To the Moon and Back

Chapter 11



In a train heading out of Tokyo...



Nowaki stared out of the glass windows of the train, watching blurred images just fly pass him, letting the world pass him by. He simply did not care anymore. Everything seemed to have lost its brilliance, the sparkling shine that came with each new day, new experience and new place. Hiro-san had made his world complete...



He had never really fought for much before he met Hiro-san, he was content to live a peaceful simple life, where his priorities lay in just surviving. He did not dare to dream or wish for something better, for what use were dreams and hopes for an orphan, who had no parents’ love or protection. He had to do without such idealistic thoughts, and just concentrate on the hard facts of reality; what he had to do to ensure a roof over his head, food, and a decent existence. Don’t get Nowaki wrong, he did not hate living, or lack the zest for life, or was a hardened emotionless person having faced so many obstacles so early in his life, but rather that having the need to survive imbedded into his lifestyle and mindset at such an early age at the orphanage, that was the only way he knew how to live.



Until the day he met Hiro-san. Seeing Hiro-san crying in the park so despondently, Nowaki could not quell the surge of protectiveness that came forth. Being a loving and friendly person, he always tried to be nice and warm to everyone he met, but never had he felt such a yearning to protect someone from harm, so that he would never cry like that again. It stunned him, and fascinated him at the same time, and he knew he had to get to know that person better.



Once he got to know Hiro-san better, Nowaki finally understood that Hiro-san would put up a tough shell around him and acting all mean and fierce, while in actual fact that shell was incredibly cracked and weak, and the inside was fragile and transparent. The seemingly unobtainable cold person, was actually a warm, loving person, albeit the fact that he was rather socially inept and struggled to show emotions or his affection. This fuelled the fascination and obsession, and it made him fall for his Hiro-san, a man so wonderful and deserving of love, but had never been cherished and loved the way he should, and since that day, Nowaki had loved Hiro-san with all his heart.



It has been over five months since Hiro-san left, and Nowaki still couldn’t figure out why he left, and where he went. He had searched everywhere he could think of in Tokyo, but it seemed as though Hiro-san had just vanished off the face of the earth. Nowaki was at his wits end...



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Two days later...



Hiroki was heading into the hospital for his second last dose of chemotherapy. His muscles screamed in agony as he struggled with the small flight of stairs up the hill, atop which the hospital sat. He realised too late that he should have just taken a cab to the hospital since he had rejected his mother’s offer of company, instead of trying to save money and taking the subway. He was incredibly dizzy as it is, and his vision was swimming, and now he was really tired from the short walk and climb to the hospital. But Hiroki had nothing left, except his pride, and he refused to show such signs of weakness and ask for assistance. He had realised sometime in the last few months that subconsciously one of the reasons why he left Nowaki was because of his pride.



Firstly, he refused to be a burden on Nowaki. The fact that he would damage Nowaki’s career opportunities aside, he refused to be taken care by Nowaki as though he was an invalid (just like his parents were treating him at the moment). Secondly, he fundamentally was rather concerned about appearances, always making the effort to appear neat and well-groomed. The thought of Nowaki seeing him all sick and frail, throwing up constantly with vomit all over him, and now his loss of hair... it was a disgusting wretched feeling. He did not want any pity, and seeing it in the eyes of his parents was bad enough, Hiroki thought that he would want to die if he ever saw that in Nowaki’s eyes. All he ever wanted to see that was that shining love and warmth. The look he remembered in those eyes, was what kept him going through the worst days.



Sighing, Hiroki gripped the railing of the stairs tightly and leaned on it for a moment, hoping it would make the swirling effect of his dizziness go away. He swiped at the sweat that dripped down his face and pushed the beanie on his head further up. It was in the middle of summer, and having to wear the beanie was excruciating in the heat. He hated it, but he had no choice. His hair had started to fall out in earnest after the fifth or sixth chemotherapy session, leaving bald patches and a sparse head of hair now at this point of time. He hated seeing himself in the mirror, but yet he could not bear to shave his head bald either. So he continued torturing himself with his horrible reflection, and the fallen strands of hair that covered the floor of his room. He felt like a cat shedding fur sometimes.



Gritting his teeth, Hiroki finally managed to haul himself up the stairs, and walked slowly into the hospital. He sighed tiredly at the thought of having to go through another round of chemotherapy again. It was really tortuous on him, and if the treatment did not work this time, he did not know if he had the willpower and strength to go through another round again. Resignedly, he took the lift to the oncology department, and went to the nurse station to obtain his treatment room number, before he proceeded to start another painful hour of chemotherapy.



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An hour later, Hiroki lay his head tiredly back on the head rest of e seat he was sitting in. The nurse was removing the long thick needles that had been imbedded in his elbow, feeding the chemicals into his body. He was exhausted, and he could feel the chemicals starting to take effect. It was a nauseating feeling. Gripping the handrests of the seats tightly, he slowly raised his fragile body out of the seat.



A wave of dizziness suddenly hit him, and he staggered unstably as he tried to walk. The nurse quickly rushed to Hiroki’s side to lend a helping hand, holding on to his arm gently. Embarrassed by his act of weakness, Hiroki shooed her away, politely at first, but resorted ultimately to his infamous acidic glare when she refused to let go. Grumbling and muttering under his breath, Hiroki insistently made his way down the hospital corridor unassisted. It was bad enough he was being smothered by his parents at home, he refused to be treated like an invalid in public.



As Hiroki made his way slowly down the corridor, waves of nausea and dizziness hit him constantly, leaving him more dazed and weak with each step he took. Suddenly, it became all too much for poor Hiroki, and he stumbled and slammed into the wall. Groaning loudly, he slid down the wall, crumpling onto the floor.



Hiroki’s vision swam as he struggled to maintain his consciousness, when all of a sudden, he felt two large and warm hands grabbing him gently, and a oh-so-familiar voice speak gently to him.



‘Sir, are you ok? Are you a patient here? Do you need to see a doctor?’



Even though his mind did not believe his ears, Hiroki’s heart knew that it had met its other half again, and immediately recognised the voice and the touch. Hiroki raised his eyes slowly, hesitant and afraid... afraid of disappointment, afraid that it wasn’t really him, but merely his ears playing a cruel trick on him, and at the same time afraid it was him, that he was going to meet him in such a wretched state.



When chocolate brown eyes met midnight black eyes, as clichéd as it sounds, time seemed to stop. There was no way in hell Hiroki would ever forget those eyes; those wonderful loving deep eyes. And as recognition slowly crept into the black eyes, together with questions, hurt, pain and so much more, Hiroki could not tear his eyes away from that of his ex-lover, the man he loved more than anything or anyone else.



‘Hiro-san...’



He was finally back in Nowaki’s arms, after all this time... but this was not how he wanted Nowaki to find out, now what he wanted Nowaki to see. NO! He could not let Nowaki see him like this.



Wrenching himself out of Nowaki’s arms, Hiroki scrambled away from Nowaki, quickly stammering, ‘Who are you talking about? You must have gotten the wrong person. Sorry. I’m fine, I don’t need your help. Thank you. Goodbye.’



Finding the last burst of strength in him, Hiroki shot up, and turned around and desperately half ran half stumbled his way down the wall.



‘HIRO-SAN! WAIT! COME BACK!’



Hiroki could hear Nowaki shouting urgently behind him and it was getting nearer with each passing second. No, he could not let Nowaki catch up with him. Then, everything would be out. He could not let that happen. Digging into his limited reserves, as his vision swam and blurred, he made the last final dash to the taxi stand, jumped the queue, shot into a waiting taxi, and screamed at the taxi driver to take off.



Just as the taxi driver hurriedly pulled away from the hospital, Hiroki could see Nowaki sprinting out of the hospital on those long legs of his, and desperately searching for him. Sinking low into the seat, Hiroki prayed silently that Nowaki did not see him, and foolishly hoped that Nowaki would think that he was merely a stranger, and that it had been a misunderstanding.



With the blink of an eye, Hiroki had reached his house. Dazedly, he paid the taxi fare and stumbled into his house before another wave of nausea hit him again. He barely made it to the toilet before he threw everything up into the toilet bowl. Finally, after retching till his throat was all hurting and raw, the nausea seemed to subside, leaving Hiroki feeling emptier and more wretched than he ever felt in his life.



Large fat tears rolled unbidden down his cheeks as the reality of the whole mess that was his life and Nowaki hit him. He could not believe how painful it was to see Nowaki again after so many months. Raking through his memory, he conjured up the image of Nowaki he had before him for those few precious seconds. Nowaki looked thin and gaunt, with dark shadows below the dark eyes he had been staring into. Was he not taking care of himself? Was he working too hard? He looked way too unhealthy, but still the best thing he had seen in the last five months.



A sharp pain shot through his heart, leaving him clutching the material of his shirt just over his heart, and curling up on the cold tiled floor in a foetal position. He sobbed unconsciously into his hand, pouring out all that he felt. After all the torture of the last five months, he had thought himself numb and incapable of feeling pain anymore, but just one meeting with Nowaki brought all the emotions flooding back. The pain of deceiving and leaving him, the missing and the love he still had for Nowaki, it all hit him at one go, leaving Hiroki crippled from the emotional pain.



And so that was how he remained for a long time, curled up on the floor. He cried till his tears ran dry, and so all he could do was to stare emptily into space before slipping into an uneasy sleep. Awake, his thoughts were consumed by what was he to do about Nowaki and the possible situations that could arise. Asleep, his dreams too consisted of Nowaki, of the happy and sad times, together and apart.



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Merry Christmas my friends! I’ve been really rather angsty about alot of things lately.. but while this chapter isn’t as angsty as my usual standards I feel, don’t worry, more angsty chapters to come for us masochistic ppl. Haha. Hope you guys had a great holiday. REVIEWS WOULD BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME! I will love you all to the moon and back then! (; xxx