I Live For You

Chapter Three – Just An Act

Shuichi (POV)

Walking into Yuki’s apartment brought back so many memories and emotions. I know Yuki’s looking at me, probably trying to read my expression, but there isn’t one. I’ve had three years to practice. I’ve schooled my features to never reveal how I feel.

I can’t believe it, but its changed. There’s actually a few knick-knacks placed around the front room, and there’s a picture of us both on one wall. I don’t bother looking at it, I don’t want him to see that it bothers me. And it does.

He opens a door, and motions me inside. I guess this is where I’m sleeping.

“Gee, aren’t I lucky… I thought I would have to sleep on the couch again.” I laugh at his expression.

He shuts the door, leaving me alone. I close my eyes. This is going to be hard. Why is he affecting me like this? I know I said I never wanted him back. But then again, I’ve never been a good liar.

After dumping my stuff, I take off my shirt and grab my small tin. Taking off the lid, I take out the razor blade, and start cutting my arms, adding another five to each arm. The stinging and the sight of the blood calm me down.

I clear my mind of everything and just watch as the blood trickles down my arm. The cuts aren’t deep, but they’ll bleed for a few minutes. I don’t have time to hide my arms as the door opens and Yuki comes into the room.

He just stands there looking at me, then at my arms.

“What the fuck have you done to yourself?” He asks.

“It’s none of your business.” I answer, getting up and going into the bathroom.

He follows me as I wash off the blood and cover myself with band-aids. I ignore him as I go back into my room and put my shirt back on.

“Shuichi, why are you doing this to yourself?”

“Please just leave me alone…I don’t want to talk about it.”

”Fine. I’ve made lunch.”

I sigh and follow him into the kitchen. I sit down opposite him and start eating. I can feel his eyes on me, but I ignore him. I wish he hadn’t seen me. It just makes me look weak.

“Will you stop looking at me!” I say, finally meeting his eyes and glaring at him.

“I’m sorry, but I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be. My life was fucked up long before you came into the picture…I just didn’t see it until I left you.”

After lunch, we sit on the couch in the front room, drinking beer. I light a cigarette to keep myself distracted. Fucking hell, why is it so hard to be in the same room as him? Oh Kami-sama, I want him back. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to feel him inside of me.

I can’t stay here with him. It’s going to be too hard. I just close my eyes and think of what he’s see if I took my clothes off. That’s better. I never want him to see my scarred mutilated body.

“Shu…”

He sighs as the phone rings.

I block out his voice as he talks. With my eyes closed, Maiko’s face flashes through my mind. I feel tears once again filling my eyes. Even though we kept in touch, I hope she doesn’t think I abandoned her.

My tears make their way down my cheeks. I barely register Yuki finishing his phone call. I open my eyes to see him watching me. I wipe my eyes, and light another cigarette.

“That was Tohma. He wants us to go to NG. Everyone’s there… they want to see you.”

I sigh, and get up. I guess now’s a good time. I need to get it over with. I collect my jacket from my room and follow him out to his car.

--

Walking into NG, I keep my face expressionless, but the emotions and memories are bombarding my brain with a vengeance. Yuki and I stay silent as we ride in the lift together.

I can’t help but notice the glances he sends my way every few minutes. I wonder if he wants me back as much as I want him. When the lift stops, we step out and at once I’m greeted with a shriek and I find myself lying on my back with Ryuichi straddling my waist.

“Welcome back Shu-chan, I missed you so much! So did Kuma-chan, na no da!” He says, shoving his pink bunny in my face.

I let out a genuine laugh. I could never be cold to Ryuichi. He’s too nice to be nasty too.

“I missed you both too.” I say as he helps me to my feet.

He looks at me and laughs.

“You look cool Shuichi! Hey, poke your tongue out...”

I poke my tongue out, letting both Ryuichi and Yuki see my tongue piercing.

“Did it hurt?” Yuki asks.

“Not really. This one hurt this a bitch though.” I say patting my nipple.

I walk away smirking because I made Yuki blush. Ryuichi catches up with me and we make our way to Bad Luck’s studio.