Kill Me Shining

Kiss shining, imitating loneliness
Cutting into space with entwined regret...
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'Rei sighed in utter contentment, wide, shining violet eyes staring in fascination at the man that stood before her...'

After long fingers finished this sentence, I sighed in annoyance. Scowling, I ripped my glasses off my face and tossed them unceremoniously onto the desk I leaned on. When the hell did Rei start having violet eyes? She had green eyes.

I knew the source of my little typo, but continued to glare at the lightened screen as if it would glare back. I almost wished it would, then I could take this frustration out on someone.

Damn brat, even taking over my thoughts...First, he invades my life. Then my house, and now my writing? What am I becoming.

It wasn't a question.

I groaned, bringing my hand up to rub the bridge of my nose in an attempt to relieve some of the tension that started to radiate from some place within my skull. Migraine. Fucking peachy.

When it became apparent that this would do me no good, I dropped my hand and rose to make myself coffee. Practically gliding into my kitchen, I began working on grinding my gourmet coffee beans into suitable ash. I moved to the coffee maker, preparing properly until soft, liquid sounds filled the room as it began churning. I anxiously awaiting the bitter liquid that would no doubt help my migraine.

I happened to glance at the time on the coffee maker, noting that it was nearly ten at night. When had it gotten that late? I was slightly shocked. I hadn't been mauled by the bubblegum chibi all day, if this morning before he left didn't count.

My insolent genki lover had awoken me with his usual ridiculous chatter, that almost every other day I ignore, and I of course had been deprived of an extra precious few hours of sleep. Intending to yell at him, I had lifted my head with a malicious glare in tact. But his eyes were so big and glassy, that exuberant radiance that surrounds him whenever I even look at him coming off him in waves... Needless to say, I hadn't yelled at him. Just turned back over and waved him off.

The corners of my mouth turned up, ever so slightly.

Why did he have to be so damn cute?

And since when was I so damn soft?

Where was that little idiot? He was usually home by eight. I shrugged it off, figuring he'd gone out with that other idiot, Nakano, or had gotten himself injured while at work, being too enthusiastic. Again. I remembered the last time, he'd come home with a large bruise on the corner of his forehead, grinning like the chibi baka he is and brushing it off, saying he'd been playing tag with that Sakuma, and his keyboardist had slammed him on the head with his synthesizer in a vain attempt to get him to focus. He'd spent the rest of that night sitting about a foot away from the television, enthralled in those irritating Nittle Grasper videos and clutching that stupid pink rabbit like it was his life preserver.

Despite myself, a small smile rose. What was this kid doing to me?

I couldn't deny it wasn't slightly pleasant, though. As much as it was a hindrance.

As soon as I pour the burning, delicious brown liquid into my large mug, the phone rang. I let loose an incensed sigh, eyes rising to the ceiling as if it were somehow to blame. I walked leisurely over to the phone, sipping the scalding liquid generously. If it was that damn important, whoever it was could wait.

I snatched the phone, raising it to my ear the same time my other hand relinquished my hold on my mug to light a much needed cigarette. All this making me semi happy bullshit Shuichi was doing was putting me in a bad mood.

I clicked the answer button. "Hai?" I answered, voice gruff.

"Eiri?" A sweet, smooth voice filled my ears and I immediately brought my cup to my lips before taking a long drag of my cigarette, knowing I would need it if he was calling at this time and not bothering to answer until I'd finished.

"Hai?" I repeated, exhaling the soothing smoke slowly and watching as it make a grey cloud before me.

"Did I interrupt your work?" Tohma asked politely, and I could practically hear the smile on his face. I rolled my eyes.

"No."

"I am glad. Do you have a moment, then, or is your time preoccupied by Shindou-san as it seems to be quite frequently these days?"

I fought the urge to growl. Who was he to judge who I spent my time with? "No, he's not here," In a rough voice, was my only reply for him.

"He’s not? His band left the studio over an hour ago.“ Tohma sounded surprised, but seemed to brush it to the side. “I do apologize. I didn't seek to offend you. The matter I'm calling about is indeed our Shindou-san, however."

Can't the brat stay out of my life for five seconds? Even my brother in law feels the urge to talk about him. “What is it?”

“...I am concerned, Eiri.”

Another exasperated sigh escapes me, and I recline back on my couch. This might take a while. “About what, now? You’ve already made your concerns about my business clear.” I accentuated the words ‘my business’ sharply.

“Every day that passes my concern grows, as he seems to grow on you. I am extremely worried. Is it wise to let him as close as you have, I wonder?”

I didn’t answer for a moment, I've let him that close?, before snapping, “The hell I am. Who says I’ve let him close?”

“Eiri, I did read that song you wrote for him, you know.”

Another glower made it’s way across my features, and I curtly responded. “It meant nothing.”

Liar.

“Do you truly believe that?”

I didn’t answer, but instead scoffed and took another swig of the essence of my sanity. My silence didn’t even phase the president of NG Records.

“What’s gotten you in a mood?”

That’s it.

“Goodnight, Tohma.” I clicked the phone off, tossing it back onto the table and returning to my study. I sat down, perching the mug on a strategically placed folded piece of paper so as not to stain my expensive desk. I stared quietly at my screen, resuming my earlier resentment and narrowing my eyes. I imprudently tapped the delete key until that irritating sentence was erased. Rei did not have violet eyes.

As I sat, waiting for my earlier inspiration to strike, I considered the intention behind my brother in laws phone call. Had Shuichi said or done something at work, particularly odd? Concerning? And he’d left work an hour ago? Where the hell was he, surely he wouldn’t stay at Hiro’s this long without calling? Not that I ever asked him to call. I just gave him a hard time if he didn’t.

I wasn’t anxious that he wasn’t home.

Not at all.

And why does everyone insist that me allowing him to live with me is such an issue, such a concern of theirs? I’m not letting him close to me.

...Am I?

A vision of his big, starry eyes swam behind my now closed lids, his face lit up in absolute vibrance because I’d asked him if he wanted some coffee. Idiot.

And as I reminisced on this...I remembered the little pang inside of me, urging me to smile warmly at him. I have gone soft, haven’t I?

What makes him think he can just barge into my life and change me? Just because he’s a little bit endearing, doesn’t mean he should be any different from anyone else in my life. I don’t change for anyone, especially not a little brat like him. I'll show them all. I, am Yuki Eiri. I don't change.

Where the hell is he?

Scowl and bubbling resentment still intact, I stare ferociously at my screen, the ignorant cursor blinking at me. Taunting me.

I forced my fingers to write, spilling out some non sense I’d probably go back and demolish later on.

After another minute I surrendered, removing my glasses with one hand and letting it hand limply on the arm of my chair. My other rose, slender fingers rubbing the bridge of my nose in a desperate attempt to relieve a bit of pressure there.

I sighed irritably. Why didn't he at least let me know he was going to be late? Instead annoying me by the irregularity. (1) The little punk.

I had just attempted writing once more, failing miserably, when suddenly I was struck with a small bit of inspiration. My nimble fingers were clambering away at the keys, when I heard the door open. Despite myself, my stomach fluttered.

"Yuki, tadaima!" His loud, obnoxious call that greeted me every single day when he returned made the corner of my mouth twitch, before I realized what I was doing and quickly stopped the small smile from arising. "Yuki!"

A pink and orange blur was catapulted into my lap, full throttle, after a moment.

"Ne, brat?" Cavalier as ever, I turned my head towards the little vocalist and brushed my lips to his cheekbone in a simple greeting, never taking my eyes off my screen.

"How was your day, Yuki? I missed you so much!"

Of course you did, little idiot. I had to fight the urge to smile once more. How does he have this effect on me? It was never like this in the beginning. Ever since I began a relationship with him, he's softened me! And why was he so damn soft and warm? I ignored the desire to wrap my arms around him, as well. It was so aggravating! “I’m working, baka.” Despite my little lover’s appearance, I was in the middle of a train of thought and my brow furrowed slightly as I ferociously typed, trying to get the thoughts out before the inevitable distractions began. Shuichi was being silent, currently, so I made no attempt at dumping him to the floor like I usually would. I sort of liked the feel of his weight on my lap as I worked, though of course I would never admit that to him.

Neither of us spoke for about ten minutes, and I was shocked that he could stay so silent and still for that long. Was he feeling okay? But out of the corner of my eye, I could see him studying my features with an adoring look on his face. The idiot. He always does that. Why does he see so much in me?

I finished my train of thought, lethargically moving so as not to dislodge my lover. I saved my progress, and sighed in relief, leaning back against the chair I was perched on and slipping my eyes closed. I heard him start humming, grinning like the Cheshire cat and bouncing slightly on my knee. “Yuki! Yuki, Yuki, Yuki! I got you a present!” His small fingers curled around the front tails of my shirt, tugging. I opened my eyes to glare slightly. This was an expensive shirt, and if he ripped it...

Well, it wouldn’t be pretty.

“Why do you never have anything to do but annoy me? And what the fuck makes you think I want a present, damn brat?” My cold voice was nothing new to his adapted ears, though, and he just smiled broader. How is it possible for someone to be this happy? All the time?

“Come on, come on!” Well, he was looking at me with those big, wide puppy eyes that make my resolve crumble, and tugging my wrists so I gave up my resistance and followed him, half dragged, rolling my eyes. The ball of energy was facing away from me, both arms reached awkwardly behind him to clasp both my wrists, but he didn’t seem to mind. I smirked. Yes, I didn’t mind his flexibility either.

Despite my lovers...cuteness, as grudging as I was to admit it, I knew the energy he radiated was going to begin to drain me of my own soon. I sat onto the couch, reclining back and gathering my cigarettes and lighter, firing up a cancer stick.

My aloof nature bounced right off his aired out pink head, as usual, and he laid down on the arm rest to rummage through his backpack. My lecherous thoughts from before crept into my mind, and as I took in the sight of his pert little bottom sticking half in the air, I couldn’t help but lewdly caress it. He jumped, and I fought off a shameless grin. Why was it so hard for me to let myself smile around him? To let myself smile period?

“Yuki!” He giggled like a bubbly child, turning and swatting at my hand that was still quite enjoying feeling him up.

I scowled a little at that, and took a deep drag from my cigarette. “Do you have a goal on how many times a day you say my name?”

Except it’s not my name.

“Aha! Here!” He was oozing excitement as he held something out to me, his grin widened more than ever. My eyes disinterestedly roamed over the offered object, but I was quickly interested. It was a photo of my lover and I, close up. How someone managed to capture this was beyond me, but I was leaning against my car, arms crossed while Shuichi hopped into the air, kissing me on the cheek and I scrunched my nose in annoyance, though a tender light shone in my eyes.

A small bout of warmth spread through me like rapid fire, and I fought the urge to smile, the corners of my mouth twitching. When was this taken? My hair was only slighter shorter, so about a month or two ago I presumed. The happiness on his face boyish, beautiful face contrasted sharply with the cold and distant look on mine, and it disgusted me. What was he even with me for? I never show him anything but attitude. But then again, there was a soft look in my eyes...

Which reminded me of what Tohma said previously.

Which pissed me off.

I may not be soft to the brat, but he was sure as hell getting me there. He can not change me. And I won't change for him, and I know it. He knows it. He's just in denial.

So why is he still here?

“What the hell is that?”

His bright, exuberant smile faltered, and his arms fell slightly. "It's...a picture of us. Hiro snapped it that day you dropped me off at work."

Like I want a constant reminder.

I watch with detached interest as the pink haired baka sadly sets it down on the coffee table, and it's turned towards me. My gaze washes over it for a second, and my body had moved of it's own accord in the onluy way I knew how.

Being an asshole.

Flicking the half smoked butt towards the glass frame. Perfect aim. It smacked it right in the middle, right on my face that still disgusted me. How could he show so much emotion, and I show none at all? Sneering in accomplishment, I watched as it fell right into the ash tray.

Shuichi was shocked speechless, before quickly scooping the framed photo into his arms and frantically yet gently brushing off the ashes. A small look of hope shone on his face, and I felt a pang of guilt in my gut. "You don't want it?"

I wanted to tell him I did. Wanted to tell him I appreciated the gesture.

But my natural self for the past six years has made it hard for me to do that, even with someone who's shown me as much devotion as he.

“What am I going to do with a piece of junk like that?” I stood as I spoke, sliding a hand into my pocket casually and striding towards the kitchen. My voice was emotionless, and icy.. “You’re annoying me, brat. Go bug someone else.”

“But-” I heard Shuichi begin, but I had enough. I hate when he begs. It's annoying, and he always manages to convince me to give him his way. But most of all, I went right through me like a hot knife, making me shamed. Who the hell was I to make this bright, loving creature miserable? But yet, I couldn't help it. I growled at him, and whirled around. “Fuck off, baka. Not only did you interrupt my work for something completely irrelevant, you’re getting on my fucking nerves now.” I knocked the photo frame from his grip, sending it skidding across my wooden floor. I turned without sparing a glance, and went to the kitchen.

I heard shuffling, and a tear filled voice. Oh, no. Tears are worse than begging. I despise when he cries. I want to make it stop, but I don't know how.

"I just wanted to do something nice for you, to prove I cared! I know I tell you I love you every day," He laughed," actually, a few times every day, but I just wanted to-”

“Shut up. I don’t give a rats ass how much you care about me, you got that?” I snapped, looking down at him with hard eyes. He flinched slightly, but didn't move. Defiance rose in his face.

My Shuichi. That's him, stubborn as ever.

“Why can’t you just take it as a reminder of me when I’m not-”

“You think I want to think about you when I finally get peace?” I stepped towards the fridge, craving a drink. He was right at my heels, as usual. But it was angering me now. Couldn't he just give up? Guilt was pouring through me, and he couldn't just leave me alone! If he just left me alone, I could stop the harsh words. I wouldn't have to keep hurting him, as each second passed by. But he just wouldn't stop! I was fighting off shaking now. I didn't want my anger to boil over. I couldn't control what would happen, then.

And I don't want to be dangerous.

Not to him.

I turned away again.

“Why are you so mean to me?! Why is it so hard for you to show me you care-”

“Because I don’t.”

He stopped with his mouth open, gawking like a fish before snapping right back to reality. “No, that’s not true!” I felt small hands curl around my shoulders.

My blood burned at his touch, and I felt myself losing it. I turned back to him, snarling. “Fuck. Off.”

“I won’t!” He screamed, fat tears rolling down his smooth cheeks now. How I longed to reach out and wipe them away.. “Why don’t you want me to be around you, Yuki?”

I froze. He thought I didn't want him around? Didn't me keeping him around for the past year and a half show him that I did? I shook it off, indifference coming over me and I said what first came to mind when he was angering me like this. “I want you at work. I want you at your annoying friends'. I want you on stage. Hell, I even want you dead. As long as you’re not. Near. Me.” Making sure I pronounced the last few words, I turned towards the fridge again. I didn't want to see that look, that shattered look, on his face.

He could leave now, and go to Nakano's and bawl his eyes out.

As usual.

The effect of my words, and that fact I'd been overly cold, didn't quite reach me and I was still seething anger when I felt a small tug on my wrist. "No, Yuki, you don't mean tha-"

I feral growl left my throat, and before I knew what I was doing, the I jerked my arm to get away from the warmth he was giving, and swung it back side first right across his cheek. A loud snap shrilled the air, and his small body was flung back into the counter, arching at the pain and he almost slid down, but stopped himself. His body was tilted towards the left when it hit me.

I didn't move. Didn't breathe. Did I just hit Shuichi?

Large amethysts stared in awe, shining but not overflowing and a tiny, shaking hand rose to press against the swollen purple bruise rising right on his cheekbone. A deathly silence seemed to hang over us. I was in too much shock to move. My hand was frozen where it had been as soon as I heard the crack of my force on his skin, and my eyes widened.

No.

No.

My hand finally moved, trembling, to cover my mouth in disbelieving horror. The look on his face tugged at my heart.

I saw the panic in his eyes even in his silence, and my emotions, my caring ones for him, swept over me in a flood. No, I couldn't let him leave. His eyes, wild and scared, told me he was about to make a run for it, but I begged him with mine to stay.

I was afraid, even though I knew other wise, that he wouldn't come back.

Even in a moment like this I couldn't manage to say tender words.

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being.

A terrified gasp left my scared lovers lips, and he abruptly turned towards the nearest exit and scampered towards it. I stood still, my feet rooted to the ground, until it clicked in my brain that he was actually leaving. I didn't quite run, but strode quickly after him.

After making it through the doorway, he tripped over the picture I'd knocked to the floor, and spilled forward on his stomach. I winced as I watched his forehead bang off the hardwood floor, and I took a few more steps towards him. My heart racing in my ears, blood pumping furiously.

My throat still wouldn't work.

Shuichi lurched forward as if about to throw up, and he tossed it over his shoulder without glancing back at me. It shattered at my feet, broken glass shards scattering everywhere. I didn't stop, though my feet were bare and I felt the sting and heard the crunch as the soft pads of my feet moved over it in my haste to get to him. Forcing my throat muscles to work finally, I called after him. "Shuichi, wait!"

The door slammed in my face, but the adrenaline pumping through my body kept me moving. I rushed forward, wrenching the door open and stepping into the hall. I saw a blur of pink slam into the door for the stairs, and stumble down until he was out of my sight.

Why bother going after him?

He'd be back.

Unless I'd really done it this time.

I scoffed at my own stupidity. No matter what I did to that brat, he'd be back.

But as I stepped back into my apartment, glancing around...I had to wonder.

Had I crossed the line?

I stepped forward, slamming the door behind me. My vision swept over the scene before me. There was crushed glass in the middle of the floor, the shattered picture frame in the midst of it. Droplets of blood trailed to where I stood, and the tingling, stabbing pain in my feet was becoming slowly more apparent as my adrenaline rush wore off. I'd have to tend to those, soon. I rolled my eyes. Wonderful.

I got to pick little pieces of glass out of my feet.

What a waste of time.

I sighed in annoyance, before stepping forward to gingerly lift the frame from the mess. My eyes swept over it once more, and my bitterness towards it faded.

It really was a nice picture.

My fingertip gently brushed over Shuichi's glittering eyes, his ecstatic expression, and my heart sank.

What have I done?

Sure, I'd hit the brat before. Knocked him over the head, kicked him a few times. But that was because of his stupidity. I'd never laid a hand on him like this. Never straight across that beautiful, youthful face. Never in an act of such...domestic violence.

I looked at my hands...

And I almost saw the invisible blood there. The blood of old, from Yuki, and the new, unspilled of my new lovers. I really was a monster, wasn't I? My stomach turned.

I needed a drink.

I limped towards the liquor cabinet, high up enough that I had easy access, but my baka would have enough trouble getting to it I would notice by the time he succeeded. Shuichi never could hold his liquor.

My hands shook as they poured a small glass of scotch, and I began my task of drinking myself stupid. Guilt gnawed at my chest, and worry clouded my mind.

He'd be back.

I was sure of it. No doubt about it, Shuichi would be back.

....Right?

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Authors Note;; Yes! Finally finished. Wow guys. I'm so, so, so, SO sorry. My muse just kinda...went away. I haven't even updated Suicide Girl very much. I just...haven't been in a writing mood, you know? I'm trying to be good and get back on track! Anyways, when I first started this story, I actually had no idea where it was headed. I have a plot now, and boy, is it ever a good one. You'll see. :)

Oh, I'll have a new Gravi fic out soon. My and a close friend of mine, RandomDreamsXX, have decided to put our minds together and go where no one has even gone before in a Gravi fic. Doesn't that sound exciting? Be on the look out!

I'll update ASAP, but I think I should work on getting my mind back on Twilight rather than Gravi as much. Suicide Girl fans might behead me o.o

Go on, fair readers! Hit that button for the reviews! Let me know how I did for Eiri! This Eiri is a bit of a mix between manga Eiri and anime Eiri. In the anime, we only see VERY few glimpses of how much Eiri truly does care about Shuichi. I have back up for everything I've had Eiri say or do. Eiri does love Shuichi, he just has a hard time showing it. He's so shy about it, and very awkward when he's sincere. He does disgust himself over how he treats Shu, though. We see that in EX. WHICH I FINALLY OWN! xD

Shuichi; Awwwwwwww! I had no idea Yuki thought so lovingly about me!

Eiri; Shut up brat. (scowl).

Shuichi; (wide heart eyes, clings to Eiri) You do love meeee! Yuki, Yuki! You do!

Eiri; (Sigh, rolls eyes.) Whatever you say.

Lolli; You two are too disfunctional for your own good.