Suppressed

AN: Friday, as promised! =) I don\'t know when the last one will be up, I need a breather, but I\'m working on it!
Enjoy! Comments and criticisms are welcome!

Disclaimer: If they were mine it wouldn\'t be called \'fan\' fiction, now would it?


“Kyo, please. This has nothing to do with Haru! You’re the one imposing him on our relationship!”

“AND HOW THE HELL AM I DOING THAT!!! IF YOU WEREN’T SO HUNG UP ON HIM…”

“I’M NOT HUNG UP ON HIM!!!” Yuki raised his voice for the first time. Pleading fire raged from behind his eyes.

“HOW AM I THE ONE ‘IMPOSING’ HIM?!? IF YOU WEREN’T SO…”

“THERE IS NO ME AND HARU!!!” Yuki screamed. His eyes were wide. He hung his head dejected. “There never was.”

“WHAT?!?” Kyo snapped, his heart shuddering. “You lied to me?!?”

“What else could I have done?!? I had to tell you something!”

“And the truth?!?”

Yuki shook his head. Kyo could see the tears dripping off of his chin. The rat hadn’t even meant to tell him this much.

Kyo crouched next to the rat. “Tell me, please.”

“I can’t.” He choked, burying his face between his knees.

“You’re gonna have to.”

Yuki shook his head. “You don’t understand…”

“Make me.” He sighed. “Tell me or lose me forever.”

The rat looked up, finally. “You, Kyo.”

“What?”

“It’s you. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

Kyo looked startled. “So you were lying to me about ever being with someone before me?” He asked. “Why bother? That doesn’t make sense.”

The little mouse shook his head. “You… I… We… We’ve been through this before.” Kyo cocked his head, confused. Yuki sighed. “You… forgot.”

“Forgot?” He fell backwards. Things started to fall into place. “Hatori.” He shook his head. “Akito he… and then Hatori…”

Yuki nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Kyo shook his head. “I don’t believe it.” Yuki remained silent, tucking his head safely between his knees. “You’re joking, right?” Still no reply, only the sounds of the sniffling rat. “I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry.” He muttered. Kyo’s face snapped up. “So then…” He began. “It was all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

The kitty began to cry. “Everything! Why you got hurt, why he…” Kyo swallowed, “raped you… why you’re… like this! IT’S ALL MY FAULT?!?”

“No!” Yuki fell to his knees in front of the cat. “It’s not like that! It couldn’t be helped!”

“IT WAS BECAUSE OF ME!”

“No. Listen to me…”

The kitty peeked up, peering through the sweaty hair that hung in his face. “Tell me the truth.” He gasped through his falling tears. “Was I there?”

Yuki looked away.

“WHY DIDN’T I STOP HIM?!?”

“You couldn’t, you tried. I told you, it couldn’t be helped.”

“But I could have… done something!”

Yuki shook his head. “Akito made Kureno hold you down.”

Kyo shuddered. It was all clear to him now. He hadn’t been dangling by some unseen force from the ceiling. It had been Kureno. His arms were securely held behind his back, knees held down and together by one of the rooster’s legs. ‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry!’ The man whispered repeatedly into his ear as Kyo cried for his demented god to stop.

“So it was violent.”

Yuki closed his eyes.

Kyo put his head between his knees. “I’m so sorry.” He choked. “I couldn’t…”

The rat’s warm hand latched onto Kyo’s. “Kyo, It’s O.K. It’s over. You don’t have to worry about the past anymore.”

“But I couldn’t…” Terror suddenly filled his eyes. “In my dream Akito didn’t finish, it was me!”

Yuki didn’t make eye contact; he bit his lip.

The kitty started to shake violently. “NO!” He cried. “WHY?!?”

Yuki grasped him tightly. “It’s O.K.! It’s over!”

“BUT I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE PROTECTING YOU!”

“You didn’t have a choice.” Yuki tried to lift the head of the shaking kitty. Kyo wouldn’t budge. The rat scooted in next to him, resting his head on the cat’s shoulder.

‘THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT!!!’ Akito’s voice echoed through the room. ‘HAVE IT FOR ALL I CARE!!!’ He threw the cat down to his knees. ‘Kureno!’ He ordered. ‘Make sure this vile creature is ready!’ Akito cracked his whip. ‘IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT, I’LL MAKE YOU HAVE IT!’ He laughed maniacally. Kureno’s hands shook as he unbuttoned the screaming cat’s pants. ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!’ Kyo screamed. Akito gave him a sadistic smile. ‘I’m sorry,’ whispered the rooster. He fondled the kitty’s penis until it was fully erect, taking the tip of it in his mouth. Kyo shuddered, struggling to contain his hormones. ‘Bring it over here.’ Akito ordered. Kureno pulled the cat behind Yuki. ‘OH, COME ON!’ Kyo snapped. ‘LIKE HELL IF I’M GOING TO…’ Akito’s whip broke across Yuki’s narrow back. ‘I think that you will.’ Kyo’s jaw dropped. ‘I c… can’t.’ He stammered. Another blow to his beloved rat. Yuki cried out in pain. ‘I think that you can.’ The demented god snapped. Kyo pressed into the trembling mouse. He could feel the tears flowing unabated from his cracked eyes. He pushed through the taught ring of muscles, praying he would lose his erection. Yuki was so warm so tight. He hesitated as a fresh round of tears poured down his cheeks. ‘FASTER!’ The god ordered as his whip again snapped the shaking rat. Kyo complied, it felt so good, but… ‘HARDER!’ SNAP! Akito was forcing him to cum, forcing him to pain the only one he wanted to protect. This was worse than pain, worse than death.

“Kyo, please don’t cry.” Yuki’s tender voice interrupted him from his vivid flashback. “That was a long time ago.”

The kitty shook his head. “I was supposed to be protecting you.” He whispered. His salty tears flowed to the corners of his mouth. “Not only was I the reason you got hurt, but I was the one doing it!!!”

“I’d rather it be you than him.”

The cat reached for Yuki’s broken face. “And now you’ve gotten hurt because of me again.”

Yuki sighed. “But I’m O.K. I’m used to it by now. If it wasn’t because of you it would have been for some other reason.” He snuggled into the kitty’s painfully stained face.

Kyo found a little comfort in the rat’s delicate embrace. He sighed. “I don’t understand. Why didn’t he just finish it himself?”

Yuki smirked. “Well, actually there is a rather interesting answer for that… Not to mention he’s a sadistic bastard!” He exhaled and his serious tone reclaimed his voice. “But really, he managed to rape us both, without even touching you.” He sighed and stroked the kitty’s hair. “Afterwards, you were more broken than I was.”

“So that’s why Hatori erased my memories?”

The rat nodded. “You wouldn’t touch me or look at me. You wouldn’t even get out of bed.”

“So I couldn’t even comfort you.” Kyo snorted. “What the hell kind of good am I?”

“No, I couldn’t comfort you.” The rat sighed. “I’d try, but you’d just cry more. When Akito gave the orders… I couldn’t fight him.”

Kyo looked into Yuki’s pleading eyes. “I can’t believe I just let them take you away from me! I ran away!” He choked. “All this time I’ve been telling you I wouldn’t… and I did!”

Yuki shook his head. “You didn’t know.”

“What?”

“We went to Hatori’s because you were ‘sick.’” The rat sighed. “You made me stay with you in case he tried to do something, but I let him do it anyway.”

“WHY?!?”

“I knew Hatori wouldn’t disobey Akito, and I knew I couldn’t either. But, Kyo Kyun… you weren’t you. You were broken and you weren’t getting better. I knew if you forgot about us, you’d be happy again. You’d hate me, but you’d be happy.”

“And you didn’t take my feelings into consideration?!?”

Yuki shook his head. “To watch you suffer…” He sighed. “It was selfish, I know. I’m sorry.”

Kyo leaned into the rat. “I’m sure I’d have done the same thing… release you I mean.” The kitty brushed Yuki’s hair out of his bruised and swollen face. “So you suffered alone. You couldn’t even tell me what was going on.”

“No. Hatori told me to stay away from you for a while. Your memories weren’t really gone, just suppressed. He said if I got close to you, things might come back, through your dreams and whatnot.”

The kitty nodded. “I get it.” He paused. “THAT LYING SON OF A BITCH!!! Stupid dragon!”

Yuki gave a weak laugh. “It was easier just to pretend you didn’t exist than to face you every day.” He gave the cat a sad smile. “But sometimes I’d look at you, and even though there was nothing but hatred for me reflecting in your eyes, I’d be happy because behind that hatred was a fire I feared I had killed. You smiled, you laughed, you flirted with Tohru… you were happy.”

Kyo pushed Yuki back onto his futon, laying his head on his chest. The rat winced, so the kitty shifted slightly. “Whatever, you flirted with Tohru way more!”

“I did not!”

“DID TO!”

“Jealous?”

Kyo blushed. “Maybe… BUT NOT BECAUSE I WANTED YOU!”

“Right, and that’s why you’re with me right now, and not Tohru?”

“Shut up.” Kyo gasped when he realized what Yuki had said. ‘With him… right now?’

He felt his heart float to the ceiling. He wasn’t even sure if the rat had meant to say it, but he didn’t care. He scooted up until his face was centimeters from Yuki’s. The tension was unbearable. Kyo could feel the rat’s hot breath on his lips as his eyes darted between them and the kitty’s eyes. The atmosphere was oppressive, Kyo could feel the weight of each molecule of air bearing down on his shoulders. The cat brushed his lips against Yuki’s, pressuring him, but not forcing a kiss. That would be the rat’s decision. Kyo captured Yuki’s bottom lip with his, dragging the moist underside across the soft skin. The rat moaned softly and parted his lips, pressing into a chaste, yet heartfelt kiss. Kyo pulled away. He stared into the confused and begging eyes of his lover. Once again, he felt as if he were going to cry. Yuki’s slender fingers slid through Kyo’s hair. They stopped at the base of his skull. The little mouse tilted his chin forward, pleading Kyo’s lips to reclaim their territory. Kyo heard a small cry escape from his own lips as he leaned forward. He wasn’t exactly sure what this meant for them, but he could always hope for the best. The kitty allowed Yuki’s shy tongue to graze his before he pressed in for a more passionate kiss. Yuki pulled back a little, pained by the tear in his lip. He let out a pitter of nervous laughter before recapturing Kyo’s anxious lips. The cat could taste the iron in Yuki’s mouth. The metallic taste of blood was almost sickening, it pained him to think of the rat’s suffering, but he didn’t dare shy away from these kisses. Uncertainty. Would these be the last kisses between the two? The kitty wouldn’t let this time slip away from him. He wanted to completely enclose him, to touch every inch of his body with his own. But Kyo knew that masked underneath Yuki’s tightly buttoned uniform lay wounds he could not even imagine. Kyo rolled onto his back, guiding the rat’s hips until they rested upon his own.

Yuki pulled away from him, resting his chin on Kyo’s collarbone. He sighed. “Kyo.” He whispered, shutting his eyes as tightly as he could. “I’m scared.”

The kitty ran his fingers through silky silver hair that danced on his chin, carefully avoiding the various lumps caused by Akito’s hand. “Me too.” He whispered. He gently clutched his love to his chest. His heart was broken, but there were no tears left to cry.

The two lay gently in the others arms until the sun rose high in the sky. Kyo brushed Yuki’s hair off of his forehead, giving it a tender kiss.

Kyo gave a loud sigh, not wanting this moment to end, but knowing what would be best for his broken mouse. “Yuki.” He whispered. “You should probably get cleaned up.” He sighed again. “We need to see if anything needs Hatori’s attention.”

The mouse nodded, struggling to stand. He stumbled to the floor. Kyo exhaled sharply, picking the rat up off of the floor. He cradled him in his arms, carrying him to the bathroom.

Yuki sighed frustrated. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

Kyo shrugged. “It happens.” He set the mouse on the floor, turning the showerhead on a nice warm temperature. The kitty turned. He was half surprised to see the rat struggling to undress himself. He grimaced, the wounds on the rat’s body were worse than he’d imagined. He was bruised beyond belief, with traces of Akito’s whip snaking in caked blood around his figure.

The rat let out a dejected sigh as he looked at his broken skin. He muttered something incoherent to himself, struggling to free himself from his pants. The kitty felt his heart pang in agony as he gazed upon the pitiful scene. And it was all his fault. He knelt beside the rat offering his assistance in the removal of his pants. He lifted the tiny mouse into the tub, gently sponging the tepid water over his back. Yuki winced as the water splashed down his skin.

The kitty struggled to swallow the lump forming in his throat. “I’m sorry.” He choked.

Kyo received a weak smile. “It’s O.K.” The rat whispered. “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is though.”

Yuki turned his head aside. “So we’re never going to get past this.” He stared blankly at his feet.

The kitty rested his head on the ceramic ledge. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as possible, trying to disappear, to somehow block out the pain in his gut. “What am I supposed to think?” He asked. “All I can ever seem to do is cause you pain.”

Yuki slipped his arms around Kyo, catching him off guard, and pulling him fully clothed into the tub, under the spray of water.

“DAMN RAT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?”

Yuki’s arms remained attached to the kitty. He rested his head on his back and gave him a sigh. “I’m glad you yelled at me.” He whispered.

Kyo’s brow furrowed. “What the hell for?!?” He muttered.

“There’s still… fire in your voice. I just wanted to hear it.”

“You’re nuts.”

Yuki shrugged.

The cat couldn’t help but smile, though. He gave a little chuckle, trying to decide whether he should get out and dried off, or strip down and join the rat in his bath. Yuki seemed to make the decision for him, sliding his hands beneath Kyo’s dripping shirt and struggling to pull it off. Kyo started to stand.

“Where are you going?” Yuki asked.

Kyo feigned a glare. “To get out of these wet clothes.”

He stepped out of the tub, finished undressing, and carefully slipped into the basin behind the battered rat. Yuki carefully leaned back against him, finding a position that didn’t pain him. Kyo gave him a soft kiss on the back of his neck, and rested his arms gently around the boy’s waist. He felt Yuki relax in his arms. So content. So heartbroken. He didn’t know what to think. He picked up the sponge and again began lightly washing the rat’s injuries. The kitty could feel Yuki cringing beneath his hands.

“Sorry.” The cat whispered.

The mouse offered a small nod, latching onto Kyo’s free hand. The kitty gently worked his way around Yuki’s body until every laceration was clean. Yuki relaxed against Kyo’s chest, heaving a large sigh as he went. The rat tilted his chin upwards and stared into the eyes of the boy behind him. Kyo felt his gaze soften the second he peeked into those violet eyes. He pushed Yuki’s hair out of his forehead before kissing it lightly. The rat seemed to be staring at him expectantly. Kyo wanted to kiss him.

‘It’s funny.’ Kyo thought. ‘I’m not uncomfortable being naked in a bath tub with him, but I’m afraid to kiss him.’

He chuckled softly as the weight of the world crashed on his shoulders. His emotions couldn’t get any more intense. He felt like one raw nerve stimulated one time too many. He leaned in with a small moan to capture the lips of the boy he loved so completely. Yuki let out a little whimper as their lips collided. Kyo could feel his heart break deepening. He pulled away suddenly earning a cry of protest from the rat.

“I’m sorry.” Kyo could feel tears forming where he thought there could be no more. “I can’t.”

Yuki looked sad, disappointed. “I understand.” He sighed and turned his face away from Kyo.

“I can’t because… I don’t know.”

Yuki didn’t respond, just picked nervously at the sponge in his lap.

“What I mean is I don’t know… about us. I don’t like this… uncertainty.”

“What are you asking?” Replied the emotionless voice of the rat.

Kyo sighed. “Are we together? Are we friends, enemies? Good friends who just kiss and take baths together?!?” The kitty sniffed loudly. “Because if that’s what we are I don’t think I can take it!” His forehead fell on Yuki’s shoulder. “Because I love you too much.”

Kyo felt Yuki’s shoulders slump. The rat shifted onto his side, wincing as he readjusted himself. “Ultimately,” the mouse began, “it’s up to you.”

Kyo’s head snapped up to meet Yuki’s steady vise .“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it is your decision.” He paused. “You have to realize that this,” Yuki motioned toward his broken body, “is not your fault.”

“But it is…”

Yuki interrupted him. “When you honestly understand that sometimes things happen that you can’t control, or that you can’t protect me from.” He bit his swollen lip and continued. “And when you realize that sometimes it will be you that will hurt me, not necessarily like this, but with your words or actions.” He paused. “That sometimes we will hurt the person we love because the people that we do love are the ones who are capable of hurting us the most.” Yuki cupped Kyo’s face gently. “When you’re O.K. with that, I’ll trust you not to run away.”

“But how can I…”

“I know that it’s worse to watch someone you love suffer than to suffer yourself.” He kissed Kyo gently on the cheek. “Maybe I’m just being selfish; I’m too weak to watch you crumble again, but those are my terms. If we’re ever going to grow we have to accept that fact that both of us are going to be hurt at sometime or another. When you can do that, I’ll have no reason not to trust you.”

Kyo stared blankly at the wall. Finally he stood and wrapped himself in a towel. He toggled the faucet so the water sprayed out to fill the tub instead of from the showerhead. After plugging the basin, he gathered his clothes and started to leave. He paused at the door, unsure of what to say.

“You’ll think about it then?” Yuki asked as the silence descended upon the boys.

Kyo nodded. “I’ll help you dress those cuts when you’re done bathing.” He slipped out of the room.

The cat sat on the couch, numb. He’d dried himself and changed, and now he sat staring blankly ahead trying to digest the day’s events. ‘Me… it was me…’ He thought. ‘And I can’t remember.’ His system was shocked.

Shigure’s voice startled the kitty. “How is he?”

Kyo jumped. “GAH!” He shuddered. “I didn’t know you were home.”

The dog sat on the couch next to the cat, giving him a reassuring smile. “I just got back.”

The kitty nodded. “He’s fine, taking a bath.” He toyed nervously with his fingers. “I don’t think there’s anything serious. It just looks a whole hell of a lot worse than it is.”

“That’s good.” Shigure tussled Kyo’s damp hair, giving him a knowing smile.

The cat looked away.

“And you?”

“Huh?” Kyo cocked his head.

“How are you?”

Kyo sighed. “Been better.”

“Might I assume he told you?”

He nodded, returning his attention to his fingers.

Shigure sighed heavily, giving Kyo a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.

“I want them back.” Kyo mumbled.

“What?”

“My memories… I want them back.” Kyo’s voice cracked. “I don’t remember my first kiss, or how it felt to hold him for the first time! I don’t remember being in love! I want them back! I want to remember!” He panted. “Call Hatori, tell him to give them back!”

“Kyo, it doesn’t work that way.” Shigure pulled him closer. “You don’t have your old memories, but you do have the opportunity to make new ones.” Shigure pointed at the bathroom door. “There’s someone in there who loves you, needs you, and doesn’t care that you don’t remember.”

“But I care.”

Shigure gave the cat an encouraging squeeze. “Well, they might come back.”

“HOW?!?” Kyo demanded.

“Slowly, I mean they aren’t really gone, just buried. Sometimes something will push them out. You know this from your nightmares.”

Kyo nodded. “Something like being around him would make them surface.” He paused. “Wait, when I was having all those dreams, the more he withdrew from me, the worse my dreams got. He was the only one who could comfort me.”

Shigure smiled. “And that is something Akito didn’t count on.”

“What?”

“Love. He tried, but he couldn’t kill it. Even though you didn’t know you were in love with him, you were. He pulled away from you and your subconscious reacted violently, throwing you images to lure him back.” Shigure sighed. “And you felt like you needed his forgiveness for what happened. Naturally he’d be your only solace.”

Kyo chewed on his lip.

“Might I assume that this time you pursued him relentlessly until he finally cracked.”

The kitty smiled, then he smiled a little broader, then he broke out into a small bout of laughter. He dropped his head in his hands and nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly what happened.” He recovered from his chuckling. “It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

Shigure laughed. “So you’re going to be O.K. this time?”

Kyo nodded, determined.

“Good, why don’t you go help him get out of the tub.”

Kyo smiled and walked deliberately to the bathroom. He peeked around the corner. “Ready?” He asked the rat.

The water shifted and the rat groaned. Kyo knelt beside the tub, capturing Yuki’s lips in a complete wave of passion. He pulled away. The rat sat confused, panting heavily in the water.

“Maybe I won’t always be able to protect you, but I’m sure as hell going to try.” He kissed the mouse again, brushing his tongue roughly over Yuki’s. “I love you!”

He plunged his arms into the water, firmly latching onto his love. He heard the tiny moan that escaped from Yuki’s lips as they collided with his own. Tears. But this time they were happy tears that spilled from one boy’s cheek onto the other’s, mingling until you couldn’t tell whose were whose.

Kyo pulled away one final time, teary eyes blazing the fiery determination that Yuki so adored. “I’m going to keep you if it kills me!”

“I trust you.” Yuki whispered.


AN: Out of curiosity, did everyone guess what \'suppressed\' really meant?