Bordellos on the wind

[Assaulted Batteries]

She hadn't meant to fall asleep. He was sure of that. Not in mid sentence anyway.

[The author or Kale?]

He hadn't really been listening either,

[Bonus point for D!

He doesn’t listen to anyone anyway. Unless its about a bounty]

and for that he was ashamed.

[Then he realized he didn’t care and wasn’t ashamed anymore.

D: I’m so ashamed of myself! I haven’t found a way to get this damn leech off of me! I’m so worthless, because I can’t get rid of her!]

He draped his cloak across her

[Ewww! It’s got Mary Sue cooties!

D: This way, I don’t have to look at her anymore.
And besides, don’t these places have SOMETHING on the bed?]

and retreated to the lav to bathe.

[Usually people bathe in the bathtub and not the toilet]

He preferred showers, but this place wasn't equipped with them. So he sat in the six-foot long; three-foot wide troth

[This place has a bathtub big enough to fit two, maybe three, people and it doesn’t have a shower?

He sat in something stocstock ate out of? How’s that going to make him clean?]

lathering himself as best he could.

"You know," said the sym. As though the statement were hindsight.

[As though those two sentences should be separate.

As though it didn’t take three tries to make sense of it.]

"She won't put up much of a fuss if you gave her a little nip. Or better yet, you could stick that thing in her and see if she'll..." D slammed his hand into the water, then after a moment took it out.

[Why take it out? Doesn’t he want to get rid of the symbiote? Is he baptizing it?

What the hell does the symbiote mean by thing? Is it telling him to have sex with Kale? When did the symbiote develop a sex drive? Since when does it give D love advice? Since when did its standards drop so low?]

"Keep it up and I'll drown you!"

[Drowning requires you keeping that hand of yours underwater longer, D.]

The symbiot coughed, "I was only trying to..."

[--Skip to the sex and biting so we can forego a few chapters.

--Get some lines. Unless I’m telling you to boink the Mary Sue, I can’t get any lines!]

"DON'T! She's not for any of that.

[She’s a lesbian and Mary Sue blood tastes like shit.

If she’s not for ‘any of that’, why are they in a bordello? Isn’t that mixed messages?]

Once she learns the ways of this world, I'll go my own way."

[The ways of this world? Is she going to learn magic or find religion?

Is she going to learn about sex? What the hell is ‘Ways’ a euphemism for?]

He rinsed himself off and squeezed the water from his long hair.

The thunder had started.

[Its raining in the bathroom? I thought the rain stopped. Did it start again? Hey, D, here’s that shower you wanted!

A bathroom big enough for a rainstorm and THERE IS NO SHOWER?]

The storm was getting worse. He rapped a towel

[Leave the towel alone, D, it didn’t do anything to you!

Towel: I’ve been violated!
Kale: What’s going on in there?
D: Nothing.]

around his waist and secured it.

[With what? How’s the towel going to stay up? Oh, wait, I forgot how girly D looks. Why the hell does D have good birthing hips if he’s a boy? No, I’m serious. Look at him in Bloodlust.]

Then grabbing another, he started drying his hair. He left the lav and went to the window to gage

the clouds,

just as a loud crack of thundrokeroke her dreams and she sat up startled.

a g a girl now? When was he asleep? It’s Vampire Hunter ½!]

D froze. She still had her glasses on.

[So take them off of her quickly, D!]

Which meant she could see him clearly, and she was looking right at him.

[And no doubt drooling. Personally, I think D looks hot, but seeing him wearing a towel around his hips and one on his hair would be more confusing than a turn-on.

Or maybe she was scared of him, because he just rapped a towe
I
I cheated and read the sequel. Please tell me ‘rapped’ is a misspelling of ‘wrapped’ and not ‘raped’ like in the sequel]

With modesty he lowered the second towel to cover his chest making sure his left hand was covered.

[Why? He doesn’t have boobs. Or did I actually read that right and he DID turn into a girl. Then again, if he is a girl, I doubt he cares is another girl is staring at him.
D: Damn my father taking me to china!

He took off Leila’s shirt to ‘bandage her wounds’, and now he has modesty?]

"You all right?" he asked quietly.

[Kale: Yes!
D: Damn.

Kale: Did you dye your hair red?
D: Sorry about this.
Kale: Did that sound like a panda?]

She caught her breath from her fright,

[At the thought of Ramika turning into a cat, Borgoff turning into a pig, Kyle turning into a duck…]

and tried to calm her pounding heart.

]Her heart is supposed to be pounding, otherwise, she’d be dead. Hey! No, wait!lm ylm you heart, Kale! Calm it as fast and as much as you can!]

She then turned her head from him, giving him the respect he'd more than given her these past two months.

[So she openly gawked, as he forced her to wear a body suit, dragged her to a bordello, and demanded she sell her stuff?]

"I'm fine," she blushed, as another clap of thunder sounded.

[Or she ducked under the covers and D took a picture. Ha ha! What? I like Blue Seed.]

She looked at the ceiling as the sound faded away.

"Are you afraid of thunder?"

[Kale: Its not obvious?
D: That was rhetorical

D: Great! Now I’ll shove you into a pit full of thunder until you tell me how to find the sacred ark.]

"No, its just when..."

[Sound follows a bolt of lightning]

the lightning flashed brightly outside the window as another crash of thunder boomed overhead. "The storm's right on top of us!"

[Or right next to you, depending on how you look at it. Besides, no one makes bordellos out of metal.]

"Easy," he said,

[Yes, she probably is]

nearing the bed. "These storms don't last." She clutched his cloak to her,

[Kale: D, do I LOOK like a coat rack?
D: Uh, yes?
Kale *Slaps D*
Paras You You really need to learn how to lie. It’s an essential part of having a conversation.
D: Did this just become Red Dwarf?
Parasite: All hands on deck! Swirly thing alert!]

covering her eyes with its broad collar.

[D: Do I look that bad?
Kale: No, it’s just that your towel slipped]

More as to not look at his magnificent nakedness,

[So the towel DID slip?

So she made up a phobia so she wouldn’t have to look at D? Did D get a hell of a lot uglier?]

than to not let him see her cry.

[Why the HELL is she crying?

Was the thunder so loud it broke her eardrums? Did her pet thunder die when she was a kid? Did a gang of thunder kill her family?]

"Easy. I'm going to get dressed. I'll just be a minute."

[Kale: Actually, I could use the distraction, don’t get dressed.

Kale: Actually, I was thinking of pimping you out, so don’t bother. Put on a miniskirt.]

She closed her eyes tight, trying to block out his image.

[Does he have some sort or hideous tattoo I never heard about? How bad can it be?

‘Image, huh’? Is that some new slang word for ‘dick’?]

Chiseled muscles across a broad chest, strong shoulders, slender sculpted arms, large strong but gentle

[--erection, hopefully. Hey, I want some D sex, and I want it now!

If he looks so good, why not take a good look? Her logic confuses me.

Come on! You’re already in a bordello and he has his clothes off! What more do you need?

A condom? A way to get rid of the hand, so it won’t comment?]

hands, long muscled legs, washboard abs.

[--That just begged to be used to clean laundry.

Someone explain to me the difference between ‘washboard abs’ and ‘six-pack abs’]


'God, I don't need this,' she begged.

[Kale: I want to get it on with a girl! Where the hell are all the yuri fanfics?
D: What are you talking about?
Kale: Turn back into a girl RIGHT NOW!
D: I k yok you’re confusing me with Kyle.
Kale: I don’t care! Go find me a damn woman if you won’t turn into one!
D: How did I get into this?
Parasite: Can we stay and watch? This seems like a much better story]

She heard the lav door close and latch.

[Kale: You’d better not be jacking off in there!

D: Too late!]

"Now that shocked her," laughed the symbiot.

[D: The thought of me jacking off?

D: My washboard abs?

Parasite: What’s a washboard? Is that some anachronism she knows t but but we don’t?]

"Hush!" he said quickly throwing on his clothes.

[Try putting your clothes on, not just throwing them at yourself. Besides, with all the layers he wears, he can’t just throw them on.

D: I don’t understand! I’m still naked! Why isn’t this working?]

"Did you see the look on her face when she saw you! I bet she thought you were gona jump right in..."

[Where? Wouldn’t that hurt Kale? What about foreplay?

And we can skip a whole bunch of chapters]

"Enough!" he snapped quietly. "Or I'll drown you for sure."

[D never let out the bath water, apparently.]

"All right, all right. But just think about it.

[You are SO barking up the wrong tree. Petunias have more sex drive than D]

You two would be almost the same age, so it wouldn't be like robbing the cradle you know."

[Look, we get the hint. Stop playing matchmaker a la every single $6.99 romance book ever written!

Um, she’s not mentally 10,000, or even 18.

I don’t think losers are his type]

D closed his eyes. The sym was right about that at least. There wt ant anyone alive out side vampire circles that he could talk to about his earlier years.

[And as we all know, the chances of hooking up D with a vampire are the same as the pope getting it on with a supermodel.

What is he going to talk about? As far as I know, D has been killing vampires, will kill vampires, and has always killed vampires. That’s not a very good conversation starter.]

And yet now here she was.

[No, THERE she was. She wasn’t in the bathroom with him.

Kale: HI! *waves camera* Now bend over…]

10,000 years removed from all she knew and loved.

[She’s never going to know what happened on Survivor.]

But how could he tell her that he understood.

[Try: ‘I understand.’ You didn’t seem to have any problem with yakking your head off earlier.]

He picked up a hairbrush and left the lav. He couldn't see anything in the room's pathetic mirror anyway.

[He’s still undressed. Did his clothes run away?

Apparently the author hasn’t watched Bloodlust when she wrote this. Then again, why would D be vain enough to need a mirror anyway?]

As he opened the door, he heard something.

[It IS a giant Panda! Maybe if he throws water on Kale, she’ll turn into something he can cook and eat. Or maybe she’ll turn into someone actually sexy!

Maybe Kale got ‘hot and bothered’ by the sounds coming from next door, and decided to do something about it.]

It was Kale, singing, soft, low, and sadly.

[Wow, Mary Sue is great at music, who would’ve guessed?

Wow, the main character likes Kale, she’s extremely beautiful, and intelligent! And she can SING! I never would have guessed! Why, yes, I’d love to purchase the Brooklyn Bridge!]

She said she sang to cheer herself up, how could this be if the song she sang was so sad.

[How can that be a question with no question mark.

How can it be that D cares. How can it be that D is still standing around, half-naked and wet. How can it be that this fic is still in the bordello.

How come I’m covered in drool.]

He stayed back and listened.
"...and the lightning flashes in her eyes and he knows that she knows, and the thunder rolls, and the thunder rolls, the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold, on a sleepless night, as the storm blows on out of control, deep in her heart the thunder rolls..." she then started tapping the device, who's wire led to her earphones. "Don't do this. Not now!"

[Is it symbolism for not having sex in a metal tower during a thunder storm?

When did the “device” come in? Vibrators don’t have earphone attachments normally…]

"That was nice," D said, returning from the lav brushing his hair.

[D: You weren’t ogling me then! I’m going to sue for sexual harassment!
Kale: Don’t do that, sweet cheeks!]

She looked a little sheepish.

[D’s stuck with a sheepish Mary Sue? What is this? Redneck porn?]

I don't usually sing in front of people," she said, sliding the ear peaces off her head.

[Earpieces is one word, and its spelled ‘pieces’]

"What's wrong?"

"The batteries are dead. I didn't want to start on the new ones till I found something else to put in when they're gone."

[She didn’t think that 5 seconds ago, when she was listening to them.

She’s listening to a cassette player. Cassette players don’t stop when the batteries run down, they get more and more grainy and staticy in the music until all you can hear is static. Her batteries aren’t dead, they took a flying leap!

Batteries: Good bye, foul fic!]

She put her music box back in her bag and watched D as he brushed his long hair. She could tell it was awkward for him, so she slid to the middle of the bed and turned to face him. "Come here before you hurt yourself," she said.

[With a hairbrush? He’s going to hurt himself with a hairbrush?]

"No, I'm fine."

[Translation: Keep away you loony! Like I’m going to hurt myself with a hairbrush

Kale: I’m afraid that you might try to stick it up you ass! Oh, look at all of the colors! Yes, Mr. Leprechaun, I should kill everyone in sight! Machine gun or fire? Right!]

"Please. You've done so much for me, at least let me help you with your hair."

[He saves her life and she brushes his hair? That’s pathetic!

He saves her life, rescues her from horny man#1, walks around half naked and wet, and all she does is brush his hair? She’s getting the better end of the bargain.]

Why not.

[Heck, why use question marks.]

It was only his hair. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his back to her. She had to sit up on her knees to reach the top of his head. "God you are tall."

"Almost seven feet," he said, as she began parting his hair. "How long will this take?"

"Till your hair is dry," she said,

[With hair that long? That’s going to take forever!

100 years from now:
D: Okay! It’s dry
Kale’s withered corpse:…
D: Fine, be that way.

D is vain enough to care if his hair is frizzy? Since when?]

beginning the strokes down his auburn mane. He tried to turn and take the brush,

[D: Ow! You’re pulling!
Kale: Well, you’re moving, if you stop, it won’t hurt!
D: Who are you my mom?
Kale: Just stop moving and it t hut hurt!]

but she pushed his hands away and continued. "Look. I don't have a hair dryer, I haI had to do this till my hair was dry, otherwise I'd have curls that make me look like Shirley Temple."

[Trust me, Kale, she was much easier on my stomach than you are]

"Who?" He had to admit, he didn't recognize that name.

[He’s so lucky!]

"Child actress with really curly hair long time ago. Now turn around and sit still. The sooner I start the sooner I finish."

[She hasn’t started?]

He did.

[OH MY GOD! The suspense! I thought D was going to get his sword, and then stab Kale through the stomach, and then rip her intestines out…But I would have never thought he would have turned around!]

It wasn't all that bad. She gently worked out tangles and offered to look for a hair conditioner for


[Is this supposed to be romantic? I can’t tell. When I go to the barber, it’s as romantic as a filing cabinet.]

He didn't comment. It was soothing, the rhythmic stroking of his hair, the brush bristles gently massaging his scalp. He could feel his hair becoming lighter as it dried. Unfortunately his shirt had become damp as the water shed from his locks. Then, suddenly, it stopped. He turned as she came and sat next to him, handing the brush to him as she settled. "All done."

[D: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…]

"Thank you." He returned the brush to the lav and retrieved his cloak from the bed. He secured it around his shoulders

[He’s still not wearing anything. Is this a fashion statement?]

and drew the curtains across the window.

[No witnesses!]

"It's getting late. You better get some sleep. We'll head out tomorrow to the shops. We'll sell those things and get you some warmer clothes."

"I don't feel tired," she said, lying. "I've slept enough anyway. Do you have a deck of cards?"

"Yes, why?" he answered, going through his other saddlebag.

[D has a deck of cards? Since when? Who the hell are you and what have you done with D?]

"Solitaire. It's a single person card game. It's a little addictive, its quiet and easy to play. You go ahead and sleep." She took the cards from him and proceeded to the table.

"Kale, I..."

[D :--Don’t think you’re playing with a full deck, really
Kale: No, they’ll hll here.
D: No, I…damnit, I should have said that earlier!]

"Go ahead. I'm gona play cards."

"It's not what you think. Kale, you're tired.

[D: I’m not trying to take advantage of you, really!
Kale: I never said anything like that.
D: My bad. Ignore it.]

You're still very week.

[Kale is so wonderful that she transcends the border between time and matter?]

You should rest."

[And I’m cranky in the morning. I AM half-vampire. I’ve torn the heads off lots of people just trying to get to the coffee machine.]

"I've slept enough. I don't even know for how long, for God's sake!"

[Then how do you know it’s enough?

And didn’t it almost kill you? Sleep shouldn’t do that, really.]

D pondered that for a moment. "What is the last date you remember?" Should he tell her?

[Kale: This guy who was trying to be a rock star, he had all these tattoos…
D: That’s not what I meant.
Kale: We did it on the roof of his car!
D: Go on…]

"May 25th, 2001." She searched his eyes. He knew how long, he had to.

[And she uses ‘peachy?’ She’s not just an anachronism in this time, but she was one in her own time.]

"Will it make a difference?" he asked.

"To me," she said, her tone telling him to say it.

[Great, the author is Doris, stating the most obvious.]

He drew a settling breath, more for her than for himself. This is gona hit hard.

[Yay! He’s going to punch her in the face!]

"10,099 years." She stood there. Shock etched across her face. She looked at the cards in her hands. They were a relatively new deck. The box was still on them, their corners worn from being packed in saddlebags for long periods of time. He could see the tears forming in her eyes. He stepped closer to her, cautiously. If she tried to kick him as before with her newfound strength and balance,

D[oes that jelly give people superhuman strength?]

she might actually get lucky and graze him,

[He’s afraid she’ll graze him? When did D become such a wuss?]

if he wasn't careful. She suddenly turned and threw the deck of cards against the far wall, screaming as she hurled them.

[Time that Kale has been violent, comatose, or had a seizure: 5,679 hours
Time that Kale has been normal: 15 seconds ]

He took hold of her, holding her to him.

[Duh.]

Realization of her long slumber shattering her resolve. "My home! My life! My Family!!!"

[They randomly threw her into jelly, and she misses them?

Her home: an over taxed, stuffy box.
Her life: non-existent:
Her family: a bunch of whiny brats and people begging her for grandkids and trying to live her life.
Kale: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
D: Huh?
Kale: I’m free!
D: You’re insane!
Kale: All those losers are gone!]

He let her collapse to the floor, still holding her he followed. "...My Father!!!" she screamed, trying to break his grasp of her. She succumbed to fits of tears, no longer fighting him. For some reason he began to rock her back and forth.

[D; Maybe if I shake her really violently, her neck will snap and people will think it happened because we were doing it too hard. Then I’ll be rid of her and I won’t be held responsible.

Whenever Kale has an emotional crisis, D grabs her. Is it just me, or has D not gotten laid in centuries?]

"Let it go," he whispered, moving her hair back. "Let it go."

[The cards? She already threw them at the wall!]

After a time, he found she'd cried herself to sleep. He carefully picked her up and lay her on the bed,

[She fell asleep standing up?

We finally see the sex and she’s unconscious? Oh, wait…never mind, sorry.]

folding the covers over her and drying her tears. He turned down the oil lamps and laid out on the floor,

[Ewww! D! Oh, wait, never mind.]

taking one of the pillows from the bed. He'd spent all nights like this.

[He always rented out a bordello room and slept on the floor?]

Not wanting her to be afraid, waking, to find a strange man next to her.

[Sounds like D slept with men only to wake up as a girl and not remember the night before]

"She'll pull through," the sym said quietly.

[D: Damn]

"I know. She's go too much fight in her to just give up now."

[‘Fight’? She has ‘fight’ in her? So far, she’s done more sleeping/seizures than anything else.]

He closed his eyes and relaxed. He didn't really sleep. More over he dozed lightly.

[And drooled heavily]

What deeper sleep he needed, he'd get elsewhere. A safer place than this.

She opened her eyes and looked around. He wasn't there. She couldn't see him anywhere, and the lav door was open, so he wasn't in there. She threw the covers off and strode to the lav. She didn't need to use it, she just needed the mirror.

[Kale: Yoink! *takes mirror*]

Soaking one of the rag cloths, she wiped the dirt away as best she could and looked at her reflection.

[What dirt? Jelly, yes. Food, yes. But where did dirt come in?]

"What have you gotten yourself into now?" she asked the face staring back at her. "No answers? That figures."

[There’s a twist: a Mary Sue with Schizophrenia

She’s...talking…to the...mirror…?]

She wiped her hands with the cloth. "You never did have a clue, did you?"

[And she still doesn’t, and she never will

She’s...talking…to the… mirror…?]

D opened his eyes. She was talking to herself. Why? He listened. "You always were stubborn, weren't you. Too stubborn to admit you needed help, stubborn to keep your own ways." She looked at her bare ring finger on her left hand. "and too stubborn to marry him when you had the chance."

[*Gasp* You mean someone proposed to THAT?]

She tossed the rag into the sink and went to the main room window.

Peering through the curtains, she saw the sun rise. "Now what do I do?"

[D: Walk around in a moogle costume. That’s what I had planned before I met you.]

"Survive." D said softly, putting the pillow on the bed. "You've lived for a reason. You'll find out why."

[You lived because somiotsiots threw you into jelly. That’s not a good reason.]

"Did you sleep on the floor all night?" He nodded as though it were nothing, which is what it was. Nothing. "You didn't have to, but I understand why. Thank you." She turned back to the sunrise. "What did survive?"

"Some of the inner cities still stood. Though without any kind of government, things didn't progress for a long time.

[Things don’t progress WITH government, so it really doesn’t matter.]

Then when they did, it was all based on surviving a world gone mad."

[A world gone mad? The world is a rock spinning through space, not a sentient lifeform. How can it be mad, and what’s it going to do if it is?]

"English language lives. That's good."

[Yeah, she’d be screwed otherwise.

Kale: Nani desu ka?]

"Its spoken all over the world. Though the writing has changed. Judging by the books I saw in the store room."

[The keep using words like ‘Wassup?’ and ‘Aight’]

"Great. English has finally concurred the world.

[As has bad spelling

English has agreed with the world? No, not really, because that didn’t make sense.]

Too bad they had to destroy it to do it."

[That’s English for you

They destroyed English? You bastards!]

"Things are different now. Kale, listen. You mustn't mention that you're an Arker.

[Because they might think that you are from Arkansas.]

People believe that Arker's were horrible people bent on bringing war and destruction back with them.

[Well, if it’s covered in jelly, it must be evil…]

The only blessing is that no one else has ever survived an Ark. They'll kill you if they find out about you."

"I won't tell them." She stood across the bed from him as she continued. "I don't even want to know what I am."

[1. An idiot
2. A Schizo
3. A Mary Sue
4: An idiot
5. A twit
6. Someone who makes Aya from Weiss look like he has layers of personalities.
7. An idiot
8. A blackhole when it comes to plot
9. BORING
10. A boring idiot.

Kale: And neither does the leprechaun! Yes, I will burn the house down!]

"You'll make it."

"You sound so sure."

"I am. You have a strength in you that wont fail. Its what made you keep trying to grab my sword when I found you. It's there. You'll find it again."

[No, that means she has at least three IQ points more than a potato, not that she’s strong.

It also means that’s she perfectly willing to grab the blades of pointy objects.]

They descended the stairs, their belongings slung across their backs. D stepped up to the barkeeper and handed him some odd paper bills.

[Which is dumb, because all Currency is coins, watch Bloodlust.]

"This should cover my bill." D remarked coldly, and walked away. The man glared at the girl as she passed.

The gruff looking bald man had a huge bruise covering his right eye, causing the eyelid to swell. "D, what happened to his eye?" she asked.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with." She got a bad feeling and lagged behind,

[If you have a bad feeling, sticking close to Mr. Half-vampire-badass is probably a good idea.]

suddenly doubting everything she believed about him. He could tell she wasn't following him anymore and stopped. "Yes, I gave him the black eye."

[D: Here, have a black eye
Man: No, thanks.
D: I insist. *punch*]

He turned and stepped up to her shoulder.

[He stepped up to her shoulder? Did he get really small? Is Kale just really tall?]

"It was the only way he'd shut down the room. He insinuated that we enjoyed the noise."

[He defended a woman’s honor in a bordello? He was the nut who went in there in the first place! When did D become such an idiot?]

He put a gentle hand on her elbow.

[Then put it back on his wrist]

"Let's go. I hope you know how to ride horses." His touch reassured her of his gentleman's nature,

[albeit a stupid gentleman’s nature]

and she brightened at the thought of ridding a horse once again.

[Ridding the horse of what?]

"Horses survived?" she whispered joyously.

[Yes, you see, properly taken care of, horses can live up to 10,000 years. Don’t you know anything?]

"Not the way you remember, but yes."

[D: They are now wooly, short legged, and short.
Kale: That’s a sheep
D: It’s a horse, you’ve been in stasis for thousands of years
Kale: I know what a fucking sheep looks like!
D: It’s a horse!]

He led her to a stable next to the inn and led a blue metal horse from a stall. It was definitely a horse at one time he explained.

[Huh? So this thing is a horse, but he has to explain it? He explained that this was a horse in the past? Did that make sense to you?]

"To better have the horses survive the new hardships, scientists cyberized them.

[And destroyed grammar as you know it]

There are still real horses, but they can't run wild. They'd be wiped out."

She put her hand to the middle of the cyborg's head between its eyes.

[Which would scare the shit out of a normal horse.]

The animal/machine lowered its head slightly and exhaled.

[Mary sue/self insertion/original character got her hand/limb/arm bitten off for doing that/putting her hand on the horse/what she did.]

"A horse is still a horse I guess,"

[Unless you want a specific breed]

she said.

"Get on, I'll sit behind you."

[D: I said HORSES. As in plural. And get off, this is my horse. Your horse is over there.
Horse: Baaaah!
Kale: That’s a sheep!
D: No, It’s a horse!]

She mounted the saddle, rather awkwardly, but, nonetheless, with an air of the experienced rider she once was.

[Wait, if they had all that money, why couldn’t they buy another horse? Is this town a ‘one-horse town’, with only one horse allowed per person, and Mary Sues don’t count?]

She hoped D would credit her movements to muscles that hadn't been used in over 10,000 years, rather than her hiatus from ridding before that.

[Is she a compulsive liar? That would explain the glasses thing.

She knows about riding and she can’t even spell it?]

D slid up behind her, after she slid her bag around to lay across her lap. He towered above her in the saddle. Her head barely reached his shoulders. She tensed as his chest pressed against her back, his legs sliding just below hers on either side; his arms came around her and gripped the reins. "Relax," he said, walking the horse from the stable.

[Did he get off to walk the horse, or is he in two places at once?]

"You'll only make yourself sore if you stiffen up like that."

[That taken out of context…would be a lemon scene.]

"Sorry. I've never ridden double before."

[Sure you have… oh, you mean on a horse, clothes and all.]

"We'll get you a horse of your own on the other side." He guided the horse down the road, crowded with dozens of people, other riders, carriages, wagons, and cyborg horses of all colors and sizes. She did try to relax, but found it difficult. D was against her,

[Me too.]

their bodies moving to the rhythm of the horse's movement.

She couldn't take it.

[Look, you’re riding the same horse! Whatever happened to being modest and professional and forgetting about it?]

"D, can I ride behind you? Please?"

[*Suspicious Alert! suspicious alert!*]

"When we mount up again if you wish. Is something wrong?"

She blushed. What could she tell him?

[That she felt like they were doing it doggy style on a horse?]

She was glad he couldn't see her face. "I think I'd be more comfortable," she said, swallowing her embarrassment. D nodded, even though she couldn't see.

He'd gone down the street as far as the street would allow them to go, being too heavily crowded with other people,

[Who weren’t smart enough to get out of the way of a cyber horse,

People: AAAAAh! *Squish squish splat*
Horse: Baaa!]

their horses, and wagons, and turned right, about three streets before the dock area. They continued on, passing a dozen streets until D stopped in front of a building that looked a bit like a small inn. The window had symbols and letters all mixed together.

[Why did the sign melt?]

D noticed her looking and translated the words for her. "QUIBB'S BUY & SELL," he said,

[Did English survive or not? Or is the sign just in really bad handwriting?]

as he dismounted. "He's a fair buyer, he'll give us the best price."

[Kale: For what? The horse, me, or you?]

"Maybe you should go in. I can wait here."

D bent and fastened a set of short-chained cuffs

[Having bondage sex in public? Kinky!

With a horse?]

around the horse's front legs.

[It’s a horse, not a bike, D.

It’s hobbling the horse, so it can’t run away. It just walks really slow, or “hobbles”.]

"Not likely," he said, and pulled her out of the saddle. "In this town, you stay with me."

"Kay, no need to get rough."

[Yes, get rough, please. Punch and slap her, start a brawl, Do kinky things! Anything!

Baa!

D’s nickname is Kay?

"Sorry. But those men over there are watching. Don't look. They'll move on."

D, it’s the middle of the day and EVERYONE is watching, they’re just going to whistle and give catcalls, not take advantage of her or kill her.]

"What do they want?"

"You," he said, leading her to the buyer's door.

"Why?" D merely paused. She knew then. "Oh."

[Kale: *Punches D* That’s for taking me to a goddamn bordello! *Punches him again* That’s for giving every single guy in the city nasty ideas *Punches author* This is for taking away my personality and putting me in the crappiest place ever!

Took her long enough to figure it out. Considering she’s been accosted before.]

"Just stay with me, and stay close." He opened the door and steppnsidnside, Kale close at hand.

The man behind the counter looked up from examining a necklace of precious stones.

[Who the hell sells jewelry and cyber-horses? Oh, both are made of metal—close enough, right? Despite that one eats, and you wear the other.]

He had glasses that made his eyes appear three times their size, when someone looked at him.

[If a man is wearing glasses, but no one is there is see them, do they make his eyes appear three times bigger?]

His hair was gray and thin, but at least it covered his head.

[Like a hair hat!]

"I'll be right with you," he said, sliding the jewels back under the counter. He then waddled, rather than walked,

[He’s an aging penguin!]

down the counter space to where the pair stood. He flipped up an outer layer of lenses and looked upon the tallest figure. "Ah, you again. I see you chose to deal with me rather than those cheats down the street.

[Hey! It’s Gheed from Diablo!]

We'll lets have a look."

[Gheed: She’s ugly.
Kale: The horse isn’t that bad!]

He pulled out a sheet of velvet and laid it over the glass. D reached into his saddlebag and removed another sheet of velvet of nearly the same color.

[Why are you guys exchanging clothing swatches?

D’s a member of the Quilters and Vampire Hunter’s Association?

Who the hell has enough money to use VELVET as DISHRAGS?]

He unrolled it to show all the chains, rings, earrings, and bracelets pinned and held neat

[So, it wasn’t a sheet, was it.

What exactly is a neat?]

to keep them from tangling.

[Rings are going to tangle?]

The man then flipped ext extra lenses back down and began scrutinizing each peace.

[Gheed: I sell, buy, trade, and control war!

Gheed: They’re all junk costume jewelry. These are all glass, not even fake. It’s like you were so poor you worked at a grocery store to earn the money for these…

Gheed: These still have price tags on them…]

They stood silently watching him as he placed the items he examined into two piles. It took nearly an hour for him to finish. In all that time, D never moved.

[My, god, he’s dead!]

He didn't even look up as Kale wandered around the small shop looking into cases, and the ornaments on various shelves.

[Looking for something to get her klepto hands on

D: Have you gained weight?
Kale: *Jingle jingle* …No.]

The man finally flipped up his lenses and scratched his ear as he spoke. "The work is exquisite, are you sure you want to part with it all?"

"Yes," said Kale, stepping next to D.

"Where'd you get all his?his?" The two were silent. "If I find out its been stolen..."

"It hasn't been," said Kale solemly.

[What’s a solem? How does one solem? What’s going on?]

"You could say it's my inheritance."

[You could also say its not stealing if the person has been dead for a few millenia

Right. That’s grave robbing.]

"Even still. Someone comes looking, and I'll put them onto your asses, faster than a hungry beast to his first meal."

[How? It’s not like they have social security numbers or something.]

"I understand," said Kale, "but no one will come." D still didn't move.

"All right. This stuff here is fake, I can't give you much for that. But the whole package...I'll give you 2000."

[Exquisite AND fake? All he cares about are the rocks? Wouldn’t he pay attention to see if anything is gold filled as opposed to gold plated or silver or brass?

Exquiste and Fake? So it’s plastic, but well done plastic?]

Kale looked to D. He nd. Kd. Kale then turned to the man and nodded. He disappeared into the back room. "2000 dollars?" she said quietly.

"Not exactly. Currency has also changed. The world now uses peaces and bits.

[First, it’s ‘pieces’ second, ‘bits and pieces’ is the lamest name for currency, third, you just let her blatantly state she doesn’t even know modern currency in front of a stranger, yeah, he’s not going to suspect a thing.

Gheed: Oh, odd people come in here all of the time. Why, just last week, three girls from ‘TOH-KI-O’came in…]

Bits being the smallest. He's giving you 2000 peaces. Which is higher than even I expected."

[But still useless. Hey, does this mean Polk was an Arker too?]

Just then the man returned with the money and a peace of paper.

[That’s one happy paper

Paper: *singing* Joy to the world…!

And, pieces refers to when people had gold currency, and broke them off into pieces, hence the name. Who the hell rips paper bills up?]

"Sign here please." D snatched the pen and scrawled his title

[What title? ‘Son of blood-sucking king’? Angst-y main character? Idiot whose hand talks back to him?]

and name to the sheet.

[Gheed: D? I think you forgot to spell the rest of your name
D: That is my name
Gheed: One letter?
D: Why do I have to go through this with EVERYONE?
Kale: Try getting a real name
D: Look who’s talking! You’re a vegetable!
Gheed: You got some ID?]

If he'd seen Kale's writing there'd be trouble.

[What? Bad handwriting? What’s wrong with that? Actually, if it’s that bad, no one’s going to notice it written in ancient English

Didn’t the vampires write in German? Meier is holding a piece of paper with German on it. Either that, or it’s just REALLY fancy stationary…
Meier: I think Carmilla needs new stationary. What the hell is ‘Koo-ni-chi-wa?’]

"My friend can't read or write," he said.

[Gheed: That’s okay, I don’t have a license.

Gheed: That’s okay, I’m not wearing clothes.
D: What a coincidence, neither am I!]

"P" sa" said Quibb. "You'll keep tabs on her, I hope."

[D: No, I’ll keep a leash on her, its easier.

What? A bar tab?]

"Where I am she will be."

[And vice versa.

D: *Yanks on leash*]

D took the money from the shopkeeper and secured a portion of it in several different pockets of his cloak and belts.

[Belts? So he has a utility belt AND a combat belt AND various storage belts?

They’re all too small to hold all of it? Is D afraid someone’s going to rob a seven foot tall guy dressed in all black with a sword?

Cloaks have pockets?]

He then turned and stuffed a small amount into Kale's bag, and the rest in her jean pockets as well.

[Kale: Hey! Do that again! Shove your hands in my pockets again!
D: Uh, okay.
Kale: Now move that finger, no the other one, and…
D: Uhhh…
Gheed: Cool.
Horse: Baaa.
D: Shut. Up.
Horse: Baaa.]

"We thank you."

[We who? Kale and her alter Ego? D and the parasite? D and the parasite on his hand? Gheed and his alter ego?]

"Good doing business with you."

They stepped out of the shop and D unlocked the horse's legs. As promised he mounted first, adjusted his cloak, then reached for Kale's hand. Her foot in the stirrup she swung herself up behind him and put her arms around his waist. Yes, this was much better. "Not so tight," he said,

[You’ve slept around a lot haven’t you? Oh, she’s holding him with her ARMS.

Kale: I’m trying but I’m either sliding off, or smashing my face into your sword!

Just how is he going to reach the sword with Kale in the way? Is he going to use HER as a weapon?
D: Dumb Mary Sue attack! Self insert slash!]

as he guided his horse back down the street they came up. She realized he'd clenched her arms around him tight enough to cut off the circulation of blood to his lower extremities, if she didn't let go.

[Don’t worry, he’s not using them.

Never has, never will.

Well,ept ept that one time, with the Boy Scouts.]

"Sorry," she said, and gathered handfuls of his cloak instead.

"It's alright." He said. "We won't have to ride like this for long." She blushed.

[You stick someone mentally nine years old in a town where people get violent if they go five minutes without sex? Please explain].

He knew she was nervous about holding on to him, or him holding her, as they rode. She really didn't need this kind of aggravation.

[I do! I do!

We could sell tickets! ]

He stopped the horse again in front of another shop and slid down,

[How do you slide off a horse? How do you slide off a horse, with someone in the way? Can D turn into water?]

bringing his right leg over the pommel of the saddle [An [And bashed Kale in the nose.]

The shop was obvious. Women's clothing, with dresses displayed in the window. Kale slid down, as D had done, as he finished securing his horse. "We can get some proper clothes here for you."

[Proper as in suitable, or proper as in ladylike?

Or proper as in ‘cheap as dirt?’

Proper as in lingerie?

Eww.]

He led her inside and centered his attention on the lady clerk. "Cloaks and coats?" She pointed to the back wall, a sweet smile across her lips, and wide starry eyes.

[D wants to wear lady’s clothing? Wait, what’s the difference between a girls cloak and a boys cloak?

One has racecars on it, the other has ponies?]

As D examined the cloaks, Kale looked through the riding pants he'd pointed out.

[As opposed to ‘wearing’ pants.]

She chose three dark colored pairs and draped them over her arm. She then noticed a bin of socks and gloves and vigorously sifted through them.

[To no one’s surprise, there were no matching pairs.]

After a time, she had three pairs of plain brown gloves and seven pairs of socks, all brown. D pulled a dark Green cloak around her to check its fit. It fit well around her neck and shoulders and went clear down to her ankles. "How do you like it?" he asked, more a statement really.

[When did he become so obsessed with fashion?

Heheheh…Flaming D…]

She flipped up the hood and put it down again. "I like it."

[Apparently she’s lucky enough not to have watched the Lord of the Rings cartoon, and doesn’t realize she looks like a hobbit.]

She said. D nodded and pointed to a bin behind them.

"Get what you need from over there. Then come to the counter." He took the cloak and other things and proceeded ahead of her.

She looked into the bin he'd pointed to, and understood his reluctance to go with her. Women's underclothes.

[Lingerie! I was right.

Women’s clothes that come from a bin are discount items that are hard to sell, and for huge people, I doubt they’d fit Kale unless she got pregnant, and NO ONE wants that.

Wait, since when are guys afraid to look at girl’s underwear? Especially considering the window displays…

Victoria’s Secret didn’t survive? Is he too cheap to shop somewhere other than a thrift store?]

She sifted through the mass and picked out a dozen cotton underpants, some with floral pattern some without.

[How many were crotchless?

Sorry, but describing underpants someone is buying isn’t interesting. Please don’t do this.

Um, those sounded like underpants I used to wear…in third grade…

She could only find five bras though that would fit her.

FIVE bras that fit her? All in one store? Lucky her. Especially considering its recommended you have at least four.

How did she try them on without anyone noticing?]

She then noticed a shelf with women's sanitary packages on it and took six boxes.

[Oh my god, it’s a Victoria’s Secret, clothing store, Cloaks R Us, and a drug store in the same store. Who sells TAMPONS AND/OR PADS in the same store as clothes?]

She never knew if she'd find this type again, so better grab them while she could.

[Then again, someone finding tampons or pads in D’s saddlebags would be priceless.]

D had already showed the woman the clothes that Kale didn't need,

[D, show her the clothes Kale WOULD need, its not like she’s buying the whole store… I think.]

and she had agreed to lower the price of their purchase to accommodate the purchase of the unneeded garments.

[Wha? Is this like saying ‘I’ll buy that piece of crap if you give me a discount?’]

Joining D at the counter she noticed the clerk trying to talk to D, her tone soft and sultry, and her sweetest 'come to me' smile across her lips. "He's with me,"

[When? As far as I know, he rescued her from slime. They haven’t even talked that much, considering she wasn’t conscious for most of it.]

she snapped, thrusting the last of the items onto the counter.

[First you can’t stand sitting on the same saddle as him, then you try and have a catfight with someone who doesn’t mind getting close to him? What are you a romance heroine?]

She sighed. "More is the pity," she said,

[Yeah, just when you see a sexy guy, some white trash idiot is already dating him.

And they aren’t inclined to do a threesome…Damn.]

and looked over the other items. She placed the smaller things into Kale's duffle bag she'd offered, as Kale secured her new cloak back around her shoulders. "That's 187 peaces," she said, gazing up to the tall man. D extended his hand and dropped the money on the counter. The woman made his change and pouted as she watched them leave.

[Look, we get the hint, every girl wants to jump D, every boy wants to jump Kale. You aren’t actually being subtle. Knock it off and try a plot instead of hinting.

*Ominous thunder* *Ominous thunder*]

Again outside, D unlocked the horse and mounted up. Kale then climbed up behind him and let her cloak drape over the horse's hindquarters.

[Oh, that’s sanitary…*rolls eyes so hard they fall out*

Why did she do that? Does the horse need diapers? Toilet paper?]

He then guided the cyborg down the street and continued on to the docks.

There were three ships that had arrived in the night

[The Pinta, the Nina, and the Santa Maria Sue]

all berthed bow to stern along the waterfront. One was unloading cargo, another fish products,

[Fish products? Not actual fish, but fish products?

Pirate: Arrgh…we couldn’t catch any fish, but we did get the fins! And bones!]

and the third was loading farm animals into its hold. It was to this ship that D had gone first. "," he said, in the seaman's speech.

[Seaman….HA HA HA HA HA
*ONE HOUR LATER*
Ha ha ha ha ha…*choke* ha ha!
*Two days later*
Ha ha! Seaman…Hee hee hee hee hee hee!
*etc*

Gotta love the original names. Hopefully this is a joke, considering this sex-crazed town. At least it’s better than ‘The West’

The West? Did he get hired by munchkins?

The West. The WEST. The Larch.]

A tall gruff man stepped forward, a cigar clenched in his teeth. "," he said.

[Other guy:
Yet another guy: ]

"?"

[Yes, but we’re going to the Far Side, not the Far Shore. I hear people have things called ‘sense of humor’s there.

Wasn’t he already in ‘The West’
D: *Going west* OH MY GOD! This looks exactly…like…THE EAST!

D: See, if I keep going west, I’ll end up in the east.
Kale: Wouldn’t it be easier to go east in the first place?
D: No.
‘Horse’: Baaaaa. {Stupid human, the female is right.}]

"?"

"."

[Captain: No pets.
D: Fine, not the horse.
Captain: I’m talking about that, too! *Points*
Kale: Hey!
D: She’s luggage, not a pet.]

"!" the man snapped, turning away.

[D: What if we stuff a pair of socks down her pants and call her a hermaphrodite?

Exactly how long has this sailor been at sea?]

"!" D insisted.

"," he said, removing his cigar from his lips. "!"

[Yeah, no women, only SEAMEN! *Giggles*]

Just then another man rushed down the loading ramp, his tunic reflecting the rank of first officer. "."

"?"

"."

[Lots of guys, pee out the porthole. Oh, wait, he escaped. Man, with all the sex and stuff in this fic, it’s hard to tell what the author is hinting at.

How exactly do you fit through a porthole? They are less than a foot wide.

Why would the cook try to escape?]

"What's going on D? What's he saying?" asked Kale.

[D: Something about a porthole. I’m not sure if that’s a euphemism or not.]

"Just a minute."

The captain regarded the girl. "?" he asked gruffly.

"He wants to know if you can cook."

[Kale: Instant, or that boiling water thing?]

"Why?"

"He wont let you on the ship. If you can cook, he may let you on. Their cook jumped ship."

[Cook: Wheee! I’m flying!]

"Well yha I can cook but..."

"."

"."

[Kale: Little do they know the story of Moose Turd Pie…
D: What was that?
Kale: I still say this is a sheep
‘Horse’: Baaa!
D: YOU shut up!
‘Horse’: Baa?
Kale: Sheep.
D: Horse!
Captain: Aargh; that be a wooly dolphin.]

D told her what he said. She nodded in agreement. "!"

[This ship is not responsible for any gender changes that may occur]

". Hang on Kale." D spurred his horse up the steep loading ramp, its hooves clamoring as it ran. He handed the ship's accountant the money for their passage, then followed the guidance of other crewmembers to the hold access. He rode his horse down its ramp and chose a stall on the right side.

[He took the horse into the bathroom?]

After dismounting and securing the horse to the stall floor for the journey, he powered down the cyborg, tucking the rest of their money into the security compartments in the neck.

[It’s a horse! It’s a purse! It’s a bike! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…*dramatic music* SUPER SHEEP!
Super Horse Sheep: Baaaa!]

He then flipped up the cots on the wall. "Top or bottom?" he asked.

[Kale: D! No! I’m not in the mood! I—oh, which bunk, sorry.]

"Top," she said,

[Kale: I’m ALWAYS on top, dammit.]

and he tossed her bag to one end of the upper bunk, his own saddlebags to the opposite end of the bottom one.

"The valuables are safe. There's a rule on these ships, no one goes through the bags of their crewmates. It is strictly enforced, but if you want to add anything to Nightmare's compartments, do it now."

[When the hell did D’s horse get a name? And why would he be cheesy enough to name it Nightmare?

Kale: That’s alright, I’m kinda creeped out by putting things in a sheep.
D: Horse.
Super Sheep: Baaa!
D: Stop that!

What about the rule: Don’t kill the stupid people who trusted you, toss them into the ocean, then steal their stuff?]

She pulled her jewelry satchel from her bag and handed it to D. After storing it in the horse he put his hat on his bunk. "Let's find the kitchen. You'll need to get familiar with it. I'll help you all I can, but I am not that good a cook."

[D doesn’t even EAT. How good a cook can he be?
D: Kitchens are supposed to blow up now and then, right?
Super Sheep: Baaa. {Fruitcake}

D: I do know how to suck blood from a person…is that used in cooking?]