Forgetting You

I was listening to Cradle of Filth\'s \"Bitter Suites to Succubi\" while writing this chapter... I think it might have come through a little.

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I closed my eyes and counted to ten before heading to the kitchen for my morning coffee. If I\'d been thinking earlier, I would have realized something really important. I had woken up in Omi\'s bed... Omi shares his room with Ran, much like how I share my room with Ken. Odds are, unless Ran was as drunk and stupid as the rest of us, he\'d seen something, heard something... and worse than that, Ran was in the kitchen when I got there, quietly reading a book and ignoring my entrance, as usual.

At least Ken wasn\'t around, or even in our room when I\'d returned there earlier. He had to be asleep somewhere else, thankfully. Probably out on the couch or on the deck. Sometimes Ken would sleep in one of those places when I had a girl over, or on the rare occasion when he got shitfaced drunk like the night before.

\"You\'re up early.\" I said, trying to sound casual, even though the pounding in my skull was making it pretty difficult to focus.

\"I\'m always up this early.\"

Ran was always so hard to read. \"Uh, so... don\'t you have a hangover?\"

He glared at me, obviously angry I had brought up the previous night at all. \"As if it\'s any of your business, but no. I don\'t get hangovers.\"

I tried to smile. That lucky bastard. \"Where\'d you wake up? In the bushes, sheesh!\"

\"On the couch.\"

\"Then where\'s Ken?\"

\"On the living room floor.\"

\"How sweet of you not to wake him.\" I chuckled, sitting down with my cup of black coffee. Saved. For once in my life, only half of the universe was against me. But then again... maybe I ask too much. At that moment Omi and Ken walked in, almost simultaneously.

I knew it. I felt like I was choking. I diverted my gaze down to my coffee and stared intently at my own reflection. I felt like I had sat there for hours just staring before I heard Ken plop into a chair and pour his cereal. Then Omi sat... and right... beside... me. Christ, I felt tongue-tied, braindead. I could feel my palms sweating.

\"God, my head hurts.\" Ken said, between shoveling mouthfuls of cereal in his face. \"...and my gut, too. I must\'ve unloaded ten pounds into the toilet.\" How eloquent. How Ken.

Omi laughed lightly. \"You puked like six times. It\'s no wonder.\"

Great. Of everyone, Omi could remember part of the night. I felt my gut ball up. \"Yeah, I\'m starting to wonder if some of my intestines got flushed.\"

\"You\'re fine. But I\'m not too sure what you guys did to me, my ass hurts like hell.\" A laugh.

I didn\'t look up. God, now I felt like everyone knew. I felt so bared and naked, even though my name hadn\'t been mentioned once in the sentence. I fell into myself. For an immeasurable amount of time I thought of nothing, felt nothing. Then... suddenly out of the darkness I recognized the sound of my own name.

\"Yohji! Yohji! You alive?\" Omi\'s eyes were pinned right on me, and I had looked directly at him.

\"Uh, yeah. Could you guys excuse me?\"

Ken\'s voice stopped me. \"Hey, you\'re being weird, what\'s up?\"

\"Ken, could I talk to you real quick?\" The brunette nodded and closely followed me into our room. I stopped and dropped down on Ken\'s bed, rubbing my face stiffly with my hands. \"I have a confession, Ken.\"

\"Shoot. You know I won\'t judge.\"

I hesitated. I didn\'t know why I\'d suddenly decided to dump this load on Ken, or why I even had to talk about it. I didn\'t even know what to say. I took a deep breath. \"Ken...I, last night I...slept with Omi.\"

There was silence across from me. \"Wow, Yohji... so you and Omi are...\"

\"No, I don\'t know what happened. One second I\'m downing booze, the next I wake up naked next to Omi...\"

Ken stopped and rubbed his thumb across his chin. \"Hmm... are you sure you two... did it, or are you just guessing?\"

\"I know we did. I wouldn\'t be telling you this if I wasn\'t sure.\"

\"So, uh... do you love him?\" Ken\'s question caught me off guard. I\'d expected confusion, surprise, but not \'do you love him\'? I stopped and sputtered a little.

\"Of course not! I\'m in love with-\" I stopped when I realized what I was going to say. What the hell was wrong with my heart? Why couldn\'t I think of anything... anyone else?

Ken stole the words right out of my mouth. \"It\'s Asuka, isn\'t it? She\'s dead, Yohji! Get a damn grip!\"

\"I-I know Ken, it\'s just that-\"

\"If you don\'t forget about her, you\'re going to waste your life on her, even though you know she\'s gone and there\'s no way to bring her back! You\'re going to die a lonely old man, drowning in your misery!\"

\"You can\'t tell me to stop loving her! You don\'t know how much I loved her! You\'ve never been in love like that!\"

Ken seemed taken aback, obviously injured by my words. \"Maybe I haven\'t... Maybe... Don\'t you know that we care about you? Seeing you kill yourself like this day in and day out, it\'s sad, Yohji. Just forget her!\"

\"All that I have left of her is her memory! If I forget her, she ceases to exist, and I know that if I died, the last thing I\'d want is to be forgotten!\"

Ken frowned, standing up abruptly. \"Even if it meant the ones you love have to suffer? Even you\'re not that selfish...\" With those words he stormed out of the room, leaving me to rot in my self-loathing.

Didn\'t he understand? Asuka was all I had... All I ever had. I couldn\'t just throw her away like some useless piece of garbage. My head was clouded and I knew I had to find some way to clear it. I had to go visit Asuka.

~~~~

It only takes fifteen minutes to drive down to Asuka\'s grave. I\'m the only person who visits her anymore. Once a week I still visit her. I light some incense, leave her some flowers... I continue to visit her even though everyone else has forgotten. I was only one of seven people to attend her funeral. Birman set it up, and... it was only our small group who attended. Well, I guess she\'d died once before. But not many people came to that funeral, either.

It started to rain by the time I reached the graveyard. I stepped out of the car, my heart still aching. Ken didn\'t understand, and if he didn’t, no one would. Only Asuka can understand. I kneeled down at her headstone, placing a bouquet of white lilies tied with pink ribbon and a stick of incense in place, even though I knew I couldn\'t light it in the rain. I let out a heavy sigh and touched the headstone. It was always so cold. I wish it weren\'t so cold... so I could have some sort of comfort.

Asuka will never be warm again.

\"Asuka...\" I let my forehead fall onto my hand, not even realizing how wet I was without an umbrella. \"Asuka... I wish you could help me.\"

Other than that, I didn\'t bother talking to her anymore. Even if I didn\'t speak, she could hear my heart if she heard anything. And it was screaming louder than any words. If only we hadn\'t parted the way we did... if only things had been different... Takatori\'s death hadn\'t made the pain any better or any less real. It didn\'t matter if it was his fault, I had been the one to steal her last breath... and before that I had been the one who told her to run... one way or another, I killed Asuka. I can never be forgiven for that. Asuka will never forgive me for that.

For the first time in months, I actually cried.

Ken was paging me, I could feel the vibrating in my pocket, but I ignored it. I didn\'t have to see what it said. Ken was telling me to come home. I didn\'t want to... but I knew that, eventually, I had to leave her. I stood up, slowly and whispered to her that I still loved her as I headed back for my car. The rain-washed away my tears, but it couldn\'t wash my heart clean. Nothing could.

I promised that next time, I would bring her a rose.

I wish I could lie there, beside her... so we\'d never have to be parted again.

~~~~

\"Yohji! Why\'d you run off like that?\" The look on Ken\'s face read something between pissed off and worried. I diverted my gaze and did not respond. He knew exactly why I had left, I had nothing to explain to him. \"Yohji, don\'t turn your back on me!\"

I stopped, glaring at the younger man, fiercely. \"What do you want me to say? Leave me alone.\"

\"Omi knows.\"

Stopping in my tracks, I turned and shot the soccer player a look of wide-eyed surprise. \"How did he-\"

\"He told me. You know, you\'re not the only person who comes to me when they have something they need to get off their chest.\" He paused for a moment, sweeping the floor with his eyes. \"He\'s suspicious that you are having regrets... so... are you?\"

I wanted to slam my head against the wall, but refrained, instead gritting my teeth behind clenched lips. \"Of course I do! I slept with one of my closest friends! This is going to ruin everything we\'ve built in our friendship!\"

\"You\'re so shallow!\" Ken stomped, balling his fists at his sides. \"It doesn\'t have to ruin or change anything!\"

\"Yes it does!\" I put a hand up to my hair and nearly pulled. \"No matter what you or anyone else says, this changes everything! We can\'t look at each other the same way we used to!\"

\"Then tell him, Yohji. Confess to him, not to me.\"

The words choked off in my throat. I didn\'t feel like I could say a word to Omi if I tried. I don\'t know, maybe I even felt like I had violated the boy. How do I apologize for something like that? I can\'t. Just like Asuka, I couldn\'t say I was sorry. Sorry doesn\'t mean anything, I know this better than anyone.

O, purge this unworthy flesh of sin so that I may be reborn in heaven...

\"Ken... I can\'t talk to Omi now, not after what I\'ve done. He must hate me after this...\"

Ken was silent for a few seconds. \"He doesn\'t hate you, Yotan. Just ask him. It\'s quite the contrary. Ever since he met you, in fact. You gave him a birthday present better than anything Ran and I could ever give. But apparently some stiff is more important than the people who love you!\"

I lost my temper. My vision momentarily faltered and my fist flew, sending Ken to the hardwood floor violently. He spat out a mouthful of blood. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, trying to calm my own sporadic breathing. I looked down at Ken, wanting him to flare up in anger, wanting him to attack me back and make me feel even a portion of the pain I so deserved. He did nothing. He didn\'t even attempt to stand or give me a dirty look. He repositioned himself and wiped the blood from his lip, staring at it as though he had made the mistake instead of me.

\"I see.\" Ken stood, his face saddening as I watched. \"Then keep living this way. I\'ve done what I could. If you want to fuck up your life, be my guest.\" He began to walk toward the bathroom.

~~~~~~

I found Omi out on the balcony, humming some tune I couldn’t quite make out. That was Omi for you, always seeming in such high spirits. I wonder what he was really thinking about. I approached cautiously, taking place right beside him on the railing. He looked over at me warmly, his whole face smiling.

“It’s nice out for the first day of March, isn’t it?”

I nodded and faked a smile. “Sure is. Omi, we need to talk, don’t we?”

“We sure do.” Omi sighed, seeming more enchanted than upset. “We should take a walk, since it’s so nice out and all.”

I obliged and the two of us headed down to the park. There weren’t any birds out, and the trees were just starting to bud, but he was right. It was fairly nice out. I only wished I didn’t feel so cold on the inside.

He led me down the sidewalk, not bothering to look at me until we reached a bend in the path. He stopped and flashed me a big smile. “I’m taking you to my secret place, all right? So once we leave you have to forget it ever existed.” I nodded and Omi starting leading me into the less trodden areas of the park, between tall trees and through dead grasses. Finally we came to a thicket and Omi’s steps paused again, this time his face almost glowing. “Right here.”

“A thicket, Omi? You’ve got to be kidding.”

He shook his head. “If you follow me, you’ll see how cool this place is.” We wove around a few of the bushes, finally turning a sharp corner. Much to my surprise, there was a large hollow there, very easily accessible, but not naked to the eye. Omi must have been pretty clever to find it. We ducked as we entered, then we each took a seat on the dead grasses beneath that saved our pants from the dusty topsoil underneath.

“This place is pretty neat, Omi, though I’ll admit it’s not my normal type of hangout.” He laughed.

“I love this place because when I come here, I feel like nothing in the world can harm me.”

“About last night-“

He put up a hand, the smile on his face still vibrant. “Don’t worry about it, Yohji-kun. It was an accident on both our parts. We were drunk and stupid, and now I know why everyone was always telling me alcohol is evil. It’s best we pretend it never happened and we start over from square one. Nothing good can come from something like this hanging over our heads.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve been thinking about it, and well... even if there ever was something between us, I wouldn’t want it to start like that.” He blushed a little. “Not that there could ever be anything between us, but you know... just saying...”

I almost smiled at his innocence. Nothing in the world could taint him, I see that now. “Thanks, Omi. It’s a load off my chest.”

“Friends?”

“Of course.”

But... are we? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

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It’s not over... ending it like that would suck, right? *Cackles evilly* Besides, what fun would it be if everything was just that easy?

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