Forever Mine

Chapter Fourteen: Staring Over


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sad weeping of the clouds forming tears fell down to the ground as a dark grey sky lay overhead. Wet cold grass covered the ground staining the many shoes in the crowd causing them to sqeak as they shuffled.
What a perfect day for such an occasion. Most were doctors and nurses saying their last goodbyes. One in particular stood a distance away, observing the many people that hovered over the tomb that his beloved was in. Trying hard not to seem so obvious.
It was difficult, it took all of his strength just to be here right now. To know that the person he once was held by tenderly, loved and made love to was soon to be covered in mounds of dirt. He could feel his stomach turning and his control slowly failing. He didn’t even know why he came. He just wanted to forget, to not feel this pain anymore. A pain far worse than any pain he has ever felt.

Part of him knew why he came, that part that just had to realize to see that his lover was gone. The proof of it in front of him hitting him hard against his chest, like a hammer to his heart beating it furiously over and over again. He just wanted to run get away from reality and never come back. But here he remained because he promised. Promised his love he would be strong and he hated Muraki for that promise.

Tsuzuki held a single long-stemmed rose in his hand and walked up to the fine marble finished coffin before him. Men and women hugged and conversed, but the Shinigami was far from hearing what they were saying. His only focus was in front of him. He placed the rose on top of the beautifully designed casket.

"You left me alone once more. I don‘t think it is possible I can forgive you this time."

A hand touches his shoulder. His reflex jerked it off as he turned around. A young female stared back, her face wrought in sadness.

"I’m sorry to startle you, but you didn’t look familiar to the many faces that are here from the staff at the hospital. Did you know Muraki-san?.”

If it wasn’t for the dark glasses he was wearing he would of probably startled the woman. But he didn’t want to draw attention to himself any more then he had to. He smiled as warmly as he could.

"I am an old friend of his, just came to pay my respects."

She moved next to him looking at the coffin herself.

"He was a great man, saved many lives and took so well to his patients. One of the best in Tokyo. It is a shame to see such a great man lost to the world and at such a young age, too."

The woman sighed looking down as a small tear fell from her eyes.

"I wonder if somewhere out there he had someone that shared his life with him?
A wife perhaps or girlfriend? I'm sure if he did they would be here right now. I would cry if my other half had died. Maybe she hates him for leaving her."

Tsuzuki could swear she was directing this towards him, but she was referring to a woman.
He was not a girl. She surly doesn’t know about his and Muraki’s relationship? Muraki would never boast about his personal affairs with collegues at work so why was she telling him this? Could she sense it, was he that obvious?

Tsuzuki wanted to tell her so bad that he was indeed Muraki’s lover but then what would that look like? She believed it was a woman for whom the doctor loved. It would be better this way, to not ruin Muraki’s reputation in death. That it was a man that had shared the doctor's bed and not a wife.
Would Muraki even mind it? No. Of course not. He would of probably raised a large sign in central Tokyo if I had asked him to. That is how much he loved me. That man gave his life for me twice. That bastard.

"I would have really liked to have met his other half. I bet they are very beautiful."

Soon the woman was cut short as a female voice shouted out towards a car.

“Come on, honey! It’s time to go!"

“Okay, Rose. I’ll be right there, just one more minute please.”

They are lovers? Tsuzuki looked over to the car seeing a woman dressed in all black leaning on a silver car making her skin pale against it.

The nurse looked back at Tsuzuki.

"I’m sorry I must go. My wife is calling me."

She walks away stopping short and turning to Tsuzuki once more.

"It is always hardest when you lose the one you love. It is even harder to come to realizing it. And when reality hits,it
knocks you off your feet. I’m sure that whoever his lover is will forgive him for the pain that was caused in his loss."

Tsuzuki gasped lightly. Something told him she knew, but what could she possibly know about pain? Her lover/wife was still alive and his was.
He didn’t want to think about it. He had stayed far too long. Being the only one left, it became kind of lonely. The rain started again hitting his face and clothes. He sighed. The rain was the only thing hiding his tears that were falling endlessly down his face he then snorted.

"What does she know!"

"Excuse me, sir. But I presume you are Mr. Tsuzuki?"

The shinigami startled turning around seeing an old man in his sixties. Where did this guy come from? He surly didn’t see him at the funeral. The guardian became suspicious.

"And what makes you think that?"

The shinigami was on defense. How did this man know who he was?

“You are the only one left here, aren’t you? He said that you would be. Like a sore thumb from the rest of the crowd. I assume you do not know me as it is we have never meet before this.”

He bowed toward the shocked brunette.

"I am Saukaura. The young master had told me to give this to you.”

Tsuzuki takes the thin piece of paper without hesitation. Young master he thought. Is this Muraki’s servant?

"When you are ready to read it. I will be waiting."

He heard the cool voice of the older man but looked down toward the paper instead. A small envelope with his name on the front. The guardian's eyes widened.

“I...I can‘t."

The guardian was speechless.

"What is..."

But the old man was already gone. Tsuzuki glanced back at the letter and shoved it in his pocket.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next day
It was a long day especially just after the funeral. Tsuzuki didn’t want to experience what he did when Muraki first had left him. So as that part of him he shut it down. That loving caring feeling for Muraki he shut it down completely. He could do that. He did seventy years again. Now was the time again and soon he will forget. Like another lost memory in his life.

Yes, that is what he decided. Everything he ever had of Muraki’s he would throw away. He destroyed the roses in his garden and planted lilies instead. He couldn't have anything. He just wanted to forget. Even his coffee had shots of straight vodka in it. All to forget to keep his mind overdosed on illusions away from reality. That’s how he wanted it. To play the fake role with everyone around him to trick his mind that everything was okay. That he was okay. And what better way to get the help then from his most trusted companion, alcohol.

The night was late and he was hard at work destroying all the pictures he had of Muraki off his computer. He was tired and just as he was about to leave and go to the nearest bar. The door to his office opened.

The green-eyed boy just looked at him. Tsuzuki waiting for his younger partner to start his insults.

Great, he thought. Just another way to drive me further into...

But what happened was completely different then what the brunette had expected on seeing his partner back. Hisoka ran to the taller man and hugged him. Tsuzuki could do nothing but hug him back.

"I’m sorry, Tsuzuki! I didn‘t mean to be gone for so long. Make you feel like I didn‘t care because I did a little...too much actually. I...I heard what happened. I thought you were gone! I..I wouldn‘t know what to do if you had left me. But he saved you and you’re here. I’m so sorry I didn‘t tell you"
The older man smiled rubbing his fingers through Hisoka hair

"Don’t be.”

The boy was crying now.

"No, no. You don’t understand! I was...I was jealous of you two. I didn’t want to hear about him anymore. I didn’t want to know anything not because of hurt but because there was a part of me that loved you and I didn’t want him to have what I wanted. You are so close to me being the only one to break my walls down. It was you that I found a family in. And I didn’t want to lose that from you. He would have taken that from me! But I know you hurt you hurt so much because I FELT IT! I DID! I FELT THAT LOSE IN YOU WHICH WAS SO SIMILAR TO MINE, BUT EVEN GREATER STILL. TSUZUKI! I’M SO SORRY! I never knew how much you really did love him. I thought it just was an infatuation to you but I felt it. I felt your pain."

Tsuzuki lifted the green-eyed boy's eyes to meet his.

"It’s okay, Hisoka. Everything will be okay. I have moved on. There is nothing that can be done no more. It is better this way right?"

Hisoka saw the smile on his partner's face. But it was all a lie his eyes only told a different story. Hisoka could no longer feel the pain the hurt within his partner. Had he went that deep within himself to deny that emotion? Or has he really simply just moved on? The younger shinigami couldn’t tell but he knew it was probably the latter of the two.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two months
Things seemed to be back to normal. There were no cases to be solved even when Tsuzuki and Hisoka were sent on occasion to scout areas. Tsuzuki was back to his sweet-eating self. At least on the surface he was. There still lingered moments that would cause the brunette to stop abruptly in the work environment in shock, just to laugh it off and go back to what it was he was doing. Not many people seemed to notice it but Hisoka.

But, then again, no one even knew about the incident that happened between Tsuzuki and Tatsumi. Weird as it was to the other shinigami that Tsuzuki always tried to avoid eye contact with the secretary in meetings and always refused to go and see him in the office sending Hisoka instead. In fact, it seemed that Tsuzuki had not seen Tatsumi face-to-face since the incident

"Tsuzuki don’t you dare leave today without trying out my new potion. You promised!" The scientist beamed.

"Um..Of course, Watari. After I finish my paperwork.”

Tsuzuki nose was in the pile pulling out a new piece. Watari raised an eyebrow at him.

"Tsuzuki doing work! I think the world has ended."

“No,Watari. It’s just, I think I should get it done...”

Watari knew this in his friend. This is how he has been acting lately. Partly he believed to drawn out some of the memories of Muraki but the other part had to do with Tatsumi.

“Before you have to bring it to Tatsumi, right?”

“Um, well, yeah.” Tsuzuki still not paying Watari much heed.

“Tsuzuki, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he continued to write.

“Why have you been avoiding him?” The pen stops.

“I haven’t been avoiding him. It's just I don’t feel like sitting in his office being yelled at.”

Watari looked at him frowning. What a terrible liar, he thought.

"That is the worst lie you have ever played on me. Tsuzuki, I’m your best friend you can tell me anything. Why won't you tell me this?”

Tsuzuki looks up finally at a worried Watari.

“Because it is none of your business that’s why." he responded back in anger.

“Oh”

The scientist is somewhat shocked at Tsuzuki's brash words. Tsuzuki never was one to become angry, not like this. Not to Watari. The brunette realized the harshness of his voice and calmly looked at his best friend sincerely.

“I’m I’m sorry, Watari. I‘m just very stressed and I don’t need any more of it then I have already.”

Watari wondered maybe Tsuzuki is not ready to face Tatsumi after that terrible fight. It was still too soon. That is what he used as his excuse for Tsuzuki's behavior, denying what possibly might be the truth.

Tsuzuki got up from his desk and closed down his folder.

“Tell you what, Watari. Let's go out for a beer or two. What do you say?”

Watari gives him a serious look demanding an answer. He was genuinely worried about his friend. Tsuzuki sighed.

“Look. There is nothing to worry about, okay? Tatsumi and I...”

The door opens. Tatsumi walked in.

The scientist seen an uncomfortable shift coming from Tsuzuki. As the guardian wraps his arms around his waist and looks down. Watari couldn’t help but look over toward Tatsumi seeing the man looking more worried than Tsuzuki. He wondered about this change in the two. Normally, Tsuzuki would be in the secretary's arms by now crying and letting out all his feelings but this was different Tsuzuki refused to even give Tatsumi eye contact.

“Could I have a moment alone with Tsuzuki?"

The secretary's voice demands Watari rather then asking.

“Umm…sure, Tatsumi.”

He could see his best friend not budge from his stance. Something told him there was something wrong with this scenario but then again it wasn’t his place, he thought. He couldn’t even get a word out from Tsuzuki. But his best friend knew that if he needed anyone to talk to, it was him. This just wasn’t the case. And it wasn’t Watari's place to butt into. He glance once more over to Tsuzuki.

“Tsuzuki, I’ll be in my lab."

The guardian just nods his head as Watari walks out closing the door.

The moment was quite nervewrecking for both of them. What could they possibly say to each other? At that moment the walls seemed to feel like they were caving in and the air in the room became somewhat dense.

Tsuzuki leaned against the desk avoiding any eye contact with his ex-partner. There was so many things he wanted to say, wanted to know why but he just couldn’t come out and say them. His mind was frozen in fear.

Tatsumi steps closer to him, Tsuzuki jumped causing Tatsumi to step back his eyes worried. His heart beating fast within his chest. But the secretary couldn’t hold back this silence between them anymore and he knew Tsuzuki wouldn’t budge. The brunette would go on like this forever if not to face Tatsumi and the event that had happened between them.

“Tsuzuki I’m..."

Tsuzuki not even looking retorts out.

“Don’t, Tatsumi! You have no right! There is nothing you can say that can change what has happened."

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is that what you where going to say to me? How dare you! After all that has happened that is all you can come up with?! I can’t judge you, you only acted on your feeling right?"

"I forgive you, but I wont ever forget it. I forgive you because you love me and when you love someone you tend to do some crazy things. But I’m not in love with you or ever will be, so deal with it!"

There I said it as cold and heartless as it sounded I said it. From that I looked up and seen the most hurtful eyes I had ever came across. But it didn’t matter. I was beyond reason with him. I trusted him and now he can see how much it hurts to lose it all. How much he hurt me.

“Why him?” the secretary mouth was trembling .

I think the worst part about this whole thing was I knew every word I told him hit his heart like a ton of bricks but I didn’t even care.

"You should know by now the answer to that question. I love him.”

"A murderer."

That was cold, Tatsumi, and you know it was. But, yes. I don’t deny it. Why should I have to? I love Katzuaka Muraki. I know you would hate me saying it to you. I should, too. But I won't. I won't slam your face in the mud on this one. I understand really I do. I don’t agree with what you did to me. And I lost all respect for you because of it. But you are still someone special to me. Sad, I know. I should hate you and despise you for it. For drugging me and hurting me in such a way. But Muraki had done this to me too. Had hurt me in the beginning the only difference is I wanted him to. I wanted him so bad but denied that part of me in it. He showed me up front what he wanted and didn’t hesitate to take it. So to answer you question, Tatsumi, without being a complete asshole about it.

"You can’t choose who you fall in love with."

And I left it at that walking towards the door.

Then stopped just to say one more thing.

“I won't tell anyone what had happened. I give you my word. I know you can trust mine, But if you ever touch me again like that. I’ll kill you.”

Tatsumi didn’t do anything but stand there. I think he finally came to realize that’s something you can’t just brush off your shoulder. It takes time to heal wounds and sometimes not even they can mend.

Honestly, there was a part of me that felt bad ,hurt even to see him like this. But why should I care I have enough on my plate already to worry about. I know things between us will never be the same he knows this as well. But this is how the world is it’s cold and evil and makes us feel so much emotion. In each of us we carry a demon that fights to be free. I’ve come to knew that that demon is love. Because with love you feel so much. It can make you feel good or complete but it can also make you feel hurt and angry and sad and revengeful. Who needs it really? I felt love and I felt complete in it, too. But where is it now? Some six feet under. There is no point in it because sooner or later you’ll end up hurt. So to teach myself a lesson in love. I say fuck it. It will only cause you agony in the end. It’s only better to live life without it, saves you from feeling the pain when it all comes crashing down on you.

Now, how about that beer?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Fifthteen: Starting Over Part Two


When you want to forget something that has hurt you so bad in your life what messures would you take it to. sometimes drowning your thoughts in alcohol just isn't enough.

Just thought you would like to know: For anybody wondering. Rose is the same woman that confessed to Konoe in chapter 11. her wife was actually one of the staff members at Muraki's hospital. Wow six feet of separation. also giving the clue at what the discission of the verdict was at her trial.