For All the Wrong Reasons

For All the Wrong Reasons

by Lemon & Chai

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Rating: N17. Bondage, S&M, D/s, and well everything else. Yuki-muse is horny.

Summary: A YukiFuji, SanaTezu fic, with eventual fivesome with Atobe. Inspired by kitti-chan and lolistar.

Warning: a struggle to the end. -sweatdrop- this fic is past its three year anniversary...

Review replies:

ella_bella: waaah thank you! Nyaa what fics have you been writing with these super juicy Sana-dada pairings?! Do you have a link to them? -wants to read- Yosh, just for you, I'm putting an omake at the end of this chapter of Stoic Pair. This is actually the prequel drabble that inspired FATWR (it may not really fit into the plot though) - I wrote it for a friend's birthday, and it inspired, well... everything. XD

MasterAkira: bluenette is someone else's phrase XD; but I love using it. Noooo stupid photobucket... -sob- Atobe knows the ins and outs of sex nee? XD; Poor Yuki... he didn't do anything wrong (initially)...

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Part 25

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There is a kind of strength gained from viciousness, and a kind of viciousness that comes from fear, the desperate kind of strength a cornered cat will use to trounce against a dog, or a tiger upon a hunter. Every muscle in the body is on fire, every sense seething and churning, the mind whiting out as it knows the option of flight has been stripped, and now the only choice is fight. It is the most terrifying kind of strength, for it comes from terror itself.

Despite the hospitalization which degraded his muscles, despite the illness which had lessened his disposition dramatically over the years, it still took Sanada, Tezuka, and Atobe together to hold Yukimura back.

"Nee, Seiichi... who was it who hurt you?"

As the words sunk through the air, Yukimura's skin turned more and more pale, a cold white seeping across his face, a blank, stricken look within his eyes. He turned towards Fuji, as if conflicted over what he'd just heard, but his lips drew tight. He didn't question it, he didn't play dumb, perhaps because he'd suspected that the tensai already knew, being what he was. But even so, Syuusuke was never supposed to say it.

Atobe's eyes grew hard; he also had suspected but wasn't as certain - but Sanada and Tezuka looked lost. It was only as Yukimura's expression started to change, started to twist, that they wised up and moved towards the bed.

It was like an instinct, they could sense the danger stabbing through the air, and Yukimura's nails had already drawn claw marks across Fuji's cheeks before Atobe grabbed his arm.

"You-!" Yukimura screamed, even as Tezuka moved between him and Fuji and grabbed him by the shoulders. Sanada had enough mind to grab his other arm, and the three team leaders forced him back towards the mattress.

"Let go of me!" the bluenette cried, his voice cauterized by a sense of betrayal, as his intended victim stood frozen before him. At the moment he wanted nothing more than to tackle the tensai and tear him to shreds and slam him on the ground and fuck the crap out of him, until he shut up and forgot about it.

"Seiichi, please-" Fuji begged, tears forming in his eyes, believing he truly had a chance to make progress.

"Let go of me!" screamed the enraged captain. "Stop it! ... stop it...." His cries turned to pleading, stunning the three youth holding him. They let go and he collapsed onto his knees, sobbing on the floor. Fuji moved to comfort him but the diva wisely held him back.

Confused and horrified, they stared with wide eyes at the fallen captain, whose hands and face had turned white. "I can't...." Yukimura's hand were shaking, his pupils dilated and focused at nothing. "I can't do this.... I can't stop..."

"Seichi..." Sanada choked, his voice catching in his throat. He didn't understand... no, he just didn't want to believe it. What did Fuji mean by 'hurt'?

Feeling that the vice captain might make things worse, Tezuka motioned for him to stay back while he himself moved closer to Yukimura. The effeminate captain didn't seem to see him, to even acknowledge his motions as he knelt down to his level. The bluenette tightly gripped the sheet that Sanada had been sleeping on earlier, knuckles turning white from the strain.

"Yukimura." Clearing his throat, Tezuka spoke in his normal, commanding voice. But there was a hint of gentleness in his tone as he asked, "Tell us what's wrong." He considered his words very carefully, running through his mind everything that had happened over the past few weeks. What they had done, things that were said... "You've had each of us tell you what our problems are. About our pasts. Shouldn't you..." He paused as realization dawned on him. Maybe the reason Fuji had asked such a question was... "This... is what you wanted, wasn't it? To be able to tell us."

Or maybe just Sanada.

"This is why you're doing this, why you brought us together" ... because you knew you'd never be able to tell him by yourself...

Nurturing was more of Fuji's specialty, but Tezuka did his best to adjust the pillows and blankets Sanada had used as a bed to make the bluenette more comfortable on the floor. He was careful not to touch him. Now that Tezuka was starting to read him, he could tell Yukimura was trying to calm himself down. He knew better. He knew how terrible it was, to lose control and lash out... he was very aware of his own problem.

"I just... can't... stop..."

Eyebrows furled, lips trembling, Yukimura's expression was full of pain, but he wasn't crying. He still wasn't looking at them, but focus came back to his eyes, as he slowly regained his composure.

It wasn't that he didn't want to tell. He was terrified, yes. He was ashamed, yes. But he knew better. He knew he would never get over this if he only kept it locked inside. Actually, it had gotten so much worse over the years, festering inside him...

But now that he was given an opportunity to speak, it was hard. Even though it was illogical, he felt like he couldn't, like he just couldn't. like he was attempting to walk on a cloud, because it looked so soft and fluffy, and found himself falling through. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. He was trapped, in the same horrible chains of medications and hands and weakness of that time so long ago, and the vague memories consumed him in a cloud of fear. If only he could lash out, remind himself he was still in control...

Fuji, trembling in concern, cautiously knelt down next to him, Atobe keeping his hands protectively on the tensai's shoulders.

"How did you..." Yukimura muttered darkly, face hidden by his bangs, which clamped down against his sweat stained skin.

"I just had a feeling..." The brunette whispered, a tiny smile ghosting his face. It seemed as if the bluenette was fighting his urges to attack him, and trying to speak. By this point, Atobe and Tezuka were almost as pale as Yukimura. They never imagined that such a strong, vibrant being could have been hurt in such a way, if it was like the two effeminate lovers seemed to be hinting. "Seiichi, you can trust us. We won't think any less of you. We know how strong you are-"

"What would you know?!" Yukimura screamed, burying his face in his hands. It was awful, hearing Tezuka say everything he really wanted, hearing it all said out loud, and at the same time his heart was screaming, screaming to keep it all closed, all locked away. It had been so painful, never confiding in anyone, and lonely, but now that he had his chance he just... couldn't. It hurt too much. He wanted to hurt something else in his place. To make the pain go away.

"Yukimura."

The strong, familiar voice pierced through his turmoil, and his head shot up, his eyes locking with those beautiful obsidian ones he knew too well. "Ge-... Sanada."

"Yukimura," Sanada kneeled before him, putting his hands on his shoulders, and looked him square in the eye. "I need to know."

It was like they were at practice. Before they were lovers, Sanada had been his teammate, his rival, his support, and his best friend. They had been, perhaps, more comfortable with each other then than when they crossed the line towards the forbidden fruit, tasting the apple of knowledge that would surely bring about their exile from paradise. Back then, they used to really talk, about anything and everything, about their families and friends and classes and teammates and tennis. They were too young and pure to know about dirty things like secrets. They knew, of course, what not to share with their peers, with their parents, or teammates, but with each other they didn't see any boundaries. Before they knew about love and making love they had experimented together, masturbating or watching porn or talking about girls or even other guys. No topic was off limits, and they never had any problems. It wasn't like they always agreed, but there were no ulterior motives, no struggle for power other than beating each other at tennis, and even that was an innocent rivalry.

Breathing in deeply, Yukimura focused on that time. He closed his eyes, imaging he was sitting on the bench, watching his team play on the courts, jacket draped over his shoulder's like a king's cape, calm and strong and in his element.

"Back... then, when I was sick..."

Blowing out softly, he glanced around, and found the others were with him too. Watching, waiting, listening with gentle eyes. He could trust them.

"I wasn't sure how to handle it, and neither was anyone else. It wasn't the flu, I couldn't just go home and rest for a few weeks and come back all better.

"Some days I'd be fine, and other times I... couldn't move. Maybe my arm, maybe my leg, sometimes my whole body... I was lucky, they said, that my lungs never stopped. I think they did, actually, a few times, but not for very long and I somehow got through it on my own. The drugs helped, at least with that, but they weren't good enough that I could play tennis. There were too many times I... fell, during class, walking home, at the train station... in the kitchen... on the court...

"I couldn't stand it. The helplessness, the hopelessness. My own body was betraying me, and there was no one to blame, no way to fight it...I didn't have any control. I finally decided to give in, to wholly trust the doctors, to put my hope in them...

"The only ones who knew were Sanada and my parents, but the surgery was actually very dangerous. And the success rate was low... the doctors told me repeatedly that if I just took medication and watched my condition, the disease would pass naturally... but after many years. I couldn't wait that long. I needed to play... to move... and when it got to the point I had to be hospitalized, we decided together with the doctors to go ahead with the procedure.

"Sanada, you remember... we talked up on the roof? I felt much better after that. I'd been afraid before, but after that, I was sure it would be okay. And everything did go fine...

"It was only later that.... that I remember..."

He bit his lip, and Sanada took his hand and gave it a small squeeze. He might let go, though, once he heard the next part, Yukimura knew.

"I- .. at the time, well, it was a normal procedure I thought. Just before the surgery, after the nurses had completed the preparations, a male nurse, one I didn't know, came in. ... The drugs were already starting to kick in, but I thought I felt it, saw it, him... touching me, all over, but... then I went under. So I really don't know ...

"When I woke up, the team was there. Genichirou was there. Everything was still fuzzy. They told me the surgery was successful, and I was so happy... I didn't remember... until later that night. I woke up, feeling the pressure from his hands...

"I vaguely recalled, as he pushed me down, how he had come in before the surgery, how he had touched me... I barely had a chance to start before he pressed my face into the pillow. I couldn't see him. He'd rolled me onto my stomach before I woke up. He pressed me down with his body until I could no longer struggle, and stroked my back with his hands. I can still...feel it...sometimes... even though my nerves were paralyzed from the drugs... I could feel it.... the pressure....

"l don't even know if anything happened. I was drugged, delirious... one of the pain killers they gave me was a hallucinogenic. I think he gave me more than my usual dosage... No... I know he did. I remember he did, now... he was laughing at me, he said he was surprised that I could struggle even with all the drugs he'd given me. He said he liked how feisty I was, that it was more fun than usual. That..that I was beautiful...that I was the best he'd ever had-"

A gasp shot from his mouth as he realized he wasn't the only victim. His memories were coming back, clearer than they'd ever been, now that he was actually letting himself remember. Sanada was gripping his hand rather tightly, as if the captain were the one offering comfort, and he could hear the unspoken words from the others, Go on, for now...

"I think I screamed, but he muffled it with the pillow... I remember pain, and numbness, and being so weak I could barely move.

"With all the drugs, I should have been completely numb. And yet I could feel everything. The pain, the tearing... the wet cloth he used to clean up... the...pounding... him going in and out over and over again... his hands shuddering as he came... the pressure... the pressure.... so heavy against my back...

"I could feel how warm his hands were on my back. They were sweaty, clammy, burning. I could smell blood mixed with sweat, like when Kirihara injures someone at practice, even over the sterile, acid smell of the hospital. He grunted as he moved and pulled my hair-"

Sanada grabbed his upper arms, suddenly pulling him into a hug without wrapping his arms completely around him. Gasping from his frozen state, Yukimura's eyes grew wide as he realized he'd been crying. He never felt the tears stream down his face but he could feel the cold trail of air from where they'd been.

"I... I didn't remember... this much detail... until now..." he choked, his throat clogged with tears. "It was only... the first time we made love since I'd been in the hospital... in the middle of that, it suddenly hit me... a flood of images... and after that it took me a long time to sort through the memories...

"At first, I was frightened. Of everything I didn't know, of everything I did.

"I don't know who he was. I don't even really know what he did to me. It might have been more than that time. Maybe... he gave me the wrong drugs that time. Maybe there were other times I don't remember. I don't know...but... my body does. It remembers. It reacts to things I shouldn't be afraid of. I... once again, once again, it betrayed me..."

Gasping for air, he found it very hard to breath. He pulled away from Sanada, more afraid of the embrace than comforted by it. But he didn't let go of his best friend's hand.

Focus, focus. Watch the ball, carefully, become aware, of the ball, of yourself, of your opponent. Expand your awareness, focus… that's the key to opening the first door…

He calmed down enough to continue.

"After that ... I started feeling angry. First at him, then, slowly, everyone else... the doctors, my parents..." he paused, averting his eyes away from Sanada, "... for not being able to protect me. And finally, at myself, for being so weak. For needing others, when I never should have relied on them in the first place-"

Sucking in sharply, he gulped and forced himself to continue speaking. "I know... it's not my fault. I just... feel angry, all the time now. I can control it, but I can't stop it, or make it go away. I........

"On the courts, I'm myself, and everything that happened in the hospital was a bad dream. I... can't think anything more than that."

Silence ruled the floor that they were now all seated on, lasting for endless minutes, until Sanada stood up with a stomp. He gave Yukimura's hand to Tezuka, and stormed from the room.

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A/N: Oooo. I wasn't sure whether to stop there or go on, but then next part didn't have a good stopping point. Special bonus omake below ~

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~ Special Prequel Omake ~

A/N: Stoic Pair dedicated to ella_bella and originally written as marourin's birthday present; the piece that inspired For All The Wrong Reasons. It doesn't really fit into the plot, so it sort of goes before the story starts.

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One of the problems with having a boyfriend with no expressions was that he was impossible to read.

That didn't matter for Sanada, though, since he already was terrible at reading people anyway.

All in all, he never knew what Tezuka wanted or was thinking.

"What's wrong?" Tezuka's stern, flat tone didn't match his words.

Jolted out of his thoughts, Sanada turned to face his boyfriend and shook his head. "It's nothing. I was just wondering where we should go today."

The reason Sanada was struggling so much was because he was trying to figure out where to take Tezuka on a date. He wasn't much of a romantic, and neither was Tezuka, but still, he wanted to take the stoic captain somewhere he would enjoy.

"Ah," was the only response he got. Great, that didn't help at all.

"I was considering an amusement park, or perhaps the zoo." Sanada watched Tezuka closely, but the brunette's expression never changed. As he expected.

".... If that's what you'd like."

Hmm. A five word response. Maybe that pause was a clue to something. Sanada mentally checked through the list Yanagi had given him before... amusement parks and zoos he crossed off, then decided to filter out aquariums, shopping, and fairs while he was at it.

"Perhaps we could go to a parlor for ice cream, or coffee, and then go-" Oh great, he was about to suggest they go to his house afterwards. Way to look like slime, he thought with a grimace.

Sanada had sworn to himself that he wouldn't push Tezuka too fast. After everything with Yukimura, he was determined to keep his libido under control. He'd been lucky, very lucky, that Tezuka had accepted him at all - their first date, which was a simple walk in the park; their second date, in which they met for tennis and dinner, and now, their third... and he had been good about not forcing a kiss on the conservative youth, but he'd decided that today was time for a step up.

Thus, today's date had to be very, very special.

Except he hadn't even planned what they would do.

"I ...."

Sanada turned quickly towards Tezuka, a small amount of nervousness in his hands, as he waited for whatever the bespectacled brunette had to say.

"I enjoyed walking in the park."

Sanada's eyes widened slightly, as he realized that there would be no more. And yet in a small sentence, Tezuka had said so much.

"Alright... I also liked the park. Though it'll be cold this time of year..." He glanced at Tezuka and was rewarded with a small affirmative nod. So he was right. "There's Million Gardens Park only a few stations from here. It should be quite now, and there's a comfortable cafe nearby."

They started walking towards the station, tacit yet comfortable. A small smile graced Tezuka's lips, which Sanada returned. Perhaps Tezuka was not so difficult to read after all.

~ Omake Fin ~

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A/N (lol A/N 3): It is breaking my heart how dead adultfanfiction(dot)net has become. But despite that, the latest chapters of FotWR will be posted here! So long as I see at least one review, telling me someone still visits often enough to read it. So yes... review, please, and let me know it gets some traffic!