Unlocking My Love

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: bad language
Author's Notes: Thank you to everyone reading. I don’t know yet how long this one will be – it will simply be a case of what my fuzzy little muse gets up to! And you all know just how weird IT can be!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’.


Unlocking My Love: Chapter 3


Yuki lit the cigarette and drew on it deeply before removing it from his lips and exhaling loudly, more a sigh than anything else.

He looked at himself in the mirror and grimaced at what he saw although he was smartly yet casually dressed, with his grooming immaculate, even though his hair was getting just a bit too long and falling irritatingly into his eyes. He flicked his head a little self consciously to clear his vision and watched the end of his cigarette glow red as he inhaled again. This was the third he had had in less than half an hour and it didn’t seem to be helping.

He glanced at the watch on his wrist. He would have to go now if he was going to be on time. Another look to the reflection, a critical eye taking in the view from head to toe; it would have to do. He turned and reached out to snag his jacket from the bed, ignoring the other scattered clothes that lay where he had flung them, discarding each for one reason or another, and left his apartment.

He drove sedately to the offices of NG Productions, there was no need to rush as he had plenty of time and there was probably no point getting there early. He wasn’t particularly interested in being forced to sit idly in the car for a lengthy period.

He pulled into the parking lot and commandeered one of the bays marked for ‘visitors only’ directly opposite the main doors so he had a clear view of anyone entering or leaving. There weren’t many vehicles present; it must be a quiet day for NG Productions for once. He had made certain to park where there were vacant bays on either side of him. He didn’t want some dickhead slamming open a door and scratching his beloved Mercedes.

He checked his watch again and saw it was only a few minutes before 3.00 pm. He still had a little time. He lit up a cigarette, knowing he was smoking more than usual but also refusing to acknowledge that he was doing so from nerves. He leant his seat back as far it could go, enabling him to be slightly reclined, and stretching out his long legs.

His eyes closed as he filled his lungs once more with nicotine. He had a place in mind to go for coffee; he had been thinking about it the whole drive here. It wasn’t far from the studio and he was certain that Shuichi wouldn’t have been there before. Once he had gone there with Tohma, but it was unlikely that Shuichi would have bothered finding it, and he doubted very much that Tohma would have let on about its location. Tohma liked to keep some places his own little secret, probably so he could go there in peace and not be bothered by other NG staff. It had seemed a good place for the two them to start out. It was really the only place he could think of on this short notice.

He had vacillated all day as to whether to call Shuichi or not. When the youth had left him last night he could barely choke out a goodbye, let alone any other comment. He had hung onto the door handle, watching as the young man walked down the steps and disappear from view, his grip so tight it made his knuckles hurt. He had kept his mouth clamped shut tightly, holding back the words he had wanted to call out, that threatened to be spilt and shatter his composure completely. He had bitten back on those words so hard that his jaw had ached with the effort.

When he had finally forced himself to step back and close the door - long after all sign of Shuichi had vanished - he had just stood there, both hands resting before him, palms pressed flat against the wood as his entire body had shook. Damn it!, he cursed to himself. Damn him!

He had turned and rested his back against the closed door, taking deep ragged breaths over and over. His eyes lit upon the stacked boxes that now seemed to scream accusingly at him for his betrayal. He should never have done it. He should never have packed that stuff up! When Shuichi had so calmly accepted their presence, had even quickly been able to plan how to go about collecting and taking them away, Yuki had almost wanted to hit him his anger had been that fierce. What the hell had Shuichi been thinking?! Was he trying to drive him mad? Was he testing him?

No, no, he didn’t think Shuichi was that devious. Tohma would perhaps do something like that, but not Shu. No, it wasn’t to get back at him. At least…he didn’t think so.

That was when it had hit him with a force so hard it had sent him sliding to the floor as he stared out unseeing into the room before him. That was when he realised that he didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know what Shuichi was thinking, he couldn’t second guess him as he once had. He had no idea any more what Shuichi Shindou was thinking or even what he was like.

That thought had crashed over him and brought with it a feeling of terror like he couldn’t recall ever feeling before. He hadn’t realised just how much he had come to rely on that intimate certainty he had had that he knew Shuichi’s every thought and belief. That certainty was what had convinced him of Shuichi’s devotion back at the start of the relationship. No matter what Shuichi did he always had the certainty that nothing had changed in relation to the youth’s feelings for him. That knowledge was just something he knew; something he knew that, without a doubt, wouldn’t change.

That is how, over the time they had been together, he knew what Shuichi was thinking and how he would react to things. In some ways Yuki knew that he could manipulate his young partner through this knowledge, wind him up to get the desired results; whether it was for some peace of mind, food, beer, cigarettes…or sex. It wasn’t all one-sided though, Shuichi could play the game as well - as Yuki knew - but that is what it was about. That close familiarity of each other, with all the weaknesses and strengths, habits and behaviours, as they became immersed in the other.

Now…..now he couldn’t do that. This Shuichi wasn’t the same one he knew. He was - but now there were different facets to his personality that Yuki didn’t know, and couldn’t predict. This Shuichi didn’t react to things he said and did in the way his previous Shuichi would have. His Shu, upon seeing the boxes packed up, would have burst into a tirade of angry words at Yuki’s unfeeling actions and cried a fountain of tears, whilst clinging to him tightly and wiping his snotty nose over his shirt. That is what his Shuichi would have done.

Not simply say thank you and leave.

He had sat there on the floor for many hours after Shuichi’s departure, unmoving, silent. Sat there till the light of dawn had first touched the horizon. He might have slept a little during that time but he had no way of knowing for certain so unaware of his surroundings he had been. He had finally roused himself when his body insisted that he attend to its natural functions. After going to the bathroom he made some strong coffee, immediately lighting a cigarette even though his stomach protested the abuse this early. He couldn’t even bring himself to take his myriad of medications lined up on the counter. He had spent the morning hours just drinking coffee, though more cups were left to go cold than consumed, and watching the ashtray before him slowly fill with the discarded stubs.

His hand had reached for his phone on the table before him a number of times before finally garnering the courage to ring NG Productions to obtain Shuichi’s cell phone number. The staff there fully knew who he was and so immediately gave it to him, but after receiving it he still couldn’t bring himself to call. The mere thought was almost paralyzing.

He continued to smoke, mulling over lukewarm coffee as the sun continued to climb in the sky. What if Shuichi didn’t want to see him? They had seemed to part on good enough terms, but what if he had woken up this morning and decided that it had all been a mistake and he didn’t want to go back to the way things were?

Shuichi wasn’t a young kid anymore; gone was the gawky teenager he had first met, this Shuichi was an adult. For the first time Yuki realized that he was truly seeing him as an equal. Shuichi had proven he could look after himself. He had managed in North America, combating and overcoming language and cultural difficulties, and still managing to not only survive, but actually thrive. He had managed to build a real life for himself over there, a life full of potential. He hadn’t fallen to pieces and messed everything up.

Shuichi was one of those people who others were naturally drawn to and they couldn’t do anything but assist him, but that was only because it was his own honest and open personality that attracted them to him in the first place. The most important thing about that was that Shuichi always knew how to make the most of that help offered, nothing was ever brushed aside or discounted. He was not one to sit idly and do nothing, just waiting for it to happen for him. Despite his seemingly ditzy attitude much of the time, Shuichi actually was a real ‘go-getter’. If it was something he wanted, he made certain to get out there and obtain it.

Now Yuki realized that Shuichi had really grown up whilst they had been apart, and he couldn’t help but fear that this new competent adult Shuichi no longer needed him in his life. That thought chilled him right through to the bone. If Shuichi no longer needed him to be the adult in their relationship, why would he want to be with him?

He clasped his fingers tightly around the phone still in his hands from the last call to NG. He couldn’t just let him go - not again! Too many times in the past year he had been left to trail on the sidelines watching Shuichi walk blithely on his way, completely unaware of his presence and need to be with him. For too long he had been forced to watch Shuichi continue on with his life without Yuki a part of it. He had been left hiding in the shadows like some lurking beast – or monster from the past. He didn’t want to do that anymore. He wanted to come out of the shadows, to stand in the sun with Shuichi by his side. He wanted to see that bright smile directed at him and him alone, the eyes that could show such passion and joy to only see him. He wouldn’t stand back anymore. He just couldn’t do it. It hurt too damn much!

Another thought suddenly came to him with startling clarity as he sat there. Is this how Shuichi had felt all that time ago, back at the beginnings of their relationship? Was this burning uncertainty and doubt about his place in his partner’s life that ate away at his soul like a ravenous creature - was this what Shuichi had been feeling all that time?

Yuki felt almost physically ill, so much so that he was forced to swallow forcibly three times in an attempt to keep the bile down that was trying to force itself up from his stomach. Now he felt he could understand Shuichi a little better from back then. Was it any wonder that Shuichi kept chasing him, kept pushing, never letting him go away no matter what he did? How had he been able to stand this devastating feeling that seemed to try and rob all life from your heart and very soul? How had the youth tolerated it for so long and still been able to smile? How had he even known that there would ever come a time when he would find a reprieve from this crushing weight that you could barely find the strength to stand against?

Yuki’s hands shook as a single burning tear slipped from one eye and traced a fiery trail down his skin. He dropped his head into his hands, nails nearly clawing at his scalp as he tried to stop the thoughts racing in his mind. How had Shuichi done it? When the same thoughts and feelings were driving him to the brink of insanity at a break-neck pace?!

A tear fell to his cloth-covered knees and he examined the tiny spot of dampness that rapidly faded as it was absorbed. He couldn’t let it end like this. He had to do something. If he didn’t, he would lose everything.

Sniffing back deeply he sat up once more, taking another calming breath and trying to focus. If he let Shuichi think about everything that went on last night for too long then the young man might decide that he had a good life without Yuki in it. He might decide that it was better to not try and complicate things by beginning again with his old lover. Yuki still wasn’t completely certain just how much Shuichi truly remembered. Not just in remembering the facts, but his heart and soul remembering the emotions that went with it. He couldn’t help but wonder about that. Could he perhaps help Shuichi remember more than just the physical and tangible, and go beyond to the emotional? He wasn’t very good with that side of things and he doubted his own ability in that area. Perhaps Shuichi would be better off if he didn’t try to mess with him again.

He mentally shook his head in anger. No, that wasn’t the answer. In some ways he selfishly didn’t care if Shuichi was better off without him. He had tried to walk away once, to think of the other’s well-being. He couldn’t do it again. He wasn’t that much of a saint! He would rather be Shuichi’s devil and drown the youth in all the temptations, passions, enticements, desire and lust he could! He would not allow Shuichi to forget about him! He would not allow him to walk away from him again! He would fill Shuichi’s every pore, every fibre of the other’s being, until he could do nothing except live and breathe for Yuki! He would consume Shuichi in all ways!

He gritted his teeth as he began to punch the buttons on the phone, forcing himself to continue each time his hand tried to waver with new uncertainties, focusing on his burning passion which was almost close to obsession. He didn’t care if he was obsessed. He /would/ have what he wanted!

He had been surprised to hear Shuichi’s voice suddenly through the phone when there had been no sound of ringing. It had been as though his thoughts had conjured up their focus at his behest. The suddenness had thrown him a little, putting him on the defensive and his new-found determination had faltered. Fortunately, Shuichi seemed to take the initiative as he often used to before, and they had quickly arranged a meeting. When Shuichi had hung up, Yuki felt almost lightheaded with relief. At least he wanted to still meet. That was a start.

*******

There was a tap on the window next to his head, startling him. His eyes shot open and he tensed but it was only Tohma peering in at him through the glass with an amused smile. He scowled, yet still wound the window down.

“Couldn’t you find somewhere more comfortable to sleep, Eiri?” Tohma asked, leaning on the roof of the vehicle.

“Shut up,” Yuki mumbled, raising the last of the cigarette to his lips.

Tohma’s smile just deepened. “So what brings you here today?” he queried, although Yuki had the distinct impression that he had already guessed. His brother-in-law’s propensity to accurate predictions was downright irritating at time.

Still he answered. “I’m picking up the brat.” he replied.

“Ah, I see,” Tohma flicked a quick glance over his shoulder to the main doors but there was no-one else in sight yet. “Are you going out somewhere?”

“Coffee, if you must know,”

“Coffee’s a good start.” Tohma said, straightening his jacket that had slipped a little from one shoulder.

There was silence for a moment as Yuki stubbed out the finished cigarette.

“What the fuck did you tell him?” Yuki finally had to ask. The question had been burning inside him since Shuichi had told him last night that he had spoken to his brother-in-law.

“Hmm?” Tohma said nothing more, just gazed back at Yuki with large beguiling eyes.

“Don’t give me that shit!” Yuki growled, glaring back at his friend, confident and arch-nemesis. “What did you tell him?!”

“Nothing but the truth,” Tohma replied, completely unruffled by Yuki’s tone.

“Whose version?!” Yuki snorted.

Tohma tilted his head to one side and replied, “There is only one version of the truth based on the facts, Eiri. The interpretation of said facts is what may differ.”

They were suddenly interrupted by a loud hail of “Yukkkkkki!” drifting through the air to them from somewhere above. Tohma looked up as Yuki peered through the front windscreen seeing Shuichi hanging precariously out of an upper level window, waving frantically.

“I’ll be right there!” he called out and then the figure disappeared.

Tohma looked back down at Yuki. “I have left that interpretation of the facts up to Shindou. If you wish to contradict his version - that I leave up to you.”

“Fucking meddling bastard!” Yuki snarled.

Tohma shrugged and stepped away from the vehicle as Shuichi came leaping down the stairs three at a time from the front doors of the building, only slowing a little when he recognized his boss standing by the car.

“Have a pleasant afternoon.” Tohma said benignly, bestowing a serene smile on them both before turning and re-entering his domain.

“What did he want?” Shuichi wanted to know, opening the door and sliding into the seat.

“Nothing,” Yuki snapped, starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot. “You’re late.”

Shuichi pouted at him. “Yeah, well, you were obviously busy being entertained by Tohma to have forgotten the time!”

“I hadn’t forgotten. I just couldn’t get away. Otherwise you’d be walking.”

“Then you’d have been bored on your own.”

“Humph!”

“So where are going?” Shuichi asked after a moment of silence.

“There’s a place nearby I thought we could try, so it won’t take long to get there.” Yuki felt a little calmer now. He had managed to push his irritation with his brother-in-law to one side. Tohma always managed to make him face things that he would much rather not and he didn’t want to deal with it just at the moment.

“Good! I’m dying for a coffee!” Shuichi said, turning to look out the window. “It was a hell of a morning!”

Yes, Yuki thought, it was.

***********

Yuki was able to park close by and they settled into a table just inside the door and waited to be attended to.

“So how come Tohma knew you were waiting?” Shuichi asked Yuki, leaning back in his chair.

“Huh?” Yuki paused in the midst of removing a cigarette from its packet. He then shrugged, completing the motion. “I don’t know.”

“So you didn’t tell him?” Shuichi said insistently.

“Why the hell would I do that?!” Yuki was so surprised by the question he could barely convey any anger at the prying.

“Oh, I just thought that perhaps you two were, like…discussing me?”

Yuki was glad he wasn’t the sort who flushed when embarrassed, or when caught out over things. With his pale skin, it would have been impossible to hide. He wasn’t about to let on to Shuichi that it was pretty much as he suspected and that he had been the topic of conversation between he and Tohma.

He finished lighting his cigarette, letting the silence lengthen. “Not everything has to be about you.” he finally said, trying to look casual.

Shuichi let out a sharp laugh, but then smiled. “Yeah, sorry. I’m just feeling a little paranoid.”

“Why?”

Shuichi raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Why?” he queried, “You’ve got to be kidding, right?”

Now it was Yuki’s turn to be confused as he shook his head. “What the hell have you to be paranoid about?” he questioned.

“Oh, how about just the fact that everyone I know has been lying to me for months? How’s that for starters?”

There was bitterness in Shuichi’s tone, thick enough to make Yuki blink and swallow hard before trying to think of something to say that could erase it and bring the smile back. However he could think of nothing.

Thankfully they were interrupted at that moment by the waitress. Yuki placed his order quickly and then Shuichi rattled his off. The waitress and Yuki stared at him.

“What?” Shuichi said, looking from one to the other.

“Care to try that again?” Yuki drawled, drawing on his cigarette. “In Japanese this time.”

“Huh?”

Yuki rolled his eyes and clarified to the bemused waitress what Shuichi’s order had been and she then left happy.

“What’s going on?!” Shuichi demanded.

“You gave your order in French. Idiot!”

“I did?” Shuichi looked surprised, then began chuckling, leaning back once more in his chair, one arm hanging loosely over the back.

“So what’s so funny now?” Yuki asked him, tapping the ash from the end of his cigarette.

“Ah, I guess it all just sort of reminded me of us meeting in Quebec.” Shuichi replied with a broad smile. “I mean, we’ve not got together like this since I came home so I guess I just fell back into the habit of thinking I was still over there. After all, we met quite a few times for coffee back then so this just sort of felt like another one of those times.”

“Hmm,” Yuki tired not to show the pleasure he felt at hearing Shuichi speak so warmly of their time together across the ocean. At least he knew now that he had enjoyed their meetings as much as he had. Perhaps coffee wouldn’t be a bad thing to do for a little while. Like Shuichi said, they hadn’t done it together whilst back in Japan; it would be like developing a new habit for them both to share.

Their orders appeared in short order and they both took their first sips with obvious relish.

“Ah, coffee’s got to be the best invention in the world!” Shuichi said with gusto, smacking his lips.

Yuki quirked an eyebrow at this display, “You’re going to be bouncing off the walls,” he commented dryly.

“Naw, this is the first one I’ve had today. I’ve stayed with the soft drink.”

“That’ll rot your teeth.”

“Since when were you so concerned with my heath?!”

“Since I’m usually the one to have to put with your sugar highs!”

“Well, unless you’re planning to move in, you don’t have to now!”

They both paused, cups half raised, eyeing each other over the table.

Shuichi flushed and averted his eyes. “Ah, forget that, okay?” he mumbled, lowering his cup.

“Yeah,” Yuki sipped from his before returning it to the table. “Idiot.”

Shuichi let out a deep sigh and looked sideways at Yuki. “You know,” he began, one hand fiddling with the table ornaments before him. “This is sort of awkward, yet....it feels comfortable to.” He flashed a quick grin. “Weird, isn’t it?”

“You always were,” Yuki said bluntly.

Shuichi stuck his tongue out and Yuki frowned back. “For someone who is supposed to be an adult, you still act like a brat!” he said evenly.

Shuichi laughed. “I just like to see what reaction I get!” he said happily. He stretched his arms up then, reaching for the blue sky above them, head thrown back and eyes closed, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Yuki could see the shadow on his face from the broken cheek bone and as Shuichi dropped his arms, reaching behind to lift his hair away from his collar, he glimpsed again the puckered scars running down the side of his neck. What did Shuichi really feel about those imperfections?, Yuki wondered.

“How are you settling in?” he asked, lighting another cigarette. His hands needed something do so as to prevent them from reaching out to tangle in that silky hair and drawing that attractive face closer to be kissed.

“It’s been okay,” Shuichi said, playing with the sugar bowl. “I’ve been pretty busy since getting back. Firstly with getting used to singing again and working with the band, then with working towards this next album. Tohma’s pushed hard to get this tour organized and finalized on time. I never thought he could pull it off.”

“Tour?” Yuki’s cup paused at his lips.

“Yeah,” Shuichi looked askance at him. “Don’t you read the paper or watch TV?” he complained, rolling his eyes at the man opposite him. “How could you have missed all the hype about it! Tohma’s had it splashed over just about every medium he could pay to do so without getting arrested! You /must/ have heard about it!”

Yuki remembered that image of Shuichi on the TV a while ago – a dangerous, svelte, charismatic Shuichi, oozing sex appeal and yet at the same time complete unattainable. He remembered seeing it and feeling like the ground had fallen away from beneath his feet, that his world had crumbled completely and stolen the last vestiges of his long-lost love.

He hadn’t taken any notice that it might have been about a tour by Bad Luck, though from what Shuichi was saying it must have been. Since returning to Japan he had tried to ignore everything to do with the band, and the few times he could not avoid seeing or hearing something about them, he had tended to be so focused on Shuichi himself that he hadn’t taken much notice of anything else. It was then that it truly sunk in - Shuichi was going away.

“I remember seeing something about it,” was the only reply he could give as he struggled to get his emotions under control.

Shuichi thumped his elbows on the table, resting his chin on his laced hands and looking mournful. “Geez, and here I was thinking that you had been pining away for me all this time.”

Yuki choked, coffee spurting from between his lips and threatening to try and eject through his nose as well. Shuichi just burst out laughing, though was kind enough to pull out some serviettes and offer them to his still spluttering partner.

Yuki mopped at the spittle dotting his lips and chin and asked, “When do you go?” He hoped that Shuichi would put his rasping voice down to his recent attack and not due to trying to hold back the emotions that were threatening to wash over him.

“Next week,” Shuichi answered, tipping his cup up to drain the last of the beverage.

That soon. Yuki felt his heart plummet, coming to a halt somewhere in the vicinity of his shoes. Shuichi was going – again.

“We’re going to be gone some time,” Shuichi continued, “but it should be great!”

Yuki saw Shuichi’s eyes begin to sparkle, their old fire and excitement burning brightly. He really did almost look like his old self for a moment. If you ignored the new hairstyle, clothes, and thinner features. Who was he kidding? Get over it and get on with it, he berated himself. Shuichi was different, so just accept the changes and work out what you are going to do now.

“How long are you going to be away?” he asked, watching his coffee cool.

“Oh, a while. Tohma’s made this one pretty extensive and it’s going to be a real killer! He wants to make certain that everywhere knows that Bad Luck is back – and with a vengeance!” Shuichi actually looked very happy about it, obviously the thought of the amount of stress and exhaustion that would go with such a lengthy tour was not enough of a deterrent to drown out his enthusiasm for what was to come.

Yuki opened his mouth to say something, the words hovering there on the tip of his tongue to demand that Shuichi not go, to not leave him. But he couldn’t utter them. He didn’t have the right to stop him from leaving. This was his life, his livelihood. What did Yuki have to offer him in return? Nothing. Even his avowal of undying love was worth nothing compared to that. He had nothing to give to Shuichi that could possibly make him leave all that he had worked so hard to rebuild behind him. He had no right to try and even make him stay.

“It will probably be a little lonely at times, you know,” Shuichi said in a quieter voice. “This will be the first time for me to be away from my family since coming home, and away from here. I know that Hiro and Suguru, as well as Sakano and K will be with me so I won’t be entirely on my own, but I still wonder if I won’t find it a bit lonely. And perhaps a little scary.”

“You’ll be fine,” Yuki tried to reassure him gruffly, “You love this sort of thing. You’re going to be so damn busy making a spectacle of yourself that you won’t even have time to notice if you got lonely.”

“You think?” Shuichi queried, turning his cup in slow circles on the table.

“’Course you will. Stop being a dumbass and get your butt in gear. It’s not like you to mope around over something like this. You only brood over stupid things, not important ones.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?!” Shuichi demanded indignantly.

“Just what I said,” Yuki growled, pulling out another cigarette. “When it’s something important, especially when it’s to do with your music, you just get on with it and make it happen. You don’t let yourself get down about it for long or dwell on what-ifs and may-bes. When it’s something really stupid, like when you got your nose out of joint just because Fujisaki joined the band, you go all depressed and postal and anyone would think that the world had come to an end. You’re just an idiot like that.”

Shuichi glared at him fiercely. “Look, just because I’m not all ‘calm, cool and collected-guy’ like the famous Eiri Yuki, famous romance novelist, doesn’t mean that I’m stupid!”

“No, you’re all ‘spazzy, ditzy and completely crazy-guy’ just as Shuichi Shindou, the incomprehensibly famous lead singer of Bad Luck. Just goes to show there’s no taste left in this world!”

“Well, thanks for your insightful input, Mr Arrogant Know-It-All Bastard.”

“Anytime, moron!”

“Jerk!”

“Idiot!”

Shuichi suddenly pushed back his chair to stand and looked down on Yuki with a hard glint in his eye. “You really are a complete asshole, Yuki, you know that? What did I ever see in you?” and then he turned and stormed out of the café too quickly for Yuki to do anything more except open his mouth to try and say the words to stop him.

He stared at the vacant doorway. How had it deteriorated so quickly? He had thought it hadn’t been going too badly and he had been trying to cheer Shuichi up, get him out of the morose thoughts so he could focus on his music. He hadn’t been trying to pick a fight – so how had it turned into one?

Again he realized just how badly he had misjudged the situation. He was still responding to Shuichi as he had before. He was not taking into account that Shuichi was different in more ways than just the physical. He /couldn’t/ keep responding to him in the same way or this type of thing would happen again.

And again.

And again.

Until, eventually, one of them would break completely and any hope of re-establishing their relationship would be doomed forever.

Hell, had he fucked up badly this time!