The Past Life

I wonder now if there was a special reason I was assigned the task of killing the Princess. Beryl had no memory of her past at that time, and I'm not even sure that she would have known about my feelings for the Master, but perhaps she knew subconsciously that I would be the best person for the job.

In the past, after I got over the initial shock, I developed a deep hatred for the Moon Princess. That hatred was spurred on every time I saw her and the Master together. Eventually when Beryl, with Metalia, took control of the Earth I blamed the Princess for Earth's destruction and I died with that blame and hatred inside me.

My loyalties to the Master never wavered however. Once my memories were returned to me, I did everything in my power to serve him once more. His memories were still lost, and he had already started to have feelings for the Princess again. I had to stop that from happening.

To prevent the tragedy from occurring again.

Was I really trying to prevent the Earth's destruction a second time, or was it more than that? I was always trying to awaken the Master's memories, but was I secretly hoping that the memories that would surface contained our relationship? Was I truly that selfish?

Don't, Master! Go back!

When Beryl used us against him, I did mean those words. While having the Master in the Dark Kingdom would keep him close to me, I did not wish that for him. I would not wish that for anyone.

In the end, he did come to the Dark Kingdom, and as a result I saw him on a regular basis.

He would often come and speak to me. I believe I was the one he spoke to the most out of the remaining Shitennou. Gradually his memories started to return.

“What do you remember, Master?”

“Usagi, or rather Serenity. We were running through a field together. She was laughing so hard and had to sit down to take a breather,” he chuckled, “she would always... Zoisite? Are you alright?”

I realized then that I had my fist clenched tightly at my side, so tight that it was actually shaking. Slowly I unfolded my fingers and stared at them for a moment in disbelief. “I'm fine. It was nothing, Master.”

“Master, what's wrong?”

I had been playing and didn't notice right away that he was in the room. I found him staring at me with a confused expression on his face, the fingers of his right hand pressed lightly to his forehead. “I... had a strange dream last night.”

“A dream?”

“Of the past life, but I don't think it was real. It couldn't have been.”

I had trouble holding myself back as I pressed for details. “May I ask what you saw, Master?”

He shook his head as if trying to clear it of his thoughts. “I'm not really sure... we...” he trailed off as his fingers left his forehead and brushed past his lips. Shortly after his face was suddenly contorted in shock. “That's not right.”

“Master?” I asked, leaving the piano. I took a few steps in his direction, but stopped when he looked at me with what could only be described as fear. “Master...”

He turned and left, almost running from the room. I knew that he had remembered then, or at least had remembered some detail of when we were together, but I could not have predicted a reaction like that. The memories of the past that I cherished brought out fear in him? I didn't understand how that could be.

Several days passed before I saw the Master again. He sent Jadeite to find me and ask me to come to his room so that we could speak in private.

Jadeite had little memory of the past, Beryl's hold on him was strong. When he told me the Master wished to see me, he did so nonchalantly, as if nothing was out of place about this, and really it wasn't. Except that I knew what subject was going to be discussed and Jadeite had no idea that such a thing had even happened. Perhaps it is best that not all things are remembered.

I knocked lightly on the door. I was reminded of so many nights in the past when I done just that. He would always be there to open the door, greet me warmly, and then...

“Come in,” his voice called from the other side.

I took a deep breath before opening the door myself. I glanced into the room before entering. Master stood by the window, looking out over the fake landscape. This was a recreation of the old palace on Earth, nothing about it was real. It didn't really matter than it was an illusion, however. The room we stood in was a perfect replica of his bedroom in the past.

Quietly I closed the door behind me and waited for the Master to speak. The only thing that was out of place was the Master's attire. He was dressed in his regular street clothes from this time, not the cream coloured uniform of his past. “Zoisite,” he said calmly. “Your memories of the past, are they intact?”

“Yes, Master. I remember everything.”

He was silent again. We both stood quietly for several minutes. I had no idea what he was thinking, as his behaviour over the past several days had been nothing like what I had expected. What had I been expecting anyway? That he would suddenly realize his feelings for me, pull me into a tight embrace? Kiss me again? Touch me the way he used to?

“I owe you an apology, but I don't feel that there is anything I can say that will make up for what I did to you then.”

“How much do you remember?” I asked.

“Enough. The day you found out about Serenity is the most clear. Before that it's just bits and pieces, but enough for me to understand what happened.”

“There is nothing you have to apologize for, Master.”

He turned away from the window then and looked at me. The shock of these memories had long since worn off. His expression now was one of sadness. “I used you, purposely mislead you, all because of my own selfish desires.”

I shook my head, “No, Master, that's not...”

“I don't want to make excuses for what I did to you, Zoisite,” he said, cutting me off, “but... I suppose being raised as a prince in that past made me assume that I could have anything I wanted. Now, I see how wrong of me it was to do that to you. Please forgive me.”

“That's not how it was...”

Master gave a small smile at this. “There is one thing I know now that I didn't know then,” he continued. “What it's like to be told that you can't be with the person you love any more.”

His words surprised me, I'm sure that was evident in my expression.

“Despite that, I still haven't given up hope that one day Usagi and I will be together again.” Master looked away for a moment while he paused. “But... if I knew that I couldn't be with her again, if I had to give up hope... I know there is nothing I wouldn't give to be able to hold her one last time.”

I stood there, almost dumbfounded as he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me. He felt the same as he had in the past and I couldn't help but lean against him, bringing my own arms around him.

“I'm sorry, Zoi,” he said, almost in a whisper.

My memories of the past were flooding my thoughts. All I could think of were the moments we had spent together and how much I wished to return to that time. I didn't want to cry now, but I couldn't stop the quiet sobs from coming forth. Master's hand ran over the back of my head in an attempt to comfort me. “I love you, Master.”

“I know.”

I don't know how long he held me like that. It could never have been long enough, and he understood that. Eventually my breathing calmed and my tears dried. I could hear his heart beat and breathed in his scent as he tightened the embrace for a moment. I knew it would end soon, but that knowledge didn't trouble me. I would always remember this kind gesture.

I pulled back and looked up at him. His hands remained on my shoulders and he gave me a warm smile, I couldn't help but smile back. “Thank you.”

Master removed his hands from my shoulders then and I was once again nothing more than a loyal servant. I placed my right hand on my chest and bowed before taking my leave, but before I reached the door, the Master asked me to wait.

“I know it's not much,” he said, “but I hope that you can at least be my friend.”

A friend. I had always viewed him as my Master, even when I had also thought of him as my lover. Always as someone who had much higher status than I. The word 'friend' implied that we would be equals, but even now I had trouble seeing the Master in that light. “I will try, Master. Perhaps with time.”

“Thank you, Zoisite.”

I nodded once before leaving his chambers. As I walked down the hall, heading for my piano once more, I felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. We were no longer lovers, or whatever it was that we had been, but I felt fine with that. All the pain I had felt from the past was gone. I no longer hated the Princess.

I sat on the piano bench and closed my eyes. For the first time in a long time I was able to play freely, unburdened by the past life. Even though the Master, my fellow Tennou, and I were still trapped in this prison Metalia had created, I felt at peace.