Too much love kills

Part III


After the concert I met with Sakuma-san again. I knew his leaving the next day, so I wanted this night to be even better than the last one. So did he. When he offered me cocaine I hesitated. I was aware of the risk, but on the other hand I couldn't say "no" to the god, so I took it. Blood came out of my nose, and I panicked, but Ryuichi calmed me down saying that's nothing serious. He started kissing me, and I stopped worrying. Or maybe it was because of cocaine? It didn't matter. The feeling of ultimate joy overtook me. Next thing I remember I had my face pressed into the mattress, and Ryuichi was fucking me from behind, hard. I didn't scream this time, but I moaned. I came very quickly, but he continued the banging. I laid there motionless, with my ass high in the air, letting him do whatever he wanted. When he shot his load inside me I nearly came again.

He woke me up early in the morning. I knew he couldn't stay in this town any longer, he has other concerts to play.

"I'm sorry Subaru-chan, but you have to go now. If I'm late K-san will kill Kumagoro and me."

"Will we meet again?"

Ryuichi watched me for a moment, thinking.

"You can give me your phone number." He announced after awhile.

I wrote the number on my ticket and gave it to him. He kissed me goodbye, and I thought I'm gonna melt.

"I'll be waiting." This was the last thing I said before I left.

~~~~

For a first few weeks I woke up everyday hoping that this time he'll call. After a few next months I started having bad feelings. I came to the conclusion that he had lost my number. It had never crossed my mind that he might just forget or throw it away like a trash. I guess I was too immature to think that way.

After three years I lost hope that I'll see Ryuichi Sakuma-san ever again. My life changed. I wasn't a child anymore, I finished High School, and returned to Japan. There I went to college, and everything was boring, and normal again until I heard in news that Ryuichi Sakuma returned from USA. I felt the sudden urge to see him. I had too. Maybe he had really lost my number? Maybe he waited for me, the same way I waited for him?

It wasn't easy to get to NG records. I explained many times that I know Sakuma-san, and that I need to see him. I guess it took me ten minutes to convince the bodyguard so he could bring me to my god. Finally I saw Sakuma-san. My heart started beating faster, and I felt as light as a feather.

"He said he knows you, and that he needs to see you." The bodyguard explained.

Ryuichi watched me closely, and after a moment he just said:

"I have no idea who he is."

And then he just left.

I froze, I was shocked, I couldn't fucking believe that's for real. He didn't recognized me. The bastard didn't even know who I was. He didn't care. He didn't fucking care. I had let him use me, like a whore, like a sex toy. For all that time I thought he had feelings for me. How could I be so stupid?

I remember that I cried. I hated myself for what I had done, and I hated him. Now I realized why K had been furious. He'd known it would end like that, he'd known for all that time. Probably I wasn't the first, and wasn't the last fan used by Sakuma-san like that. How could I ever think that I know him so well that I could trust him?

I became depressed and miserable, my life lost sense, and who knows what might have happened if I didn't meet him. Hidano was a few years older than me, and he finished the same college I went to. He was also more experienced than me. It may sound weird, but since the night with Sakuma-san I hadn't slept with anyone else. I was so madly in love with Ryuichi-sama that I couldn't give my body to other person. I'd waited for him like a virgin for her prince until Hidano came to my life. I stopped thinking about Sakuma-san, and I was happy again. But it seems there was a curse which wouldn't let the happiness last long.

~~~~

It's hard to say why I decided to do the testing. I slept only with two people so the probability I had caught something was very low. However Hidano was tested regularly, so I decided to do it with him, just to feel safe. I was surprised when the doctor told me to come to the clinic. When she called Hidano, she just said his result was negative. But I guessed that it was because I'd done it for the first time so I went there without fear.

"Please, do sit down." The doctor told me calmly, and I took the seat. "I have your test results, Yamato-san..." She started uneasily. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but... I'm afraid you have HIV."

I looked at her dumbfounded. What kind of sick joke was it?

"No, it must be mistake. I have hardly any experience. It's impossible."

"One person is enough to infect you, Yamato-san."

"It can't be! I refuse to accept it! I can't..."

"Please, calm down. I know it's hard for you, but with a proper treatment you can have a normal life for many years."

I didn't listen to her. Everything seemed surrealistic, everything seemed like a dream. I was nineteen, I slept only with two guys, and I had HIV. Why me? So fucking not fair. Did God hate me? Did I do something wrong? Hidano was clean so that meant that it had to be... It was all his fault. It was all Ryuichi's fault. Because of him my world fell apart. Ryuichi Sakuma had been my idol, now he became my enemy.


tbc