To the Moon and Back

Chapter 15





Lifting his trembling hand to the doorbell, Nowaki paused for a second...





His thoughts were in a whirl. He had dashed here as soon as he had put down the phone. But now that he was here, he was unsure of what to do.





What should he do? Rush in and profess his love for Hiro-san? Beg him to not leave him again? Demand an explanation? In front of Hiro-san’s mother? Too many questions and uncertainty swirled around his mind.





What if Hiro-san kicked him out and never wanted to see him again? What if... Doubt was starting to join the crazy mess in his head, making his head pound loudly like an African drum.





Snapping suddenly, Nowaki slammed the doorbell violently, physically doing what he wished he could do mentally – slam the door shut on all the swirling thoughts. The pain in his hand gave him something to concentrate on, something to focus his thoughts just that bit, before the door swung open.





“Konnichiwa. I assume you are Nowaki-kun”, a petite woman in her late fifties with a kind but tired face greeted him.





‘Hai. My name is Kusama Nowaki. I am very sorry to be meeting you under these kinds of circumstances...”





“Oh, don’t worry about that Nowaki-kun. Please, please come in.” Hiroki’s mother said as she ushered Nowaki into the house.





“Hiroki is in that room. I hope you can speak to him, encourage him, cheer him up. I do not understand what happened between the two of you, but I know he hurt you, and now he’s hurting even more because of that...”





She trailed off as she moved to stand by the open sliding door that looked out onto the mini garden in the middle of the house. After staring at the green shrubbery for long moments, she finally continued, with obvious difficulty.





‘When his childhood friend Akihiko let slip a few years back about my son’s preferences and your presence in his life, I could not accept it. I could not believe that my only son was... I refused to admit it to myself for years, and kept quiet in the hope that one day he might bring a girl home to prove me wrong. But that never happened. All that came back was a sick son, a broken man.”





By then, bitter tears had slid unconsciously down Hiroki’s mother’s face, as her grip on the sliding door tightened.





“The past few months have been horrible for Hiroki. While the treatment is going well, his body reacts so violently to the treatment, and seeing my son in so much pain is more than I can bear. But what hurts me the most, is that even when he sleeps, he doesn’t get the peace and rest he needs. He dreams of you every night, calling out your name in his sleep. And I-I-I can’t let him suffer anymore...”





Hiroki’s mother covered her mouth as quiet sobs tore from her throat. Nowaki immediately moved to her side, and put a comforting arm around the petite woman, attempting to soothe the indescribable pain she had to be going through.





“Don’t worry oba-chan. I will do my best.” Nowaki told Hiroki’s mother gently. A promise to her, and a promise to himself.





“Th-thank you Nowaki-kun. Thank you. If you are what makes Hiroki happy, and you can make him happy again... I have no objections. Just please...”





“Thank you oba-chan.” Nowaki cut in gently, with a small gentle smile on his face, a shadow of the old Nowaki.





Composing herself, Hiroki’s mother patted Nowaki’s arm as though in encouragement before crossing the living room to pick up a medium-sized bag.





“I am heading over to my sister’s place for the night, his father is out of town. I will only be back tomorrow afternoon. Please inform Hiroki. He knows where to reach me in case of emergencies. I got him to unlock the door today, so you can just make your way in. Thank you Nowaki-kun”, was all she said before she turned around and walked out.





Slightly stunned by Hiroki’s mother’s actions, Nowaki stood there in a daze for a bit, before a low painful moan resounded from the room that Hiroki was in.





It was like a whip to a horse, and Nowaki quickly reacted.





Moving quickly to the door, he knocked twice quickly but gently before pushing the door open slowly. He was afraid that Hiroki would ask who it was, or what did he want, and upon hearing Nowaki’s voice, lock him out of the room.





Stepping into the room quietly, it took awhile for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting of the room. The lights were all off and the curtains shut, with only sliver of lights shining through where the curtains joined.





Once his eyes adjusted, he spotted his Hiro-san curled up in bed, swaddled in blankets even though it was rather warm. He was curled up facing the wall, with his back to Nowaki.





Suddenly, another low moan reverberated through the room. Hiroki twisted slightly in his sleep, in obvious pain. Seeing Hiroki like that left a twisting pain in Nowaki’s chest.





“Nowaki...” Hiroki whispered hoarsely in his sleep.





“Oh, Hiro-san” was all Nowaki said before he strode over to the bed and wrapped his much longer and bigger body around Hiroki’s fragile smaller one.





“Nowaki,” Hiroki whispered again as he leant back into the familiar warmth for a few short moments, when suddenly he sprang up as fast as he could, biting a moan back in the process.





“Nowaki! What are you doing here?! H-h-how did you get here?” Hiroki tried to yell despite his hoarse throat as he scrambled backwards in the bed, away from Nowaki and pressed against the wall.





Nowaki slowly sat up, holding his hands out in front of him, as though trying to soothe or calm a skittish animal.





“Your mother let me in Hiro-san. She has no objections about us. Please Hiro-san, stop running away from me. Why do you keep running away from me? Do you detest me so much?”





“My mother?! W-what?! What you mean ‘no objections to us’. Huh... And you! Why do you keep chasing me?! I told you to leave me alone. I don’t love you anymore. GO AWAY!” Hiroki lashed out in desperation and confusion, his eyes flitting haphazardly around the room the whole while.





“I keep chasing you because I still love you... You don’t love me anymore Hiro-san?” Nowaki asked very quietly and solemnly.





“Are you an idiot?! How many times do I have to tell you. I don’t love you anymore. So leave now!”





“Hiro-san, you keep saying that but you won’t look me in the eye and say that. If you really want me to leave, look me in the eye and tell me so. If I believe you, I’ll leave.”





Silence reigned for a long moment as Hiroki digested Nowaki’s words.





“I.......... I-I-I don’t....”





“You can’t say it Hiro-san. You can’t say it because it isn’t true. You still love me. So why did you leave? Why did you leave knowing that you had leukaemia and had to undergo chemotherapy? Did you think I would not want you because you are ill? Is that how lowly you think of me Hiro-san?”





Hiroki had no answer to the barrage of questions that poured out of Nowaki’s mouth. Those questions had evidently been haunting Nowaki. His heart constricted even more at the pain and sadness he had caused Nowaki.





Looking up, Hiroki caught Nowaki staring at him, with his intense dark eyes, previously so full of life, passion and happiness. But now sad and tortured, with an empty look there. All the lies he was conjuring forth got stuck in his throat at the sight of that.





“If you had stayed Hiro-san, I would have been able to care for you in your time of need. I would be able to try to minimise your physical discomfort. Why won’t you let me take care of you Hiro-san?”





Hiroki finally snapped, and the words flew out of his mouth before he could stifle them back down.





“EXACTLY! IF I HAD STAYED, YOU WOULD HAVE FELT OBLIGED TO TAKE CARE OF ME. THAT WOULD MEAN YOU TAKING LEAVE OR QUITTING YOUR JOB TO CARE FOR YOUR SICK LOVER. THEN WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB?! THE JOB THAT YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR DAMNIT. THE JOB OF YOUR DREAMS.





YOU’RE JUST A TRAINEE DOCTOR. YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO GO ON SUCH LONG LEAVE! THE HOSPITAL WOULD NOT HEAR OF IT. THEN YOU WOULD LOSE ALL YOUR CAREER OPPORTUNITIES. I WOULD BECOME A BURDEN, THE PERSON DRAGGING YOU DOWN, THE PERSON WHO CAUSED YOU TO LOSE YOUR DREAM.”





Hiroki yelled that out loudly into Nowaki’s stunned face, only stopping to take in gulps of air at the end of the rant, before continuing quietly.





“I will not be responsible for the destruction of your dreams. I love you this much to let you go, to allow you to chase your dreams. I refuse to take that away from you. That’s why I left. I don’t need you to take care of me. I just don’t want to be a burden to you. You might say you won’t regret it now, but when you’re older you would have, and then you’d resent me for it.”





Hiroki sighed tiredly, rubbing his temples with shaky trembling hands, and turned his head quietly to stare blankly at the wall.





“So just leave Nowaki. Go back to Tokyo, and continuing working towards your dream, be the doctor you always wanted to be. My treatment is ending, and if I do recover, I will come back to you, if you still want me –“





Hiroki’s quiet resigned words were suddenly cut off when he was engulfed in the strong arms of his love.





“Nowa –“





“No more of your nonsense reasons Hiro-san!” Nowaki said forcefully into Hiroki’s ear, as he held onto Hiroki for his dear life.





“No more. Did you think my career is more important than you, Hiro-san. You were the one who gave me that chance to even get near my crazy impossible childhood dream of being a doctor. At that time it was just an excuse to get close t you. I never thought it was possible. And then as I studied and worked hard, it suddenly became possible.”





“You were the one who made me want to aim higher in life. But did you really think I would have given you up when you’re sick to chase that dream? When that dream would be pointless without you by my side to share it with me?”





“I know you would have given up your job to look after me Nowaki, I knew that! That’s why I left,” Hiroki’s muffled voice came from Nowaki’s chest, which he was being held against.





“You say I would regret giving up my dream. But I would regret it even more if anything had happened to you during the past few months and I was not there by your side... My heart has felt hollow and empty ever since you left, I just go through the motions everyday, and that was thinking you were somewhere safe and healthy. If anything were to happen to you, I-I-I don’t know what I would have done...”





And then Nowaki was crying openly into Hiroki’s shoulder, crying for the pain of separation, the pain his Hiro-san had endured through the treatment, the pain of knowing Hiro-san was seriously ill, the pain of the choices Hiro-san had made...





Hiroki was at a loss. He could not remember the last time he had seen Nowaki cry, and yet now he was crying so desperately on his shoulder. Tears soaked through his thin shirt, and the tears on his shoulder were so hot they felt like they were burning his skin.





The pain and sadness from Nowaki seeped into Hiroki, and it went straight to his heart, leaving him cursing himself for hurting his love so badly, and sowing seeds of doubt in his resolve.





Hearing the heart-wrenching and raw words from Nowaki’s mouth had already shaken his resolve and determination to stay away from Nowaki. But now Nowaki’s tears was further unsettling his shaky resolve.





Was his choice the right one? Especially when it had left the both of them in such dire emotional conditions. Both men were broken, and only together could they be set right again, that he knew.





As Nowaki cried hot tears onto his shoulder, Hiroki’s heart burned with each tear Nowaki shed because of him. Nowaki was always the strong one, the one to look after him, to take charge, to protect him. But this time, Nowaki was the one who required looking after and mending, and Hiroki was the only one who could do it.





Hiroki had stayed apart from Nowaki for long enough, he had done everything in his powers to protect Nowaki in his own way. And yet, things still turned out this way. He was tired of fighting against the current. He was done pushing Nowaki away, and hurting both of them in the process.





As he ran a soothing hand up and down Nowaki’s back, tears slid down Hiroki’s face too. He was never letting go of his love again.





It was time to mend.





And so they remained, clinging to each other, almost desperately, unwilling to let go of each other ever again.





The End