Too Much

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Chapter 2: Yuki POV



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Chapter 2: I was crying too much to care



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I looked at the tiny clock on my computer. I had no idea it was so late. I had been planning to take a break for coffee just as soon as you popped your head through the door. But apparently you didn’t, and I wondered if you had today off. Maybe I could take you out to lunch and shopping in one of my oh so rare moments of affection.



I know it didn’t really show, my love for you, but I knew it was there. How else could I keep someone like you around? You’re so hyper and alive. I think that, while annoying, is one of your most endearing traits. Just thinking about you had me craving a kiss, and maybe more. If it was your day off, I reasoned you’d probably still be curled up in bed, snuggled on my side because I never showed. Ah, the downside of deadlines.



I left my study to find the house eerily quiet. Before I went to see you in bed, I thought to check the kitchen to see if by chance you did have work today, and in a fit of conscience, just decided to leave me a note. But there was no note. There weren’t even signs that you’d tried to make breakfast. So I slipped down the hall to the bedroom. Only, you weren’t there either.



And I was angry. You’d never gone off before without telling me in some way or another. I thought then that you were mad at me for staying in the study all night and had left without saying anything in a childish fit of stubbornness. It made me angry. And so I no longer wondered about you. If you had done something so childish as that, I would simply return to my computer and wait until you came crawling back like you always did, teary eyed with apology at the ready.



Returning to my computer, I grabbed a cigarette and my lighter for a quick fix of nicotine. As I lit up, a balloon popped up on my screen, “The Clean Up Wizard can remove unused icons from your desktop!” I figured, what the hell, let it run while I puffed away on my morning hit.



To continue, click next.



Click.



The shortcuts below will be moved to the Unused Desktop Shortcuts folder.



Click.



Windows will move the following shortcuts to the Unused Desktop Shortcuts folder on your desktop.



That’s when I saw it. A document in the compiled list with the name “To Yuki.” I cancelled the wizard and clicked open the document. It popped up in a new window, and the next thing I heard was the sound of my heart breaking.



Yuki,



It’s hard to go on knowing that I’m a burden to everyone around me and not knowing how you feel about me. But then again, I do know. I’m so sorry that I forced my one-sided love on you. All I ever wanted was for you to love me in return, but I should have respected your wants instead of trying to gain my own. I should have done that for everyone, but you especially. The one I love, with all my heart. And I will go on loving you wherever my useless soul ends up.



Know that I’m doing this so that you, and everyone else, can finally be happy. Hiro can go on to do what he wants and love who he wants without having to worry what will happen to me. Seguchi can finally rest now that I’m no longer going to be after his precious Eiri. Ryuichi can finally embrace the career he came back to after so long without having me around to cramp his style. And you, Yuki, can finally be free of me. I’ll no longer bother you. You can love who you will. Or you can love no one at all. I can’t judge you, not after what I plan to do.



It’s gone too far to stop. This is the only way. You’re the only one I’ve said goodbye to. Please tell the others that no matter what they may think, I’ve always loved them, even if I was too selfish and self-centered to ever say it.



If I’ve been wrong about this whole thing, please don’t come looking for me. It would be too much to know that you really did care this whole time and I was too stupid to realize it. I’d never forgive myself for putting you through this if it turned out I was wrong. So even if I am, pretend that I’m not. Say goodbye now, whether I haven’t done it yet or you’ve found this ten years after the fact. Just say goodbye.



I love you.



Shuichi



I never knew the sound a shattered heart makes while breaking could be so deafening. Reading your words, I felt a chill creep up on me. When did you write this? I looked frantically for the date, realizing nothing made sense. I had seen you just the day before, and I was on the computer the whole night. The document told me it had been typed and saved two days ago. I vaguely recalled leaving my computer, leaving the house, to get more cigarettes. Is that when you did it? I was gone for ten minutes. Had you been rehearsing what you’d type before you sat down at my computer?



Why? Why would you do this? But it was clear from your note that you had obviously thought you had done something wrong. But from what I read, it was completely my fault. I drove you to the breaking point, and then I apparently pushed you over the edge. My insecurities pushed you to and then past this point, putting the blame solely on me. I sat in shocked silence for a while. Then I started to disbelieve the whole thing. This was some crazy ploy to get my attention, I told myself. And then my phone rang. K was looking for you. You never showed up to the studio.



I never knew a heart could break twice before it had a chance to heal. I told K in clipped sentences what you were planning, while pulling on a coat. If you weren’t at the studio, there weren’t many other places you could pull what you were trying to pull. Really only one place. Your old apartment. I realized I never really cared what you did with yourself when I kicked you out, but somehow I’d managed to retain that small bit of information. I just didn’t know where it was. But I thought your friend might. So I called him, your Hiro. God bless him, he knew. He knew!



And goddamn it if my heart didn’t break for the third time within the hour when I saw you, lifeless on the floor. Your wrists slit vertically along the vein, your eyes closed and covered by a shock of your hair, blood pooled around your small body, your skin so pale and cold-looking. I couldn’t even get to you. I fell to my knees. Six years. Six years I’d gone without something like this happening, six years without shedding a goddamn tear of remorse.



I heard rather than saw everybody crowd into the small space. Seguchi, Sakano, K, Hiro, Suguru. They all gathered around your still body, someone reaching down to feel for a pulse, shouting, cell phones being whipped out, someone trying to talk to me, holding me. They were trying to reassure me. But...



I was crying too much to care.