In Defiance of Destiny

Later that night Touga awoke, blinking as he tried to get his bearings in the dark room. Squinting in order to read the glowing numbers on his clock, Touga tried to figure out what had awoken him. A knock at his door answered that question, as the sound echoed loudly in his ears. Wondering who would dare come to his door at such an hour without invitation, Touga rolled out of bed, fully intend to send them away unless it were a dire situation. Calling the necessary question of identity, Touga quickly pulled on the always-ready silk robe at the side of his bed.


On the other side of the door, the late-night visitor carefully moderated his answer. “I’m sorry, Touga…it’s Ruka, and I need to….” He was cut off as the door swung open, and piercing grey eyes seared onto his own bloodshot ones.


“You need something from me?” The president hissed angrily. He couldn’t believe the insolence of this boy, who had walked away from him without a word, and now dared to intrude on the sanctity of his sleep.


Ruka looked at him, hair messed, clothes crumpled, and eyes red. “Touga, I need your help.” He whispered, completely defeated and forgetting his well-rehearsed apology. “I can’t make the pain go away on my own. Help me make it go away?”

Touga hesitated for a second, taking in Ruka’s trembling body, as well as the nearly empty prescription bottle clenched in his fist. As he tried to balance the boy standing in front of him with the proud fencer he’d once been matched against, Touga could feel no animosity towards Ruka. The boy had the pathetic stance of so many Touga had seen before. Broken, searching for the last vestiges of a dream that had been taken from them, they couldn’t help but stand, in the hopes that defiance would bring back their wrecked hopes. The expression on Ruka’s face was a reflection of the ones that haunted Touga’s nights.


Except, for once, he’d had no hand in bringing the expression about, and so had no reason to hide from it. Rage melting away, Touga paused for perhaps a second longer before pulling Ruka into his embrace, arms encircling the other boy as he offered comfort in one of the few ways he knew how. One hand he let rest in the small of Ruka’s back, the other tipping his face up to gaze into azure gaze. Grey eyes searched blue for several moments.


“I’ll try, Tsuchiya Ruka. I’ll try.” Touga whispered as he captured Ruka’s lips in a searing kiss.


His mind soared in triumph at the surrender, and Touga pulled the blue-haired boy into him hard. He forced the slender chin up so he could properly kiss the other boy, and Ruka responded eagerly, hands sliding down to fasten around Touga’s back. He pressed his entire body as close as he could to Touga, hoping to gain warmth from the other duelist. Submitting totally, Ruka allowed the other boy to take control of the kiss, taking what he could from the heat and passion that formed the core of Touga’s being.


Touga groaned into the kiss, feeding on the way Ruka had completely given himself over in a submission that was not through seduction, but through need. It was a new feeling for Touga, who was used to being in control because he wanted to be, rarely because his partner wished he was. Reaching behind himself, Touga took one of Ruka’s hands in his own. As he sought to thread his fingers through the blue-haired boy’s, however, his fingers hit against cold plastic, the sound jarring his mind out of the moment. Slowly, the red-head pulled back and examined Ruka. The slender face was alight with emotion. Desire, fear and pain were all apparent and accounted for, shining in eyes darkened to smoke-blue by their presence. Touga ignored them, though, as he raked his eyes down Ruka’s body, passing over the dark, hooded eyes and heaving chest to stop and fix on the pill bottle clenched tightly in one of Ruka’s fists.


Sighing, Touga gently ran his hand down Ruka’s arm, taking the hand in his and gently coaxing fingers loose from the death-grip they had formed around the bottle. Ruka resisted for a few seconds, but eventually Touga knew what he needed too. The prescription date on the battle didn’t run out for another month but there was, at the most, a weeks worth of pills in the bottle. The “child-safe” seal on the top had been nearly stripped of the grooves with kept it closed, and the entire top was crushed and deformed, as though whoever had opened it had literally forced the top off. /No more tonight?/ Touga thought, raising his eyes to be Ruka’s.


“The pain wouldn’t go away. I had to do something.” Ruka whispered quietly, looking slightly ashamed and almost afraid.


Touga smiled sadly, taking the bottle from Ruka and placing it firmly on the table sitting next to the door before gently pulling Ruka back into his arms. “Are you sure you were taking them for the right kind of pain?” He asked softly.


Ruka winced at the memory. “I wasn’t alone, when I returned to my room.” He explained after a moment, still clinging to Touga tightly. The redhead simply held him and listened while Ruka uncovered the events that had led him back to the last place he’d wanted to return too.


Shiori had been in the room when Ruka had returned after leaving Touga. The blue-haired boy didn’t know how she’d gotten in, but she was sitting on his bed and looking somewhat impatient when he entered. Patiently, Ruka had waited for the girl to explain her presence, but instead of offering an explanation, Shiori had advanced on him.


“Captain, you look terrible, is there anything I can do for you?” Ruka mimicked, and if Touga had been so intent on the story he would have laughed at the imitation. Ruka had been somewhat taken aback by her concern, he said. He was certain that, with all that had happened to her, Shiori wouldn’t have had an ounce of sympathy left in her.


“We surprise even ourselves, sometimes.” Touga said, in response to the unanswered question. He gestured to one of the chairs, but Ruka shook his head, and even tightened his grip a bit. Gazing dimly over the redhead’s shoulder, he continued.


“I said I was fine, and only needed to rest. She only smiled mockingly. She said something about how Juri was going to fight for my honor.” Ruka paused, thinking for a moment. “She said I was going to get to stand there, tomorrow, while Juri fought for my honor. I was frustrated, and I snapped.”


The expression on his face was dark, and Touga had a brief moment of fear that Ruka might have perhaps done something drastic. “You didn’t…”


Ruka laughed. “I don’t hit women, Touga. I’ll fence them, but I won’t hit them.’


“No, I didn’t do anything to her physically. I tried to explain to her. It’s not my honor Juri is fighting for. It’s Shiori’s. I don’t know why she can’t see it.”


Touga nodded, outwardly showing he agreed with the words. Inside, the truth rang clear for him. Shiori couldn’t see what was happening because she didn’t want too, just as Ruka was blinding himself to the futility of his own task. They were all blind, walking as sheep the slaughter, with only the bright light of their dreams to guide them. Touga himself sometimes wondered just how much he was allowed to see, and whether he was all the more blind for the brief moments of clarity allowed him. He couldn’t tell this to Ruka though. The blue-haired boy would either figure it out for himself, or not, but Touga was not at liberty to tell him. Taking a deep breath, Touga beckoned for Ruka to continue.


“She laughed at me. She said. ‘If she fights for me, then why aren’t I the one up there with her?’ She had the audacity to ask that, Touga. She can’t see that the reason I’m up there with Juri is because Shiori won’t go to her.” He shook his head ruefully. “I told her as much, and then I started coughing again. I think the time it took me to recover also gave her time to think.”


There was bitterness in the words, and an apprehension that confused Touga. “What did she say?”


“She told me that I was more deluded than I believed her to be. She said that, by offering myself to Juri, that I was giving up the one thing I desired.” He shrugged. “I threw her out after that, taking her by the elbow and walking with her until she had reached the end of the hallway. I wanted to make sure she was far away from my room before I let her go. I told her to go to her own room. I left her standing in the hallway, and then returned to my own room.”


He looked directly at Touga, then. “Unfortunately, that left me alone with nothing but my pain to keep me company.”


Although Ruka said nothing more, Touga guessed at the rest of story. It wasn’t that hard to figure out. Ruka hadn’t been as strong as he thought he was, and had tried to use the numbing effects of his prescriptions to dull the emotions ripping him apart. When that hadn’t worked, he had come back to the one thing that hadn’t turned him away since he’d returned to Ohtori.


When Touga said nothing, the blue-haired boy ventured to ask a question. “She’s right, isn’t she? I loose, even if Juri wins.”


Touga remained silent for a moment longer, his hands tightening around Ruka’s shoulders. He opened his mouth to start speaking a few times. He was fighting so hard to keep a hold of the remains of dream that even now tried to reject him, and now he clung to Touga, expecting the redhead to turn him out as well. As for Touga, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. There was nothing he was allowed to say that would make a difference, and to tell the truth would be the end of not only Ruka and himself, but their dreams as well. “I can’t tell you that, Ruka.” Was what he finally said, wincing at the lies contained within that single truth. “Do you think you’ll loose everything?”


Ruka hesitated. Than he slowly shook his head to the negative. “No. I would gain the knowledge that I gave her happiness, even if it would mean letting her go. It’s not like I could offer her all that much as I am.”


“Than Shiori’s wrong.”


“But,” Ruka continued, as if the redhead had not spoken. “I’m not sure I want happiness. What I want is for this emptiness to go away. I came back because I want Juri to be free, but what I truly desire is companionship and understanding. I don’t want to hurt any longer.”


If the blue-haired boy’s choice of words was a coincidence, neither boy missed the meaning once they were spoken. They stared at each other for a few moments, and then Touga dipped his head. He pulled back, falling into the role he had played so often. Offering his hand to Ruka, the redhead backed slowly towards his own bed.


“Then come, Tsuchiya Ruka.” He murmured. “Come with me towards that which you desire.”


Ruka allowed himself to the maneuvered onto the mattress, reaching up to pull Touga down next to him.


Ruka wasn’t sure what he was doing; wasn’t sure why he was there. The only thought in his painkiller-hazed mind was that he needed something that he couldn’t provide on his own. Touga could, however, and the redhead wouldn’t betray him. They were too similar, had been through too much of the same things at Ohtori. They were more similar than either would care to admit, because admitting their similarities would be to list their greatest failings. As he clung to Touga, all thoughts of betraying the one he loved were chased from his mind, as Ruka’s desires broke free from the tenuous hold he’d had on them, and violently took over his body. Long limbs tangled themselves with Touga’s, torso pressing itself flush against the kendoist’s body, pulling them as close as possible. He wanted to feel needed, sought to be wanted, and desired…to feel loved.


Touga was able to give it all to him, catching Ruka’s right hand in his own and turning the palm towards him. His thumb gently traced patterns over and around the coarse calluses on Ruka’s palm, skin roughened from years of holding a sword. The marks came close to matching Touga’s own, marking Ruka as one of the group of people Touga had come to view as his family. In a way, it was a brand, as much a symbol of their fates as the rings they wore. Shaking his head, Touga returned his thoughts to the beautiful creature in his arms. Leaning down, Touga bent and captured Ruka’s lips with his own. Red hair spilled over his shoulders and onto the mattress, effectively sealing them off from the world. A new universe was created, consisting of the two duelists and a silk-covered pillow, all surrounded by a haze of blood-red mist. The dim light of the single lamp washed over the two tall young men, serving as both blanket from the darkness and a witness to the betrayals which both duelists committed. Starved for warmth and companionship, Touga and Ruka pulled themselves close, only the white prison of Ruka’s school uniform serving to show where one long-boned length began and the other began.


Ruka gasped slightly when Touga kissed him. It had been far too long since someone had touched him like this; longer since he’d truly wanted it, and the intimate touch only made him ache for more. Touga’s skilled hands traced patterns on his chest through the starched white of his school uniform, and something in the blue-haired boy was set free. He arched up hard, changing the mood, kissing the redhead violently and forcing Touga to respond in kind. Touga hissed at the passionate violence and pulled back slightly. Firmly, he pressed a hand against Ruka’s chest, feeling the too fast heartbeat under his palm. He waited until Ruka calmed, watching calmly while the azure-blue eyes of the saberist sparked in anger and frustration.


“You asked for my help, Ruka.” He murmured, gently placing a single finger across the blue-haired boy’s lips when he tried to speak. “Now you just need to accept it.”