Saiyuki: Reborn

More angst. ^^ Don\'t worry--there\'s more fun stuff coming up soon.


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Chapter 12


Huyen tried to pull away from him, but he couldn\'t get his bearings
to know which way to go. \"I don\'t want to!\" he cried, burying his
face in his hands. \"I don\'t….\" He choked on a thick, pained sob. \"I
don\'t want to die again!\"

\"Huyen!\" Lan gave the boy a firm shake. \"We all have to face this,\"
he insisted. \"We\'ve all had to die, but you\'re not dying now.\" His
fingers tightened. \"Do you hear me, Huyen?\"

Huyen whimpered, but there was no escaping it. He fell forward
against Lan\'s chest. \"I\'m sorry,\" he croaked, barely aware of what he
was saying. \"I\'m sorry--I didn\'t mean it. I\'ll….\" He clutched at
Lan\'s shirt as he started to cry in earnest. \"I\'ll take it back.
I....\"

Lan blinked, confused by the boy\'s words but holding him close all
the same. \"What do you mean?\" he pushed. \"What do you mean, take it
back?\" //Take what back…?//

\"I didn\'t....\" Huyen gulped. His mind was whirling too quickly, and
he couldn\'t make sense of all the sudden images. Just...blood, and
darkness. Cold skin against his...tears.... \"It was...you,\" he
murmured when the realization finally came to him. \"It was you, and
I...and then I....\" A cold shudder went through him, and he sagged a
little, as if about to faint.

Frowning, Lan easily supported the smaller boy. //When we were
together, and I died.// He shivered faintly, but he was past that old
pain. \"Huyen....\" He pulled the boy closer. \"What did you do?\" he
asked, voice low.

\"I….\" Huyen was still shaking, his vision fading at the edges, but he
tightened his fingers. \"I...gave it up,\" he whispered. \"All of it. I
just...I hated it, all of it, and I...\" He was falling--he could just
barely feel it, but the words fell from him anyway. \"...I threw it
away. I\'m...sorry...\"

Lan shook his head, watching as the boy continued to shake. \"I don\'t
understand,\" he murmured, feeling a bit frustrated. \"What did you
throw away, Huyen?\" //If he does much more of this.... I don\'t want
him to be too hurt, but....//

\"Everything,\" Huyen repeated. \"I hated it all--how could they let us
die like that?\" He sighed, losing strength. \"Gods...Buddhas...all of
it...\" He chuckled bitterly. \"Fuck them. I don\'t need...any of it….\"

\"You….\" Lan sat back slightly, eyes wide. //He…renounced them? If he
renounced Buddha….// He gasped softly. \"Huyen, after I died that time…
did you renounce Buddha?\" //If he did…then no wonder he\'s been along
for so long. No wonder he is so....//

\"I….\" But it was too much--too many memories, too much strain, and he
collapsed against Lan with a tiny whimper. \"I don\'t want to die
again…\" he whispered, before falling silent.

\"Huyen....\" Narrowing his eyes slightly, Lan carefully scooped the
boy up, carrying him back to the couch so they were sitting side by
side. \"Relax now,\" he murmured, resting an arm around Huyen\'s
shoulders. \"I get it now, so just rest a moment.\"

Huyen sighed with relief as he slumped against the warmth beside him.
He couldn\'t remember now what he\'d said, what he might have
remembered, but the pressure against his chest had begun to lift a
little. //At least…I can breathe.// \"I\'m tired,\" he whispered,
suddenly too exhausted to even wipe his eyes. \"Can I lie down for a
while?\"

Lan nodded easily, standing to make room for the other and helping
him to lie down. He knelt by Huyen\'s head, touching his shoulder. \"Do
you want me to get you a blanket?\"

\"No. Just...some water.\" Huyen draped his arm over his face to hide
the awful state it was in. \"I\'m sorry about this,\" he offered
quietly. \"But...thank you.\"

Patting his shoulder softly, Lan moved to fill that request. He
returned quickly and offered the tall glass, waiting until he\'d
finished before speaking up again. \"I know this is hard for you,\" he
murmured, \"but once you face it, it won\'t hurt as much anymore. And
this…. This is important, Huyen. It may explain why…you\'ve been alone
all this time….\"

Huyen was quiet for a moment as he collected himself. He felt
dizzy.... \"What...did I say?\" he asked once he felt he was
ready. \"Did I even say anything?\" He licked his lips, as if trying to
recall the words.

Lan nodded. \"It sounded like...you renounced Buddha,\" he replied
straight out. //Better to just say it.// \"After I died the last time
we were together...it sounds as if you renounced Buddhism.\"

Huyen shivered a little. \"Renounced Buddha....\" He snorted quietly,
rolling onto his side away from Lan. \"So what? Goku said...I was a
crappy priest anyway.\" His shoulders crept up. \"Why would something
like that....\"

\"Because you were once a god,\" he replied, head tilting
slightly. \"And though you didn\'t follow all the foolish rules of the
mortal priests....\" Lan scratched the back of his neck. \"You still
have the spirit of a god in you--you can\'t just ignore that.\"

\"Oh.\" Huyen glared at the back of the sofa bitterly. \"So you\'re
saying if I become born-again Buddhist, I\'ll be all right?\" he
challenged. \"That all this time….\" He drew in on himself a little
tighter. \"That this has been their punishment for me?\"

Lan sighed; he couldn\'t really argue, could he? \"It\'s karma,\" he said
softly. \"We went against Heaven and were reborn here, to make up for
those past mistakes....\" //Maybe he has been punished. But this is
the end of it--it must be, if he\'s found Goku again. It has to
be....// Running a hand through his short hair, Lan glanced away.

\"Fuck,\" Huyen concluded, trying to bury himself deeper in the sofa
cushions. \"Fuck them, if this is what they call \'religion.\'\" His
skull began to throb anew but he ignored it. \"If they can\'t stand me
that much, they might as well just ship me off to Hell and be done
with it.\"

Standing, Lan gathered their used cups to return to the
kitchen. \"Maybe, someday, they will. Perhaps Jin and I would
eventually join you.\" He turned away, feeling something heavy in his
stomach. \"But then, what would happen to Goku?\"

Huyen was silent for a moment, considering, before closing his eyes
once more. \"Maybe he should try dying, then,\" he muttered, even if it
only made his eyes burn. \"He\'s the only one of us who hasn\'t had to
yet. He doesn\'t understand what it\'s like...trying to remember
something like that….\"

Lan froze, staring down at the floor. \"No…he doesn\'t have to
remember. He has to live without us.\" His fingers curled tightly
around the glasses. \"He just has to watch us die, over and over, and
then hope he\'ll be able to find us again.\"

\"What a waste. We\'re not worth that.\" Huyen laughed quietly,
bitterly, against the back of his palm. \"Maybe we should all kill
ourselves. That\'s a sin against Heaven, isn\'t it? Then we can all be
in Hell together.\"

Glancing over his shoulder briefly, Lan felt something sink. //He
really has changed.// \"I don\'t want to go to Hell,\" he finally said
quietly. \"But if you asked Goku to, I\'m sure he would if it was for
you.\" //He\'d do anything for you, and you know it. He\'s always been
like that.//

Huyen cringed; he hadn\'t meant that. He didn\'t want that at
all…. \"Don\'t….\" He pressed his eyes tightly shut against a surge of
nausea. \"Don\'t tell him anything,\" he asked quietly. \"He…doesn\'t need
to hear that.\"

\"He deserves to,\" Lan replied. \"He\'s worried about you. He\'s been
trying so hard to keep from hurting you, you know, when all he wants
is to talk.\" Sighing, he turned to better see the other. \"We\'ve
talked a bit, him and I, mostly him just asking me what I remember.
It must be painful to him, bearing all those memories alone.\"

\"I know. But…I….\" He sighed. \"Something happened to me, Lan. I know…
there\'s something wrong with me. I\'ve always felt it.\" And though it
still hurt, somehow it was easier talking to Lan than Goku. \"Jin
could tell. I think that\'s why…he was trying to take care of me.\"
Finally he reached to wipe the tears from his face. \"Goku says…he
doesn\'t want to hurt me. But the reason he wants me to remember is
because…unless I do, I can\'t be the one he really wants.\"

Lan frowned. \"Do you really believe that?\" he asked softly. \"Do you
really think that has anything to do with it?\" He set the cups down
in the doorway, approaching the couch once more. \"Huyen....\" Lan sat,
trying to meet the other\'s gaze. \"Do you really want to know what\'s
wrong?\"

Huyen turned slightly, just enough to see Lan\'s face. \"Do…you know?\"
he asked quietly. It would be so much easier, if Lan could just
explain it to him….

Lan set a hand on the boy\'s shoulder. \"You\'re lonely,\" he murmured
seriously. \"We all died, you watched me die. Lifetimes going by
alone, especially without Goku....\" He leaned closer. \"I remember
some of that time, with the four of us. Can you? Do you remember what
it was like?\"

Huyen\'s breath caught, and for the first time in a long while…it
didn\'t hurt to imagine what it was once like. \"I….\" His eyes escaped
Lan\'s, as if suddenly ashamed. \"I think so.\"

\"Tell me,\" he insisted, catching that brief spark in Huyen\'s
eyes. \"Whatever you remember--everything, even just a feeling.\" //You
know I understand--you never held back with me before, right?// His
fingers curled around the boy\'s shoulder.

Huyen rolled onto his back, though he still couldn\'t bring himself to
look Lan in the face. \"It was...comfortable,\" he murmured, rubbing at
his stomach. \"I only remember a few things…just feeling…comfortable.\"
He took in a slow breath. \"It was good, wasn\'t it?\"

Lan nodded. \"We had some great times, and even the hard days weren\'t
so bad, because we could always just go out for a drink.\" He smiled
faintly in memory. \"Do you remember from earlier in that life? Maybe
before you found Goku...?\"

\"Before? I was….\" Huyen\'s brow furrowed as he tried to think back. It
was…getting a little easier, and faces passed through his sight like
flipping pages. \"A priest.\" But that made his head ache again, and he
tried to focus on something else. \"There was someone I cared about.
Something I wanted to do. Something…important.\"

\"What was it?\" he pressed, encouraged that Huyen wasn\'t flinching
from the memories like he had been before. \"What did you want to do?\"

\"I wanted to get something important.\" But again when he tried to
center on that one thing, something pushed against him. //Something
damn Buddhist, or something,// he thought with a bit of a
sneer. \"There was a man who took care of me,\" he said instead. \"It
was for him. And then Goku….\"

Huyen\'s eyes opened a little wider. //I…remember….// \"He…called out
for me.\"

//The scrolls.// Lan nodded faintly. \"A sutra was stolen, according
to the legends. You decided to someday get it back.\" He shifted
closer. \"Tell me more about Goku,\" he insisted. //Goku has to be the
key. Even from our first lives, he….//

//Damnit, I\'m already so tired.// Huyen closed his eyes, trying to
keep his concentration together a while longer. \"He was crying,\" he
murmured, trying to let his mind drift. If it came to him
naturally…. \"For me. He was waiting for me, and I…set him
free….\" //It\'s always been me, hasn\'t it? No wonder he….//

Lan sat back, starting to feel a bit more relieved. //If he can just
realize what they meant to each other....// \"Why was he crying?\" he
asked softly. \"Why for just you?\"

\"I....\" Huyen sighed abruptly, drawing a hand over his
face. \"Enough,\" he muttered. \"Lan, I\'m tired--this is enough for now,
isn\'t it?\" //It\'s going to start hurting again, if I try to remember
too much. And I still have to make my way home eventually....// He
frowned slightly. //Home.//

Sighing as well, Lan nodded and leaned away. \"All right. If you want
to stop, it\'s okay.\" Patting his shoulder, he stood and headed for
the kitchen again. \"I\'m going to clean up a bit. Get some rest, and
when you\'re ready I can drive you back--it looks like it might start
raining again.\"

\"All right. Thanks.\" Huyen was finally able to relax properly, his
breath rushing out of him in relief. //But at least I remembered
something. Goku…will be happy.// Somehow, that thought pleased
him. \"Got any food?\"

\"There\'s still those crackers there,\" he pointed out. \"When you\'re
ready, we can go pick up something to share with Goku.\" Lan smiled to
himself. //That should make him happy. Maybe keep him distracted for
a while.//

\"Sure.\" Huyen snatched one of the crackers to nibble on, taking his
time.

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