Little Angels and Devils

A/N: Heh heh, thank you to those that reviewed the first chapter. And to those that are just tuning in welcome! This is a series of oneshots where we witness the strange interactions between some of the character's shoulder angels. As we can see Anderson has some pretty crappy ones (which probably explains alot) some of them may contain the basis of crude, sexual, and or violent humor that may not be appropiate for younger or sensitive pansy people...or yeah and some adult language too.

But its all in good crazy OOC crackfic fun! I might even add some crack pairings in the mix depending on my mood...MWHAHHAHAHA!

Enjoy!

In this week's chapter we deal with Alucard little shoulder angels...GASP! Yes he has some too...WATCH! They are going to help him survive a one-night stand with someone you will least expect! Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuunnnnnnn!

Disclaimers: I don't own Hellsing or its characters (and I think Alucard, Anderson, and Hans thank God every night for it...but you just wait...THEY WILL BE MINE...heh heh)

Its was a nice evening (which would be morning to vampires) after defeating Anderson and humilating him once again, he got drunk on a bunch of alchoholic mens' blood and the rest of the night became nothing more than a blur however all he remembered was picking up some chick and taking her back to Hellsing. Since Integra was out traveling abroad with Walter and Seras was out with Pip at a fancy bed and breakfast, he figured how much fun it would if he and his little lady friend had some fun under the bedsheets of his master's bed. And they certainly did. All that flashed through his head was how kinky they acted as well as get into Integra's personal belongings and either broke them or damaged them in some other way that could never get them repaired again even by the most expert of fixers. But even those memories were vague pieces of a puzzle he was too buzzed to put back together again.

The sound of birds from the rose garden was the first thing that hit his ears, instead of a soothing euthoria in his mind like it would most people (normal ones that is) it slammed into his sore aching head like a sledgehammer of God. Hangovers were the only thing he didn't miss upon being human that and nausea you get when what you just had or drank for that matter last night starts coming up. When Alucard slowly opened his eyes he found himself entirely naked in Integra's bedroom with his clothes strewened in one half of the room, and a heavy black dress, camosille, and panties strewned on the other half of the room.

But not just any room he suddenly realized

It was his master's room!

"What the hell happened last night," he mumbled through the pillow,"I haven't got this wasted since we celebrated after the end of WW2."

Just then he heard the soft sleepy moan of a woman beside him, his mind panicked thinking that he had done it with Integra or a street corner prostitute, but when he looked over he saw a beautiful oriental-looking woman with long wavy ebony hair roll over to his side of the bed giving Alucard a clear view of her face. He rubbed his eyes and focused on the main features of her body as it gave off a faint but alarming sense of familiarity of this woman. He had meet her somewhere but where?

He looked around carefully seeing if anything would tip him off. On the knocked over beside stand when they were at thier most kinkiest last night rested a pair of small glasses, now who does he know that wears glasses and is a woman. He looked over at the girl sleeping beside him (breathing a sigh of relief when he realized that she was not underage) then looked over at the glasses, after a while he looked back over at the girl. And then the glasses. Next the girl. Then the glasses...

Girl...

Glasses...

Girl...

Glasses...

Interesting sword...

Glasses...

Girl...

SWORD!!!?!!?!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed,"Yumie! I mean...Yumiko...Yumi...iko...OH HOLY SHIT!"

The only sound that answered him was a soft cute little snore coming from the Japanese woman laying beside him. The vampire suddenly saw a tiny poof of smoke appear before him and was face-to-face with his tiny chibi self with white wings and a halo. He screeched and pulled the covers up to hide his man boobies.

"W-Who are you?" he asked getting more freaked out than he previously was before.

"I am your good conscience," said AluAngel,"now that you have a hangover I can easily manipu-I mean...talk to you better."

"Aren't I suppose to have a bad conscience as well," the vampire asked as he got himself out of bed and serched for his clothes,"where is he?"

"Silly, you don't have a bad conscience, you are a total nightmare all by yourself."

"Yay." came a half-hearted reply from Alucard as he started to pull on his pants.

Just then the sound of a car pulled into the driveway followed by the metal squeal of the gates.

"Oh crap," fretted Alucard,"Integra is home, she is going to kill me, and I am talking as a figure of speech I mean literally prevent me from coming back from the dead, what do I do?"

"Well, I think you should-HEY!" he squeaked as he was being brushed aside by a hurrying Alucard.

Alucard grabbed Yumie's habit and ran over to her side of the bed. He poked her constantly until she emerged streching her arms like she had the best nap in creation. She looks over and sees the face of the No Life King, but with a added surprise she says: "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"Oh yeah," shifty eyes,"baby...that was great...but you have to leave now."

"What, why?"

"Because uh..."

AluAngel appeared beside his right shoulder,"Tell her the truth..."

"Ummm...you...because...I have to leave for a mission!"

"But...its only six o'clock...maybe I can help you..."

"AHHHH!" His heart beat faster as soon as the door sounded,"NO NO NO! UH...They are probably expecting you! Please...go...NOW!"

"Alucard," she whispered, her voice becoming how and sinister,"is there something you are not telling me?"

He could hear the sound of Integra's footsteps coming up the stairs.

"No, seriously, you have to leave because I have a mission to do," blood sweated profusely from his forehead,"and uh, uh, uh, y-you have to get back to Italy, I am sure that they are probably wondering where you are by now..."

"Alucard listen to me," said the AluAngel,"you shouldn't lie to her just tell her that you two got drunk and slept in Sir Integra's bedchamber last night-"

"WE WHAT!?!??!"

"...and that Sir Integra is coming, she is going to find out anyway.."

"I THOUGHT THIS IS SOME CLASSY HOTEL ROOM!?"

Alucard grabbed his AluAngel and shook him like a baby,"Damn you little guy why do I need something like you in the first place I am the great Alucard I can sleep with any bitch I want without knowing the consequences, get out of here-GET! SHOO!"

With his mighty arms Alucard threw AluAngel across the room where he slammed into the wall and slide down to the floor with a dazed look on his face. When he came to he saw Yumiko's good conscience with her glasses along with a halo and wings while the bad conscience looked more like Yumie (no glasses) with red horns and a spikey tail. Yumiko comes over and helps AluAngel up to his feet. They appeared to be under a bed since the wall that Alucard threw his good conscience at was behind the four poster bed.

"Where did you guys come from?" he asked them.

"Oh us," replied Yumiko,"we got knocked off after our host gave your host a lap dance last night, we tried to reach her but she wouldn't listen to us, she was too drunk."

"Yeah, mine just thinks he is 'hot-stuff' to even listen to me," scoffed AluAngel,"pffft, vampires, go figure."

"Enough talk," screamed Yumi,"I am bored, lets have a orgy!"

"Ah great," sighed Yumiko fluttering her tiny white wings in annoyance,"here she goes again!"

"Take off your pants!"

"No!"

"I am going to take them off for you!" screamed the evil Yumi as she chased AluAngel around the bottom of the bed.

Meanwhile the real Alucard and Yumi were staring down each other, one holding a the other at bladepoint with her sword, while the other, a bit regrettable that he left his guns downstairs in the kitchen was backing away slowly wearing only his pants and red overcoat. His hands came up defensively.

"Look Yumi," he tried to explain,"its not what you think...I was...I was...I swear I didn't know this was Integra's room, I swear to every god ever made that I am not trying to get you to betray Iscariot. Now she is coming up the stairs can you please get dressed and leave now!"

"Betray," she screamed,"this isn't about tricking me into betraying Iscariot, who do you think you are-giving me the best sex of my life and then telling me to leave just like that!? Is that all I get a 'Wam Bam Thank you Ma'am' how insulting, no one walks out on Yumi, and I mean no one!"

"Look I-!"

The moment Sir Integra walked up to her bedroom door to get changed she heard the sounds of blood splashing against the walls and a mix of a man's screams of pain followed by a angery woman's hellish shrieks. She took her gun from underneath her suit and put the safety off ready to protect herself against anything that she might encounter. After a minute or so the noise died down and she carefully opened the door. Inside her room it looked like nothing short than a slaughter house. Blood painted the ceilings and walls as she looked down and saw body chunks of a man with dark-hair and red eyes scattered amongst the floor. Blood fell like raindrops over her head and she looked to see a cryptic message written in Alucard's blood:

EITHER CALL ME TONIGHT OR DIE YOU FILTHY HARLOT OF HELLSING AND IF YOU DON'T I WILL SEND THE POPE IN TO RAPE YOU AND MAKE YOU DRINK IT LIKE THE PITIFUL CUNT THAT YOU ARE!!! SIGNED YUMIKO

Like the Iron Maiden that she was. She did not scream in fear or panic like other women would upon seeing words written in blood on thier ceiling. Instead she walked over to her dressor table taking off her earrings and picked up Alucard's decapitated head. Letting out a sigh she walked over to the bed smelling of blood and sex, being careful not to get some on her as she sat down on the far corner of the four poster bed.

"I leave you alone for one day," she lectured solemnly,"and this is what happens?"

"I was...I was drunk." said the vampire's head.

"I am afraid that I have no choice but to make you call her tonight for another date," sighed Integra,"because I sure as hell don't want the Pope coming over here...now if you excuse me I have to send Walter to clean up this mess."

She threw Alucard's head aside carelessly and walked back downstairs to fetch her butler. Just as she was out the door she stopped suddenly feeling her shoe land on something soft and squishy. She lifted up her shoe and saw a small flat red and black mark.

"Ewww," she grimaced as she scrapped it off and walked away,"I stepped on a bug."

Behind her, a flattened Alucard Angel and Yumi Devil were laying there dazed and disoriented from getting stepped on.

TBC

I hope you enjoy it. Yeah, I get the feeling that Alucard isn't really a commitment type of guy, and also I always like the idea of a AlucardxYumie/Yumiko pairing that is why I did this. Who else do you want to see get in trouble with thier good and bad shoulder angels? Let me know. And happy writings!


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