Choices

AN: So.... now that I’m certain everyone hates me..... enjoy the chappy! Starts off right where Mello’s chapter left off. So… Matt is awake!

And sorry for the wait, I really wanted this out on Saturday, but between my sister and niece being down from Florida and the interview (which I think I did alright on) I was knackered! So to make it up to you I’m going to try and post another chapter by Friday. TRY…

Suggested Listening: What Were We Made For by Saosin (some of the lyrics are oddly fitting); SAKURA goodbye by Scandal

Chapter Eighteen: Confusion

“Um... who are you...?”

He instantly felt something akin to guilt squirm around his stomach as the smile, that he would have called brilliant, faded and a look of shock and sadness washed it away.

He could only assume that he should have known the answer to his own question. Should have known who the blonde was, but for the life of him, couldn't figure it out. Hell he didn't even know what his own name was...

Though it stood to reason that he was probably this 'Matt' person, as the blonde had said that when he opened his eyes. And he doubted that the blonde would have called out his own name.

He shifted uncomfortably under the fiercely expressive blue eyes, but winced. He tried to remember why he was in the bed and how long he'd been there, as his body felt weak and stiff, but nothing came to mind.

He tried to think of something to remember... but he drew a blank. He didn't remember his name, his childhood or anything really... well he seemed to know stuff; facts about computers and other technical devices rushed to the surface, as well as other ‘common’ knowledge, but nothing of any real use to his current situation.

“I'm going to... I’ll be back.” the blonde spoke slowly, and 'Matt' nodded despite himself. He didn't know who the blonde was... but he felt he could trust him. He had no rational explanation as to why, either.

Just a feeling.

And his name... Matt... sounded odd to him. Like it wasn't his name. He couldn't explain it.

He sighed.

He looked around at the room, which was rather large and hospital like but without that sickening smell of antiseptic. The walls were more of a cream color than the stark too bright white hospitals seemed fond of.

There was also more than one bed besides his own, which should have immediately tipped him off to the fact that he wasn’t in a hospital, his thoughts were still a bit jumbled and slow it seemed.

So, if he wasn't in a hospital, not that he knew why he should be, where exactly was he?

His gaze turned to the window and it felt odd, for some reason, to see trees in bloom. His head hurt, he had to close his eyes, and all he could see was a smoky white and a feint orange glow.

He blinked a few times and everything came back into focus.

He felt... unsettled. And he hated not being able to know why.

“Hello Matt, it is good to see you awake.” Matt turned to the side of his bed where a small group of people stood, though he hadn't even heard them walk in. The man who had spoken, and stood second closest to him, had a head of messy black hair with dark eyes.

He wore a white long-sleeved shirt with slightly baggy jeans; his hands were in his pockets as he slouched.

There was also a nurse, who stood there fidgeting slightly, a doctor and the blonde from before.

“Mello here tells me that you are having trouble remembering who he is.” the doctor, a middle aged man who was already half bald, stated while he looked at the chart he'd brought along, as though it had all the answers.

“Having trouble would be forgetting his name. No, I have a problem since I don't know who any of you are and wasn't even sure of my own name until a few seconds ago.” he stated rather bluntly.

To his amusement the doctor looked up, slightly startled.

“Well, at least his attitude is the same...” he heard the blonde, Mello he supposed, mumble half-heartedly.

“You remember nothing?” the doctor asked. Matt had been tempted to roll his eyes, but knew it wouldn't have been appreciated. He dipped his head ever so slightly, just enough that his too long hair shadowed his eyes.

“I have my smarts, but things like my childhood, where the hell I am and people I should know, are gone.” he chanced a glance at the blonde who seemed to shrink in on himself, shoulders slumped, and wished he could have answered differently.

“How long have I been asleep?” he asked. Though he supposed he should also have asked just what the hell had happened to put himself there in the first place...

“You have been in a coma for just under five months, all things considered, you're rather lucky.” the doctor stated while his eyes swept across his form.

Five months? That was a long time. No wonder he was so damn stiff. Great, that probably meant some physical therapy. What fun.

“So that’s why the scenery felt wrong...” he mumbled to himself, though the others had caught it.

“What was wrong about the scenery?” the nurse had finally spoken up and asked. He figured she was probably new or something, with the way she moved around, unable to stay still.

“Snow. There should have been snow... and something about smoke and an orange glow, but nothing else really.” no other reason for him to think the season was wrong. And in reality it wasn’t the season that was wrong. It was that he'd been out of commission to see it change, so his mind, whatever was left of it he supposed, found it wrong.

“He must remember only that tiny bit of the accident... which is actually good. It means that he'll have a better chance at remembering things in the future.” the doctor said as he'd turned to the still unnamed raven and ‘Mello’.

He hated being talked about when he was not even three feet from them, and the blonde seemed to understand that but only shrugged.

“Well now that you are awake, we'll do a few tests and get you something to eat.” the doctor motioned to the nurse as he walked off. Really, what did doctors actually do? It seemed it was the nurses who did everything. It was all in the pay he supposed.

“What exactly happened to put me into a coma?” it was really something they should have told him right off the bat. The nurse flashed that damn pen like light into his eyes, and smiled at him. The best he could do back was a grimace. Stupid light...

“You were shot in the head. You are very lucky to even be alive. And it doesn’t look like you have any major brain damage, despite the memory loss. But more tests will have to be preformed to be sure.”

He'd been shot in the head? What the hell...

“How much should we tell him? I mean, we can't just leave him in the dark...” Mello asked the nurse, though he shifted uncomfortably.

“Well, I’d say anything that might cause a shock to him should he remember it. And of course that includes the accident.” the nurse wrote something down on her own clipboard before she placed it at the front of the bed.

“I'll go get you that lunch now.” she smiled brightly and walked off; she seemed too happy.

“Well, I believe introductions are in order. I am L.” the raven haired man said as his thumb went to the side of his mouth. Matt blinked. That was L. Huh. Why didn't that surprise him? Had he previously met him before? He filed away those questions for later revision.

“I'm Mello. Your best friend...” Mello smiled weakly. Matt felt that squirmy feeling again and his hands twitched. He felt… anxious. It was almost as though a switch had been thrown and he suddenly, really, really wanted a cigarette.

“This may sound odd, but can I have a cigarette?” the look on Mello's face was priceless.

“Oh, so you can remember you practically chain smoke, but you can't remember me? Fantastic.” the blonde frowned, though Matt could also sense slight amusement, or maybe exasperation, in his tone.

“Mello, perhaps after Matt eats you could take him outside to smoke. It's more than warm enough, and he could probably use the fresh air. And going by how long his body had been stationary, it wouldn't be bad to test how far, if at all, he can walk on his own.” L said while he looked over at Mello.

Mello nodded after he'd glanced at Matt.

Matt didn't care one way or another, though he would have preferred to smoke first... but he supposed he was lucky they were even going to allow him to. If he'd asked the doctor he probably would have made up some stupid excuse to keep him away from his smokes.

Though it did strike him as odd how he seemed so attached to the things, when he couldn't even remember having liked them in the first place. It seemed his memory wasn't needed for everything.

He returned his attention to L, who had just begun to explain to him about Wammys and what it had been created for. It was odd to think he'd heard all of that before, still knew it, but couldn't remember it.

Then L got into the subject of Kira. Matt knew who Kira was. Almost everyone in the underground and otherwise knew who Kira was, though it was up to debate about just what was and wasn't Kira's handiwork.

Kira was the leader of a group of assassins, con artists and the like.

Matt's eyes widened slightly as L explained that he'd been sent to Wammys as Kira's spy. L had his full attention as he explained everything that he knew on the situation, which L said was probably less than half as they hadn't really had much chance to talk, including the fire where he'd been injured.

It was assumed that the agent he'd knocked out had shot him, though it could have easily been another one as L and the staff had only taken down two of them and it wasn’t known how many there had been. Mello then added in that he'd crawled back through the window and grabbed him, though the building had collapsed on top of them before they had fully gotten out the window again.

Matt winced. It was his fault the blonde had that scar on his face. It didn't make him look bad, but it must have been, and probably was still, painful.

“Mello you may fill in the rest later as I believe the food has arrived.”

Matt turned his gaze over to the other side of the room where the bubbly nurse walked in with a tray of food. How the hell had L heard that?

“I have some things to take care of at the moment so I will take my leave. I will try and visit again in a few days, should my cases not prove to be too time consuming.” L said while he stepped off the chair, bare feet stepping onto the floor.

“He's probably just going to eat more cake...” he heard Mello mutter under his breath the moment the detective had left the room.

“Here you are! I hope you enjoy it. And the doctor said to eat it all as you are a bit underweight. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.” the nurse smiled happily at him and walked off.

“Mello, if we are in the rebuilt Wammys, why are there nurses and doctors? I have a feeling Wammys didn’t have that normally.” Matt asked.

“Oh, well both of us were in rather bad shape but L couldn't really take us to a hospital for obvious reasons. So he got a hold of some people he trusted and they recommended the ones who are here.”

Matt nodded as he peered at what looked like it could have been chicken at one point or another in time. He had to eat that?

“Is all the food here like this?” he poked the lumpy mush with the spoon and felt his already small appetite dwindle even further.

“Thankfully not. And I’m not even sure where they got that...”

Mello's answer had not reassured him in the least. He sighed and picked up the random piece of toast and nibbled on the edge of it. “Probably last weeks leftovers...” he mumbled around the charred piece of bread.

The rest of what was on the tray looked just as unappealing.

Matt was then acutely aware of the sudden and rather noticeable silence between them. It was awkward; neither of them knowing what to say.

Matt wasn't sure what to do. He was supposed to be Mello's best friend. But he'd been a spy and could have easily destroyed the boys life. And he couldn't even remember...

“I don't blame you. I haven’t for months. You're my... best friend.” Mello broke the silence moments later, as though he had read his mind. He fiddled with something around his neck that hadn’t been there before. A rosary.

“You're religious?” Matt asked, as he averted his eyes back to the tray and eyed the jell-o cup wearily. For some reason, he doubted he liked the squishy stuff. He couldn’t remember, but there was just something wrong about the jiggly blue stuff.

“Yeah. Though it had been a while...” Mello trailed off, eyes locked on the red beads and Matt left him to it. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts and Matt didn’t want to disturb him.

He sighed. There was so much he had to remember. No one there knew his past, and Matt doubted he could ask his ex-employer. And just what had caused him to turn in the first place? He didn't regret it, he didn't think so at any rate.

But he wanted to know why. And L hadn’t exactly told him that part…

He finished the toast and pushed the mystery mush around the plate. He wanted a cigarette, not that crap they tried to pull off as food. He'd eaten a piece of toast... certainly that was enough to hold him off until dinner?

Unless dinner was much the same, in which case Matt knew he'd starve.

“I don't suppose you're going to eat that are you?” Mello asked. Matt shook his head and looked up at the blonde, to see that the rosary had mysteriously vanished once more. He wondered where the blonde kept it.

“I guess we can leave now...”

“I'm not setting foot out this door in this hideous hospital gown.” Matt motioned to the thing he'd been forced to wear.

Mello sighed and stood up, and for a moment Matt thought the blonde would just leave. “Fine. I'll go get you some real clothes. Any preference?” he noticed Mello wince as he said that, though he didn’t fault him for having slipped up.

“Whatever you want to grab is fine... can't say I know what I like.” Matt shrugged. It was weird. It seemed that things connected to his personality and social life had been forgotten but he knew mostly everything else.

If someone were to place a computer in front of him he could easily hack the pentagon, but ask him his favorite color and he drew a complete blank.

It was rather annoying.

Mello swiftly took his leave, and Matt hoped he'd come back rather than just skip out on him. He wouldn't blame the blonde if he did; it couldn't be easy having to deal with him. Mello was the one that remembered everything.

Yes it frustrated Matt, but he didn't know what he'd forgotten, didn't have any sad or happy memories. Wasn't missing a friend...

He just hoped that Mello didn't suddenly see him as too much trouble, because it seemed like Mello was his only friend, and he'd hate to lose him despite his memory issues.

Matt looked up at the soft click of heals on the floor. The nurse was back and didn't look too pleased with the small bit he'd eaten.

“I expect you to eat more at dinner. It's not good to leave meals unfinished.” she pursed her lips together in an attempt to look stern but looked more like she'd swallowed a lemon. An effect Matt knew she hadn't been going for.

He wasn't intimidated by her and knew that if the same type of 'quality' food was brought at dinner, vitamin enriched or whatever the hell it was, he wouldn't touch it. He doubted a goat would even eat it.

Though he knew he was probably being a bit dramatic. But seriously, don't serve something you wouldn't even eat yourself.

She said something else to him, but he hadn't really paid much attention until she had already left the room. As the minutes ticked by the more that anxious feeling clawed away at his belly until he was certain Mello wasn't going to come back.

He sighed and leaned back into the pillows and closed his eyes. Well... there was always tomorrow... right?

“Matt? Shit, don't tell me you went to sleep already!”

Matt cracked and eyelid open and grinned at the sight of the slightly depressed look on Mello's face. “Doubtful I could have fallen asleep even had I wanted to, with all the racket you're making.”

“At least you haven't lost your sarcasm. I think I would have died if you were suddenly all polite.” Mello commented dryly, though Matt could see the twitch of his lips.

Matt sat up, sore muscles protested the movement, and tossed back the covers and was able to clumsily throw his legs over the side of the bed. He glanced at Mello, who had put his requested clothing onto one of the chairs, and made an attempt at standing.

He was on his feet for a good five seconds before his legs gave out. “Shit!” he heard Mello curse as the blonde grabbed hold of him and prevented him from hitting the floor.

“Give me some warning next time you want to do that.” Mello grumbled. Matt wrapped an arm around the blonde’s waist and allowed himself to be half dragged over to the bathroom where his clothes were handed to him and the door pulled shut by Mello which left Matt alone.

“If you... if you need help just ask.”

Matt blinked and shook his head. Mello had sounded uncomfortable, though for what reason Matt couldn't understand. But it didn't really matter to him, he had to change clothes. Which ended up proving to be a little more than difficult, and almost resulted in his face meeting the floor more than once.

Though when he was finished he looked at himself in the mirror and wondered at the attire. A long-sleeved black and red striped shirt, tight fitting jeans and a pair of gloves. He stuffed the gloves into a pocket for the time being, though something seemed to be missing from the outfit, besides the obvious set of socks and shoes or whatever he wore on his feet.

Did he wear glasses or something? Or a hat?

He leaned on the counter and opened the door, which startled Mello who had been halfway leaning against it. Matt frowned at the addition of a wheelchair beside Mello, though he knew there was no way he'd be able to even walk a tenth of the way.

“Mello, there is something else that goes with this, isn't there?” he motioned to his clothing as Mello helped him into the chair. He heard Mello sigh and noticed him pull something out from behind his back.

“I was hoping you wouldn't notice...” Mello frowned and held out a pair of orange goggles. Matt couldn't explain the nostalgia that washed through him at the sight. He tentatively took hold of them and stared at them for only a moment before he slid them over his eyes.

He didn't ask Mello why he hadn't wanted him to wear them, as just admitting the fact seemed to make the blonde edgy. They stayed silent as Mello took hold of the wheelchairs handles and guided them from the room and into the hallway.

The hallways were empty and despite it being a nice day no one was outside either.

“Where is everyone?”

“Oh, they probably didn't even tell you what day it was. It's in the middle of the week so everyone is in class.” Mello said while he held open, what Matt assumed was the main door, for him to wheel out of.

Matt could only just make it out of the doors before he had to stop or topple down the stairs. Wouldn't that have been a nice way to officially begin his day?

There was no way Matt was going down the stairs with the wheel chair. Not while he was in it at any rate.

Mello watched him, as he struggled to his feet. He knew they wanted to see how much he could do on his own, as it would determine the correct type of treatment for his weakened muscles, but a little help would have been appreciated.

His legs wobbled dangerously, muscles strained tightly, as he gripped the railing and eased himself down the three steps to the grass. He let out a small sigh as he was on solid ground. At least if his legs gave out again, it wouldn't leave him cut up and bruised. Unless there was something odd about the grass he stood on...

“Come on, were going to that tree over there, where there's shade.” Mello stated and took a few steps ahead of him, though he did stop and turn around. It embarrassed him a bit to walk as unsteady as a toddler would, and need to be watched, but his legs were weak after five months of inactivity.

Matt knew he was lucky to even be awake... but even so, it took every ounce of concentration and energy he had to stay upright. That tree felt like miles away... and he’d only taken a few steps.

Mello quickly took pity on him, though it was probably more to the fact that it would have been harder to pick him off the ground than to just help him stumble to the tree, and wrapped an arm around his waist to help.

Things went much quicker after that and in no time they reached the shade. He slumped down the trunk of the tree until he was seated on a large exposed root.

His limbs felt like noodles and he was tired. Incredibly so.

Mello produced a pack of cigarettes and a lighter seemingly out of nowhere and Matt wasn't sure he wanted to know where they had been stored in that tight leather.

Matt ripped the packaging open and immediately lit one up, careful not to be hasty in the way he smoked least he start a coughing fit.

“I suppose I should fill you in on the stuff L wouldn't know. Though I can really only tell you about the four months you were my roommate. Wammys isn't big on sharing information, you know?” Mello stood, leaned against the trunk, with his face turned away from him as he gazed at the sky.

Matt smoked as he listened to the blonde explain what he knew. It wasn't much in the way of information, as just about the day to day things that had occurred. He was apparently big on games, which if he played again might be a good memory jog, though that was probably only wishful thinking on his part.

It seemed like Mello had skimmed over a few parts, whether they’d embarrassed him or weren’t important Matt couldn't tell, but he didn't press him about it.

From what Mello told him, and the slightly wistful tone of his voice, they really were close friends. Some people could claim to be best friends but the slightest things could break them apart. Perhaps he should have noticed it when Mello had stuck by him despite him having been a spy.

“Sorry I can't remember.” he whispered. He really wanted to. The more he heard, the more he began to yearn for everything he'd lost. It sucked, to put it bluntly.

He closed his eyes as a gust of wind gently ruffled his hair, like fingers that softly tugged at the medium length strands.

“I need a hair cut.” he couldn't help but state, it was punctuated by a piece of hair that found its way into his mouth. He spit it out and wrinkled his nose in distaste.

Mello snorted and picked up a strand and rolled it between his fingers. “It has gotten a bit too long. I'll see what can be arranged.” Mello didn't seem to notice, but he never let go of that piece even as he looked away.

Matt didn't mind; he kept his head still and lit his second cigarette.

He wasn't sure what would happen next, now that he was awake, but he knew that it would prove to be interesting if the blonde was involved.

-End confusion-

AN: This chapter took forever. *falls over* it was so hard to write... it probably shows too. But you know, I could have technically ended the fic here... as an open ending.... but I didn’t. :)

Don't think that things will stay calm till the end either. Buwhahahah!