I Live For You

Chapter Fourteen – Am I A Cold-Hearted Bastard?

Shuichi (POV)

The next few days were really hard. All I could think about was giving up, letting death take me. But when my parents came to visit me, I felt guilty for putting them through this. Like they said, they didn’t want to bury another child.

I can’t be selfish. I can’t do it to them. So that means I have to continuing living this life. I know it’s going to be hard, but I have no choice. I’ve been in the hospital for three days now.

They said I could go home as soon I talk to a shrink, but fuck that. I don’t want to talk to one. What the hell am I supposed to say without getting myself in trouble? ‘Oh, I tried to kill myself because I’m a murderer’, I’m sure that will go down well.

So when this shrink comes into my room to talk to me, I ignore her. She even made a deal with me. As soon as I talk, she’ll tell the doctors I can go home. Well that isn’t going to happen.

So I’ve decided to check myself out, with or without their permission. The shrink comes into my room as I’m getting dressed and packing my bag.

“Where are you going Mr Shindou?” She asks.

“I’ve had enough, I’m going home.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Tough shit, you can try and stop me if you want.” I challenge her.

I smirk as I walk passed her. Nothings going to keep me in here. As I’m leaving the room, I bump into Yuki. Perfect timing.

“Can you drive me to a hotel?” I ask.

“Are they letting you leave?” He asks.

I’m getting so sick of this place and all these damn questions.

“No, they’re not…I’m sick of this fucking place and I’m leaving…if your not going to give me a lift, then screw you.”

I push passed him and make my way out of the hospital. I smirk to myself as I hear Yuki following me. We get into his car without speaking and he drives us to his apartment. Great. Just great.

“Your not going to a hotel, I want you to stay with me.”

I laugh. “So you can keep an eye on me?”

“Shuichi, why the hell are you acting like this?”

“You’re a fine one to talk. What happened to you made you a cold-hearted bastard, so I’m sorry if I’m acting different.”

I get out of the car and slam the door. I take deep breaths to try and calm myself down. Why am I being a bastard? Especially to Yuki. I love him and I’m treating him like shit.

“I’m sorry.” I say to him without looking at him.

“It’s okay.”

I follow him into his apartment. I watch him closely. I know he’s hurt, I can tell. Damn, this is going to be so hard. I put my stuff in the spare bedroom and sit on the bed.

Since I’ve been in hospital, I haven’t thought about cutting myself once, and I still don’t want to. I hope I’m over that. The shrink always wanted to talk about it, but like I sad, I always ignored her.

I do need a cigarette and a drink. I’m happy I still have a packet and a bottle. I start drinking and light a cigarette. I’ve got so many thoughts running through my head. I still can’t get Taki’s image out of my head, I don’t suppose I ever will.

Is this what its like to be a cold-heated bastard? I was really mean to Yuki. He’s been so good to me, visiting me everyday while I was in hospital. Putting the bottle away, I stub out the cigarette and go out into the front room.

I’m surprised to see him sat on the couch. I thought he would have been in his study. I sit next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. Now that I’m here next to him, I don’t know what to say. His arm slips around my shoulders, and I snuggle against him, this feels so nice.

“Yuki…I really am sorry for what I said.”

“It’s okay…I know what its like, and I know how hard it’s going to be…but I’ll help you, every step of the way.”

I don’t actually know if were back together, but when I feel his hand on my chin, he lifts my face and I meet his lips half way for a kiss. I want to be with him again, but I’m afraid to ask.

Stupid isn’t it, being afraid. Being afraid of being rejected. Even as we kiss, I wonder if he’s just comforting me, or if he actually wants me back too. He looks me in the eyes, and I let my face show my expression.

“I know what you’re thinking.” He says after a moment. “I want us to be together again…do you?”

“More than anything.” I answer truthfully.

He kisses me again, more forcefully this time.

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One Year Later

It’s been a hard year. Just getting up in the mornings is difficult. Fortunately I haven’t turned into a cold-hearted bastard, but I’m not the same person I was. I’ve changed dramatically.

But can you blame me? Only Yuki, Tohma, and K know what I did, and that’s how it’s going to stay. Yuki’s supported me through it all. Even Tohma’s offered me help if I need it. He helped me in the beginning, along with K. They got rid of the evidence I had. The clothes, the knife, and the gun.

I joined Bad Luck once I was sure it was what I wanted to do. I love singing and always will. My songs have changed though. They’re not love songs, they’re darker. Depressing. But the fans seem to like them, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

My parents are happy that I decided to stay in Japan. They’ve tried getting me to talk about why I tried to kill myself, but I don’t talk about it, and after a while they dropped the subject. But they keep an eye on me, so does Yuki.

It’s annoying, but I know its because they care about me. And the only reason I decided to keep on living was for them. I promised I would never give up. So Bad Luck’s keeping me busy, and Yuki is always taking care of me.

I’ve stopped drinking, and I don’t cut myself anymore. I’ve also stopped taking drugs. That was really hard to do, but I did it, and it’s made me stronger. I still smoke, but I’ve cut down. Yuki hates me smoking, but he’s just a hypocrite.

I made a deal with him. I said I would give up smoking if he did. He hasn’t spoken to me about it since then. But I have a feeling we will be trying to quit very soon. Yuki and I are getting on great. He tells me he loves me on a daily basis. It was weird at first, but I’ve gotten used to it and I love hearing him say it.

Sometimes, like now when I’m sat on my own, I wonder if I really will be all right. I also wonder if it would be easier to be a cold-hearted bastard. Nah…I’m too nice. I let a small smile grace my lips.

It’s over. Taki’s gone and even though he will always be on my conscience, I always remember why I did it. I did it for my sister.

I look at Yuki as he sits beside me. He pulls me into his arms and I snuggle into him. It’s times like these that make me glad that I didn’t succeed in killing myself. I lift my head and meet his eyes.

I live for you, my love.

END

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