S.O.S

Title: S.O.S

Pairing: Matt X Mello

Rating: NC- 17

Warnings: Severe Violence, Rape, but most important Unrequited Love

Summary: Now that Matt has rescued Mello, his patients are pushed to the limit when trying to deal with Mello’s new over reactive personality.

Chapter Number: #2

Author Note: This chapter has a lot of Mello being his new Mello self mixed with his old self. He shies away from everything, but still talks as tough as he used to. There’s also a bit of strain on Mello and Matt’s relationship when Mello decides that the couch is his new ‘spot’ and won’t let Matt even touch it.

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Since the moment he had arrived back at the apartment after an entire month in the hospital, he had started turning back into his old self. Well, at least in some aspects. He continued barking orders at Matt while he sat on the couch and still found immense pleasure in eating his bars of chocolate.

The hospital visit had lasted a lot longer than he and Matt had hoped. The broken ribs had managed to stab into Mello’s stomach causing an open bleeding wound. Mello also refused to eat any of the food the hospital supplied claiming he wanted Matt to bring him food. And the only food he wanted was chocolate, a treat the doctors didn’t want him to have. It took a long week for Mello and Matt to come up with an excuse as to how Mello ended up in such poor condition. They agreed on the idea that Mello had been in an abusive relationship with another man. In a way it was true and Mello also played the part of the abused lover by refusing to tell the name of his attacker and even forced himself into saying that what had happened to him was his own fault. His act fooled the doctors.

Mello pretended to be his old self, but he was aware that he wasn’t fooling anyone. Before if Matt played his games too much and Mello wanted attention, he’d yell or take the game away and break it. Now, he’d yell once, (no result but only because Matt was trying to pretend that nothing was amiss), wait a half hour, yell once again, wait another half hour, simply take them game (which matt would reflexively yell at him for) before dropping it on the floor and curling up in his spot on the couch, afraid to be hit. To Matt it was depressing, to Mello, it was degrading but he could not stop the flinches and strong fear that caused him to react the way that he did.

“Hey Matt?” Mello said from his place on the couch, curled up, his head in the corner formed by the arm and the back of the couch, his back to the room.

“Yeah?” Matt didn’t even look up from his game.

“Bring me some chocolate,” a short pause. “Please?” That was one of the things keeping him from returning to his old self. Before he’d just harass Matt to get him what he wanted. Never would he say please unless Matt strongly, strongly, refused to have sex.

“No Mello, get it yourself.” The words were forced. Matt didn’t want to refuse what Mello asked, but he wasn’t too fond of the idea of Mello lying on the couch for all eternity.

“Okay.” Mello slowly sat up and sighed. He glanced at Matt, and then at the refrigerator across the room where his chocolate was being held. Slowly he stood up with the stiffness of an old man. He winced slightly, his joints stiff from lack of movement. He went to the cold box and opened it slowly and snatched out a bar of chocolate before quickly returning to the couch where he sat. It was one of the rare moments in time where he didn’t curl up and try to be invisible.

“Hey, you wanna go out?” Matt asked, turning off his game. Mello stared at Matt as if he had turned into a giant rat.

“No,” he said bluntly. But that was typical. Mello hadn’t gone out since they day he’d arrived home. The farthest Matt ever got him was halfway down the road where he’d finally let go of Mello’s hand. At that time Mello would turn and sprint back to the house the second he got the chance.

“Aw, come on, Mello.” Matt sat the game down on the floor and stood up, stretching his arms above his head.

“If you want to go out, go out. I’ll stay here.” Mello looked away from Matt and focused on the floor. His statement was pointless. Matt knew that when he left the house and Mello was alone, he’d either get repetitive calls from the blonde, or be stuck on the phone with him the whole time because he didn’t want to be alone. And once he hadn’t taken his phone out and when he returned home the place was ransacked and Mello had somehow managed to get a knife that had been in the sink lodged through the flesh of his leg like a straight pin through fabric. It wasn’t hard to find him in the mess of an apartment. He followed the trail of blood to the thankfully empty closet Mello was hiding in. His excuse, the man had come back for him and chased him through the house. The truth was, Mello was trying to find a place where no one could see him from any direction, not from a window from the doorway, or from a camera. The dark closet was the only place covering him in shadow, even if his pale skin gave him away the instant the door was opened. (His wound was mild and remarkably clean. He only needed eight stitches, which were still in his leg.)

“No, Mello. Come on. Let’s go out to eat.” Matt sat next to Mello on the couch and watched as Mello’s arm twitched slightly. He always flinched if Matt got within three feet of him.

“Why go out to eat? We have food in the fridge.” Mello stared at the floor and munched on his chocolate bar. He didn’t even eat them the way he used to.

“Mello! We’re going out, okay!” Matt stood up and glared at the blonde who trembled slightly, his eyes widen and frightened, just as they had been the day Matt saved him. It was the only way to get through to him now. He had to yell, there was no other option.

“Please don’t yell,” Mello said, finishing off his bar of chocolate. “Wh-where do you want to go?” Matt sighed and ran his fingers through Mello’s hair. Mello smiled very slightly, almost microscopically so. Even that small of a smile, was forced.

“What do you want? Fast food or dining?” Mello shrugged. “We’ll try fast food, people don’t judge you there.” Mello nodded. All the answers he gave were like that, just incase something went wrong he could say he never or agreed or never refused.

So they headed out, Mello did his usual the instant they stepped outside. Every man that he saw or walked past them, he would try to hide behind Matt or stick as close to him as possible. He was afraid of everyone. At one point he tried to run back for the house and Matt made the mistake of grabbing onto him by the wrist and pulling him back a little too harshly. His reaction was Mello yelling as loud as he could attracting attention from several people including a police officer who thought Mello was a woman about to be raped. Completely terrified to speak Mello explained that he had a sore wrist and wasn’t thinking when he yelled. The cop kept a close watch on them as they continued walking to their restaurant.

If there was only one difference in Mello that Matt could talk about, it would be how much Mello changed how he treated other people. On their way to their seats after ordering their food, someone bumped Mello’s shoulder on their way to the soda fountain. Before Mello would’ve either grumbled obscenities under his breath or flat out yell at them, but not this time. This time, Mello made a scene.

Upon impact Mello jerked in the opposite direction of the touch. He slammed his body back into a thankfully empty booth and stammered words of apology for getting in the fat man’s way. It took Matt three minutes to fully calm Mello down, ten more for the food to come to their table, and another fifteen before the people quit staring at them.

“I’m sorry,” Mello said, munching on a French-fry. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” Mello sighed and sat down his half-eaten fry. He’d barely touched his food.

“Don’t worry about it, just eat.” Matt on the other hand had finished off his own food and was helping to devour Mello’s fries. A risky thing to do. When Mello first returned home he had food aggression like a dog. He literally bit Matt if he went anywhere near his plate. Now he no longer minded.

“Matt?”

“Yeah?” Mello stared at him almost accusingly. He looked offended, and Matt couldn’t figure out why. “What’s the matter?” Mello glared at him and Matt put on a sad expression, hoping to bring Mello out of his mood swing.

“Never mind.” Mello sighed and slouched down in his seat.

“What’s wrong Mello? You can tell me.” Matt reached across the table and put his hand over Mello’s. Mello flinched, but didn’t pull his hand away which was a good sign.

“I… I want to go home,” Mello finally said. “I want to go home and sleep.” So that’s what they did. They threw what was left of their food away and left, Mello clinging to Matt as close as possible, making Matt wonder what was going on.

When they arrived at the apartment Matt practically forced Mello to sit on the couch to talk. Mello didn’t want to talk, but his depressed, clingy, silent mood was too much.

“Mello, come on. Tell me what happened. Why did you get so sad all of a sudden?” Mello didn’t answer for ten minutes straight. Matt didn’t push him, he waited patiently. “Mello?”

“Th-that man. When he bumped into me he…” Mello fell quite for thirteen and a half minutes before he spoke again. “He…grabbed my ass.” Mello stared at the floor and Matt let out a sigh. Mello used to take that kind of a thing as a compliment.

“It’s okay Mello. He won’t hurt you.” Matt put and arm around Mello’s shoulder and Mello flinched violently.

“Y-yeah, but what if he comes after me? I mean…” Mello bit his lip and his body trembles hard. “I won’t go through that again! Get away from me!” Mello pushed Matt away with very little force. Matt took the hint and headed off to the bedroom. Mello wanted to be alone so that if tears did fall, Matt wouldn’t see.

Once Matt was out of sight, Mello curled up in his spot on the couch, and with in ten minutes fell asleep. That’s what he spent most of his time doing. Sleeping. Sleeping rather than crying, that’s what it all amounted to.

In a half hour Matt left the safety of the bedroom and crept back into the living room to play his games. He turned off the sound and sat in the chair across from the couch to keep an eye on Mello. Sometimes in his sleep he’d have violent nightmares and end up jerking too hard in his sleep and fall of the couch which didn’t help his heeling wounds the slightest bit.

Mello woke up. Matt could tell by the change in his breaths.

“Matt?” Mello said weakly.

“Yeah? What do you need?” Matt hated how he had to act as if nothing had ever been wrong. He wanted no more than to hold Mello close and spoil him and tell him that something so awful would never happen again, but the doctor said it was a bad idea. To act that way, he said, would cause Mello to either relive the experience over and over, or make him start to panic because he’d conclude that something else was very wrong with him. (The doctor’s example of something wrong was AIDS. If Matt acted up too much with cuddling, Mello would think that he’d gotten said disease and his life span would be limited. He’d begin to wonder if he was dying.) Matt thought all of that was rubbish, but he did as he was told and didn’t make a fuss over Mello’s completely horrible experience.

Mello was silent for a moment, so Matt turned to see his face. Before the incident, you could see nothing on Mello’s face, but now, it showed everything. Every emotion and every thought.

“Q-quit being such a jerk!” Mello spat, his eyes flickering with rage and hurt. Matt attempted to stammer a response, but it was no use. Mello wouldn’t hear it. His mood swings, at least, has stayed the same.

“W-what do you—?”

“Don’t play dumb! Do you think I can’t see it!? I know you hate me so just say it! Say you hate me!” Matt stared speechless. Tear filled Mello’s eyes to the brims, but none fell. He was about to cry, but he wasn’t making a single attempt to hide it.

“M-Mello…I don’t—”

“No! You do! I know it! You won’t even give me a hug anymore! And you don’t even say ‘I love you’! At all!” Mello’s face said rage, but his eyes were filled over with despair. Something was hurting him, badly. Something more than lack of touches that he knew he didn’t want and lack of words he didn’t need as reassurance of how Matt obviously felt for him. Something else…

“Mello, that’s not true, and you know it!” Matt raised his voice, wondering if that’s what he would’ve done if nothing had ever happened. At the moment it was as if the past was gone. Had he ever yelled at Mello before the incident? He wasn’t sure.

“Stop pretending, damnit! Quit acting like nothing ever happened! Something /did/ happen and you don’t even care! You won’t even ask me how I feel about it, o-or what I think about it. God damnit, you didn’t even ask me what all happened!” Mello covered his eyes with his arm and tried to hold in the sob caught in his throat. Matt stood up slowly from his seat on the floor and sat next to Mello on the couch. “Th-that whole time… With every person I tried to pretend that it was you so it wouldn’t hurt my mind so badly, but part of me didn’t even want to play that mind trick because I didn’t want to believe that you were the one hurting me… But now I know that you don’t even care. Thanks for saving my ass though, I appreciate it. Although I wish you would’ve killed me instead.” Mello stood up from the couch and walked towards the apartment door, Matt stood up, but didn’t follow. “It would be better than finding out that you couldn’t c-care less.” Mello gripped the doorknob, contemplating over whether or not to leave. Matt bit his lower lips and thought of the worst. He knew that if he spoke, Mello would find some way to twist the words into a heart breaking lie or insult.

He turned the knob slightly, and then fell to his knees, sobbing hard. Matt took the chance to run to Mello’s side and hold him tight, pulling him from the door, preventing him from leaving. If it was possible to break free of his arms first.

“Mello, no. It’s not like that. I do care, but I don’t want to ask because…because I don’t want to hurt you.” Matt felt the tears form in his eyes. The stress he was feeling was so overwhelming. After all that had happened there was no way to avoid being stressed to the point of tears. Mello had been raped for five weeks straight, he was afraid of every noise, touch, and glance, he’d been in the hospital for a month, and now, the person Matt loved the most, was trying to walk out the door with no where to go. He was sure that Mello could find a place, but who’s to say that he wouldn’t get grabbed on the way there and tortured all over again?

“Matt! Stop it! Let me go!” Mello sobbed hard, and despite his words, he clung to Matt tightly as if for dear life. They stayed that way for a while, sitting on the floor in front of the door, Mello sobbing in Matt’s arms and Matt holding Mello as close as possible, trying to soothe the blonde, trying to think of a way to make the tears stop.

“Mello, I do love you, more than anything else. You know that, I know you do.” Matt began petting Mello’s hair gently, somehow lowering Mello’s hard sobs to silent tears. There was something consoling in the touch.

Mello nodded. “Ask me,” he said. He sighed and cuddled closer into Matt’s arms, acting in the strange, affectionate way that he used to do after a romantic experience.

“Ask you?” Matt said, confused. He nuzzled Mello’s neck which resulted in Mello’s nerves flinching. That small action alone put a damper on Matt’s mood.

“Ask me how I felt, ask me…what I thought about in the hospital when they wouldn’t let me see you. Ask me…” Mello sobbed hard and buried his head in Matt’s chest. “how bad it hurt. I want you to ask me so I can tell you, so I can clear my head.” Matt moved slowly, picking Mello up to carry him to a more comfortable place. Near the door was dangerous place. If he upset Mello, one swift movement and he could be gone, off into the night where he could get hurt.

He chose the couch, fearing that the bed would make it seem as if he was asking for something. Mello only seemed intimidated by being picked up. It appeared as if he’d rather sit on the floor to talk, rather than lay in his ‘spot.’

“Tell me, please, Mello, what all did that sick bastard do to you?” Matt asked, brushing the bangs out of Mello’s eyes.

“That man?” Mello was acting as if he hadn’t told Matt to ask. “I don’t want to try to remember all of those things. But what he loved, more than anything else, was to whip me. That’s why my back is scarred so badly now.” Mello whimpered and grabbed onto Matt’s arm the way you’d expect a small child to do to a parent that they hadn’t seen for a very very long time.

“Mello, what did you think about? Being held there, in a garage? Did he ever once let you out? Ever?” Mello smiled his nearly microscopic smile, glad that Matt was finally taking, or showing rather, his interest in the tragic event.

“I thought about you. I thought about how I wanted you to come and save me. Sometimes, I’d even play over how it would go in my mind. How you’d just find me somehow without me having to call for you. How you’d just find a way to save me and make all of the pain go away. God how much it hurt. He made sure it hurt me Matty. And if it didn’t, o-or I tried to pretend that it didn’t bother me, he torture my body until he knew that I couldn’t take it anymore.” Matt wanted to say something as a long period of silence fell over them, but he knew that Mello was not finished telling that part of the story yet. “Y-you know, sometimes, people hurt you so much, and you wonder to yourself what happens after that pain becomes unbearable. Do you go crazy? Do you become strong enough to push away the person hurting you, or do you pass out, or even die from it? But I know now. You just scream, and yell, and throw a fit and before long it’ll stop because whoever was hurting you is tired of hearing it. Then you just cry to yourself and let your mind slip away to someplace better before you fall asleep and dream a dream so real, you wonder if you’re actually awake and the pain that you’re being put through was just a God awful nightmare.” Mello sobbed hard, Matt didn’t think that the blonde’s mind could go that deep, to express himself in such an open and…weak way. “That’s what it was like…did you...” Mello trembled slightly, Matt could see a flash of fear in Mello’s eyes, a small flash. “E-ever wonder if something had happened to me? A-and tell the truth! I won’t mind if you didn’t…really.”

Matt felt the tears burn at his eyes. Mello was doubting him, Mello was doubting everything.

“Yes, Mello, I did. At first I thought you’d just vanished like you do sometimes, then I wondered if you’d gotten yourself killed or…stuck in a bad situation. I worried about you a lot Mello. I wouldn’t even play my games for an entire week because I missed you too much.” Matt kissed Mello’s lips gently, glad that Mello finally was no longer afraid of kisses, he wouldn’t flinch, but only if he knew that they were coming. Yet he still hadn’t gotten back the courage and strength to make the first move like he used to. “I was so afraid that you were dead,” Matt whimpered, no longer restraining the urge to pull Mello into a tight embrace. In actuality he was more worried at that moment than he had been while Mello was missing. He was suddenly allowing the ‘ifs’ and ‘what could’ve beens’ enter his mind.’ His tears fell as gruesome images filled his mind, Mello, dead, what he’d looked like when Matt had rescued him. He chocked on a sob, which made it more noticeable than if he would have let it out without resistance.

“M-Matt? Matty!? A-are you crying? Wh-why?” Mello began trembling, he was frightened again, scared because he was unsure of what was happening.

“I-it’s nothing…I j-just… realized how bad this all could’ve been. You could’ve died! And I wouldn’t have known and…” Mello stared at Matt, eyes filled with what seemed to be a mixture of shock and slight happiness. He began to know that Matt worried more than he ever thought possible.

“But it didn’t happen that way. S-so you don’t n-need to cry. It makes me feel bad.” Mello pried Matt’s arms gently off of him, Matt wondered if it was an attempt to act like he used to, to pretend to not want the affection that everyone knew that he wanted.

“H-hu?” Matt blinked back tears and wiped the existing ones off onto the sleeve of his shirt.

“Qu…qui-” Mello trembled hard, it was almost as if he were choking on the word. Then he spat it out. “Q-Quit being a pussy!” With that Mello wrapped his arms around Matt’s neck, causing the redhead to loose his balance and topple over to the floor with Mello clinging to him, shaking just slightly.

“M-Mello!” Matt debated over weather or not to pry the blonde off of him and force a kiss or two on the man, or to just let Mello lie there. He chose the later.

“B-Be quiet…” Mello trembled hard, afraid to get hit. Didn’t he know that Matt of all people would never hurt him. Slowly Matt lifted his hand and placed it on Mello’s head, stroking his head softly. Mello didn’t flinch, his breathing however slowed rapidly. He’d fallen asleep.

“Mello…” As gently as possible Matt scooped Mello up into his arms and after a moments hesitation took Mello to the bedroom. Usually Mello stayed on the couch, but he knew that the couch wasn’t comfortable, but the bed was, and Mello deserved it. And maybe, just maybe, now that Mello had opened up and Matt had said what Mello wanted to hear, Mello wouldn’t mind if he woke up with Matt sleeping next to him. Just maybe.

~Alice von Wonderland

Closing Note: I have my regular system back now, only grammar errors should exist if any at all.

Please Rate and Review

The reason it takes so long for me to post, I must say this now, is because I work on two chapters one after the other before posting one of them. I wrote chapter one and then posted it right away. However, I wrote both chapter two and three before posting chapter two. That way, incase I must stop writing for any reason, I can just post the chapter I have finished to fill in the gap. No promises for the next chapter, I’d like to keep you waiting to know what its plotline is. But I will say, in that chapter, there is almost a lemon. Almost … Just wait and see loves...

Until next time

Alice Von Wonderland

R&R