Eternal Darkness

Disclaimer: I don\'t own NightWalker. Really. Anyway, I just want Cain and Shido for my bishonen collection. Pleeeease can I have them??

Author: Koneko Shido

Warnings: Yaoi, TWT, Angst in huge doses, Cain!!! *ahem* Erm... other stuff, death... I still can\'t believe I got angsty enough to write this...

A/N: So, this is the first ending, of two. Remember, this is the \'Koneko Angst\' version, and you\'re reading it of your own free will instead of the happy ending! So no flames, right? I\'m tired, and that makes me doubly miserable, so prepare yourselves. I know, everyone is *terribly* out of character, especially Cain, but at this point I\'m beyond caring. Did I mention I got flamed on FFN?? *seethe*
Anyway, this is about as angsty as I get. Lack of cups of tea, and all that. Yes. Well. Read, and be emotionally scarred. Heheheh.
Song: Yet again, another song from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack, which I recommend downloading. Yup, good music. I don\'t know who the song\'s by or what it\'s called, but it rocks. And the lyrics fit perfectly with the fic, so...

Eternal Darkness 3 - Dead Souls [Alt. Ending 1]

// Strapped down and heavy,
Tied up and bound,
This weight I carry,
This weight I\'ve found...//

Shido left Cain where he was for a moment while he cleaned up the broken glass, not really caring that the carpet was now stained with blood which would probably never come out, thus he would have to buy a new carpet.
Once the glass was thoroughly disposed of, Shido stood and looked down at Cain\'s closed eyes, wondering what to do now. How could he show Cain all the things he felt inside? The love and hate, confusion and need, fear... Cain looked so beautiful like that, his crimson eyes closed, long lashes dark against his pale skin and a slight frown of pain on his face. His hair... that had always been one of the things Shido loved most about him, the way it fell in golden waves down over Cain\'s shoulders and felt as soft as silk to the touch. It was like a little reminder of the sunlight he knew he could never walk in again.
The clothes Cain wore were old-fashioned, he\'d always loved those days when he could live like a lord and enjoy himself, dance the night away at parties with rich lords and ladies, and know that it would go on like that forever. Except it hadn\'t. The world had changed, and the humans with it. Things were no lr thr the way they were during those glorious nights when Shido had first met Cain. Shido had adapted as best he could, though he still felt out of place. The violet-haired vampire stroked Cain\'s hair, thinking ll tll the wonderful times they\'d had, bar all the killing. He could remember one night in particular; the first night Cain had ever told Shido he loved him. They had been to one of Cain\'s parties and the golden-haired vampire had watched from the shadows, ass oss of the most expensive red wine held elegantly in his hand as Shido had danced with some random girl, feeling more free than he ever had before, laughing at nothing and everything. The lights, the music, the fact that he and Cain were cats disguised as mice, but nobody knew... It had all made him feel so alive.
After the party had died down Shido had leapt across the rooftops, laughing as Cain chased him until they reached the roof of a theatre. The music from the performance was swirling up from below and Shido had pulled his mate down onto the roof for a passionate kiss, enjoying the amused look in Cain\'s cat-like eyes. The stars had shone above them like diamonds on velvet, watching silently as the two vampires sat on the flat roof and listened to the singing from below them. And finally, as the show drew to a close and everything quietened down for the dead of night, Cain had pushed him to lie down gently and looked down at him, right into his eyes, and then kissed him, whispering soft words against the tingling skin of his throat.
\'I love you, my Shido.\'
And Shido had felt, in that one moment, like he was complete. Like he had everything he could ever want and he was happy. Like things would go on that way forever.
Then they had made love right there on the roof of the theatre, under the stars.

//So let,
Me,
Be the one to say,
I\'ve really had enough...//

A soft moan from Cain broke Shido from his thoughts and he looked down to find the golden-haired vampire\'s eyelashes fluttering as he came to again, opening his eyes after a moment, half-lidded with exhaustion and defeat.
\"Cain?\" Shido said softly, sitting on the couch next to his mate and touching his shoulder gently.
Cain turned his head a little towards the voice and smiled weakly as he saw Shido sat next to him. Even after everything that was happening to him, everything Shido had unwittingly done to him, Cain was still pleased to see his mate.
\"Shido... You are still... here...\" Cain whispered in a broken shell of a voice, as though he had expected Shido to be gone when he awoke. \"But of course... This is your home, after all...\" The golden-haired vampire closed his eyes and let a shaking breath pass his pale lips, shivering a little. \"I am not... welcome here... I know this.\" He murmured, his voice filled with pain. \"I have not the strength to rise...\"
Shido felt a rush of pain wash over him, almost enough to reduce him to tears at Cain\'s words.
\"You are welcome here, Cain. I don\'t want you to leave,\" Shido said quietly, trying not to think about the fact that the next time Cain left he would not be coming back. Cain laughed softly and opened his eyes again, now as grey as stone, and fixed Shido with a weary look.
\"Do not lie to me, Shido. Not now, of all times... Ahh...\" Cain gasped softly as he tried to get up but fell back, a look of pain on his beautiful face.
\"Cain, you shouldn\'t move! Lay down, you need to rest,\" Shido said, stopping when Cain laid a hand on his arm.
\"Help me up, Shido... I do not wish to die here. I need... to see the stars again...\" Cain asked, his eyes begging Shido not to argue with him just this once. He was so tired, so weary... All he wanted was to rest, to let himself slip into the darkness that called so insistently to him. But he could not do it in this office, so filled with the scent of Shido and the humans, mixing together to become one. He did not belong here. It was Shido\'s home, the place he poured his soul into. Where he allied with the humans and fought against everything that Cain was.
Cain wanted his last moments to be where he could look up into the sky and see the stars. They could watch him die: his whole, long life had been nothing but a fleeting moment in time to them, but they would remember him, at least. He\'d never believed in an afterlife, the idea of heaven just seemed too idealistic to him. Something the humans had invented to cling to so that they wouldn\'t have to face the fact that someday they would cease to exist. Not that he would have gone to heaven anyway, he mused, as Shido gave him a despairing, helpless look and reluctantly helped him up.
\"Take me to the roof, where I can look at the sky...\" Cain murmured tiredly. The roof... that reminded him of that first night he\'d told Shido the truth. His little mate had been so very beautiful that night, dancing and running across the rooftops, the wild, untamed look in his eyes making Cain\'s heart skip a beat. He\'d always been such a free spirit then, he laughed and cried and told Cain everything. All the little, random things that made him laugh, or the things that upset him or annoyed him. Cain could always remember that Shido had used to laugh at the crescent moon, telling Cain that the night was smiling at them and silly little things like that. He was never so free anymore; the humans had chained him down with their morals and taken away his wild spirit. Cain still loved him, though, and he always would, no matter how much the humans changed him. He would love Shido right up until the moment he died, and he would never regret it for a second. The only thing he did regret was that Shido didn\'t love him back anymore.

// Down,
Falling,
Off...
[Yeah, yeah end the world with me]
My sweet love,
So Strong
[Yeah]
Strong,
My sweet...
Fall...//

Shido let Cain lean on him as he led the older vampire out of the office and up the stairs onto the roof, feeling despair eating away at him as he realized there was nothing he could do to stop his mate\'s death. He led Cain over to the edge of the roof and helped him sit down with his back reg agg against the ledge, tears filling his eyes as the golden-haired vampire looked up at the night sky and smiled bitterly.
\"It seems the stars do not wish to watch me die,\" Cain whispered softly, since the night was overcast with dark clouds. \"How very ironic... The light turns away and leaves me to the darkness. So be it... It is of no consequence.\" Cain looked down at Shido, who dropped to his knees before his golden-haired mate and trembled, more terrified than he\'d ever been in his life.
\"Please don\'t leave me!\" Shido gasped, tears falling from his blue-green eyes. Cain reached out a hand weakly and stroked his mate\'s lavender hair, taking a moment to gather the strength just to speak.
\"Is it not you... who is always leaving me?\" The older vampire murmured, his hand moving to touch Shido\'s cheek, wiping away his tears. \"Do not let them... tame you, Shido... Do not let the humans... take your beauty... from you...\" Cain trailed offs has hand falling back to his side. He shuddered, unable to even move anymore. The darkness was pulling him away, calling him to rest. Everything seemed so very insignificant now, everything he\'d done for Shido. None of it had managed to save Shido from the humans, from their constant foolishness that could only serve to dull the spirit after so long amongst them. That fire that had burned so passionately inside Shido was slowly being suffocated by them... Riho was still so human, even now. She would never be able to give Shido back the fire he\'d once had. But perhaps... perhaps that was what Shido wanted, to be human. To never run through the night with the wind chasing him, never swim in the sea in the darkness, never scream his pleasure freely to the world when they made love. Riho could not give him that, but she could be there for him through eternity. That was all that really mattered. Shido loved her, and she would stay beside him.

// One time too many,
You let me down,
Won\'t think what could be,
Can\'t feel much now...//

\"Please... please don\'t go...\" Shido pleaded, crawling to lie against Cain, burying his face in the older vampire\'s shoulder to muffle his soft sobs. He couldn\'t bear it, it hurt so much... The guilt, the pain of knowing that those warm arms that had always been waiting for him to return would soon be gone forever, and it was all his own fault. Nothing had ever hurt like this. Nothing had ever hurt as badly as knowing that he was about to lose his mate. He would have to travel the path of eternity without Cain there to teach him, to follow him and wait for him to return. Heted ted so much to be human again he\'d tried to deny everything that made him a vampire. And that meant he\'d chosen Riho over Cain because she was more human, and Cain bought out the darkness in him that he was running from.
But Cain was right, as always. No one can deny their nature, whatever it is. He wasn\'t human and he never would be. He was a vampire who needed his mate beside him to show him how to truly live all over again.
But it was too late now, he knew. The damage had been done.

// Down,
Falling,
Off...
[Yeah, yeah end the world with me]
My sweet love,
So Strong
[Yeah]
Strong,
My sweet...

Change this world inside of you,

Doesn\'t really mean that much to you,
To hide your fear,
To test the way I feel,
To test the way I... feel...
Now... //

\"Do... not... cry, my... Shido...\" Cain breathed, his eyes sliding closed. It felt so wrong to say \'my Shido\' now, but he said it anyway. There was so much more he wanted to say to his little mate, so many things he wanted to tell Shido before he would never have the chance to say them again. But it was getting hard to think and he had to struggle just to stay awake. He tried to remember the moment he\'d first laid eyes on Shido, all those hundreds of years ago... but everything was fading. The memory escaped him and he longed to let himself fall into the soft, silent darkness that reached for him. But... Shido was crying... Shido needed him... No. Shido didn\'t need him. It was time to let go.

//Watch me crawl,
Watch me break,
Watch me crawl,
Watch me throw it all away...//

\"Please...\" Shido sobbed, clinging to Cain, feeling him slipping away and knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was all his fault. \"Don\'t hate me, please don\'t hate me, I\'m sorry... I never meant for anything like this to happen! I-I didn\'t know...\" Shido begged his mate.

// Down,
Falling,
Off...
[Yeah, yeah end the world with me]
My sweet love,
So Strong
[Yeah]
Strong...//

Cain heard Shido\'s sobbed words through a haze of darkness. They seemed so far away, everything was slipping away from him... But there was just one, last thing Shido had to know.
\"I... forgive... you...\" Cain breathed, opening his eyes a fraction to look down at Shido, who met his grey, dying gaze, unable to speak. Everything Shido felt, all the pain and sadness and fear and guilt... It was all there in his eyes, and Cain understood. The older vampire\'s grey eyes told Shido that he was forgiven, that he could not have been expected to know, that he didn\'t need to cry. But Shido still cried.
\"I love you...\" Shido whispered, but Cain just let his eyes close for the last time and sighed softly.
\"No...\" Cain said in a voice so soft Shido could barely hear it, \"You don\'t...\"
At last, he could rest. Cain knew that deep down Shido didn\'t love him. All those years of chasing the violet-haired beauty were over now, the long nights alone wishing his mate would return were past and he could let himself fall, finally. The darkness was so quiet, so peaceful... it called out to him, offering him peace, and he gladly accepted. At last, everything was finished. It was over.

Shido closed his eyes, feeling the strong chest his hands had been resting on crumble to black sand beneath his fingers. He couldn\'t watch... Cain had left him, he was gone... and now everything was so empty.
Opening his tear-filled eyes, Shido looked down to find that not a single trace of Cain remained, not even a single grain of sand. It was as though the beautiful blonde vampire had never existed. As if he had been nothing but a dream.
And now, Shido had to carry on without him, and he didn\'t think he could. The tears wouldn\'t stop flowing but he couldn\'t move or make a sound. His thoughts kept coming back to Riho, and how he\'d chosen her, and killed his true mate. She would never be able to fill the void Cain had left him with, he knew. He would never run with the wind or laugh at the moon; Cain would never be there to chase him across the rooftops under the stars ever again.
Without Cain, Shido realized, he was human. And it wasn\'t the great feeling he\'d expected it to be. It was cold, small and alone. It was empty, because the moment Cain had died the fire inside him had gone out. The dark, wild, passionate vampire inside him had given up as Cain had, and let itself die with its mate. And all Shido had left was the empty, human heart he\'d thought was the most important thing in the world, and the unbearable guilt of knowing that he had caused it all, and never known it.

//I can\'t believe the things you said,
So wrong,
So how I feel this way,
I\'m sleeping to relieve this strain,
So calmly,
Slowly,
Softly,
Just let it all just drift away,
Let it all just drift away...//

End.

Muse: Koneko is hiding under the bed trying to pretend she\'s not crying like a baby. She wishes to express the fact that this was a pouring out of all her tired, jaded inner angst, and she\'s mad at Shido because he chose Riho over Cain. She also wants you to know that this is what goes on in her head when she doesn\'t get enough sugary cups of tea down her. We\'re out of sugar, and she won\'t drink it unless it has at least five tablespoons in. Which is disgusting, sickly and just plain wrong. Yes. Once Koneko manages to drag herself out from under the bed and buy some sugar, she promises to get on with the evil wickedness that is \'Sweet Psychosis\' in w Cai Cain will not be treated *quite* so badly.
Koneko would also like you to know that Cain is her favourite character; in fact he\'s her favourite bishonen ever. She likes him even more than she likes Count D from Pet Shop of Horrors and she has absolutely no idea why she suddenly decided to kill him off.

Koneko: *from under the bed* Review!

Muse: Oh, yes, and she would also like to politely ask you to leave her a review and tell her what you thought of this. She admits that she\'s not very good at writing angst because she keeps randomly bursting into tears and completely losing the thread of the story. But still, she would like to know what you thought. Can I go now?

Koneko: *still under the bed* No, I need moral support! Get me some tea, goddammit, and put SUGAR in it! I don\'t care if you have to beg the neighbours, I need SUGAR!!! *ahem* And, uh, thank you for reading, and reviewing, if you bother... ^_^