hs three little words

Ch 3
I don’t know what possessed her to do this. Sure it was convient for travel to have the alibi of marriage. It was certainly easier for booking in rooms and staying with families but the role of a servant or an escort could have granted similar lodging.
Not that I have a problem with marriage quite contradictory to the fact I pleased that she choose this route out of the options I gave her. I suppose that it Is just her way of taking a slice a happy ending.
Now you ask if I favor this route because this allows me to consummate our marriage and that it gives me an excuse to indulge in carnal passions even if it is against her wish.
Or a break in status now I am allowed to command my queen I have power over her in social situations because I am male?
No I simply reply. Not that it doesn’t cross my mind but the thought of going against her wish is a deplorable sin. I speak my piece and then let her decide. but Above all I am her guardian I must protect her and sometimes she does not always think clearly.
Only then do I take control.
And yes she is the only woman who I find attractive if others are beautiful then she is divine. I cannot imagine another woman’s touch making me quake or seeing her form convulse by my hand. The thought of another female bludging with my child makes my stomach turn, and the thought of the lonely nights without her weaken my knees.
I will wait, lying patiently by her side as she sleeps comforting her nightmares and playing for her her favorite tunes until her eyes close and her heart rate slows but I will be there waiting for when it races once more to my touch as it did not so long ago when I brush my hand carefully across her nape as I tie her corset or wash her silky hair so that she will know that I am patient but I am waiting.
It would have been torture if we had followed local customs. Staying apart for a whole day, please that is completely ridiculous. No one can separate a queen from her chevalier. And besides it’s not as if we were to give in to passion this was merely a formality.
I would be a fool to say that I didn’t love him but I am not supposed to have a future. The least I can do is to give him a little slice of pie.
Yes I wished that it could be happier and not a ‘Vegas’ wedding in a little chapel outside of Bordeaux on our way back to paris. I wished that I could give him the physical intimacy that he so desperately deserved. But I could not give us a future.
Giving him the title of husband the conformation that there was no one else that I would rather spend my eternity with my humanity my sexuality was all that I could allow myself.
We were quite lucky in the fact that we were able to choose to be together instead of being forced into marriage. This way he would know that I truly wanted only him and that it was not a simple business transaction.
Here he stood beside me repeating the vows once the minister finished he turned to me with a smile. I could tell that he wanted the same thing that I did and I had to smile back at him giving him the short binding kiss that he asked permission for.
I was so caught up in this day our one happy ending that I had to remind myself as we rode seated together in the carriage that led to our next destination. “yes but only a kiss..” he turned his gaze to me resting a warm hand on my knee playing with the fringe of my white dress.
“it doesn’t have to be this way Saya.” He offered a future I couldn’t have. I starred deeply in to his deep blue eyes a spark of periwinkle in them now. He looked as if he were about to cry.
I shook my head. “it’s not that i don’t want it. It’s just that I can’t take any more from you. Our vision would be skewed. What if we became lovers it would make it even more difficult for you to lose me a carnal need left unsatisfied.”
“to have love and to have lost is better than to have never loved at all my darling.”
“and we have love. To consummate would be to form a new addiction.” I retorted harshly.
“As you wish.” He turned his head to gaze out the window. Taking his hand off my nee and placing it across his lap.
I felt a since of loss as the contact between us was lost.
“Haji,?”
“yes my queen.” He turned his head to me not meeting my gaze.
“I’m sorry, for putting you through this.”
“don’t be, I am not, I will be here waiting for you patiently. One day I hope I will be able to show you just how much I love you. One day I hope you will allow me to please you the way only a husband can.”
“Haji?” he smiled meeting my perplexed stare.
“ah, it looks as if we are only a little ways off from our destination. Finally I may lay beside you in our first marital bed.”
“one of many it seems..” I had a growing suspicion that no matter how hard I fought, he would win.
I lay against him resting my cheek on his chest. I fumbled with his hands taking in his rich sent.
“I’m sure that if you win you will be disappointed I don’t really know how to please a man it will be all give and no take.”
“Saya you could never disappoint me and besides I partook in the same library that you had many years before me Joel left quite a selection out in the open.”
“Haji you fiend!”
“a chevalier’s duty is to serve his queen a husband’s duty is to serve his wife. This I know and treat quite seriously”
He bent his head, his hand sliding across my shoulder taking with it the fabric clothing my flesh. He kissed me tenderly there sending electric shivers through my down my spine. His left hand slid down my dress and quickly yanking a thread untied my corset and dress. His hand brushed slightly against my rear as it rested at the side junction of my hip and abdomen as if to dance.
“Haji..” I whispered his lips still at my neck.
“you will be more comfortable like this.” His sweet breath cascaded over my breasts as I felt my arousal grow. I felt his quick inhale. Of course he could recognize this scent he was after all my knight.
His had slid down my thigh almost to my knee and pulled me on to his lap to face him. Smiling he placed a light kiss on my lips and reached under our seat for his cello case. He open it pulling out my relaxing dress.
He pulled my dress off casually and un pinned my hair. “if I may make one request?”
“go ahead.” I replied though he had already asked so much and so little.
“if my darling bride would leave her hair as it is until morning so that I may gaze upon her in her relaxed state, it would please me greatly.”
I nodded tears coming to my eyes but he kissed them away just as quickly as they formed.
“yes. For my husband and my knight.” He smiled dressing me in my night cloths and placing my white dress in his cello case before securely locking it.
“and in the morning take this too.” I pointed to the blue diamond ring he had given me, “I can’t bear the thought of losing it you can keep it for me much more securely.” He nodded turning my hand to watch it glimmer before taking my finger in his mouth and just behind the ring biting down.
“Haji?” his tongue caught a few droplets of blood before he sealed the wound without a trace.
“I can’t have you marked now can i? but I will know that this hand longs to be with mine.”
His gaze fell and then looked back up to me. “even though she suffers so. I wish I could make you smile once more. And cease this inner pain and self loathing.” He cupped my cheek in his hand kissing me as if I would break.
“tell me what I can do for you to make it all better.”
“I will, when I find out.” I could feel my heart breaking along with his. A man who lives to serve who with his very soul wished just to make me happy above all else. She vowed to herself that before her life was over she would allow him carnal pleasure but immediately took it back for she truly believed that giving in to him would be the final straw that would make her want to live and she could not allow the world to suffer for more of her selfishness.
we stayed locked in each others arms until we reached the large hotel where we planned to spend the night before continuing on to follow our next lead.
Haji turned his back to her as he changed out of his special attire and in to a formal yet plain tailcoat. He prepared dinner for her in their little kitchenette and bathed her when she was finished. He dried her with a clean towel. He walked with her to their bed with a hand at her waist.
He laid her down on the bed dressing her in a night gown. He removed his coat and shoes lying beside her. She kissed him un buttoning the top buttons of his shirt. She ran her hands across his chest before snuggling in to him and drifting off in her slumber.
Haji kissed her forehead threading his hands through her hair. She moved closer to him as he fanned her hair behind her so that it would not entangle her in her sleep.
“I hope that you know that I do want you with an undying flame, however it is not what keeps me by your side.” His hands ran along her sides dancing across the thin fabric as she slept. He wished that she could stay this way calm and close he had no way of knowing that it would be over a century and a half before she would once again be the Saya that he first fell in love with. But he would wait patiently.