The Scars Remind Us

It would be so easy to just end it all.

A black cloud with no name.

A current carrying within it ribbons of blood.

Are these the things we fear?

There is a huge raven with black wings.

Whispers in the wind call out to me.

I am not afraid.

******

He pulled his bugnuk out from under the bed. He hadn\'t meant to doze off like that, right before sunset. He couldn\'t believe he had forgotten that the Namura mission was that same night. He hurriedly pulled on his clothes and goggles, then grabbed the claw, making a run for the door. He reached the garage as fast as he could, flinging open the door.

He stopped. The door behind him bounced once, then slid closed. He collapsed to the floor. Ran\'s car, Yohji\'s car, and even the motorcycles, were all gone. Twenty minutes late and they had just... left him. They hadn\'t tried to wake him up or anything. It must have been on purpose. They must have left him on purpose. Wasn\'t he even a part of Weiss anymore? A shock sent from his heart cut all the way down his body.

It was all a bad dream... that was it! He just had to wake up. He began to shiver violently. \'Wake up, Ken, wake up!\' He scooted towards the door back to the house. He opened the door and tumbled inside. It was then he realized that he wasn\'t going to wake up. Not now, not ever.

He banged his fists against the wall so hard he could feel his bones stinging. He stood, dragging his claw against the wall so he could hear something beyond the voices screaming in his head. The claw screeched against the plaster, almost as if it were the screams of the wall as he killed it. Killing the wall. He\'d kill all the walls if he had to. That\'s all he was good at, and if he didn\'t do it, there was no reason for him to exist. And if there were no walls left to kill...

He twisted on the water in the bathtub. He wasn\'t shaking any more. He could finally wake up now. He tested the water, adjusting it a little, then wondered why he had even bothered. He undressed and slipped in, actually glad that the water was warm. His head slid back, resting against the hard porcelain. A sigh hissed from his lips and he closed his eyes. \'Just relax... they didn\'t abandon you, they just left you because you\'ve still got a cold, remember?\'

\"Yeah, I just hate it. I feel like I\'m completely useless this way.\" Ken picked up the pen and paper he had taken into the room and began to write.

The pen stopped. His head rolled over to the side and he opened his eyes. His eyes locked on the bugnuk he had left there on the floor. It would be so easy to just cut through skin with that thing. He\'d done it thousands of times before. But what would it feel like? What would it be like to use it on himself? It would be easy...

He held up the letter he had written in his hand, reading it over. Man it sounded dumb. Even when he wrote he sounded like a bumbling retard. He crumpled it up in his hand and dropped it on the floor. He\'d pick it up when he got out. His eyes wandered back to the bugnuk.

He reached out of the bathtub and grabbed his claw. Putting it on over his right hand he unsheathed the claws, resheathed them, over and over. The metal was so smooth and shining, he almost thought there must be something beautiful hidden under these death bringers. The sparkle insinuated something innocent and flawless, but Ken knew it not to be the case. This thing was like a part of him, and just like him, it only knew death.

The claws now locked in place, he drew it across his left wrist, regarding the stinging pain as a scientist would an experiment. Then he drew it across higher, evenly spacing each claw mark until he had gone all the way up his arm. He looked at the claw again. That\'s how he was used to seeing it, covered in thin red ribbons of blood. That was how it was supposed to look. He then drew it across his upper thigh, long, thin cuts that pierced deep into his flesh. The sensation was much different here, so much more painful and so much more to cut through. He worked his way down to his knee, then started on the other leg...

...His body was so hot, his coppery skin reddened by blood and pain, but at the same time, the inside of his body was beginning to feel cold... A door opened somewhere in the distance, followed by Yohji shouting some obscenities. Well, they weren\'t very thrilled about the claw marks all over the walls... the cold cut deeper inside him and he began to shake... Looking down his left arm that hung limply outside the bath, he watched the blood run down through the tiles on the floor towards the door. His mind tripped over itself and his vision blurred.

Then the fear set in.

Yohji couldn\'t stop thinking about the damn walls. Ken was gonna repaint them, that was for sure, whether he wanted to or not. \"Did you guys see this? Fuck!\"

Omi looked around helplessly. \"Where\'s Ken, you guys? He\'s not in his room.\"

Yohji looked over, no sympathy on his face. \"He probably ran off because he knew I\'d KILL HIM FOR THIS!\"

Omi pushed in door after door down the hall. Don’t panic, Omi, don’t panic... All that was really left was the bathroom and the filing room. Be logical for a second... Omi twisted the knob to the bathroom. Locked.

\"Ken-kun? You in there? Answer me! Ken?\" He jerked at the door, but to no avail. \"Damn.\" Omi glanced at his feet then turned toward Ran and Yohji. \"I think he\'s—wait! What the!?\" He looked back down and saw the blackish red stain seeping into the carpet along where it met the tile from the bathroom.

Before waiting for any sort of reaction from the older boys, Omi threw his body as hard as he could against the bathroom door again and again. The hinges started to give. He slammed his body into it even harder and the hinges pulled out, the door swinging open on the lock. For once he was grateful for the shoddy workmanship that had been put into that house.

On Omi’s first step, he slipped in the stream of blood and almost lost his balance. His eyes caught up with him and he stared at Ken\'s mangled body in horror, the words choking off in his throat.

\"K-K-KEEEEEEN!!\"

Ken\'s face was pale, his eyes flickering and his breathing shallow. Omi wrapped himself around Ken\'s torso, burying his head into Ken\'s lukewarm chest. Yohji and Ran showed up in the doorway, looks of shock and wide-eyed horror marring each of their usually handsome faces.

\"Oh, my God... Omi... we-we\'ve gotta get him to the hospital!\" Yohji stumbled over to the bathtub, grabbing some towels along the way.

\"I...didn\'t mean to...I\'m...so scared...\" Ken\'s words came out just above a whisper. His eyes closed, letting loose the tears that had welled up inside him.

\"It\'s all right, Ken-kun... it\'ll all be okay, just hold on... all right?\" Tears ran like rivers down Omi\'s cheeks as he gently stroked the pallid boy’s cheek with his free hand. Yohji and Omi lifted Ken out of the bathtub, careful not to let his slashed up limbs dangle or move.

Ran\'s fist was shaking. His teeth gritted together and his eyes clamped shut. He pulled back his arm and punched straight at the wall, crumbling through the tiles and plaster like they were cardboard. He couldn’t even tell if it hurt... his eyes opened and slowly dragged across the red on the floor tiles. Just beyond the ruby red rivers he caught sight of a crumpled sheet of notebook paper on the floor. Ran knelt down and picked up the piece of paper, examining the messy kanji written with almost a child’s hand. It was definitely something Ken had written. He read it quickly to himself, then folded it and crammed it into his trench coat pocket.

He glanced over. His hand was bleeding. Some of the fingers looked broken... he still couldn’t tell if it hurt.

******

The voices of Ken\'s friends were so distant in his ears. It was as though he were listening to them through a wall. They sounded desperate. He wanted to tell them that it was okay, that the pain had gone away and he was going to be all right... but when he spoke, it sounded like he was off in the distance as well.

******

Ken woke up. He sat up briskly and blinked to get his eyesight back. The room was all made of bright white tile and paint. He looked around only to realize he was laying in one of a row of white beds, and that all the others beds were currently vacant.

\"Mister, you\'re awake!\" A little girl with big blonde curls bounded up to him. She was dressed up like a doll, with a frilly pink dress, little white shoes and a stuffed rabbit in her arms. Her big blue eyes almost looked painted on, as did her cherry red lips and her thin eyebrows.

\"Who are you?\"

The little girl smiled. \"My name\'s Alice, what\'s yours?\"

\"Uh...Ken...\"

\"Then is it all right if I call you Ken-niichan?\" A little giggle passed through her dainty lips. \"I like you Ken-niichan. You\'re nice.\"

\"Right...\" Ken looked around. \"Where is everybody?\"

Alice smiled brightly. \"Nobody\'s here right now. Just you and me, Ken-niichan.\" A sigh escaped from Ken\'s lips. \"You should play with me!\" Ken couldn\'t help but smile a little as the tiny girl tried to climb up on the bed next to Ken. He helped her up.

\"What do you want to play Alice?\"

Alice smiled again, lifting up her little stuffed bunny. \"I wanna play a game called, do dollies bleed?\"

Ken frowned. \"Why would you want to do that?\"

Alice giggled girlishly. \"You bleed. Maybe my dolly does too.\"

\"I don\'t think we should play that game. It\'s not right to hurt your dolly.\" Ken smiled at the little girl half-heartedly.

\"Why not, Ken-niichan? You do it. You always make dollies bleed. And now you make you bleed too. That\'s why no one loves you, Ken-niichan. You do bad things. Really bad things. Mommy says you\'re gonna go to Hell, Ken-niichan. She says you\'re a bad man.\"

A frown flooded his face. \"What?\"

\"I\'ve got it! Let\'s play a different game!\" The little girl made her bunny dance around. \"Let\'s play the Love game!\"

\"How do you play that?\"

\"Oh, this one\'s easy! In this game, we take turns destroying the things we love most! You\'re good at this game, Ken-niichan! You should go first!\"

Ken recoiled. \"No! This isn\'t right! What\'s going on here?\" Ken looked around frantically.

\"Take your turn! What do you love most in the world?\" Alice frowned. \"Fine. I\'ll start then! Hmm... what do I love more than anything in the world? Ooh! I got it! It\'s me! I love me!\" The little girl twirled once. \"Here I go!\"

\"NO! STOP!\" Ken shouted as the little girl began to dig her nails into her flesh.

******

Ken shot up, cold sweat running down the length of his body. He winced, then fell back down, gripping his bandaged arms. Focusing his eyes, he recognized the room as one in a hospital. He himself was connected to several large, beeping, machines and an IV. Two nurses came rushing in, one with a large syringe in hand. Ken sat up again, this time careful not to prop himself up with his arms.

The nurses immediately calmed down. \"False alarm, Kasi, tell the doctor that the patient is conscious.\"

The second nurse left the room with a quick nod. The first nurse turned back toward Ken, a big smile painted across her plump cheeks. \"Good morning, Hidaka-san.\"

\"Uh...good morning.\"

Pulling up a chair, the nurse picked up the clipboard at the end of the bed. \"You have very considerate friends. They stayed here with you almost all night. They were very upset.\" The nurse looked back at Ken. \"The flower arrangement they left you is very nice.\"

\"Hm?\" Ken looked over to the table next to the bed. \"I didn\'t even notice... I used to be a florist, so I guess I\'m kind of used to being surrounded by flowers.\" Ken paused for a moment. \"Who did you say left these?\"

\"After your friends brought you here, a young girl showed up with these flowers. It says who they\'re from on the tag.\" The nurse stood up and walked over to the flowers. \"From Aya, Omi, Yohji and Ran.\" The nurse turned. \"Is Aya your girlfriend?\"

Ken laughed. \"No, she\'s the little sister of one of my friends. I don\'t have a girlfriend.\"

A tall man in a white coat and slacks entered the room, shifting his glasses over a small pile of papers he held in his hand. The nurse smiled and left the room, as if on cue. After a few moments of reading and concentration the doctor looked up, sighing and tapping his pen on his cheek. \"Hidaka Kenji, arms and legs covered in numerous self inflicted, horizontal, slash marks. Patient suffered from severe blood loss. So, tell me, Kenji... what was used to make these wounds? I\'ve never seen anything like them.\"

Ken held his breath. \"A... knife... just a knife.\"

\"You were very precise with these cuts. Each one was spaced the same exact length from the next.\" He looked up at Ken. \"Do you happen to have masochistic tendencies?\"

\"No! Damn it! It was an accident! I just wanna go home!\"

\"Calm down, I\'m just trying to help you. Now, I want to know how it could have been accidental?\" The doctor looked at him so serenely that he just wanted to jump out of the bed and punch him in the face. He rolled his eyes away, hoping that not seeing the doctor was lessen his ire.

\"I don\'t know.\"

\"How can you not know?\"

\"I just don\'t.\"

\"If you don\'t tell me, I can\'t help you. You want help, right?\"

\"I DON\'T KNOW!\"

The doctor was taken aback. He shifted his glasses nervously and flipped through the papers again. \"All right. Next question. Have you ever attempted suicide before?\"

Ken blinked. \"NO! I wasn\'t trying to kill myself! I just wanted to know what it felt like!\"

\"Well, I\'ve heard enough. Thank you for your time, Hidaka-san. You can go home in less than a week, but I\'ll assign an assistant for you, just in case. She\'ll arrive at your home at six o\'clock the night you go back home. I hope your roommates don\'t mind.\" The doctor stood up.

******

He had sat there, beside the bed in his wheelchair, for two hours before the door opened. He had wanted to get up and walk around, but the ever-vigilant hospital staff was on him like a hawk the second he tried to stand up. They told him it was just precautionary, because of the pain and the chance he could pop open the sutures, but he really didn\'t care. He was restless. He hated it there. There were so many eyes; so many sour faces, and the smells were almost too sterile to handle.

The doctor with the glasses stepped in, his hands tucked neatly behind his back. \"Hidaka-san, your ride is waiting in the lobby.\"

Ken nodded, almost listlessly. \"Then I can walk now?\"

\"Certainly not,\" The doctor laughed lightly. One of the nurses made his way over. \"Shima-san will take you downstairs.\"

With little protest from the brunette, the nurse wheeled him out.

\"Hey, Kenken! Over here!\" Yohji waved, rushing over and stopping the wheelchair in the middle of the hall. \"How\'s it feel to be a free man again?\"

Yohji and the male nurse swapped control of Ken\'s wheelchair. \"I can\'t wait to get up on my own feet again.\"

\"Hah. I should\'ve figured you\'d say something like that. They told me not to let you get out of this thing except to go to the bathroom for twenty four hours.\" Yohji looked from side to side, then put a hand to Ken\'s ear. \"But I know your constitution better than these quacks do, as soon as we get back home I\'ll let you get up... but no soccer or weight training for a couple days, all right?\"

Yohji let out a laugh and wheeled Ken out to the parking lot. Ken tried to smile to sate Yohji, but at the same time, he couldn\'t help but wonder what was really going through the taller boy\'s head. It was kind of bothering him that Yohji was trying so hard to put up such a calm and cool façade. Even an idiot could\'ve told that the smile on Yohji\'s face was a fake.

Ken didn\'t say anything.

If not for the radio, the drive home would have been very quiet.

The key ring in Yohji\'s hand jingled loudly as he fumbled for the house key. \"Aha!\" Yohji twisted the knob and suddenly the two were hit by a blast of warm air. Yohji took a deep breath. \"Home, sweet home, huh Ken?\"

Ken nodded, looking over the familiar setting as though for the first time. The scratch marks on the walls were gone. He could still smell the fresh paint and the lingering odor of bleach. He glanced over at Yohji, who seemed to be making a conscious effort not to return his gaze... or look at him at all.

Yohji, as if snapping out of a daze, suddenly turned his attention to Ken, a big prosthetic smile plastered across his fair face. \"Ran should be back any minute now.\" Ken flashed him a confused glance. \"Oh, yeah... I have a meeting with one of Omi\'s teachers.\"

Almost immediately, there was a familiar shuffling at the door. The lock clicked and the door opened with a faint squeak. \"What timing.\" Ken walked into the den and sat on the couch, his legs still aching more from walking than he was willing to admit. It felt good to stretch out.

\"Is he here?\"

\"Yeah, in the den. See you guys when I get back, \'kay?\"

Ran waited until he heard Yohji\'s engine revving to make his way into the den, still fiddling with the folded and crumpled piece of paper in his pocket. Ken hadn\'t bothered turning on the TV or anything. For a moment Ran wished he were a little better at reading people. His eyes shifted over to his trench pocket as he pulled out the note he had found on the bathroom floor. \"Hey, Ken..\" Ken looked up at Ran, his face still a little pale. \"Here.\"

He looked down at Ran\'s bandaged hand, a piece of slightly crumpled paper gently enclosed between his thin fingers. Ken looked up at the redhead with wide eyes when he finally realized what he held in his hand. \"How did you... get that?\"

\"You really shouldn\'t leave things like that laying around. You\'re lucky I found it rather than Yohji.\"

Ken snatched the note from Ran\'s fingers. He flipped it open and... well he barely remembered writing it. The note remained only half written, with no names and without that simple phrase that not only would have exposed him completely, but that he never could have said, not even with his dying breath. Even the thought of it made his heart race. He was glad he couldn\'t get himself to write it out. \'I love you\'... he felt himself choke on the thought a little. \'I love you\'... when was the last time he had said that to anybody? He couldn\'t even remember if he had said that to Yuriko.

Ran narrowed his eyes a little. Ken’s face looked distant and overwhelmed with melancholy. He could never understand someone as emotional as Ken; someone who was so completely different from himself. \"Why\'d you do it?\"

\"Uh...\" Ken suddenly felt his whole body lock up. \"I... just... I, uh...\"

\"Why did you do it?\"

\"I don\'t know... I didn\'t mean to.\"

\"Bullshit. You know why, you\'re just afraid of the answer.\" Ran walked off, going about his business like nothing had happened. He knew Ran was right, he felt it peeking up from his heart as soon as the words had left Ran\'s lips.

Ken curled his knees to his chest, wishing for a moment that he never woke up.

******

The doorbell rang, shaking Ken and Ran from their respective daydreaming. Ran stood up, sighing heavily. The doorbell rang again. Then again. He twisted the doorknob and cracked open the door, trying not to let the cold air in. \"What do you want?\"

\"Wow, what a handsome guy!\" The brunette in the door bounced onto the tips of her toes. \"I\'m here for Kenji, I was appointed by the hospital.\"

Ran looked the girl over. She was short, slim and dressed in all baby blue. Behind her sat two large suitcases. Ran narrowed his eyes. \"We don\'t have an extra room for you.\"

\"That\'s fine. I\'m supposed to stay as close to the patient as possible. I\'m sure I can share his room.\"

Ran glared. \"Fine.\"

Although he detested the thought of an outsider in their home, he helped the girl carry her things inside and out of the snow.

\"So you two live here?\" The girl looked around at the expansive ski lodge style home that, although it was only a single story, must have cost a fortune. \"It\'s awfully big. How long have you guys been living here?\"

\"A few months.\"

\"This place is really nice. Did you guys live together before you moved in here?\" She smiled, expectantly.

\"Behind a flower shop.\"

\"Neat-o!\"

\"Neat-o?\" Ran almost made the mistake of looking over at the obnoxious girl.

\"How long have you two been together?\"

\"What\'s that supposed to mean?\" Ran stopped in his tracks and looked at her sharply.

She giggled. \"Well, aren\'t you two, you know...\"

\"No.\" Ran diverted his gaze.

\"Whoops, my bad.\" An even bigger smile crossed her face. \"I guess that makes sense. Anyone who had someone as cute as you wouldn\'t try to hurt themselves.\"

Ran sneered and emitted a raspy growling sound from the back of his throat. He started to steer her towards the den.

\"So, what do you do for a living?\"

Ran gave her a gentle shove into the living room. \"You ask too many questions.\"

The girl looked over the large room and was once again in awe of the size of it all. In the center of the rounded room was a green u-shaped couch with a brunette man sitting off to the right. She smiled and walked over. \"Hey, you Hidaka Kenji?\"

He looked up at her half-heartedly. \"Ken.\"

\"You\'re really cute too!\" She blushed. Ken looked off into space. The girl knit her brow. \"I get a way better response from most of the other guys...\"

\"You know, I was just thinking, \'how much do they pay her to say things like that\'. I guess I was right.\"

She shook it off almost immediately. The girl smiled and held out her hand. \"Pleased to meet you, Ken, I\'m Atah Keiko, from the hospital. They sent me to look after you for a while.\"

A door opened in the distance, followed by Yohji\'s always a little too loud groaning. \"How the hell did I get suckered into being your legal guardian? I\'m sick of all the girls I meet thinking I\'m like your dad or something!\"

\"It\'s not my fault I\'m still a minor, sheesh!\"

Keiko sat down next to Ken. He didn\'t flinch. \"Wow, how many roommates do you have?\"

\"I don\'t need a baby-sitter.\" Ken was still looking down at his hands, which sat folded together on his knees.

\"Ken-kun!\" Omi came flying through the kitchen, stopping abruptly at the threshold to the den. His eyes locked on the brunette woman on the couch. She was very comely and dressed very cutely in her matching baby blue tank top and mini skirt. Her hair was long and came down to her waist where a bow was tied in a few inches from the bottom. In the front a couple of locks lay dangling over her large gray eyes. \"Uh...\"

\"Hi-ya! Who might you be?\" Keiko grinned childishly at Omi. \"You\'re adorable!\"

Yohji stepped up behind Omi and put his hand on his shoulder. \"Omi I, uh—“ Noticing the girl seated next to Ken, Yohji tipped his sunglasses and flashed her his best smile. \"Hell-o there. The name\'s Kudoh Yohji, what can I do you for?\"

Keiko giggled.

******

\"I can tell a lot about people by just looking.\"

Omi looked over at the girl in disbelief. “Oh? For example?”

Keiko turned toward Yohji. \"Your room is the second one from the right. I can tell because it\'s clean and the sheets are stylish. I also know that you care considerably about how other people see you because of the way you stand.\"

She smiled over at Omi. \"Your room is the third one, with the model airplanes. You\'re the type of person that pays close attention to detail. I can tell by the glimmer in your eyes that you\'re really smart and kind, and you\'re really wise beyond your years, too.\"

Omi rubbed the back of his neck. \"You do have this stuff down to a science, don\'t you?\"

Keiko blushed. \"Yeah, I guess.\" She nodded over to Ran. \"His room is the fourth one. I could tell right away because when I talked to him earlier he was really cold and quiet. Something terrible must have happened to him in his past. Maybe a death in his immediate family or something like that. He\'s the type of guy that hides a lot of stuff.

\"And Ken, your room is the first one. You\'re messy and have a hard time keeping yourself occupied. You\'re athletic, too. I can tell because you have really strong legs. What sport do you play?\"

Ken made an effort not to look over at her. \"Soccer. I used to be a goalie in the J-League.\"

\"My best friend had a brother in the J-League. Did you know Yukoo Sasuke?\" Ken grunted. \"I still don\'t know why someone like you would try to do something like you did.\"

\"Yeah, well not all athletes are as simple as they say. Some of us are complicated.\" Ken stood up and headed toward the kitchen.

\"Ooh, yay! Looks like soon we could have a breakthrough, huh?\" Keiko stood up and clapped her hands together.

\"I have a question for you.\" Everyone looked over in surprise when Ran spoke up. \"If you\'re so good at reading people, why did you say what you did before?\"

Keiko thought back a bit. \"Oh, yeah, that. Well, we all make mistakes, sometimes, right? I made an assumption because I thought it was just the two of you living here at first. And when you said you\'d lived together before...\"

Ran grunted and leaned back against the doorway. Yohji gave Keiko a quick grin. \"We all used to live together. We worked together at the flower shop, so we all lived behind it. It was just convenient, really. We became really good friends while living there, so when we moved out we just found it easier to move in together. It kinda feels like a... well, I don’t know... almost a family.\"

\"But you all have such clashing personalities...\" Keiko put her hand up to her chin.

\"Different, sure. I don\'t know about clashing, though. It\'s pretty unusual for any of us to argue, and even then it\'s almost always something petty.\" Omi grinned widely.

A drawer slammed in the kitchen. Ken leaned over the peninsula counter. \"Hey, where\'d the forks and knives go?\"

\"Oh, that! I hid them,\" Keiko waved.

\"What?\"

\"I\'m not allowed to let you near that kind of stuff. The doctor said you\'re still a danger to yourself so I locked up all the forks, knives, razors and anything else you could hurt yourself with.\"

Ken sneered. \"Did you take the sheets off my bed too? So I couldn\'t hang myself?\"

The sarcasm in his voice drew the first frown any of them had seen Keiko wear. \"That\'s just going overboard.\"

\"Oh? And this isn\'t!?\" Ken stomped off. They heard him slam the door to his bedroom. The other three boys grew silent. Keiko followed after him.

\"Poor Ken-kun, I bet he\'s just miserable.\" Omi sighed, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets. \"I don\'t see how this is gonna make him get better.\"

Ran stood up straight. \"He needs someone to watch over him when we go on missions for a while.\"

\"But this is just treating him like a baby!\"

\"You\'re too sympathetic, Omi. This is all we can do.\" Ran turned to walk out of the room.

\"This is too much, Ran, she\'s even gonna sleep in his room. I don\'t like it one bit.\"