Walking Wounded

The scene I saw in a musical that inspired this was Kenken (Shishido) went running at Juri (Akutsu) and jumped into his arms and Juri swung him around. Somehow that translated to a Shishido/Akutsu fic ...I don't know ...I really don't know.

CHAPTER 3

Heavy rock echoed through the dim bar, numbing the occupants with the heavy bass. Voices became one with the music, a part of the deafening sound; only when the music quieted did the world seem to catch up. Younger kids bounced around on the dance floor, hair and clothes a continuous blur of motion. Lights flashed and dimmed upon the people in the centre of the room, leaving the outskirts darkened for those who wanted to detach from the speed and motion of the fast-paced lives on the dance floor.

That night, Shishido became one of the ones keeping to the edge of the bar, hiding from the lights of the grouped seating area. Not even up for a game of pool, or for the advances of random singles looking for someone to go home with. Never raising an eye to the people around him; to the ones who took a seat next to him, or to the hands gently placed on his shoulders or back.

"Another shot!" He raised his glass to the bartender, clinking the melted ice together. The noise drowned in the heavy drumbeat of the music. Reddened eyes unfocused, blurry vision not even bothering to look for the bartender, just drunken instinct telling him that someone would be there if he lifted his glass.

During the silence between songs he heard a soft chuckle from the bartender, "I think you've had enough, son."

He slammed his glass down on the bar, angry at the sympathetic eyes cast down on him from the bartender. Angry that he was read as easily as an open book, angry that he couldn't change that fact. Fighting back tears he laid his head on his arm, the heat of his breath casting a line of fog across the cool wooden bar. He lost all energy at the sympathy of someone who didn't know him, couldn't even fight when the shot-glass was gently slipped from his hand.

"These might just be some crazy words from an old barkeep, but I've seen you in here many times now, and you always seem to be here after something sad happens. I don't think I've ever seen a real smile on your face since you've started coming here. Whatever happens to you shows in your eyes, Ryou. You regret what has taken place, and I think that instead of taking out your sadness in a bottle, you should show whomever you're upset with this side of you. Don't hide the fact that you're grieving, let them know that you're hurting too, otherwise how will they know that they're not the only one affected by whatever has passed?"

Shishido glanced up through his tangle of bangs in time to see the bartender shrug.

"Like I said, crazy words from an old barkeep," the man smiled before clearing away the tower of glasses before Shishido, wiping the bartop as he went.

With a frustrated sniff, Shishido wiped away the tears that trickled from his half-closed eyes. He hated when others saw what he couldn't; hated when they told him what he already knew, but couldn't change. He wanted to show Choutarou that their fights upset him, but when they were together, all he wanted to do was scream. He couldn't seem to find it in himself to cry, the only tears he could shed in front of Choutarou were the ones that came through with his rage. With another sniff he wiped his eyes across the sleeve of his shirt, starting when a familiar scent fell over him.

"Damn, you started early tonight, it's not even eleven and you're already piss-drunk!" Akutsu pulled a stool closer to him, long legs framing Shishido's stool as he sat down on his own. His normal mask of indifference had a small crease of worry, his eyes a shade softer.

"Lemme the fuck alone," Shishido drawled, turning his head away from Akutsu. Even though their relationship was strictly physical, he knew Akutsu was another who could read him perfectly. The last thing he wanted was another look of sympathy, especially from him.

"Oh boy, musta been bad this time ..." Akutsu rested his elbow on the bar, chin in his palm. His jean jacket pulled at the softer material of Shishido's shirt, making him aware of how close they were. Akutsu brushed his lips over Shishido's hair, "I think it's time to take you home, this isn't the place for you right now."

There was no place for him right now, especially not the place he wanted to be -- in Choutarou's arms, his heat pressing down on him, his scent over whelming him.

The threat of tears returned; Choutarou's soft smile replaced by the disgusting sneer of earlier that day, "fucking bastard ...I hate him ...he can damn well get a fucking whore knocked up for all I care! He'll make a nice gay daddy! Hope all his kids end up straight!" His voice wavering and cracking as the tears fell.

Akutsu frowned, even though Shishido was drunk --and usually was after every fight-- he never cursed his lover. Even though he hadn't fought with Dan that night, something twisted in his gut and made him seek out the dingy bar. He was glad for that, upon seeing the miserable state Shishido was in.

"Let's go," Akutsu stood, gently taking Shishido's elbow.

Pulling his arm roughly from Akutsu's grip Shishido cursed at him, "fuck you! I'm not going home! I don't wanna be alone!" He tilted slightly off to the side, forcing Akutsu to grab at his arm before he ended up on the floor.

"You idiot, I'm taking you home with me. There's no way I'm leaving you alone while you're like this!" He was suddenly glad that Shishido was probably too drunk to remember anything when he sobered up. Their relationship was strictly no-strings-attached, but somewhere along the line he had developed a soft spot for the spazzy brunette.

Eyes unfocused once again, Shishido allowed Akutsu to gently pull him from the stool. He leaned heavily against the others larger frame as he staggered and stumbled. The Bouncers chuckled and nodded to the two as they left, Shishido never usually left the bar completely incompacitated. The cold wind of late night hit Shishido like a harsh slap in the face, making him squeak in shock and shiver, trying to crawl into Akutsu's jacket.

"Dammit you, my truck is just over there! You're going to make me fall over!" Akutsu pushed Shishido out at arms length, the brunette's cheeks flushed from the alcohol and the wind, irises dark and rimmed in red.

"M'cold ..." Shishido mumbled, not releasing his hold on Akutsu's jacket. The events in the bar seemed to be pushed out of his memory, the alcohol hitting him harder now that he was moving about. Memories were now just hazzy background noises that his brain tried to cling to. "You fight too?"

Akutsu helped Shishido crawl into the front seat, holding his hips as the smaller male tried to wobble into the truck. "No, just had a bad feeling so I came looking for you."

"Oh ...okay ..." Shishido nodded to himself, "makes sence ...had a ba~ad fight with Ch'taro, think we finally broke up ...dunno though, don' remember much ...kinda blanked out cause I was so mad, y'know?"

Akutsu buckled Shishido's seat belt, that made sence. Their normal fights only counted towards a few drinks, it would have had to have been bad to get Shishido so drunk; and breaking up counted as really bad.

Climbing into the driver side, he cast a worried glance to his passenger who started to hum a sad tune. The red in his cheeks started to fade to white, and his shoulders slumped even more. Apparently the alcohol couldn't keep his memories away that well.

"If you're going to be sick, tell me right away, you're not puking in my truck," Akutsu fixed his own seatbelt, reaching over to take Shishido's chin to get his attention. He tilted the others face in his own direction, jaw tensing as he saw the tears in Shishido's eyes again.

"I heard you ..." Shishido answered softly.

Sad blue eyes reflected back at him as Shishido stared blankly out the passenger window, street lights high-lighting his face and momentarily reflecting the inside of the truck to him. More often than not he saw Akutsu watching him out of the corner of his eye, worry sharpening his light brown eyes. Choutarou's eyes were a darker brown, and when he was worried, they softened -- not narrowed like Akutsu's did. Shishido closed his eyes for a second, trying to get rid of the image of soft brown eyes staring back at him. His memory was hazy of their fight, but Choutarou's angry eyes were burned into his retina's. He didn't think he'd ever be able to forget the other side of Choutarou he saw; the anger, and hatred, and frustration he had never seen before. The anger, hatred, and frustration he never wanted to see directed at himself again. The love, admiration, and lust he would never see again.

"I'm gonna be sick ..."

He didn't remember getting back into the truck, or having Akutsu help him out of the vehicle and into the apartment building. He only remember in passing that he had made a comment that there were too many stairs. He didn't remember what Akutsu said to him, or even if he made a comment at all. What he did remember though, was the first time he and Choutaoru went out drinking and he had to be half-carried back into his apartment. That was the first time he was allowed to do what he wanted with Choutarou. In the hallway he found himself pinned under Choutarou's weight, felt the firmness of his boyfriends erection against his own. He was too drunk to realize what he could have done, and they only brought each other off by hand. The sticky wetness of Choutarou's cum on his hands, his own on Choutarou's. They never had many moments like that afterwards.

He staggered on the last step and broke down into tears. Akutsu jumped in shock as Shishido clawed at his chest, trying to stop himself from falling.

"That fucking bastard ...that fucking bastard," Shishido cried over and over, face burried in Akutsu's jacket.

"Come on Ryou, not in the hall, we're almost at my apartment, keep your self together," Akutsu hooked his arms under Shishido's and pulled him to his feet, the smaller teen sagging against him, unwilling or unable to support his own weight. Since Shishido hadn't grown much from Junior High, Jin was able to lift him and carry him to his apartment without much difficulty.

"Ryou, you have to stand on your own now, I gotta get my keys."

Shishido's knees trembled and threatened to buckle when he was placed back on his feet; he sagged against Akutsu's side. An arm was wrapped around his waist to support him as Akutsu continued to fish for his keys.

Shishido dimly registered the jingle of keys and the sound of the deadbolt sliding before Akutsu led him into the apartment. He was led to the closet where he could lean against the wall while his shoes and jacket were removed. Balancing on one foot for Akutsu to pull off his shoe was difficult, usually leaving him leaning heavily on Akutsu's back. This put Akutsu's face dangerously close to his crotch. The heat in Shishido's face returned and his eyes darkened. He moaned and reached out to Akutsu as the male moved away to remove his own shoes.

"You usually have me bent over by now ..." he purred.

The muscles in Akutsu's shoulders tensed, "you're drunk."

"So?" Shishido tilted his head, hair falling to conceal one eye. He ran one hand down his thigh, the other used to keep himself balanced against the wall, "I'm drunk and easy? What more could you ask for?" He spread his legs with a shuddered moan, hand sliding back up his leg to slowly pull his shirt away from his stomach.

Akutsu ignored him completely, "come into the kitchen, I'll get you a glass of water and some aspirin." He dissapeared out of Shishido's field of view.

"Just a whore on rebound, huh?" Shishido chuckled, pushing away from the wall and slowly shuffling into the kitchen. The bright flourescent lights hit his dilated pupils, making him grunt in pain and throw up his hand to block it.

"Go sit down, if you stand too much longer you'll fall over," Akutsu kept his back to Shishido as he opened a pill bottle and knocked a few into his hand. He tensed in shock when he felt Shishido against his back, the others warm tongue up the back of his neck and his small hands palming at the front of his jeans.

"Ryou ..." his tone warning.

"Hm?" Shishido purred, mouth working across AKutsu's neck as his thin fingers pulled down the zipper of his jeans to slide inside. His hands found the familiar heat, his fingers immediately circling around it.

"This isn't what you want Shishido ..." knowing he was wasting his breath with the drunk. And knowing full well that this was what they both wanted, it was the reason why they ever acknowledged each other.

"Yes it is ...Choutarou doesn't want me ...so you might as well have me ..." Shishido nuzzled the back of his neck while working Akutsu's cock out of his jeans.

Akutsu gripped the countertop, "you're not a pass around slut, Ryou."

"Might as well be, Choutarou doesn't want me anymore, and if I can't have him I don't care anymore, I don't care what happens to me."

Akutsu could feel the chill of Shishido's tears on the back of his neck. He could have passed Shishido's words off as drunken ramblings, but he knew, even when the other was completely sober, he would say the exact same thing again. Shishido had often mentioned that Choutarou was his soul mate; it was why he was always so frustrated that Choutarou kept his distance. Shishido always felt they were destined to be together, as annoyingly romantic as that sounded. They had been together from Junior High, and never felt the need to stray. Shishido's other relationships always felt hollow, leaving both parties unhappy. And after the break-ups, he found himself wandering back into Choutarou's arms. Choutarou was the same -- always seeking out the comfort of Shishido's arms when his own relationships went south. That had to count for something, right? Right?

"Why doesn't he feel the same?" Shishido whispered between his tears.

"Ryou ..." Akutsu's words ended in a grunt as Shishido slid onto his knees in front of him, taking him into his mouth. His grip on the countertop tightened as Shishido sucked harder. He arched his back, allowing his head to hang forward. Shishido kept his eyes closed as he sucked, his tears catching in his eyelashes.

Akutsu clenched his eyes shut, forcing away fantasies of Dan on his knees. He understood Shishido's words all to well; often wondering, and feeling the same. Dan was afraid of him, afraid to let him touch him for fear that he would be hurt. But did that mean he loved him any less? He may have loved him, but the more he pushed Akutsu away, the more Akutsu re-thought his words. 'I love you' sounded hollow when it was followed by 'don't come near me'

He grunted and grabbed Shishido's hair as he thrust himself down his throat. The other male accepted him easily, swallowing around his cock. Akutsu pulled away quickly, some of his cum forced out of Shishido's mouth with the momentum. Shishido's head slowly rolled to the side as he slid down the cupboards to sit on the floor, eyes blank. He pulled his knees up close to his chest, hands splayed out uselessly on the floor. Akutsu's cum trickled from his lips, but he couldn't find the energy to move his hands to wipe it away. He didn't flinch as Akutsu turned away, zipping his pants back up. No lights were turned on in his wake as he left the kitchen, the only noise now coming from him shuffling around in the living room. With a dull click the light from the telelvision brightened the dark living room, the sound echoing softly in the empty kitchen. The noise muffled out Shishido's sobs, muffled his cries of Choutarou's name. He wiped continuously at his tears until his cheeks and eyes were a swollen red, matching his battered lips. He pulled himself to his feet using the countertop, the same one Akutsu had been gripping. He washed the two tablets down with a mouthful of water, but was unable to wash away the bitter taste of Akutsu's cum. Downing the rest of the water he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his breathing coming out in shuddered hiccups.

He managed to stagger his way into the living room after Akutsu, collapsing onto the couch next to him. Brown eyes never turning in his direction, simply focused on the flickering images on the television. Choutarou's eyes had always followed him when he moved, brightened when he returned -- he enjoyed being watched by those eyes. He had always liked being the centre of attention, especially when he was the centre of Choutarou's attention because that meant his eyes were always on him.

Shifting heavily he threw his leg over Akutsu's lap, gripping his shoulders to pull the rest of himself over. Only then did Akutsu's eyes turn to him.

Without words Akutsu helped Shishido remove their pants; Shishido fumbling when his own pants caught on his ankles, Akutsu's bunched at his knees. Shishido rose up on his knees, Akutsu's face pressed against his chest. Without any form of preparation or lubricant he slammed himself down on Akutsu's cock, clenching his teeth and curling into himself when pain shot up his back and down his legs.

"Shit!" Akutsu jumped, caught off guard, "idiot! You shouldn't have done that!"

Shishido burried his face in Akutsu's shoulder, tears leaking out his clenched eyes from the pain. The coppery taste of blood filled his mouth, and with a quiet 'ouch' realized he had bit his tongue. He chuckled bitterly, finding the punishment fitting.

Pushing Akutsu's hands off his hips he pulled himself back up, mouth open as pain raced through is body once again. Pushing himself back down he could feel his dry entrance slowly slickening with blood.

"Ryou stop," Akutsu grabbed his hips again, forcing him to still his hips.

"I told you, I don't care what happens to me!" His eyes snapped open; blurry, but still filled with a pained anger.

Akutsu glared back at the brunette, temper flaring to life. Pulling Shishido's hips up, he slammed him back down onto his lap, pushing himself in as deeply as their position would allow. Shishido arched and screamed, voice raising above the volume of the television.

"Is that what you want? To have your ass completely ripped apart? Do you feel as if inflicting pain upon yourself is some sort of karma? If you want to mutilate yourself don't get me involved!" Akutsu threw Shishido from his lap, standing up abruptly and straightening his pants. He stormed into the small bathroom, leaving Shishido on the couch. Blood ran from his ripped entrance, but remained unnoticed as Shishido cried. Screaming curses to both Akutsu and Choutarou.

He eventually tired himself out, screams withering to sobs and hiccups that were muffled by his arms. Akutsu returned to the living room then, washed and redressed. Sitting on the couch by Shishido's knees he took hold of one of the others thin legs and spread them. No resistance, or any kind of movement what-so-ever, as Akutsu pressed a warm washcloth against the tender skin of his backside. Spreading him with firm fingers, he pressed the cloth against his torn entrance, washing away the dried blood.

"Don't touch me ..." Shishido's voice was hoarse and tired from his screaming, coming out in only a scratchy whisper.

"Shut up," Akutsu ignored him, using one hand to keep his legs apart as he continued to gently clean him. He may have been a cold-hearted and violent bastard, but he would NOT be a part of someone hurting themselves. He couldn't stand to see someone he cared for so depressed as to think the only retribution for them would be to inflict pain upon themselves. He had seen his mother cutting herself when he was younger, and from that moment on swore to never let someone he cared for do something so stupid and selfish. He had screamed at his mother, asking her why she wanted to leave him alone, why she needed to punish herself because of him. He had cried in front of her, cried for her. She had never cut herself again after that, knowing it wasn't only herself she was hurting. She had sought help for herself, for both of them -- and started her life all over again.

"I know it's not my place to say any of this, but you need to sit down with Choutarou and talk. Believe me, I know it's easier said that done, but if I've learnt anything from Taichi over these years, it's that screaming and storming out doesn't change anything," letting Shishido close his legs again, he took the wash cloth back to the bathroom; returning a few moments later with a pair of old trackpants.

"Then why are you having the same problems I am? Why can't you talk to Dan?" His pale lips catching the light from the television, blue eyes reflecting the colours.

"Because I'm a coward."

Shishido looked over his shoulder sharply, taken aback by Akutsu's words, "what?"

"I can't do more than scream and storm out ..." Akutsu shrugged, "I'm getting better, Taichi and I talk more, but I still lose my temper with him ..."

Shishido sat up carefully, wincing at the pain in his backside. He pulled the worn pants on slowly, shifting around to get them up his hips, "I don't know if I'll be able to talk with Choutarou without screaming and storming out," his attention was momentarily caught by something on the television.

"Then don't ..."

Shishido's eyes narrowed as he slowly turned back to face Akutsu, "I don't understand."

Akutsu scratched his head, feeling awkward at actually being the one giving advice, "you're still frustrated, wait until you've both calmed down and you feel that you're ready to talk."

Shishido blinked, wait? How long should he wait?

Akutsu playfully bonked Shishido on the back of the head, "stop making me sound like my mother! I don't really get it either, but she always tells me that when I'm ready to talk with Taichi, I'll know. I have no idea what that means, so I guess that just means I'm not ready yet ...or something ...women know this shit better than I do!"

Shishido chuckled, rubbing the back of his head, "yeah, but I don't know any women to turn to ..."

"That old captain of yours is pretty girly?" Akutsu shrugged.

"Atobe!? Yeah right! Believe it or not, he's dense when it comes to relationships!" Shishido laughed, missing the small smile on Akutsu's face his laughter had caused.

"Doesn't Ootori have a sister?"

Shishido's eyes widened in shock, disbelief at the suggestion, "turn to his family!? Yeah right! Those were the ones he was trying to keep -us- from!"

"If living with a woman has taught me anything, it's that they are aware of a lot more than they're letting on to! It wouldn't surprise me if his sister and mother were aware, to a point, of your relationship."