glanced down at himself; shoes clean, trousers pressed, casual jacket hanging loose. Perhaps he should button it, make it a little more formal? No, he mentally shook his head at the thought. That wouldn’t make any difference.

He was dying for a cigarette, he hadn’t had one since leaving home, which was very unusual for him, but as he was coming to make his apologies he thought that perhaps he shouldn’t arrive reeking of smoke. Shuichi had never complained about his smoking but he did know that as a non-smoker he did not particular like it. So in an attempt to think from Shuichi’s point of view he had foregone his usual indulgence during the drive.

He scrubbed a hand through his hair then frowned at his own actions, making a quick effort to pat it back down so it still looked presentable. Damn it! All he was doing was fidgeting! He needed a fucking cigarette!

He took a deep breath, straightened his shoulders, and rapped sharply on the door. He concentrated on his breathing, trying to keep it slow and calm although he could feel his heartbeat begin to race. Was Shuichi home? Had he already left? Yuki’s stomach knotted at that thought. Shit! What if he had already gone?!

He raised his hand to knock again when he heard the rattle of a lock and the door swung open, and he found himself face to face with Shuichi. He saw the play of emotions chase across the young man’s face; surprise at his presence, suspicion which was sort of to be expected, and then the narrowing of the eyes as the flames of anger flared in them. He saw Shuichi’s lips press together tightly, forming a thin line, his brows draw down in a scowl, and the door begin to push close.

“Wait!” he said quickly, putting a hand out to halt the motion and pushing a foot forward also to try and jam it open.

Shuichi’s scowl grew fiercer.

“I just want to talk,” Yuki grated out, knowing he wasn’t exactly sounding like the supplicant that he was begging for mercy but he couldn’t help that. He just couldn’t bring himself to plead for forgiveness whilst he was standing in the hallway for anyone to see and hear!

He saw Shuichi hesitate a moment, saw the fingers flex on the edge of the door as though it was about to be forcibly slammed shut, whilst the other hand clenched into a fist. Okay, that is more what he had been expecting; Shuichi smashing him in the face or else kicking him in the balls.

“If you want to hit me, go ahead,” he said, not moving, determined not to release his hold on the door. Whatever happened he had to keep that door open, prevent it from closing and separating them. He knew that if he let that happen it would all be over, no going back. So no matter what occurred he had to stand fast and keep that barrier at bay. For whilst they were still able to see each, look in each other’s eyes, communicate in some way, there was just a chance that they might be able to work through this.

“But if you’re going to hit me, can you at least invite me in first and then kick the shit out of me? I don’t think your landlord would appreciate having to clean up the blood in the hallway and I’m sure you don’t want to attract any undue attention.”

He felt the pressure increase against his hand pressed against the door. He wasn’t getting through. If Shuichi threw all his weight behind that door he’d be pushed back and that would it. Or he would be unlucky enough that his foot would be caught in the door and his ankle broken. Either way he was screwed.

Suddenly the pressure eased as Shuichi stepped back, releasing the door and he half stumbled forward a few steps. Shuichi stayed well clear of him and the anger had not left his face.

“Say what you have to say then get out.” He turned away and moved off down the hall. “Close the door.”

Yuki carefully closed the door, although he was having a hard time keeping rein on his own building temper which was urging him to slam it shut loudly. He then turned and followed Shuichi into the room he had disappeared into.

When he entered he was surprised to find it was Shuichi’s bedroom. After what had happened last night he wouldn’t have thought that he would have wanted him anywhere near this kind of room with him. He watched as Shuichi moved around the room, opening drawers and closet, removing clothing. Other articles were already strewn over the bed; obviously he had interrupted him in the middle of his packing.

Shuichi kept his back turned. He couldn’t face this man. Even now he was regretting that moment of weakness that allowed him to enter his apartment.

Although he didn’t want to face him, it was also nerve-racking to keep his back turned as well after the events of the previous night. His nerves twitched, ears straining for every sound, trying to sense any change in air pressure that would indicate that Yuki had moved closer; that he was coming at him again.

He suppressed a shudder. Last night had brought up some other nasty memories. Thank goodness that Yuki had stopped when he had and nothing more had happened. He didn’t want Yuki’s face to be interchangeable with Taki’s and those others.

Still it had all been quite frightening, even though at the time he had been more angry than scared. Angry that Yuki had dared to even think that he could try something like that, that he could think for one moment that he would let him. Still, by the time he had returned home, thrown some cushions around violently which was far better than letting loose on more breakable items, he had calmed down enough to think it through a little better.

It was then that he realised that if things had been the same, it probably wouldn’t have been that bad. Yuki hadn’t actually hurt him. Not physically. He hadn’t even actually touched him, only used his body to crowd him against the wall. He had been about to kiss him, that was, oh, so very evident but he had stopped at the last moment. If they had been still together and nothing had changed, he would have let Yuki kiss him and it most definitely would have led to other things, of that he had no doubt. He knew what it had been like between them before. He knew what would have happened.

But things weren’t like before. That was the difference. He and Yuki were not together, they weren’t a couple and Yuki did not have the right to expect anything from him, or try and take it. Still, he had been glad that Yuki hadn’t actually touched him in any way. Not like before….with Taki.

Yet in some ways, it had almost felt worse than that time. Yuki’s sudden aggressive behaviour had shocked him. Not so much the drunkenness, but the raw emotion that seemed to be bubbling to the surface in the other man. That had been unexpected…and a little frightening.

He was angry at himself for having been so happy to be seeing Yuki that night. He had wanted to see the man, so what he had found had been more than a little upsetting. It wasn’t exactly the way he had envisioned the evening going. Certainly a far cry from a nice dinner, good conversation and, he had hoped, perhaps a small kiss?

He knew he was going to be leaving today and so had really wanted to see Yuki before doing so, and had hoped that the sudden invite had been because Yuki had wanted to see him as well before they were separated again.

Now, well, all it showed was that his impending departure wasn’t what had been on Yuki’s mind at all. He probably wasn’t even bothered by it, that’s if he had even thought of it. He had showed very clearly what he was interested in.

Shuichi felt a little ill again at that thought, just as he had last night when he had first got home. He had thought that what he and Yuki had been sharing over this past week was so much more, that they were actually going somewhere. Sure it wasn’t racing along like a bullet train, but it had seemed that they had been making some progress. He had thought it was a difficult for Yuki as it was for him, not knowing what to do, wondering if the past was clouding the present. Everything that seemed to be going so well. Right up to that small kiss they had shared.

Even now the thought of it warmed his cheeks although it didn’t reduce his anger. Obviously that small kiss had meant nothing at all to Yuki though. It had probably been nothing more than just a ploy to try and get past his defenses, make him think there was more there than there was. And he had almost been stupid enough to fall for it as well!

The hateful words that Yuki had shouted at him last night replayed through his mind and he ground his teeth. Oh, yes, he had made it quite clear that all he wanted was to just screw and that was it! He didn’t care about anything else!

Shuichi tried to get control over his roiling emotions. Calm, he had to keep calm. He couldn’t show any sign of weakness around this fiend! He felt nothing now but disgust. Yuki had no idea about anyone else’s feelings, not about anything, as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it. That in a way irked Shuichi the most, that Yuki couldn’t even wait for the right moment. He had no idea of romance, or caring about someone else! What a bastard!


“Hurry up, I don’t have all day,” Shuichi’s cold voice startled Yuki, more from the tone than the suddenness of it.

He licked his lips, although he refused to admit that they might be dry from nervousness. What to say? How to start? He rubbed a hand over his face trying to think of something, anything that wouldn’t just make things worse.

“Well?” Shuichi paused in his actions, turning to look at him, arms crossed firmly over his chest. His voice may have been cold but his glare was hot, hot enough to sear Yuki to the bone if it had been generating any real heat. Yeah, the brat was pissed at him. Well, he did have good reason this time, he grudgingly admitted.

“Are you going to hit me first?” Yuki finally asked.

“What?” Shuichi now looked surprised, and a little confused.

“Well,” Yuki leant against the doorframe. “If you are, I would rather know if I’m expected to try and talk afterwards through broken teeth, split lips, or a blood nose. Do you have some ice packs? I’ll get some ready if that’s the case.”

Shuichi was looking at him now as though he had completely lost his mind. Well, it was at least a little better than the constant glare, he supposed.

“Are you crazy?” Shuichi finally asked, looking at him a little closer although he didn’t move from where he was standing. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

“Not any more,” More’s the pity, he thought. At least if he was really drunk he could just pass out and not be putting himself through this misery.

“Really?” Shuichi turned away and folded a couple of more things into the bag on the bed. “So how drunk were you last night?”

“Very,” Yuki admitted. “And it got worse.”

“Worse?” Shuichi looked over his shoulder, surprise evident. “You kept drinking after that?”

“Apparently,” Yuki replied with a grimace.

His stomach suddenly gave a very dangerous lurch, churning loudly enough for them both to hear. He winced a little as he placed a hand over it. Sometimes he could swear that he could feel the acid eating away at his body.

“It’s playing up again?”

Oh, that’s right, Yuki suddenly realised. He doesn’t know that the ulcer had come back with a vengeance.

“Yeah,” was all he said. He didn’t want to make it sound like he was blaming Shuichi for his current medical problem.

“Are you taking your medication?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Shuichi snorted. “Right,” he said sarcastically, returning a couple of things back to the closet. “You never did take your medication correctly, always trying to avoid it which caused you half your problems. You’re probably still doing it.”

“No, I’ve been doing the right thing.” Yuki shrugged. “I just don’t like taking it.”

“We all have to do things we don’t like.”

“Yeah,”

Yuki watched as Shuichi carefully hung the three shirts he was holding, smoothing them down before closing the closet door. It was a far cry from the teenager who used to just dump his clothing in a pile in the corner and would just shake the creases out to wear it the next day.

“So are you still mad at me?”

“Yes,” Shuichi replied simply as he returned to his packing.

“You should be.”

“I know.”

There was silence for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

Silence again.

“For what?” Shuichi kept his back turned, although his voice was soft.

“For treating you like that. For blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. For taking things out on you because I’m pissed off with them. For being an asshole.”

“That’s a pretty long list.”

“Yeah, well, you know me. I don’t do things by halves.”

Yuki heard him give a soft chuckle. “Yeah, that at least is true.”

Suddenly Shuichi turned around to face him. “So why did you do that?” he asked bluntly, looking intently at him.

Yuki gnawed on his bottom lip for a moment, his brows drawing down in a frown. A part of him wanted to ignore Shuichi’s question, to avoid it completely as he would do for most people but he knew he was treading on very, very thin ice here. One false step and it would all be over.

“I’m a dickhead.”

“That goes without saying, but it doesn’t fully explain what happened last night.”

Yuki was amused at Shuichi’s off-handed way of accepting his comment. Damn it, the idiot really did have a backbone!

He took a deep breath and let it out, turning his head away. He couldn’t look in Shuichi’s eyes when he said this. It was too embarrassing. He knew he had done the wrong thing, but it didn’t make it any easier to actually admit it.

“I’d had a really bad day, work related,” he began, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I started drinking thinking it would make me forget it all, instead it just put me in a fouler mood.”

“Why did you do that? You knew that I was coming around.”

“I was only going to have a couple,” Yuki insisted. “But the worse my mood got, the more I kept drinking.”

“So why didn’t you call me and cancel?” Shuichi demanded. “I wasn’t going over there at that time of night to put up with your lousy crap!”

“I know!” Yuki almost shouted, now looking directly at Shuichi. They both glared at each other. “I know that. But I still wanted to see you!”

There, it was said. They remained where they were, eyes locked, each searching for the truth and uncertain still if they were finding it.

“If you were so interested in seeing me, why the fuck did you act like a psycho rapist?!!!”

This time Shuichi did move, closing the short distance between them and grabbing the throat of Yuki’s shirt, bunching it in one fist. He was too short to do anything as threatening as lift Yuki’s feet off the ground, but he could push him backwards which propelled them through the bedroom doorway until he was pressed back against the wall in the hallway, where Yuki’s back met it with a hard thump.

“Because I’m an idiot!” Yuki shouted right back, the force of his breath pushing Shuichi’s hair from his forehead. “I’m a fucking moronic loser, that’s why!”

He saw Shuichi’s lips twitch a little and then his head dropped so he could no longer see his face. He then heard the low laughter, saw the shoulders shake slightly as the pressure at his neck loosened. When Shuichi raised his head again, he could see the humour shining in the eyes.

“You know, I never thought I would hear the day when you would admit that you were a loser. And a moronic one at that.”

“And you won’t again,” Yuki growled, “so make the most of the moment.”

“Oh, I am. I just wish I had recorded it. I would love to have it and play it back to you whenever you get out of hand again.”

Yuki caught his breath at that last statement. Could it be…..

“Again?” was all he managed to say, that one word asking a multitude of questions that he was afraid to voice.

Shuichi let him go and stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest again although this time he was no longer scowling, if anything he looked a little sad. “Do you really find it that hard to be around me?” he asked in an even voice.

“No!” Yuki blurted out.

“But you said last night…”

“No, look, just forget it.”

“I can’t,” Shuichi’s quiet tone stopped Yuki. He was right. He couldn’t just forget it. Yuki had said it, now it was up to him to make him understand.

Yuki ran a hand through his hair again, not caring that it was beginning to stick up on end which is how it usually looked after he had been hard at work in his office. Shuichi was amused by this but refrained from saying anything.

“Look, yes, I’ll admit that it’s…hard to be around you sometimes. But it’s not because I don’t want to be. That’s the problem. No, it’s not a problem. What I mean is that it’s my problem because I just want more from you.”

“Like sex.”

“Yes, I mean, no. I mean…oh, shit!” Yuki snarled and swung back-hand so his fist slammed into the wall at his side.

He tried to get a grip on his thoughts and words. This was so important, he had to try and get Shuichi to understand him properly. “I want us to be together again. Like we were before, that’s what I mean. And, yes, if you want to know if that means sex, then yes it does. We did do that before, remember?”

“I remember,”

Yuki couldn’t tell from his tone if that was a good or bad memory for him and he wasn’t too sure he wanted to know.

“That’s why it’s sometimes hard for me to be around you. I want it to be the same as it used to be and sometimes when we’re together it almost seems like that again but then something happens or something gets said and I suddenly realise that it’s all different.”

“But things are different,”

Yuki felt himself go cold all over. Was Shuichi telling him that it was over, already? Again? Was he saying that he didn’t want to get back together?

“Yuki, the sooner you understand this the better it will be for both of us. We can’t go back.”

Yuki watched as Shuichi turned and re-entered the bedroom, striding across to the bed and picking up some clothing and this time just stuffing it into the bag. He couldn’t move from the spot he stood, frozen there in despair.

Shuichi continued to speak. “A lot has happened, Yuki. To me. I’ve done a lot of different things and I’ve done them on my own. I’m not the same as I was when I left here last.”

He turned slowly and sat on the bed, looking through the door at where Yuki still stood. His face was sad. “You don’t seem to be able to see that. You keep wanting your ‘old Shuichi’ back but I’m not him anymore. I’m me - here and now is the person I am. But you don’t see that.”

“I…” Yuki swallowed to clear his throat and walked slowly forward, cautiously entering the room but pausing again just over the threshold. “I know you’re not the same.”

“Then why do you still keep trying to keep me the way I was?” Shuichi looked up at him. “Why do you still seem to always be chasing after a dream from the past? I’m right in front of you now!”

Yuki took another couple of steps forward, paused again, and then slowly seated himself beside the young man, keeping a distance between them.

“You’re probably right,” he finally admitted, almost whispering. “I am probably still seeing you as you once were.” He glanced over at his partner. “I….find it hard to know what the changes are in you. I wasn’t around to see those changes. I wasn’t there with you.”

“I know,” Shuichi replied softly, hands loosely clasped between his knees.

“It’s not that I don’t like you the way you are now,” Yuki continued. “I do. I know there are changes; every time I see you or speak to you I notice them but I’m just not sure how to…respond. I used to know exactly what you would do or say to things, now it is all a mystery.”

“Is that really that bad?” Shuichi looked over at him.

Yuki scratched at his cheek absently. “Not bad, exactly. Unnerving.”

“Is that what’s giving you an ulcer?”

“Among other things.”

“Oh,”

Great, now he’s done it! Yuki mentally slapped himself. “No, what I mean is that it started up when you went missing.”

“Sorry,”

“What are you sorry for, idiot?” Yuki snapped back. “Did you plan to blow the plane up or something?”

“Not exactly,” Shuichi said with a crooked smile.

“So you’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”

“But you’re sick because…”

“It’s not because of you,” Yuki said firmly. “It’s because I am making myself sick about you. There is a difference. Maybe if I had more faith in you and wasn’t so damn impatient then I wouldn’t be worrying so much about it all so I wouldn’t have an ulcer.”

“Is that what you really think?”

Yuki shrugged. “Just came up with it the theory, but it’s as good a hypothesis as anything, don’t you think?”

Shuichi laughed. “Yeah, guess so.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Does that answer your question?” Yuki finally asked.

This time it was Shuichi’s turn to rake his fingers through his hair, letting out his breath in a whoosh. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore what question I really want to have the answer to even.”

“You and me both.” Yuki admitted.

Shuichi laughed again and got to his feet with a bounce that jiggled Yuki where he still sat. He smiled down at him. “So do we take it that we’ve sorted things out about last night?” he said.

Yuki looked up at him steadily. “Are you happy with it as it stands? Is there anything else you want to ask me?”

Shuichi thought about it a moment and then shook his head. “Nah,” he finally said. “I don’t think we’re going to get much more out of it if we just keep rehashing it.”

“Perhaps,” Yuki agreed, standing.

“However,” and Shuichi stabbed his chest with a finger, glaring up at him. “You need to back off and remember that I am not the same as I was. We can’t just fall back into everything the way it used to be. If you can’t accept that then you have to walk away now. That’s your choice.”

Yuki looked down into the upturned face, seeing the absolute conviction there in what he was saying. “I’m staying.” he replied.

“even if things don’t go any further than just good friends? Can you accept that?”

Yuki felt the fear rise in his chest. Had Shuichi already decided and wanted to prepare him for complete rejection?

“Hey, Yuki, don’t stress,” Shuichi suddenly said, patting his chest. “Calm down. I’m just saying, okay? That’s all. I can’t see into the future. I just want to know if you think we could be friends if that happened, whether it’s tomorrow or twenty years from now.” He suddenly smiled broadly. “Although I would love to see what you’re going to look like middle-aged, with a potbelly and wrinkles!”

Yuki frowned in mock anger. “And you would still be a hyperactive twerp, only moving a little slower.”

“Probably,” Shuichi agreed happily. “So,” and he grew serious again. “Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah, I’m okay with that.”

“Good,” He turned back to his bag, dropped one last item into it then zipped it closed. ‘And no more doing that stupid drinking, yelling and sex crap that you pulled last night!”

“I said I was sorry,”

Shuichi snorted, “Which you will probably forget as soon as you walk out the door!”

“You sure you don’t just want to hit me and get it out of your system.” Yuki said a little sarcastically.

Shuichi smiled at him. “Nah, I’d hate to mess up that pretty face.”

Yuki felt himself flush at the sudden compliment. “Shut up,”

“That’s my Yuki!” Shuichi slung the bag up on his shoulder. “Come on, I’ve got to go.”

Go? Oh, that’s right, it was the tour. Yuki had completely forgotten about it. He felt his stomach flip over again. That meant that Shuichi was going to be gone for the next three weeks. He would be alone again. What if Shuichi changed his mind once he was away?

He silently followed Shuichi out of the room to the front door, silently watching as the other grabbed keys, phone and wallet from the hall, slipping on a jacket and shoes.

“That’s it,” Shuichi said, “Got everything?”

“Yes,” Yuki replied shortly, having already put his own shoes on.

He stepped through the door first, waiting as Shuichi locked it securely behind them and they made their way down the stairs, side by side. Yuki didn’t know what to think. Shuichi didn’t seem that concerned that he was leaving. It didn’t seem to bother him that they would be parted, even so soon after their just recent reconciliation. Was he really not that worried about it? Did that mean he had more confidence in their budding rocky relationship, or was it that he didn’t even see it as such so why would he be worried about this separation? Yuki wished he really knew what he was thinking. He could ask, sure he could. But he was very wary about raising anything that may ignite their troubles again. He didn’t want Shuichi to think that he was trying to pressure him again.

They reached the ground floor and Yuki could see a taxi waiting outside. Obviously Shuichi had pre-booked it, or most likely Tohma had. As he watched Shuichi toss his bag to the far side of the back seat he found himself wishing that he would ask him to accompany him. It’s not like he really could just up and go, it’s not like he was some ‘groupie’ or something, but it would have been nice if Shuichi had at least asked. Guess he was hoping for too much, too soon. He would have to learn to be content with the small crumbs he was given to sustain him till next time. But at this moment, three weeks seemed a long, long time.

Shuichi paused for a moment as he was getting into the taxi. “Well, that’s it.” He smiled warmly at Yuki. “I’m glad we had this talk. I didn’t want things to be like they were.”

“Neither did I.”

“I know it’s hard because things aren’t the same as before, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t keep working towards something new. However we’ll only get there if we keep trying to return to what once was. We have to begin afresh, don’t you think so?”

Yuki gazed down into his face, memorizing this moment. “I want to. I’m just not sure I know how to do that.” he finally admitted.

Shuichi reached up and gently patted his cheek, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out together.”

He slipped into the taxi and closed the door firmly, winding the window down and leaning out. “See you later, Yuki!” he called out as the vehicle sped away.

Yuki raised one hand silently, not trying to call out over the traffic noise. He stood there watching until the taxi was gone from sight, swallowed up by the steady stream of vehicles filling the street. He let out the breath he had been holding, feeling suddenly very, very tired and wrung out.

He turned and began to make his way back to where his car was parked. It would be a long trip home and already he was finding he was missing Shuichi. Already it seemed the gulf was widening between them. He tried to push these irrational fears down, squashing them but they didn’t quite go away completely. If this was how he was feeling now, how bad would he be feeling after three weeks?