Sunny\'s Shadow

Chap 2-
“Sam, this is Sunny. Sunny, Sam.” My roommate was the quiet, introverted type, so his only response was 'hey'.
“She's gonna be staying here for a few days, if that's all right with you.”
“OK. I don't care. Just don't go into my room, and knock if the bathroom door is shut.”
“Sure, I wouldn't want to...” Sunny trailed off after Sam nodded and left the room.
“Don't worry too much about him,” I reassured her, “He's just that way. Oh! I'm so sorry, Sunny, I just realized you must be starving!”
“I'm OK, really,” she said, shaking her head. Her arms were folded across her chest, and she was a little withdrawn again. If just having Sam walk away had done that to her... I couldn't even imagine the type of damage that had been done to her psyche.
I nodded and gently took her elbow, and her whole body twitched. “Sunny, I know it's hard to let some things go. But neither Sam nor myself are ever going to hurt you on purpose, OK?”
She nodded, but relaxed only slightly. “So what do you do, Cameron?”
The woman was just barely started to come out again. At least her recovery time wasn't bad. “I work as a counselor at the local hospital a couple nights a week, and I do Web design- that pays the bills. But I call myself an artist.”
“What kind of artist?”
“A little of everything. Painting and pencil drawings mostly, a little bit of sculpture and wood carving.”
“Are you any good?”
I shrugged, “I've been told I am. I've sold a few pieces over the years, but most of them I just give away to friends and family.”
“Can I see some?” she was hesitant to ask for anything, even just to see them, but she was working hard to be open with me. That, at least, was a truly good sign.
“Sure, if you want,” I replied, “I do most of my work in this other room here.” She followed me into the other bedroom, which was filled with the clutter of half-finished work, extra or damaged canvas and paper, pencils worn to stubs, and brushes laying haphazardly next to piles of oil paint tubs. Sunny stepped into the bright room, her eyes wide with wonder.
“You did all this?”
“All except that one right there, the small one,” I said, pointing to a sketch my roommate had started three months earlier and not touched since.
“It's incredible. How long do they take you?” She was captivated by a painting I was working on for one of my friends, an aspiring writer.
“Oh... it depends. That one I've been working on for about six weeks. I sketched for a week, started over, started over again, and started painting. I've probably only got about three days left when I get around to it, but the book I'm doing it for isn't even half finished, so there's no rush.”
“It's for a book?” she asked, finally tearing her eyes away from the city scene to look at me.
“Yeah,” I replied, stepping up next to her, “one of my friends wants to be a writer, so he commissioned this from me.”
“I think it's very good. On the parts you have finished, I can see every brick.”
I nodded, and said, “Thanks. One of the downsides of doing cover art, though, is that when it's shrunk down to book size, you can hardly see the detail. Still, that's how I like to work, so I can't complain too much.”
“It's amazing. I'd give almost anything to be able to create things like this...” she raised her hand unconsciously, and brushed her fingertips lightly across the canvas. “I can almost hear them speaking...”
“I do,” I said softly, and after a moment she broke out of her reverie.
“What?”
“By the time I've sketched it three or four times, line-drawn it, and painted it, I've lived with these people for a month or more, off and on. They're inside me, and I'm inside them. All I have to do is glance at a piece, and it comes to life.”
“Wow,” Sunny said quietly, and was about to say more when her stomach grumbled loudly. I smiled and reached out to take her small hand in mine.
“Come on, I'll get us some breakfast. Or lunch, whichever. You can spend all the time in here you want afterwards.”
“OK, we've got...” I began, opening up the pantry, “pancakes, French toast, bacon and eggs, Waffles, or we could have―”
“Waffles!” I turned my head to see Sunny's eyes sparkling, but her face fell immediately, and her eyes went dull again. “If... If that's OK with you, I mean.”
Worried at the sudden regression, I spun around to face her fully, and she flinched away. She tried to take a step back, but bumped into a chair, causing it to thump a leg into the floor.
“I'm sorry!” she said quickly, then without warning dashed past me and into my bedroom, where she slammed the door behind her. It looked like breakfast would have to wait a little longer. Because I'd been counseling for a few years now, I recognized a lot of the symptoms she was showing, but Sunny had been cut so deeply, so many times, that I wasn't sure I could do her any good. Right now, though, I was the only hope she had.
I walked the eight steps to my door slowly and stood outside it for a few seconds, trying to compose my thoughts, but didn't have much success. I raised my hand to knock softly, but there wasn't an answer. I could hear her sniffling, so I waited a little longer then opened it gently.
“Sunny?” She was sitting on the edge of my bed, her head on her knees, arms wrapped around it tightly. She didn't look up, but her sobbing stopped immediately.
“You can cry if you need to, you know. I'm not going to think less of you for it.” I tried to be as reassuring as possible, but it was still a long time before I could hear her breathing again.
“He... Teddy... he told me that crying meant you were weak. He always hit... I mean... He told me not to do it.” I had to strain to hear her, even from just a couple feet away. Moving slowly, trying not to startle her, I knelt down in front of her and put my hands on either side of her head as gently as I could. She tensed up immediately. This was the dangerous part. If she thought I was a threat, she'd never open up.
“Relax. I didn't pick you up to hurt you. I didn't bring you here to cause you pain, Sunny. I want you to be happy, that's all. You can relax around me.”
Inch by inch, I could feel her body shuddering as it relaxed. One by one, the muscles in her back, then legs, and last arms and neck let go of the tension.
“That's good. Great, in fact. I have one more thing I'd like you to do though, OK?” She grunted, but still did not look up.
“I need you to remember that here, you are safe. Can you do that for me? For both of us?”
“I'll... I'll try.” She had to choke the last word out, and I could feel her sobbing quietly, the tears were beginning to soak into her new jeans. I stood up slowly and sat beside her, putting one arm around her shoulders, wishing there was more I could do, but knowing that just this was probably all she could take without breaking.

“I'm sorry,” Sunny choked out an endless hour later.
“There's nothing to be sorry for, Sunny. I really do want you to be happy, and... forgive me, from what I've seen, you really needed to just cry for a while. If that's what it takes, go right ahead.”
“But it's weak.”
I shook my head, “No it's not. It's harder to cry and not be ashamed than to not cry, believe me.”
She sat up finally, and I started to pull my arm back, but she reached up and grabbed my hand, clutching it tightly before I could pull away. “You don't... you don't like touching me, do you?”
That was an odd question. “Why would you think that?”
“Because every time you do, you let go right after. This is the longest you've done it, but as soon as I moved...”
I grinned, shaking my head again, “No, that's not it at all. Look... I just don't want you to get the wrong idea. I really don't know you all that well, but I've dealt with situations at least a little similar to yours before. I know a little of what it can do to a person, and I don't want to take the chance that you'll... well, think I'm trying to take advantage of you.”
“You wouldn't do that,” she said, “you aren't that kind of person. If anything, I'm the one that would try to take advantage of you.”
I smiled, and she continued, “I mean, I'm basically just a whore. For Teddy and some of his friends. For anyone, really, that can distract me from... well, everything.”
She looked away, tears falling again, and she let go of my hand. This time, I didn't try to pull away, but wrapped my other arm around her instead, pulling her tight against me.
“Listen to me, Sunny. You may have done things you regret, but it doesn't change who you are. What you do in the present is who you are.”
She tried to wipe away the tears as she said, “So I'm a crying girl, and that's it?”
Was she really trying to joke about this? My heart soared, because if she still had a sense of humor, there was a good chance indeed that she still had some semblance of self respect.
“Well, you are a crying woman... but that's not all you are. Can I be honest with you without offending you?” I asked, moving an arm to her hair, stroking it gently.
“Sure.”
“I don't see a whore. I don't see an addict. Yes, I see the signs, but that's not you. I see someone who is small, and vulnerable, and who has been beaten down senselessly. But do you know what else I see?”
She shook her head slowly, unsure of what I was getting at.
“I see a beautiful woman who has been in a very bad situation, who could have died in it. I see a woman who has been given another chance, a chance to become stronger than she could even dream possible today. That's what I see.”
“No offense, Cameron, but you really don't know me,” she said, squirming out of my arms and standing up, “so don't think you can just say stuff like that and fix me, make me all better.”
I shook my head again, then replied, “I know I can't fix you. You aren't broken. But you are the one that chooses your fate, Sunny. I can't even really show you the way, I can just show you what I would do. But you're the one that has to walk the path.”
She was silent for a long time, and I could still hear her stomach growling intermittently alongside Sam getting ready for work.
“Cameron? Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you really think I'm beautiful?”
“I don't think, Sunny. You really are.” She folded her arms tightly against her chest, still facing away from me.
“But I'm skinny, I don't take care of myself, and... and I've done horrible things. I've―”
“You can tell me if you want to, Sunny, and I promise I'll listen. But you don't have to tell me, OK?”
She nodded, but said nothing for a while. “I guess... yeah. I want to tell you some things, at least. I need to get some of it out. But I don't want your roommate to hear.”
“He usually leaves for work in about an hour, will you be OK for that long? We can get that breakfast in the meantime.”

“Wow, these are the best waffles I've had in years. Maybe ever!” Sunny exclaimed after just a couple of ravenous bites.
“Thanks,” I said, laughing, “but don't eat them too fast. I made plenty, so take your time. We won't run out.”
She'd eaten three of them, with extra butter and hot syrup by the time I'd finished my own, and had just put another on the grill for herself when I stood up from the table.
“Oh, you're done? Can I―”
“Go ahead. I'll get the dishes.”
“Thanks. I'm such a pig, I...”
I knew exactly what she wanted to say, so I didn't press for her to continue when she trailed off and turned back to the grill. Who knew how long it'd been since she'd had a real meal? I couldn't see any signs of heroine tracks, but there was some kind of addiction there stronger than just pot. Each hour that went by, her hands shook just a little more, and I knew she was trying to resist the urge to dash out of my house and go find a fix.
Whatever her situation had been, I had to do all I could to change it now. She was so... valuable. Everyone I'd ever had the fortune to counsel had been worth every millisecond of effort and energy I'd put into them, but Sunny... she was worth it a hundred times over.
In some ways, I knew that was a bad sign. It meant I was getting too involved. My advisor, basically my boss at the hospital, would already be yelling at me for it, but I couldn't seem to help myself. There was just something about her.
Since I'd done all my dishes before I'd left for Florida, I only had the ones we'd just used to wash, and I was done by the time Sunny forced down the last bite of her fourth Waffle.
“So, what do you want to do now?” I asked her, picking up her plate as well.
“I don't really know. Do you have to work or anything?”
“Nah, I'm off for the rest of the week. Paid vacation, fortunately,” I replied.
“Well... you didn't get much sleep, do you want to take a nap?”
I shrugged again, and told her, “I don't really sleep much anyway, so I'm used to it. Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like you could use some sleep, though.”
She was silent for a moment, then stood up from the table, saying, “I probably look like shit, don't I?”
“No, really, you don't. You just have shadows under your eyes, that's all,” I said, grinning. She hurried into the bathroom to check herself in the mirror, and I called out, “I was just kidding, really!”
When she came out a minute later, she was scowling, but gave me a playful slap on the shoulder. When she realized what she'd done, however, she suddenly looked terrified, but I just laughed, willing her to relax. “It's OK, Sunny... I'm not Teddy. I'm not one of his friends. I know you were just playing. And really, you'd have to deck me pretty hard before I actually cared. I'm pretty tough.”
She still looked nervous, but stopped backing away.
“Really, though, what do you want to do?”
“I guess just wait, if Sam is leaving in a few minutes like you said. I really do want to talk to you.” The last was said in a whisper, because Sam was coming up the stairs into the kitchen. I nodded, and he opened the door.
“I need to talk to you today, if I can,” he said to me, “Will you be up when I get back?”
“Probably. Working late tonight, or the usual?”
“Usual. I've gotta go in a few minutes early though, so I'm leaving now. Later.” He waved as he turned and headed to the back door, shutting and locking it behind him.
“I guess that's taken care of,” I said, “So... whenever you're ready. May as well be comfortable, though, right?”
Sunny nodded and stepped into the hallway, looking back and forth between my bedroom and the living room. Deciding, she stepped into my bedroom again, with me following behind her, drying my hands on my jeans as I went.
She sat down almost exactly where she'd been before and patted the spot next to her. I sat down, and she took a deep breath.
“I'm not really sure where to start.”
“Just start where you need to. It doesn't have to be your life story, just tell me what you want to get out first.”
She said nothing for a long while, then laid back and folded her hands across her stomach. I mirrored her pose, and a few minutes later she began to speak.
“Teddy and I were going to visit some of his friends in Los Angeles. We were driving from Philly, and for the first few days the trip was pretty good. Almost like a real vacation... we saw some sights, ate out, got a little high every night... Teddy smokes pot with his coke, but I just snort it raw. The crash reminds me not to get too into it.”
There was that piece of information. Those, really, since now I knew where she was from and where she'd been going. I also knew what to watch for in symptoms, and what I'd noticed so far seemed to mesh with my observations as well. That was probably the worst she'd gotten hooked on.
“It all went bad in Colorado. Someone stole his stash right out of our car when we stayed there, and he yelled at me for it, called me a bitch, and worse. He slapped me a few times too, but didn't leave a mark anyone would notice. But when we got into the car, he just kept yelling at me all day.
“Since we didn't have any coke, there wasn't any way to distract either of us... so I said something I shouldn't have. I don't even remember what it was. He pulled over, and I knew then that I was in trouble. I got out after he did and tried to run, but we were in the middle of nowhere, and he's a lot faster than me. He grabbed me and drug me a long way off the road. I'd... I'd given up fighting him after he grabbed me. I've learned he's stronger than me, and he doesn't mind hitting hard.”
I could feel my knuckles turning white, but I held myself still, trying not to give her a reason to stop. As painful as it must be for her to say all this, as painful as I knew it was to hear it, she had to get it out.
“I told him I was done with him, that's what it was. He said that he was the only one that ever cared about me after Momma died, and that's when he pulled over. When we got about two hundred yards off the road, we were on the other side of a little hill, and there were enough trees that no one could see us. He threw me down and started to pull off his belt, yelling something about how he'd prove he loved me.
“I tried to get up and run again when he had his pants half way down, but he jumped and got his hands on my leg. I tried... I tried to kick him off, but he was too strong, too fast.”
I couldn't stop the tears from welling in my eyes, and I couldn't stop the ache in my chest either. Sunny's voice was dispassionate, cold. She sounded almost like a machine when she continued.
“He pulled me over and ripped my clothes off. Shredded them while he sat on top of me, even with me hitting him as hard as I could. He... he... that bastard tried to pretend I was enjoying myself, tried to make it 'good for me' while he raped me. He called it 'foreplay' when he bit my breast enough to make it bleed. It was 'good for his little nympho' when he slammed himself into me. He's been rough before, but never like that. He tore me up, inside. I bled for hours after... after he left.
“When he was done, he had this really manic grin on his face, and he asked me if I knew who loved me yet, or if he would have to show me again. I told him I hated him, and he just laughed. He picked up my clothes and pretended to hand them to me, then yanked them back and started ripping them up. Then he... he said 'well, you just took it like a whore, so that must be what you are. Better advertise your wares, right?' and then made a big show of ripping them up. Then he punched me in the gut so hard I blacked out. When I came to, he was gone. When I got back to the car, there wasn't any sign of him. It was getting dark, then, and no one stopped. No one even slowed down until you came.”
She didn't say anything else. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, but it sounded hollow without even saying the words. I wanted to say I'd change it all if I could, or take the pain away. There was so much I wished I could do. I'd even had an idea that her situation was something like this, but that hadn't prepared me for hearing it. All of the training I'd had, the other bad things I'd heard people go through... I never imagined I'd be laying on my own bed next to someone I was swiftly coming to like tell me about such horrors.
“I'm glad it took so long, though. I don't think anyone else would have been so good to me as you are, Cam.” Her voice cracked a little, and her eyes were red and puffy when I looked over.
“I'm... I wish I could say I'm sorry, Sunny, but it feels so worthless. I can barely even imagine what it must be like... please, please... if there's anything I can do for you...”
“You already have,” she said, wiping at her tears, “you probably saved my life. I feel safer now than I have since Momma died, or even before that, when I met Teddy. I feel like... like even with all the bad stuff that's happened to me, like I have a reason to keep going now.”
I dreaded hearing the rest of it. If she told me what I was afraid of, I'd have to take her elsewhere. I couldn't afford... neither of us could afford... to become too attached. And I barely knew her.
“It's not what you probably think,” she said, looking sideways into my eyes, then back up at the ceiling, “I'm not in love with you or anything. I'm not that crazy... I mean, I 'dated' Teddy for a whole week before I thought I was in love with him. It's just... you make me feel like I can be a better person, that's all.”
That was reassuring, even if there was that little needle of discomfort... it just meant I cared, right? Everyone wants to be loved, and it's perfectly normal to not be happy about it when we're told someone doesn't love us. That's what I told myself, anyway. I think I believed it.