To the Moon and Back

To the Moon and Back (Epilogue – Part 1)





Kamijou Hiroki bit down a moan as he slowly mounted the steps to his, no their apartment in Tokyo. His muscles were screaming in agony, protesting against the strenuous actions. The move back to Tokyo from Kyoto had taken its toll on his frail, recovering body, despite Nowaki’s best efforts to care for him.





Hiroki had finished his final bout of chemotherapy almost two months ago, followed by a short treatment of radiotherapy. After close to 8 months of therapy, the doctors (and Nowaki) had finally given him a clean bill of health. The cancer cells in his body were gone, for now at least. The next few years would be full of check-ups to make sure the cancer does not come back. But for now, he was back to normal again.





“Well, as normal as a sick, useless, easily-exhausted person who was deathly-skinny, frail and with no hair could be”, he thought bitterly to himself, as he paused on the fourth step to catch his breath.





He did not know which he hated more... His disgusting appearance or his poor health. He just wished he could just hide away in a corner and wither away sometimes. He had grown accustomed to shunning reflective areas, just because he could not bear to see a reflection he no longer recognised.





However, before Hiroki could sink further into his depressing thoughts, he was shaken out of it by the shuffling of Nowaki’s feet, bringing up their luggage behind him.





Turning around slowly, Hiroki was greeted with the sight of his lover, Kusama Nowaki just as he started on the staircase, easily lifting two suitcases filled to the brim with food and products from Kyoto his parents had given to them.





Nowaki beamed a smile of pure sunshine at Hiroki, stunning Hiroki for a moment.





Hiroki could not understand so many things, and he was not accustomed to that. How could Nowaki smile so happily upon seeing him, for he was now a shell of the man he used to be? How could Nowaki hold him as though he was the most precious person in the world when he was all withered away? Why did Nowaki put his career on the line for him, risking the two months unpaid leave to care for him in Kyoto? Was he worth it? Would Nowaki regret staying with him once the realities of being back in Tokyo hit him?





So many questions swirled around his head painfully. He did love Nowaki more than anyone in the world, and the fact that Nowaki professed to love him too should have made him happier than ever, especially after all they had been through.





The fact that Nowaki was willing to chase a sick man down, after said man had disappeared from his life, and still want to be with him, should have been enough to soothe over any worries Hiroki had.





But still, the insecurities and doubt that had been seeded in him from the start of his treatment, and had flourished over the past 8 months, ate at him constantly.





How could Nowaki look at him so lovingly, when he could not bear to even look at himself?! The treatment had caused such immense weight loss that Hiroki was dangerously thin. And his hair. The hair that Nowaki had so loved to run his fingers through. It was gone now.





He had shaved it off shortly after Nowaki had come to Kyoto, for he hated waking up to clumps of fallen out hair on his pillow, and having Nowaki see that. He figured it would just be better if he just shaved it all off.





But it did not make him any less miserable; instead, it made him more acutely aware of how different he was from Nowaki’s ‘Hiro-san’. It ate at him constantly, like a parasite festering inside his heart and soul.





To the point, that he could barely bear Nowaki’s touch, fearing that one day he would recoil in disgust.









Nowaki on the other hand, had no idea that Hiroki felt that way. He always knew that his Hiro-san took a certain amount of pride in his appearance, always making sure he looked neat and tidy.





But he never knew how much his change in appearance due to the treatment was killing him slowly inside, just like the cancer cells were.





Nowaki had thought his Hiro-san to be assured of Nowaki’s love for him, that it was not judgemental, superficial or momentary. He had merely assumed Hiroki’s behaviour to be one of exhaustion and crankiness.





He had given everything he could to Hiroki, and as long Hiroki was willing to stay with him, that was all he needed for now. With time, his Hiro-san would recover, and everything would go back to normal. Nowaki sincerely believed that, for he had faith in Hiro-san, in their relationship and their love.





However, the distance between them remained, awkward and painful, hurting each other, until one day, it finally all blew up.