Silent Acceptance

1 bd/1 ba for Rent, No Smoking/Pets

“Against my parent's will, I left the house. And I took Yukihito with me...”

-Mid November, seven years ago-


“So, here we are,” Sawa said after the landlord took his leave. “Home sweet home.”

Tsuneo and Yukihito Sawa, aged 24 and 14 respectively, recently left a warm and stable home in Chiba. Sawa recently quit a well paying and upwardly mobile job as a police officer.

His reason? He had a desire that he simply had to follow. After years a being the dutiful son from a nice family, Sawa felt ready to find out exactly who he was.

Yukihito was pretty much along for the ride. He would have followed his uncle out into the streets if he had left without him. He found Sawa's presence a source of comfort during his time living with his grandparents, and despite what they thought, it wasn't completely because Sawa resembled his dead mother. The man talked to him, and not as someone expecting a verbal response, but as someone who could take his physical cues. Yukihito's every look and gesture was his own language in which Sawa became quite fluent. Even regaining his voice didn't keep him from using his language most of the time still.

All the nice and pleasant adjectives that the ad for the one bedroom apartment used flew away like embers the moment the two laid eyes on the actual place. “Spacious” became “cramped”. “Quiet” gave way to “Walls as thin as shoji screens” and “Perpetually dripping faucet”. “Clean” actually meant “Strange spots on the carpet”, “Permanent ring around the stand-up shower” and “Faint musky odor coming from the couch.”

On the bright side, though. It was cheap, available, and the landlord didn't require a credit check or look too suspiciously at just why a grown man would want to rent a crappy apartment close to Shinjuku with his barely adolescent “cousin”. Any good citizen would have Sawa arrested and Yukihito spirited back to his grandparents' home before the deposit hit the bank.

Speaking of which...

“Yukihito,” Sawa began, pausing until the boy looked up at him. “I know this may not be what you were expecting. This might not even be a safe place for someone your age, so if you have any second thoughts about living with me, let me know. I won't be upset, and we'll have you in Chiba before bedtime, okay?”

Yukihito huffed, rolling his eyes and stepping close enough so his nose brushed against Sawa's shoulder, and gave him an impatient look. Those gestures said enough. He wanted to be here, and was tired of hearing Sawa ask him if he was sure. He already “told” him as much three time before the move even started.

Relieved, Sawa smiled at him. Though he was greatly concerned for Yukihito's safety, he was glad he wouldn't be going though this alone.

“All right then. Let's get unpacked.”

The task would take more than a day, given the amount of stuff they brought along. One dresser and a wardrobe for their clothes, Sawa's bed, kitchen appliances still in boxes from the store, and all of Sawa's books and corresponding bookshelves now took up most of the space in the living room. While the books and cases made for an extra trip in the tiny moving van they rented, Sawa hoped it would be worth it. The apartment came with a television, but neither one of them watched TV a lot in the first place, preferring to read.

One and a half hours later, Yukihito was yawning and rubbing his eyes. The bed, dresser and wardrobe were in their appropriate places, and two bookshelves were already assembled, one of which he was re-shelving. The whole day of moving was taking a toll on the pale boy.

“Sleepy?” Sawa asked, receiving a nod in return. “So am I. Let's just call it a day, and we can finish up tomorrow.”

He let Yukihito have first shot in the shower as he made the bed. Here was were Yukihito would sleep while he took his chances with the musty couch. Hopefully it wouldn't be so bad if he threw a blanket over it before lying down. Once he found a new job, he would buy a futon for the living room.

As Sawa showered next, Yukihito examined the two sleeping arrangements. They hadn't gotten around to discussing who would sleep where, so he assumed that Sawa would want his own bed. Grabbing a few extra blankets, Yukihito headed for the couch.

He was already lying down covering himself when Sawa stepped out of the bathroom.

“Wait, Yukihito-kun, the bed is for you,” he said quickly, walking over and pulling the covers back. “It's a lot more comfortable than here, and Mom and Dad would kill me if they knew I was making you sleep on some strange couch.”

Silently, Yukihito rose and followed Sawa into the bedroom as the older man talked about tomorrow's plans; job hunting, calling his parents to let them know that they were fine, grocery shopping and so on. Sawa tucked the boy in and kissed him on the forehead, a move that never failed to make a blush rise in both their cheeks, and wished him good night.

The couch was just as uncomfortable as he predicted, lumpy in some spots and hard in others, and too short for his tall frame. Sawa found himself tossing and turning for a while before finding a spot that was remotely comfy. As he setting in, he heard Yukihito step out of this room. He assumed he was going to the bathroom, so Sawa allowed himself to try and fall asleep. The footsteps drew closer to him though, and he opened his eyes to see Yukihito standing before him, hand out to tap his shoulder.

“Can't sleep?”

Yukihito nodded, kneeling down and resting his hand on Sawa's hand folded on his chest. In the flicker of a street lamp shining through the blinds, Sawa could see that Yukihito was looking at him, questioning.

“I don't think the couch could fit the both of us. It barely fits me...”

Glare. Duh.

Sawa expected that response. “Do you want to share the bed, then?”

Yukihito looked down for a moment shyly, then met his eyes once more. “...yeah...”

It made Sawa very glad whenever Yukihito would speak. From the frantic cries of “Mom!” a few months ago to this tiny utterance, spoken so softy as if the word would break, each time would prove to him that the young man was slowly coming out of his shell. It would take some time, but he knew it would be possible.

There really was no harm in sharing a full sized bed, even though the very idea made Sawa feel just a little strange, the same feeling that made him blush whenever he would kiss Yukihito's forehead or cheeks or pull him in for a hug. Simple affectionate gestures just made him feel that he should be getting in trouble for enjoying them, and he had no idea why. But if it would help Yukihito sleep better, and keep him from straining his back on the couch, then they would share the bed.

They returned back to the bedroom, and Yukihito was fast asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. Sawa watched him sleep from a respectful distance, squelching the urge to brush his dark bangs from his face. The kiss goodnight was enough. It wouldn't be good to overdo it.

As Sawa shut his eyes, hoped that he would be able to take care of his young charge. He would have to balance that with discovering himself.


Minato Gauken looked like any other neighborhood school. It was lunchtime, with many students, girls in dark gray skirts and ivory blouses and boys in dark gray uniforms, outside eating from lunchboxes and chatting with friends in the crisp fall air.

From the other side of the iron gate, Yukihito clutched the sleeve of Sawa's sweater, more out of anxiety than from the chill. He did not want to go back to school, and he didn't want to attend a new school either. He was far more comfortable at home nose deep in books and far away from other people. Other people still made him nervous.

“Relax,” Sawa attempted to reassure him, squeezing the hand that grabbed him. “You won't be going here until the new school year in April. Mom and Dad talked to the administration and explained your situation. If you pass the entrance exams, you're cleared for high school.” He turned the boy to face him. “You're very smart, and I've got faith that you'll ace them, with a little help of course.” He gestured to the bags they were carrying. The administrators suggested some workbooks to catch Yukihito up in what he should have learned while not attending school for months. Arithmetic, reading and grammar, a few books on Japanese history, and one book on English. Sawa was sure that this would, at the very least, keep him occupied while he went off to work.

It took only two weeks after moving into the neighborhood for Sawa to find a job. He waved his experience as a cop around and snagged a nighttime security job for MyCity, one of the huge department stores located near the station. He regretted taking that job seconds after accepting it. Working nights meant leaving Yukihito home alone from about 10 p.m. until dawn, a thought that didn't sit well with him at all. At least he could comfort himself with the fact that Yukihito could learn a bit of self-sufficiency in his absence. It would do the boy some good. Finding work also made those tense phone calls to his parents less so. They felt better knowing that he was bringing in an honorable income to care for their grandchild. The deal was that as long as Yukihito wasn't being neglected, they wouldn't interfere with Sawa's life. A steady job was further security.

In their concern for Yukihito, they didn't neglect to express their disappointment in the path Sawa was taking. They had such high hopes for him, especially after Yukie's death. Dad wanted to be able to point at him and say, “That's my son, officer of the law.” Mom wanted a wedding to a nice and quiet girl. Both wanted more grandchildren to spoil. He was terribly sorry that his wishes broke their hearts. He hoped he could gain some acceptance from them from taking good care of Yukihito on his own.

He was caught in eyes thoughts that he didn't notice Yukihito nudging him for a moment. The boy's hazel eyes were full of concern at the sudden change of demeanor.

“It's nothing, Yukihito-kun.” Smiling, he bent to pick up the bags of books resting near his feet. “I wonder how you'll look in one of those uniforms. We'll have to take a picture come spring for Mom and Dad. Shall we head home now?”

Nodding, Yukihito led the way back to the train station. The sooner they got back, the better he'd feel. He knew Sawa was lying, but to be honest, he didn't want to know what caused his uncle's mood to momentarily darken. He was nervous enough with dealing with the possibility of school in a few months and Sawa's upcoming absences with work.

On the train Sawa attempted to engage Yukihito in conversation. He had to get used to speaking in public if school was going to work out for him. Luckily the train wasn't very crowded in the afternoons.

“What would you like for dinner tonight?”

Yukihito kept looking down at the bags on his lap. The dozen other people in the car were still too many for his comfort. The answer was obvious anyway; they'd stocked up on a lot of Curry Rice two days ago. Until the first paycheck cleared, they would have to eat simply.

Undaunted by the silence, Sawa tried again. “So, which book do you want to start with when we get home?”

Sawa hoped that the boy wasn't ignoring him in anger over having to go back to school. They were sitting next to each other, so he knew that he was being heard just fine. He touched his arm gently, calling his name.

Yukihito flinched, glaring up at him, eyes flickering briefly to the other passengers before settling back to his lap. It looked as if Sawa was pushing him a little too soon. He'd never flinched at his touch before, and that both hurt and concerned Sawa greatly.

Wrapping an arm around those stiffened shoulders, Sawa lowered his voice a bit so that only Yukihito could hear him. “I suppose I shouldn't be putting you on the spot like this. I'm sorry. We'll take this one step at a time, all right?”

He could feel the smaller frame relax slightly, still wary of the others on the train, and the dark head leaned over and rested against him. They'd be home soon, and then Yukihito would be able to relax a great deal more then.

Author's Notes:

Yeah, I knew this was going to start out kind of slow in order to create setting and a sense of time. This is the past, long before Haru wo Daite Ita (the book) was even written or conceived, when just establishing a new home was the most important thing in Sawa and Yukihito's lives at the moment.

About their ages: Man, this took so much brain wrestling to get a realistic view of their ages, because I at first thought that Sawa's age was never mentioned in the canon story. So I made some real weird assumptions of when Yukihito would be born and when he first meets Katou and Iwaki (I even assumed he'd be older than both of them, but not by much).

Then I reread “Mother's Rouge” about a week after I was done with this chapter, trying to look up some other fact that I thought I had forgotten. Right on the second or third page, right under his first closeup: “Tsuneo Sawa, 23 years old”. I have no clue, after about a month of searching, how I manged to miss that. Then after I smack myself on the head a few times, I went for a little rewrite here and a major revamping of the Prologue.

I'm just so glad I figured it out before I posted any part of this story :)

Oh, MyCity is a real live huge department store in the Shinjuku district that focuses mostly on women's fashion. I assume that working there is going to be both a treat and a torture for our crossdressing hero.

And in case you were wonder when I was going to get to that major part of Sawa's self, it's coming up in the very next chapter!

...this tiny utterance, spoken so softy as if the word would break...