The Time For Change Is Now

Disclaimer: Although I would *love* to own these boys (so that I could make them cry, obviously), I don’t.

A/N: Sorry to make so many of you so sad with the last chapter. I seem to have an affinity for making people cry…must be the sadist in me. But yeah…I didn’t
think I would cry either. I’ve never cried over anything that I’ve written, even the stuff everyone else seemed to cry over…I just thought it was an author thing. But
no…the last chapter made me cry like the little bitch that I am. Just a few notes before we begin the next chapter.

I received a review stating one particular reader’s desire for JJ’s happy ending. Now, as pleased as I am to hear from a JJ enthusiast…as there are so few…I
wanted to make it clear that I am no more inclined to give JJ a happy ending than I am Ryo – for the wrong reasons. I won’t give Ryo a happy ending simply
because ‘he belongs with Dee and that’s just the way things should be.’ However, I also won’t give JJ a happy one just because he never gets one any other time. I
do thank you for the review, though, and I couldn’t agree more that anyone who wants the saccharine laced traditional Dee/Ryo ending can find it almost anywhere
else. I’ve tried to do something different here, and my integrity won’t let me throw in a misplaced sweet ending, with Ryo *or* JJ.

THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT REVIEWS! You guys really are amazing, and you’re the driving force behind this fic – it’s what gives me the push to get it all
written when the lazy bug threatens to bite. So keep reading, and I will keep writing. We’re near the home stretch now, with only aprox. 5 more chapters to go
(including this one)…and there is still much to be discovered.

Has the pairing been revealed, you ask? Not on your life.

Chapter 12……….The Solutions. Solution #1: How We Deal
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Under normal circumstances, Dee would’ve sped out of the parking lot – he was infamous for his lead foot. Tonight, however, drained of all his energy and feeling as
though he’d been hit by a truck…twice…he found himself driving well beneath the designated speed limit.

He kept the radio off, the cacophony in his brain providing more than enough noise. Part of him wasn’t surprised. In the two years he’d been chasing after Ryo he
had always reserved a place in his mind for cynicism. It was his protection – the part of him that refused to get his hopes up.

Regardless of whatever protection he might have had, another, larger, part of Dee felt so miserable that breathing was an effort too great to undertake. He’d known
that things might have turned out this way before he even made the decision to go over to Ryo’s…but somewhere…some part of him thought that
maybe…maybe…

Dee growled, wiping at the last of tears to fall from his traitorous eyes. He didn’t cry often, and the weak feeling it gave him was unwelcome. He roughly shoved a
cigarette into his mouth and lit it, letting the smoke nestle into his lungs – poisonous and seductive – before expelling it and repeating the process all over again.

The situation was what it was, and Dee refused to wallow in his grief. He’d done that for far too long…and now it was over. He figured that if he told himself that
enough times he might convince his stubborn brain…or heart…or whichever organ it was that currently felt like it had been run through.

He didn’t want to go home. That irritating and barren dwelling wasn’t his home in any case. A home was supposed to feel warm…like sunshine on your face or
warm blankets on a cold morning. Dee didn’t *have* a home…he never really had.

He turned the corner heading for JJ’s without much preamble. He didn’t know what he was going to say to the sniper, but knew he couldn’t be alone just then.
Hopefully JJ would understand and refrain from pushing him too far, too fast. Hopefully JJ would give him what he needed…a place to call home.

****************************************

Ryo finally pulled himself off of the floor. He’d planned it out in his head – he was going to take steady, sure steps into his bedroom, remove his clothes, take a
shower and just go to *sleep*.

He’d only gotten a few of the steps in before an emotion su up up inside him, causing him to swagger. It felt like an extreme sadness laced with little perilous
threads of jealousy, disappointment, self-loathing and rage. He stopped dead in the middle of the living room, unable to continue on towards his bedroom. He leaned
a hand out to steady himself on the end table by the couch, catching his breath before a new round of sobs took over his body.

Ryo was a strong man. He had a nice, sculpted physique but his lissome form belied the true strength he possessed. He nearly matched Dee in sheer power, despite
the other man’s obvious physical advantage. There were few times that anyone might witness Ryo’s strength, as it took quite a lot to provoke him.

He thought for a moment; he remembered Dee’s face as he left and the slump in the man’s usually proud shoulders as he’d walked out to his car. He wondered
where he was, what he was doing. It occurred to him then that Dee was probably with JJ – right where he himself had sent him.

Ryo didn’t think anymore. He watched his hand move as though it belonged to someone else, feeling numb…like he had left his body behind somewhere in search of
a less painful corporeal form. Nevertheless, it *was* his arm that shot out at a lightning speed, sweeping across the end table and sending everything residing there
crashing to the floor. The antique vase flew all the way into the opposite wall before shattering and hitting the floor in significantly more pieces than before. This other
self, the one that reacted so forcefully when the kinder, gentler Ryo could no longer take keeping *everything* in, only made himself known once in a very, very long
while. And he wasn’t content with just sweeping the surface clean. He grabbed for the table itself next, flipping it over and giving it a swift kick into the wall before
leaving it lying there. Had it been a living creature it might have been a grand death scene, and Ryo could have wrapped it into his arms, professing how very sorry he
was and how he didn’t want to be left alone.

As it was…it was still just a table…

…and Ryo was still very much alone.

***************************************************

JJ sat on his bed, loosely holding the remote in his trembling hand. He had moved his television into the bedroom earlier in the day after leaving work, as Dee had
suggested. If he had to lie around in bed, he needed something to distract him. Otherwise he would have been making himself worse, stressing over Dee’s visit with
Ryo. The thought still plagued him, and nothing on TV seemed to hold his interest. He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. The anxiety was eating at him and he
cursed himself for getting sick, as it prevented him from getting out and doing something productive to bide his time.

His hands never shook. He was a sharp shooter and a steady hand was necessary for him to do his job. But when it came to Dee Laytner – it seemed that *none*
of his body parts did what he told them to. His fever was gone, thanks to the miracle that is Tylenol, but he still felt horrible. Both his body and his mind felt like they
had been slammed into a washing machine on spin cycle.

He heard a knock on the door and immediately jolted up into a sitting position. Knowing it was Dee he threw the covers off and hit the power button on the remote.
He all but flew into the living room, ready to see the man’s face again when a thought struck him.

There were only three things Dee could have come to say…and two of them weren’t good. He could tell him that they were still in limbo, frustrating, damnable
limbo. He could tell him that it was over with Ryo…but JJ didn’t think he was dead, and thus, doubted he’d gone to heaven. Or he could have come to tell him
goodbye. If Ryo finally gave in, he doubted the half-Japanese man would be very approving of their ‘friendship’.

He couldn’t will his legs to move, the fear creeping up the back of his neck and choking him. He debated not answering it – just pretending to be asleep. Then in the
morning he could pack his things and move to Zimbabwe. He got angry at the thought – he’d never fancied himself a coward, and he’d have to face the music
eventually.

Steeling his resolve, he marched determinedly to the door, unlocking it and swinging it open while keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Silence met him for longer
than he was comfortable with before Dee’s voice floated down to him.

“Can I come in?”

Something in Dee’s voice caused JJ’s head to snap up. He ignored the thump of pain it caused his stuffed up head. Dee sounded…broken. He took one look at his
normally handsome face and saw the sadness etched into every pore. His eyes were tired and swollen – he looked so very human. JJ’s mind raced through the
thought that his expression no doubt meant that things had not gone well with Ryo. He realized that such despondency also confirmed how very much his would be
lover cared for the man that had obviously stabbed him in the heart.

He lurched forward, body yet again overriding mind, and wrapped his arms around Dee’s neck. When he felt Dee’s strong arms wrap around him and squeeze
tightly he knew that he hadn’t embraced him because he was relieved that Ryo had broken his heart, sending him back to him – he knew it was because Dee needed
it, and JJ would give it to him, no matter what the reason. Dee sighed deeply buriburied his head in the crook of the smaller man’s neck.

They stayed like that for quite some time.

*****************************************************

Ryo managed to pull himself together. He surveyed the damage to his apartment and immediately felt annoyed for letting his emotions run rampant in such a primitive
way. He knew he needed to clean the mess up, and staring at it only reminded him that he’d lost control. But Ryo couldn’t bring himself to do it. He looked at the
clock – he still had a fair amount of time before Bikky would be back. He dragged himself to his bathroom to take a long, hot bath.

The water was scalding but Ryo forced himself to lay down into the tub. His skin grew used to the heat quickly and he laid back, closing his eyes and breathing in the
steam that rose up off the water. The warmth eased the ache in his muscles but did nothing for the pain he felt in his…heart?....mind? He wondered why they called it
‘heartache’ – the heart was just a muscle, after all. It was responsible for many different important things – blood flow, for example – but love was not on its
impressive resumé of responsibilities. The mind seemed more appropriate – the organ in charge of human thought. Emotion came from the mind as well, so it seemed
fitting that love would be born there. ‘Mindache’ just didn’t have the same ring to it, though.

Ryo thought that such analytical musings debased what he was feeling. Maybe love was something that didn’t come from any organ…maybe it came from the soul.
The soul, like love was intangible and their actual existence was debatable.

Maybe they both belonged somewhere between reality and idealism with another idea – untouchable yet undeniable as well – faith.

Wherever it came from, whatever it was – heart, mind, soul – it was broken.

How do you mend something you can’t even touch?

**************************************************

“Come inside” JJ whispered finally.

He felt Dee nod against him and slowly pull away. They entered the apartment and Dee took off his coat, tossing it over a chair. JJ watched him quietly for a moment
before turning to head towards his bedroom.

“I was just lying around. Let me get a blanket and we’ll talk.”

“No” Dee called “You need your rest, being sick and all…I’ll just come in there. If that’s okay.”

JJ smiled and nodded, signaling for Dee to follow him. He crawled back under the covers, pleased at the warmth. He pushed himself up so that he could lean against
the headboard and watched Dee sit down near the foot of the bed, facing him.

“I’m sorry for bothering you when you’re sick…I just…didn’t want to go home.”

JJ sighed. “Stop doing that. You should know by now that you’re never bothering me.” He wanted to ask what happened, but didn’t want to upset the other man.
He fed Ded Dee would tell him when he was ready.

Apparently Dee was ready. “I did it…I gave him an ultimatum.”

“And?” JJ thought he knew the answer, but confirmation didn’t hurt.

“And he told me he wasn’t ready.”

JJ let out a puff of air and moved his foot to rub against the side of Dee’s leg through the covers. “I’m sorry…you know…if you need more time…if you think
things’ll change with more time…”

Dee shook his head. “It’s been too long already, JJ. If he’s not ready now, he never will be. You can’t give a person a deadline to love you – they either do or they
don’t. I just wish I’d realized that sooner…”

JJ found himself hating Ryo even more than before for putting Dee in such a state. It wasn’t like the man hadn’t known how Dee felt about him – if he was going to
turn him down he should have done it years ago. He straightened a little and held his arms out.

“Come here.”

Normally Dee would have made a smart remabouabout such a motherly gesture. This night, however, the arms looked more than inviting and Dee needed the
contact. He crawled to the head of the bed and leaned into JJ, remaining on top of the blankets.

JJ just held him there, Dee’s head tucked beneath his own. Dee didn’t cry, but his breaths were slow and ragged, as though he were fighting tears. Eventually he
slipped down, resting his head on JJ’s lap and toying with the edge of one of the blankets. JJ reached a hand down to run it through his silky black hair, letting his
nails scrape against his scalp.

Dee closed his eyes at the comforting feeling. It felt good…to be stroked, touched. They were silent for a long time, JJ content to pet his sempai and Dee just
enjoying the feeling of being close to another person. Keeping his eyes closed, Dee brought something up he hadn’t planned on mentioning.

“He asked me if I love you.”

JJ’s hand stilled its movement and Dee felt him tense. His voice was a whisper. “What…what did you tell him?”

“The truth” Dee quietly replied, opening his eyes. “That I don’t know…that I might.”

JJ tried to absorb the information. A part of him felt a small pang of disappointment, while another part of him felt something that went beyond happiness. He had
never imagined that he would be there, with Dee in his lap surrounded by the warm comfort of domesticity. Before Ryo came along he’d thought that he might have
been able to get Dee into his bed if given the time and had been content to take whatever he could get. But this, whatever it was that they’d developed, was more
than he had ever hoped for and JJ figured that the possibility that Dee *could* love him, if he didn’t already, was enough. His hand resumed its stroking and Dee
relaxed again.

“Listen” JJ said “I’m sorry if I messed things up for you. Well…I’m not sorry, really, because I can’t bring myself to be sorry for doing anything that brings you
nearer to me. I know that’s pretty selfish…but…I do apologize if this has caused you any pain. I would never hurt you…ever.”

Dee reached his hand up, placing it atop JJ’s and stopping its movement. He flipped over, so that his head still rested on JJ’s lap, but now he was facing the sniper.

“Please don’t ever be sorry. No matter how things had turned out, you gave me something no one else has ever been able to – faith in myself. You’ve reminded me
of all the things that make me *me* and I’d almost lost all that. You convinced me that I am worth something and I can’t imagine where my life would have gone if
you hadn’t done all those things. Thank you…and if anything…*I’m* sorry I didn’t give you a chance sooner.”

JJ’s smile lit up his whole face and his hand began raking through Dee’s hair once more. No more words passed between them, and this time the silence was a
tranquil one.

********************************************************

The soft robe slipped from Ryo’s shoulders and he quickly grabbed for his pajamas, his skin extra sensitive to the cold after such a hot bath. He needed to go out
and clean the living room, but needed to get something things off his chest first.

After he finished dressing he crawled onto his bed, propped against the headboard. He reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out the writing tablet he kept
there, along with a pen. He had kept a journal many years earlier and had always found it to be a good outlet for his feelings. This time though, he wrote in the form
of a letter.

His fingers wrote furiously, the thoughts coming too fast for his hand to keep up. The handwriting was sloppier than usual, but still legible. Ryo’s usual script was
meticulously neat and this looked more like the scrawl most males seemed to have. When he was done, he leaned his head back, reading over all that he had written.

Dee,

I’m not sure, exactly, why I’m writing this, as you’ll never read it. I suppose I just need to get some things off my chest. You were here earlier. I can’t
decide what hurts more…the pain of watching you leave for the last time or the knowledge that I hurt you so badly. I want you to know that I didn’t
mean it.

I asked you here to tell you that I figured everything out. I figured out that I want you…that I love you. But you told me about JJ and I believed you when
you said you thought that you and he might have a chance. Although I can say now with conviction that I do love you and that I want you by my side I
can’t tell you that I can give you what he can. I can’t tell you that I’ll ever be as comfortable with what I am as he is. I can’t promise you unending
devotion in the face of fear and societal rejection. I can promise to love you…but I can’t promise to do without the safety of closed doors. JJ can give you
that…and you deserve it.

I might have been able to work on that. I might have been able to improve, given time…but…I have to leave soon. Rose set it up for me to go upstate for
nine months to teach a sharp shooting class. He didn’t give me any choice and Bikky and I are supposed to leave in two days. Nine months is a long time,
Dee. I know that, if I had told you, you would have demanded to wait for me. I can’t let you do that. You’re right – you do have a chance for happiness
now, and after already making you wait for so long, I won’t do that again.

JJ loves you…probably more than I do. The ache in my heart tells me that might be impossible but, I think, that if anyone can give you complete,
unconditional love without me here to hinder you, it would be him.

Hopefully by the time I get back you’ll be happy. I know you will be. I’m not sure how I’ll deal with seeing you two together…but I can worry about that
when the time comes. No matter what, I want you to know that you’ve taught me a great deal. You’ve taught me that I can’t pretend to be happy if I
deny what I am. You’ve taught me that there are more important things than being a likeable guy, or a good cop. You’ve taught me that life is more like
waiting for death if you spend it worrying. I’ll never regret knowing you…if only for the lessons I’ve learned.

I know I give you a hard time. I know I nag you a lot – it’s a habit I’ve always had and it’s a hard one to break. But I want you to know that I don’t want
you to ever change. You are the single strongest person I have ever known and I often privately marvel at the defiance that is so ingrained in you. I could
never be that strong. I realize now…that many times you were my strength when I needed it. Maybe this will be good for me; maybe I’ll find my own
strength and you can be strong for someone else who needs it.

You won’t know that I’m leaving until I’m gone…I think it’s best that way. I’m sorry for making you wait so long, for making you suffer. If I could take it
back I would. But I’m not sorry for having known you. Those two years will always be precious to me, no matter where my life takes me. I do love you,
and I think I always have. I know I always will.

Ryo

He sighed as a new batch of tears slipped down his cheek, falling onto the paper and blurring the ink in spots. In spite of the fact that he was getting emotional again,
he did feel better. He was about to put the letter away and clean the living room when the phone rang.

He hurried out to it, absently carrying the letter with him. He set it down and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Carol…calm down…what?!? Okay, okay…I’ll be right there.”

Ryo raced into his bedroom, slinging off his pajamas and throwing on the first clothes he could find. He flew into the living room, getting ready to leave, and the letter
caught his eye. Although he had more important things to worry about he didn’t want to leave it lying around so he folded it hurriedly and tucked it into his back
pocket before running out the door.

***************************************************************

JJ looked down and smiled at Dee’s sleeping face. Although Dee had fallen asleep some time ago he continued to pet him, wanting to keep him calm and
comfortable, even in his dreams.

He had no doubts that it would take Dee some time to get over Ryo. He knew that he loved the other man deeply, and although it irked him a great deal to admit it,
it was one of the things he himself loved so much about the man laying in his lap. Dee’s love was intense and loyal; once he gave his heart away he did so completely
and with abandon. JJ could only hope that one day he would achieve the same place in his sempai’s heart. He thought the chances were good – Dee certainly cared
for him and JJ harbored no doubt that he could give Dee anything he needed. Yes…Dee could love him that way…he knew it. It would just take time…and now
they had all the time in the world.

He felt himself nodding off when a beeping made him snap back to reality. Dee’s pager was going off and he quickly grabbed at it, pulling it off the other man’s belt.
He didn’t want it to wake Dee after it had taken so long to get him to sleep. The man was exhausted and needed the res

The number was unfamiliar but it was marked as urgent. JJ debated for a moment before deciding that he had better wake Dee up. Whatever it was, it was
obviously important.

*******************************************************
TBC

Okay…I know many things might seem obvious from this point…they’re not. At least I hope. Just let me tell you that wherever you think the story is headed, it most
likely is not.

I know this chapter wasn’t as heavy as the recent ones, but it was necessary. The next chapter will be up soon and it’s a *whopper*, let me tell you. Lots and Lots
of new stuff next chapter. So read it…pretty please.

Thank you again for all the fabulous reviews. I love you guys.

Love and Kisses,

Reika