Towers of Silence

A few days later...

“Sanzo, is this your book?”

I turned around to look at whatever he had found.

He was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his right hand and a book in his left hand. His chest was naked and his legs clad in jeans. Black jeans. I let my gaze glide down further... the zipper was teasingly pulled down to expose his delicate skin. Somehow he had gotten used to not wearing anything under his pants, but he still didn’t miss any chance to make fun of my own habit of going commando.

The thought of putting my hand down his pants and feeling nothing more than the skin of his cock had always made me shiver in a pleasant way. This time, his hair was still wet from the shower and impatient as he was he hadn’t dried it because “as he’s a water sprite he can’t catch a cold from such simple things“. But his hair wasn’t the only thing that was dripping wet; pearls of water were still gathering on his chest to run down slowly in a nice curvy line… only to be caught again in the lower regions of his torso. His pubic area was interspersed with little beads of shiny water. His dark hair held the water there like a treasure, like bubbles of liquid air in a thick forest of red trees…

“Sanzo, I’m talking about the book in my hand… not about my cock.”

My head shot up in the air to search for his red eyes and with annoyance I saw his worst smirk. Whenever I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of his forbidden spots when he didn’t intend to tease me with his naked body I couldn’t avert my eyes from him, it was like I was hypnotized. He had asked me whether this book was mine. I hoped that I hadn’t forgotten to take that other book with me to hide it from him before sitting down at the table to read the papers. I didn’t want him to find out about it, it would have been a disaster. Stiffly I twisted my neck to see the book more clearly but from that distance I wasn’t able to recognize details.

“What’s the title of the book?”

After a brief look at the cover he seemed to think of something. Then I had his full attention.

“…Sade… I think I know that author… but where…”

No… it can’t be… I HAD forgotten to take that goddamn book with me. And there was only one possible solution for this situation. I jumped up to run to the couch and reached for the book but he was too quick for me; he had noticed my excitement and now held the book away from me, out of my reach.

“What are you so excited about, Sanzo? Do you want to get the book?”

“Give it to me! NOW!”

“So it is yours. Tell me about the plot and maybe then I’ll give it back to you.”

I glared at him in anger and I wouldn’t have told him about the story even if he had tried to kill me.

“No.”

“Well then, I’ll have to read for myself.”

And he opened the book and turned his back on me so that I was unable to get it. I knew that it was useless to wait for him to give it back as long as he hadn’t found out about the plot.

I snorted. “Ch… Damn half-breed...”

Defeated, I turned around to sit down in the chair. After some minutes he closed the book and put it on the table, his gaze still on the cover.

“Funny things you’re reading...” he told me in a thoughtful voice. Then he looked up at me. “You must like the book quite a bit… you like the things he’s describing there, don‘t you?”

I blushed and swallowed hard, trying to think of an answer that would get me out of this embarrassing situation in the quickest way. I failed so I decided to try sounding angry.

“Logically I like them because otherwise I wouldn’t have spent so much time reading that book.”

To my surprise his mouth turned into a smile.

“That’s good.”

And he stood up and went towards me. I don’t know whether he did it on purpose or not but his pants slid down a bit to tease me and when he arrived there he put his hand on my chair and bent his head to look straight into my eyes. Only a few centimetres separated us from touching. Only for half a second I resisted the urge to cast down my eyes to get his more interesting parts into my sight and what I saw there made me blink. Although his pants were unbuttoned they were too tight and already wrinkling up; his cock was hard and pressed against the fabric and the sight of that gave me a thrill. He must have noticed the direction of my look and only to tease me more he reached down and took his cock into his hand and gave it a squeeze. In addition he moaned in a low voice into my ear.

“You see what your book has done to me…?”

I could smell the sweat on his skin and his damp hair felt cool on my shoulder and suddenly I noticed that I was panting.
He took his hand out from his pants and grabbed mine… it was wet, I suppose from the pre-cum. With a quick movement he placed my hand on his hard dick and I felt it twitch from the touch. I looked at him in anticipation and he leaned in to kiss me. While he was chewing on my lips, exploring my mouth with his tongue and running his fingers through my hair I began to stroke him violently; I knew that he really liked that.

He moaned into my mouth and sank down on his knees. His other hand appeared in my vision for a moment and disappeared again, and then I felt it on my neck. All of a sudden he squeezed and accompanied with a gasp I doubled my efforts. The tighter he squeezed the harder I had to push and pull. When it became difficult to breathe I distorted my face and I felt his cock twitch again under my actions… it turned him on to choke me while I was finishing him off and every time he went totally mad.

Thinking about his passions, about him getting turned on by choking me while coming also made me hard. I think it happened by accident, but he kneed me in the groin and I opened my mouth for a silent cry of pain and lust. At the same time I formed a tight fist around his erection and pressed my thumb against the tip, which made him gasp and he doubled over. His hot semen covered my fingers and dripped on the floor. Finally, jerking from his orgasm, he buried his face in my hair and rocked forward with his knee. I knew that I had to continue the strokes on his cock until he went limp but it was getting difficult with my hard-on and his grip on my neck hadn’t loosened either…

When the last wave of that pure ecstasy had left him he removed his hand from my neck and fell against my chest. I was coughing and shaking but happy to get some air into my lungs… until he pressed his mouth firmly against mine to steal my breath again. Playfully he pinched my nipple and kissed me until I had to shove him away to catch some air… Sometimes I had the feeling that he really would let me choke without batting an eye and maybe even come again from the sight. But he looked content and it was always a good feeling to know that I had pleased him.

He was sitting on my thighs like a little child, staring at me with a soft smile. I leaned on the pillows of the chair, my head in my hand and my eyes closed. It was 3 p.m. and I was so tired that I would have fallen asleep in that chair if Gojyo hadn’t touched the bulge in my pants now.

“You haven’t come yet...”

I was looking at him and I swear I heard an invitation in his voice and words and I knew what would happen next. At least I knew the result of what would happen next. He undid the fly of my tight pants and pulled out my stiff cock. He was searching for eye contact now so I fixed his eyes with mine and I knew that I wasn’t allowed to look down on what he did.
I cried out loud when I felt him pinching the sensitive flesh and in response he reached down to my tortured cock and violently pinched my balls. He didn’t show any mercy and it was so painful that I wanted to catch his hands, but after looking into his threatening eyes I didn’t dare stop him anymore.

I bit on my lower lip to stop myself from moaning and screaming but the resulting pain and the blood I tasted didn’t help me in the faintest way to bear the pain he was causing further down. Suddenly, as always, it clicked and I felt a pleasure as intensive as the pain had been. I couldn’t stifle my groans any longer. I rocked forward and got hold of the fabric of the armchair while he continued pinching my genitals. It didn’t take long to feel the first signs of my release and Gojyo knew how to interpret them; he took my length into his mouth and this was the final sensation that sent me over the edge. I screamed, turning my gaze to his face and as I saw the cum spilling from his mouth I felt a new wave of pleasure claiming my senses.

“Gods I’m dying…I’M DYING!!”

Gojyo let me hear an amused chuckle but didn’t give up on triggering my sensitive spots, which made me curse even more…

“You damn cocksmoker…bite me hard…you dirty piece of shit!”

And he really bit down on my jolting cock, forcing tears to run down my cheeks. I moaned and writhed until I finally fell back into the chair with a last curse. It amused him to no ends listening to my dirty language when I was coming. It didn’t happen that often but from time to time I let him hear the bursts of my passion, sometimes uncontrollably moaning and sometimes insulting him. Nasty boy that he was, he got up to sit on my thighs again, leaning his head against my chest and laying his hands on mine.

“Your heart sounds like it’ll explode.”

I was jealous of him; he had a better stamina and therefore could save his strength more easily than I could. His heart was always beating in a constant, average rhythm and even after sex his heartbeat was miles away from beating as fast as mine.

“The harder you come the faster beats your heart…dumbass.”

He was laughing and mocking me. “Come on, you can’t tell me that my orgasm wasn’t as intense as yours. Not after looking at that.” And he pointed at the little lake of white on the floor.

“But you can’t compare our orgasms just with the cum we spilt!”

“No, Sanzo-sama, you’re right.”

His hair was still damp; it didn’t want to get dry today. I bent my head to take some strands of the red mass into my mouth and after rubbing them between my lips I let them drop down again. He was used to that habit and purred on my skin, his face buried in the hole of my armpit. Minutes passed, then…

“Sanzo...”

“Yes?”

“You smell like real man.”

“Ch…I told you often enough not to stick your nose into other‘s people business.”

Some moments of silence.

“Do you want to take a shower with me?”

“You already had one at midday, you brainless idiot.”

“So?”

I sighed in annoyance. He wouldn’t give up persuading me to take a shower with him and he always won in persuading me.

“Fine. Get the tub and all that stuff ready.”

With a happy look in his eyes he jumped up and hurried into the big bathroom. In the meantime I decided not to submit to his words or actions or whatever he may have wanted to use to make me hard again. Because this was the only reason why he could be so eager to invite me to take a shower together with him. At least I thought so.

“Everything’s ready, Sanzo. Come on, love…” I heard him purring from the room.

Slowly I stood up and headed for a hot sprite and loads of cold water.

He was standing near the shower tub, smiling and waiting for me to step in. I took off my pants and let them carelessly drop on the floor; his smile got even brighter while he was staring at me in lust. But I grabbed his shoulder and shoved him into the tub, reached for the showerhead and let a stream of icy water fall on his head. He yelled in shock and was about to escape from the tub when I shut the glass door and held it firmly closed to spoil his efforts of opening it.
It took him some moments to remember that he just had to move the water-cock in order to stop the freezing liquid from torturing his body so he finally turned around to shut off the water. Loudly panting he leaned against the door, which I now opened so that he fell into my arms.

“That was… really mean, Sanzo…”

He was shivering from the cold.

“That served you right. Cooling down your passion before I step in there was just the right thing.”

He grunted and took a few steps back to let me in. A brief glance at his shrivelled cock told me that he wouldn’t do anything for the next 10 minutes, hopefully. After splashing some water on me he took the shower gel to make my body one white statue of foam. He caressed my arms and back with his smooth hands, he stroked my legs and finally let my cock and balls glide through his fingers to cover them with foam. Another shower of luke warm water and the white foam disappeared down the drain. When he reached out to get the shampoo he touched my back and unintentionally pressed his hard cock against my ass. He wasn’t aware of this but I was well aware of his hardness. I could only wonder about his ability to get hard just minutes after he had already come once.

He let a generous amount of gel drop on his palm and then started to massage my scalp, which felt undeniably good.
After he had made me believe that I was secure he let his hands slide down my shoulders, heading towards my hips, but I tried to grab his hands to stop him from his obvious intention. I was able to catch his wrists but then he easily got rid of my grip and he was prepared for it the second time I tried to stop him. He stroked my flank and once down there he firmly gripped my ass and I jerked. Now the foam of the shampoo began trickling down my forehead and into my eyes. Annoyed with the burning pain, I raised my hands to sweep the foam away but they were also covered in shampoo from touching Gojyo’s fingers and I just rubbed more of that damn stuff into my eyes.

I don’t know what kind of shampoo we were using but it burned like hell in my eyes so that I couldn’t open them anymore without cursing. Didn’t they do any animal experiments? Gojyo realized the opportunity, took advantage of the situation and shoved his dick into my ass. I was not prepared for that, I was totally surprised and while I was in that state of mind he managed to press me against the wall and pushed forward until I felt his balls slap against the inner parts of my thighs.

In disappointment and pain I shouted at him, “Gojyo! …What... you dare... to FUCK me…” But I wasn’t able to continue voicing my grievance; I had to rub my eyes to get out that silly foam.

I was really disappointed in him; I had better thought of that eternally hungry water sprite. Now he must have leaned closer because suddenly I heard him talking near my ear.

“Yes, I dare.”

And with his usual force he started fucking me and I was furious that he was even able to raise the tip of my cock again by more or less raping me. It was unbelievable how fast he had recovered from the former attack; again he let his semen fill my ass but I hadn’t come, I was too busy with other things now to bother about enjoying this. Quickly he pulled out his limp dick and then let the water run over my head to help me in the battle against the shampoo foam.

After 5 minutes everything was done and I was eager to get out of that tub. I took the towel, wound it round my waist and without looking back I fled into our room where I let myself fall on the bed. Gojyo, that goddamn kappa... I planned to punish him for this when the time had come. Now I noticed the track of fluid on the floor. That must have been his cum, trickling from my ass now and I could still feel it on my calf. I reached down to get some of that fluid on my finger and absently I licked it off. It tasted bitter… but also sweet. Just like our relationship.

By now the kappa came strolling into our room. Of course he had nothing around his waist and his semi-erection was dangling between his legs... I couldn’t believe it.

“Don’t tell me you’re hard again.”

He looked down at his favourite part and declared with a happy voice that, yes, he was hard again. Or rather, still hard.
He sat down next to me and let his gaze slide over my wet body until he had reached my eyes.

“In your book… well, it tells that those four gentlemen have sex over the whole day without pause. And you told me you liked that book so I thought you were reading this kind of literature because you enjoyed their situation.”

I was staring at the ceiling and I was not ready to look him in the eyes like he might have wished me to do. I didn’t say a word. He expected some kind of explanation from me but if he was waiting there for me to talk about it and therefore admit that I liked the book, indeed he could prepare to die then and there.

He put his hand on my thigh, “How about giving the day an “adequate” end?”

Now I turned my head to look at him in curiosity. “What do you mean by that? “

“I mean sticking to the book regarding the agenda...”

“You mean fucking me once more before going to sleep.”

He was smiling at me; it was obvious what he was up to. “Just stay there, I will take care of the preparations.” In the count of 1 to 5, he had left the room.

I wasn’t sure about this. I was tired and felt so spent and lax, and besides I wasn’t in the mood for playing the Sub at all. But this didn’t matter; he wanted me as a Bottom, irrespective of my current mood. He must have been away for half an hour and for the first few minutes I just tried to empty my head. This worked so well that by the time he came back I had already fallen into a light snooze.

Now I felt him touching me somewhere but I was too lazy to open my eyes and there wasn’t any danger at all.
Something made a clicking sound and that familiar noise brought me back into reality. I opened my eyes only to see the ceiling. I turned my head to the side; my hand was stretched above my head so I pulled at it but I wasn’t very successful. So I turned my head a bit more to see the handcuffs that were holding my arms in place.

Gojyo was towering over me. I noticed that he had gone searching for the nice collar that I enjoyed so much to see on him. Some days ago he had complained about not being able to find anything in that house, damn it. It was a black leather strip with a ring on the front side and despite his affirmations that I look much better in it than him he wore it because I loved to see it on him. He looked so adorable…

Gojyo, the perfection of evolution, put a bag on the bed and rummaged through the things in it. He took out a piece of cloth and wound it around my head to make me blind. A quick kiss on my lips made me smile and I wondered what he wanted to do with me this time. Then I heard a mix of sounds, from which I couldn’t tell what they might have belonged to. I jerked a little in surprise when I heard him talking near my ear.

“Do you remember the passage from the book where they were forcing him to keep his back up in the air, otherwise he would risk getting stabbed with sharp stones?”

I had to think about it and it was difficult because my mind showed me hundreds of pictures from that book and from what we always did together. But I found the one he was talking about. The four men had tied a boy to the bed and then they had forced him to bow his back until he was touching the sheets with just his shoulder blades and toes. Then they had put some sharp stones under him and told him to remain in that posture if he wanted to live a bit longer. They were so cruel.

“Yes, what about it?”

I felt his hand slide under my back, pushing it up in the air, and after that I heard the sounds of stones hitting against each other and a terrible idea came to my mind. I didn’t dare lie down again. I was breathing frantically and my head burned from the heat of fear.

“Gojyo?! Did you put… stones on the bed right now?”

He hissed in my ear and swept away the beads of sweat that were forming on my forehead. “And you better not lie down, honey.”

Such a bastard, he really insisted on imitating the four men. It was unlucky for me that he had happened to read that part of the book.

“You can’t do this to me!” I screamed at him in rage and fear.

“Well, if I were you I would rather save my strength for staying in the air than waste it on shouting at me.”

The image of stones as sharp as knifes underneath me made me mad and I could already feel my muscles ache from stretching them. But I didn’t dare test the result of lying down again. I didn’t know what he was doing then, it was silent except for my panting. I swore that I wouldn’t give up that quickly and to remain in that posture until he was too tired to keep on watching me. At least I had this to console myself with, even if it wasn’t very realistic.

Now I felt the mattress move slightly so Gojyo must have been kneeling in front of me. He definitely must have been staring at my cock, which came to life, incited by my feelings and fear, and now that I knew that he was watching me I felt another thrill shoot through my body. It was awful and I felt ashamed that I drew so much pleasure from that situation even though I should have been scared to death.

“I knew you would enjoy this, Sanzo.”

Panting, I attempted to speak with my lungs pressed to my ribcage. “What gives you the certainty… that I am enjoying this...?”

“The rock between your legs.”

Damn him, I hated him. I pulled on the chains, which held my hands firmly to the bed.

“Shall I fetch a candle?”

It was useless to ask him what he wanted to do with such a thing because there was just one possible usage for it at the moment.

“Yes, let us celebrate with some tealights…”

“Who’s talking about tealights… I’m talking about candles... BIG candles whose heat would reach your back... not those tiny little tealights.”

I was fighting a battle with my flesh and mind; the flesh screamed to lie down, while the mind was appeasing me not to get too close to the sheets... and somehow every side of that situation appeared tempting. If I fell down on the bed I would have suffered from death immediately, from the shock as well as from the wounds. If I stayed in the air for much longer I would have suffered from a cramp and would have also fallen down on the stones. I shook my head to get those ideas out of my mind; they weren’t really cheering me up.

For a moment I lost control over my body, letting it drop just a few centimetres, when he had taken my cock into his mouth.

“No!!”

But he was already sucking me hard from the hilt to the tip while caressing my balls and the new sensation made me twitch and tremble. Between the panting I was moaning and for the first time in my life I even tried to pull back from his mouth to concentrate on not lying down, but he just gripped my ass and held me in that position. My heart was beating like a drum and I was really scared that it might have stopped from overstraining my body like that.

I pulled on the chains again in panic and tears started to wet the cloth on my eyes when I felt my orgasm near. I knew that when I came I couldn’t force myself to stay up any longer, but it was impossible to care about that and coming at the same time. So I tried to hold it back but I miserably failed and with a cry I came. My thighs were trembling like mad and I think I overstrained my back because I felt the muscles twitch and a stinging pain in the back. He continued to wind his tongue around my cock and I writhed and jerked in the chains until I felt my feet give way in horror. In a fraction of a heartbeat a painful thrill pulsed through my veins; my body went stiff as I tensed up by reflex and with a cry I prepared for the feeling of sharp stony ends in my back.

With a crash I landed on the sheets, still curled up in strain, and with my heart beating in a slow and pulsing rhythm like those were its last efforts at keeping me alive. It should have hurt by now…

But the fabric was pulled away from my eyes and I blinked from the light, which came from the little lamp to my left. Then I felt him freeing my hands and I blinked at Gojyo in confusion and exertion; I didn’t know what had just happened. He smiled at me and softly touched my cheek with his hand. To calm me down he bent his head to lick the sweat from my face and then he kissed me on the eyelid.

“There never were any stones, honey... I would never forgive myself if you got seriously hurt because of such shit.”

He embraced me and I had to swallow and wait for the words to penetrate my brain, confusion still hadn’t vanished and I was lost like a child in his arms.

“But… there were... stones...”

Without moving he whispered, “I just used them to convince you that you were stretching over stones. By now you should know that I love a good Mind Fuck just as much as real sex.”

“You sick pervert... I really thought I would fall on those stones, I was scared shitless.”

I felt reluctant now; he had exceeded the limit of my amount of feelings for the day an now I felt empty and spent.

“But it seemed like you found it quite interesting and pleasant… maybe we should do this more often.”

Shocked by that statement, I pushed him away.

“No... Please, honestly…it was horrible, I was in death-agony and it was really uncomfortable.”

He took me back into his arms and let his fingers slide through my hair.

“I won’t do anything you don’t like and you know that. You just have to tell me and I will never force you to do something like that again.”

I buried my face in his hair and chest and it felt wonderful to feel his nearness and security. After some minutes of silence he pushed me down to lie there and I was told to wait for him. I watched him as he disappeared through the doorframe, seductively wiggling his ass and his eternally long feet floating over the floor like he wouldn’t need to touch it to move forward.

He was the embodiment of beauty for me; he was perfect, physically as well as mentally and once more on this day I thanked the Gods that they had led me to him. I couldn’t imagine a life without him anymore and I was sure that he felt the same way. When I remembered the first time we had sex and compared it to now it was unbelievable how much we had gained ground in our relationship. I had always felt like he would leave me one day because everybody had done this in the past... my father, my mother… my teacher and the Gods... the Gods had never been on my side. Neither when I had nearly drowned in the river nor when those bastards had attacked Komyou.

The people I was forced to live with didn’t accept any responsibility, they all shifted their own responsibility onto me, no matter whether I would die from the burden or be able to live with it.

“Sanzo… go and get back our sutra..!”

“Sanzo-sama, the demons… they destroyed our town just because you came here!”

“Sanzo-sama... my kid’s dead because you didn’t exorcize the demon!!”

“Sanzo-sama… our comrades are lost because you didn’t kill the Youkai!”

I had enough guilt to carry with me, I didn’t need more of those complaints about my inability to save people’s lives.
I carried a sea of blood with me, hidden by a clean and decent appearance and sealed under the surface of my subconscious. By now I must have killed more than a thousand demons…and with every Youkai I had killed I increasinlgy became the victim of my conscience and almost every rainy night I got stung with remorse. Nobody had ever cared about my thoughts or about my feelings.

Suddenly I heard a scream from the kitchen and I jumped from the bed to look for the cause of Gojyo’s trouble. He was standing in front of the oven, two cups near the plate and a pot with hot boiling water on the stove, holding his left hand and painfully staring at the fingers. When he noticed me he looked up and smiled with a face contorted with pain.

“I just… scalded my fingers... nothing to worry about.”

That was situation comedy. I went towards him and examined his red fingers.

“You know... that’s the punishment for the shower tub rape.”

He wasn‘t seriously injured so I decided to take his fingers into my mouth to suck on them for a moment.

“Does it feel better?”

He was looking at me and obviously had forgotten about the pain. “Ahm... it still hurts a bit, Sanzo...”

If he was already able to joke about it couldn’t have been that bad. This time I took all of his fingers into my mouth and let my tongue swirl around them until I felt saliva trickling down my chin. Gojyo, that pervert par excellence, bent down and licked it away from my face, then licked over my lips and tensed his fingers to stretch my mouth. With an amused gaze he fixed my eyes with his and I stared back and gave him a taste of my self-consciousness, which was beyond measures at this time.

“Are you content now? We could still play a bit... I have got a veery niice idea about-”

He interrupted me quickly. “No… thank you. I think I have already overstrained my luck for one day.”

“That’s right. If you weren’t that lucky and if I weren’t so fucking tired now, I would have already eaten you alive for the things you did to me today… kappa.”

I poured the rest of the water into our cups and went back to our room with them and with Gojyo on my heels. We lay down in our well-tried posture and drank our coffee. Nevertheless, I wasn’t willing to accept everything in silence.

“Either you apologize for reading my book without my permission or I will have to keep you awake for the whole night. And it goes without saying that you will be punished tomorrow anyway.”

He didn’t move nor did he open his mouth to speak.

“And don’t think about not apologising because then I will throw you out of the house and let you wait until morning in front of the door stark naked... and keep in mind that it’s snowing.”

I could feel him shift uncomfortably, which amused me.

“I’m sorry for reading your book without your permission,” he said frankly.

“That’s not enough.”

“Of course it’s not enough! It’s never enough when I have to apologize for shit!”

He was in a rage and gesticulating with his hands and feet. And he was right; I had never been content with a half -hearted sentence like “I’m sorry”, which he might not even have meant like he was saying it.

“Unquestionably, you will be my pillow for the night.” And I shoved him down so that I could lie on his chest in the most comfortable way possible for me, and the most uncomfortable way possible for him.

He put his hands on my face and chest, gently stroking me there. “I think I can live with that.”

His voice sounded all soft and happy and I could feel that he was also content with that solution. Whenever he let me sleep on his chest it never ceased to amaze me how he could fall asleep with a weight like that on his body. But as long as he didn’t mind I wouldn’t ask him. I wouldn’t let him go if he attempted to leave me, not for anything in this world.

Before drifting into the land of confusing thoughts, I felt him kissing my head, and then I lost consciousness.

-------------------------

When I woke up I found myself spread all over Gojyo; my feet and his were an inseparable knot of limbs. My left hand was on his face and wet from the saliva dripping from his half open mouth, my right one was somewhere down in the cleft of his thighs. He murmured something, chuckled and licked over my fingers and I had to smile at how cute he was when he was sleeping.

I groped for his cock and when I had found it I gave it a squeeze. I was able to draw a scream from him and he wanted to sit up but I was too heavy on his chest. Ignoring him, I pulled on the blankets to cover us up to my neck and huddled against him. He needed some time to calm down again and after thinking about it for a moment, I was eager to get an answer from him regarding the question which I had always had in mind to ask him for a long time... Somehow it came to my mind; maybe I had had a dream about that subject last night. I wanted to know more about him anyway... I was interested in him.

“Gojyo?”

With his eyes closed he grunted to let me know that he was listening to me.

“Do you believe in God?”

He licked my fingers again. “Which God…” He was murmuring because he was too lazy to talk about things like that when it was still dark.

“Buddha for example?”

He gave a short laugh, “Hell no…”

“Any God?”

“ ’f course...”

“Oh dear, don’t be so talkative…”

I pinched his nipples and he writhed, which finally guaranteed his full attention on me despite his still closed eyes.

“I don’t believe in Buddha…or in any Kami-sama. You’re my God.”

“Idiot.”

“It’s true if I say so!” He petted my head, “You’re my little God.”

It was useless to ask him about these things. I sighed.

“What about you, Sanzo? Do you believe in Buddha?”

“Do you want to hear the answer from a Sanzo or from Genjyo Sanzo?”
“I’d prefer the one from Genjyo Sanzo, I think...”

I wasn’t prepared for this question and I had to think hard about it. “I don’t think that I believe in Buddha at all...”

“So what do you believe in, then?”

“I can’t think of anything.”

It was true; I had nothing to believe in and now I was wondering how the hell I had been able to bear all the shitty times in my life without having anything to believe in.

“Well then… if you think you have nothing to go for in your life… then let it be me.”

I was pretty stunned by his sudden wisdom so early in the morning, but this simple sentence had made me think about that whole God thing. The things that were important to you, the things one would protect with one’s life... that was your God. Your treasure. He who gave you confidence when you were uncertain, he who told you what to do when you were hesitating and upon whom you set your heart. In my case it was Gojyo and he seemed to like the idea of being my God, as I could feel him stroking my cheeks.

Otherwise I would have been some sort of a nihilist; I didn’t see any meaning in life except for him. If someone were to ask me about my religion I would have told him that I was a nihilist.

-“So why don’t you kill yourself then if everything is meaningless?”-

-“No, I wouldn’t do that because then I would miss all the sex and joy of life.”-

-“You see? It’s not that meaningless at all.”-

I smiled at that mental discourse and now I realized the whole meaning of Gojyo’s speech. But there was another question that had tortured me ever since the very instant he had opened that door for a second time years ago.

“Gojyo?”

“Mmmh…”

“Why did you decide to accompany me and to join the group?”

“Cause the three old talking heads told me to.”

“No… Come on, you weren’t forced to join us, you could have refused and nobody would have done you any harm.”

He coughed and turned his head to the side, his gaze didn’t change. Then, after a few seconds, he opened them for the first time this morning and stretched his neck to whisper into my ear.

“I joined you… cause that little group had a priest who was hotter than any woman I had ever seen in my life and every man I had ever ravished. He…” He stuck his tongue into my ear, “he… whom you would think had been a woman in his former life because of those alluring features and that so delicate body which he kept hiding under those fucking robes. Every time you took off your clothes to go to the bathroom I had to concentrate on not following and groping you. Why do you think it was always us two who had to share a room, huh?”

That made me swallow and now I couldn’t explain why the hell I had been so shameless and careless as to take off my clothes while he was in the same room with me. Maybe I had wanted to provoke him; I always had been a bit of an exhibitionist.

“You... told Hakkai to give us… a room? He knew about that all the time?”

“Yes, he did.”

He bit me into my earlobe and I jerked away, but he got hold of my ear with his teeth and didn’t let me go.

“You… thought that I… was hot?”

“Hell, yeah. Your body freaked me out. You have such beautiful lean muscles and at the same time you’re as thin as a rake… and your skin… oh, holy shit, it was white like the sheets; it made you look perfect. Your droopy violet eyes together with your blond hair, you looked so boyish, just as if you’d escaped from Botticelli’s ‘Venus and Mars’.
And whenever you took a sleeping tablet in the evening I was all happy.”

My eyes went wide as my brain worked on that scene. He bit down harder.

“Every time you took one of those little gifts of the Gods you would get drowsy in less then 5 minutes and then you would be out like a light. In the meantime I had to smoke and pretend not to give a damn about it but when you had finally fallen asleep… I took the blankets… pushed them away from your body... but damn it, you always slept with your pants on.”

“Of course I did! You really expected me to lie down with nothing more than a blanket covering me while sleeping next to a pervy water sprite? Besides, not everybody gets to see my beautiful cock just by chance.”

“Yeah… every time I had to take off your pants… by the way, what size were they?? It seemed like you bought them two numbers smaller than you needed them...”

I smirked, “Right.”

“You shitty priest, I don’t believe it… I had to be very careful not to wake you though, because I risked getting shot by a wild enraged priest who was touchy as hell. But the work was worth it. Whenever you went to bed you were hard and it didn’t stop just because you had fallen asleep… what the hell were you doing in that bathroom so that you always had such a hard-on?”

“You know... brushing your teeth can make you veeery hard.” I was seriously staring at him, “As I’m a monk I have learnt to meditate…”

“Hell nooo… don’t tell me you were...”

“Concentrating on collecting my Chi.”

He was fascinated by that story; he looked at me with red eyes filled with more than lust.

“But I’m sorry you can’t learn that.”

His gaze changed immediately. “Mh… what a pity.”

But with a quick movement of his head he looked at me again with a wide grin.

“Show me how you do that.”

“I’m already hard, I’m sorry,” I told him with a smirk.

He tilted his head to look at my cock. “But it’s not as hard as it is when you come. I bet you’ve forgotten how to do that since I give you the orgasms that you’ve been lacking.”

“I haven’t. It feels really wonderful if you do it right.”

I wanted to tease him and to make him jealous, but he was such a friend that he was happy with me and not envious of anything I was able to do that he wasn’t capable of.

“But I’m much too tired to try to concentrate now... especially not when you’re sitting near me and eating my cock with your eyes.”

I grabbed his chin and moved him closer to me.

Suddenly he reached out and with both hands he teased my flanks by moving his fingers over them.

“No, Gojyo, NO!!”

I hated it when he tickled me... mostly because I couldn’t defend myself from his attacks; he was stronger and most of the time he was also quicker than me…

“AAAAHH… no…” I laughed, “GOJYO!!”

He was grinning like mad and he enjoyed it so much to see me in such a situation of helplessness. I tried to catch his arms through the jerks of my laughter but he was too skilled and didn’t let himself be caught. I was twisting in his grip and tears started rolling down my cheeks as I felt my stomach ache from the torment.

“Nooo!!”

I rocked forward to let myself fall back down with full force to try to escape his hands, but as I touched the mattress I felt another shove and in a second Gojyo was lying on top of me, totally perplexed. The bed must have broken under our weight, because now we were sitting on the floor with the mattress, sheets and some pillows. We were looking at each other in bafflement and burst out in laughter in unison.

“Sanzo, you barbarian!! The bed’s broken!”

Gojyo was lying on the floor, holding his belly and violently shaking with laughter.

After 5 minutes of constant laughter we were getting short of air and Gojyo’s face was red just like mine must have been because he looked at me and had to smile again. I turned to examine the bed.

“Shit... it’s really broken. Where shall we sleep now?”

“In the pond.”

He was gurgling and after the words had reached my brain I became the victim of another fit of laughter. I had to force myself to calm down because I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“No… really… in the pond… Gojyo...” I looked at him; he was sitting on the floor, his hair a mess. “You broke the bed, Gojyo!”

“What?” He smiled and yelled at me, ”ME?! No chance of accusing me of ruining the bed Sanzo… you broke it.”

“Because you were tickling me!”

Yes, I had to defend myself.

His eyes became narrow slits… he came crawling towards me like a panther. “Yes… I was tickling you… you piece of shit.”

He caught my chin in a violent grip and bit my throat.

The door slammed open.

“Excuse me, but what are you doing in here?”

Hakkai had put his head through the door slit and looked at us.

“I don’t have a problem with your screams and shouts but what on earth are you doing?”

Hakkai. He had told us that he wouldn’t be available for some days because he was writing a script or a book or I don’t know what. It was true; we were always screaming like we were dying when we had sex but that didn’t bother him. I suppose he was also jacking off in the other room, encouraged by our cries…
Hakkai was a silent pervert.

Now Gojyo tried to explain.

“Erm… we broke the bed.”

Hakkai’s smile appeared on his face again, “You did what?”

“The - bed - is - broken. You got me?”

I was amused by the situation.

“And where do you want to sleep now?” He was looking at both of us seriously and I felt like pulling his leg.

“In the pond.”

Gojyo couldn’t hold back the laughter. “Yeah… right, Hakkai…in the pond…”

“Yare yare… do what you please, you two.” And he disappeared.

Now I had an idea. Damn, but it was good.

“What if we asked him to let us sleep in his room?”

Gojyo, whose brain worked in the same way as mine did, agreed on that immediately. So we chased after Hakkai to ask him about it.

He eyed us suspiciously and finally opened the door a bit further. I didn’t believe it that he really let us in. The first thing that caught my eyes was the writing desk, which was full of things like paper, pencils and books. The windows were covered with blinds and the room was bathed in a warm light, which was coming from a candle on the table and from another candle in the middle of the room that one would have to be very careful not to run into.

“You can sleep in my bed. I don’t think you have any problems with sleeping together in one bed, do you?”

By now Gojyo had also entered the room.

“No. Thank you,” and he kissed Hakkai on the lips, which made Hakkai go stiff and stare at Gojyo’s back as he was heading for the bed. On the way to the sleeping corner he took my hand and pulled me with him. It wasn’t really a bed; Hakkai just called it that. Actually there was just a thin mattress on the floor with sheets and a lot of pillows on it. Hakkai hat sat down again and prepared to continue to write.

“I hope we don’t bother you.”

Hakkai turned around to smile at me. “Oh no, I am used to your noise, don’t worry about that. Just behave as you normally would if it were your own room.”

Gojyo pulled me down to sit in his lap and we watched Hakkai while he was scribbling on the paper. I think I could have sat there forever. Now he was whispering into my ear.

“I have to mend the blinds in our room… it’s so nice here.”

“Yes indeed… very romantic”

He kissed my neck and lay down on the blue sheets. Blue. I really didn’t credit Hakkai with sleeping on blue sheets… they weren’t that bad but I still liked our black ones better. We watched Hakkai while he was writing like mad, from time to time looking up and thinking hard about something and then writing again. After 15 minutes Gojyo got up and left the room. I stared at him and the last thing I saw was his smile, which didn’t mean any good for me.

I wasn’t ready for another attack from him, which he surely was going to start whenever he came back. And he came back much too soon; I would have liked to sit there a bit longer in peace. A black little plastic bag was dangling from his hand and he sat down again. I watched him in anticipation and when he pushed me onto the pillows I knew that my time had come again.

“Gojyo… don’t you think-”

“No, I don’t think so.”

He put down the bag so that I couldn’t see it from my position and even Hakkai turned around to look at him curiously.
I was startled by his sudden action; he had shoved something up my ass. With a quizzical mien I looked at him.

“What was that?”

He smiled. “It’ll take you some time to find out. Keep sitting there and I bet you’ll enjoy it.”

I leaned back, irritated by his words, and decided to wait without any further questions. He must have had a reason for not telling me about it and I respected that. I didn’t have a choice anyway. Hakkai turned around to pretend to write but I could swear that he was as curious as I was.

One minute had passed… two minutes… Hakkai had a beautiful clock in his room; it seemed very old, like an antique. It was an immensely huge pendulum clock which sent a constant ‘click….clack’ into the room, but I loved that sound, it was a dull beat as low as a bass.

Three minutes had already passed and nothing had happened. After a worried glance at Gojyo I stared at the floor.

-He knows what he‘s doing, don‘t worry.-

Almost four minutes… I wondered what Hakkai was thinking about; instead of writing he was staring out the window, out the narrow slit between the blinds and the window sill, which showed him some tree trunks, but nothing really interesting.

I clenched the pillows and swallowed hard when I felt a sudden heat spreading in my ass. I shifted a bit and rubbed my skin against the sheets. Gojyo noticed that and turned his head to grin at me.

“How does it feel?”

Every second the heat got more intense until I finally felt a really sharp pain and an unbearable heat and then a strange chill attacking my muscles in turns. I think it was so hot that I mistook the heat for coolness, like you sometimes feel cold when you wash your hands with burning hot water. I had never felt such discomfort.

“What did you do?”

I was panting heavily and everything in me was concentrating on that center of pain. Hakkai was staring at me and then he turned his gaze on Gojyo, who was licking my cheek while I was talking. Now he stopped for a moment.

“It’s called ‘figging’,” he whispered into my ear so that only I was able to hear it.

“Never heard of it….haah!”

The pain was so intense that I was opening and shutting my mouth without saying anything, I was gasping for air like a fish on land… Besides it was really strange… the stronger the pain got the more I felt the urge to vomit. First I was forced to barf in a half-assed way but after a moment I was already forced to puke all over the sheets…

That was a totally new sensation, even more odd than getting fistfucked because I became so very aware of my body. That little spot, which was burning like some caustic potash had cauterized my skin, was getting really troublesome and it seemed like I wasn‘t able to clench the muscle of my asshole anymore. I panicked.

“Gojyo!! Pull that out, it‘s…it‘s…“ I shouted tearfully.

I tried to shove a finger inside my ass to take it out but Gojyo prevented me from doing that by gripping my hands. I looked up at him in agony.

“It‘s called figging but I used some ginger. Fresh ginger.“

I heard Hakkai gasping in shock.

The pain was still spreading and my cock had decided to find that nice so I couldn’t do anything against it; it was such an intensive feeling that the tip of my dick was already pressed against my belly. I didn’t want Hakkai to see me like that, all hot and ready to do everything Gojyo told me to do.

It was inevitable; I was panting and groaning so I put a hand over my mouth to stop myself from doing that but Gojyo pulled it away, so I bit my lip instead. I attempted to turn around to hide my twitching cock from Hakkai but Gojyo didn’t let me move. He kissed me and I moaned into his mouth.

Hakkai was staring at us, obviously in a fight with his mind, probably asking himself whether he should turn around and pretend not to hear or see anything or just continue to enjoy the unique show he was so lucky to see. Of course his second choice had its way and he peered at me with green narrow eyes. I didn’t like that gaze; I felt embarrassed because I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me with that thing in my ass… and I didn’t want that reserved, dirty swine to stare at me when I was hard.

“Gojyo please... let go of me...”

Now I was forced to bend down and moan loudly and uncontrollably; the pain was still present and, gasping, I tried to clench and unclench my ass. Gojyo made me lay on my back and firmly pushed my head against the pillows. My cock and ass had become the center of their attention. With some effort I raised my hands and put them on my cock to hide it from their eyes but Gojyo, sheepishly grinning, grabbed them again and held them over my head.

“No… I don’t like this… please stop it, I‘m serious... pull it out, it hurts too much!!”

The situation got out of control. I was racked with pain because I wasn’t used to that new type of torture and it made me sick and I was fed up with it, especially because they were watching me and enjoying it with such pleasure. But I wasn’t successful at all.

Hakkai still had his eyes fixed on my cock and with a hungry gaze he licked his lips…

“Can you make him beg?”

What a sick bastard he was… he had always pretended to be innocent and unconcerned but now he was showing me his true self, which was full of sick thoughts and vulgarity.

“Can you make him beg” - What the hell was I for them? A thing, which they could easily turn on and off ad libitum? And Gojyo even listened to him and did what he told him to... damn him… he deeply enjoyed my real despair. I couldn’t believe what happened now: Gojyo took hold of my knees and spread them apart so that Hakkai could clearly see my ass and cock. Seconds before that he had tied my hands together with the piece of white cloth that Hakkai used as a kind of a toga. Nevertheless I tried to put my legs together to block their view but Gojyo immediately seized my throat so that I had to cough.

“I… can’t take it anymore… Gojyo...”

I didn’t want to please them with my pleas and supplications but they wouldn’t release me until they were satisfied.
Once again I attempted to close the distance between my legs but he pitilessly squeezed again, and then I saw their delighted faces, which were focused on my cock. I tried to get it into view and I whined at the sight of the pre-cum that was dripping from that goddamn thing. I started crying and finally I gave them what they wanted.

“Please, I’m begging you, please let me go!”

I was sobbing and my ass was numb from the permanent irritation. Why, Gojyo? Why had he decided to ignore me and to amuse himself with Hakkai at my expense? I was suffering, I was really suffering… forget about the sadomasochism, I was being tortured relentlessly for their pleasure.

By now my flesh was so sore that it felt like somebody had scraped off my skin there. It felt like my mucosa had swollen to the thickness of a few centimetres and my asshole must have been the size of a champagne glass. They started laughing, making fun of me and I started thrashing and screaming and shouting, insulting them. They just doubled their laughter and I hissed when I felt my orgasm near. I tensed up and hoped that my body wouldn’t be that silly as to give in and cause a new wave of laughter from them. But it was that silly. I ground my teeth when I came; I didn’t want to make a sound, it was already bad enough. As always, I couldn’t resist jerking and spasmodically turned my head to hide my shame and embarrassment.

I felt cum hitting my face and trickling down on my belly and I was one picture of wretchedness; I convulsed in pain while weeping bitterly. While I was still spilling my seed on the bed Gojyo reached down and almost shoved his whole hand into my numb ass to pull out the fig. It didn’t feel any different from before when that thing had still been irritating my sensitive skin. I tried to kick him but unfortunately I hadn’t aimed well so I just hit air… Every moment brought more discredit on me and now I turned around to lie on my belly until the annoying spasms of my orgasm had stopped. I felt Gojyo untie my hands but I didn’t dare look him in the eyes, I just wanted to lie there like that forever.

To my regret forever didn’t last longer than a few minutes, when I had fallen asleep.

----------------

Hakkai had still been writing when Gojyo yawned and closed his eyes as well. When he heard the two snoring, he turned around to look at them. Gojyo had spread his arms and legs out on the mattress and Sanzo was lying at his right side, his head turned towards Gojyo and his hands firmly pressed to his own chest. He had to admit that they were really cute when they were sleeping. Many people looked nice when they were sleeping but that couple beat them all in looking sweet.

Gojyo and Sanzo… The first time he had seen their encounter he had thought that they would fight each other until death. They were so different in both taste and preference. However, by now they had accommodated themselves and were a perfect match. As he watched, Sanzo sighed and moved closer to Gojyo to stick his nose into his ribcage.

He would die for the chance to lie down with them, to lie between those perfect bodies, those characters that were able to draw from each other the kinkiest cries he had ever heard. He didn’t want to watch them from a distance anymore; he wanted to feel their skin against his own. But there was Kanaan. But Kanaan was a woman, and he had given up any longing for her a long time ago. She was dead and she was his sister and damn her. She had never been able to make him that hard just from staring at her. Gojyo and Sanzo really drew the breath from him.

Quickly, he took off his pants and shirt and carefully stepped onto the mattress. He didn’t want to wake them. For some minutes he debated whether he should try to lie down there now, or leave the room and take a cold shower in their room. Suddenly Gojyo inhaled loudly and nuzzled against the pillows.

“Shit, will you lie down already Hakkai?! Soothe your conscience, shut up and lie down here, it’s cold.”

He would have jumped at the sudden intrusion of Gojyo’s words, but instead he contented himself with nearly suffering from a heart attack. Finally he attempted to lie down and Gojyo moved away from Sanzo to let Hakkai fill the space between them. Hakkai didn’t really know what to do now, but the half-breed had already put an arm round his chest. With a voice filled with drowsiness Gojyo murmured, “I hope you don’t mind, Sanzo...”

There was no answer.

While Sanzo had moved to bury his face in his hair, maybe because he had mistaken it for the kappa‘s, Gojyo’s hand trailed down to slide between his thighs, which he held firmly closed. He blushed and tried to grab the hand that was groping him where he didn’t want to be touched at this time. He heard Gojyo chuckling and he barely managed to suppress a shriek when he felt him squeezing his balls.

Now Sanzo raised his voice, tired and sad, “Gojyo... what… what are you doing there...?”

“I’m comforting him, don’t worry.”

Desperately, Hakkai tried to sit up but the kappa prevented him from escaping and shoved him back onto the pillows.
Again he felt his hand on his skin but much slower now, and it calmed him down. He risked closing his eyes and when nothing happened, he relaxed.

Some minutes later they all had fallen asleep in the dim light of the candle, which was slowly burning out.

-------------------


What’s happiness?

Well, Sanzo would have said that happiness was a warm gun. And Gojyo would have found his happiness in slavery.

And Hakkai….

…Hakkai had already found it.

He didn’t dare open his eyes; the sensation felt much too good. He couldn’t tell which hands belonged to whom; he was content with feeling them on his body and the humming voices on either side of him.


-------------------


It was still dark when I woke up. Where the hell was I? And what the hell had happened before? And why the hell was my ass burning like an ant-heap in trouble? I clenched my fingers to get an idea of the thing I was lying on.

Suddenly the dark shadow in front of me moved and the next second I saw a face. It freaked me out so much that these weren’t the familiar features of Gojyo that I sat up in shock. At least I tried to sit up, but it hurt too much. I felt a stabbing pain in my ass so I knelt down. I looked around the room. The candle in the middle of the room wasn’t burning any more and I heard a loud noise from outside; a pretty strong wind, likely a typhoon, was whipping the rain against the walls of the house.

In the middle of that roaring darkness Gojyo was sitting on the swivel chair, motionlessly, his hands lying on his thighs and his eyes hidden by his red hair, which was nearly glowing in the dark. Now, when I had seen his face, I remembered about the scene from before… it was horrible, so I tried to forget about it. He raised his head slightly but then remained in that posture.

“Everything’s alright, Sanzo... it’s just Hakkai.”

He sounded strange… like someone who was smiling but thinking about things other than those he was speaking of… the way he was speaking he sounded lazy and indifferent. His voice was a monotonous stream of letters.

Despite my antipathy to him, I got up and crossed the room and sat down on the floor at his side. Like the hostage comes to love his abductor, I wasn’t able to be angry with him... one of the phenomena I disliked.

“Is something… wrong, Gojyo?” I sounded weak, the words got stuck in my throat.

He didn’t move.

“What’s happiness, Sanzo...”

Happiness…

Happiness was surely not what I was feeling at the moment.

Happiness was an illusion, created by the things you loved.

Happiness was the drug that caused you sleepless nights and bright days, it made you drunk with ecstasy and when the effects of that drug started to fade you would suffer from sadness twice as hard. Reality meant pain.

-Never call someone happy until he’s dead.-

One of my many dogmas. I couldn’t tell him that. I knew him very well; just like me he sometimes fell into those holes of darkness. And that was when the drug had been used up.

“Happiness is not real…” -…but our love is.- That was what I probably would have told him yesterday... or some hours ago... I didn’t know how much time had passed since I had fallen asleep.

Hakkai sighed and after a brief glance at him I looked up at Gojyo.

“Well, look at Hakkai. THAT’S happiness.”

A weak smile appeared on my face but it quickly faded. I didn’t really know how to treat him after that incident. I couldn’t change my demeanour although I tried really hard, but I was reserved to the point where I even had to force myself to smile. As soon as I thought about him a bad taste was left behind… It was like we had nothing to talk about. I couldn’t find any suitable words and I couldn’t concentrate on the subject enough to give him a good response.

Lazily he turned his gaze on me. “That’s his happiness, I can’t ask him to give it to me.”

Whenever I had found a very good argument, he destroyed my hope with another quote of hopelessness. It became even more difficult to find some nice words now. Happiness… what comes to your mind if you think about that word?

Happiness is a subjective thing. And I couldn’t tell him my interpretation of happiness. Because I didn’t have any. I felt happy when he was nearly killing me by shoving his cock up my ass and I felt good when I knew that he was lying beside me, intent on protecting me and forcing me to be with him. But was that really happiness that I felt? Just feeling good didn’t mean that that feeling could be called happiness.

The senses can always mislead you and the simplest example for that is the one with the chocolate: if you eat enough of that shit you will feel happy. You didn’t need to have a lover nor did you need to watch a good film to feel happy. You just had to eat a lot of chocolate. Anyway, we were poor creatures that had forgotten how to see the good things in life.
Influenced by our surroundings, we weren’t even able to live our lives in their true forms.

Maybe I would have been a tyrant if I hadn’t met Gojyo, who had tamed me and influenced me so much that I had changed my behaviour because of him. I would have never accepted him making me tame but he had done it in such a clever way that I had slowly turned from a relentless badass into a loving sheep without realizing anything. At least that poor sheep still had its teeth to bite. Maybe I had to provoke him to make him realize that he was happy with me.

“Aren’t you happy when you know that…”, I had to swallow to allow myself a moment to prepare for my next words, “…aren’t you happy when you know that you are loved?”

He turned his gaze on me with a slack movement.

“Am I loved?”

My smile faded in a fraction of a second and I felt like someone had stabbed me with a burning hot sword. I didn’t know what to say and my brain didn’t work anymore after that question. Somehow I had the feeling that he doubted my love for him. It was true that my love for him was cracked after that scene earlier tonight, but after some time I would have overcome that trauma, just like I used to overcome everything, and my love would have grown again… but now... after that sentence... he made me really angry. And he sounded like I had left him, maybe because I had forgotten about him or heaven knows what else. There was no way he could speak me of neglecting him; he was the center of my world and I had turned from the self-centered idiot into the next level of being a Gojyo-centered idiot.

From time to time I even drove to the little city, which was miles away from our house in the woods, just to buy him flowers and other things that I was sure he liked. Every day was a peculiarity in our life, and even if we were doing nothing but hanging around together in the house for the whole day I felt really pleased in the evening. It was a matter of course that I loved him, so how could he blame me for neglecting him? And by the way, what had made him that unsure about it? I loved him to no ends and I told him that every night when we went to bed.

“What the hell makes you think that I don’t love you?! Just what…”

I felt offended by him now; it seemed like he didn’t know what he was saying… he didn’t know anything about my permanent tension and that I always had to concentrate on not talking to him in that bad way I used to when I had first met him. I’d curse him, I’d hit him and I would threaten to give him a new piercing for his forehead. He didn’t know how many things I had given up to live with him in silent agreement.

Some time ago I had been a victim of the bad habit of getting up in the middle of the night to have a smoke. Nowadays I couldn’t do that because I would wake him if I got up to fetch my cigarettes. I had been used to watching the films I liked, but now we took turns choosing what film we would watch. Besides that I used to take hot baths whenever I felt spent but nowadays… I was even more spent after bathing. Guess why.
Though I had to admit that I liked it very much when he would hold me in the night when I couldn’t sleep. There existed a lot of positive side effects, too.

But it couldn’t be that he didn’t know what I had given up just for him… when I had been younger I had sworn to live my life for myself and not to listen to anybody who told me to do this and that, but then he had appeared in my life and from that time on reason has constantly died down. I got angry thinking about the sacrifices I had been forced to accept and I wanted him to know about it. So many days when I felt bliss from only looking at him… had they just been an illusion? My vision became blurred as I held back the tears.

I was so upset that I jumped up and bent down to shout at him, “NO, you goddamn asshole, I fucking despise you!!”

And I was so out of control that I raised my arm to smack him. It was a spontaneous action and I would have thought twice about it if I had had time to think. Shortly before my hit would have contacted his face, his hand shot up and caught me by my wrist. With eyes so full of remorse that I felt my stomach twitch, and with silent anger, he looked at me.

“You have no right to do that. You aren’t any better than me, Sanzo.”

“At least I try!!”

Violently I shook off his hand and left the room and I don’t know what Gojyo did then. I stepped into my room and furiously kicked away my sandals, which were lying on the floor. They collided with the lamp on my nightstand and it fell down on the floor, where it broke into thousand pieces. It was an old lamp from the Ming dynasty or something; I had never cared about details like that... I just liked it because it was beautiful and because it gave off a warm light, not because it was probably pretty expensive. But at the moment I didn’t regret kicking my sandals.

Thousands of pieces of white porcelain and glass were shimmering in the light of the weak midday sun, which was hidden by heavy, grey clouds… that wasn’t a lamp anymore, that was my soul that was scattered on the floor…
I heard it crackle under my bare feet as I took the lighter and cigarettes from the bed, and I think the glass was cutting into my flesh but I didn’t really feel any pain.

I went to the window and lit my smoke and after a few seconds I sat down there in my favorite place. Now I noticed the bloody track I had left there on the floor and was wondering why it didn’t hurt. Psychical pain maybe suppressed the physical pain and also the other way round... I had always felt pleased when I cut my forearm to distract myself from my mental pain.

It felt good to smoke there in silence; I couldn’t remember the last time I had had a smoke all alone. As long as I could remember, I had always smoked with him and his awful cigarettes. While staring into the dense fog outside the window, I abandoned the idea of Gojyo being jealous of Hakkai because of anything I wasn’t aware of or didn’t know about. Maybe he believed that I had let him fall because he had started to get boring for me. He couldn’t be that foolish. No way.

Happiness didn’t exist at all. Not with our sense of reason, because reason and emotion didn’t go well with each other.
Either you could use your brain or just believe in your feelings, but you couldn’t listen to both voices in your head. The result of that was speaking for itself; although I loved him, my mind told me to hate him for that scene with Hakkai during the night and I hated him for forcing me to give up so many beloved things… at the moment I didn’t know which one was right. That little question about him had shattered me to the core; it was like a flood of disappointment and despair and I began to question myself, the things I believed in and what I was doing.

My God, my God who had offered himself for me to believe in if I didn’t have anything else to believe in, had trampled on my feelings like I was a complete stranger to him.

He used me for his illusion; he used me as his drug to feel the happiness he loved. And I always thought that it was me who had used him. I was crying in silence with the smoke burning down in my hand. Tiredness was making it hard to sit straight but I wanted to remain awake for the night. Sometimes I just loved to wake up in the morning with a feeling like I had slept on a piece of wood with needles on it. I loved to see those dark rings under my eyes and I loved to see my face in a total mess. If nobody bothered to hurt me, then I had to lay hands upon myself. Somehow it turned me on in quite an odd way to walk around like a zombie, tired and weak… and I was in the mood for that game. It made one’s days more interesting. I didn’t know what to do for the rest of the day so I decided to keep sitting there until the world came to an end.

Unfortunately it didn’t end just because Genjyo Sanzo wanted it to end.

Maybe I had to help it a bit. My gaze trailed off again and I saw the broken pieces of the glass blinking in the sun, which was preparing to die just so it could set again the next day. Like nothing had happened.

How could I have been so naïve as to believe that I loved him? My body told me that I loved him but my mind was still not sure about that. I couldn’t even say that I had wasted time on living with him because my whole life was a waste. A waste of intelligence and a waste of natural resources like every other human being. When we are dead decay will start and everybody rots down to the bones and nothing more than dust will be left of us. Such a waste. And it doesn’t really matter whether you die at the age of 20 or at the age of 60; not when everything you believed in was the result of an illusion.

By the time I realized I was running out of cigarettes, there were only two left. From the day you are born decay starts and your whole life is just a journey to fulfil that process. It doesn’t really matter how you use the time you have been given; at a certain moment your heart will stop beating, no matter whether you kissed or beat someone before that. Death is the same for everybody. There’s no difference between a man of honour and a prisoner, everybody dies in the same way.

I hadn’t even taken two drags from my cigarette and it had already burned down... damn.

And we are alone. So alone.

Everybody has to die for himself, nobody will help or accompany us. But we won’t be more alone at death than we were in life because we have always been alone; it was “you” who existed and not “you and that person there”.

I didn’t fear death. I wished to die. He had left me. At this thought I felt my stomach twist. Our relationship had been like a house by the sea; built with hard labour and then after some years a storm came and finally destroyed it with ease and all the work had been a complete waste. Hard work... so easily blown away by a little wind… The storm outside had become stronger and was howling and maybe even crying. I wanted to leave the security of my room and stand in the center of that thunderstorm to get struck by lightning. My eyes were burning from tiredness and from rubbing them and a new wave of agony made me tremble and shake. I heard someone knocking on my door... it was Hakkai.

“Sanzo!”

Again some knocks.

“Sanzo! Would you open the door?”

Sure. And then I would embrace him and tell him that everything was fine.

“Fuck off!”

He wasn’t worth the words. Not even the air. I was embarrassed how weak I had sounded, how much sadness he could hear in my words.

“Sanzo... please open the door, I would like to talk to you...,” and in a lower voice he continued, “It‘s just me, Gojyo’s in my room.”

He wouldn’t stop shouting behind that door so I got up to open it a few centimetres. On the other side of the door I saw him, smiling like a hypocritical snake. He attempted to open the door a bit further to be able to step in but I pushed forward with force and glared at him.

“What do you want from me?”

“Well…Gojyo… I’m sure he didn’t mean his question the way you interpreted it.”

“So you know the true meaning?”

I was so sick of him and his behaviour; it pissed me off to no ends when Hakkai started playing the wise mother and father in one person, giving us some good advice. His smile got even brighter. And Gods I wanted to crush his skull under my feet.

“No, but I’m sure it would help if you went to see him and talk about it.”

“ME? I. Should go. To HIM. To talk about that?? You sick, hypocritical psychopath, now sod off!!“

I slammed the door shut and kicked it. They were behaving like nothing had happened, they didn’t ask me how I was and whether it still hurt… nothing… they didn’t care about me… not even Gojyo had come to ask me whether I was alright… not even him. I began hitting the dark wood until my knuckles were red from the blood that was seeping from the wounds around the shattered bones. I sank to the floor, shaking from crying and sighing, and dug my nails into my cheek, scratched until I felt sore there.

It wasn’t worth it. Nothing was worth anything. All the tension built up over a long time spent living with him broke through the surface now and erupted like a volcano… I started shouting and screaming in a sudden attack and I didn’t care whether they heard me or not… anyhow I was said not to be entirely sane so it didn’t matter at all.

I screamed for God’s sake and for all the angels and devils who would hear me. All my desperate cries, just the sound of a poor human being to amuse them; I was sure they were laughing their asses off from listening to my pleas and curses. They all had a sick sense of humour.
They were playing chess with us because heaven was a lonely, boring place… and now it was my turn as a rook to get defeated by the knight.

When my lungs were already burning and my head was feeling light, my cries slowly died in the silence of the fading sun. It was a beautiful scene to watch; there was the golden and red ball, fading beyond the horizon, the top of it cut off by the dark clouds, and there was the storm trying to destroy everything on which the sun still shone in her death fight.

I felt miserable and was so tired now that I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer, so I looked for a comfortable posture on the floor and fixed the dark ceiling with my gaze. Whenever I didn’t know anymore what to do I tried meditating and in most of the cases it really helped me to find a solution to my problems.
This time it didn’t help at all. I was lying there in silence, listening to the strong wind outside, concentrating on not thinking about anything and after some time my concentration became useless; the room had blurred and melted into one single shade of darkness and I had gotten one step closer to that peaceful nothing, to Nirvana, as they called it. I would have stayed there forever if I were able to.

After a few hours I nearly fell asleep there on the dirty floor. It was impossible to remain awake for the whole night, so I quickly got up and stumbled to the windowsill before my brain could realize that I had gotten up too quickly and therefore send me back down on the floor. I let myself fall on that little bench and with pain I realized that my ass was still sore. I was forced to remember the scene again and again, my wrecked mind wouldn’t leave me alone with myself... and every time they started laughing I felt so sick from pure humiliation that I wanted to bury my head in the loo.

But it didn’t matter, the next moment I had fallen asleep.

---------------------

Although I had found some sleep I still got what I deserved; in the morning I woke up with an aching neck and back.
I moaned because I already felt so sick that I feared I would throw up my guts if I didn’t hurry to get some food down my throat. But I was quite used to that feeling because I always felt sick when I had only slept about three hours in a night.

I stiffly turned around to get my feet on the ground to stand up and the first thing my body urged me to do was to stretch, which made me yawn in discomfort. Every movement hurt, everything in my body called on me to sit down again but pain and nausea were a bad mix so I had to drag myself to the kitchen to get something edible.

The lock of my door clicked and I wandered to the living room and further into the kitchen. Gojyo was sitting at the left side of my door, his head bent down, obviously still asleep. I didn’t bother to look at him twice. I went to the fridge to rummage through the stuff in there and when I had found something acceptable I shut the fridge with a loud bang. I started to turn around slowly to get back to my room and I jerked in surprise when I was forced to look into red circles with a black hole in the middle of them.

After some seconds I noticed that my fingers were wet from the milk I had spilt on them, so I looked down to escape his capturing gaze. My chest was speckled with little drops of milk just as his was. He couldn’t let go of me... first he rejected me and then he came back to sit down in front of my door so as not to be far off from me. On the one hand I would have licked his chest to clean him from the white, transparent fluid, but on the other hand I felt so hurt that I couldn’t look him in the eyes for a second time.

The game was over, he had ended it and he couldn’t start it that easily again. He had shattered my trust and dashed my hopes. I had to admit that he had been the love of my life but in the end everybody still let me fall and I was alone again.
He had not said much but he had put all his feelings into that question and I had learnt to understand the real meaning of his words through all the time we had been living together. He had killed me with his response. I swallowed and pushed him away, in my mind as well as in reality.

----------------------------

Sanzo… Sanzo.... Sanzo……… Sanzo……… Sanzo…

My eyes flew open and at first I had to push away the red strands of my hair just to make out what I was seeing. That something was shimmering in front of me. I followed the light to its source and what I saw there made me grind my teeth and my heartbeat sped up.

Golden hair, showing his unbroken golden pride, caressing his pale shoulders…

A desire so strong that I was up in a second and therefore seeing stars in my vision had caught me and I walked towards him. I only would have had to reach out to feel his velvet skin but I didn’t dare touch him at the moment. Now he turned around and I couldn’t do anything except stand there idiotically and wait for him to turn his purple moons on me. Dark moons illuminated by brother sun, which had to reach his sister with his rays to make her shine…

He jerked when he saw me and he was staring at me in surprise for a few seconds. But what the hell had happened to him? The right side of his face was swollen and covered with coppery lines and… those dark rings under his eyes… they made him look like a corpse.

He looked down and after a few more seconds he firmly pushed me away to allow himself to go back to his room. Then he put the milk packet on the table, took out a cigarette, lit it up and crushed the empty pack. It had been his last smoke.

Slowly, with careful steps, he passed me and headed for his room.

Headed for it like someone who was tired of his life and was just searching for a place to die.

It was his last smoke.

Please rewind my life.