The Calm

Disclaimer: Not owner of Bebop, I would not be fanfic writer if I did! Things would have gone my way!

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Song: Tourniquet
Artist: Evanessence
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The Calm
Chapter 16: Plans and Pains

Spike leaned against the wall of a building and stared out at the passing cars. The world was so… oblivious.

“I hope I wasn’t keeping you long?” a voice broke his train of thought.

Spike turned to see Amaya smiling at him out of the corner of his eye. “No, what’s up?”

“I wanted to spend time with an old friend.”

“I see. So, you know anything about this guy, Wraith?”

Amaya stiffened. “Why do you ask?”

“He’s got an eighty million woolong bounty on his pretty head. Faye was drooling.”

“Feeling a little out done?”

Spike smirked. “Nope, but I did notice that he’s working with the infamous Wolf that everyone is afraid of. He your new boyfriend?”

“Yes, if you must know.”

“I see. Jet told me about the other day. He started seeing this other girl the day after.”

Amaya felt her chest constrict. ‘I knew it.’ “Took him long enough. Jet was… we were never meant to be anything than friends. An assassin and an ex-cop are not a good match.”

Spike sighed and nodded. “I guess. Just wanted to warn you. We’re going after him.”

“Better you than anyone else,” she sighed and slumped against the wall.

“So, what’s he like?” Spike asked. “He better than me?”

Amaya laughed. “Idiot. Faye got you freaked, hasn’t she? You were never this, uncertain before.”

“I didn’t mean like that, get your mind out of the gutter. I meant in a fight.”

Amaya laughed. “He’s good, not as good as me, but close. Very overconfident at times. Good with the sword. Never seen him use a gun. He’s on your level with the martial arts, a judo black belt.”

“I always did like a challenge. You sure? I mean, if he’s your boyfriend, don’t you want him to stay out of the hands of bounty hunters?”

Amaya grinned. “They’re starting to suspect my motives in the Dragons. If Wraith is taken and I rescue him, maybe even get shot up a bit, it will throw them off.”

“That’s why you called me?” he asked.

Amaya nodded. “I trust you, I don’t trust the other bastards I’ve worked with. You know where to hit and where not to. They would just kill me and take the bounty.”

“What about Sith? She ever going to make your list?” Spike asked.

Amaya shook her head. “Nope, she’s inactive, would be stupid. Anyways, no one outside the syndicates ever met with the Shadow. She’s a legend, just like me. I do think my bounty’s going to be reactivated though. I’ve been pissing some people off lately. Ah, well. Just makes the game more interesting.”

Spike frowned. “Why are you doing this anyways?”

Amaya smiled. “I’m a ghost, Spike, a vengeful ghost. The Dragons are going down.”

“What about Vicious and Sith? What about Aurora?” Spike asked.

Amaya laughed. “You make me sound stupid, Spike. Everything’s been arranged. I have a lot of money stored away for them, when the Dragons crumble, they’ll walk away free and I’ll be able to move on. I’ll be able to die.”

Spike’s eyes trained on the woman beside him. “What happened to you? When did your eyes become so empty and cold?”

Amaya sighed and smiled softly to the taller man. “I once wore masks to protect myself from the horrors of the world, Spike. I used people, I toyed with them while wearing a ceramic smile. Now, there’s nothing to protect through the masks. All I am is a ghost of a tortured woman. A shell of a woman that steals souls to survive.”

“The other assassins and members of the Dragons?” Spike asked.

Amaya smiled. “The souls of the dead feed me, Spike, for I have no soul of my own. My soul left when I died for you and Vicious.”

“Amaya… I-“

“Don’t apologize. I don’t regret it. I will always protect you two. You’re all I have of the family I had when I was alive. You, Faye, Jack, Jet, Vicious, Sith, and Aurora, you all have to live, I’ll take every bullet, every blade, I’ll shed my blood and tears for you. There isn’t anything else left of who I once was anyways.”

Spike pulled the woman into his arms and embraced her. “Why do you talk like that? Why do you think you have to protect everyone?”

Amaya sighed and let him hold her. “Because I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t protect my mother and she died. If I was strong I could have done something to save her. I should have been strong. I should have stopped Mao from killing my father, no matter how mean he was to me, he was still my father. I will not let anyone I care for die for me. I’d rather die again myself!” she declared as she buried her face in his chest.

“Amaya…”

~*~*~*~

* I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more*

Amaya sighed as she felt the sting of the blade cut into her skin. She stared down at the small razor in her hand as she watched the blood rivulet down her arm and into the full sink. The drops of crimson blood fall into the warm water, tainting it.

‘You don’t belong here,’ a familiar voice spoke softly in her mind.

“I know,” she sighed out loud.

*I lay here dying
*And I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal

‘You’re just an empty shell.’

“I know, but I’m not done yet,” she mumbled.

*I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?*

Sith and Vicious were out with Aurora, James was at his place. She was alone, she preferred to do this when there was little risk of being found out. Amaya stared at her warped reflection. She had pieced the broken mirror together and re-hung it. She preferred to look at herself through the shattered fragments, it was how she truly saw herself anyways.

‘You know that if they find out the truth, they won’t understand,’ the voice stated.

“I know, that would be why it’s a secret,” she growled at her reflections.

‘They’ll disown you, feel betrayed.’

“But it has to be done. The Dragons have to fall. They have to pay.”

*My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvat

The blood was stopping, she frowned at her healing cut and sighed as she drug the blade over another part of her arm. They wouldn’t notice the scars, they wouldn’t see them. Who would suspect her of being a cutter? Who would suspect that she needed the pain to feel alive. It was better than any drug, than anything made by man. Better than adrenaline. Pain was real. Pain was constant. Pain drowned out the doubt.

‘What will you do when this ends?’ the voice asked.

“I will finally die,” she sighed.

‘Finally rest, finally be free,’ the voice added.

“Yes, free,” she said as she watched more blood dribble down her pale arm into the sink. The pain was exquisite.

*Do you remember me
Lost for so long*

‘Where will we go, I wonder?’ the voice asked.

“Who cares, hell probably,” Amaya answered.

‘No, we aren’t evil enough for hell.’

“Well, we aren’t good enough for heaven,” Amaya said.

‘Purgatory then, a place between.’

“Sounds good to me, as long as this ends.”

*Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me*

She stood against the coile ile of the shower as the hot water poured over her tired muscles; the blood from her newest cuts flowing down the drain with the rest of the dirt and grime from the day’s excursion. She laughed as she remembered the look on the bounty hunters’ face as she killed him. He had been scared shitless. It had been sweet to watch his blood flow free from hisy.
y.

“I’m becoming a monster,” she mumbled.

‘You already are a monster, Wolf,’ the voice within said.

“True, but it’s necessary. It’s for them, to free and protect them.”

‘Are you so sure? What if they find out? Not everyone is like Spike, Wolf.’

“I know, even if they hate me, I’ll still keep them from harm.”

*I’m dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?*

“I don’t understand, how is it that they knew?” Vicious asked aloud.

“I don’t know sir, but they are dead. Whoever this guy is, this freelance assassin, he’s good. Very good,” one of the suits reported.

Amaya grinned inwardly as she listened in. ‘I’m not that good.’

“This is impossible, how is it that this keeps happening? First, our more… talented assassins start getting caught by bounty hunters, now this? It doesn’t make sense,” Vicious sighed as he slumped back in his chair.

“I am sorry sir, but could it be an inside job?” the same man asked.

Amaya stiffened. ‘Shit! Too much too close, too fast. I guess I’ll have to tone it down a bit.’

Vicious shrugged. “Let’s not go there yet, we’ll see if anything happens. This could be a coincidence, but do not push the possibility aside. Someone may be on the payroll of another syndicate and be feeding them info. Keep a sharp eye and keep me informed.”

“Yes, sir!” the two men said simultaneously as they left Vicious alone.

Amaya sighed and moved from her hiding place. “Problems?” she said.

‘You aren’t his friend anymore, Wolf. Just stay out of his personal life and fulfill Rain’s last wish,’ the voice within scolded.

“Oh, hey. Nothing of too much importance. How are you feeling?” he asked.

Amaya smiled softly and took a seat before his desk. “Fine, now tell me the truth.” ‘I have to keep up appearances,’ she argued mentally to the voice.

“Some of my associates involved in the Duram problem were killed.”

Amaya’s face appeared to be concerned, within she was smiling. “That sucks, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.

“For now, nothing. I can’t, I have a syndicate to run. I can’t go off and investigate one incident. And with the recent capture of three assassins, I’m short handed.”

Amaya nodded. “I see. Well, don’t let it suck your life away, Vicious. It’s the little things that do it.” ‘Soon, you’ll be free, Vicious. Soon.’

“Thanks, Amaya. Good to know that you understand,” he bid as she left.

“No problem.”

‘Don’t get involved, this isn’t your world anymore,’ the voice reminded.

*My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation*

She gasped as she dug the blade into her arm, the delicious pain shocking her into waking. The blood seemed to come more now, maybe she cut too deep? She didn’t care right now, she could feel. She could hear the voices now. She smiled. She needed them to tell her what to do. No one would understand, Sith wouldn’t understand. Sith cut and burned to quiet, she needed the pain to awaken and liven the voices as she stared at her fragmented reflection. It was getting harder to hear them, she needed more and frequent pain to keep them talking. They fed off the blood, off the pain.

‘You don’t belong, Amaya, you aren’t human.’

“I know, this is getting difficult. We have to keep quiet, they’re home. Sith will hear,” she whispered aloud.

‘Then leave, find a place for your own, then we won’t have to sneak around.’

“No, theget get suspicious. I’d never return.”

‘That’s the point, you don’t belong here,’ the voice said.

“I know, I know. I’m not human, I heard you!” she growled.

‘Don’t be bitchy, calm down.’

“Calm down! Are you nuts? James is asking questions. The syndicate is suspecting foul play, how am I supposed to calm down?” she asked.

‘It’ll end soon, just ignore his questions. And lessen the frequency between deaths and captures. No one will know and the Dragons will fall.’

“Yes, soon,” she sighed.

*My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied*

‘Soon it will end. We just have to stay low until then.’

“Then I can die, and I’ll be avenged,” Amaya sighed again. The blood was starting to stop.

‘Soon.’

*Christ!
Tourniquet!*

She leaned against the cool tile of the shower, letting the blood wash away in the torrents of hot water. She’d have to make it near scalding to feel satisfied. She needed the slight pain. She didn’t feel it if it didn’t hurt. James was worried, even sex had gotten rougher and far more frequent. She needed this to end soon, she loved him, but it wouldn’t last.

‘They all forget and move on. All we are is relief, nothing important, just a whore with a gig on the side. A geisha, a concubine… something in the shadows, something not quite a whore, yet can be. Something to be used and tossed aside,’ the voice repeated over and over in her mind.

Amaya grinned as tears mixed with the water and flowed down the drain with her blood. “Something in between. Something to fuck but not love. I can love, they can say that they love me, but it’s all lies. Lies…”

‘All we have is the pain,’ the voice murmured.

“And death, don’t forget death.”

‘Soon, it will end and we’ll be free.’

“Free.”

‘Free.’

“Because I don’t belong in this world. Because I’m already dead,” she mumbled as she closed her eyes and let the water run over her face.

‘Exactly, because all we are is a ghost of a broken, dead woman. All we are is…’

“Revenge.”

*My suicide.*

~*~*~*~

Levii: Kinda dark, but it should be. You have to understand, Amaya is not the same person anymore. She experienced death, she felt that momentary peace from her life of lies and betrayal and blood, and then she was awakend and told that it was all a farce, that she didn\'t die. You can see why she\'s losing it. She\'s also, as you can see, still somewhat herself, she\'s still protecting those that she cares for while she destroys the world around her. She\'s out for revenge now. And she\'s kinda scary. You can also see that she doesn\'t value herself very highly. In fact she herself tells herself that she isn\'t human, that she isn\'t worth living, that she\'s just a ghost of her past selves. It\'s sad, but understandable. She\'s been through a lot. Oh, and Blue, I thought I should clairify, it is not in James\' nature to decive and lie, that he isn\'t one to double cross those that he swears fealty. That\'s Amaya\'s designation, you have to remember, she\'s always lied. No one can tell when she\'s telling truths or lies. She could be talking nicely to you at the moment, but planning to kill you as soon as you leave the safety of the crowd. Not to mention, she\'s no longer in complete control of herself anymore. She\'s relying on the advice of a voice in her head brought on by pain and her own blood, brought on by cutting herself.
That\'s it for my rants, for now. Remember to REVIEW and tell me your thoughts! Even if they have nothing to do with the chapter, a question about the character, about the story, anything! Really, I\'d take anything! Just review me! REVIEW ME! I crave it!
Ja ne! ^_^