Balance

<i>According to authorities around the world, there are five different kinds of health that human beings strive for: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual and Social. A healthy, happy life results from keeping all these elements in balance.</i>



BALANCE

A Hikaru no Gkkuskkushiaru Roman Series

By Sailor Mac



PART FIVE: EMOTIONAL



The middle-aged man sat alone at the goban, his head bowed low, studying the sto




In the background was the sound of a fountain splashing and birds singing. He didn’t hear them. He was completely intent on the playing pieces, even though he knew this game almost as well as he knew his own arms and hands.



It was one of the last games his son had played with him. And Touya Koyou had sat alone at the goban every night since their last game. They had stopped playing even before Akira moved out.



He reached into the white go ke and placed a stone. Oh, yes, this move was just like Akira -- quietly sizing up the opponent’s every quirk, every weakness, then attacking steadily and ruthlessly.



The boy had learned well when it came to Go. Why hadn’t he learned anything about life? He had made some hasty, questionable decisions, and had confused rivalry with love.



He was so deep in concentration that he didn’t hear it when a petite woman with short, dark hair entered the room, bringing a tray that contained a teapot and cup. She laid it down so gently the china did not even clink.




But suddenly, she stopped in her tracks and turned around. *The look on his face -- it’s so *pained.* This isn’t just about Akira not living with us anymore,* she thought.



“I’m surprised you’re in here every night,” she said aloud.



Her husband looked up from his stones, his weathered, dignified face creased with a heavy load of emotions. “I’ve always come in here in the evenings.”



“You sit there alone laying out stones every night,” Akiko said. “You’ve done that ever since Akira left.” She knelt next to him. “I miss him, too.”



The former Meijin looked back down at the the board. “I have gotten used to not having the boy around,” he said in measured tones. “I’m engaged in study.”



“Then why do you sit around recreating *his* games over and over?”



This took Koyou by surprise. Akiko had never shown much interest in Go beyond the discussions she had with him and Akira, which were usually on the “I have to do this to be polite” order. “How do you know . . .”



“I just do,” she said. “I always see the same patterns of stones. And they just -- well, they *feel* like the two of you together. I can’t explain why.”



Her husband looked back at the board, silently. He reached into one of the bowls, took a black stone and put it down with a resounding *pachi*, as if to tell her that the conversation was over.



*I’m not going to let him get away with that,* she thought. *I suspect what’s wrong, and I’m going to make him admit it so he can stop torturing himself.*



She laid a hand on his arm and said, “Koyou, it’s not your fault.”



He looked at her, sharply. She recognized the look in his eyes he used to give opponents when he was younger, back when he thought he had to intimidate them -- before they became intimidated by his very presence.



“I never said anything like that,” he said.



“But you’re thinking it,” she said, not letting go of his arm. “You always did hold in things when you were upset.” She knew that this tendency had contributed to his heart problems -- and she didn’t want to see him have any more.



The Meijin looked back to the stones, as if seeking the truth in them. He didn’t have to look very far. He knew in his heart that his wife was right. He had been struggling with guilt from the moment that he saw that newspaper that contained that horrible photo of his son passionately kissing Shindou Hikaru.



He had acted cool about the whole thing on the exterior, told Akira he had grossly misinterpreted his rivalry with Shindou, and quietly said that moving out was the boy’s own choice.



But inside, he had wondered if he had pushed Akira too much, if his refusal to allow the boy to interact with other players his age had kept him from developing the social skills necessary to find a girlfriend.



Would Akira have confused the passion for the game with the passion for another human being if he had encouraged him to get out more, socialize with other children . . .



And then there was the matter that the boy Akira had ended up with was *Shindou Hikaru.* He\'d *believed* in Shindou since the boy was 12. He couldn\'t believe he\'d show such poor judgment -- and lead Akira down the same path.



He was disappointed in them both. And, by extension, he was disappointed in himself.



Without taking his eyes off the board, he said aloud, "The boy needs to be guided back in the right direction.”



"And you feel powerless to do it?"



*After all these years,* he thought, *my wife knows me all too well.*



"Maybe," she said, "all he needs is one push. He\'s still so young . . ." She sighed. "The Go world forces boys to grow up so fast, *too* fast."



The Meijin thought about this for a moment. It was true that Akira was not quite an adult -- but maybe, if he were gently encouraged on the right path *before* he became an adult, if he were allowed to make up for the social skills he didn\'t gain earlier . . .



And he thought of someone who could help, the person who, years ago, had performed a similar service for him.



"Is Kano-san still in the same line of work?" he asked his wife.



She looked surprised. "Yes -- but Akira is too young for . . ."



"As you said, the Go world ages boys fast. I think I may go see her tomorrow."



* * *



Hikaru unlocked the door to his apartment, and was met with the sight of a clean, orderly place -- something he’d thought was impossible when they first moved in.



*Geez, it’s still hard to get used to the idea of having a maid,* he thought. *I’m almost afraid to touch anything and mess it up.*



He flopped on the couch anyway and pulled a stack of kifu out of his backpack. He’d been given the game records of his next opponent today -- a tough 6-dan who was considered a possible contender for titles in the future.



Hikaru had to admit he liked going into games with people like that, because they tended to underestimate him. He might have been promoted to 2-dan at long last, but he was still considered on the lower rungs of professional Go, and there were still upper dans who expected him to be a pushover.



Fortunately for him, that made them lazy, sloppy and easy to see through.



He was intently studying the papers when Akira walked in, putting his school bag next to the door and heading for the kitchen. “Hey,” Hikaru called. “How’d your day go?”



“School was fine,” Akira said, pulling a bottle of mineral water out of the fridge. “I got an A on my history test.”



“Told ya that you would,” Hikaru said. He remembered all too well how pitiful his own track record in history had been -- until he started getting firsthand lessons in the subject from Sai.



“And then I had a lesson to teach right after school, and I just came from the library,” Akira said, bringing his glass into the living room. “Did you just come from the Institute?”



“Yeah, I wanted to pick up these,” Hikaru said, holding up the papers. “And I got my teaching schedule -- I’m going to be helping out in the insei class on days I don’t have games.”



Akira nodded and took a drink of his water. Sometimes, he wondered if he had missed out on something by not being an insei -- but he also knew that being in one of those classes would have been a complete waste of his time. He’d spent so much time playing with adults that playing with other teenagers would have been counterproductive.



“Oh, and I saw Ashiwara-san, and he said to say hi. He also said he hasn’t seen your father in awhile.”



Akira looked up in surprise. “He hasn’t?”



“Nope,” Hikaru said. “He was asking if he was off in China again. I told him I hadn’t heard anything.”



*Ashiwara-san probably doesn’t know that my father and I aren’t talking,* Akira thought. *I’m not about to talk about that in public.*



The familiar lump of pain formed in his chest and in the back of his throat. *If only I could just go over there and have one night of deep discussion with him,* he thought. *If only I could make him see how much Shindou and I mean to each other, how happy I am now . . . and let him know that Shindou’s mother has accepted me completely . . .*



But every time he tried to call, his father refused to talk. And every time he went to the Institute, he wasn’t there. *It’s as if my father knows my game schedule and is deliberately avoiding me,* he thought.



He tried to tell himself that his father would come around eventually, that this was just temporary. He knew he was just fooling himself.



He took another drink and said, quietly, “I haven’t heard anything either.”



* * *



Hikaru left the community center where he’d been teaching. Senior citizen classes could be frustrating sometimes -- it took people a long time to grasp some concepts, especially if they’d been playing another game for years. Hikaru had learned so much about shougi from these people (“You mean that’s *not* how you’re supposed to do it? In shougi, we always did it this way . . .) he figured he could almost play the game himself now.



But their enthusiasm was compelling. These people really *wanted* to learn the game, whether just out of curiosity or because it was something they’d always planned to do, but hadn’t had the time until now.



*I wonder if any of them ever wanted to become insei?* Hikaru thought. He’d heard from more than a few pros about how they’d fought against intense parental objection to do what they wanted with their lives. Hikaru didn’t realize how lucky he’d been that his own parents had been *baffled* more than anything else, but ultimately accepting.



He was walking past a high school now, and he couldn’t help but think there was something familiar about it, that he should know this place. He paused and looked through the gates, just as the front door opened and a female student came outside, carrying a pail of water, which she emptied near a tree.



Instantly, Hikaru recognized the uniform. He’d seen it on Akari. This was the high school where all his friends from Haze had ended up going: Mitani, Tsutsui, Kaga, Kaneko . . .



*And if I hadn’t become a pro,* he thought, *more than likely this would have been my school, too.*



He leaned forward, his fingers twining around the bars of the fence. He could look into one of the classrooms at the front of the school and see a row of heads bent over desks, hands moving across pages as they wrote down whatever the teacher was saying.



*I don’t miss that part of it at all,* Hikaru thought. *I don’t know why Touya *chose* to go to high school. Why put yourself through that if you don’t *have* to?*



What he *did* miss was the Go club, spending the afternoon hours in the science lab playing and discussing games, listening to Kaneko snipe at Mitani while Akari tried to keep the peace and Tsutsui just looked nervous -- being with a group of players who were there just because they loved the game.



*I love being a pro,* Hikaru thought. *But sometimes I wish I was back competing in school tournaments. I would have loved to play Kaio again -- even if Touya wasn’t there -- just so I could say we beat them.*



The door opened, and Hikaru watched small clumps of students come out, laughing, chatting, pulling packages of candy or Pocky out of their book bags. Suddenly, he felt years older than them, even though he was the same age. They were ultimately going back to their parents’ houses. He was going back to his own apartment and a lover.



Then, he saw a familiar person in the middle of a group of girls, some of whom he recognized, others whom he didn’t. She suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned toward him, her eyes widening.



“Hikaru?” she said, softly.



Hikaru swallowed hard. It was the first time he and Akari were seeing each other face to facnce nce before he and Akira had been outed. He just nodded.



“I’ll talk to you guys later,” she called to her friends before rushoverover to him. “Hikaru, I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?”



She stopped just short of hugging distance. He could sense that she didn’t want to cross into his personal space, that she felt not welcomed there. Well, she *had* been forced to accept that he would never be hers, that he belonged to another.



He felt a small pang of guilt. He’d never felt anything more than friendship for Akari, but he knew that a lot of people had hoped they would someday get married. Including her.



“Um, I’m doing fine,” he said.



“Well, that’s good,” she said, reaching up and pushing herurn urn hair back in a nervous gesture. “Mitani said you’re still a pro.”



“Yeah, I just got advanced a dan level, and I’m a member of the Honinbou League. That means I’m qualified to compete for one of the major titles.”



“Oh -- that’s great!” She reached up and brushed her hair back again. “My mother also told me you’re living away from home now.”



“I’ve got an apartment,” he said. He didn’t add who he had the apartment with. He didn’t want to make this conversation any more awkward by bringing up his relationship with Akira. “Well . . . what about you?”



“I’m in the Go Club here,” she said. “Most of us from Haze are. And we got a new person interested, Tachikawa. I think he likes Kumiko. Yuuki-kun -- um, Mitani comes to the club every meeting now, even though he keeps saying he’s only doing it because Tachikawa isn’t strong enough to play in tournaments yet.”



Hikaru couldn’t help but notice the slip concerning Mitani. He strongly suspected they were dating, but he felt uncomfortable about coming right out and asking her. After all, she hadn’t asked him directly about Akira.



“Hey, do you have a few minutes?” she said. “We could go to the Red Flame Cafe.”



Now, that was a name out of his past -- the Red Flame Cafe was where children in his elementary school had gone for after-school sodas when they had a few yen left over from their allowance. The Go Club had spent more than a few post-game afternoons there as well.



“Sure,” he said. “I have about an hour and a half -- I have to tutor again after that.”



“Great,” she said as they started walking off in the direction of the restaurant. “I have to tell you about the teachers in this school. Kanagawa-sensei is the math teacher, and he is just *so* nasty! He won’t even let you *sneeze* in his class without yelling at you! And then there’s Moriyama-sensei, the history teacher, who half the girls have a crush on . . .”



Hikaru sighed. Teachers and school politics were so far away from him now. Suddenly, he felt old again.



* * *



Akira left the playing room after recording his win. It had been a fairly easy one -- his opponent was a fast-rising 4-dan, but his game had careless holes in it -- holes that had been all too easy for Akira to take advantage of.



He headed for the anteroom and took hioes oes out of their cubbyhole. He’d have some time to go to the library and get caught up on his schoolwork -- it was nice not to have to race home every day to take care of the domestic stuff anymore.



As he was tying up the second shoe, a matronly woman with a pink business suit and blonde hair piled high atop her head entered the room. He recognized her instantly as one of the secretaries in the administrative office.



“Hello, Satou-san,” he said, leaping to his feet and bowing politely.



“Hello, Touya-san,” she replied, bowing in reply. “I have a message for you. Your father called here while your game was in progress. He wants you to call him back.”



Akira was startled. His father was calling him all of a sudden? Was he finally willing to talk? Or was he calling for other, less pleasant reasons? He remembered the Meijin’s past health problems all too well.



“Did he sound like everything was okay?” Akira said.



“He sounded fine,” the receptionist replied. “I don’t think you have to worry.”



“Thank you,” Akira said, bowing again.



When the woman had left the room, Akira pulled out his cell phone and pushed the familiar speed dial combination, his heart pounding. He had never felt nervous or intimidated when it came to his father before -- there was absolutely no reason to do so now!”



The phone on the other end was picked up by his father. “Touya residence,” he said.



Akira sat down, feeling his throat clutch, his heart about to leap from his chest. “Father, it’s me,” he said.



“Akira,” Touya Koyou replied. “Are you available for dinner tomorrow night?”



Akira frowned. This was a strange thing -- no questions about how he’d been, no asking about his new life, just immediately making a dinner date? *Well, maybe he’d rather discuss all that in person,* he thought. “Yes, I am,” he said.



“Good. I’ve made a reservation at Honmura An for 7:30 p.m.”



“I’ll be there,” Akira said.



“I will see you tomorrow night, then,” the Meijin said.



“Yes,” Akira said. “Father, I . . .”



But Touya Koyou had already hung up.



Akira leaned against the wall, closing his eyes, the phone still tightly clutched in his hand. Finally, an opportunity to sit down and discuss things with his family, to tell them his side of things and make them understand.



*He must be serious about this,* he thought. He knew Honmura An was a fancy place, usually the venue for business meetings and marriage proposals -- not somewhere someone went for a casual dinner.



*If he’s serious,* he thought, *then so am I. I will make you see how good my life is now, father -- and I will change your opinion.*



* * *



“So how is the club doing, anyway?” Hikaru asked Akari, peeling the paper off a straw.



“Well, we’ve been in four tournaments this year,” she said. “We even got to the last round in two of them. And one, we almost won. The other . . .” She sighed. “Well, the other was against Kobayashi High. Guess where most of the old Kaio players went?”



“Oh, geez,” Hikaru grumbled.



“Kanoe nearly got into a fight with one of the Kobayashi girls after the match. She said the only reason we’d gotten as far as we did was pure dumb luck, and none of us could play to save our lives.”



“If I had been there, I would have taken her on myself and kicked her butt,” Hikaru said. He winced inwardly as he remembered all the times he and Sai had taken on people who were unscrupulous, or just had haughty attitudes, and thoroughly humiliated them at the goban.



“I would have liked to have seen that,” Akari said. “She deserved it. But all that happened was that Yuuk -- er, Mitani . . .” She looked down, blushing, rapidly twisting her straw paper around her finger.



“Akari,” Hikaru said, “about Mitani . . .”



She looked up at him. “You figured it out, didn’t you? We’re going out now. But don’t tell anyone, we’re trying to keep it under our hats. I want to wait until my mother is in a good mood -- a *really* good mood -- and then sit her down and tell her. Then we’ll tell everyone else.”



“Why would your mother be upset about you and Mitani?” Hikaru said before taking his straw in his mouth.




The words hit Hikaru like a punch to the stomach. He knew he shouldn’t feel guilty about the life choice he’d made -- he was a lot happier with Akira than he’d ever have been with Akari -- but he couldn’t help but feel he’d somehow let Akari’s family down. He’d dragged her into his world of Go -- her family had been even more baffled by her sudden interest in the game than his had been -- and then left her behind, to chase after another young man professionally and bond with him personally.



“She was *so* upset when she heard about that picture in the newspaper,” Akari continued. “She denied it for days, said it was a rumor, that these things can be faked . . .” She looked down into her soda, stirring it a bit with her straw. “But then, she talked to your mother.”



Hikaru leaned over the table. “Akari, does it bother *you* at all? That I’m with Touya?”



She looked up at him. “No, of course not! People should be with whoever they want to be with, no matter what gender they are. And you’re happy with him. I can tell just by looking at you.”



Hikaru sat back, a confused look on his face. “Huh? Why do you say that?”



“It’s just that . . . well, your eyes are shining. Like when you’ve just been playing a game.”



“My eyes don’t shine!” he said, sitting back and crossing his arms. “You’re crazy!”



“You just don’t realize it,” she said, picking up her soda. “I’m really glad you found him, Hikaru.” She paused, taking a drink, then said, “Of course, I’d be lying if I said there were never times when I wondered ‘what if you and I *had* gotten together’ . . . but . . .” She looked up. “Well, it wasn’t meant to be, was it? And we’ve both found people who are right for us.”



*If I hadn’t met Sai,* Hikaru wondered, *would she and I be together now? I would never have known Touya, she probably wouldn’t have known Mitani. Sai changed her life as much as he did mine.*



“Hey,” he said. “I still want to be your friend, you know.”



“I know,” she said. “We have to make time to see each other -- we can’t go years without . . .”



“Why don’t you come over for dinner some night?”



The words had just tumbled out of his mouth, surprising even himself when he said them. They hadn’t had any guests in their apartment since the evening his mother inviinvited herself over.



“Dinner?” she said, looking just as surprised as him at first. Then, she broke out in a broad smile. “Sure, I’d love it!”



“Bring Mitani,” he said -- and then remembered that the last time he saw Mitani was in the drugstore on the first day he ever bought condoms and lube. He hoped Akari didn’t notice that he was turning bright red.



“Okay. I’ll have to talk to him about it -- he doesn’t really mention you, even when we talk about Haze. I don’t know if he’s forgiven you for leaving the club.”



“Well, just let me know,” Hikaru said, getting up. “I gotta go, I have to teach.”



She stood up with him. “I’m so glad we got to spend time together today, Hikaru,” she said.



“Yeah, me too,” he said, walking to the cash register.



As they went their separate ways, he thought about how glad he was to be bringing her back into his life. He’d neglected Akari almost totally from the moment he’d decided he wanted to be a pro. Now that he was settled into his life, professionally and personally, he could remedy that.



*I can introduce her to the Suzuharas, too,* he thought. *She and Kyoko-san will probably get along great. Heck, Touya and I can even take her to the Go Institute one of these days and . . .*



His train of thought stopped. There was a time when that sentence would have been completed with “introduce her to Waya and Isumi.”



Being reunited with one old friend made him realize how very deeply he missed the others. Akari might have been his friend during his early childhood, but Waya and Isumi were with him every step of the way during the most crucial years of his life -- his long road to the pros.



He knew if it wasn’t for them, he wouldn’t have passed the pro exam. If it wasn’t for Isumi, he wouldn’t have returned to the game after Sai left, either.



*Are we ever going to be friends again?* he thought. *Are things ever going to go back to how they were?*



He reached the subway steps, and rushed down them, as if to get away from his thoughts.



* * *



Hikaru saw two people as he was getting off the elevator -- a young couple in their late 20s, the woman red-haired and sweet-faced, the man all business in looks and demeanor. These were the neighbors he liked running into the most, the Suzuharas.



“Hello, Shindou-san,” said the wife, Kyoko. “Hiromi and I were just heading out -- we’re going to dinner and a movie.”



“First night we’ve been able to get out for awhile,” her husband added. “Work’s been hell.”



“He’s beginning to wish that *he* were a pro Go player,” Kyoko said in a teasing tone of voice.



“Me?” said Hiromi. “No way. I can’t even hold the stones the way they do.”



“And this is the man who didn’t even want to hear about Go when the two of you first moved in next door,” Kyoko said, winking at Hikaru. “Now he’s trying to hold the stones the right way.”



“Hey, I offered to give you lessons,” Hikaru replied. “You’re always too busy.”



“Is that where you just came from?’ Kyoko said. “Teaching lessons?”



“Well, yeah -- plus I met up with an old friend of mine I haven’t seen in awhile,” he said. “Somebody I grew up with,.”



“Bet you don’t get much of a chance to see your school friends anymore,” Kyoko said.



“Heck, I haven’t seen most of my old friends in five years,” Hiromi added, stealing a quick look at his watch -- much as he liked talking with Shindou, they *did* have to make a reservation.



“I don’t get much of a chance at all,” Hikaru said. And then, he added, softly, “There’s some people I was an insei with that I don’t even see much of.”



Kyoko heard the tone of his voice, saw the expression on his face and picked up on his meaning right away. Friends he didn’t see anymore, because they’d stopped talking to him when he was outed . . .



“Why don’t you have all your old friends over for dinner one night?” she said. “Make it a party!”



Hikaru’s head snapped up. “Are you kidding? I can barely cook!”



“I’ll help you with the cooking,” she said -- and then noticed Hiromi looking at his watch again. “Think about it, okay? We’ve got to go.”



“Okay,” Hikaru said. “See you later!”



He turned and walked back to his apartment. *Can I just do that?* he thought. *Can I just invite Waya and Isumi over? It’s been so long . . .*



Hikaru went into the apartment and dumped his bag on the floor, He flopped on the couch, his eyes wandering to the shelf in the living room where they kept various mementos -- a couple of photographs (one of Hikaru and Akira playing each other during a tournament, one of Hikaru backstage at one of his cousin’s concerts), a few awards from the Go Institute -- and a framed and mounted page from the Haze Junior High yearbook, showing the members of the Go Club.



*I want to bring them all back into my life somehow,* he thought. *Akari, Mitani, Tsutsui, even Kaga. They can’t *all* be uncomfortable with my being with Touya -- can they? Okay, Kaga hates Touya, or at least he did when we were in Haze. Who’s to say he still hates him?*



“I’ll do it,” he said aloud. “I’ll have them all over for a big dinner party.”



“Do what?” Akira said, emerging from the Go room.



“Aack!” Hikaru said, sitting bolt upright. “Touya! You scared the hell out of me!”



“Well, I didn’t hear you come in,” Akira said in a cool tone.



“Well, *I* didn’t know you were home!” Hikaru replied.



“I’ve been home for half an hour,” Akira said, heading for the kitchen. “Kurumi-san made us a pot of curry, I put rice in the rice cooker.”



Hikaru silently expressed gratitude to his mother for finding them Kurumi, the maid, who had made their lives immeasurably easier. “Now what were you saying about a dinner party?”



As the two boys began to set the table for dinner, Hikaru told him about meeting up with Akari, then his conversation with Kyoko. He studied Akira’s face for reactions -- he knew that Akira had been uncomfortable the night they had attended a party in his honor right after he’d made the Honinbou League.



“Do you think you’re going to convince them all to come?” Akira said.



“I’m gonna at least try,” Hikaru replied, picking up one of the bowls and dishing rice into it.



“I just wonder who’s going to be harder to convince,” Akira said softly. “Your friends, or my father.”



“What’s with your father?” Hikaru said, putting rice in the other bowl.



“He called me today,” Akira said, taking the bowl from Hikaru and ladling curry onto the rice. “He wants to meet up for dinner.”



“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Hikaru said.



“You can’t imagine what it’s been like for me,” Akira said, sitting at the table. “My father and I -- we were more than a father and son. He was my teacher. And my mentor. And my hero.” His voice was trembling slightly with emotion, his fingers gripping the chopsticks tightly, hovering in the air.



Hikaru leaned over, put his hand over Akira’s and said, gently, “Touya . . . I *can* understand what it’s been like for you.”



Akira nodded, slowly. *His relationship with Sai must have been a lot like my relationship with Father,* he thought.



“I just want to win back his respect, more than anything,” Akira said. “I want him to look at me the way he did before.” He started to pick up some food, and then stopped. “No, that’s not quite right. I want him to look at me like an *adult* who makes his own decisions about life, and not a child.”



“Think you can do that in one night?” Hikaru said.



Akira’s head snapped up. “Do you think you can get your friends to come around in one night?”



“Hey, like I said, all I can do is try.”



“And that’s just what I’m going to do,” Akira said, picking up food again.



Hikaru paused a moment, then dug into his own food. *I wonder which one of us will be more successful?* he thought.



___________



Hikaru no Go is property of Yumi Hotta, Takeshi Obata and Shueisha. No profit is being made from this fanfic.