The Mello Code

Mello had ranted about Peter all the way home. By the time they were in the kitchen, he was bitterly lampooning his own reaction to the deacon. He had already thought of better ways to have conveyed his message. "It was hardly the most fucking eloquent rebuttal in the world, was it?" Mello raged, kicking a chair further under the table. "Fucking stupid, fucking arsehole bastard!"



"Mello..."



"You!" Mello rounded on him so suddenly that Matt genuinely felt afraid. He reacted with his hands up, but Mello didn\'t attack him. "You knew precisely what you were doing in there. I don\'t understand you, Mail. There were far better ways." He shrieked, an inhuman noise formed in the depths of his throat. "Why would you even do that?! You wanted to go! I told you repeatedly that you didn\'t have to do it. It was your choice! You didn\'t have to do that!"



Matt could feel himself starting to hyperventilate. His breaths were running ragged with no real oxygen making it to his lungs. He gasped out. "I didn\'t think he\'d react like that."



"What did you expect?" Mello growled, slamming his hands down on the table. "Nothing. I know how your mind works. What was true in the car wasn\'t true by the time you got there. It was all Mail Jeevas. Everything you thought was all what\'s best for Mail fucking Jeevas. You are a selfish cunt, Matt. You..." Mello turned away, his fists clenched. "What the fuck am I supposed to make of this? What...?" He stalked away into the pantry. Matt just concentrated on breathing, the world becoming black in front of his eyes. He couldn\'t panic. That would make it worse. Mello rushed back. He shoved the paper bag into Matt\'s face so hard that it caught Matt\'s nose and made his eyes water. "Fucking breathe, so I can kill you properly!"



Matt took the bag. "I\'m..."



"Why are you panicking?" Mello spat out the words. "What do you think is going to happen? You do my head in."



"I didn\'t..."



"Breathe into the fucking bag." Mello reached forward and Matt thought he was going to smash the bag into his face. He leaned back, the world swimming, but Mello just held it against Matt\'s mouth. "I need to get my head around this. Nothing makes sense. I did not deserve that! There was no reason for you to do that." Mello sniffed, but Matt didn\'t look up. He concentrated on making the paper bag expand and contract with his breaths. The heated air was working on his lungs. "Why are you doing this to me, Matty? What in God\'s name have I done for you to be like this with me?"



Matt sat back, his vision clearing. "I\'m sorry."



"We\'re going to have to co-operate, baby, or we\'re not going to survive."



"What?" Matt tried to meet Mello\'s eyes, but the blond was too animated. He was moving around the kitchen like a something trapped. "Mello, I\'m sorry."



"That\'s the point, isn\'t it? Why should you be?" Mello glared back from near the doorway. He paced back. "Why the fuck should you be? That\'s the ultimate irony! Why should you be in trouble for publicly stating that you are my husband? You know why St Peter came to mind in there? Oh!" Mello rubbed his face with his hand. The fingers over his scar clawed slightly, like they couldn\'t bear the texture. His words were emitted like bullets. "I nearly denied you. I sat in there. I sat right there. I tried to think of ways to laugh off what you had called me. For a split second, I nearly told them that you were not my lover." Mello turned again, walking around the table. He soon returned the way he had come. Moving for the sake of moving. "I nearly denied you. So close. So fucking close."



Matt chose his words carefully. "I wouldn\'t have blamed you. I shouldn\'t have put you in that situation."



Mello\'s eyes flashed. "No." It was unclear whether he meant agreement or dismissal. "And him, the supercillious, self-important, poor excuse for a fucking deacon. Ha! It\'s because he was a deacon. Trying to prove himself. It\'s because he\'s gay himself. I could see it. It\'s because..." Mello stopped suddenly, expression falling into a kind of shock. "It\'s because he was a representative of my religion. I\'m a fucking sinner and I tried to drag you down with me."



"Erm..." Matt sighed and left it safe to stand up now. He wandered across, but one touch on Mello\'s arm sent the blond scittering away. As if nearly two years had been undone and Mello couldn\'t stand his proximity anymore. "Erm, no! Mihael, I..."



"I fucking love you." Mello reached back for a chair and practically fell into it. "I want you. I love you. I..." Tears were filling his eyes now and they didn\'t seem to be tears of rage. "Why would I even think of denying you? You\'re my sanity. I looked down and there was Christ." He lifted his rosary and let it drop again. "You have no idea how many times the sight of Christ has stopped me doing something stupid. Mail. Oh God! Mail! Why am I shouting at you? I sent you into that place. I put you into that situation."



"Which means a lot to you. I shouldn\'t have destroyed it."



"So what am I teaching you? What have I always taught you? That if you loved God, you couldn\'t love me?" Mello stared up in horror at his husband. "I don\'t even know anymore. I don\'t even know. I don\'t even know."



Matt bit his lip. "I saw on-line, in America, there\'s two Catholic priests who got together. Men. Gay men. They\'ve started their own branch of Catholicism..."



"Which isn\'t sanctioned by the fucking Pope!" Mello shrieked. "Always the fucking same! There are my choices! God or you! You or God! And you know what?"



"What?" Matt whispered, shaking inside and hoping it wasn\'t showing on the surface.



"The only side trying to be flexible is yours! You\'ve never once castigated me for my faith. You\'ve pointed out the flaws, but that\'s alright. You\'ve forced me to analyse them too and that has just made my faith stronger. You went out of your way to try and ensure our marriage was in the sight of God, despite the fact that you think it\'s a fairy tale..."



"I wouldn\'t go..."



"Bollocks, Mail. Bull-fucking-shit! You care about God because I care about God and you care about me. Don\'t give me any crap." Mello slammed his fist down on the kitchen table, then did it again. "You went to classes. You\'d have been baptised because I wanted it. Yes, Mail. I wanted it. I still want it. You might not believe in the Afterlife but..." Tears were freely falling down Mello\'s cheeks now. His face crumpled, but when Matt reached out for him, Mello shoved him away. "I know your greatest fear, Matty. It\'s being somewhere, locked in, forgotten and abandoned, with no help coming. I put a collar around your neck, which just meant something fucking kinky at the time. I\'ve seen how that\'s changed in your head. How would you express it now, baby? \'Mello\'s coming to get me. Mello\'s not leaving me. Mello will never forget me and he\'s always going to come back for me.\' So what happens when you\'re in limbo? What happens if I haven\'t given you the hope of Heaven because I didn\'t even push you to be baptised. I imagine you stuck there and how could I get to you? How could I reach you in Purgatory, when I\'m in Hell? I..." Mello was sobbing now. His words stuck in his mouth.



Matt swallowed. "You\'d come anyway." He touched his collar. "You always underestimated yourself, Mihael. You\'d take on Lucifer himself to get to me. I trust you."



Mello stared at him. He tried to laugh, but it didn\'t make it past his lips, let alone to his eyes. "You have no idea, Mail." He swiped at his eyes and rushed out of his seat. At the sink, Mello grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He drank it in great gulps. Then his demeanour changed. He turned and blinked at Matt. "I\'ve made you believe I\'ll come for you. What you just said, you know I won\'t abandon you. You can\'t know that, Matty. Roger said you hadn\'t the chemical ability to trust that. But you know it anyway." Wonder flickered in his expression. "Did you reason it out?"



Matt shrugged. "I had a visitation from an angel."



"Don\'t fuck with me, Matt."



"Called Mihael. Really fucking powerful angel."



Mello bowed his head. A moment later, he reached out an arm. Matt sauntered around the table and, once he was close enough, was pulled into a tight embrace. "I\'d fucking move Heaven and Earth to get to you, baby. Whatever the circumstances. Never alone. Never fucking alone." He kissed Matt\'s head and stared fiercely at the glass in his hand. Matt braced himself to be drenched, but Mello just dropped it into the sink. "Come on. Let\'s get them told."



Matt\'s lips formed a \'what?\', but he was already being towed away across the kitchen. He banged into a corner of the table and recoiled slightly, but Mello was already dragging in on. There would be a bruise there in the morning. It seemed like a small price to pay for whatever was going to salve Mello\'s soul. "Where are we going?" He thought that they were heading for the front door, but Mello span around and took them into the little chapel. "Mihael. Mihael, listen to me. You\'re upset. Don\'t do anything to Mary. She\'s fine. She\'s..."



Mello left him in the aisle. He dashed forward and crossed himself whilst also reaching for a tealight. There was a lighter already there. On his knees, Mello lit the candle. It illuminated the Virgin\'s smile. Then Mello stood and faced Christ. "You said it was alright! In New York. You said you\'d save him."



"Who did?"



"Mail, come here." Mello reached behind him, his arm rigid. Matt took his hand and was pulled to Mello\'s side. Before he could even guess what was going to happen next, Mello\'s lips closed on his. Matt was being held, his ribcage protesting under the crushing grasp. He just held on, kissing Mello as passionately as he, himself, was being kissed. Finally, the arms around him loosened, but only so that Mello could tug at Matt\'s jacket. There was a moment of freedom, as Mello leaned back enough to pull down the zip at the front, then Matt was being stripped of jacket and shirt alike.



"You\'re going to fuck me," Matt\'s voice became shrill, "here?!"



Mello nodded quickly. "In the sight of Christ and the Mother of God. And if they don\'t have a problem with it, then my Church can go fuck itself. My faith is in the Almighty, not in jumped-up, corrupt, fucking political, self-important relics of the freaking Middle Ages." He grabbed Matt by the waistband, as the redhead tried to step away. "The first thing you need to know about Jesus is that he didn\'t take any crap from anyone, especially the likes of them!"



Matt breathed. "Mihael. Angel. You\'re going to calm down in a minute and you\'re going to..."



"What would Jesus do? Jesus would overturn the tables in the temples of the money-makers. He would take the freedom fighters as his disciples. He would embarrass the pompous arseholes in their courts of authority. He would die to set us free. Jesus looked around and he said, \'this is wrong!\' and he did something about it." Mello held Matt around the waist with one arm, the other working at unbuckling Matt\'s belt. "With love. He used love. You think that Jesus would have denied someone the right of being brought to God, because they loved the wrong person? Like fuck! Not the Jesus Christ I know. Not the Christ in my heart!"



"Right." Matt\'s flies were undone. Mello pulled Matt\'s jeans down, then pushed him onto one of the tiny pews. The wooden back hit against Matt\'s spine. "Ow, fucking Hell!"



Mello was shedding his own jacket and top. His boots were kicked off to hit the wall. Matt took the hint and reached down to remove his own boots and socks. He hesitated about removing his jeans fully or taking off his boxer shorts, but Mello was already there, pulling him up to kiss him with that same bruising passion. "The Church let me down, but Jesus never will." Mello hissed the instant he came up for air. "You never will."



"I shouldn\'t have said that in there. I..."



"Sssh, Matty. Yes, you should. I see that now. You with your Yoda wisdom. Practically Zen. It\'s the Fool\'s perogative to be the wisest one there. The Emperor was wearing no clothes and you called us on it. You stated with one word the fucking truth and none of the Catholics there, including me, including Peter, none of us knew what to do. In the fact of Jesus, you were the only one to bring the conversation out of the bureaucracy and into a union based on love. Jesus spoke to you because you were the only one fucking listening."



"No." Matt cupped the back of Mello\'s head, forcing him to meet his eyes. "I was just shit-stirring. I\'m sorry."



"Precisely." Mello smirked, leaning in for another kiss. His hands yanked down Matt\'s boxers, leaving them to fall past his knees, while Mello\'s fingers pressed inside Matt\'s entrance. Despite the intensity and the uncertainty of the situation, or maybe because of it, Matt grew instantly hard. He pressed himself against his husband and their searching kisses took on a deeper hue. Matt\'s hands dropped, frantic against Mello\'s belt and the laces of his trousers. Mello laughed, tearing away from Matt, only to grab him again from behind. He shoved forward, taking the redhead with him. Matt crashed into the side of the altar, his foot knocking over a vase of flowers. The candle flickered wildly, but did not go out. The Mother smiled serenely on. Mello\'s rosary was digging into Matt\'s back. He tilted his head back to avoid hitting his chin on the mantlepiece. Matt was looking straight up at the crucified Christ. Then Mello entered him.



It was not gentle. It was Mello surrendering to all those demons that moved inside him. It was frenzied, in deep, harsh thrusts and bitemarks on Matt\'s neck and shoulders. Matt understood that he just had to be there. He was a vessel through which Mello was searching for salvation. It was possession in all its forms. Mello gripped him with fingertips dug in. Matt held onto the mantle and hoped that nothing got broken that couldn\'t be repaired. He didn\'t know where Mello\'s head was. Matt felt the desire and feeling welling up inside him and found himself wondering if it was bad form to orgasm in here. He would be splattering the altar. He started to squirm, to fight Mello, but the blond\'s gloved hands moved up Matt\'s body and along his arms. Matt\'s wrists were grabbed and Mello\'s body spooned even more closely against his husband\'s body. It was reassurance. It was almost tenderness. Matt calmed and felt the release coming. "Mello! Mihael! I\'m going to..."



"Come for me, Mail! Come for me!" Mello growled into his ear, nipping its lobe between his teeth. Matt did. It nearly took his legs from under him, but he couldn\'t see past the mantle to judge the mess he\'d made. He let it go. It was a problem for later. Mello was roaring out his own ecstasy and they seemed lifted up on waves of sensation. Matt felt himself sink into Mello, that merging of one self with another which came at such times. He felt Mello\'s orgasm happen hot inside him. "Yes! Oh Christ! I love him! I love him!"



Matt gasped, panting to regain his breath. Somewhere along the way, he had bashed his forehead, but he couldn\'t remember doing it. It was only a knock. There wasn\'t even blood and it didn\'t feel like there would be a bump. It just signalled its presense enough to let Matt know that he was coming down from the wild ride. He twisted his neck, trying to see Mello\'s expression. He needed to see if this was the end now. If the tatters of Mello\'s faith had been enough to land him on solid ground again. But Mello was holding him too tightly. There were no tears on the back of his neck. After a while, there were only kisses. Matt shuffled until he succeeded in turning around. Mello smiled at him. "Are you alright, Mihael?"



"Well, the ceiling didn\'t come down." Mello looked around the chapel. "Christ didn\'t fall off the wall. The candle didn\'t even go out." His kiss, this time, was loving, gentle. Then Mello stepped away and knelt, naked, in front of the Mother. He crossed himself and kissed his rosary. "Vjerujem u Boga, Oca svemogućega. Stvoritelja neba i zemlje. I u Isusa Krista, Sina njegova jedinoga, Gospodina našega koji je začet po Duhu Svetom, rodjen od Marije Djevice."



Matt left him to it, reaching down to pull up his boxers and jeans, then walking out to fetch a cloth. He returned to find Mello apparently having a stare off with the statue of the Divine Mother. Matt bowed his head and then knelt, wiping clean the altar and righting the flowers. He had to push them back into the vase and they didn\'t look quite so well displayed as when Mello did it. Water pooled, cloudy with browning leaves floating in it, on the floor.



"Crkvu Katoličku?" Mello was asking, his shoulders raised momentarily in a cross between a shrug and tension. His tiny smile was apologetic. "Žao mi je, ja ne mogu. Volim ga." He bit his lip and Matt wished he could remember the Serbo-Croatian he had once speed-memorised. He recognised \'volim\' though. It meant \'love\'. "Volim ga. Volim ga. Moj muž, Mail. Moli za nas, sveta Bogorodice, ja ne mogu vjerovati Crkvu Katoličku. Vjerujem u Duha Svetoga, općinstvo svetih, oproštenje grijeha, uskrsnuće tijela, život vječni."



Matt rose from the floor, where he had been trying to return the water to the vase by using the cloth as an ineffective sponge. He knelt beside Mello and raised a hand in a vague wave. "Mother, I\'m hoping to, erm, I\'m really hoping that he didn\'t just say that he\'s leaving the Catholic Church over me. I picked out enough words for it to sound like that was what he was saying. Erm, if that is the case, can I just add the mitigation? I\'m talking to you, Mary. I wouldn\'t have even thought of doing that, if it wasn\'t for this man. That sounds a little bit saved to me. Ignorant fu... person that I am. I know you\'ve been talking to him much longer than I have, so you know as well as I do the rules of engagement with Mihael Keehl. You have to read his heart, not the rubbish coming out of his mouth. Thanks." He went to wave again, but Mello chuckled beside him. "Oh yeah." Matt crossed himself. "Amen."



Mello placed an arm around him and pulled him close. "See why I love him, Marije? I am proud that he is my husband and I don\'t believe that God could find that wrong. I stand by my decisions." He kissed Matt, lifting his chin to get his lips. "Te amo, guapo."



"Volim te, andeo."



Mello smiled and there was peace in his gaze. Matt frowned slightly, asking him without words what had happened, but Mello just kissed him. Matt understood that he could never know. It was between Mello and his God. Matt smiled and kissed him back.