I Live For You

Chapter Twelve – Guilt Ridden And Suicidal

Shuichi (POV)

Something strange is happening to me. The last thing I remember is Yuki driving me to the hotel where I packed my stuff, and then he took me back to his apartment. I sat down on the couch, and that’s it.

It’s like I’m lost somewhere. My eyes are not in focus, all I see is Taki’s lifeless body. His head slumped forward, his blood congealing on his body. I can see blood on my hands. I can vaguely hear a voice talking to me, but it doesn’t seem to register.

Wherever I am, I’m trapped. Trapped in an endless darkness, where my thoughts are suffocating me. I wonder if this is my punishment. I know I’ve sinned. I’m a murderer.

The guilt I feel is so overwhelming. I know Taki killed my sister, and I know he deserved it, but the guilt is still there. And Ma-kun, he was innocent. Just an obstacle in my way. Damn it, I sound like a sadistic monster.

I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to put up with all this. I thought I would be all right, but I’m not. I don’t think I can continue with this life, the guilt, and the blood stained hands.

I know I have to be punished, but I know I could never survive being in jail. So the only other option is suicide. I never thought I would have the guts to take my own life, but I proved myself wrong. I’ve already taken two lives, taking mine should be easy.

I know my parents would grieve for me, but they would probably hate me if they found out I was a murderer. And Yuki, I know now I can admit once again that I still love him, and I always have, but I can’t continue if this is how its always going to be.

All I have to do is try and snap myself out of wherever the hell I am. I feel my body being lifted and carried, and placed on something soft. Warmth spreads all over my body.

--

I start feeling sensations all over my body. First I feel my back against the soft bed I’m laying on, next the fluffy blanket that’s wrapped around my body. My eyes begin to focus, and the sunlight streaming in through the window nearly blinds me.

I hear voices. One of them is Yuki’s.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he’s been like this for three days. He won’t eat or drink…and he hasn’t slept. I’m really scared…I don’t know what to do.”

“Eiri, he’s in shock. He’s killed two people, how the hell is he supposed to react? You didn’t think he would just carry on like normal did you?” I recognise Tohma’s voice.

“I don’t know what I expected, I just want him back.”

“I know. Hopefully he will be all right…we just have to keep and eye on him…have you seen the news or read the newspaper?”

“No…have they found him?”

“They found Ma-kun first in his apartment, he was shot through the head. A young man out walking his dog found Taki tied to a tree…the police said he was killed the same way as Maiko-san…they said they’re either looking for a copy cat or someone who killed them both…”

They’re voices get quieter until I can’t hear them anymore. I’m little relieved that I got away with it. Then I scold myself. I may have got away with it, but my life will be over very soon.

Now that I’ve snapped myself out of my own personal hell, I feel very sick. I stumble dizzily to my feet, and collapse in front of the toilet. I have nothing in me to bring up. I start to panic when blood pours out of my mouth.

My first thought is that I’m dying, which makes me relieved. Maybe I wont have to take my own life after all. But I know that its probably just stress, and my stress levels are probably near breaking point.

I hear Yuki come into the bathroom. He gasps as he sees the blood. He pulls the flush and then wets a flannel to wipe my face. He helps me to my feet. I clean my teeth, and then he helps me back to bed.

He sits beside me, and holds my hand. I don’t speak. I don’t know what to say. My throat burns, it’s so sore. Tohma comes into the bedroom with a glass of water. I accept it with a barely audible whispered ‘thank you’.

The cold water feels so good as it runs down my sore throat. Yuki’s hand tightens on mine. I look at him, and just stare. His eyes widen and I curse myself for not keeping my facial expressions under control.

I don’t know what he saw in my expression, but I don’t look at him again.

“Please can you leave me alone?” I ask.

I don’t look round until I hear the door close. I close my eyes for a second. It’s now or never. I go back into the bathroom and take one of my razors, breaking it open and taking out the small silver blade.

I lock the door and then I sit on the floor with my back against the bath, with the razor in my hand. I place it against my wrist and close my eyes.