Starvation

3. “Oh, Hell no, you’re not rooming with Hakkai tonight, you idiot monk. I’m keeping an eye on you so you don’t start beating on him again,” the kappa snarled.

The looks toward Hakkai had been wary and haunted when the four of them had reconvened. Three pairs of eyes watched him, scared of him, scared for him. Most of what he witnessed on his companion’s faces was confusion, though.

*Not that I blame you. I’d be scared and confused, too. I am scared and confused, too.*

“Whatever,” Sanzo shrugged.

“I’ll stay with you, Hakkai,” Goku shot an angry glare at them both.

“I’d be happy to room with you, Goku,” the demon’s tone was pleasant, but the veil of normalcy sounded thin to his own ears. If there had been any choice, he would have liked to have had his own room tonight, but getting two rooms was the best they could do. What was worse was that Goku was angry at Sanzo over him. He had never thought Goku would be this angry at his shining sun for anything. His only chance to smooth this over would be to assure Goku that he wasn’t hurt, perhaps that he’d even deserved the beating.

*I deserve worse for harboring these thoughts,* he told himself. *I deserve worse for even listening to my predatory side.*

#You deserve death, Cho Gonou. You deserve torture, which your friends will gladly deal to you when they find out what you desire of them.#

“Your funeral, dude. He snores louder than Hakuryu’s engine runs,” Gojyo laid a hand lightly on Hakkai’s shoulder.

The healer understood the gesture, but couldn’t tolerate it for long without feeling a small but intense rush of bloodthirst. He ran his tongue over his suddenly dry lips. Luckily for him, the contact was soon broken. Hakuryu let out an indignant chirp and spit a puff of flame at the half-breed. Goku broke in and yelled, “You stupid asshole water sprite! I do *not* snore!”

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t snore just like a camp full of lumberjacks doesn’t snore, you stupid monkey!”

“Shut up and get to bed!” the fan ricocheted off Gojyo’s head to smack down onto Goku’s. “We’re leaving early.”

“Oh, everybody jump to, the great Sanzo-sama has spoken,” Gojyo sneered, and barely avoided a backward swing from the grumbling monk’s fan as he followed him to their room.

“Goodnight, Sanzo, Gojyo,” Hakkai managed, then mutely allowed Goku to drag him by the wrist to their own room. It was across the hall and a few doors down from Sanzo and Gojyo, quiet to any bickering they may have been doing. Goku took the bathroom first, and was changed in an instant, padding out on quiet bare feet and yawning. When Hakkai had finished his own bedtime rituals, he emerged to find Goku sitting cross-legged on his bed, shining eyes looking up at him.

“Hey, Hakkai, what’s the matter?”

Hakkai thought it best to counter with a question so he wouldn’t need to answer. “Are you okay, Goku? I know you’ve been having a hard time since Homura. Do you want to talk about it?” This was good, it was stabilizing; it was one of the things Hakkai was best at. He still wondered how much counsel he could provide, but this was enough to occupy his mind and emotions.

“Yeah,” Goku hunched a little, “but Sanzo already talked to me about it. Gojyo’s been really good when I’ve had nightmares. Don’t tell Gojyo I know; if he did know, I couldn’t pick on him because he’d know I knew he cared.”

Hakkai gave him a genuine chuckle. “Word of honor.”

“You were good saying what you did when he died, that he got everything he wanted. I know it’s going to take me a while to feel better about it. It’s just . . . the way he died. He had to die so far from where he was born because Heaven wouldn’t have him. He didn’t have any family or real friends who would keep him. It’s unfair!”

Hakkai let out a breath, and slid behind Goku. He hugged the boy gently around the waist. “His whole life was unfair, Goku. He said himself that he was a heretic, born into a society that shunned him for simply existing. But you were fair to him. You saw him exactly as he wished you to. He was able to die on his own terms, and he saw your respect for him before the end came, I’m sure of that. You were able to grant him the only wish he had since he came to this plane of existence, and he was grateful for it. You met him as an equal, saw him as an opponent, and a fair one, not as an abomination.”

“Just like you guys don’t see me as a heretic. I’m lucky to have you guys, even if Sanzo smacks me around and yells at me, and Gojyo’s a pervert who picks on me, and you never tell anyone what’s really wrong. Still, it’s gonna be hard to be the cause of the death of someone like that, even if he did want to die.”

Hakkai hugged him closer, feeling the thrum of the young man’s heart, breathing in the scent of turned earth and ginger that clung to his hair. “That’s very mature of you to realize that, Goku.” He breathed in deeply again.

“I’ve cried a lot about it, and I’ll probably cry more. I don’t really feel like I’m to blame, but I still feel responsible. Give me some time,” Goku murmured, but he didn’t sound close to more tears.

“I’m glad you realize that the only thing you ended was that unfairness, that imbalance in Homura’s existence. I know you’ll need time, but I’m not sure how much can be given to you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Hakkai’s grip on Goku grew tighter. So warm, so full of life. *As if I could really talk about imbalance . . .*

#You wish to raise the levels of your *chi*, Gonou? Then take the blood from this spirit of the Earth itself. The Earth, after all is the element that nourishes, that transforms one’s food into energy, or have you forgotten your studies? Why not take that energy directly?#

“Dammit, no!” Hakkai hung his head. He pressed the heel of his hand into his face and squeezed his fingertips in his hair.

“’No,’ what, Hakkai?” the monkey’s hand tugged lightly on the hem of the youkai’s loose shirt. ”You still haven’t told me what’s wrong.” Despising what he thought of as secrecy, he launched into a barrage of possible explanations.

“Do you have a headache? Are you sick? If you are, let me take care of you okay? You always take care of all of us when we’re sick.”

Hakkai’s eyes watered, and he was afraid he might weep at Goku’s kindness, his trust. “I’m not sick, Goku, I’m hungry.”

“Great! Now you’re talking! Let’s go downstairs and see if the innkeepers have some goodies in their pantry!”

Hakkai frowned. “It isn’t food I’m hungry, or maybe it’s ‘thirsty’ for. It’s blood.”

“Blood? Gross. Why blood?”

“The blood of demons is something I’ve been drawn to, ever since it made me what I am.”

“Oh, that makes sense. A sick kind of sense, but it makes sense. It took the blood of a thousand demons to make you, and now you want more. I wonder if every demon like you is like that?”

“I’m not sure, but since I took off my limiters, it’s worse. I feel so weak, so empty.”

“You were trying to fill that emptiness tonight. But you lost control,” Goku nodded. “I know what that feels like. Actually, I can never remember.”

“Sanzo suspects, I think. He knocked me out of it. Don’t be angry with him. I’m actually very grateful.”

“Well, I am too, now that I finally know what was wrong,” Goku slid out of Hakkai’s arms and faced him. He looked down at the bed. “So, is it . . . my blood you want?”

“Not just yours. You know the negative energy that drives youkai to attack and feed on humans? I feel it, too. Ever since Chin Yisou, it’s been chipping away at me inside. It was easy to play at being human when no one mentioned my being a demon. I could even laugh it off. It was even easy to pretend when Kougaiji or Yaone accused me of being a traitor. I still felt human. I lied to myself and tried to forget. But Chin Yisou made me face my past again, and even after I killed him, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. He reminded me of what I was, of who I’d been, and of the worst part of me, the part I
wanted to ignore. From that moment, I felt the dark energy heavy in the air. I didn’t want to give in to it, and sometimes it’s still hard to feel, but it’s there.”

“It just makes me feel even more like fighting. I don’t feel like hurting humans, just any dumbass demons who attack us. I never thought you might feel something different,” Goku turned and lay across the bed, arms folded behind his head, as if he was cloudgazing the cracked ceiling.

“I haven’t wanted to hurt humans, but I smelled their blood and thought about it fairly often, whether I wanted it or not. I felt it fully when I removed my limiters. With the bloodlust inside me and that aura pushing in on me, I’m surprised I could even pick my limiters up to put them on again. I still feel it, almost like it’s trapped inside, waiting to get out.”

“You want human blood and demon blood. So, you want Sanzo and Gojyo, too. That’s it,” the monkey king’s words came out lightly, too much so for the subject.

“It could be any human or demon, really, but it’s you three who are in the most danger. You’re around me all the time. It’s so close to me, so close, but I don’t want to hurt you. I won’t. I’ll stop it somehow, but I’ve never wanted it this badly,” Hakkai said.

Goku nodded. “It’s because Shien and Zenon beat you all to hell. Don’t think I didn’t see who was the most beat up after the battle. You’re hungry because you’re still not better yet, Hakkai. Sanzo may pretend not to notice, and Gojyo doesn’t want to think you’re still hurt, but I see it. You were ready to collapse when Gojyo dragged you out of there. You’re still ready to collapse.”

Hakkai didn’t refute that, and Goku continued. “You drove us out of there when you were the closest to dying I’ve ever seen you. Then, you Goddamn stupidhead, you start healing up every little scratch we have! I was half-expecting Sanzo to start bitching at you for that! If there was one time he should have beaten you silly with the Fan of Death, that was it! You’re more stubborn than Sanzo is, sometimes. You just made yourself worse.”

“If I focus, I can recover.”

“Huh,” Goku exhaled sharply “Trying to ignore a craving just makes it worse. If you have a little snack now and then, you’re not as hungry anymore. You might even need the blood before you can get well again. Well, I sure wouldn’t want to risk it if that was true.”

Goku swung up off the mattress and bounced on the balls of his bare feet. “I’ll see if I can find a knife. If it’s what you need, it’s what you’ll have. Have mine.”

The simplicity, the finality with which the youth said that horrified Hakkai. “No, Goku, I can’t. I can’t steal your blood to feed myself. I won’t hurt you for such a selfish reason. Besides,” he crawled off the bed and onto its twin on the other side of the room, “if I start, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”

“What’ll you do if you don’t take it?”

“I don’t know what’ll happen. I just hope, in time, my demon side will calm down again.”

The golden-eyed boy looked at him solemnly. “I don’t think it works like that, Hakkai. Every time my limiter comes off, I get more and more powerful. My senses get sharper. I’ve never told anyone this, Hakkai, but I get hungrier, too. Sanzo thinks it’s from all that time I spent imprisoned, and part of it might be that, too, but the more energy from my
other form I can feel when I’m bound, the hungrier I get. I’m just glad for me, it’s only regular food.”

“I managed to suppress the demon in me for three years. I can push it back down again.”

“It’ll be harder, though. It always gets harder. It’s easier to use the demon. If you can tame it by drinking a little blood now and then, who cares? If you kill one of Kougaiji’s stupid assassins by draining him dry, who cares? Most of the idiots are asking for it, anyway. They’ll be dead with or without your help if they attack us. I know, if any of us gave you our blood freely, you wouldn’t kill us. You can stop. You know more about self-control than anyone I’ve ever known. You and I both know that the thirst for blood isn’t all you are. You aren’t a monster, Hakkai.”

“Goku, I . . .”

“I’ll prove it to you,” Goku scrambled beneath the bedclothes and pulled them down next to him. “Get in bed.”

“What?!”

“Calm down, Hakkai. Your thinking’s as perverted as Gojyo’s. Not sex, just sleep. I want you to see that I trust you. I trust you in my weakest moment.”

“”Weakest moment’, huh? That’s no real test. You could beat me in your sleep. I’ve seen it before.” An uneasy feeling settled deep into the youkai’s stomach, and it had nothing to do with hunger or blood.

Goku sat up and glowered at him. “I’ll just keep bugging you until you come over here. I don’t care how patient you are, I can make sure you break.”

Hakkai let out a heavy sigh, giving a gentle ruffling to the mane of the dragon curled up beside him. Hakuryu raised his head and gave his master an encouraging cheep, then wound himself up again. Reluctantly, Hakkai slid up next to Goku on the narrow mattress. He found he had to spoon with the youth in order to even fit. That fact did nothing for his nerves. A jagged twinge of hunger hit him, and he almost leapt right back out of the bed again.

“Yeah,” the monkey curled up and shifted happily. “Comfy. Take one of the limiters off.”

“I can’t.”

“Take it off, I said.” Before Hakkai could protest further, a small hand reached back, burrowed under his head, and snatched off one of the silver clips. “Got it! Don’t make me take them all, Hakkai.”

His body stiffened. The green-eyed youkai grit his teeth and stifled a groan as demonic enegy welled up inside him, blossoming malignantly. His ears itched as they lengthened and tapered just a bit, not coming to points yet but approaching it. Hakkai’s canine teeth lengthened until they were full demon fangs, and his fingers stretched involuntarily as
claws curved from them. His demon markings stayed hidden beneath the veneer of pale skin, but Hakkai could almost feel them there now.

#How long will you have will to resist when you have such easy means to draw the blood, Gonou?#

Hakkai’s bedmate grabbed at his wrist and rubbed his palm, yanking Hakkai’s body closer in the process. Goku studied the long, pale hand in his grasp with great curiousity. “Wow, look at these talons! They’re as long as . . . mine? I halfway remember, like something I dreamed about. Are mine like this?”

“Longer,” the roughness in his voice disturbed Hakkai more than a little.

“See, even like this, with claws that could carve me to bits . . .”

“I doubt that.”

“Shut up and let me talk! Even with claws that could carve anyone to bits, I trust you not to. I know you won’t. If you won’t take what I’m offering tonight, we’ll get blood for you soon. Maybe we could ask Sanzo or Gojyo . . .”

“No!” Hakkai almost shouted, then he calmed himself, frightened that Sanzo or Gojyo might hear, despite being down the hall. “No, Goku. The others will kill me . . . well, maybe not Gojyo. Sanzo, at least, won’t hesitate to shoot me in the head if he thinks I’ve become a danger or a liability. I wouldn’t blame him.”

“Bullshit! We can’t make it there without you, Hakkai! I think they’d be more worried about you than mad at you, just like I am. Even Sanzo would probably try to fix your problem before he tried to shoot you. I don’t think he’d hurt you unless it was the absolute last thing to try.”

This gave Hakkai pause; he remembered the incident with Rikudo. Sanzo hadn’t fought his old friend until it was absolutely necessary that he go on the offensive. He would have died for that hesitation without divine intervention. Sanzo had called Hakkai “friend” once, even though he denied that they were that close three-quarters of the time. Perhaps that would be enough to believe in Goku’s optimism.

Or maybe his sins, real and potential, were too much for Sanzo to ignore, maybe too much for any of them, given time.

“Stop worrying so much and sleep on it, Hakkai.” The hand holding his slapped his fingers sharply. Then it soothed over the hurt spot, and pulled his hand up over Goku’s belly. “See, I even trust you not to hurt me with your claws this close.”

“I’m so tired.” It was no lie; Hakkai was suddenly exhausted, as ready to drop unconscious as Goku had said. He shifted his head, trying to get used to the new shape of his ears. He made himself halfway comfortable against the warm, solid weight beside him, and regulated his breathing, the wild spikes of Goku’s hair brushing his face. The sweet, earthy scent of the being beside him made him feel drugged.

Sleep dragged him down.

Hakkai drifted in blackness for a long time. At first, there were no dreams, unless vague, half-formed colors and voices counted. Then, his desires caught up with his subconscious mind’s best attempts to block them.

He dreamed of the taste of flesh and blood. He was blind here, and instinct led rather than his senses. His mouth sought nourishment directly; to claw heated crimson out of skin seemed too much trouble. Hakkai wanted to bite, to lick carefully at welling punctures until his tongue and lips were smeared, his mouth flooded, and swallow his fill.

Hakkai’s lips parted and he pushed forward. He found soft skin and a warm, thrumming pulse against his mouth. He licked the pulsing vein, nibbled lightly. His prey let out a quiet groan, a groan of pleasure rather than fear. He licked again, scraped his fangs over flesh that he deliberately didn’t break. The other body squirmed, then he felt a sigh wrack
through it.

The second sigh was frustrated, almost angry. “Hakkai, your teeth are on my neck.”

“Pardon, “ the youkai muttered, not really awake.

“Umm, it felt kinda good.”

As Hakkai became more aware of himself, he’d realized he’d been instinctively channeling his own *chi* into the skin he’d been mouthing to dull the pain of the bite he’d been about to deliver. Another observation told him he might have been trying to even draw sensuality into that bite. “Goku, why do you smell . . . like sex?”

“Before I really woke up, uhh, I was . . .”

“I understand.” Hakkai’s breath stirred the hair on the back of Goku’s neck. He must have dragged the short boy up to mouth level in his sleep.

“You do?”

“It’s a self-comfort gesture. Gojyo may have teased you about it, but don’t feel ashamed. Everyone does it.” It cames as a relief that Goku’s scent wasn’t caused by his attempted bite, at least not entirely.

“I’m ashamed, but that’s not why. I didn’t want you to know. You’re my friend, and I was using . . . I was about to get off from your mouth on my neck.”

“Why’d you wake me, then? It doesn’t bother me if I was fulfilling a need of yours. If I’d accepted, you would have fulfilled a need of mine,” perhaps he should have been bothered by it, but he wasn’t. The healer was more uneasy about the fact that he’d finally admitted he needed blood, not just desired it.

“But it’s . . . sexual. You just need food.”

*Do I?*

“I thought it would weird you out,” the monkey continued. “The way I was enjoying it was weirding me out.”

He was so thirsty. His mouth was watering. “If you need to finish, I can keep on going. Safer for you this way, with me awake.”

“You mean, you’d let me? Um, that’s, uh, okay? Don’t take this the wrong way, but I wasn’t really thinking about you.”

“That’s all right.” *If he loves any of us, it’s Sanzo. Not that I blame him much.*

#Yes, your friends are all strangely magnetic, aren’t they, Gonou? The full sweep of the hunger is exciting, is it not? It’s hard not to indulge in baser emotions among such beautiful prey. To mate and then kill, well, that’s not unheard of, nor to be aroused by blood.#

*I will not kill one of my friends in a fit of passion!* Hakkai defied the cloying voice by moving with slow deliberation.

Hakkai focused his lips on a point at the base of Goku’s hair. He gave the spot a little nibble. For not being sexual, his desire for blood was nearing a heated level. Hakkai let his tongue glide gently up toward the pulse in his young friend’s neck, and was rewarded with a soft murmur. The youkai rested his lips near Goku’s hairline, let a couple of light,
dry kisses fall there. His bedmate gave an agitated squirm. Hakkai heard the shifting of fabric and suspected the monkey had freed himself from his shorts. Goku was certainly not modest once he knew he was in the company of someone who didn’t mind.

He slid his mouth up, tilted his head, and opened his lips over Goku’s pulse. He swirled his tongue in delicate circles, then flicked it over the vein. Then, he brought his fangs into play, teasing the sensitive flesh. Goku moaned, rucked his nightshirt up, and pulled Hakkai’s hand onto his bare belly. Hakkai nibbled a bit more, then sucked rhythmically, feeling his demon side as if it was beating outward at his skin. It forced his attention to heat and salt, and such smooth, delicate flesh, which tasted almost as good as the anticipated blood. Hakkai allowed his fingers to lightly trace the boy’s abdomen.

The moan that brought nearly coalesced into his name, but not quite. Hakkai sucked harder, encouraged.

#He’s so close, Gonou, and so are you. Finish this and pierce the skin. If the stupid boy is content using you for his pleasure, why should you not act in kind?#

At that moment, the demon voice was silenced by Goku throwing his head back and letting go with a low whimper. The vulnerable vein slid backward out of reach, leaving Hakkai breathing against Goku’s throat, breaking the spell. Goku shuddered, and hot liquid splashed Hakkai’s knuckles, the back of his wrist.

His clawed hand was sticky with Goku’s essence. He wiped it on his thin shirt, not wanting to succumb to the instinct to lick his fingers. “Mmmp,” Goku turned around and hugged him close. “Really nice, Hakkai. So good of you . . .”

“Left a mark,” Hakkai yawned. “Almost broke the skin.”

“Don’t care. No one sees my neck, anyway, collar’s too high. Back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay. . . “ Hakkai muttered, and exhaustion from the amount of control he’d been exercising won out over hunger.

End part 3. Please review!