Towers of Silence

At this opportunity I want to thank everyone who encouraged me to start writing a second chapter.


Towers of Silence
- Darkened Sun
------------------------------


“Gojyo?”

There was darkness. Deep darkness and not the faintest hint of light.

-What the fuck...-

I wasn’t able to move. I was lying on the floor, or at least I believed that this uncomfortable thing must be the floor. It couldn’t have been anything else. It was cold and the air smelled clear but close. I tried to think what had happened before I had to come to lie there.

Not much to remember. We had been taking a walk at dusk, enraptured by the night and its charms. From time to time we raised our heads to look at the cloudy sky and consciously inhaled the biting cold air, which already smelled of snow. We passed another rivulet and then…

Hm…

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt something… something touching me in the dark…

Maybe he was also there with me?

“Gojyo?”

I felt something touching my ankles and then something soft against my neck. Heat crept up my cheeks and I writhed from a terrible thrill in my stomach and for a few seconds I was scared silly because I was unable to move and didn‘t know who was touching me there.

“Gojyo!!”

Someone were rubbing their head against my back... how odd. Then I heard a muffled voice like whoever it was wasn’t able to speak clearly, perhaps because of a gag or something like that.

“Mmh...”

And finally I recognized that voice…

“Gojyo, can you move?”

“Mmmh.”

It was useless to ask that since he wasn’t able to talk.

I was already thinking about how to get rid of the rope when he turned to the side and started to work on the knot that kept my hands together. But it was too tight to be opened that easily.

“Gojyo… stop it. There’s no use trying to open that, it’s too tight.”

I had already thought of another plan to escape from that awkward situation. As I could still feel the waves that the sutra was constantly sending out around my shoulders I knew that our captors, whoever they may have been, had not taken it from me. Thanks to the Gods that they weren’t after the sutra because I was already so sick of those sorts of people. Happily, I started reciting the words of the prayer that gave life to the scripture.

“MMMMHH!!” He was pushing his head against mine.

“Ma… ni… Shut UP! Hatsu…”

The power of that divine gift flowing through my body felt so good; I loved every time I was able to ban the demons with that beloved thing. Gojyo had gone silent by now; he was trying to curl up into a ball as best as it was possible.

But I didn’t care; my mind was absorbed with the feeling of warm pleasure and the invisible effects of using the sutra that were always so totally fascinating. Every time I used it, it forced me to tense up as much as possible, to tighten my back until my spine formed a straight line from my ass to my head and only in this posture was the scripture able to take and use my power by using the Chi which was flowing through the meridians of my body.

It sent hot thrills up and down my spine and I had to concentrate hard on spelling the words right - otherwise the control would have been broken and the sutra would have taken everything it could get from me, which would mean giving up my soul and also my body; it would destroy me completely. I have never seen anybody giving in like that but Komyou had always warned me about it.

I had to break free, to move my arms, to get into a better position so I could breathe normally but that was impossible. I was tired and weak and it was two times harder to control the scripture when I wasn’t in a good state of health. While I was trying hard to hold the scripture in place until I had recited the end of the lines I was already shivering and sweating from exertion.

At least I didn’t suffer from the cold air anymore.

The pressure was building up every second and the warm pleasure forced me to moan between the words.
Usually I was able to control myself so as not to show the others how much I enjoyed calling on the powers of the scripture but now it didn’t matter anyway. Gojyo could hear it, and I didn’t give a damn about it.

Finally, I had managed to spell the words correctly and the fabric was reproducing and multiplying itself until all I had to do was tell it what I wanted it to do for me. The scripture broke through the bonds and started spreading throughout the room; I couldn’t see anything so I let it go wherever it wanted to fly.

Fuck.

I had forgotten about Gojyo. In the end he was a Youkai and those creatures always lured the scripture onto them. Dammit…

“Gojyo!”

With an aching back I attempted to sit up and clear the textiles away from my eyes. I let go of the control in order to concentrate on forming words but then I just felt the sutra taking more power from me. Wildly I turned around to look what had happened to Gojyo.

The banishing sutra had tied him to the wall; it had gotten hold of his feet and hands, winding up from his toes to his head. He was staring at me in shock with wide eyes, which were showing his pain and surprise. I didn’t exactly know what the scripture did to the Youkai it attacked that caused them to die, they were simply dead afterwards and I never bothered about the question why.

I was pulling on the fabric but it didn’t give way so I tried to gain control over it again. Gojyo was writhing beneath me so I tried hard to move it away from his body. The very instant I got hold of it I felt the warmth flowing through my body again. I told it just to hold him in place and not to hurt him and his gaze changed immediately. I removed the bands from his mouth and he sucked in the air with a loud gasp.

I took a few steps back.

Nice.

Very nice, having him there where I had wanted him for months. I hadn’t had quite the right opportunity to do that with him but now... it was just perfect. The scripture wasn’t helping me to calm down either; it just aroused me even more, giving me thrills from using my power and will. I closed my eyes to prevent myself from moaning out loud.

“Sanzo...?”

He was panting and his voice sounded harsh and confused. His expression was still surprised or maybe shocked, I couldn’t really tell which.

I opened my eyes again and went towards him to put a hand on his cheek. He was sweating and hot, quite unusual for him.

“What... are you doing...?” He wasn’t able to think straight, and he was just staring at me.

“Something I have been wanting to do for a very long time.”

I caressed his face before leaning in to lick the beads of sweat from his forehead. He twisted in the bonds and I mercilessly tightened them. He was nearly crying.

“What….”

“Calm down, I won’t allow it to hurt you. Maybe.”

I was smiling and pressing my mouth against his. He didn’t respond, but I could easily break through his lips to stick my tongue into his mouth.

“Mmmh...” He turned his head to the side, ”What the hell are you doing, Sanzo?!”

Now he was in full control of his mind.

“What does it seem like?”

He was glaring at me. ”Rape?”

Rape… That word made me remember our last time together... I had been far behind sense and reason; I had gone nuts in every way.

Unwillingly my eye was twitching and I was fighting to remain on my feet…the scripture was still using my chi and that little word had given me another sting to the heart… Rape… I didn’t want to admit it but on the other hand I really had enjoyed it too much.

“No… it wasn’t.”

He was looking at me with a worried gaze. I looked up and swallowed hard. I decided to put that incident out of mind and to get on with whatever shit I had started.

“Rape? Shall I show you what rape is?”

I wasn’t able to smile right now; I stared at him in a mix of seriousness and uncertainty. I did not want it to end like last time.

I kissed him on his cheek, soft and caring, and he turned to look at me.

“What’s that supposed to mean? First you nearly tear me apart with that fucking scripture and the next moment you kiss me like the devil himself?”

“Sorry.”

“Well…don’t you think we should take a look what’s behind that door? They could come in here any minute.”

“And I will tear them apart with the scripture instead of you.” Now I managed a nice smile.

“But that’s weird... they catch us and the first thing you do when you wake up is feel the urge to get turned on by me…”

I could feel the sarcasm behind his words so I wasn’t worried about them. To calm him down I turned around and opened the door, which wasn’t locked. There was just another cold room with a table and a bed. And no one was there.

Slowly I also began to wonder... our captors, they must have thought that we were rich travellers or something like that and when they had seen that we didn’t carry any money with us they had just left us there and fled.

“There’s no one on the other side of the door, so we’re alone.”

“But doesn’t it seem weird to you that they... AAAHH!!”

I was touching the bulge of his pants.

“Gods, you are so sick.”

“I’m sick? Is it you or I who moaned just now? And by the way – you’re the one unlucky enough to be with me. You could have left me at any time to live in peace and harmony.”

I was in the mood for talking now; I had to distract myself from the erection the scripture was causing down in my pants.

“There’s no peace without you, Sanzo.”

“Still the fucking charming bastard…”

I couldn’t bear the scripture anymore; it was beginning to make me feel light-headed and sick… and neither could I hide my lust anymore... so I decided to put an end to that oh so delicate situation. I gave up my control and ordered it to vanish. Slowly it fell from his body to the floor, like a snake, and disappeared into the dark.

Using it always leaves me in a weakened state of mind but this time it was worse than ever; I bet I must have used nearly all my chi to control them and now, because of the lack of it, I couldn’t stand anymore. I sank to the floor panting and determined to gain new strength, but that was impossible.

Gojyo bent down to grab my arm but I pushed him away. I still didn’t like it when he was worried about me and wanted to help me. And the last thing I wanted was for him to see me weakened like that after using the scripture... he must have thought that I wasn’t strong enough to use them.

“Fuck off.”

“I just want to help you, Sanzo.”

I could have helped myself if I had wanted to, I didn’t need him to help me get up.

He was kneeling next to me. “You still don’t trust me?” He was offended.

I was pretty talented in hurting him, but I didn’t want him to feel bad because of my moods.

“I do.”

With a warm smile he helped me to stand up and to search for my sandals. There was still nobody in the other room so we crossed it and opened the door to escape from that place. What hit our faces when we opened the door was more than uncomfortable: snow, freezing wind and more snow.

“Fuck, Sanzo, don’t you have boots? It’s winter out right now!”

“Shut up…” I was annoyed because I hadn’t thought about searching for my boots since it was still autumn, but now winter had surprised me in my sandals.

“Dammit.”

“You’ll catch a cold if you walk around in the snow with nothing but those pretty socks and perversion of –shoes-,” He told me, grinning.

“So how about carrying me home then?” I smiled back.

“That’s a joke... first you torture me and then you expect ME to carry YOU home? I’m glad I’m able to walk on my own. But we don’t have a choice, there’s nothing to eat or drink here and soon we’ll suffer from loss of water and then we won’t be able to go anywhere.”

That sounded plausible so I took a step into the snow.

After five steps I was soaked to the skin and after 15 steps I couldn’t feel my toes anymore.

“Gojyo...”

He was walking in front of me; it was obvious that he also had difficulties in moving.

He turned around. “Yeah?”

“…I can’t feel my toes anymore…”

He looked down at my snow-covered feet.

”I’m sorry Sanzo, but I can’t do anything about it…”

He was shivering from the cold because the wind cooled the air and had already turned his sweat into ice on his hair and face.

I sighed. He was right, he couldn’t do shit about it. I didn’t want to take one more step; I just wanted to lie down and sleep and to feel nothing.

“Come on, Sanzo…we can’t stop here… please...”

It was getting weird. I looked up and studied him. He seemed quite motivated and full of life whereas I wasn’t more than a shadow of myself… going numb...

My senses had given up working but my heart was still beating, just to keep that worn body alive... I felt desperate. I didn’t know where this feeling had come from but now it was there and I realized how hopeless our current situation was. Cold, hungry, thirsty and sore… I couldn’t continue walking. I was standing there, staring at the snow under me and waiting for the frozen rain to cover me…

“Hey!! Sanzo!! Fucking come on!”

The snow felt so agreeable now, it was warm and softly touching me…I must have smiled because I felt the corners of my mouth rise but I just kept on standing there, caught by the perfect solid white of the snow. Innocent, pure and silent, most of all because it was there without any compromises, it was fascinating.

“Sanzo…?”

His voice was the only sound that filled the thick air between us; it was snowing heavily and everything was so silent and peaceful. That was what I had been searching for.

Peace, silent peace.

I could have done whatever I wanted to but I couldn’t make my body move anymore, it was too heavy and much too distasteful, too senseless. But I felt good there. I didn’t want to give up that security.

It would be a nice, silent death. Beautiful.

The cold was creeping up my legs and I liked the feeling of them getting numb. At least I didn’t have to feel them anymore; they were unnecessary, always had been. They just kept getting me into the wrong situations…

Minutes passed, days passed, months and even years passed there without any interruption... just perfect.

“HEY!!! Do you want to end up as a piece of frozen meat out here, or what?! Pull yourself together!“

He was pushing and pulling my shoulders, sending my head back and forth but I didn’t register that anymore.
He could have done whatever he wanted to do with me, I wouldn’t have complained about it. It didn’t matter. Fact.

“What the hell….” He grabbed my head and forced me to look through him with my empty gaze.

I saw something red there... blurring... But it didn’t matter.

“You fucking asshole… I hate it when you’re so moody. Do I have to knock some sense into you, huh?”

-Yes, do what you please. Go suck a tree if you want to.-

“Dammit, Sanzo!!”

I felt him lean against my stiff body; he didn’t know what to do.

-Leave me alone, I’m fine.-

“Is it some kind of spell that’s captured your mind…or what? Sanzo... tell me...”

He must have felt cold because he was moving from one foot to the other, still trying to convince me to follow him... stupid idiot.

“Sanzoo…”

He gave it up. He let go of me and took a few steps back to look at me.

Fine. Everything was fine. The cold was making me go stiff and just like when you jump into cold water and are unable to breath in a constant rhythm, I was fighting to get some biting air into my lungs. Silly mechanism, tried to keep me alive…

It didn’t matter. Soon I would be too weak to take care of them anymore, they would finally stop working and let me drown in silence.

Little puffs of white air escaped my mouth as I tried to continue breathing. I felt the water from the melted snow turn into ice on my head as well…so many impressions, so little time to take notice of them. My muscles had a life of their own and twitched uncontrollably. Hopefully it was going to end soon.

“Is it from using the scripture? Is it that? Sanzo... talk to me...”

-Scripture… what… what’s that… yes, the scripture…it was it’s fault, of course.-

“Shit, I’m freezing to death here… fuck you.”

He was moving towards me... or just moving... something like that. I felt him put his hands on my ass and back and he lifted me up until he was able to walk with me in his arms. It didn’t matter. I didn’t care.

“I'm gonna kill you when we get home…”

He was panting heavily from the exertion and every step was harder than the one before. He was warm but I didn’t care, there was silence around us and nothing was moving out there in the woods except for us.

“I don’t have a clue which direction to head in, but I hope that we’re lucky enough to see something we can remember having seen before…”

-Yes, lucky... whatever that means.-

I kept dozing in that beautiful state of mind… it felt too good to stop.

-----

Suddenly I smelled a familiar scent. I couldn’t raise my head, it had come to lie on his chest, and I was too weak to move it. Then I fell… he let me fall down…

Eternally…

Or just seconds... forever…I dunno…

Well, it didn’t matter.

Blurry shadows in front of me, grey and dark…

“His eyes are red... what happened to him...?”

“Must come from the snow, you know... honestly I think he hadn’t closed them for minutes sometimes…just kept staring at nothing.”

“It’s painful to keep your eyes open longer than 15 seconds…he must be blind now!”

I felt the need to cough so I tried to suck in some air to relieve that stress.

“Anyway…what... what’s wrong with him? He seems quite out of it.”

“I don’t know! Suddenly he stopped walking and just kept standing there in the cold. I tried everything to make him move but he…didn’t notice me…or something like that.”

…The shadows were moving…

“I hate it when I don’t know what he’s thinking... what he’s suffering from… It’s just like the last time when he had that bad dream. I wasn’t able to console him but I swore that from that time on I would be there whenever he needed me…”

I felt something warm on my mouth; it was much better than the snow, which had been destroying my mind… much better. It was also silent, peaceful and deeply honest. It forced me to moan into it and the sound that the other made was calming me down. And it forced me to come back into reality just to taste more of it, to enjoy it. I was a bit sad when that warm feeling left me but it was just like an invitation to come back into life.

There was a name…maybe if I said it out loud I would remember what it meant…

I opened my mouth and wanted to talk but I was so hoarse, that I wasn’t even able to hear my own voice.
Defeated, I closed my mouth and tried to sort out the forms in front of my eyes.

“What?”

“He wanted to say something, Hakkai... did you see that?”

…Red circles appeared in my vision, from time to time shaded by the lids of his eyes…

“Sanzo… can you hear me?”

-Yes.-

I couldn’t tell him, I could only make a guttural sound but I think he understood. I felt his hot breath on my face; it made me remember the old times, how we would lie in bed, with my back turned to him and his breath caressing my neck… With all my strength I tried to press the air through my vocal cords to form words. It sounded horrible but finally I managed to talk. That was all that mattered.

“Gojyo…”

Now that I was able to talk again I didn’t know what to tell him… I couldn’t think of any nice words. I had never been able to think of any nice words. He was touching my head, and with the back of his hand he touched my eyes and cheek. He seemed glad.

“Nice that you finally decided to come back again. It was terrible to see you so desperate and out of your mind... I really thought you would stay like that forever... I was really scared.”

It felt so good to have somebody who took care of me... I had been a complete fool…rejecting that warmth and security for the Gods knew why. He reached out to wipe away my tears with his thumb and smiled. Then he turned his head.

“What can we do for him now?”

Some moments of silence passed.

“Well... let me think… He needs some warmth, but a hot bath would be too much for him now…
Besides he needs something for his throat, the way he’s talking he must be very sore there. Hm...”

Hakkai was examining me. Slowly I could see the lines more clearly…

“Headache?”

-Who... me?-

“Sanzo...”

“Yes…”

“I think that it would be best to drive to the city to get some medicine for him.”

“But the weather is really bad, Hakkai!”

“Well, Sanzo isn’t any better, is he?”

Gojyo gave me a brief glance.

“Not really.”

“So…shall I bring you anything else from there... cigarettes... alcohol...”

“Yes...” Gojyo started to shout.

“Both.” I continued.

“Same old….” Hakkai laughed and shut he door behind him.

Gojyo continued to stare at the door for some minutes and then he turned his full attention on me. I couldn’t really identify his expression... and I didn’t like being stared at like that, either. I couldn’t even turn my head to look away, dammit.

“What was up with you? You looked so lost and out of your mind, just like you’d decided to die right there and then.”

Trying to remember that scene…snow and cold…indifference… This must have been what he was talking of. Anyway, he wouldn’t have let me fall asleep again before he had gotten some answers from me.

“The scripture.”

He didn’t seem quite content with that.

“It always claims my mind and soul…it’s so difficult to remain sane when using it... and I am too weak to use it.”

At least I had to admit it... I was too weak to handle that strong power.

“You aren’t. Maybe you were this time, but you aren’t.”

He was sitting on the bed near me, seriously capturing my eyes with his in order to keep me in reality.

“Maybe.”

“No. For sure.”

He leaned down and embraced me, and he didn’t let go of me, he just held me tight and I enjoyed the warmth he was radiating.

“You’re so cold…don’t you feel uncomfortable?”

Hell, yeah, it was goddamn cold.

“Yes.”

“So... why didn’t you tell me then?”

With a smile he lifted the blankets and sneaked under them. Then he spread his arms and legs over my body and it felt so good to be back at home.

“Would you mind... taking off your pants...? I think I will get more of your heat then.”

I blinked at the sentence I had dared to say aloud…just escaped death and now already longing for… No, talking like a spout, in the end it was nothing more than sex.

No... I needed his warmth; it had always felt so good to feel his skin against mine.

Grinning, he really took off his pants and let them drop to the floor. He moved closer to me, touching my hip with his cock and putting his upper leg over my thighs. Now I couldn’t help but smile…I didn’t understand now anymore why I had wanted the snow to cover me and to go completely numb.

He was the sun, melting away the snow. He was shining, not me... no matter how often he had called me his sun, I had darkened constantly. I wasn’t anybody’s sun. But maybe he could make me shine again like I did when he was sad. He was easy to handle in those situations, it was easy to console him. He didn’t need many words to get happy again. I was pretty proud of myself when I was able to make him feel better at those times because I knew that I wasn’t good with words or even with consoling.

“Sanzo... do you feel better now?”

He always cared for me no matter what I did to him. I could try to kill him and he would come to me crawling and apologising for making my shirt dirty with his blood.

“Yes, thank you.”

There was silence; I was thinking about telling him about the scripture, I was in quite a talkative mood now... or maybe this was just my method to get over that situation, since I was still disconcerted.

“You really freaked me out when you started calling on the scripture, you know …” He was laughing all of a sudden, “I was sure that it would catch me as well, I could already sense it.”

There was no use thinking about the right words, I was much too tired to use my brain.

“I had totally forgotten about you. I wanted to break free and I didn’t think about you.”

It was terrible how honestly I was talking to him, it sounded just like my manifesto.

-First me, then you. Maybe.-

He was nuzzling in my hair. ”It doesn’t matter.”

Of course it did matter, with his way of living he had already made me think about my own sick way of treating people; I was far behind admitting that I was an egoistic bitchy prick, I had simply accepted it without really trying to change my attitude towards other people. Or at least towards him, others didn’t matter to me.

-Yes… doesn’t matter.-

“That was what I was telling myself all the time while standing in the snow. It doesn‘t matter. It felt so good to let go of the world, not to be responsible for anything and not to be forced to care for anything... the snow looked so perfect, so untouched...”

I was caught in my speech, I wanted to tell him how blissful it was to stand there and… wait for death... Hm?? What the fuck... He was kissing my neck, his hand petting my shoulder.

I was longing for death when I knew that I wasn’t ready yet. I couldn’t give up my life that had become so beautiful and I couldn’t let go of him. Well, still clinging to things, that’s the Sanzo way of life: Never give up. Fight until death. I had forgotten about that in the cold snow.

“Komyou had always told me not to give in.”

“What?”

“The scripture... it takes power from me in order to gain life and I have to be careful not to overstrain myself, it’s very hard to control it while trying not to put too much power into it. I think I must have used it too long this time. Every time I use it, it claim my mind to get a life of it’s own, it just uses my body to act and with my willpower I tell it what to do… but I gave in, I let it do what it wanted.”

His warmth felt so good, I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this shit….

“So after a few minutes I was forced to bear the effects of calling too long on it and as a result it… didn’t let go of my mind anymore... But it’s like a drug, it’s so pleasant to be in that state of mind…”

“But I don’t want you to be in that state again. Besides... you know I was carrying you all the way home! You shitty priest, I had to carry almost 120 kilos when I couldn’t even carry my own weight on my feet!”

I was smirking about that. It was always so funny when he turned from a serious topic to a ridiculous one without any introduction. But he was always taking me with him into that silly nonsense, distracting me from painful things.

“Sorry, my lord. Shall I fall to my knees now and kiss your toes and apologize for the rest of the night and thank you for your perpetual mercy for taking me with you?”

His fingers touched my throat, softly.

“One kiss is enough.”

He forced my head to turn and pushed his mouth against mine… like he was trying to break the bonds that were holding me somewhere in a dark part of my soul… bonds that only love can overcome... How trashy this may have sounded.

Encouraged, I darted my tongue out to meet his and it was a totally different feeling from before. I didn’t have to care either, or take any responsibility because he was watching over me. I could let go of myself, give up and let myself fall into his arms.

Our tongues were moving as if on their own. I opened my eyes to see him, to watch him while he was kissing me. His eyes were closed, his features seemed relaxed but also concentrated, his red hair was framing his face in a beautiful way, and it matched so well with his dark skin.

Suddenly his eyes flew open and he stared right into mine... He stopped kissing me and slowly drew back. Minutes passed while we were staring at each other; that situation wasn’t a rarity, we did that quite often. Then he opened his mouth. He always did, he didn’t have the patience to remain silent for that long and just stare at me.

“But….”

I was curious what would come from him now.

“Using the scripture... really turned you on, didn’t it?”

I could have really smacked him for that comment and the smirk he was presenting me with... idiot. I turned around to lie down again and let him sit there in his stupid mood, but of course he wasn’t Sha Gojyo if he gave up that quickly. Just like me.

“So I’m riiight… our shitty priest here loves to call on that thing ‘cause it gives him some wonderful orgasms… but tell me... are they better than the ones I give you?”

He was chuckling, Gods I hated him for that.

“Hell, now I understand why you’re so fond of that piece of cloth... it’s a pretty practical aphrodisiac, huh?”

My cheeks were burning from the heat and I was grinding my teeth, concentrating on not doing anything and just pretending I hadn’t heard him.

“Hey, Sanzo…fuck, I bet you’ve already given it a name, haven’t you?” He was laughing his ass off now and I was crushing the sheets with my fists. How could he have known about…? I was angry with myself. How could I have turned into a slave of that sutra so completely that I even gave it a name?

“Haaaaahhh…” He was calming down, ”C’mon, tell me, what do you call it?”

I could feel his smirk at my back…

“Jack...? Oh yeah, here’s Jack the Scripture, the living cloth that makes your cock dance!”

He broke out in loud laughter and I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I sat up in the bed, reached out and squeezed his throat so that he was forced to stop that goddamn laughter. He was coughing now, red from laughing but still smiling. How I was able to sit up without any difficulties... well...

“Hit a sore point, didn’t I?” the smirk was dripping from his voice like honey.

I was breathing heavily, the anger was paralysing my brains and I couldn’t do anything but squeeze him tighter.
His smirk faded from his face and he looked worried, his eyes half closed. He took my hands to loosen the grip a bit but I didn’t give in. Who was he to humiliate me like that when I was already down?

The idea struck me like lightning… but I was weak, too weak, but dammit he needed that lesson right now... at least I could try. I closed my eyes and tried to think about it. I grinned and Gojyo uncomfortably shifted in front of me…I bet he must have felt what was about to happen…

The doors of the cupboard flew open with a loud sound and thousands of pieces of my scripture appeared, floating through the air to catch him.

He was shocked and paralysed, he couldn’t move away... the scripture got hold of him, covering every part of his body except for his head. It wasn’t that difficult to control that thing now... it was being used just for fun, not intended to hurt or kill and it didn’t need so much power just for holding him. This time it nearly seemed like it wanted to cooperate with me... something like mending it’s hurt pride. That shitty thing really did have a life of its own.

Now I was chuckling and enjoying the sight. He was lying there, his feet and arms in tension and pulled from his body, unable to speak... his eyes a bright red but the pupils contracted from the shock.

I bent down and smirked at him. “Well, Jack is gonna be offended if you talk like that about him.”

“I knew… ah... that it was… male…”

“Of course it is. Do you think I travel with feminine creatures, or what?”

I felt the warmth pooling in my body again and that was what I was looking for. I didn’t know whether it was possible to do that but I could try. I concentrated on it and when it seemed like the scripture had understood what I was up to it went to work on it’s own. The comfortable heat remained there but now Gojyo opened his eyes again with a new shock. My plan must have worked. Fine.

-More-

I forced the scripture to obey and now Gojyo was gasping and jerking to break free. He seemed full of panic but also full of... I couldn’t really tell... maybe desperation. I was amused by that sight, it was just like I wanted it to be.
Pain is so close to pleasure, they say… Right.

“Now how are you feeling, Gojyo? Is everything fine? Everything fine DOWN there?” Smirk.

“…the fuck ! Aaaahhh…stop that…hhhhah…”

“Feels good, doesn’t it? You see, Jack really likes you.”

With a moan he arched up and the scripture gave in and let him move like he wanted to. He brought his hand to his groin, desperately trying to tug on the scripture but the moment he touched it, it forced his hands to lie down on the sheets.

“You goddamn twisted pervert, take it away from me!!!”

I made it hurt him now. Everywhere it was touching his skin it left a stinging sensation. He swallowed hard and gave up on trying to move.

“What …ah….do you want from me?”

He was right; I always wanted something from him when it came to such actions. He was defeated.

“It’s a really uncomfortable feeling, hm? The scripture around your cock…” He couldn’t miss the sarcasm in my voice.

He wildly looked up at me, screaming, “Fuck, it hurts!! And I understand how… marvellous it is…”

He made some last attempts at twisting but then he sank back onto the sheets, looking sad and humiliated.

Now it was time for the end of this game… Another brief command and the scripture did what I had told it.

With a surprised cry he arched up again and tensed up. He was moaning and panting loudly and I could feel it, he was in pure ecstasy; the scripture had the ability to show me the feelings of the ones I had captured with it… Wonderful.

But it wasn’t always wonderful. The scripture also let me feel the death the demons were suffering and every time I had to fight not to believe in the illusion of death. It was fine to have it the other way round for once. What a wonderful sight…

I made him come for as long as possible and when he couldn’t bear it any longer I ordered the scripture to leave him. It let go of him and began to wind up my legs and float around me. Strange. But it didn’t bother me.
He lay there, shivering and panting, his chest moving heavily and unsteadily in the rhythm of his breaths.

The scripture was sneaking up my body, touching my skin, which sent a new unknown pleasure through me… Power… Strength... It was caressing my skin; I raised my head and it wound round my neck, its floating presence sending out warm waves of pleasure.

Gojyo was staring at me in disbelief, but also fascinated by that show.

Actually I wasn’t doing anything, I didn’t control it anymore, it was doing what it wanted to do. Rubbing against my bare skin, playfully squeezing my muscles gently…

But Gojyo was waiting there for me, waiting for some answers, for A LOT of answers, staring at me idiotically...

When it noticed that I wanted to talk to Gojyo, the sutra slowly let go of me, falling majestically to the floor and crawling back to the cupboard where the scroll was lying. It respected me, everything about me. How different from the time when I used it in that house…Maybe it had come to understand that we could both get something from our symbiosis. That was fine by me.

I looked at him; he seemed fascinated by the play.

“By the way… I don’t call it –Jack-…”

His mouth was half open, his eyes full of anticipation but he wasn’t sure what to think of that. I sat down on the bed. I felt good now because the sutra had given me back my strength. I smiled at him in a friendly way and he bent his head.

“Sorry about that, I…was making fun of it…”

“I was in quite a rage. It hit me really hard when you talked like that.”

It hit me because I was denying it, I didn’t want to accept that the scripture was really giving me… some satisfaction.

“I know.”

He seemed dejected and sad… now he raised his head to look into my eyes with worry.

“Do they feel so much better than me? Do they make you happier than…I can make you...Sanzo?”

So this was the cause of his strange behaviour now. He was jealous of the scripture. I couldn’t help but smirk about that… in the end he really loved me, no matter what may come. It was so sweet, he was really jealous. I placed a kiss on his cheek.

“Of course not. You know that it has a life of its own and that it claims me for itself, but it can’t give me what you are able to give me.”

Fuck I sounded horrible, so sentimental. I despised that. But he didn’t seem absolutely convinced. So I tried again.

“It can’t do this for me…” I kissed him softly on his mouth.

“Neither can it do this to me…” And I smiled and put my hand on his cheek.

“And it can’t do this...” I was whispering into his ear.

“I love you…”

If he wasn’t sure now, then I didn’t know what else to do. But he was. He embraced me and I felt hot tears on my back.

“There’s always something that tries to separate us, Sanzo… every time I think we’re all right another abyss appears, and either it’s you or it’s me who gets caught in the darkness.”

“But we always get over it, don’t we. Our love is so deep that we can jump over it with the help of the other. It isn’t hopeless at all.”

Gods, if I didn’t shut up soon I would end up as a scriptwriter for some sob story. After saying that I felt embarrassed and I wished he hadn’t heard those words. But only he made me say such things, I wouldn’t ever think about such stupidities if I were alone.

But somehow I was also proud of those words; I hadn’t been aware of the fact that I was even able to think in such abstract terms. Jump over the abyss, yeah! Oh, dear…

Maybe he was thinking about that nonsense now. I had to stop him from that so I dragged him down with me so that we were lying there like before, with the difference being that I was holding him now. He had calmed down and was lying there silent and content. Nothing happened.

Minutes passed and he had fallen asleep, steadily breathing, relaxed and content with the world.

Hours passed and I desperately realized that I couldn’t fall asleep. I wanted a smoke now. Now, or I would have gone mad. I hated it when I wasn’t able to fall asleep, when I was so tired but the body didn’t allow the pleasure of sleeping and dreaming. Dammit.

Carefully I removed my hands from his back and chest and got up, walking towards the door with bare feet. I would have woken him if I had worn my sandals. My fags and lighter were lying on the table; I fetched them and went out of the room.

In our living room I sat down on the couch and lit myself the smoke I had been craving for hours. It calmed me down, forcing me to empty my head, which was full of thoughts about that weird scripture and his words. What had he said, some time ago… that he would follow me into death if I wanted him to… I had captured him like a butterfly in my net... he fell and rose with me but he wouldn’t have allowed himself that dependency if he had had a strong will. He was as weak as I was, talking about love and confidence and these things. Maybe he was thinking that I was the only one who was a wreck full of bad experiences with love but he wasn’t any better than me. No mother, no father, just a brother who disappeared from his life after killing his “mother”…of course he was searching for somebody who could give him the love he needed. He would have needed it in his childhood and he still needed it now.

Anyway, thinking about capturing him…it was a weird story how we finally came together.

It was the time when I was still that egoistic, cold-hearted person who refused to accept any kind of feelings… just so as not to be hurt again. Gojyo broke through that hard and well-organized surface, it took him an eternity to even make me say -thank you- to him… but it was worth it. It must have been worth it, otherwise he already would have left me a long time ago.

Two broken souls that complement one another and join together to act as one soul, unable to live without the other half…

Now I realized that I felt pretty cold without him; the scripture had given me back my strength but I still suffered from the cold. So I hurried to finish my cigarette to get back under the warm blankets. On tiptoes I walked back into our room and the very moment I wanted to lift the blankets to get under them he turned around and looked at me.

“Can’t you sleep, Sanzo?”

I was surprised.

“I needed a smoke.”

He was smiling, ”It felt pretty empty without you here…this bed is much too big for one person alone.”

“And I felt cold. I should have gone without my smoke… I woke you up with my stupid addiction, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind being woken by a beautiful demon like you…”

Hmh... Hopefully it was because his brain was still half asleep that he said such things.

Finally I managed to move and sneak under the blankets where I really appreciated the cosy heat.

“Demon you say…” I was searching for his hand to hold it but he gave me his whole body instead. With that invitation I moved closer to put my head against his chest. I loved to lie there like that; it gave me a feeling of security and he knew that.

I was sure that now I would be able to fall asleep.


---------------------------


It was still dark when I opened my eyes. We were still in the posture we had been in when I had fallen asleep.
I enjoyed being held like that and I hoped that the moment would last forever. Of course it didn’t and after some time Gojyo also woke up. I knew it because I could tell just from the sound of his breath whether he was still asleep or already awake.

He was stroking my shoulder, down to my hips as far as he was able to reach. Down, down... But Gods I hated it when I woke up with an erection that would cause everyone else to blush and make complaints in shame... but fortunately I wasn’t the only one fighting with that little problem; his hard cock was stabbing my belly and suddenly a shudder of disgust overcame me.

Sometimes it just happened that it made me sick thinking about … fucking other men or, well… more precisely, Gojyo. It made my stomach twist when I thought about … taking his… extremely big… quivering piece of flesh... into my mouth and…

I felt really sick now. I had to get up and get some distance between us, it seemed like he was crushing me with his presence. Quickly I turned around and got up before he could reach out and grab my arm. When I looked back he was leaning on his elbow, looking at me with a surprised and confused gaze. The sight of him sent a new wave of disgust through me and I hurried out of the room into my own with a distorted expression on my face.

How could he lie there like that, in such shameless disregard? How could I … fuck him without feeling so disgusted? I had to ban him from my thoughts for a while otherwise I would have been forced to try to vomit.

But why was I feeling this way? I knew that I adored him and that I wouldn’t let go of him if he attempted to leave me… I was confused about that rebellion of my body, I was totally confused.

I sat down on my bed and thought about what could have happened to make me feel so disgusted with him every time. At the moment I couldn’t even have thought about kissing him, every part of my body would have revolted against that... it was really weird. I didn’t know what I should do about that mood; I had to come out of my room and tell him that nothing was wrong, like always, just to avoid his stupid questions. Otherwise he would have come into my room to sit down near me and hold me. He was still naked so then I would have been forced to see… Nooo, I had to come out by myself.

Silence was the best method to silence him. Because then he was always trying hard to think of what he might have done wrong. So I tried to collect my thoughts and opened the door of my room.

There he was, standing there and staring at me with a worried look, all naked and… I felt the lump in my throat building up again. Gods, why couldn’t he have taken something to put on… his pants... or shorts… anything. Shit.

I ignored him and went to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Coffee always helped.

I could feel his gaze; he was staring at my back, maybe already thinking what he might have done wrong. He was always thinking that it was his fault, no matter what happened.

I concentrated on making the coffee and when the water was hot enough I poured it into my cup and after some contemplation, also into his. I didn’t want to give him the feeling of pure rejection... I loved him. With the two cups in my hands I came back to the table, put his at his place and sat down. After a moment he joined me, but he still didn’t give up staring at me like he wanted to ask me the silent question - what the hell was up with me this time?

I went to switch on the TV and sat down on the couch because I was sick of his glances at me. Damn half-breed… he got up and sat down near me, centimeters away from me… I had to concentrate on not flipping out. Now he would burst, I knew he couldn’t bear the silence. I could already hear him in my head, saying… “Sanzo? What’s wrong? Why did you... flee in such a hurry and, why... why do you ignore me now...”

I decided not to answer him, not to even look at him, just pretend to be interested in the film.

“Sanzo?”

I didn’t move. Idiot. It’s always the same.

“What’s your problem? Why... why did you leave me… all alone there and… and now... ignore me?”

He was always so direct, never bothering to cover his words and meanings.

-Fuck you.-

“Sanzo…”

I turned the TV up louder until it already hurt my ears…I didn’t want to hear his words, I was feeling angry because of him... I was sure that I would die of a heart attack if I kept on living with him.

“SANZO!!” He was shouting now, but still in a worried voice. ”Hey!!”

Now he even had the gall to put a hand on my thigh but I hated his touch now so I pushed it away... he didn’t understand it at all and he wouldn’t. I had to be a bit more direct.

“I FUCKING WANT TO WATCH TV, YOU IDIOT!”

He was stunned by that and stared at me with a dumb expression, which made me even angrier.

“And fucking don’t stare at me like this, that gaze may remain on your shitty face.”

I thought that by now he would have been offended enough to shut up... and I was right, he held his mouth closed and stared at the floor.

But hell, didn’t he feel cold?! -Now go and put on your pants, you idiot!!- I couldn’t stand the sight of him sitting there all naked next to me… And as a matter of fact, that disgusting thing always forced me to look at it because – just because it was there.

“NOW GO AND FETCH YOUR PANTS!!” Rage was making it difficult to speak, so now I tried hissing…”I can’t stand the sight of you anymore...”

“M…my pants? What?” he looked puzzled and didn’t move.

I was sick and could vomit any minute…I was fed up with him.

I reached out and smacked him hard and shouted, “GODDAMN DO WHAT YOU‘RE TOLD!!”

His head remained in the position the slap had sent it and his hand reached up to feel his hot hurting cheek; he couldn’t hold back the tears which were already flowing over it… He got up and with his head down he stumbled to his room… again he was blaming himself for my behaviour.

I was glad that he left the room, I didn’t know what kind of sick feelings were taking control over me but I couldn’t avoid them.

Gojyo… it made me shiver when I thought about the times we made love… I think I needed some time for myself. Surely that was all.

No. Wrong.

The scripture… Gods I had been an idiot... the scripture...

I bet it was its fault that I felt so disgusted with him. It wanted me to leave Gojyo. Was that possible? Could it really force me to feel sick when looking at him?

Oh well, never mind.

I bet he was crying in his room but I didn’t care. After all, I hadn’t told him to ask me what was up with me, I hadn’t told him to console me, he always did it without asking me and when I happened to be in the mood to need him I just accepted it without complaining. But this time I wasn’t in the mood to let him closer and he wasn’t able to realize that. It was like I used him for my happiness. He was available whenever I felt bad but he was the fool to let that happen, to allow himself to be used in such a way. He was ready to give everything in order to get back some love. I felt the lump again in my throat but this time because….

Because... yes…I felt a pain in the stomach and I swallowed hard.

Maybe he disgusted me sometimes, maybe because I still wasn’t fully used to fucking another man but… that wasn’t all that counted.

I didn’t just fuck him - I loved him, I liked him and... Shit, what had I done?

It wasn’t his fault; I was guilty of causing him to cry in his room. I was guilty of his sentiments again.

I didn’t even bother to think about what I should say; I got up and ran into his room, the door slamming open and almost cracking from the hard collision. And there he was, sitting on his bed and crying so shamelessly and loudly that I flinched in pain.

Fuck, now I remembered……….

Once, just once he had told me about his past… about his relationship with his... mother... He didn’t like speaking of her.

Whenever his mother was in a bad mood and he was unlucky enough to be around, she hit him to unleash her feelings. She scratched him and slapped him and beat him up until her fists were red from the blood.

Or when he was told to do something, but didn’t succeed in doing it according to her tastes, she did the same.

-Goddamn do what you’re told to…-

We were all victims of our past; the old wounds started to bleed at the slightest opportunity and the traumas held us tight… And I was reckless enough to choose those words to tell him how much I… how much... I don’t know what.

I jumped on the bed and normally I would have laughed about that if I could have seen myself. I spread my arms to embrace him tight. He jerked in surprise but then didn’t move, still sighing from crying. I tilted my head to whisper. At least I wanted to tell him something but I didn’t know anymore what I should tell him. So I gave it up and softly pushed my head against his, petting his shoulders to calm him down. I think that it was more the fact that he was forced to remember about his past then that I had offended him…it must have freaked him out to be reminded of his mother by me, shouting the same words that she did…

I wanted to destroy that silence so I decided to tell him about the reason why I was so angry at that moment.

“I… I was pretty angry because... ‘cause... well, it’s like this...”

He was really listening to me. No matter how much I hurt him, he always came back to me like a desperate child who didn’t have anybody else… so sad…

“Well, I…I was sick of you, let me explain…”

Shit, I couldn’t find the right words. It must have sounded terrible. -I was sick of you-, yes, how good to cheer him up, fantastic. I cursed myself.

“I…it seems like I... that I still have problems with... um… you know... with... men…” Now I had gotten it, “It’s like some time ago when they still really freaked me out…I can’t do anything about that feeling, just the sight of your cock made me...sick, and I can’t do anything about it.”

That was a... pretty dry explanation.

“I’m so sick, I know…and you always think that it’s your fault…but I’m the guilty idiot here. It’s always my fault.”

I wasn’t allowed to get depressed now; I still had to console him…

“I felt disgusted when I looked at you but... maybe this was because I felt disgusted with myself and of what I had become.”

I swallowed and I wasn’t able to say one more single word.

“But I...” I was trying to smile and my voice was shivering, "I really like what I have become, honestly. Maybe you won’t believe me but… I should shut up now... it’s useless…”

I had reached my limits; I couldn’t talk anymore, like I had forgotten how.

He didn’t believe me. He didn’t move nor did he say something. I was bad at talking.

Suddenly he pushed my hands away and let me sit there on his bed while he got up. He turned around, sat down again and hugged me. Gojyo, consoling me... I felt so bad about it; I should have consoled him, not him me… again...as always. No, this was wrong.

“Gojyo, I… I’m the one who should... console you.” I tried.

“Later.”

Every time I got angry with him I forgot how good he was to me, how good-natured he was. I could come to him in every situation, he was right. I had to concentrate on not moving my eyes too much because tears were already filling my sight.

“I don’t care about your feelings when you look at me. I don’t care about it as long as you are content with it.”

Noo…no... not that again…

“Of course it matters! You always forgive me whatever shit I do to you, you always come back to me, consoling ME when I treat you like shit... that’s not right... it’s not supposed to be like this.”

“I’m never angry with you, there is no reason to console me.”

He could be so selfless that he would die for others… no - for me. So there we were, an egotist and one who forgets about himself while helping others… it was a relation that was determined to have a bad end. If I learnt to forget a bit about myself and if he learnt to care a bit less about others, we would be a perfect match. But how should I tell him…

It’s now or never.

“Gojyo…listen... I know that I’m an egoistic asshole and you know that you’re the selfless asshole here, so… if we both learn toooo…to control those sides of ourselves a bit more, just a bit, then…we would both be happier. I think…maybe...”

What was up with me?! I wasn’t even able to form a sentence anymore, not to mention trying to put what I meant into words.

“But I don’t mind being that kind of person. I feel happy when I’m able to help you.”

“But you suffer from my behaviour… I offended you, didn’t I... it’s my fault. I have to learn how to... live with people. It’s me who’s poisoning this relationship.”

-Don’t show him that you’re sad…don’t...or he will take you into his arms again... Don‘t...-

Fuck.

He must have seen it in my eyes. I felt so dirty now, and I had sworn to consider his feelings, no matter what I might do in the future.

But there was still something I wanted to get straight here…

“About what I said before…”

“I understand.”

“What?”

How could he have understood that nonsense I was telling him? He could have misunderstood it, yes.

“I never had any problems living with men. It didn’t bother me when I had to care for Hakkai, I don’t felt threatened or anything like that.”

“But how could you…”

He was covering my mouth with his hand. “Now let me talk.”

“I didn’t feel threatened by his presence, it didn’t bother me but I can understand…” He removed his hand.
“I can understand if you feel scared about it. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it but it would have been a lot easier if you had told me the moment you fled from the room, that you... I don’t know… maybe felt scared or embarrassed. But you left me without one single word and I had absolutely no clue what happened to cause that.”

Right. Selfish bastard, I always caused nothing but pain with my attitude.

“’Kay…I’m sorry.”

It was idiotic from me to leave him without any explanation, I should have thought about that.

He was smiling. “You look so sweet when you’re pouting…” He squeezed my cheek and I closed one eye, trying to get away from that.

“You know what I need now?” He asked me sheepishly.

I didn’t have the faintest clue what he was on about. “No?”

He smirked. “Erm... first... my pants. Then …something nice from you.”

“No… don’t fetch your pants.” It wasn’t necessary anymore. I had already gotten over that silly mood.

“Are you sure? It’s really no problem.”

I was laughing now. “We sound like an old couple, quarrelling about ridiculous things.”

He grabbed my shoulders and tried to look serious; shit but that amused me even more.

“Old Sanzo, wise and survived many winters.”

I couldn’t help but burst out in laughter, he was smiling in anticipation.

“Hey! Old Sanzo, survived many winters and so on… would you be pleased with drinking another hot cup of coffee-heeee with me?”

I couldn’t answer him; I was so busy trying to keep breathing through the laughter that it was already hurting.

“Old Gojyo... damn… “ I couldn’t stop from chuckling. ”Old Gojyo, strong and... survived many summers… Old Sanzo, survived many winters and so on says”yessss” to a hot cup of coffee-hee. If you...”

He sighed. “Old Gojyo, survived many summers, says “yes”.”

So I got a second cup of hot coffee-hee today. From Old Gojyo, survived many summers.

And together we survived the years…


----------------------

We spent the day watching TV, not caring about when Hakkai would arrive home, because we knew that he was staying away on purpose so as not do disturb us.

But it was weird, in the evening I still felt cold. I curled up under the blankets but Gojyo knew what to do. He moved me closer to him so that my back was touching his chest and belly. That night I was tired enough to fall asleep without any problems.

The next day began like any other day… fucking getting up, drinking coffee-hee… from Old Gojyo - survived many summers - and then watching TV… I liked those relaxed days pretty much because I had never had the chance to live my life like that.

In the evening the cold was creeping up my body again and I was shivering on the couch, so I go up to go to bed. Gojyo followed me. I lay down and he did the same. But I couldn’t sleep.

“Sanzo...” I felt him whispering in my ear, touching me with his hands on my lower spine, which forced me to rock forward by reflex.

“Haahhh…” I couldn’t suppress it.

“How about sex...?”

Jolly good idea.

“YESS.”

“I knew you would say yes to that.”

He traced my spine down until he felt the cheeks of my ass begin and there he stopped. “Let me guess… Bottom.”

He knew me better than I knew myself; it was fascinating. After some thinking I also would have told him that I wanted to be Bottom. It was embarrassing for me to tell him that I was in the mood to submit to him and he was so kind as to let me keep silent about my moods.

I felt the mattress dip because he turned to the side to search for something in the drawer of the night chest. Whatever he had found, he laid it on the table and I forced myself not to look at it.

After a few moments he moved again and I didn’t even notice that he had already taken my hands and firmly held them together above my head…I couldn’t break free and was at his mercy.

He started to trace my spine down again but his fingers felt…different…

“Gojyo... what... what’s with your hand...?”

“Rubber gloves”

I couldn’t remember having ever needed them for anything before… “What for?”

“Surprise.” He told me.

Well then... let it be a surprise.

He paused for a moment and let go of my hands, but I kept them there because I knew that he would want to hold them again. I heard some noises and I think…no, I couldn’t think of anything. I couldn’t identify them. He grabbed my hands again and without any warning shoved a finger inside my ass but I was quite used to that so it didn’t bother me at all.

While he was nibbling on my ear, teasing me by biting harder down on it, he pushed a second finger through the ring and scissored them to stretch my hole. By doing that he was touching my sweet spot and I rocked forward again, gasping.

He noticed my excitement and whispered, “You should be aware…that was just the beginning.”

“What…did you plan for tonight then?”

I was curious about what he might have planned on doing with me but I knew that it was different from the other times because now he had already shoved in a third finger. I moaned long and loud when he pressed his three fingers against that spot and I didn’t feel cold anymore. But...

“Three fingers...? What the fuck…”

It was an unpleasant feeling.

“Sanzo... this is important. You have to tell me when you don’t feel comfortable, or when it starts to hurt. Of course, also tell me if you don’t like it. But the very second you feel real pain, please tell me. Okay?”

I gasped. ”Yes, I will.”

What the fuck was he up to... I was used to a lot of pain but now I wasn’t allowed to feel it? Let’s see...

Now he forcefully pushed his fourth finger through the ring and I shifted to “adjust“.

“Four? Gojyo...” I was already hot from the pleasure he caused but he didn’t seem to be in the mood to stop right now.

He shoved the fifth finger into my ass and I was mad from the thrills he sent up my back…nearly as intensive as the scripture was able to create.

“Sanzo... are you alright?”

“Yes, no problem.”

“Good. Then I will start now.”

-What?? Start with what?-

“Gojyo, what’s that supposed to mean...?”

“Watch out now...”

Carefully and very slowly he started to push his hand further in and I was so shocked and paralysed by the feeling that I wasn’t able to say anything, so I just held my breath.

“Sanzo... this will need some time, it’s normal if you do that the first time. Shall I draw back a bit? Sanzo?”

It was hard for me to speak, I couldn’t breathe properly.

He must have gotten worried because of my silence so he drew his hand out a bit.

“Gojyo…” I panted out, ”Yes, stop for... a moment, will you.”

“Well, I think now you know what I want to do with you this time… it’s much easier for you to bear it when you try to breathe in a different way. And try to relax. If you need help, just tell me, please.”

“Yes.”

It felt so weird that I couldn’t really describe it... it felt like somebody shoved a tree up my ass. Strange... And it drew the breath from me, my lungs contracted and I was unable to fill them with air, it seemed like my whole body would end in a cramp.

“Is it normal that…I feel like every time I take a breath my stomach will implode? It’s really unfamiliar... sorry, but I think I’ll need more time for this than…you had planned for it.”

“Don’t worry, Sanzo... I’ll give you as much time as you need... and yes, that feeling is quite normal.”

How could he know about that…had he already done this with somebody? I felt jealous but it was ridiculous to feel that way just because of an assumption. It’s quite normal, he said… What, had he already been fisted as well? Mmmh... just the image of Gojyo being fingered by his brother made me twitch. But pain made me conscious of my current situation again. I wasn’t sure whether I could bear this but I was also curious about the end of that game.

“Now... forth a bit.”

I felt him pushing forward again, but now it wasn’t as uncomfortable as the last time. He continued, and after I guess what must have been millimeters, he stopped again.

“Sanzo, how are you?”

“Alright... it’s alright with some breaks.”

“Yes, we need them anyway.”

He let a large amount of lube drop down on the glove and rubbed it against my skin.

Then he let go of my arms and caressed my face with his other hand. I turned around to kiss him and he bent his head to respond. In the meantime he slowly continued to push his hand through the ring, which was oddly stretched, and stopped again after some seconds.

I broke the kiss because every part of my body rebelled against the intrusion. My stomach hurt and I got short of air but my biggest concern was the pain I felt…

“Gojyo... it’s...” I couldn’t but curl up into a ball, my muscles wouldn’t relax, ”painful...”

He bent over my body to look at me. “You have to relax more, Sanzo!”

“Fuck you, I can’t!! I’m sick.”

“Shall I stop now?”

No, I didn’t want to spoil his pleasure... moreover this was the first lesson I got in being less egoistic.

“No... go ahead...do as you please…”

He was worried about me and he wanted me to enjoy it as much as he was enjoying it. He licked along my shoulder until he reached my collarbone, where he started to kiss me. I felt light-headed but also wild.

“Now, do it.”

Without any comment he shoved in the rest of his hand so that my ass fully covered his fingers and palm up to the joint. My lungs were burning from exertion; I was sweating and heavily panting. Another cramp of my stomach and then it felt... felt like something at least.

Gojyo purred into my ear. “Sanzo…how does it feel?”

“Let me think… It feels so unreal. Apart from the fact that my lungs keep clenching like mad and that I can’t feel my ass anymore from it being stretched that much and that I’m wondering that I’m even able to speak the words at all… nice.”

He looked into my eyes, full of concern. “Is it that bad? Shall I...”

“No! Just give me a moment to adjust to this... feeling... it feels like nothing else I have ever experienced until now. But it feels good, in a strange way.”

Gojyo tilted his head to send his breath against my shoulder and in addition to the thrills my stretched hole gave me, it was quite comfortable. I even began to love it because the pain I felt turned into agreeable pain... it was wonderful. It emptied my head and enabled me to think of nothing, it helped me to concentrate on that deep pleasure and I attempted to moan. When he started to move his hand in a steady but very careful rhythm I was in sheer ecstasy; it felt so unbelievably good to be fist fucked. I couldn’t believe it... it was like a drug.

“Gojyo…more!”

He looked at me in surprise and showed me a smirk. “You twisted masochist… I can’t believe that you’re so keen on this kind of pleasure. It must hurt a lot though, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, but it’s a warm and very agreeable pain... just to my liking.” I smiled at him. ”Honestly, I’m really glad you decided to do this with me.”

I still had difficulties with breathing but that was negligible now. I could see his happiness and relief when I told him that I enjoyed it.

“That’s…wonderful that you like it. It’s... you know... it’s so amazing watching my hand glide into your ass.” He repeated the move and I jerked... he was already overstraining my sweet spot and if he didn’t stop soon I would come.

“Gojyo…just to let you know...” I had to pause to suck in some breath. “I’m... gonna come if you...continue to do that...”

“That’s what I want.”

He started to tease me again, biting me on my arm, shoulder and neck, but pretty hard so that I could feel blood seeping from the wounded spots … and Gods, that turned me on even more. The harder he bit down on my skin the more I felt the pleasure flowing through my body. Finally he turned my head to the side to kiss me and he sucked on my lip until I felt it burst, blood trickling from it into his mouth. A light squeeze of the tip of my throbbing cock was all it took and I cried out loud in my orgasm. It was unbelievable...

He didn’t stop pumping my ass and I was blinded with pleasure, seeing white clouds, thinking only one word - Gojyo - and shouting his name and crying until I was hoarse…

When I felt my cock go limp again I tried to relax but it wasn’t that easy. The tension was twice as strong because of the spasms of my orgasm and the reflex to tense up, which was caused by my over-stretched hole. I couldn’t manage to relax again without any help.

Gojyo was panting heavily behind me, he must have also come…

Pervert.

“Talking… about me… being the sick... person here...”

He looked up and frowned at me. “What?” It was difficult for him to speak.

“Coming from…the sight of my ass... You’re so sick.”

He smiled at me in an embarrassed way. “You’re right…it was... like that.”

He petted my cheek with his hand full of semen and he smeared it all over my face. I opened my mouth to take his hand in and clean it from the white fluid.

When he felt strong enough to move again he buried his face in my hair. “Sanzo…are you ready? I’ll try to pull it out now.”

Considering my situation, this moment was as good as any other.

”Let’s give it a try.”

“Shall I do it quickly or slowly?”

I had to smile at that question; he really wanted me to decide for him in order not to be guilty of any pain I would feel... that I was sure to feel.

“Scared that it’ll be your fault when it hurts too much? Quickly.”

“I’ll count up to 3. Soo…1... 2...”

I was preparing myself for a wave of pain... tensing up again...

“Sanzo, relax! It will hurt even more if you tense up like that!”

“Yeah, just shut up and bring it to an end.”

He sighed. “2... 3!”

With a jerk he pulled out and it was like I had expected it to be: painful and even more painful, I couldn’t help but scream and my body tensed up again. But now I felt a real bad pain and I was so sick that it was hard not to open my mouth and throw up whatever might had been in my stomach. Likely coffee. But now... it felt weird…

“Sanzo…are you o.k.?” He bent over me to look at my face, which was contorted with pain. He petted my cheek and softly encouraged me to give up that tension by stroking my lower back and kissing my neck.

Finally I was able to relax and now I felt absolutely tired…I felt so spent that I couldn’t even raise a hand; it was good that we were already lying in bed. I heard him throwing the glove on the floor and felt him wrap his arms around me…everything felt so wonderful now after that frenzy of ecstasy…. I was completely happy and too tired to say a word.

“I hope you liked it, Sanzo.”

“Mmh.”

“It was marvellous to hear you screaming my name in such desperation and arousal…that was what made me cum.”

“Hmh, fine.” I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep in his arms as soon as possible. He understood and let me drift off into the land of oblivion. I didn’t dream anything that night.


----------------------


The next morning when I woke up I felt my whole body ache with a stinging headache and burning pain in my ass.
Gojyo was already awake and looking at me; we were laying vis-à-vis, staring into each other’s eyes.

He looked so content and happy but I closed my eyes from the pain I was feeling. “What’s the matter? Does it hurt?”

“Does it hu-urt? My whole body is one piece of pain, fuck you. By the way... how long will this... gross feeling remain, in my groin and ass and... How long will it take until... that feeling of… well, you know...”

“Normally it lasts for about 1 to 2 days…but tell me if I can do anything for you, Sanzo.”

He regretted doing that with me; I could feel it. And there it was...

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Nothing to worry about. I liked it very much. But...” I smirked at him. “How do you know how long it’ll take for the pain to vanish and how to breathe properly and all that?”

His gaze didn’t change; he was looking at me, maybe thinking how he could get out of this in a pleasant way.
I had plenty of time; I wouldn’t do anything today except take a cup of coffee into my hand.

“So?”

He cleared his throat. “Well…”

“Yeah? Well?”

“Well... because.” He smiled at me and I had to shake my head to show him my annoyance with that answer.

“So you don’t want to tell me, Sha Gojyo?”

I knew that he would feel uncomfortable because of the way I was talking to him. But now it was my turn to have some fun, fuck the egoism.

“It’s a veery nice image you know... you two... lying on the floor... sweating and panting and...”

“Who’s you TWO!?” He seemed pretty upset.

“So you don’t deny it? Oh... it’s not -you two-? So it’s just –you-? It starts getting better and better. Must have been one hell of a party shoving your own fist up your ass.”

“Sanzooo…”

I knew that he felt embarrassed when I was talking like that. But he wouldn’t tell me, I was sure about it.
So I grabbed his hands, wrapped them around myself and he smiled at me, happy about the Gods knew what and I just enjoyed the feeling of being with him.

Sometimes it was good to have someone who understood me, who cared about me and about whom I knew that he appreciated my company.

“You were right…it was just –you-.“

To be needed, to be loved…

It gives one’s life meaning. Without such an angel I would have committed suicide a long time ago, the world meant nothing to me. Neither good food nor good films…even smoking or drinking meant nothing to me when it came to the sense of life.

I just smoked because it calmed my nerves and I just drank to enjoy the feeling of getting depressed. When I was so depressed that I could sit on the windowsill for days and nights without moving I felt alive. Pain was forcing me to notice that I was still alive.

I once had tried to slash my wrists but that had had a terrible end... someone had found me in a lake of blood, still stupidly alive, my body simply didn’t give up…

I don’t know who it was who saved me but when I woke up I found myself in the room which Komyou once had given me when he had still been alive. Maybe one of the monks had found and recognized me… I cursed them all for existing. I was able to escape thievishly in silence and I never visited them again.

Anyway, that was why I was always wearing the arm warmers. I didn’t want to be reminded of that bad day every time I caught a glimpse of my wrists. Maybe Gojyo had the same problem. From then until I met him I was just living somehow, but you couldn’t really call that living. I was forcing myself to survive until the next day and when it was time to sleep I always begged the Gods to let me die in my sleep, to never let me wake up again.

But they were cruel.

They let me wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning, tired and sick. Every morning, when I opened my eyes to see the stupid sun appear on the horizon, I cursed the Gods that I was still able to breath. Life had been such a torture.

But I didn’t care anymore…I was too callous to try to kill myself again and I was too desperate to keep on living. Everything looked the same to me; trees were trees and people were people. There wasn’t any difference between them.

In those days I was checking out one pub after the other; every evening ended in total drunkenness and I was too indifferent to search for a hotel, I simply lay down somewhere in a dark street and was glad when I managed to fall asleep. Sometimes I would lie there for hours after morning and sometimes I would lie there for days, sick of life and too unmotivated to get up.

It was on a day like that when he had found me. We knew each other from the Cho Gonou case… Some days after that incident I had escaped from the monastery without telling anybody about where I was going... they had completely lost track of me. Served them right.

It was still dark but there were still people around in that town even at 4 a.m. It was one of the villages that never slept. I liked those kinds of places because there was always life around you, you never felt alone. I was lying there in a heap of leaves (it was autumn) and I didn’t look up to see which stranger was crossing my way this time; it didn’t matter to me.

The person stopped in front of me, staring down at me… I didn’t care at all. I was too tired; I hadn’t found any sleep that night. After some seconds he sat down, which really surprised me. Let him do whatever he wanted to, I didn’t give a shit. He was staring at me and it was too dark to make out his face in the night; I was lying in the shadows of the alley and the moon was covered with clouds. I wasn’t scared of him because I had my gun and the scripture and these would be more than enough to kill a human being.

With a low and sad voice he began to talk. “Don’t you feel cold and lonely there…”

And I jerked in surprise; I knew that voice…

He attempted to touch my face, which was half buried in the leaves, but I vigorously pushed his hand away. I wouldn’t let him hurt my pride that easily.

He was looking at me, obviously thinking about something. I decided that I had seen enough of him for another 3 years so I turned around and showed him my back.

There wasn’t any sound except the noises coming from the village, from the people and the pubs, you could hear the music they were playing in every establishment, it was a mix of shrill and gay sounds…

“C’mon, I’ll pay for a round.”

I heard him getting up and moving.

Damn it, I was bored with lying around there, I hadn’t left that place now for two days. I got up and attempted to follow him but the first step reminded me that I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for days and it made the world spin dangerously. I wavered but he helped me, putting an arm around my shoulders and pulling me out from the dark into the light of the street, towards a bar.

There we got a seat in a corner and he ordered us two drinks, I can’t remember the names of them. I was glad of being able to lean on the table and didn’t mind him looking at me. It was still too dark there to see his features.
He reached out and grabbed my hand with his, and then he forced me to move closer with my chair… I let it happen because I didn’t care. When we finally sat side by side I let my head drop down on his shoulder.

Then the waiter came to give us our drinks and he asked him whether I was all right.

“He’s just tired, don’t worry about him.” He smiled at him and the man was content with that answer and went away.

The atmosphere in that restaurant made me sick and stole my oxygen; my brain went numb. This all must have been a dream...

“You know…I have been feeling lonely all my life.”

With his smooth fingers he touched my lips, softly and carefully.

“What a surprise… me too.”

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