Starvation

Late afternoon had passed into early evening by the time they made it to the next town on the map. Goku looked a little happier in the low lights of the restaurant, especially when the bread came. He attacked that with his usual fervor, and Hakkai was glad for that. Gojyo had forgone his beer in favor of sake, and looked more relaxed. Even Sanzo seemed more normal, almost contentedly gulping down beer and smacking his young charge with his fan for eating too fast. Now, Hakkai’s only concern was the square knot his stomach had made of itself.

“What’s up with you, Hakkai?” Gojyo leaned over between gulps of transparent alcohol to poke his friend in the ribs.

Hakkai nearly jumped at the sudden noise and contact. He laughed instead, but even he thought it sounded forced and nervous. “What do you mean?”

“You usually order your meat burnt to a crisp. You asked for your steak rare this time. You sure you’re all right?”

Fake another smile again, not too big, or he would suspect something was wrong. “I’m fine, Gojyo.” Hakkai winced as the lights raced over crimson hair, and he found himself wanting to lean toward that glistening red.

#This isn’t going to work, Gonou,# the demon voice of his hunger was as close as breath in his ear.

“Just a little weird, is all I’m saying,”

Layers of stiff paper collided with Gojyo’s head. “Idiot. He’s got the right to change his mind.” One drooping violet eye widened a little as he scrutinized Hakkai over Gojyo’s shoulder, and one brow raised. Sanzo wasn’t buying it, either.

The healer gave the others a soft sigh. “I didn’t want to trouble you with it, but I’m so tired after the fight with the gods. I thought if I got protein in a little more raw form than I’m used to, I could replenish my *chi* faster.”

#Ah, there we are. That’s only half a lie.#

“You usually use that sage-peppermint tea you have when you want to raise your *chi*, and you force the nasty brew on us when you want to raise ours. Why the change of heart?” the priest looked suspicious now, not just concerned.

“Just thought I’d experiment . . . ah! Here it is!”

The steak he’d ordered was almost as big as the one he’d bought for Goku. The scent of the blood was rich beneath the browned surface of the meat, and Hakkai took a deep breath of it. He tried to center himself for a moment, and bit down on his knuckles in thought and anticipation. Hakkai’s canine teeth poked sharply into his skin, not hard enough to break it, but he put his hand down, alarmed.

*Not quite fangs, but they’ve never done that before. What am I becoming?*

#Not becoming, Gonou. You’ve always been this. I’m sure this was there before you even became a demon. Bloodlust. You would never have killed so many if it wasn’t there for a long time. Saying it was temporary insanity, that you only went mad because of her, is a pitiful excuse. Was it born of hurt, of hatred? Ah, was it selfishness? Was that it, Gonou? I think it was . . .#

“no.”

*Center, balance, control yourself, damn it!* Hakkai’s rage was more at his conscious self than that inner voice. That voice was not Chin Yisou, it was his own self-recrimination, his own darkness, and he could control it. Had to. He had to rein in his misgivings or he might fall apart. God, what if he shattered his limiters like Goku had? *Calm down.*

“Hey, Hakkai, stop staring at it and eat,” Goku gave him a gentle nudge.

At the first hint of red as his knife carved into the steak, the healer’s stomach roared again. It smelled so good, would taste so warm, almost like live blood. The first juicy sliver hit his mouth and he groaned, not so much chewing as he crushed it with his teeth. He let the iron-filled tang of nearly raw meat flow over his tongue. He had barely enough
presence of mind to carve the meat into pieces. He cut another and another, bolting them down, feeling the rich fluid pass his lips. Blood dripped down his chin, down the fingers that held the knife.

“Damn, ‘Kai, slow down,” Gojyo put down his sake, and he grimaced.

“Jeez, Hakkai, that’s kinda creepy,” golden eyes fixed him, dismayed.

Goku’s voice was a fuzzy drone in his ear, and the worry on the monkey’s face went almost unnoticed. Hakkai sucked the warm juices from the steak off his fingers, feeling heat race down his spine at the pleasure of it. He tore through the meat, barely chewing, not tasting anything but coppery smooth and salt-sweetness. When that was done, he gazed at the red pool left on the plate, emerald into red, transfixed. He would have tipped the plate up to his lips to sip off the rest of the blood if something wouldn’t have sharply banged into his head.

“Dammit, Hakkai, I thought you were the one with manners!” another hard blow came from the fan, this time clocking the back of the demon’s head. “Don’t embarrass me by acting like a rabid animal!” Another bash to the skull, and another, then Sanzo clouted his uncuffed ear, making his head ring.

Through the haze, Hakkai saw the monk’s lips moving silently, just after his loud shouts. There was concern on Sanzo’s face, almost fear.

*Please. Snap out of it.*

The fan snapped against the nape of Hakkai’s neck, hard enough to leave a red welt. “What the Hell is wrong with you?!”

I wish I could tell you, Sanzo. I wish I could tell all of you without waking this up again.

Hakkai knew how he must look, red smeared on his lips and chin, the posessed, feral light just now fading from his eyes. He’d stopped just short of tearing his dinner apart with his bare hands. They knew it, too, they all knew. He took a napkin to his face and shut his eyes. When he opened them again, he stood. “Yes, y-yes, I’m sorry, Sanzo . . . I forgot
myself entirely; please forgive me,” he gave the priest a shaky bow of apology.

He gave a wan smile to Gojyo and Goku. They were staring back and forth at him and Sanzo as if they were trying to decide whose behavior had been more ludicrous. It might have struck Hakkai as funny if the circumstances had been different.

Hakkai understood how they must be feeling. They may have fallen prey to the *harisen* on a regular basis, but Sanzo never beat Hakkai with it. Sanzo never even smacked Goku around as viciously as he’d struck the youkai tonight. Then again, Hakkai had always been very careful not to warrant a beating.

Gingerly, Hakkai emptied the money from his pockets and placed all of it on the table, closest to Gojyo. “This should more than cover it. Please enjoy the rest of the meal without me. I need some air,” he walked off toward the open door and the night beyond it.

“Hakkai, wait,” Goku turned away from his food and shouted after the retreating demon.

“Let him go,” Sanzo muttered.

“Why’d you have to beat the shit out of his head, you dumb monk?!” Hakkai heard Gojyo snarl from inside as he walked out.

Hakuryu chirped at him, instantly transforming from vehicle to dragon, dipping and swooping around Hakkai’s head happily. He came to rest on Hakkai’s shoulder, as usual, and twined his neck around Hakkai’s. The demon’s fingers scratched the nape of the little creature’s long neck absently, then itched behind one tiny ear. The dragon trilled,
almost a purr, then looked at his master and cheeped in dismay. He rubbed his head against Hakkai’s cheek.

Hakkai knew the dragonet didn’t want attention, but was trying to cheer him. Hakuryu was sometimes more perceptive than most people. The trilling started again, but Hakkai knew it was for his benefit, not the dragon’s. The healer normally found the sound soothing, and it usually made him feel as content as the dragon. Hakkai stroked his pet over the top of his head, between the horns, an unspoken thanks. “It seems like you might be the only one who’s safe with me, Hakuryu.”

Laying his palm over smooth scales and soft fur, Hakkai calmed his breathing, feeling Hakuryu’s breathing under his hand. Silently, he began to weep. The dragon waited until the tears subsided before licking them away.

End part 2

Thanks to Car Jack for the review. Your encouragement was much appreciated.

Cheers? Jeers? Theories that Mandy from *The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy* is actually Sanzo\'s illegitimate daughter? Please review.