Darksome call
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Gensomaden Saiyuki › General
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Category:
Gensomaden Saiyuki › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
2
Views:
1,482
Reviews:
1
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Part 2
______________________
It must have been two hours later when I had woken up. The fire of the candles had gone out but there was still some noise coming from downstairs…logically that kind of establishment was open from 8 p.m. to 9 a.m. to guarantee some guests who had spent the night there some more time before they got thrown out.
Sanzo’s hand was still lying on my hip and I listened to his calm and constant breathing. He was still asleep so nothing special had woken me.
But I felt the need to go the toilet…well…or check my parts down there whether everything was alright.
I carefully moved away from him and sat up. That darkness wasn’t normal. The curtains were drawn and didn’t let any moonlight shine through the windows indeed but that blackness which was lying in front of me was even to thick for my Youkai senses than to be looked through. But I was determined to get to a bath somewhere, if I didn’t find any in his room I’d look for it downstairs.
When I left the bed I couldn’t avoid the little mattress quake and Sanzo sighed and lifted his head.
But he couldn’t see me, the darkness was too black for him as well.
“Gojyo…?”
“Yeah, I’m here…”
“What…is something wrong? Do you suffer pain?”, he said worriedly.
“No, no, it’s alright, it’s just…do you have a toilet somewhere in there?”
“Oh sure…it’s on the other side of the room just straight in front of you, the…second door at your right side.”
I heard him lying down after this again.
Well…I’d find that goddamn loo, sure. I walked into the direction where I assumed the ‘in front of you’ and everything went well until I felt a different floor appearing under my feet. While the one around the bed was made of wood this one was cool and tiled.
The breath was drawn from me when I felt something digging into the pit of my stomach, I had hurried and not walked very slowly to get to the toilet so this hadn’t been a good idea. Sanzo must have heard me gulping from there and I heard the sheets rustling again.
“Gojyo? What do you have?”
“Gh…nothing, I just…well…”
I tried to get an idea of what that thing was which was preventing me from my toilet by touching it. Cool leather…a kind of cushion about some centimetres thick lying on a framing made of steel…
“What the fuck is that…I bumped into somethin’…”
“The gynaecological chair?“
“How shall I know!”
“Wait...I’ll turn on the light.”
And the light was turned on. The big black chandelier in the middle of the room flooded the room with such a bright light that I cried out in annoyance and shut my eyes.
“Damn…Sanzo…why not the little red lamp near the bed…gods…”
“Sorry”, I heard him devilishly calling over.
“Oh my…”, I mumbled and smirked. I tried to open my eyes now but only slits were possible, otherwise it still would have hurt too much.
It was indeed the gynaecological fuck I had slammed into my belly. But I turned and went to the second door to my right.
“No, wait, it’s…the second one to your left…”
I smiled at that, we were just two of a kind…
So I headed for this one and I really found the bathroom there. Black and red like it was also supposed to be a place for some other games.
I switched on the light which wasn’t so bright anymore and looked down at myself in the mirror. But the parts which I had wanted to take a look at lay below the mirror so I took my balls into my hand and lifted them a bit to glance at them.
Dark red was sticking on them, dried blood which had already crusted. Well, this wouldn’t be such a problem, this would heal in some days.
I left the mirror and went to the loo to have a pee.
After that I switched off the light and stepped into the brighter one to get back to the bed. I stopped in front of it to take a look at Sanzo.
He seemed like having fallen asleep again, he lay there with the blanket covering his hip but leaving his feet and abdomen exposed to me…he looked so lovely…and the look on his face…gods…so different from the one I had seen when he had hurt me.
He sighed shortly and opened his eyes. But instead of lifting his head he just turned them on me to invite me to join him there again.
I smiled, lifted the duvet to lie down and the second I touched the sheets he immediately wound his limbs round me like a cuttlefish, pulling me closer to take care of his victim and food.
With one hand he reached out to switch off the light and the moment I heard the click from the switch the familiar, even more comfortable darkness fell down on us again.
A darkness in which nothing was seen by eyes which weren’t supposed to see, in which everything could be done and just nothing was wrong.
________________________
When I woke up in the morning it was still dark, the curtains were still drawn but the sky must have been clouded because it was unusually dark in there. After getting conscious of what my life currently looked like I closed my eyes again and squeezed his arm a bit tighter. Maybe I hadn’t woken up yet.
He had told me that if I waited for him he’d pack his bags and leave this house to join me. Join me and my way of life. Leave this place where he had everything he needed and wanted and join me where he would always be on the run. I didn’t know whether he’d love that other life so much as to stay with me forever.
Now I felt the latex of his gloves rubbing against my belly…he hadn’t even taken off his clothes. At least some of them which hadn’t prevented him from fucking me. He nuzzled something into my hair and put his leg over my ass.
Never on earth I would have thought that I’d meet him there. And actually at that time when I had planned to get a bit more experienced before offering him my ass or my cock, whatever he desired.
If he had desired anything at all. Because it was not a given that he’d accept that, that he even would look at me when I called his name after months when we didn’t belong to the one and only group anymore.
I had been so careless, I had just run into hell without asking for the way.
If I had seen him then, with a girl or another man besides him, holding hands and kissing I’d have…somehow killed myself. He had always treated me like some dirty half-breed, some ordinary low class pervert, I had heard him calling me the sick asshole often enough so as to be assured of what he thought about me.
And when I now remembered the second he had seen me and then what had followed, how he had looked at me while being closer, closer because of I dare to say love and not money, I had to smile then. He had been ready to do that when he could have called someone else and he had accepted me as an equal man in the end.
It was weird that I had had to lie in a darkroom, chained to the bed and waiting for someone to hurt me so that I had finally reached what I had been longed for…
When I had thought that he’d do everything but whip me and do what was written on the sheet which implicated closeness which he hadn’t seem to be used to he had done everything and far more than I had thought he was capable of.
Which, in the end, meant that he lacked of the same things as I did. But still in a bit different way because he had everything he needed for this when I had had nothing which would have helped me convince him of staying with me.
So either fate liked you or not. And it seemed to like me.
I went rigid when I felt wetness spreading. Careful not to do anything wrong I put his hand off my belly, pulled his leg up a bit and turned around.
He had dug his face into the pillow so that only half of his face was visible. His eyes were tightly shut and tears were trickling down his cheek when he sighed from time to time. He was all of a tremble and clenching the sheets when another crying fit hit him.
It was so awful to watch that I decided to wake him up, it was obvious that he didn’t enjoy this dream and that he couldn’t escape it on his own so I had to help him wake up. I put my hand on his shoulder and gently shook him so that he maybe would open his eyes because of this. But he didn’t, he needed more to be torn from the chains which held him tightly in this place where he was just suffering.
I whispered his name, softly and insistently and still shook him. And this finally worked.
He opened his eyes all of a sudden and jerked up into the air. And if I hadn’t known about the face he had made before then I would have died because of the one he made now: He looked so damn confused and out of his mind that it was already cute again. He lifted a hand and lightly wiped over his cheek and then stared at his hand which now was wet from his tears. Then, with a helpless mien he turned his head and looked at me to silently ask me what he had dreamed.
And this was the moment which let me smile, he couldn’t remember the dream. Just the bad feeling of it was left and this was much easier to allay and banish than the annoying memory of the nightmare itself.
I leaned forward and hugged him, he was totally perplexed and I didn’t feel his hands on my back but I was sure that he needed this now.
Some comfort, some consoling silence, some just being there. I heard him sighing once again, unwittingly, then he shyly wound his arms round my back as well and then did something which let me fall down from my little cloud. Which shook me to the core, tore reality apart for a second to show me indescribability behind it and let me melt on the inside while the heat of those little but so meaningful three words seeped into me.
Never I would have expected him to do that. Not even after years.
And this nearly made me cry as well, sentimentality and bliss struck me and shook me to finally give in and release my hot tears. I embraced him more tightly, I nearly squeezed him so much that I tore the breath from him but he let me do it without any sign of discomfort or embarrassment.
This was the point where I could be the one I was and where he could be the one he was, where we didn’t have to hide anything anymore and where we began to get free.
Slowly and carefully.
All the beauty, hope and joy of the world must have gathered in this moment in this house of hell where two men were confessing their true feelings and hugging each other so shamelessly and honestly.
But then Sanzo showed me that he wanted to breathe properly again and I drew back. He looked at me with eyes like feathers, so light after they had been freed of the weights which let them look dark and heavy. But he turned his head and got up, took a little bag from under the bed and began putting some things of his drawer into the bag.
“I…gonna tell the keeper now that I’ll leave, I think I…”, he turned around and smiled at me, “I’m ready now.”
I sniffed in self-contentment and happiness and got up as well to put on my clothes. Then I sat down on the bed again and waited for him to finish his little collection. When I saw the black lipstick disappearing in the depths of the bag I smirked. I’d tell him how marvellous he looked with that.
After another minute he was done and showed me that he was ready to go downstairs and finally say good-bye.
While going down I still couldn’t believe it…how things had turned out…that I was really walking behind him and that he’d be free in a minute and come with me and -the most incredible thing of this whole situation- that he finally really loved me.
Down there I leaned against a wall to give him mental assistance. He called for the man and after a minute he came. Now just say some words, kiss him out of politeness and wish him a good life and then leave. Fine.
“What?!”, he screamed, “w h a t ? !”
Sanzo was standing there in front of me and showing me his back, glaring at him and affirming him that he hadn’t misunderstood him.
“And this is how you’re expressing your gratitude to me? Leaving me?! When I had given you shelter, when I’ve taken you without any questions and let you even have your own room? But this is just so typical, you goddamn whores don’t know where your place is. I let you buy the things you wanted to have it comfortable there and now you’re telling me that you’re off? After all I’ve done for you?”
Sanzo was still standing there, firmly and motionlessly, not saying anything. This was probably going to be more than just say some words, kiss him, wish him something and leave.
“I’m just leading this establishment, especially your room and offering because so many people ask for it, so many sick bastards, paedophiles, voyeurs, sadists, you sick brood, this is so disgusting but damn it, what a lucrative job…”, he smiled devilishly but quickly relapsed into his invidiousness.
“You sick fuck, you don’t know how much you disgust me…fuck men, women, no matter what I’m bringing you, doing everything they want without the slightest complaint and even enjoying this as well!!”
Sanzo had wet his lips and then turned his face away a bit so that I couldn’t look at him anymore but so that he still could face him.
“I let you have everything you wanted and now you’re cheating on me with that…poor crossbreed? You’re sick in your head, you know, taking this little shit instead of continuing fucking and serving, mopping the floor with your knees, just where you belong…but maybe your friend is just the same, suits you well-”
He had gripped the collar of the man’s chemise, holding it up a bit to force him to lift his head and also stare at him.
“You…dare…do that?”, the man said in a half amused and half threatening voice, “Just like I said, you whores don’t know your places…”
Sanzo had let go of him after the slap; it had hit him hard in the face and he even staggered a bit to catch his balance again. I expected him to turn mad now, kill that guy with just his gaze…but instead of this he just stood there with his head bent and his hair covering his eyes.
“Acting up, aren’t you? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so cheeky and reluctant, normally you spread your legs widely apart for everyone who’s just paying, right? Whipping them, giving them a blowjob, fisting them, whatever they demand, also getting chained to the bed, standing the touch of the men who want to grope you and have the victim lying there and just getting off by watching it twisting in its chains…”
I noticed him clenching a fist, not tightly but some sign of embarrassment…or anger or …I didn’t know. And I really didn’t want to intervene in this, if Sanzo had wanted to leave him, interrupt him by just saying ‘Good bye’ and turn his back on him he’d have done that.
“And don’t tell me that you haven’t enjoyed it, I often have heard your screams of pleasure even down there, clearly and still loudly, whatever sick perversion you have to be part of you enjoy it…you disgust me so much.
And then, in the end, coming to me and telling me that you’ve found another sick asshole which you want to marry and with which you want to have children? I have tolerated your work, your way of pleasing people but under the condition that you’ve always been humble and a slave to me when I command you to do something-”
He stared at him for a moment, then continued.
It was horrible to listen to this. And if this sounded horrible to me, how miserable must Sanzo have felt then.
“Oh well, I should have known better when looking at you for the first time. You were beautiful indeed and you had a nice ass but nothing more, you were a wreck when you came to me and I still wonder why I’ve agreed on giving you shelter.
But, on the other side you can go, leave me, yes, I don’t have any use for you anymore, your ass is totally withered, you don’t have any stamina anymore and you’ve lost weight again, go and join him.
Yeah, speaking of which,” he lifted his head to talk rather to me than to him, “he’s been as thin as a leaf when he has come to me but people complained about it, they wanted something to grab, make bleed and you know what he has done? Just put up some weight. The opinion of these people was more important to him than his own taste, those distorted and disfigured curves are the result of his own stupidity.
Why do you think he’s wearing that fabric, hah? I tell you, every time he’s taking it off he has to put on some lotion because he’s getting a rash on his hands and belly, he’s got allergic to it while wearing this shit so often.
And why? Why?! Because people get turned on by watching him moving in this!”
He took a handful of Sanzo’s top and pulled him closer again. He let it happen.
“You’re so deplorable, why do you think he’s painting his face? To fucking attract attention, catch the looks of others, invite them up to his little room of sick perversion where he’s going to satisfy the poor needs of all those assholes, he’s just wearing this lipstick because he’s such a sick psychopath, trying to hide that from others by building up a façade with this make-up”
With this he smacked him again so that he fell down on the floor. I swallowed and took a step back.
Why didn’t he defend himself from these…awful words, why didn’t he speak up…tell him how it really was…
“You don’t deserve anything better than this asshole anyway, no beautiful woman with big breasts and a nice face, just such a rotten half-breed, that’s so typical…”, he sneered.
I stared down at the floor…he didn’t defend himself from these words because they were true. When the man started to walk towards me again he had quickly got up and placed himself in front of me.
“What…defending your little catch from me? There’s no need to do that but when you’re up then you can show him your beautiful scar, will you?”
He had gripped his chin, squeezed his mouth and made him look like a fish, then he turned him around to let me look at him. And I couldn’t avert my eyes, this picture burnt itself into my mind…he looked so helpless, so lost and desperate, he tried to lift his hands to try to loosen his grip but this was of no use.
“There, just under his chin, right side, you see…”
I saw it. Long and…gaping, looking after too much pain than to be looked at much longer.
“Hah, you know why it’s there? Comes from his sick games, they didn’t watch out and cut his throat while fucking him from behind and the other side. They had played with knives, when that bastard with his pockets full of money had left my house he was covered with red even still bleeding weals all over his body, he had jerked off while that little whore had cut his skin.
And who had to clean up after them? That sick fuck in front of me was lying on the floor, making it dirty with his blood which even still kept trickling from his throat. I had to bring him to the doctor, I had to pay for that…but this just served him right. When you do such a job you have to accept being hurt as well.”
He shoved him away and he staggered again and landed on the floor with his knees.
“You’re so pathetic, not knowing anything better than fucking and hurting people for the whole day, you really deserve a wretched death, anyway, I wonder why the gods have given birth to such people, destroying their own race with those stupidities and sick games, I really wonder why.
Maybe to give them what they deserve, they must have been leading endlessly shitty lives before so that they get reborn with such a sorry fate…”
He took a step forward and kicked him into his guts. The hate that men felt towards him was breathtaking.
“Now I have to look for another whore like you who’s going to whip and fuck the people, shoving their cocks into the dirtiest holes the world has ever seen, filling the most awfully smelling asses this world has to offer and not giving a damn as long as you also get off, that’s sickening.
But this is nothing more than you really deserve for your twisted mind, you cocksucker.”
Sanzo had coughed and now held his belly. I couldn’t stand this any longer, why, gods, why didn’t he get up and shouted at him, hit him…did something…
“He’s crying at night, crying his goddamn little soul off because he knows exactly how many things he’s doing wrong, how wicked this is. He’s lying on his bed, wanking and crying to ease his pain and soothe his soul with more outrages and every time I have to listen to his cries in misery, they are so loud that they are even audible down there. And he doesn’t stop…just doesn’t stop, the next day he’ll fuck those poor creatures again like nothing had happened at night…this all is one single act of desperation, hurting himself at day and trying to get over it at night.”
Sanzo whined and shifted in discomfort. This didn’t suit him, absolutely not.
As much as I wanted to help him, take a step, call on my Shakujyo, tear this sick bastard apart and cause him as much pain as possible before he’d die…this wasn’t my battle. I couldn’t fight for him.
“This serves him so right…leading his life in pain and misery for the sins he’s committing every day anew, adding more and more to his list and finally one day choking on them, I’m glad that you take him, at least he won’t make my sheets dirty when he cuts his wrists…
Every night…every goddamn night when every guest had left him and he was alone I had to listen to his cries, his screams in such a misery that I thought he killed himself every night…and his cries of pain…they let me jerk every time that other mood started, every goddamn night he cried and called a name in his deepest pain, I’M SICK OF THAT!! I wish you good luck, my friend, to stand those sick emotions of his, he’ll wake you every night, be assured of that.”
Sanzo was kneeling on the floor, clenching his flanks while still trying to bend his head and press it through the floor. I was so horror-struck, so aghast that I couldn’t even look up anymore.
“He’s masturbating like this isn’t enough what he gets during the day, this sick little rabbit, first fucking all day long, then still rubbing his dick because he can’t get enough of it and the worst, crying and shouting as well, every time calling that fucking name for the whole night, every time crying out ‘Gojyo! Gojyo!’, heaven knows where this sick little fuck is but every time, crying out ‘Help me, s-”
“ENOUGH!!!”
I had jerked at that sudden loud shout and the man as well, he was baffled.
“This is enough, ENOUGH!!”, he hoarsely screamed and stood up with moves like a snake, straightening and facing the man. I even heard him panting from one meter of distance.
With a jerk so quick that I thought I had dreamed that he had got forward and gripped the man’s shirt again.
“You…won’t destroy my life again, I won’t let you talk such bullshit about him, he may be a half-breed, so what!! He may be sick, as sick as I am but this.is.none.of.your.business, NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT WE’RE DOING WITH OUR LIVES!!! If you have a problem with that sickness why don’t you leave this house, hmh? Hah, no…the money binds you to this house of hell, the money...is making you greedy and spoiled, you aren’t any better than I am and you are the last one who has the right to spread such things about me. Now let me tell you something, I’m not doing this because of the money, it’s…”
He stopped for a moment like this was a sore spot he had hit himself but this couldn’t prevent him from continuing his accusation.
“You wouldn’t understand anyway, I’m sick of you, I’m wasting my time here. And yes, I will marry him and have children, I will fuck him every day if he wants, I will serve him in my deepest love, from head to toe I will be his and I’m not giving a fuck whether you like that or not or whether this is considered as sick or right or anything, I will do what will please me.
Call it irony or whatever I will be his whore, I will be everything he needs or wants, I will add more sins to my list for him, fine, but I will do it for HIM only!”
He let go, swallowed hard and struggled for breath. The man had nearly fallen down, he was so perplexed that he even had difficulties in standing now.
“You know what? You can keep the things I bought, everything, I don’t want to be reminded of this goddamn time here anyway, but I will take one thing with me, only one thing if permitted”
Suddenly he turned around and went up the stairs, I suppose up to his room.
I bent my head to look at the floor but I couldn’t suppress the urge to look up at the man. He was leaning against the wall, looking stunned and even a bit reflective. Maybe nobody had dared to speak to him like this until now…good that Sanzo had done that, maybe he’d change his mind now and if it was just a bit.
I heard Sanzo coming down now and when I lifted my gaze I noticed the necklet he had put on.
He stopped in front of the man and with a sneer, disgusted and derisive, he put his hand into one of his pockets and took out a leash. He let the carabiner click and now he was chained up like a dog.
“I. Will do. What will please ME”, he hissed at him, “and if it is being led on this chain by the one I adore, I’m humiliating myself, I don’t need any other fucker to do that, I only want him to accept it and take the end of that leash. And I don’t give a fuck about your little narrow-minded soul, my poor friend. Thanks for the coffee you made me every morning, thanks for the false pity, thank you for those false consoling words, thank you for your goddamn false compassionate gaze, thank you for everything and nothing!!”
With this he took the bag, pressed the end of the leash into my hand and left the room by dragging me with him.
And this picture was such a typical one, its meaning should become a normality in our everyday life.
Still leading and obeying at the same time.
When he had stepped into the cool air outside that house he took several steps until he stopped on a porch of a café.
I still stumbled forward to catch up with him but he turned around and without allowing me to take a look at his face he embraced me, tightly and desperately. And I didn’t have a choice, I had to stand it, stand his misery and pain seeping into me, getting part of me and involving me as well.
He stood there for a minute like that, not doing anything nor saying anything but then he had recovered his voice, shy and desperate.
“Every…word he…”, he swallowed to suppress something, “he had said is true. I’m a…fallen sinner, maybe the worst of all these people, I don’t have any morality left…and…everything which is keeping me together, making me stand up in the morning and forcing me to keep on breathing and eating is…that is…just you…with your smile and friendly eyes and your helping hand whenever there was one needed…I’m so sorry for what I’ve become, I’m…”, he gulped and I felt tears wetting his face, also making mine wet because he held his head pressed against my cheek.
“Maybe I’m not worth you, like he had said.”
I already inhaled to say something against this screaming shit but he didn’t let me, he immediately began talking again.
“All those months I had wished so much to meet you…somewhere…everywhere…only to catch a glimpse of you when you maybe would sit there and drink your coffee…I had wished to see you and feel some part of myself being saved, some part brightening, and some part sucking in the strength your sight would have given me…to continue…living…”
I stroked over his face to help him bear his emotions which all seemed to break through at once.
“I beg you so much to take me with you, I’m conscious of that you’ve asked me to come with you but this had been when you hadn’t known yet about my…personality and failures…I’m just begging you once again to just take me, keep me for your own pleasure as a pet on a leash or as something else, just what you like, but please…don’t shove me away…don’t let me die there again…over and over again…”
He spoke such nonsense…and he was fully conscious of the meaning of these stupid words which hurt me even more. Gods, I’d rather kill myself before shoving him away. So I just squeezed him tighter and he sighed, exhausted from crying and that mental pressure.
This was so different from yesterday…how he had behaved in his latex and with his make-up and how he was behaving now. There was so much more lying beneath the surface of the pretty face and body which could be wounded so easily…
“Stop talking nonsense, you idiot…”
He was silent, crying and holding me who held him and slowly eased the pain which he had carried with him for these months.
“I…I’m not wearing the make-up to attract people’s attention, I’m…wearing it because I like myself with that…”, he said like out of the blue, reluctantly and hoarsely.
“And I don’t…put that lotion on my arms because I’m allergic to that fabric, I just suffer from sensitive and stressed skin and I…I’m sorry that I look so disfigured now, I’ll try to get that straight as soon as possible if-”
“Look, honey, I don’t give a damn about what that man has said, okay? Don’t try anything and keep living like you have before, don’t change. Now let’s sit down and have some coffee, my pelvis and ass are killing me.”
He looked up with guilty eyes.
Maybe I had chosen a too harsh voice but I had to struggle not to scream at him for what he had said.
“I’m sorry for that…”, he said with eyes cast down.
I just smiled at him and while leading him to a table I told him that I wouldn’t have wanted him to behave differently.
“So has this really been your first time?”, he asked and seemed pretty interested in that subject.
I had hoped that he’d keep silence about it after mentioning this when I was tied to the bed but my virginity obviously bothered him. I stared at him and while thinking about how to tell him and what to say so as not to embarrass me even more he closed his eyes and leaned back.
“I feel absolutely honoured that you have let me do that.”
I would have expected him to make fun of me, to sneer at me and jibe at me because I’ve always been boasting about how many ladies I had already slept with and what a gentlemen and badass I was.
But he accepted that, he had answered me something at which I could nothing but smile. He knew, and hell if he didn’t know then no one did, that every man in this world had to bear his own private little problems and difficulties. You could merely take the hand which was offered to you or you could stay where you were and try sort out your life on your own, and probably fail.
We both had taken the hands, admitted and accepted that we needed help and ready to change in order to lead a better life.
Could I have imagined a better start with our relationship than this one?
Certainly not.
“Espresso.”
My dreams were torn apart by his voice when he had ordered his coffee. I looked up and ordered mine as well.
Then I tilted my head and stared at his face, trying to make sense of his mixture of a smile and smirk.
He seemed so totally happy now, like he had left behind all his grief and sorrows, like he had chained his fears and pain to the bed where others should take it now deliberately. Like a never-ending circle.
Which only could be broken by yourself, you had to have the guts to refuse to carry on with it.
“So what about that squishing thing now…would you like to do that?”
He was so perfect. He was able to confound love, lust and affection so well that it was difficult to pick one of those three and treat it separately from the others. Maybe one would have thought that he only thought about sex, even now when he had just escaped hell where this was practiced.
But I knew, and this was important, that this was just the wrapping of his love for me.
Some people liked to wrap their love up in blue or rose paper, some liked to wrap it up in cellophane and others like us liked to wrap it up in bonds.
Bonds which couldn’t be cut through by scissors, which kept the content together, prevented it from falling apart like a stomacher, backing and supporting it and by slowly tightening around it as well so that it became tight so that there was not much space left between these two people but just so much of it that there was, apart from one, only space for one single more person. And it did what it was supposed to do: Tying up, eliminating your freedom, tightening your devotion and squeezing your reason to death so that only your soul remained there which had already taken the colour of the other.
And all around that piece of dark wrapped up love was wound a little rose ribbon, saying ‘Fuck you’ to whoever dared to look at it from outside this comfortable prison.
I looked at him for another moment to enjoy this look of his, then I put my hand on his and smirked.
“Of course. Everything you want to show me…”
_________
It must have been two hours later when I had woken up. The fire of the candles had gone out but there was still some noise coming from downstairs…logically that kind of establishment was open from 8 p.m. to 9 a.m. to guarantee some guests who had spent the night there some more time before they got thrown out.
Sanzo’s hand was still lying on my hip and I listened to his calm and constant breathing. He was still asleep so nothing special had woken me.
But I felt the need to go the toilet…well…or check my parts down there whether everything was alright.
I carefully moved away from him and sat up. That darkness wasn’t normal. The curtains were drawn and didn’t let any moonlight shine through the windows indeed but that blackness which was lying in front of me was even to thick for my Youkai senses than to be looked through. But I was determined to get to a bath somewhere, if I didn’t find any in his room I’d look for it downstairs.
When I left the bed I couldn’t avoid the little mattress quake and Sanzo sighed and lifted his head.
But he couldn’t see me, the darkness was too black for him as well.
“Gojyo…?”
“Yeah, I’m here…”
“What…is something wrong? Do you suffer pain?”, he said worriedly.
“No, no, it’s alright, it’s just…do you have a toilet somewhere in there?”
“Oh sure…it’s on the other side of the room just straight in front of you, the…second door at your right side.”
I heard him lying down after this again.
Well…I’d find that goddamn loo, sure. I walked into the direction where I assumed the ‘in front of you’ and everything went well until I felt a different floor appearing under my feet. While the one around the bed was made of wood this one was cool and tiled.
The breath was drawn from me when I felt something digging into the pit of my stomach, I had hurried and not walked very slowly to get to the toilet so this hadn’t been a good idea. Sanzo must have heard me gulping from there and I heard the sheets rustling again.
“Gojyo? What do you have?”
“Gh…nothing, I just…well…”
I tried to get an idea of what that thing was which was preventing me from my toilet by touching it. Cool leather…a kind of cushion about some centimetres thick lying on a framing made of steel…
“What the fuck is that…I bumped into somethin’…”
“The gynaecological chair?“
“How shall I know!”
“Wait...I’ll turn on the light.”
And the light was turned on. The big black chandelier in the middle of the room flooded the room with such a bright light that I cried out in annoyance and shut my eyes.
“Damn…Sanzo…why not the little red lamp near the bed…gods…”
“Sorry”, I heard him devilishly calling over.
“Oh my…”, I mumbled and smirked. I tried to open my eyes now but only slits were possible, otherwise it still would have hurt too much.
It was indeed the gynaecological fuck I had slammed into my belly. But I turned and went to the second door to my right.
“No, wait, it’s…the second one to your left…”
I smiled at that, we were just two of a kind…
So I headed for this one and I really found the bathroom there. Black and red like it was also supposed to be a place for some other games.
I switched on the light which wasn’t so bright anymore and looked down at myself in the mirror. But the parts which I had wanted to take a look at lay below the mirror so I took my balls into my hand and lifted them a bit to glance at them.
Dark red was sticking on them, dried blood which had already crusted. Well, this wouldn’t be such a problem, this would heal in some days.
I left the mirror and went to the loo to have a pee.
After that I switched off the light and stepped into the brighter one to get back to the bed. I stopped in front of it to take a look at Sanzo.
He seemed like having fallen asleep again, he lay there with the blanket covering his hip but leaving his feet and abdomen exposed to me…he looked so lovely…and the look on his face…gods…so different from the one I had seen when he had hurt me.
He sighed shortly and opened his eyes. But instead of lifting his head he just turned them on me to invite me to join him there again.
I smiled, lifted the duvet to lie down and the second I touched the sheets he immediately wound his limbs round me like a cuttlefish, pulling me closer to take care of his victim and food.
With one hand he reached out to switch off the light and the moment I heard the click from the switch the familiar, even more comfortable darkness fell down on us again.
A darkness in which nothing was seen by eyes which weren’t supposed to see, in which everything could be done and just nothing was wrong.
________________________
When I woke up in the morning it was still dark, the curtains were still drawn but the sky must have been clouded because it was unusually dark in there. After getting conscious of what my life currently looked like I closed my eyes again and squeezed his arm a bit tighter. Maybe I hadn’t woken up yet.
He had told me that if I waited for him he’d pack his bags and leave this house to join me. Join me and my way of life. Leave this place where he had everything he needed and wanted and join me where he would always be on the run. I didn’t know whether he’d love that other life so much as to stay with me forever.
Now I felt the latex of his gloves rubbing against my belly…he hadn’t even taken off his clothes. At least some of them which hadn’t prevented him from fucking me. He nuzzled something into my hair and put his leg over my ass.
Never on earth I would have thought that I’d meet him there. And actually at that time when I had planned to get a bit more experienced before offering him my ass or my cock, whatever he desired.
If he had desired anything at all. Because it was not a given that he’d accept that, that he even would look at me when I called his name after months when we didn’t belong to the one and only group anymore.
I had been so careless, I had just run into hell without asking for the way.
If I had seen him then, with a girl or another man besides him, holding hands and kissing I’d have…somehow killed myself. He had always treated me like some dirty half-breed, some ordinary low class pervert, I had heard him calling me the sick asshole often enough so as to be assured of what he thought about me.
And when I now remembered the second he had seen me and then what had followed, how he had looked at me while being closer, closer because of I dare to say love and not money, I had to smile then. He had been ready to do that when he could have called someone else and he had accepted me as an equal man in the end.
It was weird that I had had to lie in a darkroom, chained to the bed and waiting for someone to hurt me so that I had finally reached what I had been longed for…
When I had thought that he’d do everything but whip me and do what was written on the sheet which implicated closeness which he hadn’t seem to be used to he had done everything and far more than I had thought he was capable of.
Which, in the end, meant that he lacked of the same things as I did. But still in a bit different way because he had everything he needed for this when I had had nothing which would have helped me convince him of staying with me.
So either fate liked you or not. And it seemed to like me.
I went rigid when I felt wetness spreading. Careful not to do anything wrong I put his hand off my belly, pulled his leg up a bit and turned around.
He had dug his face into the pillow so that only half of his face was visible. His eyes were tightly shut and tears were trickling down his cheek when he sighed from time to time. He was all of a tremble and clenching the sheets when another crying fit hit him.
It was so awful to watch that I decided to wake him up, it was obvious that he didn’t enjoy this dream and that he couldn’t escape it on his own so I had to help him wake up. I put my hand on his shoulder and gently shook him so that he maybe would open his eyes because of this. But he didn’t, he needed more to be torn from the chains which held him tightly in this place where he was just suffering.
I whispered his name, softly and insistently and still shook him. And this finally worked.
He opened his eyes all of a sudden and jerked up into the air. And if I hadn’t known about the face he had made before then I would have died because of the one he made now: He looked so damn confused and out of his mind that it was already cute again. He lifted a hand and lightly wiped over his cheek and then stared at his hand which now was wet from his tears. Then, with a helpless mien he turned his head and looked at me to silently ask me what he had dreamed.
And this was the moment which let me smile, he couldn’t remember the dream. Just the bad feeling of it was left and this was much easier to allay and banish than the annoying memory of the nightmare itself.
I leaned forward and hugged him, he was totally perplexed and I didn’t feel his hands on my back but I was sure that he needed this now.
Some comfort, some consoling silence, some just being there. I heard him sighing once again, unwittingly, then he shyly wound his arms round my back as well and then did something which let me fall down from my little cloud. Which shook me to the core, tore reality apart for a second to show me indescribability behind it and let me melt on the inside while the heat of those little but so meaningful three words seeped into me.
Never I would have expected him to do that. Not even after years.
And this nearly made me cry as well, sentimentality and bliss struck me and shook me to finally give in and release my hot tears. I embraced him more tightly, I nearly squeezed him so much that I tore the breath from him but he let me do it without any sign of discomfort or embarrassment.
This was the point where I could be the one I was and where he could be the one he was, where we didn’t have to hide anything anymore and where we began to get free.
Slowly and carefully.
All the beauty, hope and joy of the world must have gathered in this moment in this house of hell where two men were confessing their true feelings and hugging each other so shamelessly and honestly.
But then Sanzo showed me that he wanted to breathe properly again and I drew back. He looked at me with eyes like feathers, so light after they had been freed of the weights which let them look dark and heavy. But he turned his head and got up, took a little bag from under the bed and began putting some things of his drawer into the bag.
“I…gonna tell the keeper now that I’ll leave, I think I…”, he turned around and smiled at me, “I’m ready now.”
I sniffed in self-contentment and happiness and got up as well to put on my clothes. Then I sat down on the bed again and waited for him to finish his little collection. When I saw the black lipstick disappearing in the depths of the bag I smirked. I’d tell him how marvellous he looked with that.
After another minute he was done and showed me that he was ready to go downstairs and finally say good-bye.
While going down I still couldn’t believe it…how things had turned out…that I was really walking behind him and that he’d be free in a minute and come with me and -the most incredible thing of this whole situation- that he finally really loved me.
Down there I leaned against a wall to give him mental assistance. He called for the man and after a minute he came. Now just say some words, kiss him out of politeness and wish him a good life and then leave. Fine.
“What?!”, he screamed, “w h a t ? !”
Sanzo was standing there in front of me and showing me his back, glaring at him and affirming him that he hadn’t misunderstood him.
“And this is how you’re expressing your gratitude to me? Leaving me?! When I had given you shelter, when I’ve taken you without any questions and let you even have your own room? But this is just so typical, you goddamn whores don’t know where your place is. I let you buy the things you wanted to have it comfortable there and now you’re telling me that you’re off? After all I’ve done for you?”
Sanzo was still standing there, firmly and motionlessly, not saying anything. This was probably going to be more than just say some words, kiss him, wish him something and leave.
“I’m just leading this establishment, especially your room and offering because so many people ask for it, so many sick bastards, paedophiles, voyeurs, sadists, you sick brood, this is so disgusting but damn it, what a lucrative job…”, he smiled devilishly but quickly relapsed into his invidiousness.
“You sick fuck, you don’t know how much you disgust me…fuck men, women, no matter what I’m bringing you, doing everything they want without the slightest complaint and even enjoying this as well!!”
Sanzo had wet his lips and then turned his face away a bit so that I couldn’t look at him anymore but so that he still could face him.
“I let you have everything you wanted and now you’re cheating on me with that…poor crossbreed? You’re sick in your head, you know, taking this little shit instead of continuing fucking and serving, mopping the floor with your knees, just where you belong…but maybe your friend is just the same, suits you well-”
He had gripped the collar of the man’s chemise, holding it up a bit to force him to lift his head and also stare at him.
“You…dare…do that?”, the man said in a half amused and half threatening voice, “Just like I said, you whores don’t know your places…”
Sanzo had let go of him after the slap; it had hit him hard in the face and he even staggered a bit to catch his balance again. I expected him to turn mad now, kill that guy with just his gaze…but instead of this he just stood there with his head bent and his hair covering his eyes.
“Acting up, aren’t you? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so cheeky and reluctant, normally you spread your legs widely apart for everyone who’s just paying, right? Whipping them, giving them a blowjob, fisting them, whatever they demand, also getting chained to the bed, standing the touch of the men who want to grope you and have the victim lying there and just getting off by watching it twisting in its chains…”
I noticed him clenching a fist, not tightly but some sign of embarrassment…or anger or …I didn’t know. And I really didn’t want to intervene in this, if Sanzo had wanted to leave him, interrupt him by just saying ‘Good bye’ and turn his back on him he’d have done that.
“And don’t tell me that you haven’t enjoyed it, I often have heard your screams of pleasure even down there, clearly and still loudly, whatever sick perversion you have to be part of you enjoy it…you disgust me so much.
And then, in the end, coming to me and telling me that you’ve found another sick asshole which you want to marry and with which you want to have children? I have tolerated your work, your way of pleasing people but under the condition that you’ve always been humble and a slave to me when I command you to do something-”
He stared at him for a moment, then continued.
It was horrible to listen to this. And if this sounded horrible to me, how miserable must Sanzo have felt then.
“Oh well, I should have known better when looking at you for the first time. You were beautiful indeed and you had a nice ass but nothing more, you were a wreck when you came to me and I still wonder why I’ve agreed on giving you shelter.
But, on the other side you can go, leave me, yes, I don’t have any use for you anymore, your ass is totally withered, you don’t have any stamina anymore and you’ve lost weight again, go and join him.
Yeah, speaking of which,” he lifted his head to talk rather to me than to him, “he’s been as thin as a leaf when he has come to me but people complained about it, they wanted something to grab, make bleed and you know what he has done? Just put up some weight. The opinion of these people was more important to him than his own taste, those distorted and disfigured curves are the result of his own stupidity.
Why do you think he’s wearing that fabric, hah? I tell you, every time he’s taking it off he has to put on some lotion because he’s getting a rash on his hands and belly, he’s got allergic to it while wearing this shit so often.
And why? Why?! Because people get turned on by watching him moving in this!”
He took a handful of Sanzo’s top and pulled him closer again. He let it happen.
“You’re so deplorable, why do you think he’s painting his face? To fucking attract attention, catch the looks of others, invite them up to his little room of sick perversion where he’s going to satisfy the poor needs of all those assholes, he’s just wearing this lipstick because he’s such a sick psychopath, trying to hide that from others by building up a façade with this make-up”
With this he smacked him again so that he fell down on the floor. I swallowed and took a step back.
Why didn’t he defend himself from these…awful words, why didn’t he speak up…tell him how it really was…
“You don’t deserve anything better than this asshole anyway, no beautiful woman with big breasts and a nice face, just such a rotten half-breed, that’s so typical…”, he sneered.
I stared down at the floor…he didn’t defend himself from these words because they were true. When the man started to walk towards me again he had quickly got up and placed himself in front of me.
“What…defending your little catch from me? There’s no need to do that but when you’re up then you can show him your beautiful scar, will you?”
He had gripped his chin, squeezed his mouth and made him look like a fish, then he turned him around to let me look at him. And I couldn’t avert my eyes, this picture burnt itself into my mind…he looked so helpless, so lost and desperate, he tried to lift his hands to try to loosen his grip but this was of no use.
“There, just under his chin, right side, you see…”
I saw it. Long and…gaping, looking after too much pain than to be looked at much longer.
“Hah, you know why it’s there? Comes from his sick games, they didn’t watch out and cut his throat while fucking him from behind and the other side. They had played with knives, when that bastard with his pockets full of money had left my house he was covered with red even still bleeding weals all over his body, he had jerked off while that little whore had cut his skin.
And who had to clean up after them? That sick fuck in front of me was lying on the floor, making it dirty with his blood which even still kept trickling from his throat. I had to bring him to the doctor, I had to pay for that…but this just served him right. When you do such a job you have to accept being hurt as well.”
He shoved him away and he staggered again and landed on the floor with his knees.
“You’re so pathetic, not knowing anything better than fucking and hurting people for the whole day, you really deserve a wretched death, anyway, I wonder why the gods have given birth to such people, destroying their own race with those stupidities and sick games, I really wonder why.
Maybe to give them what they deserve, they must have been leading endlessly shitty lives before so that they get reborn with such a sorry fate…”
He took a step forward and kicked him into his guts. The hate that men felt towards him was breathtaking.
“Now I have to look for another whore like you who’s going to whip and fuck the people, shoving their cocks into the dirtiest holes the world has ever seen, filling the most awfully smelling asses this world has to offer and not giving a damn as long as you also get off, that’s sickening.
But this is nothing more than you really deserve for your twisted mind, you cocksucker.”
Sanzo had coughed and now held his belly. I couldn’t stand this any longer, why, gods, why didn’t he get up and shouted at him, hit him…did something…
“He’s crying at night, crying his goddamn little soul off because he knows exactly how many things he’s doing wrong, how wicked this is. He’s lying on his bed, wanking and crying to ease his pain and soothe his soul with more outrages and every time I have to listen to his cries in misery, they are so loud that they are even audible down there. And he doesn’t stop…just doesn’t stop, the next day he’ll fuck those poor creatures again like nothing had happened at night…this all is one single act of desperation, hurting himself at day and trying to get over it at night.”
Sanzo whined and shifted in discomfort. This didn’t suit him, absolutely not.
As much as I wanted to help him, take a step, call on my Shakujyo, tear this sick bastard apart and cause him as much pain as possible before he’d die…this wasn’t my battle. I couldn’t fight for him.
“This serves him so right…leading his life in pain and misery for the sins he’s committing every day anew, adding more and more to his list and finally one day choking on them, I’m glad that you take him, at least he won’t make my sheets dirty when he cuts his wrists…
Every night…every goddamn night when every guest had left him and he was alone I had to listen to his cries, his screams in such a misery that I thought he killed himself every night…and his cries of pain…they let me jerk every time that other mood started, every goddamn night he cried and called a name in his deepest pain, I’M SICK OF THAT!! I wish you good luck, my friend, to stand those sick emotions of his, he’ll wake you every night, be assured of that.”
Sanzo was kneeling on the floor, clenching his flanks while still trying to bend his head and press it through the floor. I was so horror-struck, so aghast that I couldn’t even look up anymore.
“He’s masturbating like this isn’t enough what he gets during the day, this sick little rabbit, first fucking all day long, then still rubbing his dick because he can’t get enough of it and the worst, crying and shouting as well, every time calling that fucking name for the whole night, every time crying out ‘Gojyo! Gojyo!’, heaven knows where this sick little fuck is but every time, crying out ‘Help me, s-”
“ENOUGH!!!”
I had jerked at that sudden loud shout and the man as well, he was baffled.
“This is enough, ENOUGH!!”, he hoarsely screamed and stood up with moves like a snake, straightening and facing the man. I even heard him panting from one meter of distance.
With a jerk so quick that I thought I had dreamed that he had got forward and gripped the man’s shirt again.
“You…won’t destroy my life again, I won’t let you talk such bullshit about him, he may be a half-breed, so what!! He may be sick, as sick as I am but this.is.none.of.your.business, NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT WE’RE DOING WITH OUR LIVES!!! If you have a problem with that sickness why don’t you leave this house, hmh? Hah, no…the money binds you to this house of hell, the money...is making you greedy and spoiled, you aren’t any better than I am and you are the last one who has the right to spread such things about me. Now let me tell you something, I’m not doing this because of the money, it’s…”
He stopped for a moment like this was a sore spot he had hit himself but this couldn’t prevent him from continuing his accusation.
“You wouldn’t understand anyway, I’m sick of you, I’m wasting my time here. And yes, I will marry him and have children, I will fuck him every day if he wants, I will serve him in my deepest love, from head to toe I will be his and I’m not giving a fuck whether you like that or not or whether this is considered as sick or right or anything, I will do what will please me.
Call it irony or whatever I will be his whore, I will be everything he needs or wants, I will add more sins to my list for him, fine, but I will do it for HIM only!”
He let go, swallowed hard and struggled for breath. The man had nearly fallen down, he was so perplexed that he even had difficulties in standing now.
“You know what? You can keep the things I bought, everything, I don’t want to be reminded of this goddamn time here anyway, but I will take one thing with me, only one thing if permitted”
Suddenly he turned around and went up the stairs, I suppose up to his room.
I bent my head to look at the floor but I couldn’t suppress the urge to look up at the man. He was leaning against the wall, looking stunned and even a bit reflective. Maybe nobody had dared to speak to him like this until now…good that Sanzo had done that, maybe he’d change his mind now and if it was just a bit.
I heard Sanzo coming down now and when I lifted my gaze I noticed the necklet he had put on.
He stopped in front of the man and with a sneer, disgusted and derisive, he put his hand into one of his pockets and took out a leash. He let the carabiner click and now he was chained up like a dog.
“I. Will do. What will please ME”, he hissed at him, “and if it is being led on this chain by the one I adore, I’m humiliating myself, I don’t need any other fucker to do that, I only want him to accept it and take the end of that leash. And I don’t give a fuck about your little narrow-minded soul, my poor friend. Thanks for the coffee you made me every morning, thanks for the false pity, thank you for those false consoling words, thank you for your goddamn false compassionate gaze, thank you for everything and nothing!!”
With this he took the bag, pressed the end of the leash into my hand and left the room by dragging me with him.
And this picture was such a typical one, its meaning should become a normality in our everyday life.
Still leading and obeying at the same time.
When he had stepped into the cool air outside that house he took several steps until he stopped on a porch of a café.
I still stumbled forward to catch up with him but he turned around and without allowing me to take a look at his face he embraced me, tightly and desperately. And I didn’t have a choice, I had to stand it, stand his misery and pain seeping into me, getting part of me and involving me as well.
He stood there for a minute like that, not doing anything nor saying anything but then he had recovered his voice, shy and desperate.
“Every…word he…”, he swallowed to suppress something, “he had said is true. I’m a…fallen sinner, maybe the worst of all these people, I don’t have any morality left…and…everything which is keeping me together, making me stand up in the morning and forcing me to keep on breathing and eating is…that is…just you…with your smile and friendly eyes and your helping hand whenever there was one needed…I’m so sorry for what I’ve become, I’m…”, he gulped and I felt tears wetting his face, also making mine wet because he held his head pressed against my cheek.
“Maybe I’m not worth you, like he had said.”
I already inhaled to say something against this screaming shit but he didn’t let me, he immediately began talking again.
“All those months I had wished so much to meet you…somewhere…everywhere…only to catch a glimpse of you when you maybe would sit there and drink your coffee…I had wished to see you and feel some part of myself being saved, some part brightening, and some part sucking in the strength your sight would have given me…to continue…living…”
I stroked over his face to help him bear his emotions which all seemed to break through at once.
“I beg you so much to take me with you, I’m conscious of that you’ve asked me to come with you but this had been when you hadn’t known yet about my…personality and failures…I’m just begging you once again to just take me, keep me for your own pleasure as a pet on a leash or as something else, just what you like, but please…don’t shove me away…don’t let me die there again…over and over again…”
He spoke such nonsense…and he was fully conscious of the meaning of these stupid words which hurt me even more. Gods, I’d rather kill myself before shoving him away. So I just squeezed him tighter and he sighed, exhausted from crying and that mental pressure.
This was so different from yesterday…how he had behaved in his latex and with his make-up and how he was behaving now. There was so much more lying beneath the surface of the pretty face and body which could be wounded so easily…
“Stop talking nonsense, you idiot…”
He was silent, crying and holding me who held him and slowly eased the pain which he had carried with him for these months.
“I…I’m not wearing the make-up to attract people’s attention, I’m…wearing it because I like myself with that…”, he said like out of the blue, reluctantly and hoarsely.
“And I don’t…put that lotion on my arms because I’m allergic to that fabric, I just suffer from sensitive and stressed skin and I…I’m sorry that I look so disfigured now, I’ll try to get that straight as soon as possible if-”
“Look, honey, I don’t give a damn about what that man has said, okay? Don’t try anything and keep living like you have before, don’t change. Now let’s sit down and have some coffee, my pelvis and ass are killing me.”
He looked up with guilty eyes.
Maybe I had chosen a too harsh voice but I had to struggle not to scream at him for what he had said.
“I’m sorry for that…”, he said with eyes cast down.
I just smiled at him and while leading him to a table I told him that I wouldn’t have wanted him to behave differently.
“So has this really been your first time?”, he asked and seemed pretty interested in that subject.
I had hoped that he’d keep silence about it after mentioning this when I was tied to the bed but my virginity obviously bothered him. I stared at him and while thinking about how to tell him and what to say so as not to embarrass me even more he closed his eyes and leaned back.
“I feel absolutely honoured that you have let me do that.”
I would have expected him to make fun of me, to sneer at me and jibe at me because I’ve always been boasting about how many ladies I had already slept with and what a gentlemen and badass I was.
But he accepted that, he had answered me something at which I could nothing but smile. He knew, and hell if he didn’t know then no one did, that every man in this world had to bear his own private little problems and difficulties. You could merely take the hand which was offered to you or you could stay where you were and try sort out your life on your own, and probably fail.
We both had taken the hands, admitted and accepted that we needed help and ready to change in order to lead a better life.
Could I have imagined a better start with our relationship than this one?
Certainly not.
“Espresso.”
My dreams were torn apart by his voice when he had ordered his coffee. I looked up and ordered mine as well.
Then I tilted my head and stared at his face, trying to make sense of his mixture of a smile and smirk.
He seemed so totally happy now, like he had left behind all his grief and sorrows, like he had chained his fears and pain to the bed where others should take it now deliberately. Like a never-ending circle.
Which only could be broken by yourself, you had to have the guts to refuse to carry on with it.
“So what about that squishing thing now…would you like to do that?”
He was so perfect. He was able to confound love, lust and affection so well that it was difficult to pick one of those three and treat it separately from the others. Maybe one would have thought that he only thought about sex, even now when he had just escaped hell where this was practiced.
But I knew, and this was important, that this was just the wrapping of his love for me.
Some people liked to wrap their love up in blue or rose paper, some liked to wrap it up in cellophane and others like us liked to wrap it up in bonds.
Bonds which couldn’t be cut through by scissors, which kept the content together, prevented it from falling apart like a stomacher, backing and supporting it and by slowly tightening around it as well so that it became tight so that there was not much space left between these two people but just so much of it that there was, apart from one, only space for one single more person. And it did what it was supposed to do: Tying up, eliminating your freedom, tightening your devotion and squeezing your reason to death so that only your soul remained there which had already taken the colour of the other.
And all around that piece of dark wrapped up love was wound a little rose ribbon, saying ‘Fuck you’ to whoever dared to look at it from outside this comfortable prison.
I looked at him for another moment to enjoy this look of his, then I put my hand on his and smirked.
“Of course. Everything you want to show me…”
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