Silent Wars

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Suddenly light was teasing me, bright light which finally made me open my eyes. I tried to move, to turn my head to get it out of the little lake of drool but it hurt terribly. My back also complained when I sat up and my hands felt like lead.
Hakkai was leaning in his seat, his head bent, obviously still asleep.
When I glanced through the room I saw a lot more people sitting there than yesterday.

“What’s the time…you, hey, you!”

The waitress turned her head, the same as yesterday, and after a quick glance at her watch she told me that it was 10 o‘clock in the morning.
10 o’clock and still no Sanzo?
Either there was something wrong or he had already had breakfast.

I got up and after a short growl of pain I went upstairs to go to see Sanzo.I knocked on his door but no one answered. And I was much too impatient and worried than to wait there any longer so I just stepped into the room.
And didn’t find anyone there.
The bed looked like he had used it tonight, the sheets were partially hanging down on the floor, cigarettes were scattered over the floor and his robes were lying on the ground.
He must have been there and now-

I went rigid when I heard something. Something like a stifled sob. Then muffled coughing, I turned my head and spotted it coming from the bathroom. So I ran towards the door, pushed it open with my foot and took a step backwards.

Blood covering the floor, too much of it than to not raise alarm and worry.
Sanzo lying on the ground, just in the middle of that lake, his body trembling and his hand reaching towards something I couldn’t see because the wall hid it from my eyes. So I took a step into the room, careful not to step into the blood and turned my head to look at the left.

I gasped when I found a woman sitting there, covered in white veils, a golden breastplate of the shape of a sun hanging in front of her breasts, long black curled hair, thick red lips and a mien like the world would end.
She held his hand, she had gripped his wrist and held it while Sanzo was lying on the floor.
Then I realized that her fingers were bloody too and that a stream of dried blood wound itself round Sanzo’s arm, from his wrist down to his shoulder. He was naked except for his pants.

I swallowed and looked at Sanzo again. His face was full of pain and he was whimpering. He hadn’t even lifted his head to look at me, it was still lying in the red, a vacant look in his eyes.
When the eyes of the goddess and mine met she firmly stared at me and I had to cast mine down.
It was undeniable that Sanzo had tried to slash his wrists because of what had happened.

“I have staunched the bleed but I can’t heal the wound. And less his mind.”

I forced myself to stare down at the blood, to bear the pain and finally suffer with him instead of running away and averting my eyes like before. If he accepted any pity, any consoling words I’d have given him everything he demanded of me.

“I…somehow can understand why you’ve done that but as you know I can’t approve of that. I’m a goddess and therefore have to be neutral but you surely know what I’m thinking about this.”

“Sure.”, I whispered and swallowed, the lump in my throat let me become silent pretty quickly.

I swallowed hard again and felt tears trickling down my cheek. That picture in front of me dragged me down so much that I had difficulties in trying to keep myself from doing the same what Sanzo had done. I closed my eyes in defeat and let the tears float down my face, I knelt down, right into the blood, whimpered just like Sanzo still did and leaned down to embrace his head.
My face landed in the blood as I wound my arms round his head. My sobs mingled with his and I felt his breath hitting my lips, fitfully and not much.

Then I felt the goddess putting her hand on my head and softly petting me. I think she understood my thoughts and feelings well enough as to not give me a real telling-off. And I was so grateful for this that I whispered a shy ‘Thanks’.
I stayed there until my back ached and forced me either to sit up or completely lie down and I sat up, in the middle of the lake of blood and gently stroked his head. His other hand which he had held tightly pressed against his body reached out and gripped mine.

“There’s one…possibility…one chance to get everything back to normal…”

I looked up and attentively stared at her.

“What? What is it?”

“They are disapproving of that but…I can erase that from his memory…and make it seem like nothing has ever happened.”

I bent my head again and stared at Sanzo. He had closed his eyes and now sighed.
This sounded good. Sanzo would be deprived of these memories and he could live a normal life again.
As…normal as it had been before…he’d still remember the other bad things which had happened to him. I looked up at the goddess and stared at her for several moments before I was able to talk.

“And why not…before already?”, I asked the her with growing anger, “Why haven’t you already done it when his master has died, hah? He’s suffering so much every night it’s raining, he’s drowning in his pain, don’t you see that from your stupid little cloud?! Why haven’t you come down then to erase these fucking memories, why now?!”

She had listened to me in silence, now she inhaled deeply and faced Sanzo again.

“As I already said, they don’t want gods to interfere in the affairs of human beings and I had to do a hell’s job in order to convince them to let me come down. You know, he’d have bled to death if I hadn’t been able to come.”

She licked her lips, then continued, “And I told them that this would just happen again if nothing changed. Things would keep breaking apart, he’d try to kill himself for another time and we’d have no one to accomplish the mission.”

“So this is it“, I gasped breathlessly, “You’ve just come down to save your toy in order to guarantee the success of the mission he’s doomed with? That’s so detestable.”

“No, my dear, that’s what I told the Emperor. I surely have some personal interest in this body to keep going. And I would have the same interest in yours and the other’s two as well if something grave happened, believe me.
You think I give up so easily on things I have become fond of just because something goes wrong and causes unforeseen problems? Certainly not, I want Genjyo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo to continue, no matter what has happened.”

I had bent my head and now tried to figure out whether she had named me as well because she had felt what I had been feeling or just because I was accidentally sitting there as well.
I felt a hand under my chin and she lifted my head.

“I want you to keep going…”

I stared into her deep eyes, they were black as coal, dark, an ever-present steadfast look, but so friendly. I had expected her to hit me and punish me for what I had done but this was so much more…painful.

“I’ll erase that from his memory if you tell me to do so.”

I just thought about it for a moment, I was sure that I’d help Sanzo with that.

“Yes…please…”

She brushed over my cheek for a last time, then let go of me and turned to face Sanzo. By gripping his wrist she lifted him up and he whined. Although I knew her way of treating…people from the last time she had come to see us when Sanzo had been stabbed by Rikkudo I silently whined at Sanzo’s desperate complaint. The goddess took his face into her hands and forced him to stare into her eyes.

And suddenly he started whining again, louder until his wailing turned into moans, longer and he screamed and shouted and tried to shove her hands away. I bet he was living through that hell again.
Finally, when Sanzo was already too weak to move around like that he kept sobbing but still stared into her eyes. Now she stroked over his cheek, Sanzo screwed his eyes and went slack.

“Sanzo…”

“Don’t worry, he has just passed out.”, she told me while carefully taking him on her arms. His hands fell down and lifelessly dangled from his body.

“When he’ll wake up he won’t remember anything. You’ll tell him that he has drunk too much and you just brought him up to his room.”

It was weird. I got up to follow her and just watched her lying him down on the bed. She rushed past me and then after a minute she came back with a wet towel, sat down and started cleaning him from the blood.

“And…the scar…what…”

“He has drunk so much that he broke the glass in his delirium and accidentally hurt himself.”

Sanzo was lying there, calmly and peacefully and when he’d wake up he wouldn’t be able to recall that incident any longer.
While he was cured then my real pain would start.

When the goddess had finished she turned around and glanced at me. I had bent my head and just noticed her doing this from the corner of my eye. I licked my lips and tried to bend my head a bit more when she came walking towards me.
Her face appeared in front of mine, she forced me to look up and listen to her.

“Shall I do that with you as well? They’ll already kill me for doing this with Konzen but I’m ready to help you and maybe your friend as well.”

I swallowed and looked to the side.

“Tell the gods that it is only me who is guilty of this, who will stand their anger and disfavour and that it’s not your fault that it has been necessary to do that.”

“What do you expect from me, I’m the goddess of mercy and I’m there to help my people whatever they are suffering from and whichever problems they have to face. I may not always come down to appear and talk to you but be sure that I’m watching over you, whatever you are doing and whatever you are saying.”

A sudden thought struck me while she said that, just for a second but it was there; if she really saw everything then she knew about my little adventures when I pretended to be very dirty and in a need of a shower which sometimes took me nearly an hour…

“I can not always lay my hands on you to help you and show you another solution to your problems but believe me that I always keep my eyes glued to you and that I also try to help you through other things which you may not immediately recognize as some god’s work.
And I know about your showers, stop pondering over that.”

My head jerked up and I felt my cheeks blushing deeply.
She just smiled at me.

“I ask you once again, shall I also erase that part from your memory?”

“No.”, I said dryly and stared down again.

“You’re a gentleman. Maybe not at first sight but all through at second. I’m somewhat proud of you that you refuse my help and rather stand your conscience than flee from it and block it out.
I know what has happened and what has made you go so mad and I know what has lead to that anger of yours and I know, I can tell you for sure, that nothing like that will ever happen again.

He’ll be Genjyo Sanzo, your bitchy prick as you secretly call him and he’ll shoot and curse and drink as always.
But I really offer you my help, now that I’ve seen that you are willing and nearly eager to take responsibility for what you’ve done I offer you my help and receive you with open arms.”

I just shook my head, the moment she had ended I shook my head and told her that there was only Sanzo who needed to be helped and who had the right to be helped.
She petted my cheek and tried to convince me of permitting her to do that with me as well but I refused her helping hand. I should remember that until I’d die.

She sighed and got up.
“I’ll be there if you need me, I’ll immediately come down to look at you, care for you and listen to you if you need me and think of me. For now I will leave you. Try to treat him appropriately when he wakes up.”

“What?”, I asked her with a weepy voice and looked up.

Did she really think that I’d hit him again when he’d wake up? What did she think that she said ’Treat him appropriately’…?

“Gojyo…I meant to treat him like one who has drunk too much. Sneer at him, tease him and make some fun of him, whatever you’re always doing when he got too much.”

“Oh…I see.”

“Good. I’ll leave you now. I wish you the best of luck.”

“See you.”

“Yes”, she smiled and disappeared in the dim light.


I got up to sit down beside his bed. And I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to treat him appropriately.

I spent the whole day and night there and watched over him until the dim light swept over the room again. It was still raining.
Sanzo sighed now and suddenly sat up. He hadn’t moved for 24 hours and now he just sat up. I looked up when he just lifted his hand to rub over his eyes, then he shortly moaned.

When he noticed me he looked down at me. Irritated eyes but so cold and deadly gleaming again.

“What…happened?”

I tilted my head.

“You drank too much, I carried you upstairs.”

I couldn’t sneer at him and I couldn’t tease him. So I got up and left the room. I’d go to see Hakkai and have a talk with him. And anyway he hadn’t shown up for pretty long now, very unusual in his case.
And Goku…where the hell was that kid, I hadn’t seen him for days either now.
I knocked on Hakkai’s door and stepped in when no one answered.

And I blinked when I saw him lying on the bed and Goku sitting in front of him. When he heard me entering he turned around.

“Ah, Gojyo…”

“Goku…what…what the fuck happened?”

“Hakkai…suddenly he fell down and didn’t move anymore…”

“What?”

“I met him when I came home from my noodle trip, he was leaning against his door and I asked him what was up with him and he just smiled at me…and then he keeled over….I don’t know.”

Anyway, Hakkai now opened his eyes and sat up. And that in the same way as I had noticed it in Sanzo’s case.

“What happened?”, he asked us with an irritated voice.

She had erased his memory as well.
I was the only one left to know about it now. The wounds on Sanzo’s body had healed, his mind had won the fight over that memory and Hakkai had been deprived of it as well. I’d suffer in silence, forever mute.

Goku tried to explain things to Hakkai who watched him intently. He was talking with his hands and feet, it was always so amusing to listen to Goku when he was excited.

“We’re leaving at 10.”, I suddenly heard Sanzo shouting across the room. And he was gone again.


When everyone had calmed down and finally got back to normal we left at 11 a.m.
Sanzo made a scene, shouting at us and insulting us because we were so late. And it just had been him who hadn’t been able to detect his sandals. They had been lying under the bed.

“You goddamn idiots…”, he mumbled while sitting down at the front.

I couldn’t raise my head to look at him. A deep depression was dragging me down, keeping my head bent and my eyes nearly closed. And even when Goku tried to tease the hell out of me I couldn’t raise a hand to give him a clout. But whenever one of the three asked me something I looked up and tried to act as normally as possible, I even succeeded in spilling some nasty comments and finally also teasing Goku.

And that mood claimed my mind for over three days and nights before someone had the courage to come to me and ask me about it. Because they had noticed.

“Gojyo…”

I was standing in the middle of the room, smoking and looking out of the window. And though I couldn’t see much because it had already got dark.

“I have to talk to you.”

He was the last I wanted to talk with. I still felt too weak and not ready yet to face him and the memory which accompanied him.
Now I heard footsteps, he was coming closer. I sighed and lit another cigarette.

“Concerning what?”, I asked him now without trying to hide the sadness from my voice.

“We can’t continue like that, as much as I hate to do that and play the nurse, it’s inevitable because you seem to…even endanger us with that attitude of yours.”

I knew what he was referring to. Yesterday a group of Youkai had attacked us and I had been stricken by that lethal mood so I hadn’t even managed to call on my Shakujyo and fight for god’s sake. I had wanted them to slash my chest and kill me. So the Sanzo party was forced to cope with the attack in a threesome instead of the usual group of four fighters and they had had real difficulties in beating them. I just had been standing there, my head bent, trying hard to suppress the tears and the others had moved around me and kept them from me.
If this situation hadn’t been obvious enough then I’d eat my cigarette.

“I wouldn’t care in the faintest if it just concerned you, be assured of this, but it also harms us when you’re acting up like that.”

“Sorry.”

I couldn’t answer anything else than this.
Why couldn’t he have sent Hakkai to me…not Goku because he didn’t really know how to get such things done but Hakkai…the reasonable, everything-understanding and always friendly man…

“It’s not done with just a ‘sorry’, you fucking idiot have to move your ass and cheer up a bit if that sick mood of yours is dragging all of us down!”

He was annoyed and even came closer until he was standing in front of me.

“I’ve never seen you so depressed, what the fuck has happened during that night? Has some woman smacked you for shoving your dirty cock up her ass or have you been raped or what?!”

So I must have acted and felt like one who had been raped…just the punishment I deserved for doing this to Sanzo. He paid me back in kind.

“Are you worried about me?”, I asked him softly and even slightly smiled at him.

He gasped and his fury was nearly visible now.

“What?! I should care about YOU? Gods, what makes you believe such sick nonsense, you goddamn half-breed…”

I bent my head again and took a drag from my cigarette. Sanzo now also fished one out of his packet and just lighted it with the help of mine.

“I just want to say that you…can’t continue like that. It will do none of us any good.”

He had turned around and now showed me his back.

“No, it won’t.”

I remembered him kissing me, shyly putting his hand on mine. And now he didn’t know anything about that anymore.
He turned around and peered at me, one of those gazes with which he was always successful in staring me down.

“What the hell is up with you?”

“Nothing.”

I hadn’t even tried to stand his gaze, the moment I had seen those eyes I had let my hair cover my eyes. Now I turned around and left the room. I couldn’t stand that presence any longer.
And I even left the inn to search for a lonely place to spend the night there.The earth was still moist from the rain and the air wasn’t that warm so that it could have desiccated the soil.
After walking for some minutes I found the local park. And some benches.
I just lay down on one of them.

______________

I was woken by shouts. The moment I got conscious of myself again I felt someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name in an annoyed voice.
Oh, that annoyed voice…I only knew one annoyed voice around there and it belonged to a man I had tried to avoid at all costs.

“GOJYO!!!”

I fell from the bank and into the dirt. My face had landed in a particularly nice deep puddle of dirt, my hair had followed and I took a mouthful of tasty earth.
While I tried to spit it out he sat down.
I just kept sitting on the floor, once I had made my clothes dirty I didn’t bother to get up anymore and join him there.

“I tell you, if this doesn’t change some time soon you’ll get retired. We’re leaving in 10 minutes, get back to the jeep.”

My good morning kiss and ‘How did you sleep’ to which I was used to still felt and sounded a bit different than that now.
Sanzo got up and left me there.
And I didn’t even take care of my clothes before I sat down in the back of the jeep, I just sat down with the dirt smeared over my face and body.
They all stared at me with disturbed eyes but I didn’t care about them.

Again we drove for the whole day, just the usual surprises and problems. When Hakkai finally stopped the jeep it had already got dark. Although everybody jumped from the jeep I kept sitting there until Sanzo appeared in the dark again.
Annoyed face, scowl and killing eyes. Just so fucking as always.

“Get your ass up, you goddamn idiot, I have to room with you!”

No…please…no…this was just everything I needed in order to commit suicide. If this was the help the goddess had been talking about then I could easily forego that.
I sighed and followed him up to the room we’d share for the night.
Sanzo just put the key on the table and started taking off his clothes. Then he lay down, covered himself with the blanket and, it was just so stunning, started snoring after another minute.

His face appeared in the dark. His features contorted with pain, his eyes forming thin lines, tears welling from them and his mouth screwed while he showed me his teeth in his pain.
I couldn’t live with that any longer. Every night that picture hunted me down, even in my dreams it didn’t let go of me. Actually this was why I recently rarely happened to get the sleep I needed in order to appear as ‘conscious’ and ‘awake’. When I was awake I still could somehow control the pictures I saw and I could distract myself from those worrisome hells.

Where was that goddess…
I went to the window and called on my Shakujyo. Then I glanced at Sanzo for a last time and whispered an honest apology. If I kept acting like that I’d be retired anyway and I doubted that I’d be able to get back to normal as quickly as he wanted me to. And besides I was a danger to them.
I gripped the blade and slashed my throat.

Or I rather had intended to do that.
Because suddenly I couldn’t move my limbs anymore, it was like the nerves which transferred the commands were cut off from my brain.
I gasped and desperately tried to move my hands to bring it to an end but…it was impossible.

A pale hand appeared from behind, it took the blade from my fingers which gave way and I heard it falling down on the floor.
I couldn’t even open my mouth, I was completely paralyzed.

“You fool”, the voice said softly, “don’t you remember anymore what I told you…”

I whimpered when I had recognized the voice.

“I won’t let go of the things I have become fond of without a fight. And you are not really a serious opponent for me, Sha Gojyo.”

I fell down on the floor when the spell was taken from me. Now I’d get punished.

“I told you to call me if you feel bad.”

She stroked my face, pulled me closer and embraced me.

“That’s why I wanted to erase your memories as well…you aren’t able to bear them anymore and this after 5 days already. Come on, I’ll free you…”

She held my head and I already felt that familiar uneasiness which was typical when I was about to faint.

“No!”

I threw my hands back and shoved hers away, then I fell down on the floor again.
The next second I heard a ‘click‘. A familiar ‘click‘.
This was Sanzo’s gun.

“Who are you?”, he hissed.

The goddess looked up, then got up to appear in all her glory.

“Kanzeon Bosatsu, your Goddess of Mercy, my dear.”

I heard that dismissive ‘Tch’ and nothing happened then.

“Oh just trust me you spoiled priest!”, she shouted at him and he really let the gun sink down in astonishment.

“Why…what are you doing here?”

In the meantime I had got up as well and now Sanzo glanced at me.

“Gojyo…”

“I’m taking care of him, he doesn’t feel good.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve already noticed that as well”, he laughed sardonically, “So can you tell me what is up with him?”

The goddess pulled me in front of her, pressed me against her body and hugged me.

“Some bad memories are torturing him…and he refuses to be healed…”

“Which”, he said coldly.

“Which memories?”

“Yeah, because those can’t be the ones of his mother, he’s way too disturbed for these ones.”

“You see how well he knows you”, I heard her whispering into my ear with a smile.

I immediately moved my head so that I didn’t have to stand that anymore.

“No…not those ones, you are right. These now concern a very good friend of his. Or…someone more than his friend…”

“Shut up!”, I shouted at her and twisted in her grip which had become uncomfortably tight now, “Let go of me, I can handle them myself!”

“No, you can’t. Or are you committing suicide calling ‘handling’?”

“What?”, Sanzo asked me with a slight hint of concern. But he hid it almost perfectly by sounding perplexedly.

“Nothing!”, I shouted towards him and tried to free myself once again.

“I will heal him now if you permit, priest Sanzo.”

He had jumped off the bed and made some steps towards us. Now he eyed me and I went rigid when I saw his eyes. I thought I had seen a hint of worry there…
But the goddess took advantage of this and pressed her hands against my eyes and I immediately felt that coldness seeping into me again. Before I had managed to lift my hands I had gone numb, my arms fell down and she started whispering into my ear.

Soft words accompanied pictures of misery…pain…humiliation…despair…blood…tears…
I was sitting in the tavern again, laughing and drinking while I heard those words…
Then everything went black, my heart stopped beating for a moment and I passed out.

________________

I jerked up into the air. Where was I? Was I dead? Was this still the same world I had always been living in?
My head turned and I saw Sanzo.

“What happened?”, I asked him. My mouth felt dry and a slight headache had built up in my head since I had sat up too quickly.

“The goddess…Kanzeon Bosatsu, can’t you remember, she erased some of your memories because you have wanted to kill yourself because of them.”

“What?”

I tried to think back to that. Kanzeon? When should I have seen that goddess?

“Which…memories…?”

“She said, ‘about a good friend‘. How shall I know which memories!”

He sounded annoyed again. For nothing, what had I done wrong again?! I woke up in the middle of nowhere, totally confused, I was told that parts of my memory had been erased by a goddess and then I should stay calm?
And…what did that goddess actually think that she did something like this…or had I decided to let this be done to me?

Sanzo took out a cigarette and lit it.

“May I…also have one?”

Without looking up at me he took out another one, lit it with his own and then gave it to me.
What had those memories been about…but they must have been really bad if Sanzo now told me that I had wanted to kill myself because of them.

“Has she said anything about those…memories?”

“No.”

Hell but it was even worse now…not knowing what these memories had been about was even worse than knowing about them. At least I thought so. Because this would keep nagging at me until I’d die. Certainly.

I looked up and met his eyes. A sudden sting of pain made me tense up, something…trying to break through my mind…something trying to escape the bounds of my subconscious…I gasped and cast my eyes down to feverishly try to remember.
Only a really bad and disturbing feeling clung to me when I dug too deep…a feeling I was afraid of. So powerful and destructive that I quickly tried to forget it again.

“What…?”

“I…thought I remembered…and…it felt…”, I stopped talking because that weird feeling was overwhelming me again. That goddess had done a crappy job if those were the side effects of that partial cleansing.

“What…”, he asked careful. But I was too occupied with my own hell of feelings than to notice that honest worry.

“It felt so bad, so…totally negative, so…painful…so desperate…”, I nearly whined now.

Sanzo bit his lip and embraced me. I went rigid again. He was embracing me…

“…this is…just exactly what I have felt after…waking up from my…my…”

“What?”, I sobbed and hugged him tightly, “what…”

This was hell. We both didn’t have the faintest clue about what had happened with us, Sanzo obviously was worried about something as well.

“It feels like pure malignity…”

“Yeah”, I whispered, “It’s…unbearable…”

When Sanzo got conscious of where he was, what he was doing and whom he was hugging so tightly he jerked away.

“Maybe…Hakkai knows something about it.”

I got up, I was eager to get to know about the cause of these feelings.
But Hakkai didn’t know anything either.
So we asked Goku. We had gathered in the tavern and now we were waiting for Goku to tell us what was wrong.

“I don’t know…maybe it has something to do with that incident two weeks ago…”

“Which incident?”, Sanzo asked.

I couldn’t think of any incident either.

“When they found you…”

“Where?”

“Gojyo and Hakkai kept me from you but I have seen you…you were lying on the bed, there was blood everywhere and you looked so…scared and afraid…there was blood everywhere…”

“What?”, Sanzo gasped, “WHAT?”

“I have heard weird noises then…Hakkai screaming at you, something like…oh my, I can’t remember, it’s such a long time…something like ‘I’m sick of you…I…can’t look at you without…”

Sanzo’s eyes widened and he clenched his teeth, then he made a choking sound and gripped the table top. His head bent down, his back bending as well, slowly and ungainly and all the time he made those choking sounds.

“Sanzo!”, Goku shouted, “What…what…”

Sanzo whined, his face was contorted with pain, his eyes tiny slits, his mouth open so that he showed us his teeth in his…pain…
…what…?
…this…seemed familiar to me like…a freaking déjà-vu…like…

I also made a choking sound when it hit me.
Deep despair, blood everywhere, pain…so much pain and deep desperation…Sanzo on the bed…me…gripping his penis…riding him…hitting him, screaming at him…
I had raped him.

In one of my short moments of awareness now I saw Hakkai grimacing from the corner of my eye…the goddess must have taken care of him as well…

“G-Gojyo…Hakkai!!”

The feelings I had been forced to suppress swept over me, stronger and more violently than before, like a wall of a dam had broken and now released the accrued masses of water…

“You have raped me…you…you…”, Sanzo shouted in a high-pitched voice and showed me his wet face, “you…”

“What?”, Goku said totally perplexed, “Sanzo what…”

Hakkai had buried his face in his hands and sobbed, Sanzo was absent-mindedly clenching his top, tears trickling down his face and sounds of desperation escaping his mouth with every exhale…and Goku was sitting there, trying to apprehend the meaning of Sanzo’s sentence while staring at me, Hakkai and his Sanzo in turns.
I lay down on the table. That stupid goddess…if she hadn’t tried to heal us we’d have been able to overcome it but now…

So senseless…I felt like dying again. If she had let me do that no one would have had to remember again…Sanzo wouldn’t have come to me to tell me to pull myself together and this never would have happened.
It was obvious that Hakkai was deeply regretting that as well now, he shouldn’t have remembered that scene into which I had talked him. And anyway, Sanzo recalling that scene was the worst, he was suffering the most and I feared that he’d never forget it.

This just had been a desperate attempt to get us together again but it seemed like we were too clever for that, we knew that we couldn’t continue our journey like that and secrets…just teased you to find out about the truth.
Sanzo had started to pant, I watched him biting his lip, so long and hard until there was blood seeping from it but he didn’t notice and kept on tearing it apart. Sweat was running down his face and he looked so pale and unhealthy that I thought he’d faint every second.

This was not fair.
As I had told the goddess, I should remain the one who was able to remember it and she could heal Sanzo and for all I cared Hakkai as well…and everything had been going well until she had decided to ‘help’ me as well.
But now…we’d need an awful lot of time to get that worked over and not even then we’d be the same, the ones we had been before that.

We’d never laugh again, smile again and we’d never offer the other a helping hand again. Because we were afraid, of the other and of ourselves, afraid of what would happen inside of us if we offered or took the hand.

I felt someone gripping my hand and I lifted my head from my little dark hole to see who that was.
It was Sanzo. His head was bent and his hair completely covered his face but I still heard him sobbing. His trembling hand was holding mine, desperately, trying to get hold of something of this world which would distract him from that death.

I swallowed when I remembered how he had behaved after that…rape, and it was just the same now. Only that he wasn’t so afraid of me anymore but was already looking for solace and help…in the arms of his rapist.

But hell this was wrong. Compared to the other Sanzo, always talking to me in that annoyed voice and telling me off as often as possible, shouting at me for putting their lives at risk during that fight and just scowling at me whenever I dared to look at him it was wrong.
But the trauma must have deeply moved him…otherwise I didn’t know what should have made him seek that close company.

Nevertheless I reached out and stroked his head and he immediately snuggled up to it.
The touch of his skin so smarting, his look so dead.

This was what had broken me for a second time. That love which was born of deep pain, desperation and helplessness, that love which was doomed to just bring along more pain. It had depressed me, it had torn me down, once already.

And I wasn’t used to this feeling when it concerned Sanzo. I wasn’t used to looking into the moons and realizing that they had stopped shining and I wasn’t used to his touch when I knew that he absolutely disgusted it.
He’d be caught up in his own nightmare, forced to do things which hurt him even more while still believing in the good effects of it.

Goku was staring at me and Sanzo with a blank expression, rare to catch him like that. Hakkai had stopped crying but was watching us with such guilty eyes that it was nearly worse than his crying fit.
And I…I was just staring at his blond hair. I didn’t know how this should continue. Every day I’d catch a glimpse of Sanzo I’d remember what I had done with that once so pristine and unaffected creature. And he’d remember as well, forced to recall that night over and over again.

I called on my Shakujyo. It was so loud in there, so many people screaming and shouting and laughing that no one had taken any notice of that. With the cold metal in my hands I got up and silently asked my other two companions whether they agreed with this. Sanzo was lying on the table, not moving anymore. Hakkai was looking at me with swollen eyes, begging me to continue. And Goku didn’t understand anything.

I reached out and wanted to swing the blade…but they didn’t let me.
That numbness caught me again, I froze and had to hold still in my posture.

“No…heavens…please…”

I was able to whine before I couldn’t move my lips anymore. Light appeared behind me, it shone brightly but only for a second, then it faded. Those pale hands reached in front of me and took the blade from my hands…another goddamn déja-vu.
Hakkai was staring at me, even Sanzo had lifted his head a bit.

The goddess lightly brushed over my cheek to console me.

“You escaped…”, she nearly asked me that, “…but don’t worry…this time it will work for sure…”

And those were the last words I perceived before I fell the victim to that torture again.


Again and again.

Like a nightmare which had become true or so real that we thought we were living in it.

A nightmare with an end which was always the same.

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