Choices

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note

AN: I will tell you, I have been looking forward to writing this for some time.... some of you had some guesses on this many chapters back, but now you will get a better glimpse at it... Have I lost you yet? I hope so, I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise...... *insert evil laughter*

AND there are only THREE MORE CHAPTERS LEFT plus the epilogue..... So things are coming to a close soon..... buwhahaha. :)

Also for this chapter thing in --this-- mean memories.

Suggested listening: The Best of Me by The Used; Come Undone by The Used

Chapter Twenty-Three: Forgotten

Matt looked lazily across the room and waited to see if Mello would break his sudden fit of studying and glance at the clock, or just get up in order to eat breakfast. The clock steadily ticked closer and closer to the beginning of breakfast and yet Mello still sat there, nose in book.

It struck Matt as wrong, for some reason. And he felt a headache on the rise. He didn't much care, at that point, if they missed breakfast, if he got a headache. But there was just something...

--"Mello, you’re smart. No, brilliant. You’d have to be to have stayed at the top for so long. You won’t fall further than second. And you're already there. If the points don't show an improvement from you taking small breaks, I’ll buy you a few bars of that expensive chocolate you mentioned Roger not letting you have."

"However, if the points do show that you have improved I’ll buy you a case of that chocolate."--

The words, spat from his own mouth once, flashed through his thoughts. And he knew why Mello's studying had bothered him. "You know Mello, breakfast started five minutes ago..." Matt trailed off and he watched as Mello waved him off and never took his eyes from the pages.

"I'm fairly certain that you are currently breaking our deal at the moment." he made sure to emphasize 'deal' so it would more than catch Mello's interest. And it did. Mello's head snapped up and blue eyes locked onto him, a questioning look, almost as though Mello was afraid to hope he'd remembered something.

"Matt your memories...?"

"Just that one." he muttered. And despite the notion he could loose his chocolate for that, Mello grinned widely. Though he'd previously decided not to tell Mello when he remembered things, his smile had been worth it. And Matt figured, as it was about the deal, he could make an exception for that memory. Though now, more than ever, he wanted to remember everything.

“I suppose I have to stop studying...?” Mello asked, though his tone was almost hopeful, as though he believed he may be allowed to continue to study. Matt nodded his head that yes, he had to stop.

Friday or not, Mello would go to breakfast.

Mello frowned but complied, still for the most part happy, and slid off the bed. Matt already had his boots on and merely waited for Mello to get his things ready before they headed out. Breakfast was much the same as always, with Near at the table and Mello worrying over the upcoming tests.

Matt made it to the first test relatively ok, until the headache started. It was a soft, yet still noticeable, pain behind his eyes that stretched across the bridge of his nose. He finished the test, with hardly any motivation, and played with his PSP under the table and continued on like that until lunch.

Where, unluckily for him, the pain worsened, but nowhere near the level of the migraine he had before. The only plus Matt saw out of anything so far that day, was that Mello appeared far more relaxed around him despite the near kiss the previous day.

Matt wondered if it were simply just one of the things Mello had simply decided to ignore or had decided that he'd imagined.

Matt wasn't quite sure how he felt about that...

The only test Matt really even paid attention to, after lunch had ended, was the last one which was the computer/technology one. Though it was easy for him, especially with the kind of thing L had asked him to do on the side.

He had thought the day of testing had been rather boring, though considerably less boring than having to sit around the room reading and being forced to 'rest'. Matt headed outside for a smoke, after he'd seen Mello stomp from the classroom, to give Mello time to cool off from whatever had set him off that time.

It still bothered him how warm the air way, and he wondered if he would feel that way until it was winter again, or if it would gradually fade away as his mind readjusted to the lost time. He supposed that it didn't really matter, at any rate.

He watched as a few of the younger children kicked a ball around and squealed with laughter. Matt wondered if he'd ever been that happy as a child.

He stubbed the cigarette out and went inside. Each day it became easier and easier to walk, though he knew it would be a while before he could try and relearn any of the fighting skills he supposedly had.

Even if they were safe now, didn't mean they would stay safe. Kira had infiltrated Wammys once, and that meant he could potentially do it again. Matt wanted to have at least some way of protecting himself should that happen.

Mello had a chocolate bar shoved hastily into his mouth when Matt entered the room, and had been in the process of pacing the room in aggravation. Mello had paused mid-stride as Matt had walked in and made a rather amusing picture.

There was a muted 'snap' as the bar broke and clattered to the floor that made Matt snort in laughter. Mello scowled and retrieved the fallen chocolate that had only been saved from the floor by the wrapper.

Matt left the blonde to his pacing and pulled the laptop from the throws of standby and sat at the desk to continue on rebuilding the system from scratch.

He had just gotten through a semi difficult area, as he had to make it stand up to someone of his caliber hacking into it, when a bar of chocolate was thrown at him. Or at least near him, as it had landed halfway onto his hand and the keyboard.

He looked up, as he paused what he had been doing, and glanced at the time though he could have easily pulled it up on the laptop despite the numerous windows and programs open. “Dinner than?” Mello rolled his eyes to his question so Matt sighed and shoved the chair away from the desk and stood.

Mello went to snatch the chocolate bar from the desk but Matt was quicker. “I think it's mine now since you threw it at me. If I knew you would be so careless with this stuff I would have asked L only to get you one bar.”

Mello frowned and narrowed his eyes and just when Matt thought the blonde would walk away Mello sprung foreword and seized the bar from his lax grip. He laughed at the serious expression on Mello's face and shook his head at the absurdity of it all.

“I only threw it at you since you always complained about the textbooks...” Matt knew not to question Mello from the tone of voice he'd adopted.

“Alright, let's just go before missing dinner is somehow my fault.” Matt commented and pushed Mello from the room.

Matt seated himself at the end of the table which left Mello, who snarled at Near, to sit at his right while Near was seated to his left. Apparently it had been Near to piss Mello off earlier, and even now.

Shocker.

“Mello, while I don't particularly care if you happen to lunge across the table and strangle him, can you do it after I’ve eaten?” he commented dryly. Really, Mello was how old?

Mello crossed his arms and continued to glare at the albino, though he may as well have just huffed 'if I must!', as though restraining himself was something beneath him. Matt rolled his eyes.

He had so far never seen Mello loose it and go after Near, and he was almost curious as to what would happen should it occur, though he knew Near would probably be in a bad way after the encounter.

Matt made sure to eat slowly and only finished once he was sure Mello wouldn't cause the albino any bodily harm, as Mello would get in trouble for that.

Once back in their room, after dinner had ended, Matt watched Mello as he pulled out the piles of textbooks and began to scan through them to look for what he would have gotten wrong on the tests.

Apparently he'd been too wound up to do so earlier...

Matt went back to the paused programs with a sigh. Mello would give himself a heart attack long before Matt died of the cigarettes Mello was worried over. Sort of amusing in a sick way.

Matt still didn't see what was so great about all that rankings crap, even with having met L.

The laptop beeped angrily so he pushed all other thoughts away to concentrate on the task at hand, something he should have done before he had unpaused everything...

Having to create a completely new system, while difficult in a way, was made more so by the fact that he had to update and change his own designs into something that Kira wouldn't immediately recognize or have any idea how to get through.

It was a challenge and it had already taken him longer than anticipated to get to where he was, sometime around twelve. The screen, despite his goggles, had made him even more tired than usual and he had felt his eyes droop more than once in the past half an hour.

And despite wanting to make more headway he knew he had to call it a night, added to the fact that Mello had just finished his nightly routine and had slipped under the covers. He would have been told to stop sooner or later anyway, despite it being the weekend.

He left one program to finish its run, as he got ready for bed, and put the laptop onto standby after he'd paused everything again.

He didn't bother with his PSP as he doubted he'd be able to see the screen at the moment, and instead pulled his goggles free and closed his eyes. He knew Mello wasn't asleep yet despite his deceptively soft breathing, but it was enough to lull him to sleep after a while.

-

Matt woke, sometime later, sweat covered and ill feeling. His head spun and he stumbled blindly to the bathroom and in his haste didn't bother to shut the door when he turned the light on.

He splashed cold water onto his face and couldn't seem to calm his breaths. He was so damn dizzy, having to hold onto the sink for support, and he clenched his eyes tight; colors flashed across his mind, sounds, images he didn't want...

--“Mail, your eyes are so gorgeous! Just like mine. My emerald eyed angel.” a woman with long auburn hair and green eyes gushed.

She had such a beautiful smile and her voice was soft but firm; her eyes shinned in mirth behind the glasses she wore and the wedding ring was cool against Mail's cheek where her hand rested. --

He felt bile rise up as the acids in his stomach churned unpleasantly.

--“You damn brat! Why can't you be normal? You always look at me with those damn calculating eyes of yours, what would you do if I gouged them out, huh?!”

Mail cowered behind the couch as a chair was flung across the room aimed at him. He whimpered in fear as his father stalked menacingly over towards him.

He always hit too hard...he was only nice when too drunk to remember why he hated them so much.--

Oh god, why had he wanted to remember?

--“Mail, I love your eyes, I really do. They are so very expressive.” he looked up at his mother, but was scared; she didn't smile at him as she said those things. She pried his tiny hands away from her skirt, her eyes sad.

He didn't like that look. That look spoke of guilt. That look spoke of goodbye...

“Oh don't worry, I’ll be back, I'm just going on a little trip. I'll be back before you know it.” she gave him a half smile but he could see the pain in her eyes. She was lying.

His mother had left; left him with that man... left him after she told him his eyes were so very expressive.

She had left him with that monster...--

Matt couldn't hold it back anymore and vomited into the sink, stomach heaving, and tears at the corner of his eyes.

--“Your bitch of a mother took all our money and ran off.” his father stated in an eerily calm manner. Mail had known that his mother wouldn't be coming back, had known it from the look in her eyes, from the worry lines on her usually flawless face.

She had left him.

“Now, how do you suppose I make up that money?” his father asked, voice still absolutely calm, as he circled him. Mail swallowed harshly and flinched at the deadly serious, business-like look on his father face.--

He barely had enough time to breathe as another wave passed. He was only upright for a few more seconds before his legs gave out and he crumpled to the tiled floor, shaking.

He heard movement near him and didn't bother to compose himself, if he even could as Mello knelt down beside him. “Damn, Matt are you ok? You're crying...” Mello sounded shocked and Matt hadn't even noticed the tears until Mello had pointed them out.

He had wanted to remember... that?

“My name is Mail.” he whispered. He shook harder. He knew they weren’t supposed to say their real names but his weary emotions overran most rational thought. “It's Mail. I hate that name!” he sobbed.

His father had given him that name...

He stilled as Mello gently wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him close. His fists clenched and he didn't know how to stop thinking about everything. He couldn't get the images out of his mind.

The smiles.

The fists.

Everything.

“Matt calm down.” Mello whispered to him and pulled him closer. He could hear his own harsh breaths and felt his heart pound away in his chest so fast it hurt; like at any moment it would burst through his ribcage and onto the floor.

Mello's fingers tangled themselves in his hair and Matt closed his eyes and just let himself be held; he felt safe in those arms. He also felt drained, like he had no energy, but he didn't mind much.

He could let himself break, just for that moment, just until the memories stopped... It was alright though, just him and Mello, sitting on the bathroom floor.

-

His eyes fluttered open and he groaned at the headache that greeted him as the sun shone in his eyes. He rolled over in the bed and reached for the nightstand and once he'd grabbed hold of the goggles he tugged them over his eyes.

Some of the pain receded and he let himself relax for a few more moments, long enough for the fog of sleep to recede enough for normal thoughts.

His body felt achy and tired, as though he'd fallen asleep in the rain; his joints were stiff as he moved. He really hoped that wouldn't impact all the progress he'd made...

He heard the soft crinkling of a wrapper and peered over the top of the bunched up blanket to see Mello as he sat on his bed and calmly ate his chocolate, though there was the slight line between his eyebrows that generally indicated he was bothered by something.

Matt's eyes widened slightly as the night before flashed across his mind.

Oh god...

He shut his eyes tightly and willed himself to stay calm. He took a deep breath and pushed the memories of his past to the back of his mind. And Mello...

He'd told Mello his real name.

Mail... Mail Jeevas.

Though he hadn't said his full name at the time.

He had been so overwhelmed the night before that he hadn't thought of the consequences. Mello could easily, with L's help, find out his entire past. Seriously, how many people could have named their child Mail in the past seventeen years? One that had red hair and green eyes...?

And from what he'd remembered of his past... he didn't want anyone else to know of it. Though perhaps Mello could be persuaded not to dig?

He didn’t have time to lie around in bed; he needed to know just what Mello knew. He sat up with a small wince and instantly felt Mello's eyes on him. He'd certainly made a fool of himself the night before...

Though Mello had been rather nice about it..

“Matt...?” Mello asked hesitantly as Matt slid from his bed; he wobbled only slightly and stretched to ease the discomfort in his sore muscles. Now that he actually thought about it, he didn't remember ever having gotten to bed the night before... did that mean Mello had carried him?

Matt felt heat rise to his face and turned his gaze away from Mello.

“Yeah?” he finally said, as Mello had sat there and waited rather patiently for him to respond.

“What the hell was that all about last night?” Mello's voice held no malice in it, only question, and Matt smiled a bit at the last, concern.

“It was... I remembered something from before Wammys.” he stated hesitantly. He chanced a glance at Mello and found that Mello was surprised, if his expression was anything to go by.

“You sounded delirious and… in pain. You kept muttering something about 'Mail'. Do you have any idea what that was about?” Mello questioned, his attention solely focused on Matt.

Matt knew he had to have had a rather deer-in-headlights look about him as Mello had looked slightly guilty for having asked.

“Just forget it, please.” Matt said despondently.

“Sorry I mentioned it...” Mello trailed off. He was silent for a long time and Matt knew by the blank expression on his friends face that he felt bad.

But at least it meant Mello would back off with his questions, even if he wouldn't forget.

Matt knew he'd rather just forget about it. But he doubted he'd ever be able to get those images out of his mind again, and honestly, had no idea how he had before.

Some things were... just too...painful.

-End Forgotten-

AN: As for Mello not knowing Matt's name, Matt wasn't exactly speaking as clearly as he'd thought. When you’re in a certain state of mind sometimes things that sound perfectly clear to you come out as nothing more than a jumble of words to others. :)

And I don't know if anyone has noticed, but Matt finally seems more like himself, in the first few chapters since he woke up, his character has been sort of awkward due to the memory loss. But as Matt gains more of his memories it seems the more like 'himself' he is... not sure if I explained that right.... sounded fine in my head... o_0;

I’ll leave it to your imaginations as to the rest of what happened in Matt's past, though I am curious to hear what you inferred from what was written. :)