By My Hands

Chapter 2—I'd Like A Do-Over, Please.

The next few weeks were some of the most awkward of my life. It wasn't like Gene to hold a grudge, especially against me, but he certainly seemed keen to hold onto this one. He spent most of the time holed up in his room or working desperately on the engine. By the time we finally landed again, I think the Outlaw Star was running smoother than ever.

The dreams didn't stop.

Every night, I sat in the cockpit for a while, talking to Melfina. It was something that we had started doing when I was about twelve, and she'd never asked me to stop. It didn't matter what we talked about, just whatever. Melfina was more human than android, most of the time, so I guess I always assumed that she got lonely in that tank. Gene had gone to bed awhile back—at least, he went and locked himself in his room. I had convinced myself that I didn't particularly care what he decided to do once he got there.

“Jim?” Melfina asked. I cocked my head to the side, curious.

“I...wasn't there to hear what you said to Gene, but Gilliam told me that it was rather callous. I know that Gene frustrates you sometimes, but are you sure that you are not being...too hard on him?”

Deep down, I knew that my frustration had as much to do with my unrequited feelings than Gene's personality shortcomings, but I wasn't ready to accept that yet. For all the same reasons that I hated him, I loved him. That I may have overreacted a bit was a hard pill to swallow, but one I was used to—I had a rather bad tendency of flying off the handle.

“I'm twenty years old, Melfina. If I can take responsibility, then a twenty seven year old man should be able to, as well.” I tucked my head in between my knees, a pose that had comforted me since I was a young child. Anyway, it wasn't as though I needed to be able to see the woman floating in front of me, because Melfina never moved when she was controlling the ship.

“You know you're being unfair. Gene takes responsibility. None of us have died yet, have we? And it's not as though we lacked the opportunity. He pulls through when he needs to. Listen, Jim, I know...I know it's hard for someone like you to understand the motives behind someone like him, but I just want to know one thing: would you really want him to change? If everything worked out exactly as you wished, would you ask him to stamp out such a fundamental part of himself?”

'Ah, there's the rub,' I thought. He was selfish, but I loved him. Without that selfishness, there was no way he would be the same man that I grown to care so much for. Damn Gene, always making everything so hard to figure out.

“Do I really need to answer that, Mel?” I looked at her with pleading eyes, and I could have sworn I saw her own crinkle in response.

“No. I already know the answer,” she said, and her voice was smiling.

–

I knocked on Gene's door, wondering what the hell I thought I was doing. I could hear some shuffling from inside, but he made no move to open the door, something which didn't surprise me in the least. Melfina was occupied, and I don't think Suzuka has ever come to see Aniki in his room, so I was the only real candidate. If he didn't want to talk to me, all he had to do was ignore me. Eventually, I imagine, I would have gone away.

Fortunately, the door slid open a few moments later, and there stood Gene in all his mostly-naked glory, clad only in his grey boxers.

Even when my head was filled with such a horrible mixture of emotions that I thought I might puke, I still thought he was ridiculously handsome. He tended to have that sort of effect on me. Everything he did was sexy, though I never told him that—I didn't want it getting to his head, which it inevitably would if he knew. Besides, he had enough women lining up to stroke his ego, he didn't need me to jump in line too. He looked mad, and I guess I couldn't blame him too much. After all, not only had he already told us he was going to bed, but I was probably one of his least favorite people right now.

“Gene...” He knew I was serious whenever I called him by his real name. Usually I just went with 'Aniki', but when I was either very pissed or very repentant, I used Gene. Of course, he was almost always 'Gene' in my head—he had been for a very long time—but that never seemed to translate into my speech. He cocked an eyebrow, looking thoroughly displeased.

“I'm sorry. If I'm dissatisfied with how you are, it's not your problem, it's mine. And I'll have to get over it.”

He closed his eyes, rubbing his hand across his temples like I had suddenly forced a really strong headache on him. His silky red hair fell over his forehead in small chunks, casting shadows on his features in the mostly darkened hallway. With a sigh, he opened his eyes again and looked over my face.

I'm not going to lie, I grew up to be a rather plain individual, in my opinion. My hair had darkened a little, and was now a drab dirty-blond. I had always been short, and even after years of wishing for a growth spurt I hadn't grown very much. The only thing about me that was of any interest at all were my blue eyes, something that Gene once told me I had gotten from my mother, though of course I couldn't know for sure. I had no idea what he suddenly found so enthralling about my face.

“You could have been something really great, Jim.” His words shocked me into silence, my mouth seemingly fused shut by a mixture of confusion and shame. “You were always good at everything—smart at fixing shit, focused, realistic. I know it's hard for a ten year old to make it on his own, but a twenty year old with your skills wouldn't have any difficulties. Hell, with how good you are, you could be making 100k a year, easily. You wouldn't have to move around so much, I know you always hated that, and you could find yourself a girlfriend, settle down.”

“Why are you saying this to me?” I didn't understand. I had never been anything but satisfied living on the Star, befriending Melfina and Suzuka, loving Gene. Was he suggesting that I leave? Was he asking that I leave?

“I guess...if you hate everything about me so much, I don't get why you're still here.”

I wanted to tell him the truth: that I stayed because I loved him, because he was as much a part of my life as I was. But, I couldn't. The one thing I didn't think I could stand was Gene hating me, and I could picture the horrified look that would probably come over his emotive face if I were to tell him that.

I don't remember much of my pre-Gene life. From what he's told me, he knew my parents when he was a teenager, but lost touch with them for a few years. Being the slacker he always was, when they stopped coming around, he just let it go. But the real reason why they never contacted him again was because they had both become very ill and had passed away.

They both caught a virus—I don't know exactly what it was—and died within a month of each other. Too quickly to make arrangements, too quickly to leave me any sort of support. I was eight years old at the time, and Gene was fifteen. Even if I had thought to go to him, he would have been too young to take me in.

I ended up on the streets, unable to make a living or find someone who would make it for me. Sentinel III didn't have much in the way of federal childcare—to be honest, they didn't have much in the way of federal anything. I couldn't rely on anyone else to find me a place to stay, so I had to find one myself, and I packed up everything I could and put it in the back of my father's car.

Even though I don't remember much about my childhood, I remember my childhood home perfectly. Mainly because it had been so wonderful. My mother had always had what Father called a 'delicate composition', so we lived in the countryside, away from all the big city smog and bustle. We had a big house, painted either yellow or blue, I don't recall. My room had a big window, looking right towards the mountains to the east of our house, and every evening I would watch the sunset from it. Sometimes my mother would make popcorn, and we'd watch it together like it were a movie. It's funny how I can known that so clearly, but I don't even remember what she looked like.

We had a library as well, mostly filled with the fantasy books my mother liked, but a large portion dedicated to my mechanical books as well. Even when I was just a child, I knew that my passion lay in fixing things. The feeling of grease under my fingernails has always been more soothing than anything else, except maybe Gene's smile. I spent most of the time I wasn't in school looking through my books or trying things out on the beaten up tractor in our shed. That was how I didn't starve to death in the year and a half I was on the streets. In fact, that was how I met Gene. Small world, isn't it?

He'd crashed his car. Not really a surprise, seeing as how Gene is a terrible driver on land. In the air, he is really graceful, but I try to avoid being in the car when he's behind the wheel. Anyway, he'd heard of me around town, I guess, and I usually hung out at this place called Charlie's Bar. I needed a base of operations, and Charlie let me have the bottom shelf of his refrigerator, so it seemed like a great deal to me. So, one day, Gene came strolling through the door, waving around the cash from his latest bounty and asking for a god damned miracle. I'll tell you, that car was a complete wreck.

And surprisingly, he recognized me—or he recognized my last name, more specifically. I think he would have just let me wander away if I hadn't been living on the streets. I mean, if my prospects had been any less bleak, I don't think he would have felt bad leaving me to fend for myself. As it was, he decided to open the shop out of his apartment, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if I weren't completely smitten with him, my loyalty would have demanded that I stay anyway until he didn't need me anymore.

“Of course I don't hate you, Gene.” It was a testament to how strongly his words had affected me that I no longer took notice of the fact that he was standing in front of me in nothing more than his boxers.

“How can you stand being around someone so selfish, then, Jim? Damn it, if that's how you feel, I don't want you on my ship!” Gene didn't raise his voice very often, but it was rather frightening when he did. He was imposing enough anyway, tall and lean, with a sharp chin and piercing eyes. What made it so much worse was that I didn't want him to be mad at me. I had come to apologize, not anger him further. We'd had fights before, sure, but never had he threatened to kick me off the ship. This was my home, too, as much as it was his. Deciding that I didn't belong in it was something which neither of us had ever thought to do.

“Please don't say that, Aniki...you know that's not what I meant!”

He looked at me with the strangest look I think I've ever seen in his brown eyes.

“No, I don't. I wish I did, but I don't. Just...let me think for a bit, ok Jim?”

–

We docked a week later because we were running out of supplies and Melfina was getting tired of being in suspended animation for so long. It wasn't a lawless planet, but it was pretty damn close. Since we still didn't know what the Space Forces wanted with us, Gene decided to go somewhere that they would have trouble finding support from the masses. Heathford was the perfect place.

Unfortunately, being a place where no one much cared about sticking to the rules, there weren't any bounties to speak of. We weren't running particularly low on funds, but we tried to make some capitol whenever we docked anywhere, so that was a bit of a disappointment. Not that I was thinking about money too much—Gene was still taking time to 'think', and he hadn't spoken more than three words to me since I first apologized.

I didn't know what he wanted from me, to be completely honest. Part of me, a part that was getting bigger and bigger every single day, thought that the main reason why we had docked had little to do with Melfina, or our rations. It thought that maybe Gene had stopped here hoping that it would be my last stop with the Outlaw Star.

Again, I had to convince myself that that thought didn't make me want to rip out my hair and scream.

I was so used to Gene asking me for things. Little things usually, like “Go buy us some ammo.” or “You want to put this away for me?” It had never really bothered me, in fact it made me feel like I was doing something useful for once, but I guess Gene thought it did. I guess he thought it was one of those 'selfish things' that he's always doing, and hadn't asked me for a single thing in weeks. I couldn't stand it anymore.

Presently, I was walking through the weaponry district of Heathford. Just looking, with no intent to buy much, because it wasn't like we needed any of the hard-core firearms that we used to need. I carried a small pistol in a holster by my hip, but that was about it nowadays. My arms were tucked behind my head in a pose that I had adopted when I was young and never grown out of, but I was still paying close attention to what was going on around me. Heathford might have been a nearly lawless planet, but there were no guarantees that the Space Forces didn't have allies here anyway.

Flipping through my wallet, I eyed my sad pile of cash balefully. It looked like I still had the 2k from my last job, as well as a few bits of chump change rolling around in the bottom. Enough for the most craptastic ship I could buy and parts for me to fix it with. The real question was: could I bring myself to leave? Even if Gene asked me to get off his ship, could I really do it? Not only did I love him, he was my oldest and closest friend, as well. Could I ever abandon him? 'Maybe,' I thought, 'I'm the one being selfish.'

That thought was all it took for me to understand what I had to do. If Gene didn't want me there, I would never force my presence on him.

Looking at the shops around me, I spotted a middle-class gun repair shop with a 'help wanted' sign in the window. With a sigh, I walked through the door, listening to the feeble tinkle of the shop bell. Gene was right about one thing, I would never have any difficulties finding a place to work.

–

Two hours later found me walking back to the Star, hands stuffed into my pockets and an application folded in my bag. What I had planned on doing with it, I didn't know, but it was nice to have some options. Gene probably wouldn't be there—it was already way past when he usually headed out clubbing or whatever he liked to do with him time—but that was alright. I was almost glad. If he wasn't there, I could talk things over with Melfina, maybe find out what she thought I should do.

I wandered into the kitchen, lured by the smell of Melfina's delicious cooking. She always made dinner after she had been in the tank for a long time. I think she did it because she missed food more than because she was particularly hungry, but it was nice all the same. Sniffing the air, I thought I could detect the slight smell of her veggie lasagna, my favorite.

She was just pulling it out of the oven, and the smell wafted over me in a comforting wave. Peering under the tinfoil, she tucked a strand of wayward hair behind her ear.

“Hey, Mel. I'm glad to see you up and around. You're not too tired, are you?”

She had a hard time getting out of the tank, usually. It left her drained and exhausted, and sometimes she just went into her bedroom, shut the door, and passed out for a few days. It was strange that she seemed up and awake, but I was happy. If she hadn't been, there's no way I would have gone in to wake her up.

“I'm a little tired. I thought I would make everyone something before I went to bed, though. You know how much lasagna is usually left over.” She walked over, slipping into a seat. I never could figure out why she seemed so much warmer than any of the other androids I had met in my life, but I could feel her body heat through my clothes, and it felt really nice. Resting her head on my shoulder, she sighed. “What's going on, Jim?”

I don't know how she always managed to know when something was bothering me, but somehow she did. It was sort of like that with Gene, but she was never as unerringly accurate as it was with me. Sometimes, like today, I was glad for it, but there had been many times when it had felt like an invasion of my privacy. She never pried, but she still knew, you know?

“I think I'm leaving.” She didn't look surprised.

“Have you spoken to Gene about this?”

“Right,” I snorted, “I haven't spoken to Gene about anything in the last few weeks.” She curled her hand around mine, linking our fingers together. Her skin was soft—it always had been—next to my calloused, dirty fingers.

“I don't think he would want you to go. You've always been together, and I don't think he would throw that away just because you two had a fight.”

As always, she was the voice of reason, but for once she didn't understand. He had told me to leave, hadn't he? Ignored my apology, shut the door in my face? I may not have had much experience in the way of dealing with people, but I knew a rejection when I saw one. Shaking my head, I walked to the cupboard to get one of our plastic plates.

“It wasn't just a fight, he actually told me to leave. He said he needed 'time', but I feel like I've given him enough at this point. You and I both know that I would never want to leave, but if that's what he wants, then I'll do it.”

“Don't touch that lasagna, it's not ready yet,” she said, with a stern look at the plate in my hands. “Wouldn't it be a good idea to make sure that's how he feels before you go? It could all be one big misunderstanding, right?”

Of course she was right. She was always right. The only thing was, I didn't think I would be able to leave if I saw him again. All it would take would be one look at him and all my resolve would fly out the window. Even way back before I wanted my aniki to be anything more, just seeing him had always calmed me down.

“He won't be in any condition to talk before tomorrow afternoon, you know that,” I said.

I had forgotten that lasagna had to sit out for a while before it could be eaten, so I traded the plate for a glass of orange juice and sat back down, pillowing my head on my folded arms. The whole situation, I decided, sucked. If only I had kept my fucking mouth shut, none of this would have happened. Although, I couldn't help thinking that it probably would have happened anyway, with my incessant nagging. Gene was twenty seven years old now, he could take care of himself. He didn't need his 'brother' bitching at him all the time.

“I think you should talk to him,” Melfina said, her voice as stern as she could make it.

“I know.”

–

The screen door slammed lightly, temporarily shutting off the stream of fading sunlight coming into the kitchen. My mother stood at the counter, rolling a ball of pastry dough between her fingers, and she smiled when my father came through the door. He always looked so nice, coming home from work all dressed up and professional with his business suit and briefcase.

“Good day? You look happy.” She reached over and cupped his cheek, and he didn't seem to care that she had gotten flour on his lapel.

“The merger was finally finished today. It's going to be a bit stressful for the next few months, but hopefully it'll be worth it. Plus, with the bonus I'll be getting this month, we can finally start thinking about sharing the wealth a little.” He turned to me, and I looked up from my hovercraft repair manual. “How about it, James? How about giving up your status as an only child?”

I thought for a moment, taking a drink from my glass of milk.

“I like the way things are, but I guess it doesn't really matter.”

Going back to my book, I barely caught the concerned look my mother and father sent each other. I knew they worried about me—I was observant enough to know that I wasn't really like the other kids my age. A bit too apathetic, a bit too antisocial. It didn't bother me, but I knew they worried.

“I wanted dinner to be ready when you got home, but it's taking a bit longer than I thought it would, so you're going to have to wait. Jim and I had sandwiches for lunch, there should still be some in the fridge if you're that hungry.” Father wrapped an arm around my mother, pulling her tight against his body.

“Don't worry about it, I can wait. It smells delicious, by the way. What are you making?”

She turned her head and smiled up at him.

“Vegetarian lasagna. Your favorite.”

–

My eyes blinked open, slowly adjusting to the dim light in my bedroom. I ran a hand through my messy hair irritably, trying desperately to keep onto the memory of what had happened in my dream. But, it wasn't long until I had completely forgotten. Kicking off my covers in frustration, I slammed my feet into my trainers, pulling a t-shirt jerkily over my head.

I had hoped to get a good night of sleep before I had to tell Gene that I was leaving, but apparently that was too much to ask. Well, fuck it all, that's just how my life is.

On top of that, Gene hadn't brought a woman home last night, and damn it all if I wasn't feeling guilty. The only reason why he would give up a night of frivolous anonymous sex would be because I yelled at him for being a whore, even though it had been none of my business.

After the wave of self loathing passed, I went into the kitchen, fighting through a spell of vertigo as I slumped into the seat. Suzuka greeted me quietly, keeping her thoughts on how bad I probably looked to herself, thank God.

“Good morning, Jim-san. Melfina tells me that you will be leaving us. She was quite distraught when I spoke to her last night.”

It was a testament to my self-control that I didn't hit her in the face like I really wanted to. As if it wasn't going to be hard enough to leave as it was, here she was making my guilt complex go into overload. Instead, I just curled my hands into fists beneath the table, taking my loose sleep pants into a death grip. A noise by the door make me look up, and the blood ran from my face.

“Gene...”

“You're leaving?” For once, I couldn't read his face. I was pretty sure the predominant emotion was anger, but that disturbed me enough that I ignored it.

“Well, I mean, it's just been really awkward around here the past few weeks...I figured it would be best if I weren't around for a while. You know, give everyone some time to cool down.”

“Cool down.” Gene blinked, bringing his hand up to rub his temples again. It's funny how he always seemed to get a headache when he was around me. At least, it would have been funny if it weren't so pathetically depressing.

“Yeah. There's a shop in town that's hiring, and the owner said he'd love to take me if I needed a place to earn some money...” It was one of those times when I would have given my right arm to be able to hear what was going through Gene's mind. I saw Melfina in the hallway behind him, waiting patiently for him to move out of the way, but Aniki didn't notice. His attention was completely on me, and, for once, I wasn't happy about it.

Goddamn it was hot in here.

“Fine. Whatever you fucking want to do, Jim. It's not like there's a heck of a lot of reason for you to be here, anyway.”

I flinched. It was true, of course—I didn't do much. But, then again, neither did Suzuka, and I didn't see Gene hurrying to push her out on the streets. Of course, she didn't go around insulting and annoying him, so I guess that made some sense.

“Right...well, I guess I'll go get my stuff packed up, then. I don't know how long you plan on staying in port, but that way you can just leave whenever.” I was trying my best to sound as nonchalant as possible, as though this wasn't the hardest thing I had ever done. As though I would only be gone for a few weeks, a month at the most, when I knew very well that this could be the last time I stepped foot on the Star.

As I walked away, I thought it fitting that, even though he probably didn't enjoy it as much as I had, Gene was still watching me walk away. Just like I used to do with him.

–

A/N: I think I'm going to have a hard time getting used to being in a fandom with such few readers. But, I need your help, dearest readers! In order to show the big fandoms that you don't have to be large to be in charge, you should review. Yes. That will show those a##*()$. :)