Forgetting You

Okay, so the first part of this chapter was inspired by Evanescence’s “The Fallen”... a lot of those songs remind me of Yohji/Asuka’s relationship since her death, and the second part was kinda inspired by the really super crappy music at work... explaining the huge difference in mood.

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Blood sings her solemn song, and through our tears we see a eulogy.

That night I dreamed of Asuka. It was a beautiful dream, sunshine, our little coffee shop, the two of us laughing and walking down the street hand in hand. But it was an empty dream. Dreams like that used to be all the comfort I had, but not now. I don’t know... maybe I’m finally accepting the fact that she’s gone and never coming back. But it’s hard, you know? After all, she came back from the dead, once.

But she’s not coming back, not this time.

Ken was snoring loudly in the bunk below when I sat up, staring down at my bedsheets as though I could get lost in them. My mind went blank for a few moments... and my eyes snapped shut. There was nowhere I could find peace, anymore. Not so long as my mind came with me.

I dropped down from my bed, wearily. I couldn’t be there anymore, that place where everything reminded me of her, where every reflection in the window was her face and every creak of the floor was her voice. She was all around me now, and there was nothing else. I walked as fast as I could to the front door and slipped on my shoes. I slammed the door shut behind me... and the air around me finally went silent.

I started walking. I didn’t consciously know where I wanted to go, but I let my feet carry me where they would. I walked for nearly an hour before stopping... and when I did... I saw that bend in the sidewalk, that one Omi took when he showed me his hideout. Next thing I knew my feet were moving again, and I was making my way toward that quiet little corner of the universe where no one and nothing could reach you. I don’t know how I found my way at first. When I looked up, there weren’t any stars in the sky and the moon had hidden behind a black curtain... but I kept moving. Then I saw it. A little guiding light, only about an inch around. I hurried toward it, suddenly all too aware of the foreboding darkness that tried to engulf me as I passed. Closer and closer I moved until... without a moments notice, I came to that little alcove, looking so very humble as the bushes pushed against it and the roots above created a simple canopy.

But as I walked in, I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see. Sitting, with a strangely serious look on his face was Omi, gazing into a photograph that, from my angle, was glared from the candlelight.

“I thought I told you to forget.” The young boy said, tucking the photograph into his pocket.

“I thought I did.” I put a hand on my hip, wanting more than anything to just turn around and leave. I wanted to be alone. No Asuka, no Omi... alone. “Your candle made me remember.”

“Fine. I’ll put it out.”

I frowned. “No, don’t bother. I was just leaving.”

~~~~

I visited Asuka’s grave three more times that week. I could think of nothing else. I went to work angry every morning, for no particular reason, and she was the only thing that could calm me. She was my salvation from life. I found myself sleeping too long, immersed in those empty dreams where she still lived and breathed... I didn’t mean to be late so many times in a row.

In fact, only a few days passed before I lost my job.

I hadn\'t even tried to bring home any women to fill Asuka’s void. When I looked into their eyes, it wasn’t Asuka I saw in their faces as I always had before... all I saw was emptiness. I was far too aware that those women had never actually filled the hole inside me... now Asuka was dead... and only death was reflected there... maybe I wanted to die myself, I don’t really know for sure.

I may be foolish, but even then I wasn’t foolish enough to take my own life... even though it’s the only way Asuka and I can ever be together again.

Slowly, day by day time stood still and yet passed right by me. Before I could tell the difference, the weekend came. It was as if I were somewhere else completely. Reality became a blur to me, colors collided and melded, lines became streaks and sounds blared for an eternity each second.

...and for a while, no one bothered to wake me from my stupor.

~~~~

I stepped into the kitchen and, by habit, poured myself a cup of black coffee I knew I wouldn’t drink. Staring down into it I saw only my reflection. A reflection that should have disappeared a long time ago. But... for some reason I was still there, like someone pulled me back from the abyss every time I went too far.

“Yohji-kun... are you all right?” I recognized the voice as that of my young mistake. “I made you breakfast.”

“I don’t want it.” My eyes didn’t waver from the blackened refection in my coffee.

“You haven’t eaten in two days. I’m starting to worry about you.”

“I’ve just been thinking. Don’t worry about me.”

There was a hesitation. “Thinking about Asuka, right? Maybe you should go see her, again.”

“Maybe.”

“Do you think that maybe... I could go with you? I’d like to see her again, I haven’t seen her since she was buried.” There was a sense of nervousness in Omi’s voice, like visiting Asuka’s grave was somehow my sole sacred right and that he would be impeding on it.

“You can come if you want.”

“I have some questions to ask her. Do you think she’ll mind?”

“She doesn’t answer questions anymore. She’s dead. I don’t even know if she listens. But you can ask if you want.”

“Then we should go.” Omi sat down beside me, so close I could feel the warmth radiating off his skin. “After you eat your breakfast.”

~~~~

The radio in my car stopped working a little while ago, so the drive to the graveyard was very quiet.

We stepped out of the car to greet overcast skies. I sighed. Looked like rain, again. It had been raining a lot lately. Carefully I led Omi down the stone paths to Asuka’s grave. Someone had already cleaned up the flowers and incense I had left the day before. A thoughtful gift to the dead... nothing but trash to passersby and groundskeepers. I didn’t feel too bad I didn’t have anything to give her, today.

Omi kneeled down at the headstone, respectfully and was quiet only for a moment longer. I was almost surprised by his sudden decision to speak. “You know,” he began, “I used to visit Ouka’s grave a lot, too. I understand how you feel, Yohji.”

“I never said you didn’t.”

“Eventually, though, I just figured it was better to move on. The people who are most important are the people who are still alive. The people who depend on our smiling faces and our undying love. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good that you actually keep visiting Asuka...”

I grit my teeth. Boy this sounded familiar. “Then what are you trying to say?”

“I’m just saying... it’s great that you keep remembering Asuka like this, but... don’t you think it would be a good idea to remember the people who are still with you, too? It seems like lately you’ve forgotten about us... maybe even forgotten that you’re still alive yourself.”

“I haven’t forgotten about you, any of you.”

He sighed. “Then let us know, Yohji-kun. Let us know you still see us and still know what’s going on in our lives.”

“I’m sorry, Omi-chan. I didn’t mean to make you guys feel like I was separating myself.” But... I was separating myself. How long could I keep lying through my teeth like that? How long could I keep lying to myself?

“Please don’t call me that, anymore. I’m eighteen, now. I think that maybe I’ve outgrown that title a little.” He almost laughed. “You want to hear something funny?”

I glanced over at him. “All right.”

“Yesterday morning when I woke up an hour early, I saw Ken lick a little piece of cream cheese off of Ran’s cheek.”

My head snapped over, completely overtaken by the awkward imagery that popped up in my head. “Seriously?”

Omi nodded. “Yeah, just like that. Ran didn’t even flinch.”

“That’s crazy, are they doing it or something?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know about that.”

I laughed out loud. “That’s crazy. I didn’t expect that for a second.”

Omi sighed and flashed me a wide smile. “I’m glad to see you laughing. You needed to.”

I frowned. “Were you bluffing, then?”

“No, why would I make something like that up? It was just a total mind fuck, though.”

“Omi, you—“ I stopped myself. “Don’t curse like that at home, okay? Ran will blow a fuse.”

“How ‘bout we go get some ice cream or something? I don’t really feel like going home right now.” He stood up and bowed a final time.

“I thought you had questions to ask Asuka...”

He smiled at me, warmly. “It’s okay, she already gave me an answer.”

~~~~

We didn’t return home for four hours. We didn’t say much to one another, either. There was a little small talk every now and then, but nothing serious. It was as though Omi knew that the last thing either of us needed was recognition of our problems.

But eventually it started to turn dark and we knew we had to head home. Ken probably wouldn’t even realize we’d been gone for more than half an hour, but Ran would be pretty pissed. Sometimes I wonder if Ran takes the rest of us for children, or something.

When we entered the house we were only greeted by silence. Omi walked off toward the kitchen, but I simply stood there for a few more moments, expecting Ken to bound out at any minute and tell me he burned dinner or just woke up from a nap. More silence followed. Giving up, I followed Omi’s trail to the kitchen.

“Hey, Yohji-kun... they’re not here.”

I put a hand on my hip. “I figured. I can’t hear Ken, so we must be alone.”

“Not only that, they left a note on the fridge.” He pointed over.

“What’s it say?”

“All it said was, ‘gone out, don’t wait up.’”

I chuckled. “Ran must’ve written that one.” Walking over to the stove, I leaned in. “I guess dinner is up to us, tonight.”

“I can make something up quick. Why don’t you sit down on the couch and watch TV or something?” Omi flashed me his signature closed eyes smile and turned toward the stove.

Of course, I obliged. “All right, if you insist, but you spoil me.”

“And why not?”

“That’s true. A delicate flower like me needs all the pampering he can get.” I laughed. “Hey, is there any soda in the fridge?”

Omi hesitated. “No, it was in Ken’s room... I think, maybe Ran’s I don’t quite remember.”

“Where do you think they went?”

“I don’t know. Ran going anywhere is kinda weird. I bet Ken dragged him to the store or something like that.” Omi simply grunted in reply, telling me I was right without saying anything.

For about ten minutes I flipped channels mindlessly before Omi finished making our dinner, which ended up being macaroni and cheese. Sounds like it’d be easy, but somehow I always manage to screw it up when I cook it, and Omi can make it better than anyone I’ve ever met. He probably makes it better than anyone is supposed to be able to make it. I don’t know how. The kid can just cook, I guess.

“Anything on?” He handed me a bowl of food, eyeing the channel I had stopped on curiously.

“Only if you like soap operas.” I started channel surfing again.

“You know, if there’s nothing on you can stop flipping channels like that and we could put in a movie.” Omi set his own bowl of food down on the coffee table. “I’ll be right back.”

After only a few moments Omi returned, VHS in hand. He stepped over to the TV, pushed in the tape and sat down on the couch. The opening credits started to roll. I began to laugh a little when I saw the title. Junk.

“Omi, really, a zombie flick when you’re eating? Don’t you have any taste?”

Omi glanced over at me, smiling. “What? I haven’t seen this movie in a while.”

“But really,”

He smiled wider. “Hey, come on, don’t tell me you loose your appetite that easily, Yotan. Besides, the girl in this movie’s pretty cute for a zombie.”

I shook my head and fell back into the couch. I guess Omi can’t be serious all the time. He is still a teenager, after all.

~~~~

When I was awoken about an hour later it was to Ken jabbing me in the side with one bony finger. My eyes blinked open, slowly focusing on the movie on the screen still in progress. I’d crashed fast. I don’t usually do that during movies. I turned my head lethargically toward my aggressor and grimaced.

“Hey, princess.” Ken smiled, a sarcastic look etched on his face.

“Ken... what’re you doing here?”

What a stupid question. “I live here. What’re you doing putting in movies if you’re both just gonna crash in the middle?”

“Where did you guys go, anyway?”

He shrugged. “You guys weren\'t here when dinner time rolled around so we took the liberty of going out for some fast food. It’s better than me trying to cook.” He turned his head ever so slightly. “Oh, and Omi went to bed like a minute or two ago.”

“Bed sounds like a good idea.”

“And I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you joined him.”

“Ken, quit it. I don’t want to have to go there.”’

“Go where?”

“Cream cheese.”

“What’s that supposed to be? Some stupid code?” Ken crossed his arms, still feeling as though he had the upper hand.

I let myself smile, slyly. “Don’t play coy, Kenken, Omi saw you two in the kitchen.”

“It’s an inside joke me and Ran have.” He shrugged. “It’s not what you think.”

I wanted to laugh out loud. “An inside joke? With Ran? Ran doesn’t joke with me or Omi.”

“Yeah? Maybe he considers me more a friend than you guys.”

“A boyfriend, maybe.” Burn diverted. I’m good. Damn good.

“Just go to bed you ass.” He turned and started to walk away. “And don’t forget to turn off the TV or Ran will pitch a fit.”

“That’d be funny.”

He stopped momentarily to flash me a wicked glare. “Maybe to you, but I’m gonna be far, far away if it ever happens.” With that he left, leaving me in the dark room with only the flickering television as company. I stood up, stretched my arms and legs, and then turned off the TV by remote. Yeah, so I was lazy.

I started for my bedroom, sleep still teasing the back of my eyelids. I knew that as soon as I hit the sheets I’d be out like a light. I don’t usually get that tired, that’s the thing. Not even Asuka could keep me awake, tonight.

I walked down the hall, walking slowly as to not set off the creaks in the floor and wake any of my companions that may already have been asleep. When I reached Omi’s room, however, I realized he had left his door cracked open just a little. It looked like an accident, as if the door had been shut but bounced back open just a little. I hate it when doors do that. Instinctively I glanced through the crack and saw Omi asleep in his bed. He looked peaceful, his eyes barely closed and his lips curled in an almost smile. His fingers curled around the edge of his pillow and his sheets curled under his wrist gently. I smiled to myself. Nobody looks that peaceful. Nobody.